#although i will say that i was genuinely v shocked that my boy jean was still kicking? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

zainbap · 5 years

Text

like autumn leaves, we fall

BangDae college/university AU • masterpost • AO3

words: 6231 warnings: alcohol, mild angst, sleeping pills, mental illness struggles

part five

Daehyun is standing by the counter, watching Sungwon refill the two cups Daehyun had brought from his and Yongguk's table. It's Tuesday, before noon, and the coffee shop is pretty empty. Sungwon is the only barista currently working, and per usual he's seizing every opportunity to chat when there's no line. Daehyun doesn't mind. For someone as vibrant and loud as Sungwon, he still doesn't understand why most his friends call him Sleepy.

"Anyway, you and Bbang should go see it," Sungwon concludes, wrapping up the conversation about a movie he'd seen the other day. "I think he'd like it."

Daehyun blinks.

"What?"

"You know," Sungwon scoffs, eyes on his hands as he places Yongguk's coffee on the counter top between them. "At the movies. It's still showing."

Daehyun parts his lips, feeling his heart do something ridiculous at the thought of him and Yongguk in a dark movie theater. The popcorn placed between them, hands brushing as they both reach for it.

"We don't really… do that," he says.

Sungwon puts down Daehyun's latte next to Yongguk's black coffee, cocking an eyebrow at him.

"You've been going out for three months and you've never gone to see a movie?"

Daehyun stares at him, dumbfounded. He feels heat rising to his cheeks, instinctively throwing a glance over his shoulder. To make sure Yongguk is still reading over by the table, that he's not hearing this. He looks back to Sungwon.

"We're not going out."

He tries to keep the regret out of his voice.

Sungwon pauses, eyebrows raising toward his hairline. Last week his roots had been black, the green in his hair a lot more washed out compared to when Daehyun first met him. But now every strand on his head matches his pink apron.

"What, for real? You're not— Really?"

Daehyun feels himself blush even darker at the genuine surprise coloring Sungwon's face. He scoffs, trying to play it off as amusement rather than embarrassment.

"Why would you think that we were?" He asks, heart racing, because he can't help but wonder what it means for one of Yongguk's closest friends to make that assumption. That him meeting up with a boy in a café to study would imply they're going out.

Sungwon's expression quickly changes, a sharpness to him that Daehyun has never seen before. He looks almost defensive, and it makes Daehyun's heart droop.

"Hey, man," he says, voice flat. "I didn't mean to offend you or anything—"

Daehyun feels hot panic stir in his belly, realizing how wrongly Sungwon had interpreted his reaction. That he seems to think Daehyun's got a problem with someone thinking he was not only going out with Yongguk, but with a guy.

"That's not— I'm not offended," Daehyun hurries to clarify. "I'm not an asshole."

Sungwon's face relaxes, an apologetic smile tugging at his mouth.

"Sorry," he sighs, waving a hand in the air as if to brush it all off. "Just— Some people, you know?"

Daehyun nods, actually moved by how Sungwon clearly was ready to defend his friend. Who may or may not like boys.

"Yeah," he agrees quietly. "I know."

Sungwon tilts his head to the side, regarding him with a soft expression. Daehyun feels like he's being x-rayed, willing his flaming cheeks to cool down. He turns his attention to the paper cups in front of him, slowly dragging them over onto his side of the counter. When he looks back up, ready to step away and return to Yongguk, there's a glint of something in Sungwon's eyes.

"You like him?"

Daehyun opens his mouth, but he can't come up with anything to respond with. He just stands there with his lips parted, heart stuttering at the prolonged silence. How it's an answer in itself. Sungwon's smile grows, and Daehyun drops his gaze onto the two coffees in his hands.

He looks over his shoulder again, just as Yongguk looks up from his books. Their eyes meet, Yongguk smiling even as he lifts his eyebrows in question. Daehyun hurries to smile back before turning away.

"Hey," Sungwon says, arms crossed as he leans in over the counter. He keeps his voice down, making sure no one but Daehyun can hear him. He's still smiling, looking as if he's fighting not to grin. "Don't worry, man. My lips are sealed."

Daehyun's breath hitches, the butterflies swirling in his belly. Because it feels amazing and horrible at the same time, that Sungwon knows. That he seems supportive of Daehyun's crush. And Daehyun feels ridiculous, wondering if he's done something to give his feelings away. If he's the reason Sungwon thought he and Yongguk were romantically involved.

"Okay," he says dumbly, not sure what else to say. Thanking him would be too much like confirming it, despite there being little room left for interpretation at this point.

Sungwon just grins, nodding as he straightens back up and Daehyun finally heads back to the table.

Yongguk puts his book down, adjusting his glasses before accepting his refilled coffee from Daehyun with a soft smile.

"What's that about?" He asks, amused.

"Nothing," Daehyun scoffs as he sits back down opposite from Yongguk, heart skipping a beat. "Just Sungwon being Sungwon."

Yongguk chuckles, cocking his head as if to say touché, and thankfully returns to his textbook.

They both return to studying in silence, although Daehyun's thoughts keep drifting back to Sungwon's words. The pure shock on his face.

Are we going out? Daehyun asks himself, sneaking a glance at Yongguk across the table. But that's ridiculous. Of course they're not. Daehyun would know if they were. And yet Sungwon's surprise makes Daehyun feel like he's missing something.

"Do you like parties?" He suddenly blurts out.

Yongguk looks up, blinking in surprise.

"Ah," he says. "I, uh— My sleeping pills don't really go well with alcohol."

"Oh," Daehyun says, feeling dumb and ignorant. He nods, looking back down into his book when feeling heat creep onto his cheeks. "Right."

"But I can… not take them," Yongguk continues, making Daehyun look back up. "Like, for a night. Or whatever. If I wanna drink."

Daehyun opens his mouth, hesitating.

"And that's… okay?"

"Yeah," Yongguk shrugs, smiling faintly. "It's fine."

The silence that follows is loaded, Daehyun's pulse quickening as neither of them break eye-contact.

"There's a party this weekend," he says finally, "at a classmate's house. I was just— You wanna come? I'm pretty sure Junhong and Jongup will be there too, so it's—"

He doesn't know how to finish that sentence. So it's not just me. He trails off, looking away briefly and shrugging with one shoulder. Pretending not to be as nervous about Yongguk's answers as he is.

When he finally looks back, Yongguk is just watching him with a soft smile.

"Sure."

Daehyun's belly is full of butterflies.

"Okay," he says, unable to keep the smile off his face. He ducks his head down, nodding. "Great."

Yongguk chuckles, nodding as well as they both quietly return their attention to their books.

It's nearly impossible to focus after that.

By the time Yongguk arrives at the house party that Friday night, Daehyun has had multiple drinks.

He's tried to play it cool, while in reality he's started thinking Yongguk wasn't gonna show up. That he would have something more important to do. It's silly, and Daehyun knows it, but he can't help it. It doesn't even make sense for him to be nervous about Yongguk actually showing up, either. It's not a date. Maybe they're not even gonna hang out that much. Maybe Yongguk knows half the people there and Daehyun will only see glimpses of him throughout the night.

In the end, Daehyun sees the moment Yongguk walks through the front door. He looks good, wearing a black v-neck beneath his jacket that's showing parts of that big tattoo that Daehyun hasn't seen before. His gaze scans the room, their eyes locking, and Daehyun watches Yongguk's face light up in a smile. He slips out of his jacket before coming over.

"Hey."

"Hi," Daehyun returns. His face feels hot, but it always does whenever he's drinking. He wonders if he's blushing. The thought alone probably makes it happen anyway. Bodies are treacherous like that. He smiles, feeling loose and happy. "You came."

Yongguk chuckles, sliding his hands into the pockets of his jeans. His glasses have slid down his nose just a bit, and Daehyun wants to reach up and fix them. If he'd been just a little more drunk than he is, he probably would have.

"Bbang!"

Junhong's voice is so loud and sudden it makes both of them jump, turning to see Junhong making his way through the crowded kitchen to join them in the hallway, a head taller than most of them. He looks downright shocked. Once within arm's reach, he playfully slaps Yongguk's shoulder.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

His words are a bit slurred, a beer bottle in his other hand. Yongguk scoffs, lowering his head briefly in a way that looks almost shy.

"Daehyun invited me," he says, looking back to Daehyun with a little smile.

"He did?" Junhong asks, shooting Daehyun a glance. Daehyun doesn't know how to respond, so he just smiles and shrugs. Junhong hums, turning back to Yongguk. "I mean, I would've, you know? It's just that you always say no."

Daehyun looks to Yongguk, surprised. Yongguk scoffs and looks away, the tips of his ears darkening.

As it turns out, Yongguk does know quite a lot of the people there. At the very least, they know of him. Many greet him by name, to which Yongguk waves back with a shy smile. Daehyun can tell he's not a big party-goer. Which makes sense, considering what he said about his pills. At first he doesn't seem to plan on drinking at all. He didn't bring any with him. But then Daehyun's classmate — the host of the party — offers him a drink, and Yongguk accepts.

It's the biggest party Daehyun has been to in a while, considering most students live in dorms or tiny apartments. So many bodies in every room of the house makes the temperature go up, and no one's protesting when someone opens the door to the balcony. Some go out there to smoke, which makes others want to close the door again to keep out the smell. It's a bit of a disaster.

Daehyun is tipsy, having a good time nodding his head to the beat and talking to Yongguk and others. The two of them stay close to Junhong and Jongup, at first. But then Junhong starts break-dancing in the middle of the living room and they leave Jongup to be embarrassed about it by himself.

"I can't believe he still does that," Yongguk laughs as they flee to another corner of the house.

"Still?" Daehyun repeats, sounding scandalized. "Is this a common thing?"

"Oh, yeah," Yongguk snorts, grinning. His cheeks are slightly flushed. He looks so good. "For as long as I've known him. He just… needs to dance sometimes. I don't know. You can't control him."

Daehyun laughs, loud and just a little obnoxious. Yongguk doesn't seem to mind, just smiles at him in a way that makes Daehyun's heart flutter.

Without thinking, Daehyun leads them up the stairs. There are plenty of people up there too, but it's a whole different vibe than downstairs. People come up here to get privacy. Or at least the illusion of it. There's a group of girls in the hallway having what they seem to think is a very private conversation. Daehyun blushes as he and Yongguk walks past them, though they barely seem to notice. Bedroom doors are closed, and there's a few couples hugging or kissing out in the open.

Yongguk doesn't say anything, just follows. Daehyun doesn't dare look over his shoulder and lock eyes with him, not sure what to say. He just keeps moving forward, hoping he'll find something.

In the end, they find another balcony. It's tiny compared to the one downstairs, but it's empty. Daehyun can feel his shirt starting to stick to his skin with how hot he is, and Yongguk doesn't object when he opens the door to let the autumn air greet them. The doorway is just wide enough for them both to sit there side by side, hips touching.

"Nice," Daehyun hums. He's referring to the starry night sky, but forgets to specify.

But Yongguk still hums in agreement. He shifts the red cup in his hand, and Daehyun blinks.

"Your nails are black," he says, reaching out before thinking better of it. He can't believe he didn't see it earlier. Yongguk lets Daehyun bring his hand closer to his face, studying it. He seems shy about it, yet amused by Daehyun's reaction. "Do you… paint them often?"

He feels like he should've noticed by now, considering how much time he spends sharing a table with Yongguk's hands.

"Just sometimes," Yongguk says with a shrug.

"It's pretty," Daehyun says, meaning it. It fits Yongguk in a special type of way. The way his glasses and beanie fits him. Before now Daehyun never would've guessed Yongguk owned nail polish, but now that he knows, it doesn't seem that odd.

Yongguk seems embarrassed then, gently tugging to get his hand back. Daehyun lets go, not having realized he was still holding on to it.

They sit in silence for a while. Daehyun's world is spinning a little bit, and before he knows it he's resting his head on Yongguk's shoulder, eyes falling shut. Yongguk is warm, and he smells familiar. Like his apartment, and the hoodie Daehyun has yet to return.

"You okay?" Yongguk asks softly.

His voice feels like it's very far away. Daehyun just hums in response, drunkenly nuzzling Yongguk's shoulder for a little while before realizing what he's doing. He straightens back up, eyes open.

"Sorry," he says.

Yongguk is looking at him.

"For what?"

Daehyun turns his head to meet his eyes.

"You seeing me like this. I was worried this would happen. I'm— I'm loud and clingy, sometimes. Especially when I'm drunk. Wasn't sure you'd like me, like this. Shit," he sighs.

But Yongguk just smiles. The light is not the same out here, but his ears and cheeks still look pink.

"I like seeing this side of you, too," he tells him.

Daehyun feels overwhelmed by that. Overwhelmed by how gentle and lovely Yongguk is. Their faces are so close like this, and Daehyun can't stop his gaze from flickering down to Yongguk's lips. He wonders what it'd feel like to kiss someone wearing glasses. He's never done it before. Would they get in the way? Would they have to find a certain angle?

There's something in Yongguk's eyes that's new, and it makes heat pool in Daehyun's belly.

"Please don't do anything too good right now," Daehyun mumbles. "I want to remember."

Yongguk exhales, his breath turning into smoke in the chilly air.

"Okay," he says.

As it happens, Daehyun doesn't remember much of the rest of the party after that.

He knows he and Yongguk head back downstairs eventually to find Junhong and Jongup reconciling. He knows he danced at some point, that smokers got banned from the balcony, and that someone else commented on Yongguk's nails, but he's not sure in which order it all happened.

He knows Yongguk offered to walk him home, with the party still going on. He knows he said yes.

When Daehyun wakes up the next morning, with a fairly bad headache, he vaguely recalls Yongguk following him to his door. He'd slept in his clothes from last night, still smelling of cigarettes and liquor, so he must've fallen asleep right away. He doesn't remember saying goodbye to Yongguk.

"God," Daehyun mutters, covering his face with his hands.

It feels strange, knowing that Yongguk's been here. And on the back of Daehyun's desk chair, in plain sight, is still Yongguk's hoodie he'd borrowed the other week. If Yongguk was in his room last night, he either didn't see it, or he did and chose not to take it back.

Heart fluttering, he remembers what he'd said on the balcony. What it had really meant, and what Yongguk had responded with.

Don't kiss me when I'm drunk, I want to remember it.

Okay.

Let's not cross that line right now, but later.

Okay.

Sunday afternoon, Daehyun is bouncing his leg beneath the table, checking his phone for the hundredth time. Sungwon is standing next to his table, leaning against a mop. It's raining again.

"Give him another minute," Sungwon hums, lazily moving the mop around while standing in place.

"It's been five," Daehyun says, voice flat.

Yongguk is late.

Yongguk is never late.

They didn't talk yesterday, even though Daehyun wanted to. He wanted to send Yongguk a text and apologize for being an embarrassing drunk, but thought maybe that would just make things even more awkward. He'd decided to wait till their usual study time, giving them both another day to recover. From everything.

Daehyun feels something cold and uncomfortable settle in his stomach, growing bigger and heavier by the minute. He's worried, in more than one way. Yongguk might be avoiding him, which is enough of a kick to the gut. But Daehyun also can't help but think something else happened. He doesn't want to believe Yongguk forgot he'd been drinking Friday night, and went home to take his pill anyway. Daehyun doesn't even know what would happen, if he did. He just knows it's bad.

"Still no response?"

Sungwon, of course, knows it too.

Daehyun shakes his head. He's told Sungwon everything already. He hadn't planned to, but after seeing the two of them here together so often, Sungwon had already figured something was off. And they're friends now. Daehyun thinks so, at least. At any case, it feels good to have someone around that knows Yongguk as well as Sungwon does.

One of the first things Sungwon had asked was how much Yongguk had had to drink that night. Daehyun wishes he could remember more clearly. It hadn't been an accusation, but Daehyun still feels guilty. If something's really wrong, it's his fault.

"Alright," Sungwon finally says, leaning the mop against his own chest as he takes out his phone. "I'll text him, tell him we just wanna make sure he's alright."

Daehyun nods, fumbling with his phone on top of the table. His and Yongguk's coffees are both gonna go cold. For once, he'd ordered for Yongguk rather than the other way around. He'd almost been excited about it, wanting to see Yongguk's reaction.

Sungwon's boss appears, and he gets busy mopping the rest of the place. Daehyun tries to take a sip of his coffee, but the mere smell makes his stomach protest. He puts it back down. He taps his phone again. Nothing. At this point, he's almost hoping Yongguk is just ignoring him. That it's nothing else.

A little while later, Sungwon returns.

"Okay," he says, his mouth a thin line. "I think you should go over there."

Daehyun's heart sinks like a stone.

"What did he say?"

"Nothing. He hasn't replied. And it's— Something's not right," Sungwon says, looking nothing like the cheerful guy Daehyun has come to know. "He wouldn't ignore a message like that. Not from me," he adds, giving Daehyun an almost apologetic look.

But Daehyun gets it. They're close friends. He's… something else.

"Alright," Daehyun says, swallowing around the lump in his throat. "I'll— I'll go by his apartment."

"Thanks," Sungwon tells him honestly, offering a weak smile.

Daehyun stands, grabbing his bag that's still packed with all his things. He pauses, eyeing the untouched coffee orders, but Sungwon waves him off.

"Don't worry about it. Next time's on the house for you two. Just go."

He's only been to Yongguk's apartment once, but he's got no problem finding his way. Sungwon had given him the code to the building, and it feels a bit like déjà vu when rushing inside from the rain. Daehyun feels like an intruder walking up the stairs to Yongguk's floor, his footsteps echoing in the empty stairwell.

Ringing Yongguk's doorbell, Daehyun immediately hears a soft barking from somewhere inside. The fact that Tigger is in Yongguk's apartment only makes Daehyun even more worried. Because he wouldn't leave the dog unattended for too long, which means Yongguk must be inside. Inside, but not responding to friends' concerned texts at a time when he's usually up and about.

No one comes to open the door, so Daehyun rings the bell again. He knocks on the door. Tigger is still barking softly inside, the travelling sound of it suggesting the dog is running back and forth. Daehyun's heart is beating too fast. His mind starts playing out the worst possible scenarios.

He wants to call Sungwon. He wishes he had Sungwon's number. He thinks about calling Junhong.

Then the lock clicks, and the door opens.

Yongguk is there, peering at him in the bright light, and he looks horrible. He's got dark circles under his eyes, his hair a mess. He looks naked without his glasses. Even with his eyes narrowed, Daehyun can see how bloodshot they are. He's wearing a big t-shirt and his tracker pants, standing barefoot in the door. Tigger is on the threshold, the little tail wagging at Daehyun.

"Daehyun?"

"Oh my god," Daehyun breathes out, relief flooding him. "Fuck. I was—"

Yongguk looks so confused, Daehyun struggles with what to say. Then, slowly, something else creeps into Yongguk's expression. His eyes flicker down to Daehyun's bag, blinking.

"Shit," he mumbles. "What day is it?"

Daehyun hesitates.

"Sunday."

"Shit," Yongguk says again, self-consciously running a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry. I didn't—"

He looks so exhausted, Daehyun feels bad for even being there.

"I was worried," he says, swallowing. His heart is still beating a little too fast. "Me and Sungwon. We— We were worried something was wrong. I thought maybe— After the party—"

His voice trails off. Guilt fills Yongguk's eyes. It makes him look even worse.

"No. Nothing happened," Yongguk sighs, dragging a hand down his face. "I just— I couldn't sleep that night, so yesterday—" He shakes his head, jaw setting for a moment before continuing. He doesn't meet Daehyun's eyes just then. "I took too many pills," he says eventually, voice quiet. "There's— There's two kinds. I took two of the stronger ones. And—" He sighs, shaking his head again. "It was stupid. I've done it before, and it's always— It completely knocks me out. I can barely wake up within the next day. I'm still—"

He cuts himself off, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.

"Fucking hell," Daehyun mumbles. "Yongguk. God—"

"I know," Yongguk says, still unable to look at him. He runs a hand through his hair again. "I know it's bad. I shouldn't have done it. I just wanted to sleep. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't show up today."

"It's fine, it's— Whatever," Daehyun shrugs, frowning. "Jesus. Don't even worry about that. I'm just—" He shakes his head, exhaling shakily. He feels awful. "I shouldn't have asked you to that party."

At that, Yongguk finally looks up while firmly shaking his head.

"Daehyun, no. It was my call. I'm the one who messed up after."

"It's still bad," Daehyun insists. "I shouldn't have asked you. Not after you told me about— I shouldn't."

"Dae."

It's the first time Yongguk calls him that, or anything other than his full name, and Daehyun can barely process how intimate it sounds. Yongguk looks more alert than he has since opening that door, holding Daehyun's gaze steadily.

"I'm a grown man, I make my own decisions, and I'm responsible for taking my own meds. I came to the party because I wanted to. I had a drink because I wanted to, not because I felt pushed to it. Alright?"

Daehyun swallows around the lump in his throat, feeling tears burn behind his eyes. But he nods.

Yongguk nods, too, and smiles sadly. He blinks, changing his stance where they're still standing in the doorway. Tigger whines by his feet, earning their attention. Yongguk groans, rubbing his forehead.

"He needs a walk. I— Shit."

"I'll walk him," Daehyun says instantly.

Yongguk looks at him, something soft in his tired eyes.

"Are you sure?"

"Come on. Let me help. I'll just walk the block or something."

"Thank you," Yongguk says warmly, looking around for the poodle's leash.

He hands it to Daehyun, their hands brushing in passing. Daehyun crouches down to put the collar on Tigger who finally connects the dots and gets incredibly excited about what's about to happen. Daehyun can't help but giggle, the sound shattering something lingering in the air. And when he looks back up, Yongguk is smiling faintly.

"Go sit down," Daehyun tells him. "Just be awake when I get back."

"I will be," Yongguk promises.

Daehyun starts turning away, before stopping himself.

"You should probably text Sungwon back," he offers.

It's a short walk.

Partly because Daehyun wants to return to Yongguk as soon as possible, but also because Tigger seems perfectly content once he's done his business. The rain has turned into a light drizzle, which is a relief, but Tigger walks through enough puddles to get most of his coat soaked anyway.

When returning to Yongguk's apartment, Daehyun only has to knock once to be let in. Yongguk meets him with a sheepish smile, cheeks pink as if he'd splashed some water in his face. He's changed shirt and put on socks. Daehyun helps him dry Tigger off best they can right inside the door, before the poodle gets free and flees into the kitchen.

"Let him go," Yongguk decides, scoffing weakly as they both stand back up.

Daehyun is just about to turn and leave, thinking he's got what he came here for, when Yongguk hesitantly opens his mouth.

"You wanna stay?"

Staying hadn't even been on Daehyun's radar.

"I… thought you'd want to keep sleeping it off," he says, unsure.

Yongguk shakes his head, eyes lowered.

"I won't be much fun," he admits. "But— If you want to stay, you can."

Daehyun studies him. He looks so open and vulnerable, and Daehyun feels his heart clench with how much he cares for him. There turned out to be a lot more to Yongguk than he first thought when they met, but nothing has stopped his feelings from blooming. His chest is burning with it.

The fact that Yongguk looks like a mess and desperately needs a shower, but still doesn't want Daehyun to leave. The fact that they both must know there won't be any studying done. It's always been the excuse, something to hide behind. But it won't work this time.

"Okay," he says.

Yongguk smiles.

They end up on the couch in the living room, Yongguk turning the TV on. They do watch it at first, sitting on each ends of the small couch with just a small space left between them. Yongguk is sitting curled up in his corner, legs pulled up against his chest. Tigger returns from the kitchen, licking his mouth, and trots over to settle into the dog bed next to the keyboard. Silence reigns for a while, but it's not the comfortable kind they usually have.

In the corner of his eye, he watches Yongguk turn towards him after a while, leaning his side against the back of the couch. His feet are inches away from touching Daehyun's thigh.

"Are you upset with me?"

Yongguk's voice is low, but it still cuts through the silence like a knife. Daehyun tips his head back, head turned to meet Yongguk's eyes. He looks so worried, and it dawns on Daehyun just how much his opinion matters to Yongguk. How concerned he is about what Daehyun might be thinking.

"No," Daehyun sighs softly. "I just— I was really scared," he admits.

Yongguk nods solemnly, brows furrowed with guilt.

"I get that," he says quietly. "And I really am sorry. I never meant to… put you through that."

Daehyun swallows, nodding. He believes that, even though he still doesn’t get it. He stays still for a moment before turning to the side as well, facing Yongguk. He rest his cheek on the back of the couch. For a moment, they just look at each other.

"Tell me more about it," he murmurs. "How it all works."

Yongguk seems to hesitate.

"Why?"

"Because I want to understand," Daehyun says honestly. "So that next time, I'll know."

"There won't be a next time," Yongguk protests, but seems to realize how hollow that promise is.

He sighs, running his fingers through his hair again. Daehyun waits. The TV is still on, having turned into background noise. Tigger is seconds away from falling asleep over in the corner.

"Like I said, I have two kind of sleeping pills," Yongguk finally explains, voice quiet. "Last time you were here— That's the first kind. It takes an hour or so to kick in, and it keeps me drowsy for about ten hours. If I'm lucky, that drowsiness is enough to help me fall asleep. But it doesn't always work."

"So you have a stronger one."

Yongguk nods.

"It's— That first one, I can take every night if I want to. It's not… dangerous. But this second one, the stronger one— I'm only supposed to take it every now and then," he admits. "You get addicted easily. They work pretty much instantly, and you get… high. I guess that's the right word," he sighs. "The effects don't last very long, but they're very effective for the falling asleep part. It's the one you might not wake up from, if you take too many at once. I— Every time I renew my prescription, they have to ask if I have any suicidal thoughts. They have to."

"Jesus," Daehyun breathes out.

"Yeah," Yongguk agrees, swallowing. "It's— It's really bad, to mess up like I did. But I promise, I just wanted to sleep. I didn't think."

Daehyun swallows down a dry throat, processing as he blankly looks back to the TV.

Yongguk lets him.

"So what did you take yesterday?"

"One of the first one, two of the second."

Daehyun nods, lips pressed together.

"And you still feel it?" He asks, looking back. Yongguk is already watching him. "What's it like?"

"My fingers feel numb," Yongguk hums, holding out a hand between them and spreading his fingers as if to demonstrate. "It's hard to do anything. I just feel… heavy. It's the combination of the two drugs. When it gets like this, it's difficult to do anything but roll over and keep sleeping."

Daehyun studies Yongguk's spread fingers, despite them looking completely ordinary.

"But it's safe now, right?" He asks. "To sleep, I mean."

Yongguk nods firmly.

"Yeah, I just feel… slightly dazed, still. But most of it is out of my system by now."

Daehyun hums, not sure what else to say right away. He drops his gaze to their toes in the middle of the couch, so close but not touching yet.

"Then it's okay," he says eventually, "if you wanna sleep some more. Really."

He looks back into Yongguk's eyes to let him know that he means it, that it's okay.

"I don't wanna sleep when you're here," Yongguk murmurs, and the honesty of it makes Daehyun's heart flutter. "And I'm… sorry for being so gross right now," he adds, grimacing weakly.

Daehyun huffs.

"It's okay." A pause. "I like seeing this side of you, too."

Their eyes meet again, a smile tugging at the corner of Yongguk's mouth.

"I wasn't sure how much you remembered. From the party."

"Not everything," Daehyun admits. "But most of it, I think. The end of it is a little fuzzy. I remember us being on the balcony." He sees something flicker across Yongguk's face, and even though he can't tell exactly what it is, it still makes his face heat up. "I remember you walked me home. I— Thank you."

Yongguk's smile grows even stronger.

"Thanks for inviting me. It was fun. Just— I might be all partied-out for a while."

"No more parties," Daehyun decides. "I should've just asked you to the movies." At that, Yongguk's eyebrows shoot up in surprise, and Daehyun realizes what he just said. "I mean— There's a movie Sungwon thought you might like," he splutters. "You know. So."

Yongguk's smile grows big enough to show his teeth and gums. Daehyun loves that smile.

"I'd love to go," he says with a small shrug. "Next Saturday, maybe? After my shift?"

"Okay, great," Daehyun exhales, wondering how the hell he pulled that off.

Yongguk grins, mirroring Daehyun and tilting his head to rest on the back of the couch. They're still for a moment, before Yongguk pushes his feet closer, covering Daehyun's toes with his own. Yongguk is wearing white, fuzzy socks while Daehyun had taken his off, damp from the rain. He hadn't realized how his feet were slightly getting cold till now, and he can't stop the pleased humming noise slipping out of him. Yongguk chuckles, the tips of his ears pink.

"You could borrow some socks."

"No, this is fine," Daehyun mumbles.

They fall into silence again, and it's nice. Daehyun turns his head slightly, lazily altering between watching the TV, the raindrops slapping against the window, and Tigger sleeping in his bed. Yongguk seems to do the same thing, though Daehyun notices him blinking slower and slower.

It doesn't take long before Yongguk's eyelids seem to grow too heavy, and he finally closes his eyes. Daehyun gives it a minute, but then he can't help but watching Yongguk's face as he falls asleep. He looks peaceful, despite the dark circles under his eyes. His lips are slightly parted, his breath steady and deep as his chest moves with it. His feet are still on top of Daehyun's.

Butterflies are swirling in Daehyun's belly, warmth spreading from the center of his chest. He doesn't want to move, doesn't want to wake Yongguk up. He can't wipe the stupid smile off his face, happy and relieved to be where he is.

It's still scary, to think Yongguk had just overdosed on his own sleeping pills, no matter how accidental it was, but at least Daehyun understands more about it now. It feels good, that Yongguk trusts him with that information. He can't help but wonder how much Junhong knows. Or Sungwon. Probably all of it, he realizes. Which is probably a good thing. Yongguk needs a good support system.

Daehyun doesn't got a clock within his line of sight, and he doesn't want to risk stirring Yongguk by going for the phone in his pocket, so he can't tell for how long he sits there, Yongguk sleeping next to him. Tigger changes position on his bed at least seven times. The rain stops, one show ends on the TV and another begins. Yongguk slides just a little further down on the couch, their legs all tangled.

When Daehyun's phone suddenly vibrates against his thigh, he jerks out of a haze.

"Fuck," he says under his breath, glancing over to Yongguk as he digs his phone out. But Yongguk only shifts a little in place, eyes remaining closed. It's a text from one of his dorm mates, asking where he is. They had agreed to all clean the common area Sunday night. "Fuck," Daehyun whispers again, finally reading the time, and how many hours he's spent at Yongguk's.

Carefully, Daehyun untangles his and Yongguk's legs so he can get off the couch. Yongguk still doesn't wake up, just lets his leg fall without Daehyun's support. Daehyun stands frozen for a moment, watching Yongguk curl up on his side, facing the back of the couch. His shirt is so big, his spine poking up from under all the fabric. Tearing his eyes away, Daehyun tip-toes to the bathroom.

When he comes back out, Yongguk has turned around. First then does Daehyun notice how much darker it's gotten outside, Yongguk's face mostly lit up by the light from the TV now. Daehyun bites down on his bottom lip, hesitating for a moment, but decides he doesn't just want to leave without letting Yongguk know.

He crouches down next to Yongguk's head, reaching out to gently shake his shoulder.

"Yongguk," he whispers.

Yongguk blinks his eyes open, looking lost for a moment before his eyes focus on Daehyun in front of him. Daehyun smiles, not even sure if Yongguk can see his face. He thinks about withdrawing his hand, but doesn't.

"I'm sorry, I need to go."

"Didn't mean to sleep," Yongguk mutters, rubbing at his eyes.

"It's okay." Daehyun grins. "I guess we're even now."

Yongguk relaxes against the couch again, making no move to sit up. He smiles back.

"Hey," Daehyun says. "Eat something, yeah?"

"Yeah," Yongguk agrees, voice raspy from sleep. "I will."

Daehyun gently squeezes Yongguk's shoulder, letting his hand linger for just a moment longer before he lets go. He can't read the look in Yongguk's eyes in this light.

"See you later," he whispers, before quietly leaving the apartment.

#b.a.p #bangdae #bap #bang yongguk #jung daehyun #bapfic #my writing

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spookylip-blog · 7 years

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DATE POSTED: July 2016 SYNOPSIS: V. STABILIZE ME: PART TWO // HIGHSCHOOL. These paras are about Lip’s entire life basically flashing before his eyes during a coma. OTHER NOTES: this series made me so sad I couldn’t even finish it I gotta get this shit finished. TRIGGER WARNINGS: statutory rape, sex.

SIRENS, they began blaring once more waking Phillip from his slumber. But this time the sirens were nothing more than his alarm, warning him he’d be late for classes if he didn’t get up and finally get ready. Bright neon numbers flashed before him, 5:45 am. It was just a dream… A weird… fucked up dream. He needed to seriously get on a better sleeping schedule, seriously. Staying up for days just for his studies wasn’t doing him any justice. But still, the smell of vanilla lingered in his bedroom. It was strange, how it seemed to waft around him and drag him deeper into his bed. He just wanted to stay there, but the sound of his father’s voice on the other side of the door brought him back.

Unsure of what exactly he was saying, Phillip knew it couldn’t be good. His tone of voice was low, and almost broken. Perhaps he lost another client, or he was talking to someone about his mother. his mother. God, it felt like she was really there with him in his dream. As if, she were holding him close, near and dear. His gaze fell to the closet, which had been opened. Strange. Rolling off his bed toward it he slid the door further open and noticed some of his things had been shifted. Slowly he leaned down and lifted one of the boxes which seemed to look as if it were sat on. It was the one he kept his mother’s cross in. The last item he found of her’s and he refused to take it out in fear his father would take it from him. But today? Today was different.

Lifting the silver chain from the box he slowly locked it around his neck and slid the box back to it’s position. A quiet groan escaped him as he heard a loud fist banging against his door. Collecting himself and regaining the comfort in his own skin, the blond turned his head to watch as Chris entered the room with ease.

“You getting ready?”

“What do you think?”

“Talking shit?”

“No.” baby, he thought, scorning himself as he moved to the dresser, his brother eyeballing him the entire time. Phillip genuinely didn’t know where they stood. When it was just the two of them… Things were so easy. Chris was genuinely nice to him. But the moment Ethan stepped into the room it was like everything changed. Like a switch flipped and Chris had to almost impress the oldest Hawthorne. That really caused a great deal of turmoil to boil within the pit of Phillip’s stomach as he grabbed a pair of skinny jeans out of his dresser along with a plain white t-shirt. He couldn’t stop the words from floating from his lips. “Is there something I can help you with?”

“Dad just told me to make sure you got ready on time. He doesn’t want to be late to work since he’s got some celebrity coming in for a tit job.” The older boy responded, his words not as harsh as Phillip’s as he made his way for the boy’s messy bed. To his surprise, the other began straightening it for him. Nothing was said between the two, but Phillip’s pure shock then quiet hm, should have been enough. He didn’t bother fighting, rather, made his way for his personal bathroom and slowly shut the door behind him.

Ten minutes later Phillip was dressed and ready for school. Didn’t take much for him to get ready. A quick shower and a towel dry was all he needed. His hair was still lightly dripping. The sound of classic rock blasting through the Mercedes speakers and his brothers chatting about what they had to to in class today slowly faded out as his dream came flashing back into his thoughts. It was the… Strangest dream he has ever encountered. Never had he felt a grasp like that from his mother, and never had he seen her so vividly… When she did appear in his dreams it was just a glimpse, perhaps a gentle caress or a whisper. Never had he been able to look her in the eyes, and feel that warmth consume him.

All he felt now was cold. He felt like his entire body was exposed, and the world was looking down at his helpless body. That everyone, they knew. They knew who he was, what he had done, who he’d some day become. But it seemed like he didn’t even know himself. He tried to think back to the day before his nightmare, and it just simply didn’t come to him. All he could hear were sirens the moment he began wondering. He wanted to remember, wanted to know. Wanted to escape to a happier time, but before he could even gently scratch the surface of the day prior, his head began to pulse and vision blur. Maybe he needed more sleep, or… shit, he forgot his medication.

There it was, he forgot to take the pills he got from his therapist. He can remember sitting in a doctor’s office. Who brought him there? Suddenly he could smell the sterilized hospital air fill his father’s car. His gaze opening to watch as the world around him began to stretch and warp. Confusion suddenly turning into pure FEAR as he gripped the seats. “D-…” He tried, but his body began to tremble, immediately constricting his vocal chords. The sound of beeping, it was back again. This time louder, so much louder. And his brother’s voice, it began screaming.

“DAD, HURRY.” Hurry where? “DAD, I think he’s flat lining.” flat-lining?

“Phillip Hawthorne to the principal’s office.” The speaker suddenly boomed, immediately snapping the blond out of his day dream. The entire class fell silent and all eyes on him. It was like a tsunami washing over him, sucking all the air from his lungs as his brow slowly crawled up his forehead. Phillip knew exactly what was waiting for him in that office, and he didn’t realize he was day dreaming that long. He wasn’t even sure WHAT he was thinking of anymore. He just knew he wasn’t paying any mind to the teacher’s lesson. A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips as he quickly moved past the various students and out the door, not a single word muttered to his teacher.

The blond knew all too well what waited for him in that office. What it was he was being called for. He wasn’t in trouble that was for damn sure. Although, it’d be an interesting twist if he had actually been punished for something. At fifteen, Phillip ran to his principal in hopes to hide from the world around him and escape the shadows that seemed to bite at his heels, but it wasn’t until he hit sixteen did she begin to make things much, much more interesting. Mrs. J was only twenty-seven, the youngest principal to ever work a school system. But she was good at what she DID… And when he said that, he meant it in every sense.

Gently knocking three times on the door, the blond reached for the handle and quickly moved into the dimly lit room, shutting and locking the door behind him. “You called?” He inquired, softly as he allowed his backpack to drop to the floor. The woman sitting on her recently cleared off desk with a small, devious smile on her face and a thirsty glint in her eyes. Phillip didn’t need much more to know what it was she wanted. He knew. She taught him very well. Closing the space between them, the slender blond allowed his fingertips to slowly trail up her tights, his gaze latched on her’s as he licked his lesser lip and pulled it between his teeth.

One hand manages to find it’s way to teasingly run up her inner thigh as the other caressed the side of her face. “I hope I haven’t done anything wrong, Mm…mrs. j.” He whispered, the hand trailing up her leg just barely brushing against her heat. His smirk strengthening into a full blown smile now, the sound of her gentle whimper sending chills down his spine. Flash back a year ago this time, and Phillip was the one in her shoes. Trembling at even the softest touch. His hand that once held her face so tenderly now moved to her long blonde locks, tangling within them before giving the back of her head a soft tug, forcing her head to the side and exposing her neck. “I’d hate to have you give me detention.”

“My sweet Phillip.” The woman cooed, the words causing his entire body to tremble with excitement. His lips now slowly traveling down the curve of her neck. A quiet moan escaped the woman’s lips which only pushed him to press his hand a bit harder against the damp fabric. “oh,” she whimpered, his teeth now sinking into her flesh. Phillip could feel his pants tighten and maybe Mrs. J could see that, seeing as though her hands slowly trailed down to the hem of his jeans. “I could never push you, you’ve been such a good boy. i can’t believe you did the laundry.”

“What?” He asked, her voice suddenly changed, his body jerking back slightly only to have the feeling of her loop her fingers into his belt loops, tugging him back.

“I said, I can’t believe you almost forgot about me.” oh, he misheard her. “Maybe you do deserve a detention. Maybe I won’t let you leave here until you prove to me how sorry you are for making me wait a whole twenty minutes for you.” Twenty minutes? His brow slowly lifted but before he could respond she had closed the space between them and allowed their lips to sloppily collide. From there on out things were a blur. Clothes flying, bodies sweating, breathless moans filling the empty air.

Moan after heavy moan spilled from Phillip’s lips as he tangled both hands into the woman’s hair, laying her down on the desk as he used her as leverage to push his body as hard and as fast as he possibly could. There was no better feeling than this, than feeling this way. Not the physical feeling, but rather the emotional one. The woman below him whispering how much she loved him over and OVER. Swearing what he was doing made her feel so… good. That he was PLEASING HER. These words of encouragement only pushed him harder and faster, until suddenly, it all came to a brilliant climax and Phillip’s entire body fell limp on top of her.

Heavy panting and sweaty bodies laying on the table which slowly transformed into black silk sheets. The scent of vanilla filling his nostrils as he whispered her name.

“SUTTON.”

#ᵖᶤᵉᶜᵉˢ ᵒᶠ ᵐᵉ ( SELF PARA. )

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