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kiruuuuu · 6 years

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Oneshot in which Blitz embarrasses himself. It’s based on this story which showed up on my dash a few days ago and I highly encourage a read, though it obviously contains spoilers for this :) - written for @magehir to trigger her second hand embarrassment ♥♥ (Rating M, humour, ~1.3k words)

“Elias, do you have some time?”

At the mention of his name, Blitz looks up from where he was previously occupied with demolishing the sandwich Rook shoved into his hands as soon as he noticed tomatoes on it – the young man being a picky eater definitely has its perks and already ensured Blitz wouldn’t go hungry despite lacking the time to organise his own lunch several times. Often enough, in fact, that he’s been contemplating whether Rook really dislikes this many vegetables or whether he simply needs an excuse to guarantee that Blitz doesn’t forget to eat. “I’ng eaking”, he mumbles a response directed at Jäger who’s hovering in the doorway to the canteen.

“Ah sure, don’t let me interrupt you. I can wait until you’re done.” He strolls in and joins the German-French table at which IQ and Twitch are wholly engrossed as much in their technical babble as in each other, leaving Doc, Rook and Blitz to their meals. While he finishes up the really quite excellent sandwich, Jäger jokes with Doc and even manages to coax out a smile out of the vaguely stressed-looking Frenchman, earning himself a grateful look from Rook who’s been attempting the same yet largely failed.

Eventually, Blitz downs his bottle of water and turns to his teammate expectantly. “Alright. What is it?”

Jäger looks momentarily confused before he remembers that he was the one seeking out the other German. “Oh! Yes. I wanted to know whether you could lend a helping hand to managing the recruits. I would, but I genuinely don’t want to.”

Blitz snorts – though he can’t say he blames Jäger for the sentiment, this year’s batch are far from the sharpest tools in the shed, yet they’re aptly described as tools nonetheless. The mechanic especially has no patience for anyone who doesn’t immediately understand (or rather mind reads) his quick half-explanations. Unfortunately, nearly everyone in Rainbow falls under this category and the recruits even more. Blitz vividly remembers Jäger’s presentation of his magpies which consisted of one extremely long as well as extremely specific explanation no one even had a chance to comprehend, before he pulled the pin and threw a live grenade into the small group of hopeful soon-to-be operators for a demonstration. Since none of them realised the ADS would save their lives, one started screaming, another jumped into a third recruit’s arms and a fourth almost fainted. Jäger wisely kept his distance after that.

“Let’s go then”, Blitz agrees and they get up together, casually make their way to the training grounds in Hereford. “Who’s in charge of them at the moment?”

“Dom”, comes the curt answer and Blitz winces in sympathy. Where Jäger has no patience for (perceived) incompetence, Bandit punishes according to boringness. He prides himself with his creativity and cunning and thus expects no less from their fledglings – or so he says. Blitz is convinced it’s nothing more than an excuse to torture them with practical jokes and make them afraid to sleep at night.

Speaking of which, even at this distance, Blitz can hear the first screams. Not very promising. “How many have cried so far?”

“Today? Two”, Jäger replies nonchalantly, quite obviously impervious to the outcries of pain echoing oddly over the grounds, “out of five. A third had to be persuaded to come out of the bathroom after he locked himself in. Dom’s having the time of his life.”

Apparently so, judging by the fact that the yells have not subsided, quite the opposite. “Which is probably why you asked me to help.”

The closer they get, the louder the wails. Jäger shrugs. “You don’t have anything important to do today and Mike’s gonna be furious if Dom injures any of them to the point where they can’t train anymore. I think it’s better if you keep an eye on him.”

Dear Lord, what is he doing to this poor recruit? Blitz grows increasingly concerned and Jäger’s words do nothing to appease him. “The hell is he doing? Testing interrogation techniques?”

Even though that’s exactly what it sounds like, Jäger shakes his head, indifferent. “Just some field training. To be honest, he’s probably gonna be relatively pleasant for the rest of the day so he can crank it up tomorrow again, so if you find something better to do, rather do it today.”

They’re entering the building now, the howling worryingly loud at this point and crassly at odds with Jäger’s relaxed attitude – Blitz has noticed his friend’s lack of empathy for anyone he thinks a moron, though he wouldn’t have guessed him this unconcerned about physical violence this harsh. There’s faint skin on skin slapping now, indicating Bandit is seriously beating someone up and Blitz inadvertently speeds up his steps to put an end to this sooner rather than later.

“It’s over here”, Jäger leads them to one of the rooms, the horrifying noises merely growing in volume the closer they get, and reaching distressing levels right as they step through the door.

Yet Blitz does not expect to be facing this.

It’s almost comical and reminds him of primary school: the recruits sitting in a half circle in front of Bandit who’s perched on a chair, seemingly content in merely recounting a story judging by everyone’s rapt expressions. There’s no abuse going on, nothing to explain the terrible noises.

Which… still haven’t ceased, mystifyingly enough.

Literally everyone is staring at the two newcomers now, Bandit with a deep frown probably due to the interruption and the recruits wholly bewildered for some reason. Blitz is still struggling to process what’s going on when Bandit pats down his pockets and murmurs: “It’s not mine this time.”

The small gesture is what does him in. Blitz’ eyes widen in utter panic, the shock so sudden that his knees go weak and his fingers fumble upon desperately clawing at his back pocket, nearly dropping his phone and yes, it’s his, though he has absolutely no clue how this happened. Regardless, the screen quite unambiguously shows two muscled guys going at it with enviable enthusiasm while producing a neverending series of throaty and unrestrained noises and Blitz wants to sink into the ground, evaporate, cease to exist this instant. Frantically, he stabs his phone with a fingertip until not only the sound is turned off but also the display yet the following silence is almost worse. His cheeks are on fire.

The recruits are still staring, visibly uncomfortable, while Bandit’s lips have stretched into the widest, meanest and most delighted grin Blitz has ever seen in his entire life.

Next to him, Jäger casually comments: “Nice cock.”

He wants to fucking die. “I gotta go”, he addresses no one in particular and turns on his heel, strides down the corridor and tries to shut out Bandit’s unapologetic hyena laugh trailing after him: gleeful and a touch hysteric. He almost misses the handle on the way out yet barely manages not to run into the door head first.

A few seconds later, Jäger has caught up with him, curiously watching him from the side. “You know that he’s gonna teach them phrases to embarrass you in German now, right?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it”, Blitz moans into his hands and hides his bright red face in shame.

“Also that looked fucking hot. Did you wank to it earlier?”

“Jesus fucking Christ, can you please just -”

“I’m just saying. Because if you did, then you should probably agree to a date with Julien.”

Blitz momentarily forgets about his mortification and turns to Jäger, aghast. He’s been Rook’s most vocal advocate, urging Blitz to give him a chance. “Are you… are you going to tell him if I don’t?”

And Jäger’s smirk is answer enough.

#rainbow six siege #blitz #jäger #bandit #blitz/rook #fanfic #oneshot #jäger didn't hear it cos this sort of thing goes on in his head all day #and blitz will have no peace for WEEKS #this is the day bandit turns religious cos he wants to thank the gods for this opportunity

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