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sagiow · 3 years

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Mercy Street - Hallmark Edition

For Mercy Street Hallmark Movie day, here are the synopses of the Luke MacFarlane Christmas movies recast in Mansion House based solely on their names (no cheating, the only one I’ve watched is The Mistletoe Promise). And because it’s 2020 and the Hallmark Channel still won’t, I’ve made them all LGBTQ.

Chateau Christmas (lol ok I Iike that one)

Through a mysterious letter, still-mourning-although-it’s-been-two-years widow Mary Phinney finds out that she inherited a small, struggling vineyard and ramshackle chateau from Gustav’s unknown great-aunt in Alsace, and decides to put her veterinary practice on old for a month to evaluate her new assets. There she meets - and butts heads with - the winery’s exacting yet artistic master vintner, Lisette Beaufort, whose guarded, veneered exterior hides also a grieving heart. Will their common care for the vineyard’s survival, appreciation for art and Gewurtzstraminer, and the magical Christmas season in picturesque Strasbourg make allies - et peut-être plus - out of these two women?

Secret scoop: Expect plenty of outdated, Emily In Paris-style French stereotypes and swooping views of Alsace that were actually shot in British Columbia.

Sense, Sensibility & Snowmen (FFS)

Following their mother’s second, ruin-saving marriage to her distant cousin, Sir Alfred Summers, Emma and Alice Greenwood move from their native Virginia to his estate in Connecticut. There, Alice is swept on a whirlwind romance with the dashing Captain Willoughby Tallboots, under the melancholy eyes of retired officer Colonel Bullen, while Emma silently pines for her best friend and secret love, Isabella Friars. More distant cousins appear with convoluted relationships, passive-aggressive exchanges over long country walks and they probably go for a fortnight to Bath Newport before it all ends happily in a double wedding.

Bonus scene: Colin Firth emerges from the frozen lake in a wet shirt (Wrong movie? Don’t care.)

Maggie’s McBurney’s Christmas Miracle (ugh so cheesy)

Clay McBurney had landed the hottest deal of the season: planning the upstate New York wedding of Virginia heiress Emma Green to local war hero Henry Hopkins. He has booked the best location : Mansion House Lodge. It has everything: rustic yet elegant charm, breathtaking views, killer cellar, and a top celebrity chef, Pink Erton (yes, they’re that Pink Erton). However, he soon learns that Pink and him don’t exactly see eye to eye on how the Lodge should run the year’s biggest event. With a major snowstorm threatening to bring utter chaos to his carefully laid out perfect plans, and the bride’s family, total Armageddon, perhaps Matt Brannan, the gardener who used to be their army general (and could also be Santa) can help bring the magic back and save the day.... A musical ensues.

Secret scoop: Some themes sound maybe kinda similar to Christmas Chateau? Of course they do: it’s a Hallmark Christmas movie!

The Mistletoe Promise (this one I’ve actually watched (thanks @fericita-s!) so real plot adapted)

Henry Hopkins wants to make partner at his law firm, but the company has a policy of promoting only “good family men with proper conservative values”, and he is happily single - and very, very gay. Jed Foster is running his travel agency with his ex-wife, Eliza, who now has the most irritating and single-brain celled new boyfriend, Byron. As this wasn’t bad enough, the Christmas party season is upon then, and showing up solo is not option. After meeting and commiserating in a mall food court, the two men enter an agreement to be each other’s "+1″ for the holidays to stick it to their workplaces. Could this “strictly business” arrangement (and weekend getaways to Christmassy NYC with horse-drawn carriage rides and a hotel suite with only one bed) lead to more?

Bonus scene: Henry teaches Jed how to ice-skate (shot on a shitty greenscreen + treadmill with no appreciation whatsoever of how one actually moves on skates)

Christmas Land (well that’s just terribly vague)

Real Estate developer Anne Hastings hates Christmas, which is why she always gets TF out of Chicago to spend it on a white sandy beach with many-a sweet drink and many-er sexy strangers. However, this year, her firm has the opportunity of purchasing land next to the little town of Nowell, close to the Canadian border in Vermont, to turn it into a giant, duty-free, fireworks-and-booze-and-pot selling outlet mall, and she is shipped out to strike the deal. There, she meets Charlotte Jenkins, the Georgia girl who always dreamt of a white Christmas, and who came all the way North after her husband died to open a florist/bookstore/coffeeshop, raise her two children, and hey, write a novel, why TF not, in the town she lovingly calls Christmas Land. Will Charlotte’s bright eyed goodness, delicious hot chocolate and adorable -and hammy, over-acting- kids make Anne discover the true meaning of Christmas... and perhaps even true love?

Bonus scene: There is a snowball fight that ends with them slipping and falling one on top of the other, with their laughter fading in an oh... oh moment, that’s interrupted by a kid before it gets anywhere interesting.

A Shoe Addict’s Christmas (uuuuugh whyyyyy)

Byron Hale loves shoes. He looooves them. He can never have enough, but his small bakery barely makes enough to cover rent and supplies. All this changes when he decides to take part in the Great Gingerbread Bake-Off, which whisks him off in magical Genosovia, a non-descript European country where people speak in Britishish accents. There, he meets Samuel Diggs, another competitor in the contest, whose lebkuchen with royal *wink wink* icing is the stuff of legends. Despite himself and the romance of Old Québec City Europe, Byron cannot help but slowly fall for the sweet, kind, really really ridiculously good-looking adversary. But perhaps there is something more regal *nudge nudge* to good ol’ Sam?

Bonus scene: Flour fight while baking something festive, which ends with Samuel pinning Byron to the fridge, their laughter fading in an oh... oh moment -ah crap just used that one already... ok, so let’s go with grandiose decorations in the palac---- huh town hall.

Secret scoop: Sam is a Prince. Oh that’s not a scoop? Nor secret? Damnit.

Of course, all first kisses occurs in the last scene of the movie under the mistletoe, softly falling (fake) snow and a jazzy rendition of a classic Christmas tune.

#mercy street #mercy street advent

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