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linhkcao · 5 years

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The moment I realize I can move on

As someone who is not naturally articulate and thus take the comfort (sometimes misery) of holding back thoughts and emotions, I’ve forced myself to record this time, no matter how broken it may end up sounding. What a transitive moment I’m in now, a mental milestone. A deep, great sadness of realization as it may be, I know it’ll help me reach the next level of freedom and self-acceptance. After a chain of exhausting days, I’ve allowed myself to be “officially sick” today. I’m gonna slow down. Thinking about what I’m thinking. Before throwing myself back into the madness of life.

I’m a wallflower to the core. The one that always watch, but never get involved, they say. Or am I? There are many moments where I was absolutely expressive and cheerful, like I’m living the time of my life. And I share that positive vibe to everyone I interact with. But there is no expected pattern of how and when that more attractive version of me show up. Recent recall was a couple weeks ago when “she” came to the rescue at an interview and secured me a job offer, I walked out of the building with an impression of “what the heck just happened? Was that me?!”. The thrilled joy, though, is short-lived. As I quickly realize that the worse-in-nearly-all-aspects version now will have to figure out how to meet high expectations from both myself and other people, built by “her”. It’s like “BOOM!!! Surprise biatch~ just saved you clumsy nerd from an awkward situation, congratulations we made it and now YOU take care of the rest! buh byeee~” every time.

Among expectations built, many I’m still fighting for, and for some I realized it’s time to give up for good. And you guess right, the tone is set up for the latter. The record of yesterday events in sequence, though not and end-to-end story, is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Here it goes...

I woke up with an annoying headache from a shortage of sleep as usual, rushed to the Turtle lake and took the school bus to Binh Duong, the place I would only travel to when I have to. It was kinda my favorite moment of a day though. I would always end up at the most front seat on the the right. Settled down. Eyes half-closed. The squeezing feeling all over my head and in the back of my eyes starts to soften thanks to the blend of gentle air-con wind and early morning sunlight, a cleanliness of smell, and my chill love song playlist aka the sleeping therapy. It is opposed to travelling by bike or taxi, now I actually hope the distance was longer! Normally that could be enough extra energy charged for me to survive a normal day at school. But yesterday was no ordinary day. I had no lectures but instead a group project in which we were struggling with an unfamiliar software. I was in charge of running the software while the other two did the writings. Just the night before I felt like a loser and almost gave up, but as the next morning, sitting down with the team, we gradually figured out everything. I felt so relieved. Perhaps it was not difficult after all. Maybe I was just freaked out with something I’m not used to and assume it's unsolvable.

Midday time, accompanied by the brutal sun, is when my tension headache gets at its worse. I skipped lunch and walked some heavy steps to the first-aid office, only to find it was being locked. Right, the lady must've been having lunch. Lying down at the feather chair in front, I pretended to get absorbed into my Iphone like a normal youngster nowadays instead of staring into nowhere and letting out my fatigue like a depressed person. Crazy how I still cared about what other people think even when it felt like my body was about to give out! And there she came from afar, the first aid staff lady; I turned my head and gave her the “I was waiting for you” smile (most honest smile ever), and she returned the “You’ll be okay now kiddo” smile. The first aid office is where I often come to take a nap after a test, or anytime I’m about the “shut down”. I call it VGU 5 star hotel.

The nap didn’t go well as I hoped, still I had to get up for the mini concert rehearsal, and apparently there are other people like me who are waiting to get their battery charged too (there are only 2 beds). The rehearsal was smooth, was no stress, and eventually better than the actual performance (what a shock). But then came the freaking rain. I blamed it for my bad mood, for my guitarist’s bike’s breakdown. And as we was just starting to come back to Saigon, his bike even had a flat tire. This is it, I thought, can’t get any worse!

I appreciate that my friend was very patient handling the situation, he was searching for mobile repairers and called each one of them. So I was resolved not to show any impatience although I was burning inside, the unfinished project still awaits me at home and seriously I was so desperate for some real sleep so I could make it to class for the presentation. I told him that I’d wait on the pavement to relieve the weight so he could go fixe his bike then come back afterwards. 30 minutes passed by... It was dark and remote as hell, and the last open restaurant which I sat nearby may close very soon. I made up my mind that I couldn't take a taxi or grab bike alone with such a far distance at this time of the day, so my only hope was that the guitarist friend woud have no further trouble and come back pick me up soon. My bestie even asked for the location details, in case I get kidnapped she could know how to report to the police lmao. And my professor was very worrying; she asked why I didn’t just simply stay in the dorm overnight...

Then it strike me how much I wanted to go back to Saigon, nearly at all costs. Even just for another 4-hour sleep then going to Binh Duong again, even when it’s super late and rainy. Am I crazy? I didn't care about rationality. I just wanted to go back.

But the actual turning point goes back to the concert, held at BD Conference & Exhibition center. It was prepared with dedication, passion, hard work, and joy, by tons of members from 2 biggest clubs in VGU. I’m thankful to be a small link in the whole chain.

The vocal quality as well as songs selection this year was really amazing. I sang “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran with anh Nguyen, the guitarist mentioned above. And although the performance was far from being perfect, I heard from several friends that they enjoyed it “beautiful singing”, “u still lit”, “it made me happy”, they even recorded and sent me... And trust me, I’m only glad because I could make some of the audiences happy, it was the only consolation at the end of the day. I personally and honestly didn’t understand those compliments, nor did I feel anything about the song, about the fact that I was a part of this concert. I came onto the stage, the extreme light beamed at us and all I could see are black-colored audiences. I didn’t see their faces, I didn’t have a clue how they were feeling. Were they bored or satisfied? It’s not about what the answer is, it’s about me having absolutely no belief in my performance. It was all acting, no emotions. Why can I say so, because I know what is like to “have belief” while singing. it’s when you just sing your hearts out and don’t give a damn on how the audience look like because you know they’re feeling with you, you don’t need to make sure by checking their facial expression and guessing if they’re satisfied or not.

I always talk to myself, no matter what bad things happen during the day, if at the end of the day when I lie down and about to sleep, I feel good, then it means I’ve had a good day. It was the same expectation towards the concert. I was hoping it could be a happy, memorable ending to my 4 boring years at VGU.

I know for sure there are many students like me at VGU who don’t feel any connection to the school nor other people at the campus. I’m not alone. But instead of being cool about it like many could do (you just simple seek another environment where you fit in), I was freak out. I was longing for the sense of belonging to this university, after I made a tough choice to leave home, leaving a mess behind me and move forward, I was an excited fresh who wanted VGU to be a happy, inspiring part of my youth. At the same time, I was all by myself. My brother was at the time struggling with his own marriage. Vi Anh is in Hanoi and we only chatted once in a while. My is in Japan, for years we nearly had no contact and I thought at some point I must let her go... Doug and Nhi went to BYU and I thought I might lose them as well... Other close friends were also away. I was lonely, i was desperate, i was ashamed.

For the record, there was an only truly happy and long lasting moment relating to VGU. It was the trip to Binh Lap with anh Quan, anh Huy, and Thien Tam. If you guys ever come across this note, I wanna thank you. It was the best thing happened to me during my VGU years.

This fourth year has been mind-blowing to me. I skipped the first semester to stay in Saigon for a part time job. And in the second semester I travel between 2 places. And suddenly I’m not a wallflower here in Saigon. For the first time in so many years, I don’t just watch, I am actively involved. For the first time in many years, the better version I talked about in the beginning and I, become one. I plan out my life, learn new things by my choice, meet new people and, many of them I make great friends, we exchange information and experiences, we help each other growth professionally and as a person. And above all things, My has decided to come back to Vietnam, and I realized after all the lost years, we still get each other's back. We reunited the gang along with Vi Anh and it was full of laughter. Many other friends have also recontacted and so it happened that we still exist in each other's life.

I love Saigon, for that it has been sweet and healing to me. I feel a sense of belonging, of living not just surviving. I guess the only reason for me to insist not staying overnight in Binh Duong was that after so many troubles, the fact that I could be back to the city for just a few hours sleeping, makes me feel safe, like “I’m at home at last”.

Of course, I didn’t get over VGU or Binh Duong easily. I wept out like a little girl but knew it was a “letting go” kind of crying. You know when you wish so much that things would work out between you and that person, it takes a while for you to accept that you’re not meant to be and you can move on and still live happily. Last night was the end to all my unrealistic hope. I felt absolutely nothing. No fun, no connection with the people, the atmosphere there. As soon as I finished the performance, I sneaked out into a dark conference room, playing with my phone while waiting for my friend to drive me back to Saigon.

I’m happy for those young and fun people I saw yesterday who has found themselves there, congrats to you, you will be like a close friend of mine who left VGU and his friends with tears of farewell. It’s also nice for me to be assured that people like me could still build beautiful memories elsewhere and be happy. In the end, we’re the only negative force of ourselves, no one can force us to do things we don’t want to.

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auskultu · 6 years

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Eartha Kitt Talks About White House Dispute

Louie Robinson, Jet, 8 February 1968

On newspaper pages and television shows across the nation last week, one of the prime topics of conversation was the Eartha Kitt-Lady Bird Johnson White House dispute.

Leading editorial cartoonists, such as the Denver Post’s Oliphant and the Los Angeles Times’ Conrad, treated the matter with customary humor, while columnists and editorial writers found it a cause for either praise or criticism.

On the NBC-TV Tonight Show, comedienne Fannie Flagg, mimicking Mrs. Johnson’s Texas drawl, declared that she and “Lyndon” had come up with a new program to send some of the nation’s top entertainers to the Far East. “One of the first to go,” said she, “will be Eartha Kitt.”

While a barrage of letters was reported arriving at the White House in criticism of Miss Kitt’s remarks connecting the war in Vietnam with U. S. social problems, a steady stream of telegrams and letters poured into the singer's Beverly Hills residence supporting her stand.

From noted writer Gore Vidal came the one-word message: “Bravissimo.”

From the Pacific Northwest came the wire: “We 150 women in Jeanette Rankin’s grass-roots assembly in Seattle, Wash., applaud your act, an appropriate and timely indictment of America’s power structure, at the luncheon with Mrs. Lyndon Johnson, which shows your concern for today’s youth.”

From Louisville, Ky., a woman wired: “Hurrah for your courage in giving voice to the oppressed. I am white, you are black, but in the spirit of your God and mine there is no difference. Some day America will know truth, if you and I pursue continuously His path.”

A Los Angeles couple wired: “Congratulations for your great courage. We are proud of you.”

One woman wrote: “I wish more of us had the opportunity and courage to do as you did,” and crooner Billy Eckstine called to comfort Miss Kitt with: “Go to bed tonight and sleep well, because you’re a hero. You told it like it is, baby.”

A Los Angeles organization telegrammed. “The women of SCLC’s Operation Breadbasket, a membership that comprises approximately 1,000 women, congratulate you and support you and will continue to do so on your courageous stand in regards to our black men in Vietnam.”

A business associate said Miss Kitt was receiving such messages at the rate of about 100 pieces of correspondence daily from all parts of the country, including Washington, D. C., itself, from where a prominent psychiatrist wired: “Go, girl. If you ever need a psychiatrist to defend your sanity, send for me.”

Almost a week after the incident, Miss Kitt was still astounded that it had caused such an uproar. The White House affair, she said, was “a luncheon discussion on how to make our streets safer and the problems of juvenile delinquency.” Stating her opinions under such circumstances, she felt, she was entirely in order. She had raised her hand during a question-and-answer period, and been granted the floor.

“My contention at the moment,” she declared as she sat discussing the matter at home, “is that no has objected to what I said. Their feud with me is the manner in which I said it. But which is more important: what I said or how I said it? I think it is unfortunate if anyone feels I was rude. But at the same time, if you are now going to camouflage the truth of your feelings under the banner of my being called rude, it stands to point you are willing to be camouflaged with roses and trees, rather than looking underneath and searching ourselves to realize what the true problems are.”

Miss Kitt said she felt there was a need to “examine the core of what we are talking about at the moment. Is it the fact we don’t have flowers growing down the streets, or the streets lit up like Broadway, or do our problems really stem from things such as wars, high taxes, lack of proper education, lack of communication, the fear of becoming involved, the lack of real, sincere opinions because we have to look at our next-door neighbor and wonder what his opinion of us will be?”

Having lived among both the poor and the wealthy, Miss Kitt declared, “I always keep my heart and mind open; I feel the pulsations of people, and recognize what the pulsation of my own heart dictates.”

The singer expressed the opinion that today’s young people “seem to be the only ones who stand up and speak their guts. They say, ‘I refuse to have my thoughts, my feelings, my hurts, the thing that is burning within my guts, camouflaged with flowers down the middle of the boulevard. So look into my heart and soul first and find out why I am rebelling, then plant your flowers.’ ”

Miss Kitt said that her own reaction to the fact that other luncheon guests appeared stunned by her sudden outspokenness was that, “the only thing that hurt them obviously was that I was telling the truth.”

The singer declared that in airing her views before the nation’s First Lady she was only exercising her freedom of speech. “They keep telling you that you live in a free country, so exercise that freedom,” Miss Kitt said. “I don’t believe in violence, but I do believe in free discussion. Isn’t that better? And doesn’t freedom give you the right to say what is on your mind, particularly if somebody asks you?” Miss Kitt said she believed the situation she discussed “is a very big issue at the moment. Unfortunately in their eyes, a black person had to bring it to the White House. But no matter how they have played it in the papers, it has started them thinking and analyzing.”

She had considered the White House meeting to be “a very important luncheon regarding very important discussions,” Miss Kitt said, so she had made certain preparations. Before going to Washington, she met with a southeast Los Angeles area mothers club to learn their views on problems and had drawn up a list of their concerns. In Washington, instead of eating at the luncheon, she had a glass of wine and nibbled some watercress. “I wanted to be

extremely aware of what was happening,” she explained. “I was not going to let any artificial or superficial things cloud my mind. When you eat, all of the faculties of the body goes immediately to the stomach and begins to work there.”

The singer said that in any discussion of America’s problems today, “Let's be able to truthfully recognize where it is and—as they say in Watts—what’s happening.”

Miss Kitt described herself as “a constant explorer of knowledge.” Said she: “All my life I have been analyzing, holding things in abeyance with questions, questions, questions. I never said I had any answers. I don’t. Therefore, I will always be a searcher of truth, although I don’t believe there is any such thing as final truth.”

The singer said she had offered no solution on the Vietnam war, but she offered the suggestion that its prolongation was greatly affecting the population. “The bomb,” she said, “dropped slowly may be worse than if you drop it quickly. You have drained the souls of your own people and confused and harassed them. Intellectually the soul is being destroyed. I’d rather be dead.” She was not proposing the dropping of any bomb, Miss Kitt explained, but simply giving her view of the effects of war.

Lunching on collard greens and rice as she talked with Jet (she is reputed to have the only home-grown collard green patch in Beverly Hills), Miss Kitt concluded with a laugh: “I truthfully believe the nation has an Excedrin headache and is looking for Compoze.”

The gulf between Beverly Hills and Watts is infinitely wider than the 20-odd miles of freeway that separates these two areas in teeming Los Angeles County. Many Negro entertainers—among other interested persons—are working to bridge that gap.

Every Saturday morning Miss Kitt travels from her secluded Beverly Hills home down to Jordan Downs housing project in Watts, where she conducts dance classes for youngsters living in the ghetto.

Actually, despite her international fame and wealth, Eartha Kitt is not too far removed from the gangly but talented, eager-eyed kids she teaches. She vividly recalls her childhood when “my hair didn’t get washed or combed for a year at a time. Nobody was interested, and besides, water was too precious. It had to be carried in buckets to the house.”

There are almost 50 youngsters in the class. Fourteen girls proved to be so talented Miss Kitt arranged for them to get scholarships to a Beverly Hills ballet school. Eartha teaches “modern dancing, primitive, interpretive, calisthenics, along with personal pride and grooming.”

“The gods have been good to me and I want to pass some of it along. I don’t feel right reaping the benefits of what God gave you without helping others—particularly your own.

“I’m not particularly religious, but I do feel that every man is responsible for another man. Some are strong in some areas, weak in others. If I’m strong I should help and get help from others where I’m weak. The happiest people in the world are those who are aware of that.” Eartha’s working now on plans for a $1 million cultural center in Watts and hopes to get a grant.

#Eartha kitt #ladybird johnson #civil rights #antiwar #protests #african americans #1968 #1960s #sixties #60s

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relationshipsattherefinnest · 7 years

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CHAPTER 6 ALL THINGS MUST FALL APART So New years day I send him this beautiful message about how much I like him and how I'll always have his back never leave his side and how I miss him and can't wait to see him and talk to him and make him my first kiss of 2016 and my last. Like it was super cute and nice. Of course, I went to church and stayed holy. Except when I left there I went to my best friend her mom wasn't home so we was too lit but all of these happy new year messages were rolling in from all these people I really didn't care about and not one text yet from my world “joe” so The next morning I wake up and go to this brunch with the best friend still no text from nit even a thank you. So then I feel in my stomach he did something is wrong and I was scared because I knew he did something stupid. So I go home and take a nap because I had a pretty bad headache and I was stressing so I needed a nap and took some medication. so i wake up like 7:00pm and read this horrible message from him stating “So my old friend with benefits from the summer that I was telling you about came to the party and she told me she wasn't in love with after all she was just saying it because she thought that's how I felt so I have known her longer than you and she wrote me this long message and I fell so bad so I'm going go back to her I'm sorry please don't just shut down on me and say K please tell me how you feel.” So as soon as I start reading this message I burst into tears and cry my eyes out like I knew it was coming I could feel it in my stomach I had never cried so hard over a guy before in my life. My usual attitude was ok bye you wasn't special on to the next but I had actually got caught upper once in my lie I was stuck. So I text him back Saying “ wow I must be the stupidest girl in the whole world I really thought you were different you made me feel beautiful on my darkest days and now you're causing one of my darkest days what kind of shit is that. How are you going to just announce to me you going back to this chick she doesn't own you. So what you known her longer i make you happy she is literally lying just to get you back how am i supposed to feel you literally just gave up on me for nothing all I have been to you is loyal because literally I could have gone out with this guy from my church named DeMarco and he really liked me and had just got back from basic training at the time and really wanted to go out and do something and I turned him down because I know you would have been upset. I had told him the story of DeMarco before hand and how we talked for a while then he laid a move on me right before he left and I really fell for him but I gave up on him because he was gone and Joe was there and you are blowing it for what some hoe that doesn't even really wanna be intimate with you, she just likes claiming you. Not saying that I was definitely going to be just saying knowing that she really wasn't should have been enough. how was i supposed to feel about you doing i was supposed to just be oh cool like what no you know how much I like you this is hurting me so much right now I can't even think straight.” so it was hours before he responded and I had to sent several more messages by then. So he calls me on FaceTime and I'm still crying. so I'm sitting in the dark in my room he is in his closet folding clothes and looks somewhat upset almost as if he was crying too. so he starts trying to explain so I guess I would understand then we began to talk and he realizes he is way more attracted to me and he has made a mistake and he needs to tell her he can't do it so he promises me he's going to fix this and everything was going be ok and stuff so I believed him because I loved him and trusted him biggest mistake of my life.

CHAPTER 7 TRYING MAKE IT WORK so my youth leader texted me telling me that we had a youth session coming up and to bring a friend and my little sister Karla really wanted me to ask him to come because she really hit it off with him from my birthday party. At this time Me and Karla were going through a lot because the pastor had just died but it was way harder for me. I was really close to him we shared a birthday and he is an amazing man and he was a blessing to anyone's life that he had a part in. losing him made 2016 very hard alone but joe was there for me every step of the way and I thought that made him an even better candidate to go with me to youth session. So he gets dropped off at an hour before hand so we can chill together before we go so where just in my family room on the couch cuddling. Then my mom walks downstairs and I stress how we are never really alone and it bothers me. So when were about to leave my mom leaves us both in the house and tells me to put the alarm on so he comes around the corner and we kiss then I put the alarm and we go outside we were supposed to just be friends at this time but I didn't care I wasn't thinking about that other girl all I wanted was to kiss the guy that I loved so iIdid.So we get to church devas there so she's happy to see him he meets my youth leader Erin and they really hit it off. Then I came to realize I fell for a cooler Erin they were just alike just I could talk to joe about anything and he was my age so I was so mad at myself but I got over it anyways. We got in the car to take him home and didn't realize we were taking him home until we turned into his neighborhood so at that point I and my mom determined he was a little slow but I thought it was ok. But going to youth session somewhat helped our relationship to a good amount the next week at school we were in the yearbook room before the fourth block because he would always walk me to class and we kissed and he held my hand as we walked down the hallway and shock it made it clear that he never does that and he was going to get the lipstick of his face anyways he was so loud the girl in my fourth block that was crazy in love with him heard and saw us and man oh man did things get crazy. She started telling me the whole story of them and how he was so sweet and would call her all the time and all that but would never you know wife she and she warned me it would never work out he would never have anything serious with me because all does is play with girls feelings. so, of course, I had to prove her wrong so he would walk me to class just about every day and almost every day in class she would ask how we were doing and tried to throw facts out about him trying to see how well I knew him it got annoying. Then at one point in class we got new seats and I was in between her and one of my good friends steve and I was talking to him about something me and joe had done and we were just laughing then she hopped up in the conversation like oh my gosh really you are crazy and punches my arm like we were friends which are nowhere near true could have lit her on fire with my eyes. But she wasn't the only wild female I had to deal with this year because of him but I will get to that. CHAPTER 8 ITS VALENTINE TIME So then were going into the beginning of February so obviously, I was going make him my so call valentine because in our school if I would have made any other nigga my valentine I would be a hoe. So I got stuff for joe jewel and my Ex best friend. So I was debating if I wanted to get him something since everything that happened and the fact that he didn't get me anything for Christmas. But me being me I had to get him something. So for jasmine I made like a cute little bag gave her necklace I picked out a cute note and baked cookies. She loved it and she bought me this cute teddy bear and Nutella because she knew I loved Nutella so I was so happy and I loved her so much for it. So I got joe a underarmer headband for when he plays basketball because he sweats a lot. I also wrote him a long letter and ended it with I love you. But each letter I did I spelled out their names with character trait words that describe them and he got cookies and another pair of graphic socks as well. So I gave it to him that Friday before Valentine's Day at school. So later that day he saw me walking around with the bear jasmine got me and he stopped me and was like the one I got is bigger for u I was like sure it is and laughed it off. So Saturday was Valentine's Day and I was going to my friend mary house and her boyfriend was coming over and we were going to joe house because his parents were going out of town and his sister was probably leaving so I could get my gift on Valentine's and see me, Valentine. So, of course, he messed up the move because he decided to go out with his sister instead of being with me on Valentine's Day . So we get back to school on Monday I thought he was jus going bring the bear then but nooo he didn't want people on his bus and his friends making comments. This is my thing he claims he doesn't care what people think but he's extremely afraid of showing any type of love or affection in public because obviously, he cares what people think but whatever anyways. So I don't actually get this bear until Wednesday night after Valentine's Day. And I know what you guys are thinking he went and got on sale, no no no he had sent me a picture of it on Valentine's Day at his house he not cheap just heartless at times. So what made him finally come and bring it to my house was a comment my dad said. He was like if he was trying come over here and get some sex he would have found a way asap but that's boys for you. My dad was saying as a joke joe isn't like that anyways well at least not with me, so he wanted to prove him wrong so he showed up the next day "Wednesday" so when I got the bear I was so happy. It was this huge tan bear holding a red heart. The best part the bear smelled like him. He had this Cologne he always wore when he was around me and I loved it. So he actually bought me chocolate as well but my dad and mom ate all of them but I was told they were good. But I was so in love and blinded by it, it was so bad I even started sleeping with the bear and I thought it was ok to trust him again because it seemed like he was putting in as much effort that he possibly could. But honestly what women wouldn't fall more in love with a man they already loved before because he trying harder. CHAPTER 9 THEIR FAMILY WORTHY So now we are coming upon march and it was my grandmother 70th birthday coming up so I asked him to go with me and my Ex best friend because I thought these two people would never turn their backs on me and loved me I was sadly mistaken. So on FaceTime I told him the day and time of the party and what time I wanted him to come to my house so we could be there by a certain time. I a lot of my family was going be there and meet him and everything but one of the most important women in my life were meeting him this day so I was nervous again. Let me tell you about my grandmother she's loving but she we tell it how it is and you know if she doesn't like you. So again what if she doesn't like him or thinks he isn't the one but I hid my fear and prayed for the best. The day of the party came my best friend spent the night before over my house to make sure she would be ready on time. So got to 2:00 and I haven't even heard from joe so I got scared because sometimes he will sleep for almost all day. like one time i didn't hear from him for like two days and he was literary sleep the whole time i thought he might have been dead or worst. thank god he wasn't he just helped his aunt move so he was really tired fell asleep as soon as he got home and didn't get up until Sunday. yes, I overreacted but I was concerned and I was just getting to know him so I didn't know he did stuff like that but I surely did learn fast. so mom is getting pissed yelling at me talking about where going be late and it's going mess up the surprise so I'm calling him blowing up his phone he finally responds with a ‘wassup’ i tell him you were supposed to be at my house at 2:00 where are you? he responds “no you said 3:00 and I'm in the house playing the game.” So we start arguing no that's when the party starts told you 2:00. So he says I'm going to get in the shower I will get a ride up there with sean. So I get this text when I'm in the car and I'm pissed by this point because my parents are made to me now because of him. but i get the text and respond i told you sean had to work. with the straight face emoji i wanted to tell him forget shove your damn phone where the sun don't shine I'm over it. But me being me I kept with the plan and told him ask your mom to bring you and i sent him the address to the restaurant. So I guess he puts in his phone and realizes that the restaurant is 45 minutes away and he's like dang my mom not getting home from the hairdresser until 3:00 so I'm going be late. so at this point, I'm so irritated and I'm just like that's fine just come, please. So then he is like 15 minutes away and he's like what does your family know about us I tell him not much and it doesn't matter either way. My best friend was like why is he worried about that if he doesn't care what people think. And that got really thinking like what's the issue but whatever. So he finally gets there his mom drops him off. But for like 10 minutes before he even got there he texted me telling me I'm here I'm outside so I get up ad go outside to meet him say hi to his mom and everything. So stood out there cold for a while and he still didn't offer to introduce us so I just left it alone waved to her and took him inside and we sat down at the table. At my table it was me joe and my best friend at the time. But if my brother would have made it he would have been at my table as well. I was ready for him to meet my brother and my brother tells bit like it is so that shows how serious I was about him. However, my brother had just got jumped a few days ago out front of my grandmother's house for some dumb stuff so his face was pretty messed up and he didn't want to steal my grand mother's thunder so he stayed home. You know how it is you walk into a family event like that everyone gets to asking question. but the table next to us was my mom dad and grandfather. Well, he is my step-grandfather but he is the only grandfather I have ever had because my others were gone to be with the lord before I was born. A lot of my family members I never got to meet because they were taken away from this earth way too soon.I never got to meet my older brother because he was murdered in the streets of DC I wonder to this day if he was around would I have put up with half of the things Joe put me though. But back to the story so I was sitting their mad but telling joe the juicy facts and stuff about my family and then me him and the best friend where having a nice convo then I asked joe if he wanted me to introduce him to my grandmother. he said yes and he knew how much my grandmother means to me. I told him before about my grandmother and how if you meet her you are not going anywhere. I'll tell you a little about my grandmother or at least what I told him about my grandmother. She is my inspiration sometimes she has been through so much and overcame so much. She had her first child at sixteen and continued to have them she had four of her own but raised eight because she looked in other peoples children. My grandfather steps out on her and brought home a baby and she took care of that child like it was her own. She has had multiple accidents surgery’s and I have been there for most. She overcame drinking and smoking. She is now in church almost every Sunday and if you ever need her you can always call her and you know no matter what she will love you and support you. This woman has 14 metal clips on her neck that she will live with for there of her life, but yet she lives her life the way she wants to live it and doesn't let anyone hold her back. That's why I love my grandmother she's a fighter and she has put that in all of her children, grandchildren and grandchildren we fight back and we do what we want for ourselves we don't depend on anybody. So back to the story, we walked over and I said” “grandma this is my friend joe “he said, “nice to meet you happy birthday” she says “I'm your grandmother” which meant she excepted him so I was happy and I thought nothing could mess up that night. My grandmother was so funny too when he walked away my grandmother said “who's that girl at the table with you with the messed up hair?” so I tell her that is my best friend grandmother you have met her before. she says “Oh I didn't know what's that mess in her hair it looked way better before I just laughed and walked away. so we go and get in the car so we can go home and chill and all i wanted was to go home and cuddle with him. So we get in the car and my best friend gets in the middle of me and joe i didn't think it was a big deal but my mom definitely did and asked me about it later because she felt like i should have been next to him but whatever. So where in the car on the way back and I look over and I see him typing long paragraphs to somebody so I automatically think that other girl. yes, it's very wrong to assume things but oh well so I get mad and put in my headphones and start listening to Shy Glizzy because I really was ready to pop off because if was her he was catching these damn hands I swear to God. So we got in the house me and my best friend went to my room changed I put on sweats and a hoodie because I was getting ready to beat his ass. So we go to my basement and everyone knows that comes to my house my basement is my hang out area, So where down there my best friend goes and hops on face time with her boyfriend at the time he was my friend Noah I put them on with each other. But look so they started dating or whatever and had a whole bunch of problems with parents and everything else then she comes to me starts telling me about all these guys she flirting with at work how she getting rides and free food them. At first, I thought it was fine because it was nothing behind it then she comes out of nowhere with a list of guys 3 or 4 guys they show considering messing with before actually getting serious with Noah. however, I already knew Noah was in love with her so I didn't know what to tell him and break his little heart or let him get burned bad and kill us all. Noah is a sweet young man but he has a real temper. so i decided to just tell him and that was the downfall of me and my best friends relationship but they tried to work it out then i find out that she has gone on my phone got this guy snap that she knows i talk to from time to time sends him some pictures or something called her cute. So she went and through in my face like yeah called me cute I went and texted him like aren't you trying to win me back why would you go and call my best friend cute. he explains I only said it because she was your friend you was in one of the pictures with her. At that moment I was mad I wanted to beat her ass on the spot you don't leave out details like that so after that she started saying she couldn't take me anymore and that I thought she took everything from me I thought that was hilarious I got more things this summer alone that you ever have in your whole lifetime including friendships and men but it's not even because she's ugly or anything she just has horrible attitude i was tired of putting up with it and nobody understood why I ever did so I gave up and I have felt like weight has been lifted off my shoulders. She was a toxic friend all she ever did was knock me so I'm better without that always in my ear. The whole time means joe where a thing she was always being mean a negative and that never helps anyone. But anyways I and joe are just on the couch cuddling his hand was on my butt a little bit it was nice he got excited again. so then the best friend left. so we were just cuddling and kissing then we stopped and we started talking about the future and i started crying and he just stopped and was like whats wrong I'm scared of the future I'm going lose you I don't wanna lose you I want you to be the father of my children my husband all of that I can't even imagine what I would do if something were to happen to you because I love you. then he said do you love me or are you in love with me, this is where I messed up I should have said I'm in love with you but instead I said I just love you. I said could you even imagine if something happened to me if I died he almost started crying thinking about it and realized he loved me too but he wanted to go out and be a hoe and explore and loving me wouldn't change that but he promise he would always be a part of my life but that was a lie. so we were just sitting there talking and his phone go off and it's his little sister and he explains how he was texting his friend in the car and how he was helping her through her problems yes he knew that she liked him at one point in time but he promised her he would always be in her life as a friend and to help her. I was like aw that's sweet so his mom text him saying she's on her way so we go upstairs my tears are all on his shirt so where sitting in my family room just talking and thinking about life so his mom pulls up we go to the door he says I'm not going be able to talk to you tonight because gotta check on those two friends but I'll call you Sunday night I said ok he stopped so I could kiss him on the cheek then he left. but i realized he was texting his one friend named jane and he didn't say anything about it but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he promised me he did like her.

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