#also they kept shitting on nonbinary people that dont present androgynously so

[toastandnoodles]

I saw this one person who reblogged a post from my gay yearning account shitting on nonbinary lesbians so I just like. Did the reasonable thing and blocked them, bc I've been there done that, ya know? Like buddy I once was an exclus myself I don't want that kind of energy on my dash or in my notes.

I scrolled through their account for a bit and fuckin uh??? One of their posts was like "You shouldn't block me just because I disagree with you, I like seeing the perspectives of people I disagree with, and blocking me keeps me from seeing your response" blah blah blah and like. That's cool, I understand not wanting your social spaces to be a complete echo chamber.

But also I don't owe you a debate on my existence. I don't owe you the time of day for you to call me invalid and argue on my own identity. My identity is not up for debate just because you're relatively anonymous online and it's really ignorant to think you have any sort of right to peoples' spaces like that.

I engage in discourses all the time in real life, with my friends, family, and college classes. Even my girlfriend and I have playful debates. I go online as a source of comfort and as a way to connect to other people like me. If I don't want you in my space, I'm just gonna block you. I don't owe you anything, especially not access to the space I use to wind down from the day. Fuck off with that presumptuous shit.

#also they kept shitting on nonbinary people that dont present androgynously so #they call nbs homophobic for being lesbians but then imply we dont exist #pick one or the other buddy #we cant be homophobic if we arent real

[smallnico]

your gender thing struck a cord with me in a way-in middle school i felt like i didnt want to be a girl, or that i wanted to be a girl and a boy (didnt know that was a thing at the time) bc i felt like being a girl was too limiting. i didnt identify with what i thought a girl was supposed to be. as i got older tho, i realized that i didnt have to be a certain way to still be a girl (part one)

(part two) and that all being a girl meant was identifying as one. so now i id as a woman, but recently still struggled with my gender identity. i realize after much analysis its not bc im trans, but bc gender roles are just SO limiting and there's still outside pressure and expectation to present and behave in ways that dont suit me, so being perceived as a woman, even tho i AM, makes me feel burdened.

(part 3) its not being a woman thats the issue, its what society thinks that should mean is so limiting and untruthful to who i am, that it sometimes makes that identity itself seem repellent to me. for me, i find a struggle to take back my womanhood and defend it from my own skewed views due to society. i dont need to perform my gender to be valid. so i dont see myself as "gnc" so much as gender role irreverent. I am who i am

part 4- i by no means mean to imply that people who feel uncomfortable with their gender are just struggling with internalized misogyny- i'm no terf, and hope i don't come across that way. This is just about my OWN very personal experience with struggling with feeling weirdly at odds with my gender despite being cis. and i'm sure me being queer has impacted this disconnect as well (u can post these if u like)

i think i will post these, because it also pretty much resonates beat for beat with my experience. the way i interpret “gender nonconforming girl” as a label is really also just “gender irrelevant”, i just prefer it for myself because it allows me the freedom of expressing comfort with my body and the way i was born while also dismissing the notion that i feel any sort of obligation to conform to the expectations of that gender. i am a girl, objectively, in the same sense that a trans girl is objectively a girl, because it’s how i’m comfortable identifying. i’m just not a Girl™. and that’s not like, a “i’m not like other girls” sort of internalized misogyny thing -- i have absolutely nothing against girls or femininity, traditional or otherwise, and i celebrate and support people who find it empowering -- it’s more a discomfort and resentment toward a flawed and limiting mode of human categorization.

but yeah, in middle and high school, it was kind of a thing i held against girls and femininity. i went out of my way to avoid wearing skirts and dresses and bright colours, i stopped shaving, i kept my hair short, all because i didn’t want people to think i was Trying To Be Feminine. i was torn between wanting to try wearing makeup and never wanting to touch the stuff because of its association with feminine expectations. i experimented with my gender identity because i didn’t know what i wanted to be, all i knew was that i didn’t want to be stuck performing femininity my whole life because as soon as i started doing it, it was what people expected me to keep doing. nowadays i sort of associate that internal conflict with choosing a life path when applying for university -- i didn’t know what i wanted to do in particular, all i knew was that i never wanted to be asked to do math again. i didn’t know how to feel about my gender, except that i was tired of being asked to Do Woman, because i wasn’t good at it and didn’t think it was worth the hassle. 

(sidenote, i agree that this is inalienably linked to my queer identity, and the other and better meaning of “do woman”. i’m bisexual, but i was first driven to consider queer sexuality as a part of my identity because i So So Badly did Not want to fill the role of “woman” in a relationship with a man, and realized that actually, maybe i don’t have to, because i’m also attracted to women and nonbinary folks. it’s taken me the better part of 7 years of sexuality questioning to accept that i’m also attracted to men for this reason.)

of course, it’s not like that anymore, my life’s gotten a lot better since i decided to stop putting any energy into gender performance and start putting energy into “just doing what i want with myself”. i wear skirts and dresses now, because i just decided to stop associating them with feminine presentation and start associating them with things like “cute stylish outfit” and “i don’t have to wear pants and nobody will care”. i haven’t shaved since high school, not because i’m rebelling against the concept of femininity, but because i just don’t like shaving. i don’t bother with makeup because i’m bad at it and don’t feel like any reward i get from it is worth the strain it would cause me, financially or energetically. i can’t stress enough how little gender (consciously) factors into any of the decisions i make about the way i present and socialize, to the point where if someone accuses me of being “unladylike” or whatever, my first emotional response to that is confusion, because i wasn’t considering gender as a factor in my behaviour to begin with. it’s not very exciting, but i dress and present and perform as androgynous mostly as a coincidence, cus that’s just what happens when i don’t care about filling the requirements to qualify for a certain identity. as always -- no shade to people who do find comfort in doing so. you’re valid, i love you, and i admire your resolve.

this of course, again, isn’t meant to discount or dismiss the experiences of anyone who doesn’t feel this way about gender. i’m also not unaware of the privilege i hold to not be given shit for the way i present -- i am white, slim, nonreligious, middle class, and afab, all things that factor into society’s general acceptance of my deviance from gender performance that may not factor into others’ experiences. i’m not here to tell anyone that they should be like me and also eschew gender-related identity concerns (though feel free to give it a try, if you think it’ll empower you to live your best life), and i’m aware that it isn’t as easy as just deciding not to care anymore. this isn’t advice, nor is it a guide to any sort of universal experience. it’s just my personal experience. 

but if it resonates with you, i’m always glad to help people feel like they’re not the only one. thanks for sending this in, anon! i hope it doesn’t seem like i’m trying to talk over you, or anything, i just wanted to expand on my earlier point, given that it struck a chord :>

#anon #the askbox