well I never heard back that #jewishjanuary must be fandom content
I tried to come up with headcanons for jewish characters based on the word strength
but my brain instead fixated on the idea of “jewish” and “strength” together and I wrote a Thing about some important women in my life
(may or may not be poetry. What the hell is a title. Below the cut because it’s long)
there are people I admire
the women around me
my mother
my grandmother
this coworker
.
where does their strength come from?
their persistence in the face of injustice
their commitment to tzedakah
in deed if not in word?
.
I cannot help but compare myself
why am I so lacking?
.
look at this one
working nearly fifty years as an engineer
starting when women were often pressured out of engineering
listen to her telling our creepy coworker that his uncomfortable jokes aren't funny
watch me slip away silently, determined not to give him any more of my free time
watch me eat lunch with most of the team the next day
he is there, as usual
she is not
as usual
listen to her telling everyone "happy new year" in September
despite how none of us respond
not even me
.
when does she eat lunch?
is she lonely?
I wish I could join her
ask about her experiences
as a woman in engineering
as a jewish woman in engineering
as a jewish woman at all
in another life, perhaps I would have been
any of those things
perhaps all of them
before I find a chance to ask
even about lunch
my internship is over
I will never see her again
.
watch me now
biting my tongue the eighth time I am cut off in a meeting in which I am one of two experts
biting my tongue again later that day
when I am praised for learning not to speak over people
"I saw you holding back today"
i had not yet been told it was a problem
they believe I am a woman
I do not correct them
she would not have let them trample her like this
.
listen to that one
repeating over and over
to a cashier we will never see again
the correct pronouns for my wife
usually my wife and I just move on as quickly as possible
in case this is the one ignorant transphobe
that turns out to actually be a murderous transphobe
but there is strength in numbers
he finally calls her ma'am
and we finally leave
my wife admits she appreciated having someone to fight for her
I cannot even fight for my own pronouns
even among friends
when it is just the two of us we resume never correcting anyone
leaving instead of telling them they were wrong
.
And look at the other
kindly but firmly informing someone they got our order wrong
watch me scrape mustard off my burger rather than initiate confrontation
listen to me insist it's okay
it is
really
I’m eating it, see?
.
what makes them similar?
is it that they are all women?
I was raised to be a woman
am I just weak?
or was I taught that women could be strong in this way
and it didn't stick because I am not a woman?
.
perhaps it is generational
perhaps the similarities are coincidence
and my grandmother taught my mother her strength
and my mother tried to teach me
and I have failed to learn
why am I so weak?
.
is it that they are all Jewish?
except
one is not
anymore
but she was raised jewish and I was not
i would like to be jewish
my aunt says I already am
my grandmother says I can be
(christian) society says that religion is defined by belief
I'm not sure I believe in anything
.
perhaps their strength has something to do with being raised jewish
I was not
learning young that you will not be heard unless you shout over the only voice society wants to hear
that your voice has value to others like you
I was raised christian
through no fault of my own
.
I learned to trample others' boundaries
in the name of religion
in the name of helping the very people I was disrespecting
I learned the hard way that my opinions were not welcome
that presenting them so forcefully was rude
I grew out of christianity
I did not grow out of keeping everything to myself
to be polite
I try to never be rude
.
But look now at my rabbi
listen to her introduce herself with her pronouns
every time she stands on the bima to talk
to teach
listen to her call me 'they' without hesitation
hear her offer me an adult b'nei mitzvah
before I am confident enough to ask
watch her navigate conflict with a confident diplomacy
not as a scolding teacher (a call from the principal)
but as a partner in finding peace
the way I aim to do the same
I say I prefer to avoid conflict
but perhaps there is strength in seeking peace
.
my rabbi says I may honestly consider myself jewish
given my ancestry
given my effort to reconnect with my family's traditions
but I also may honestly consider myself not jewish
if I find that to be more true
that I know myself best
and that if I am not trying to lie
about whether or not I am Jewish
then I am not lying
no matter what I say
I can't decide which is more true to me
my participation in jewish community now?
or the lack of formal learning and ceremony
.
my grandmother never had a bat mitzvah either
in her generation
girls didn't get the ceremony
.
Look at all these women around me
these admirable Jewish women
each with their own strengths
I have so many role models to choose from
.
one thing is certain
I aim to be like them:
a Strong
Jewish
...Non-man
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