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dangan-happy · 3 years

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( "Mr. Togami, I am politely asking you for the three digits on the back of your credit card." )

TW: medication, anxiety

To Nagito, Ibuki and Sonia

I just got home from my first day back at school. I started a new medication about two weeks ago that's supposed to help me focus, and it seems to be working! I didn't draw during class and I paid attention, my notes are organized and overall I think I did good!

The classroom was almost full, and I saw a lot of new people. There was a girl I thought looked really cool and I wanted to talk to her, but I can't approach her. I've always been anxious and scared of being around large groups of people or just people I don't know, but it used to be manageable and mostly just an uncomfortable feeling. I think I must've gotten used to being home and only seeing a few people everyday, because it was really bad today. I was just nervous in class but when it was time for our 15 minute break everyone started coming and talking and I was walking behind my friends but other people approached and wanted to talk to them and everything was so loud and it felt crowded. I tried going in the bathroom because that's where I usually hide when I'm not feeling well to calm down but it was full too and then I started panicking. I ran to the counselor's office and she let me stay there by myself. The counselor is very nice, I really like her a lot. When I came back for class Hannah asked me where I'd gone and I was still pretty shaken up and I couldn't really get myself to speak, so I took a paper and wrote something simple on it. It was harder than I expected to figure out what to write quick and she was trying to get my attention and I was getting scared she would think I was ignoring her, but then I showed her the paper and she immediately offered comfort. Hannah is always kind when she's speaking to me but she put her hands on my shoulders and spoke softly, and she told me she was there for me if I needed her. It was a little overwhelming and I almost cried. I've never had a friend like her before. The only other friend I have who shows concern over how I'm feeling is kind of like me and doesn't know how to be comforting, so it's still a little odd for me to have someone who both cares and is good at doing that. Hanah is very precious to me.

When it was time to leave, I got anxious again because everyone was crowded and going to the same place. I was trying to walk fast to get out as soon as possible but everyone in front of me was walking so slow and I was getting antsy, and then the coordinator called me and I got scared and he jokingly said something about how I didn't greet him but it made me more uneasy. I just wanted to get out. I managed to kind of squirm my way to the exit and met up with Hannah outside, she asked if I was okay and let me hug her before leaving. She said that I could stay with her tomorrow, and that they (her and our other friends, I'm still sorta new to the group) hang out somewhere mostly isolated but that if I was still anxious we could all go to the library, where it's quiet and no one else really goes. It might be scary again, but I just have to get used to it and then it'll be fine. Plus, Hannah and the counselor are here for me and the school even allowed me to stay alone in class or in the office during breaks when I need to!

Wow, medication really is something, glad that it’s helping you though!!!! That’s super awesome to hear, Ibuki is glad to know that you paid attention, always a good sign!

Ibuki is super happy to hear that you’re doing great, it’s always nice to have someone with you.. You get 2 people free of charge, well, make that 3! Because you’ve got Ibuki as well! Ibuki will always be here just like Hannah & your counselor. That much she can promise you, hey hey, we can even have a concert! Oh, Ibuki can play her music for you! WAIT. THAT SOUNDS SUPER COOL, LET’S DO THAT!!!!

Hello again, you seem full of energy. More than when you first spoke to us. I’m glad to hear that the medication is working, I know it may seem like a pain to take medication here and there. But the good news is, it’s helping you as it should.

It’s good to know that you have people there for you, but don’t be afraid to reach out back here if you ever feel like you can’t confide in them for whatever reason. All the ultimates here are helpful and wonderful. Well, there are a few that...aren’t. Regardless, those despair filled people have nothing on the shining hope that rests within us all. And the same goes with you Anon, I know you have that bright hope inside you, I can’t wait to see where it leads you.

#danganronpa #danganronpa roleplay blog #ask #ibuki mioda #nagito komaeda #mod rockstar #mod karma

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hottmessexpresss · 4 years

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Fever.

Back problems.

These mothafuckin'Kids.

Three days ago, my son woke up sick. He had this look* on his face. An unsettled look. He looked me dead in the eyes, and he started to gag. My eyes widened with horror. My instincts kicked in, and I did what my dad would do when I was growing up. The only sure way to know you have reached another level of parenting: held out my hands cupped together held under his chin. A vomit catch-all, if you will. Maybe it's a kid instict too. He knew* what it meant and what to do. He played and was fine throughout the day. Thank god.

The NEXT day, I developed a decent fever. I felt like my body was ran over by an 18 wheeler. "Greaaaaaaaaaaat!" I thought to myself. I laid on the couch half dead in a pool of my own sweat staring at the clock. Is 7:00 too early for bedtime? My daughter ended up puking ONCE that evening, so i figured it was a 24 hour tummy bug. No other symptoms. No more vomit. Both kids seemed fine. I prayed that I would not fall ill, and that I**wouldn't be sick. Could you imagine? Being sick AND being the mom? Being the house chore manager? Being the post-op surgery home nurse? What the hell would that* be like? Well, my dad has always told me, God must have a sense of humor based on my life being like an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm....and it was a god awful sense of humor, if that.

Yesterday, I was swiffer wet jetting a pool of urine on the floor. I shook my head, did my usual lecture on how only an animal would pee on the floor. How grayson wasn't an animal, and how pee goes INSIDE of the toilet. Not inside his construction cement truck (boys🙄😬). I bent over, and my life flashed before my eyes. BAM. I almost collapsed to the floor. I was sweating and writhing in pain. I couldn't muster up ENOUGH inertia to walk my body forward. My knees started to buckle, and immediate panic set in. Of all times for this to happen, with my luck-- it did (cue Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song). I am damn near 30 years old, and a Swiffer wet jet mop, along with a slight twist and bend movement, put me to the fuckin' floor. Meanwhile, J-Lo who is in her 50's is pole dancing and dancing at a top performance rate for a Superbowl half-time show. And again, here I am, in the same clothes as yesterday, my body getting over a fever, AND NOW pulled my back out of place. I was angry and upset that I have disabled myself.

Of course, Grayson and the baby caught wind of my sudden lack of movement and chaos ensued. Both hanging on my feet, whining and crying and fighting each other to be held. Every second ticked by slowly, as I completely winced and cursed in pain. I huddle by the cat tree. I try to stand and lean onto it and realized..I needed help. But who could help? How?

My husband was at work. Barely 2 weeks post-op from his shoulder replacement. I broke down in tears. My husband has just now been able to shower by himself. He's still in a sling and has very limited movement. What the hell am I going to do? With different parts of our bodies being out of commission, how* could we do this? I reluctantly called him. In tears, I waited 45 minutes before he got to the house. Before he arrived, with a little help from my Grayson, I was able to dress the baby. Grayson picked his clothes out, and got ready all by himself (I was shook). I waddle slowly to my bedroom and grab some socks and my Nike's. Grayson hauled ass into my room like always (because there isba child lock and it's forbidden) kneeled down and helped me put on my socks and shoes. I told him my back was hurting and he told me, "Don't worry mom. I'll fix it!" He lifted my shirt gently, and started to scratch my lower back. The tears were welling up. He got the baby clothes from her drawer (after one attempt), and sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to her as I changed her. I was overwhelmed with many emotions. I was in that moment, proud of Will and I's parenting and how my sweet and sour child, was being sweet and helpful to me.

Will arrives. He's stressed. I'm stressed. I keep apologizing over and over to him. I shove fruit snacks in my jacket. Will raises his voice at me to stop trying to put Grayson into his car seat. We are both frustrated. We are both not feeling it. I get to urgent care and wait for the doctor. He comes in after 10 minutes and says, "Oh? Are you striking a pose for a photo?" My hip is out and I'm leaning against the wall. I laughed. I explained what happened. He felt my hips and lower back. "Oh. Wow......you have HUGE knots all over the place...no wonder!" I held back tears. Then. This man turns to me and has THEE AUDACITY TO ASK ME** "Do you need a doctor's note for work?" I cracked a smile, but also wanted to strangle him right then and there. I explained my husband is two weeks post-op from shoulder replacement surgery, and that I have a 10 month old and a 3 year old at home, and all three are waiting in the car for me. He smiled and said, "I'd reccomend taking it easy, but that's not realistic is it?" He gave me a toradol shot, steroids for the inflammed muscles, muscle relaxers and T3. My anxiety sky-rocketed. I knew how Toradol made me tired. I knew how muscle relaxers obviously*** relax your muscles. T3 makes me groggy. How the fuck am I supposed to function on these AND take care of the kids?

So long gone are the days of being injured or sick and being able to sleep or "relax". So long gone are the days when no one else depended on you to be a fully functional adult during times of illness or injury.

My husband told me to go nap and relax my back. Though I was irriated by having to listen, and fight back the internal urge to pick up the toys on the ground, I obliged. Thinking back to a few months ago, my husband's sciatic caused him to be down and out from work for three days. I sat up in bed thinking of this. No offense to my husband; he works extremely hard and allows me the luxury of staying home with the kids. However, in this moment, I realized I wasn't able to experience the same "luxury" of taking three days off. Being a stay at home mom means, no days off. When youre sick, the world doesn't stop. Your toddlers certainly don't stop. So you, as the mom and house-manager, trudge through it. Because there is no other option or reason. Some are lucky to have family nearby that can cushion some of this blow. But unfortunately, that's not the case here. Instead, I facetimed my mom and cried to her, asking her to tell Grayson to be good for me. It worked (for a while).

I hate sometimes that these types of "problems" often come across as "complaining," but to me, just shows that a Mother's job never ends. We don't get to clock in, and clock out. We don't get paid lunch breaks. Often times I eat standing up, and pee with a rather curious audience (like when Grayson handed me toilet paper and told me to wipe my gina and did a horrendous digging motion with his hands). I don't get uninterrupted breaks. I don't physically see a paycheck deposited into my account.

This morning I woke up and before I got out of bed, I said a little prayer about being able to walk today. Thankfully, I can walk (at least). I made coffee, and waited for the monsters to wake up. I cooked them eggs and toast. I bribed grayson with a fruit snack to help get his sisters walker, and I slowly slowly lifted her in it. Getting her in and out of the crib has been a challenge. Babies want to be held and carried, and do not understand why* their mother isn't picking them up (torture).

I am realizing women are strong. Though I physically feel decrepid, I am appreciative of what women endure on a daily basis. Whether you work or stay home, being a mother is a 24/7 job that often goes without praise or recognition. Instead of binge watching Mad Men, or The Office (for the 56th time) posted up chillin' on meds, I am watching Paw Patrol while my kids nag and cry at my feet. "You should be THANKFUL. YOU HAVE THE BEST JOB IN THE ENTIRE WORLD....and an IMPORTANT ONE IF THAT." Well, Karen. Yes. Yes I do. I am "blessed" and "cursed" by this experience. I am** thankful. However, I am a human being. I am allowed to scowl and huff to myself, "this isn't fair!" While wanting to break down into tears. How dare I feel so selfish?

I am allowed to have bad days. Being a mom doesn't mean I am some bionic robot (though some days it definitely feels like it)

So here I am standing, slouched over the counter trying to rub a tennis ball into my lower back while my toddler screams, "THAT'S MY BAAAAAALLLLLLL MOM." All while my daughter also starts to scream (because her brother is screaming) I can't do anything but count to 10.

"Being a mom means having to choose between eating, showering, or sleeping. You can't do all three in one day" -unknown

Hug a mom, grandma or aunt today [or anyone that has raised you] and give yourself a pat on the back for being a bad ass super mom.

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