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conelly · 4 years

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( luke hemmings, twenty-two, cismale, he/him ) did you see BYRON CONELLY walking down main street earlier? you know who i’m talking about, they’re a DECKHAND. everybody in town says that they’re SANGUINE & NONJUDGEMENTAL, but have a tendency to be IMPRESSIONABLE & VOLATILE too. BYRON has been in town for ONE AND A BIT years. c'mon, they’re always requesting SWEET CAROLINE by NEIL DIAMOND at karaoke nights. well, i’m sure you’ll see them soon! ( ooc: sunny, 22, she/her, est )

hi thanks for tuning in, SUNNY here to tell you all a lil bit about westmere’s very own new nd improved favorite loser below. sorry for this summary being all over the place, it’s kinda how my brain works heh which is kinda perfect bc byron will for SURE be all over the place too ( u can rly tell at a certain point i was like ok i give up + i’m posting mf ). let me know if u have any questions about ‘em and most importantly, lmk if you would like to plot a lil connect or sumn 😙

@westmerestarters

FAMBAM + BACKGROUND

born 14 years after the elder conelly ( wanted brother connect !!! ) entered this word to two parents who didn’t seem to read the job description, it was clear that byron wasn’t planned. and down the line, he’d soon realize through the tumultuous household he was brought up in - perhaps never even wanted.

byron’s parents had one constant - and that was fighting. over anything, all the time. there just wasn’t any love between the two and they stayed together for whatever meaningless reasons until byron hit middle school. ( there might’ve been a super short lull in toxicity once byron was born, but it had to be short as his first memories are nothing shy of toxic. ) it was a messy separation ( they never paid the full legal fees for a full divorce ) - his father moving to the coast of nj & his mother moving to a smaller apartment nearby her own mother ( which, due to the negative relationship among his mother + grandmother, also called for more tension ). he’d often be dropped off @ his grandmother’s house for baby-sitting or when he was ‘ becoming too much to handle. ’ eventually his grandmother moved into his cousin’s house ( MONROE ) and although grateful he made a practically new brother, similar tendencies of feeling unwanted occurred when byron noticed their grandmother praising and coddling and favoriting monroe just a bit more.

( his mother was a struggling addict ( and had been her whole life ), but the loneliness, newfound pressures and whatever excuse she was able to name caused her drinking to spiral worse than byron remembered ( even at his young age ) before. )

( his father was rarely in his life, but when he was, he was THE coolest. always played good cop in any situation regarding his mother, despite choosing not to have an active role in byron’s life. byron looked up to him like no other. when he WAS around, he taught byron how to surf, skateboard, play sports, they’d play video games, they’d eat junk food - honestly anything that byron wanted to do. his dad was an adrenaline junkie and created the stepping stones for byron to be one too. he was a marine biologist & pretty successful at that. passionate, intelligent, but seemingly finding his newfound life a lot better than his previous - which is why he never wanted byron to stay too long, the boy reminded him of her, of the past. )

( his older brother moved out of the house when byron was just a lil kid, they’re not very close and don’t have much in common ... or so it seems. he lives in nyc and they only talk here and there on holidays. he was never a huge part of his life, but it does bum him out to think what could’ve been / could be. )

TO GET THE GIST

due to never receiving the attention he craved from his family members, he made up for it tenfold in school. he was always talking to everyone, loud, boisterous, gregarious, life of the party; he wanted people to like him and they did. he become a total people pleaser, molding himself to make sure everyone was content and stayed around. impressionable, adaptable. he felt less this way towards adults and had a bit of a rebellious phase, hanging with the wrong crowd & getting into things he probably wouldn’t do otherwise. old habits die hard and he still tries his best to make everyone crack a smile, to remember him - since he believes he won’t be remembered for much else.

after he just barely skated by in high school ( his grades were never as good as his cousin’s and never lived up to his father’s expectations ), byron felt a bit lost. a lot of people had plans, were heading off to college - but already under the assumption he couldn’t reach any expectation in that realm ( a lil self fulfilling prophecy am i right pals ), he stayed in town - caring for his mother who hardly had anything together, his uncle who got sick very quickly & passed, spending time with his grandmother, while he himself fell into a rut. most of his days meant he drove out towards his dad’s place ( dad hardly there now, out and about with his new family ), surfing, smoking, and grabbing some cash doing odd jobs any way he could. he lost any purpose he once had ( but yall would never know it bc who wants to be in someone’s life who’s a buzzkill ? all smiles, baby, all smiles. )

IN WESTMERE

when his cousin offered the opportunity to travel cross-country in his van, byron had nothing to lose. always adventurous in spirit, he immediately said yes - deciding to ignore that ‘obligation,’ that feeling to make sure they were a-ok that he felt towards his parents. he needed an out and this was it.

after landing in the small connecticut town for the night, the two fell for it - especially since when they got there along the water, it was a summer night + everything landed into place. they decided to stay there a bit longer ... and that eventually turned into more than a year. still antsy to keep traveling and to move around, byron has been ready to head out ... but stays for a few reasons - and them all being people ( bc lbh the surf is not even on point here ok )

his current job is a deckhand ( on a bunch of boats, ppl prob hired him as word of mouth got around that he knew what he was doing ). prob got that knowledge from being by his dad’s on the water when younger ( he’s ... obsessed with the water ) ! and also he’s just a quick learner ok ( ps: if your charrie has a boat pls let’s make somethin happen )

TO KNOW [ headcanons + more ]

his fav karaoke song is sweet caroline bc he knows everyone will be able to sing nd party along. he does it for the ppl, ppl.

he never saw too many baby / kid pics of himself which was kind of a bummer bc he really only remembers negative times - somehow they overpowered ( i bet lil byron was cute as fuck too fml )

he’s super into drugs, hallucinogenics, honestly you name it. it started off w/ him being impressionable, then bored, and now he just enjoys it. despite his mother’s addiction running through his blood, he still continues to do his thang.

longboards around town so watch your toes

uses 🤙🤙 all the time and not ironically

has an existential crisis on the daily about purpose but keeps that to himself most times

WANTED CONNECTIONS

someone pls give me a sugar mama idc how we plot it out they don’t have to hook up they can idk idc i just want someone giving him money or expensive things it can be so much fun ok ,, pool boy ? idk sign me up

pls if your muse has a boat, let him be the deckhand ok it will also be so fun and potentially angsty if he fucks something up

a fling 100% - even multiple ? idc listen he is currently sharing a tiny VAN with his COUSIN he needs a place - like an actual bed - to crash on at night

can he save someone who was potentially drowning pls??? he used to be a lifeguard, it can be a cool/fun thread to write out

omg off of that can he teach someone how to swim

look if anyone is into marine bio, can they somehow know byron’s father ?? i feel like that could make room for a cool plot

also i have an older brother connect on the w/c’s page lmk lmk

give me a good influence that will somehow have him open up + tell him that it’s weird to be so sunshiny all the time. maybe someone who witnesses him at his worst + stays, ya know ??

a bad influence plot where y/c takes this impressionable young lad and puts him through the ringer tbh ( srrsly he’d do a lot for ppl, so ask him to do something illegal for them it’ll be fun )

party pals, smoking pals, on the water 24/7 pals,

co-worker, other ppl that work on the water ( fishermen?? more deckhands?? captains??)

gimmie someone he accidentally bumped into while longboarding ( he’s a large human it might’ve done damage ok )

i want and need enemies ok i know he’s chill as fuck and wants everyone to like him but there’s always a way to find enemies >:o. anything angsty for REAL.

unrequited thing? where he led someone on?? i’m sure he does this constantly

don’t ruin the friendship thing omg plsssss always so fun

look i’m open for it ALL. every plot u have in mind so lay it on me

#westmereintro #TW ADDICTION #nd ... i think that's it

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the-firebird69 · 3 years

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they hassle him non stop itches and pinches sickness and more and tons of berading talking smelling threats and attempts to harm him. tonight will be different you losers will feel pain now and lots of it when you try picking up the phone like the addicts you and we wont go through it again. you wont get any inventions and you wont get our engineering we pull it all. drain you all to death in doing it. meaning forg want it and will are pursuing you for it now. are at your door banging loudly, and will kill you for it..we are in forg garb too. get it. we shoot you for them they get in fights we do it now. on purpose....ok he had yoru women say it to you they knew hate you as they should. are tough adn mean but hey you are much much meaner and stupider. lousy people lame friends if that is what you call it and you suck so badly for calling us ok the idiot with the restaraunt name we crucify you along with a few trillion others. no...octillion....and we set it up you go there you are up on the cross immediatly..talking...we hear it all confessions and more...are at it need it ok. and they call and we see who. now you notice after piles and piles of you die a night...we pile you up too your so dambed stupid...fn fags. Thor Freya you know what your problem is s...what they say..thats yoru problem you have to ask. now it is evident you are lame here and the motif is too ruggid...grinds you down, you use a matrix all do and slices you up. your cheap mean senile pukes as planned and die smiling about it. lose your intel and hardware, and troops and cloning, your personal lives too. you did all this sold the beans and cow..and so on...and dont notice...have to ask. are told forget. so what...we do taht. exactly. your free to die. and that is how. pitiful deaths. so shut up go away and crawl off pitiful wretches here you inane and die. i mean really how embarrassing do youu think it is...they see you converse no, spit blab harrass croak in all the wierdest ways and see your weak...forg take you..so you want to ramble now ok get it rolling do so we take you to the holes local ones so we can get him up and Thor says it was said nicely... Zues Hera it is what it is and that..your horses asses on purpose and have no idea the danger or results or immpmlications none. we know. and you are a loser there...tons dont get it you blab to make sure. how aweful for you and them. to die like this at his hands. and ours..withe ease by the way...he makes it look so easy tons of forgieners do it and find your willing to die. nice touch. too adding you in the mix no. your a total fool. and your idiots pipe up knowing full well they croak hoping to injure him..so he is then injured. we do nothing for you still. and you fall again immediatly. and ask in ridiculous ways. a re p ushovers we push you over. and yeh we can talk and talk and aare not you doesnt affect us like you...the sound attracts killers to you and machines monsters and they destroy you. but your too busy having fun making faces in a camera like a three year old child....mostly girls. your so eradtic mean hostile immediatly. you lack the understanding here in fl. most of you. Thor Freya right on the money. it is true most cant see it and blab and torture each other and into violence or poisonings and most are losers here are under the influence of methane and other. it is hell they are so bleak and lame and senile and stark. this fn blows this state. and the people fall fast too hours here and off ranting...he seems immune.truly does is not a ranter yes. but has a bit no. and he is serious he is arguing with real ppl. you idiots put your point out over and over and over and over to nobody to find you hunched over your computer in the am dead or asleep or exhausted and nurse yourselves to life for a day..and do it again. lame. useless. mean. hostile. and yeh it is not rpoducing squat. mac is angry there it is and you all balk he said it and there is his grandaddy ashortly need it..and balk. he will kill us prob your useless...they say no we work..so get off him..now. leave him bee he only sits. no. we need it now....so we hit now mac says true too these are all greedy shits and the lot and bja and others shitheads too so dumb. mean arrogant lame. so tell me off you shit we hit you your a loser. and your father says it you fn scum your ruined it the one who was supposed to help you ccould not produce one chopper and had it...i saw his eyes oh that is cool...then plop. no movement for weeks no sales no investors. no fun nor entertainment only brooding. so he says you stoppe him and he says yup. and he will yammer all night and die. so what you are a fool. you stopped you and no you cant couldnt and he knows it blocks. the german tape co. price point but blocked a s they could have sold cheaper and didnt. machines you see do it in germany and i knew and then this..w.e cant let you mac said. horrible mac says and the bugs are atrocious attack and attack and attack. just like our whooses. attack and attack and tons of it shpping nd working and it is so lame and bad forg trashed the north adn midwest and south adn weset. east gone shortly..your out you fags. out. i demand it qe and pick me up mac and macs i will be in the ocean tonight or shortly within days...jons house he presets says he doenst know he does. told us tons and you dont get it. ratted you out on tons of stuff and nuances due to your inflammatory attitude. and she is horrendous inlfuences him to f up his own stuff. easily. he is a failure. this is nonsene keeping them around, this is it im fed up he is so stupid he rants about him..and youi are influencing him to you shit. and not forg. he says so we use forg stuff. not for long we are there kicking you out they are too you braggot dead bitch. you are in the middle as caa pointed out and die fast. and have tech and data and intel we need back badly. we intercept you craft you idiot using his channel..your a liar. qe happy weith yourself you got me in trouble,,,adn for years. cork your a frggin moron tell me to get you in trouble to blame me your technique and tons know. trump and others rat on you you wont shut up stop or do anything that is rational. and you started in on me to harm me with your you go in the garden...and you go in the museum and your von hagen every single day you still announce it billium send in reports says how many times. then you try stuff, are huge pigs and are monitored. your not allowed to harm me as you are. you try you die you overstuffed imbicile...he means you are puffed up and mean so we hit you....and you are not to contact him ever nor lot or any of you. r estrtaining orders are on you all your within 100 feet in or out of the house you are down and out. all of you die tonight by the way we dont allow you back to earth your a dunce ok. Thor states and Freya issues orders...we need bigger teams yes...she says and sends. i request we flatten three major areas of cork, take them seup bases and Thor says ten...we divvy now and prep to bomb shorlty we shall...and it goes now....we also hit the entire upper mid west and in corks name too....we present most of the crosses are him...take them down he orders no affect lets make haste...we shall...and ther eis none...toss them all into holes seek out all cloning...and birthing and we did all the quetioning and they thought they would be freed we hit in fl and elsewhere using it and he is happy. yes bja rememered your idiotic questino. happy you will die as he has tried to kill you for many years..has been successul tons of times.. of course happy idiot. Zues Hera we launch a full blown program now against cork and use it all. this is nonsense he does and on purpose to distract us we use it on him. Freya we use it too his inane comments and messing with him with bugs...tons say it off turn off the compouter nah Thor macs mimic try to use it and try too hard. as do others...it is easy ok to see why. Zues we use it ok mimic those copying the orders using them on you and your assholes cork your a friggin asshole...we shoot you at each meetup ok your a faggot and wont shut up. Hera we see your guts as we enter and exit. we hate you cork you fup so often adn to no gain. your a shit too. we fire you now mac daddy how lame of an answwer bja how lame of an act you ddi not conceal a thing so why hsould i ever react differently i have to defend myself and do wihtout hesitation, as you revealed yourself so many times adn are so frigin lame at your job Zues oh bja yeh oh little shit Zues go to hell cork now. i command it all those in my service you are to follow this order Thor and Freya Hera and Olympus shall enter....grab them all you see them grab them....and they send it now. out. stuff them in holes let us raise our Armies not our tempers....it is fruitless work cork wants and does not much affect but he is a miscreant and terrorist raises them trains them and lets hit his training camps..now Zues Hera anyohter comment corks you want more. Hera nah we get it we are out cork oh you get it snide asshole. you shall Hera you shall yes. we invade Savage Oppress says you blabbed macs plan and yours.

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pretty-little-liars-hints · 7 years

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#PLLENDGAME finale predictions

Please dont let marlene and friends “confirmations” keep u closed minded.

So they confirmed a time jump btwn 719 and 720.. bullshit They also confirmed toby was “pure evil, bad intentions” and no they wont go the transgender route

They cant make a year later and the girls dont know who A is and Ezria still arent married. It will most likely be after the reveal and answers then we get a time jump and see where the girls end up.

Mona is seriously ill. She ends up back in an institution face 2 face with A. Im so afraid she will die

Aria finds out something devastating about Ezra. Clearly she is the most distraught from all the girls. Even goes as far as to say they cant marry. Too obvious to make him A. Could he be the sperm donor? Ie. Emisons baby daddy. He had a sick obsession with Alison, the book, the lair (with the creepy ass blown up photos), dating her. Mona was on track to find baby daddy and we know Ezra is tech savvy. Is this his sick way of fulfilling an even sicker Alison fantasy. After all his masters degree in American literature will help him with dead bodies (wtf was that about)

Melissa and Wren are back.

Wren.. sweet baby wren. I stand by my theory that he is Bethanys brother. He could know mona hit his sister and shoot mona. We know he plays a big part in the end. After all isnt bethany the basis of everything? It was her dead season 1 after all. Perhaps he knew about her drawings, jessica, mary, spencer, melissas involvement in ultimately killing her (dirt in lungs)

Melissa is here to please fans. Did she know about Mary? Spencer? ABSOLUTELY. “I did this to protect u spencer, since before it started.” Even garrett mentioned protecting Spencer on the train.

Jenna can see. We see that in the promo. But the question is, for how long?

Im all for a TWINCER storyline but how much more unrealistic can we get. There was already a hidden sibling (charles) a hidden twin (mary) they cant do that again. Spencers moodswings addictions and odd behaviour could just be genetics. Her lineage has a history of mental illness. Take Ali for example, remember when she had a bloody lip? Crying and opening up then BAM back to bitchy Ali! Doesnt mean much except they have some issues.

If there is a twin i am all for it! I love Spencers character and Troians acting so i will take it… but i highly doubt it.

I feel like they went big, outside the box with charles… cece… charlotte. This reveal needs to be simple, clear, devastating.

Paige- no way. People will be pissed Lucas- accused too many times. Cant be him Melissa- already a killer and made to look like A too much already. Too obvi Wren- will be involved in something but isnt A Parents- is nothing sacred Toby- we need spoby for endgame Caleb- we need haleb for endgame Ezra- too obvious from the promos Charlotte- cant bring another person back from the dead Bethany- same as charlotte Who is left guys???

Jason.

My sweet, gorgeous Jason. He is the center of all things major on pll.

- he is a dilaurentis (raised) - he is a hastings - NAT club - odd scar possibly from Halloween train never explained. - always travelling - has the money to be A - slept with Ashley Marin yet A never told Hanna that yet? p.s. he slept with pastor teds girlfriend.. charlottes birth father, was it revenge?? - dated charlotte - really close to charles. - Jenna was almost killed in his house - gave Spencer a bag he found of alis things (even though mayas family owned the house alis shit was still around) - he likes Arias pink hair. In the dollhouse she was forced to dye it. - liked aria. Notice A always tried to break Ezria up and Aria was not physically harmed by A (wilden and meredith hurt her) - NAT was his idea.

- cece and jasons breakup was complicated… ya learning your girlfriend is your long lost brother/cousin is complicated. - he paid lucas to find out who stole the body and acted shady ever since that day. Possibly when he joined Charlottes game.

In the vault there were 2 ppl. One was watching Ali on screen the other stood there and looked at Emily when the girls burnt down the vault. The prom scene?? Why the hell would a transgender female dress like a man??? Spencer even said something seemed familiar like a cousin. Lmfao jason is her brother and her cousin.

Think about it. AD wanted to know who killed Charlotte. Why? Archer loved her, Mary was her mom, why would AD care? Another family member

Cast members said fans from day 1 will be pleased, it answers a lot of questions, you can go back to thr beginning and see hiw it happenned. Even if he joined Charlottes game. He has always been shady from day 1! If i had to guess right now. It would be Jason . Just putting him in the hoodie answers so many questions without actually answering them. Did he learn something back in his NAT days to fuel this? He started having people film for him watching these girls... over the years it escalated to this sick game of life or death with people working for him... watching and playing with these girls

“I never would’ve guessed it was you”

I would be very happy with this. Tell me what you guys think!!

#pll #pretty little liars #pll 7b #pll endgame

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pokeanangel · 7 years

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Remembering..

I remember when I first met you..

I was dating someone else at the time and I was introduced. You were just a guy. In a mall. Playing what you loved. Smh. I never thought anything of it other than I thought you were cute. I nodded and said, “nice to meet you,” and walked away with the boyfriend I had at the time. I never thought anything more than.. He is cute..

Little did I know.. You would be back in my life…

Almost 2 years ago..

We worked together before we started talking. I remember some chats we had outside our workplace.. Numbers were exchanged.. But nothing ever came about.. We would talk about anything and everything. Still, maybe it wasn’t our time. Or maybe.. It was a learning curve for us.. But two years ago. Not to the day… Aug. 23, 2015 I messaged you. I asked, if you wanted to join me and a few friends for karaoke. I had plans on hooking you up with someone. I still feel bad. I mean, I wanted her happy.. I didn’t care about myself.. We didn’t talk that much before.. Who cares right? So, before we ALL went out.. I invited you to dinner. I had just worked a 12hr shift and was running around the entire town doing work. I was hungry and I wanted company. I picked you up at your place and we went to dinner.. Applebees.. We talked and shit. I explained what was going on and how I felt. You told me that you didn’t like her like that… Of course… I felt horrible. Maybe we shouldn’t do this.. But I think that my friend will at least enjoy one night with you. I remember taking you back to your place.. And we went up stairs to talk… After that… I knew I was in for it. Just talking to you made me worry.. I didn’t think anything of it. But I really did think you were cute. If only ppl knew how much I truly loved you. After that night. I think we constantly saw each other. I didn’t want to catch feelings. And I told him that it was happening.. So we backed off from each other. I still wasn’t wanting this thing to end between us. A couple of months went by and next thing you know I’m constantly sick.. I drank a few more times than I should have and was smoking too. I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure how to feel. But I was scared… Scared to have another child. Scared that my oldest would be jealous.. Scared that this was a mistake. Another mistake that I honestly didn’t think I could handle. I didn’t want to be a single mom. I cried.. I cried because I wanted another so badly. But still was scared. I wanted it to be loved so much from both sides of the family.. I told you. It was shock.. It was.. I don’t know what it was but… It is what it is.. I avoided you. I couldn’t help but want to crawl into a hole. You didn’t want to have kids. Then this! I left. I was relieved to just have told you. I just lived life.. I didn’t know what else to do.. I worked long hours away from home. Barely got to see my oldest. Then a month later I went to the OB and I was cramping.. I noticed I was spotting but it didn’t usually mean much. Sometimes it happens. You bleed a little because of implantation. I get to the OB and it got more and more painful.. The OB warned me. I could miscarry because of my HCG levels weren’t raising quickly enough for their liking. I got an ultrasound preformed and what I dreaded.. Had happened. They weren’t very caring. They just sent me on my way. I went to tell you and you just… Were relieved and happy. I mean, I saw you.. I just needed to go.. I got out of my car and told you. I remember looking at you and you just said, it was for the best. You weren’t ready. I completely understood. I wanted to just leave. I’m about to get into my car and your friend calls me over. I really should have left.. But he is your best friend and I figured this would probably be our last encounter. I came up on his deck and we talked. He asked about my pregnancy.. I told him i miscarried. He quickly said his peace on everything with us and moved onto the next item. After that night… I went home crying. I was a mess. Pieces of me were just everywhere. No one understood wtf was wrong with me. I shut down. I hated my job, men, women, just everything. I couldn’t think straight. I still talked to you once in awhile. I honestly didn’t know why. I hated how I felt. I didn’t realize I was hooked on you. You truly were this drug. A drug that shouldn’t be on the streets.. He… IT would be so addictive that it would kill anyone or thing in it’s presence. You think I would have learned my lesson.. However, I did not. I immediately started birth control after the miscarriage. I couldn’t imagine putting myself through another.. I was stressed out and fumbling around with myself. I would talk to you.. I never realized that it would go too far. But this addiction I had.. It overtook me. It stripped me of my entire being! I was so angry.. I wanted to just let my world crumble, but I was also depressed. So, so sad. Do you know what it is like losing something? Something so important that it eats at you because you know you lost it? Because.. Losing a baby… Even tho it may have been so small.. Microscopic.. It’s still a baby in a person’s eyes.. Its crushing for someone that had wanted something so badly. Never wanted to feel that crushing pain again. So, birth control it was! On the mini pill. Ugh. It sucked. Why not the ring or shot or whatever? Because the hormones messed me up so bad.. I thought it was bad before.. Ugh Horrible after everything except this stupid mini pill. I remember seeing you.. I had gone shopping with your sister for Christmas after this.. Situation… I remember going to your place and hanging out with you. I handed it over.. A journal.. Zelda.. Nothing special, at least, I thought.. Ya know… To this day I really don’t know if it was important to you. Of course, you seemed to like it. We sat there talked.. I remember thinking I should probably just leave. We talked more.. The rest was a blur. I remember waking up after our round of..fun.. And getting dressed and leaving. I think I went home then work.. It was awkwardly warm out. I can’t remember much. I feel like I blocked out that month.. On Dec 28th I was in Stephen City, VA. The Wal-Mart. I was walking into a store.. And I got sick! Threw up into a storm drain.. I just had a sip of coffee. I love coffee. I didn’t think anything of it. Then I realized… I had been sick feeling for a couple of weeks.. The last time I saw you was two and a half weeks prior.. I had my period the beginning of that month. I ran to pharmacy and grabbed a test. I kept saying.. I couldn’t be. I don’t need this. I’m so scared. I panicked. I paid for it Then ran to the bathroom. It was faint, but it was positive. Have you ever stopped one day and truly watched one of those ‘Clearblue’ commercials? How the women that had that positive outcome.. Were happy and in tears and the other half was smiling? Then you look at me.. At mine.. Sheer fear. I went and got two more.. Kept one for the following morning. They all came back positive. I remember just sitting there.. Not happy.. Definitely cry.. But they weren’t tears of joy. I stopped drinking and smoking. I made sure that if this was going to be a full term baby.. That I will be as healthy as I can be. I remember having to tell you over the phone that I was pregnant. That I am keeping it and regardless of how you felt.. I wanted to just not go through this empty feeling again. It’s not something that’s unfamiliar, but I’d be damned to feel it. I tried so hard to keep myself safe. I just remember going to see you some time on the 31st.. And you asking me to be your girlfriend.. I thought you were joking. *rolls eyes* I truly wish you were looking back. It was the 31st. New Year’s Eve.. I came by to talk to you about things. To rationalize myself in doing this on my own.. And you said.. Yeah.. Be my girlfriend. *blink* ‘do you wanna be mine?’ I think were your words.. I remember saying.. Something like.. My son is my life and chris is his dad.. But it all stopped because you kissed me. That was it. Sealed everything with a kiss. We officially started dating. I was elated, to be honest. We went to his friend’s house and it was a party.. You introduced me to everyone as, “this is Alex, my girlfriend,” we acted like we were teenagers or something. Careless a bit, too. It was all in fun. I remember when midnight came.. We welcomed the new year together as a couple. With an itty bitty on the way.. Little did I know.. We wouldn’t make it a whole year.. This is my letter to you. You may not even read it. Maybe you will? I really don’t know nor care enough to dwell. I wrote this thinking I would get closure. I still haven’t gotten any. I still have those stale tears on my tank top from when I started this 'letter.’ You taught me that… Even if I did everything right in a relationship. Even with a few fuck ups on the way.. That anyone could leave me. I gave you my heart. Literally, placed it into your hands. And you held it. Crushed it.. Spit on it.. Then decided that when you were all done you could just slowly piece it back together. Possibly with apologies? Or meaningless kisses on my cheeks.. Heartless whispers into my ears. Knowing that I still loved you. Because loving you was a huge feat for me.. I never cared about your past. I worried about our future. Our child and my older son. I wanted to conquer the world with you. Side by side. Like evil villains. We were this fucked up couple that totally got each other, but no one got us. We did stupid things together, and if we were separate.. We could read each other’s minds. It was so liberating I hadn’t had anyone like that in my life.. Ever. No one. I thought that being this duo… This couple.. We could take on the world. Together. Forever. We would sit and look at things and just know what to say.. What you would say.. Or I actually wanted to learn DDR. And to this day I want to. You promised you’d teach me.. I hope you stick around. Mainly for your son. I want you there for me, but that’s just my hope that you would come back. Begging to stay the night with me. To move back 'home’ and to sleep next to you every night… I would be so happy. Happy. I can’t believe you did this to me.. I was whole without you.. I was a complete person before you. And I fell into these.. Sharp jagged pieces of myself! I don’t hate you. I don’t! But I can’t fully trust anyone with my heart. It’s been six months and you have yet to even say something about our relationship, because… It’s who you are! Because I know that stupid conversation by heart. Because we couldn’t be adults about it.. It had to be petty. I think I cried more over you than most know. I’m pretty sure my best friend thinks that I’m hopeless! Yeah, so what? Maybe I am! Maybe.. I’m stupid and told myself that on a day like today he’ll come around and say, 'I’m sorry,’ but 'sorry’ won’t be enough by then.. I really want to be happy. Having a family was my happiness. My goals in life were to have a family whether it be broken or whole.. I just didn’t want it to be without my sidekick. I’m still lost. I wake up in the morning hoping for a text… Or maybe a phone call..? I truly don’t know anymore. All I want right now is to forget this feeling. Because this feeling I have inside me… I wish it was dead. So I never have to feel it again. And I try to not have these feelings. I work rather hard on not feeling them.. I don’t even get it. I just want it to be gone. If I could stop loving you! But every single time I see you. Whether it is a picture.. Text.. Call.. These feelings come back. And in full force. Damn you.

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me-importa-mother-blog · 7 years

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it FINALLY fucking happened

i have a migraine and awful cramps from this stupid IUD rn but i have to get this out. i have to capture the authenticity of my feelings right now. it finally happened. i could cry happy tears because of how incredible and great i feel in this moment. brendon and darian are back together. i saw a pics of them on instagram w captions about how much they love each other and wanna know what i felt when i saw those pictures? fucking NOTHING. I FINALLY FEEL NOTHING. ok, i feel sad for them but thats honestly truly the only emotion that came up for me. i no longer feel the intense nausea, feeling like i am getting stabbed in the pit on my stomach, rush of emotions pouring over my entire body, ringing in my ears, dissosiation that i felt the first time i heard the words from his lips “i have a girlfriend now”. that feeling that didn’t seem to go away for MONTHS. that feeling that would resurface every time i looked at their social media and saw how fucking happy and perfect they were. it was fucking disgusting. i can finally say i don’t feel those feelings anymore and u know what that means?

i means i have healed. it means i have moved on. it means I have successfully mended the broken pieces of my heart that he left me with. i did that. with the help of some loving and supportive friends, yes. but it was me. i’m the one that chose to live all those times i wanted to die, and i chose to pretend to be happy to the point that my bones hurt to their core because i was faking it so hard. i chose to move back home to something familiar and stable so i could feel safe, so i could get away from the torment of his memory, from the fear of running into her, or him, or worse the both of them together.

at one point i felt that i gave everything i had built so hard for the past two years away. my life in california was ruined because of him. the reason i went out there in the first place to get clean back in april of 2014 was because he told me to. my body was deteriorating faster than i could keep track of and i mentioned, maybe i should move back to cali and get clean, and you should too and we can be together. and he told me to go out there so i fucking did. hes the reason, the motivation i had to get clean. everything i did from that point forward was for him or because of him or for us. so WE could live together happily for fucking forever.

originally we had a plan to go to rehab for a bit then run away together but at some point something switched in me. i think it was god working in my life honestly. but at some point i decided u know what i wanna give this thing a shot. i wanna see what its like to be clean and happy and all that these weird ppl in AA rave about. and then he went down there from fresno and he got clean and holy shit that was the most incredible summer of my life. i wish i had pictures but i deleted probably 98% of them. but i had so many good times w him, riding my bike to the beach while he rode his skateboard. holding hands, going to meetings together. i was so fucking proud to tell everyone he was my boyfriend. i was so goddamn fucking in love.

and now i’m crying, but not because i want to be with him. no, never. i’m crying because the happiness i felt was so pure and genuine and incredible and indescribable. i wouldnt change it for anything. if i could go back and relive those moments we shared that summer but i would have to relive the heartbreak again then i would probably do it. but i wouldnt change anything. i would relieve the good and the bad but i would want the result to be the same as what it is in this moment. hes with her and i’m with myself on my ellies bed in my parents house with rocky and luna sleeping at my feet. i don’t want to be with him anymore but i don’t regret what we had because it was true love and it was passionate and intense and a type of love i will never feel again. because it was extremely toxic. as intense as the good moments were so were the bad. and it got reeeeaaally bad.

he told me i deserved to be molested when i was 5. he told me this while we were in line for the screamin eagle at disneyland, because i was paying more attention to my phone than to him. he was upset and we got in an argument and thats what he said to me. that a fucking five year old deserved to get some creepy mother fuckers fingers in her asshole. real cute huh? but i’m not a saint. at some point i told him i’m glad his dad left him and that he probably did because he hated him cuz hes useless and that his mom is a slut cuz she has 4 baby daddies. i said some horrible things too that i’m not proud of but in those moments i felt so justified. as the anger wore off tho i felt guilty for saying those things, and so would he. so we would always make up. and thiings would be really good again until the next fight and shit would hit the fan. and then we started calling the cops on each other. he was never physically abusive to me, except one time he pinned me down like a pretzel cuz i was beating the living shit out of him. the position he had me in hurt a lot but he was protecting himself cuz i had lost it. i dont remember what that particular fight was about. the weather maybe? idk dude we would fight over the DUMBEST shit.

i remember thinking and telling him, “if you act like a bitch u get treated like one”. which means youre a fucking dick to me so i’m a dick right back mother fucker. i ran him over w my car once. he smashed my phone to pieces cuz i searched a guy on facebook. he would go through my phone and find texts from months ago where i said a guy was hot and he would flip out call me a whore tell me nobody is ever gonna love me, and go spread my legs somewhere. he would accuse me of fucking literally EVERYONE. if i was off work 5 minutes late its because i was fucking my manager in the back. if i wasnt texting him back while i was w jenny or kolby its cuz i was fucking them. oh he hated all my friends also. and had no friends of his own. i was his whole world which really bugged me at the time but i lowkey miss that now. i miss feeling that important and special and loved. and i miss having that much power over someone, i’ll admit it.

but despite all this bad shit there were good times, and they were really fucking good. specifically its the feelings. i felt safe with him. like nothing could ever hurt me or touch me, besides him. but i was addicted to the chaos so i didn’t mind the verbal and emotional abuse and i dished it right back. although lets be real here according to my sponsor, therapist, mentor, friends, anyone w a brain. he was definately the sicker one out of the two of us. we were both so fucking sick but i was a wee bit healthier i would say. there were so many times we would ride around costa mesa on harbor blvd at midnight complaining about how much it sucked to not have a car, or money, or anything. we had NOTHING. he really had nothing when he got there besides like 3 shirts and old pair of vans 2 sizes too small and shorts. i created him. everything he got from that point forward was from me. all of it. and there were weeks at a time where he had no money and he ate because i bought him food. not that he owes me anything or that he ever did, i did those things because i wanted to because i was in love and he was gonna be my life partner. everything i ever wanted i wanted with him or nobody else. anyway, we would be riding through the kmart parking lot on harbor and wilson, he would be coming w me to drop me off at fordham and we would complain about how much it fucking sucked but “one day we would look back on all of this and laugh.” because “one day were gonna make it” we said. we had so many hopes and dreams together. he was supposed to be my fucking husband. i was going to be the mother of all of his children.

but you know what? it was all a fucking fantasy. a beautiful fantasy but a fantasy nonetheless. and after spending summer 2015 apart because he decided drugs were more important than me, we got back together in september and shit didnt get much better. it was a bit at times but mostly no. same shit. really intense good times. really intense bad times. passionate love, passionate hate. a couple days before new years 2015 going into 2016 we broke up for the last time. this is when he broke my phone cuz i searched jacob berry on fbook. after that i was done. i had been done thousands of times before but i was really done this time. we didn’t talk at all for like a week then i saw him on his birthday january 7th and we decided we were gonna get back together in august when he had a year sober. we werent gonna talk in the meantime but we were for sure getting back together. then one day i added a guy, kyle on facebook and he lost it. again with being called a slut and blah blah blah. and this time we were really done. like FORREAL. i was moving on everything was great blah blah. i dont think i actually thought i had lost him tho. it was gonna be like every other time where we will get back together again. so i wasnt really that sad. i think i was thriving off the anger i felt towards him. like are u seriously gonna be done w me over adding a dude???? how stupid.

and then one day in late february my world came crashing down in the middle of the target electronics section. hannah texted or called me i cant remember but said she needed to tell me something. i demanded to know immedietally and she hesitated, i knew it was bad. she told me darian and brendon were talking. darian, my former client darian. darian, the girl who I TOLD STORIES ABOUT BRENDON TO WHEN SHE WAS STRUGGLING W HER EX IN HOPES THAT I COULD OFFER HER SOME EXPERIENCE STRENGTH AND HOPE. i was vulnerable w her about him. i was trying to be helpful, i shared stuff w her i dont share w everyone but since her sitution at the time was similar to my realtionship w brendon i opened up to her. how fucking dare she. that fucking stupid bitch. how dare HE. knowing she was my client. i even had considered her a friend up until this point. i had considered moving in with her for christsakes wtf. and that the first time i felt that feeling. that awful awful feeling i no longer felt tonight. and then i felt it again a month later when he told me they were officially together. and again when i learned she met his family. (oh yeah thats another reason i think i stayed as long as i did because i adore his family. )

a bunch of other shit happened in between. him and i started talking again in march briefly when he basically cheated on her w me, then he came back in my life just this past december only to leave again like the coward that he is. but i’m grateful that happened because before i had always wondered what i had done to make him basically leave me for her, or so i felt. because he DID choose her over me. he chose to start a new relationship over mending the one that we had that was supposed to be forever. and i lost my shit. was literally destroyed shell of a human for months. extremely emotionally and mentally unstable. lost a bunch of friends cuz they couldnt handle me. got kicked out of school, lost a scholarship, almost lost a job, attempted suicide, went to the psych ward. it was really really rough for a long time. but today all of that has changed. i no longer feel that deeprooted sadness, devastation, horrid unbearable pain. today i have healed. i feel very sad for the both of them because i know how unstable their relationship is. cuz i was there. i was her. and i HATED her for a long time but i dont anymore because i feel bad she is in love w him and is gonna get hurt and heartbroken like i did.

but i’m glad he came in my life again this past december because it cleared up a lot of unanswered thoughts i had. A. he still loves me and will always love me as i will him. B. he is thankful for me being in his life and will never forget me, and C. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG. i fought w every fiber of my being for us to be together and hes the one that threw it all away. hes the one that walked away. i promised him from the moment i knew i was in love w him that as long as we both loved each other we could fix anything. but he wasnt willing to try anymore so at least i know i gave it my all and its his loss cuz he was too weak to try to work together to make things right. or maybe we just werent meant to be. or maybe both.

irregardless, my arm is so mother fucking cramped i can barley type. and i have so much more i could say, i could go on forever. but the point is that the horrid feelings i once felt are no longer there anymore and i am truly 100000% happy today when i once thought i was going to die without him. so i am proof that healing from the most excrusiating heartbreak is possible and its possible to be happier when u lose ppl u cant imagine losing, and when u get a new life that u didnt even want

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somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years

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im honestly so much better than i thought i was.

like you have no idea whats going on when ur in the war. you dont know who youre shooting at, what the fuck is happening, who you are - you have no idea. and in this war you go through shit that is like unbearable in some ways and you do it and you dont know how and at the end of the day when its all over youre just left with this massive action that formed every thought you now have and you dont know what any of it really meant.

but like i have beat myself up for time for not being super amazing totally together. like i dont have a job. my work experience is small. my depression is heavy, heavy, heavy.

but what i needed to see was someone else who has felt this same loss. i needed a comparison to know that i wasnt as fucked up. even though i lived through all the shit i lived through, even though my mother was dead by the time i was 20, even though my dad died 5 years later - i’ve never been on such levels.

does that mean im heartless? i dont think so. clearly i am very bothered by these deaths and massive losses in my life. its something i think about everyday all day. but i have dealt with serious ptsd for like.. a decade.

and i never cracked.

and then on top of this i continued to take huge abuse after the intial trauma stopped about my trauma. and i never cracked.

no. listen.

i have no idea how i am here today. i have no idea how there is a man downstairs on heroin kicking the walls and thats not me. how is that not me. i have felt such pain. i have felt such sorrow. but never have i been such a person. literally my worst moments the deepest darkest moments last maybe 10 hours. not because im not prone or i dont feel it as strongly. i feel it so strongly. ive felt all the worst feelings. i feel like im 50 years old bro. its not even just like dead ppl. i saw toooooooooooooooooooooooo much. i know tooooooooooooooo much.

what is it inside of me that has kept me from making this worse for myself. I COULDVE HAD A BABY. do you know how easy it is to do THAT. its easier to make a baby than buy drugs, really. i couldve had like.. multiple babies. like i look at people and im like omg that couldve been me. and not even like.. oh im better than them its like omg if it wasnt for this like one fucking difference between me an them, i would be that. i would be them. i would have children and do meth an like ...

how in the helllllllll did i do this? this man within two months of a death is so distraught by his grief he cannot function as human towards other. yall i didnt even get drunk. i didnt have time to get drunk. i had real life responsibilities towards myself and other people. while living with a total piece of shit who put holes in my wall. okay. my father dies and im living alone now with a man who put holes in my fathers walls. i try to break up like a week before and i cant because my dad is still in the hospital and everything is so crazy because like we know this man is dieing.

have you ever watched a man die? have you ever WATCHED a man die? have you ever in your life watched a grown ass man choose to die in human excrement in diapers cant stand cant walk - have you ever in your life watched that?

my ex did. twice. and i had to have that man arrested and to this day i feel guilt about having to do that because he had to experience this trauma as well and he had to handle it however he was going to handle it and he couldnt handle it either.

i imagine its like the same when you watch someone die of cancer in some ways. like not the exact because theres no choice with cancer. but i guess the question why remains. why did cancer have to befall you. why does cancer exist. why does cancer have to kill you.

depression killed both of my parents and both of my parents lived with it for AT LEAST 40 years (my father probably longer).both of my parents chose not to do hard drugs. my dad was a very light alcoholic if you could call him one at all - he drank sincerely recreationally but it became a crutch to deal with everything else.

and i even get having the most important person you knew die. and do you understand that i know this so well that i even understand that right now you think that no one else “gets” how important this person was to you. how mighty an great they were because when a very important and beloved person to you dies there is so little room for the negative even though it can rear its head.

my parents shaped everything i am to this day. they are dead and i absolutely live in the exact EXACt same lifestyle i lived in when they were alive. i changed absolutely nothing about myself in my grief. it has only been literally this year where i have been like okay. its time. and with my mother ... i dint. i i kept a giant GIANT wooden piece of shit box for these people as a symbol of respect when sometimes i really hate them sooo much and i am soooooo angry with them.

sometimes i forget that im about to be 30 because i feel 15. i feel like when i woke up at 15 except now i am living my nightmares. everyday. and i still wake up everyday, i still try and instead of going batshit insane i took the time to truly explore how i felt about these people and the things that happened to me. instead of just crying about it and being sad and oh no hes dead it was like i knew there was a solution. and i think in some ways its true about my inplanted addiction to instant gratification. an i say this because i did it to myself by using the internet and other things (weed) to instantly satisfy boredom and anger an sadness. what i wanted at the time was to instantly solve how i felt. both times. and not like just make it go away but to “overcome” grief. like i would be enlightened by the grief and oh you know - my mother, shes found her peace now. my father, no longer suffering. its all supposed to happen its all alright.

and i guess i also in this moment dont want to lie to myself - at 19 i was really unenlightened. at 19 i think i acted ... u know, im having a moment. and its not lke a deep one but i think for like.. maybe 8 years or so i kind of disregarded my ex’s feelings at the time. everything i felt overshadowed it and i kind of gloss over how i cheated on him but “didnt cheat” because i “broke up with him before i di anything” even though i 100% cheated on him. like i spoke the words of breaking up to him before i physically involved myself but it was like a plan between me and this fucking dude sooooooooo its really low and this is like so much shame in my life. i hold so much shame an regret over my actions that i just quickly tell this part of the story of my ex but its pretty bad. and then questionably bad things happened afterwards due to both of our immaturity and insecurities. my life was fucked before she died but i cannot fully say i never hurt someone. i cant say that. thats such a lie to myself. in my grief i did in fact hurt someone else. i disregarded another person and like its soooooooooooooooo hard for me to give any leverage to my mother. like she never made me feel or do anything fuck her. but my main abuser in life died. a person i saw like.. everyday of my life until i was 16. she was soooo important to everything i am today and to be really fair - i’m probably still fucked up because i absolutely refuse to deal with what she did. like i dont want to relive it any more than i already do even though you have to through it to overcome it.

i smoke weed uner the influence of my father and i think i smoke weed for the same reason he drank - my mother is the reason i smoke weed. for the most part. like im really haunted by my father sometimes but i became so accustomed to this weird life with him that i mostly have like a culture shock where i realize other people didnt do this and then i get over it. sometimes i think about what he looked like when he slept and how it looked like he was dead. sometimes i picture the foot rotting off his body. recently ive pictured the blackheads on his back. they were really bad but not in like im traumatized way - my mother picked at his blackheads and i started doing it an its just a weird gross probably semi normal thing so like even though i have these images sometimes of my fathers illness what i am most haunted by is the words my mother put into my brain. i was brainwashed. i feel brainwashed. and sometimes i repeat scenarios she did. sometimes i do things she did and not like a nostalgic oh i have my mothers traits but like sometimes i lie. sometimes i tell lies. sometimes i have told lies to be able to get someones attention or pity. like not often at all. not even a handful of times in my life have i done this. very spread out. its not common. and its so shameful but i saw my mother do it and she did it pretty well and people would feel sorry for her and give her attention and it wasnt good or deserved in anyway but it worked.

sometimes. sometimes i have exaggerated illnesses. sometimes i have downplayed symptoms i am having. and i do this i think because i was trained to do this. my mother told me i was sick, she told me the symptoms and it was all repeated from there. i have been extremely lucky to have like no major medical issues since i was a child. i have never had to deal with anything happening because im actually pretty physically healthy outside of the toll depression takes on my body. i coud of course quit smoking but i dont have lung issues. i was told i had asthma for 13 years. we had to move. we had to fucking move bro because i had “asthma” and i had to take the inhalers and of course man of course it wasnt ust inhalers it was the fucking plastic tube that somehow made it better you held between the inahler and your mouth.

to bare it all - i dont even know if im allergic to pine. my mother said i was allergic to pine so no more real christmas trees but what if this bitch was doing it to me. ive never had like extensive exposure to these trees since then. who the fuck knows.

why is it - okay. when i go to the hospital they ask me allergies and i repeat verbatim the same thing my mother said to every doctor i ever met, “sulpha, pencillion, amoxicillin and codiene”

tell me why as a child i frequently had penicillin and at no point in my memory was there like some reaction upon taking this. and everyone remembers it. we all know the banana flavoured medience. and i remember taking it so many times an then suddenly i didnt and suddenly it was apart of this list and like maybe i developed an allergy but what if she just decided? how did she find out i was allergic to these other things? i am REPEATING A MANTRA by a woman who nearly killed me using prescription drugs.

i make alot of excuses. im probably lazy more than depressed because if i was sooo scared i could get tested for my allergies and know for myself.

do you know how upsetting my birth certificate was? and it wasnt even my mothers fault, it was more my fathers fault. but all these little dumb things and its not like ths is crazy never heard of its small things that other people experience too but they hold so much weight like can someone tell me why my mother stopped spelling her name right? like shortly after my birth she no longer spelt it theresa and spelled it teresa. and i had such a moment at her funeral when i saw her name spelled right and asked why it was wrong. that she had spelled it without an h. her parents were like .. confused and appalled that i suggested she had done this an like of course her name was with an h. and fair enough guys. you are the people who named her. which means it was in my lifetime that it changed. and on legal documents even though she maintained her first real name (mary) she spelled it teresa. but these old documents and the way my father spelled it was theresa. whats in an H? like maybe im crazy right. maybe im just making a big deal out of something small but usually when something lke this occurs its because ssomeone else made the mistake and usually youre a foreigner. like someone wrote your name on an official document wrong and now thats just it. but this woman .. she went to private school like she had to have had official document before 1990. this woman made a concious choice to drop the H in her name. why? was it a choice? did she just like slip up one time and went with it for 19 years after? like did she fuck it up so majorly in some public way that she had to convince other people this is how she spelled her name.

and like its been a really long time. and i dont have a lot of these documents anymore. to be fair, i have like 7 remaining objects of my mothers. i dont even know if i have documents with her writing outside of a wedding guest book from 1980. so sometimes - sometimes she wins. sometimes i think that maybe im wrong. maybe i just think she stopped doing it but like why would i notice this? why would i think about it so much?

sometimes i try to think really hard about her but i did such a job at blocking her out and smoking away these memories i literally cant remember more than like 10 - 20 memories of her. i spent half of my life with her. closely. and like.. i remember when i was in like grade 3 - 5 because i was walking to a certain school and i remember this is like.. no you know what. i have atleast 5 seperate memories of this and thsi in itself says something - faking sick. i faked sick religiously. and like i knew this bitch would buy it because at this point im a clever angry bitter child with no true subconcious yet. im like i know my mother will buy into sickness - thats who she is- and i wont have to go to school.

so i start the day before at bed. im coughing. im coughing really hard because of my asthma right but im not sick at all im good but im forcing these dog coughs at 2am and she wakes up and its like oh well i guess youre sick and im doing this so often i have a memory of her frustration like she almost almost knew but this was her job and now im playing games. and its like man you trained me to do this but your power was taken and now im using your training against you and all you really wanted was a sick kid. so im giving you all you wanted and none of it is real. and like im aware of this complexity at this point. even really early my father is now pissed at her and they dont trust each other. and theyre fighting about me and shes saying look at this and hes saying this is what you did. this was what my mother did to me. he knew that like i was turning cold because she was cold towards me and he knew it and he was telling her youre doing this to her stop doing this to her and she didnt so it just kept going.

in grade 10 i faked a heart problem. i freely admit this because i feel like its “okay” because it coincides with dropping out of school. but now im desperate. like im so desperate in this depression and my first year was her trying to kill herself and getting kicked out of the house and im like omg i cant do this anymore im not going to school something is going to give even though school is a relief from home, i was starting to have all these expectations at school academically and socially and i couldnt keep up and something had to give and i couldnt get rid of my parents so i was done.

my father wanted me to “get a job” but it was like... you know. someday youre going to have to get a job. and in my own volition, once my mother had left for a year, i got a job. i was semi comfortable. on my first day of this important job my father became gravelly ill and spent like .. a month in the hospital. and im still going to work. im like 17 years old, everything has gone to shit and im still going to work. and im on the bus everyday crying to my friend that its all so fucking awful and i just want to like party and get high.

so i started. and i spent all of my earnings on partying and getting high on mdma and k and weed. in one summer. it was like 3 grand or something which is alot of money for me in any time of my life thus far. thats the only time i ever earned a significant amount of money.

but then i stopped. because within me i knew especially the hard drugs were beginning to do their damage to my body and i was drinking too much and i did carry it on for like a year before my ex put his foot down and i decided i didnt want to be a person in a relationship on drugs like that. we smoked weed and it was fine.

and like on paper seperately - bratty attitude filled choices. i lied and faked an illness to get out of school, partied while my father was ill. and like i knew this. and in my early 20s i frequently reflected on these choices and actively knew i had to choose other things. was it fun? yes. was i with close loving friends? yes. was i safe? yes. was it the right thing to do? no. and i feel like if i dint make that choice back then i couldve set myself on a better path. but i gave up. i gave up and i give in for this moment and i never fully recovered, i just choose to smoke a shit ton of weed instead. i couldve learned real coping skills but i chose not to and now im almost 30 and i suck, utterly suck, at life. but it could be worse and i could be him.

we finally spoke - no he answered the call and spoke whatever he wanted to to me still. that he couldnt deal with this and blah blah but its funny i guess as i told a friend i had said my last word were that i was not going to speak to him again. she said he mustve replied because that usually gets him. and its sad i have to resort to feeling like im not going to speak to him again to get any response. and im not being crazy and needy or whatever like you signed up to take care of someone who has major trauma surrounding this issue and you knew this. like in june im crying about how this was my parents fault. i have a whole process i have to go through over the course of my life because like i cant decide randomly one day to face this fear and anxiety. this type of issue has to come up as it will and it may not be a good time for me or anyone else but i now have to face and overcome this issue that is not just a medical problem but DIRECTLY related to my parents neglect. like every time a doctor asks how this happened how many times why has this happened this way i have to explain just the bare bones of how my parents how TWO GROWN PEOPLE thought this was okay TOGETHER and let it go. leaking blood and pus. this is like ... what this cyst has caused me in emotion and mental damage is sooo much morre than the cyst itself. the cyst is simple. knowing the neglect of it caused it to come to such a point that it has to be surgically deal with is painful. how did they fuck this up for me? and its like i couldnt just get surgery at 18. at 18 i didnt have a flare up. i have to wait for the flare up to deal and im like just dealing with it as it comes you know because its normal and i guess every few years i have to get this thing lanced thas just who i am now? i guess? but could be worse. could be wayyyy worse. like it coul be on my face, first of all. it could be like in my labia and i would have ppl touching my labia and doing things. it cou be on my actual butthole. it could reoccur every week. every month.

eventually i got a few moments to speak a full thought and i told him it was extremely important to me to have someone capable of dealing with the worst of my anxieties and traumas before during and after this incredibly important moment i am about to face and optimistically overcome. i just know i will be very not okay about it. i know this, i did this by myself its not even like im playing it up for others like im by myself in public sobbing soo hard they cannot take proper vitals. thats how much this is for me. i will not have someone be neglectful or judgemental or take away my right to feel the way i have to feel in order to break through this. like im not taking away anything from anyone else, i’m just laying out what is require and if you can do that, then fine, but if you cant then no im not going through with this.

he made a weak argument and i explained that the last time i had to deal with major medical hospital things was my mother. so i am not okay with this and i am freaking out and this instability hes displaying completely on his own makes me question what im doing. and he continued to rattle off these excuses and started into “you want to talk about traumas, what about ...” and i just turned the phone away and waited until he was finished because you cannot tell me that im not allowed to feel any sort of ways about anything or talk about my mental illness or the things ive gone through and immediately launch into your own. there is give and take and youve already taken everything im willing to give now. he says i have to give him a straight answer because he needs stability and to figure out what hes going to do.

.......

to live with this, i have every right to feel depressed and uncomfortable and unhappy.

i need to begin the process of mentally letting him go. i want to feel free to talk to random people and open myself up to random people and experiences and i dont want to even think about anything with him. like honestly, there is no future with him or associated with him. he cant fix some of these things, its not going to happen. and im going to allow him and give him opportunities in the future to still be shitty to me. and future me needs to understand that this is just proof for why i have to let it go.

and like im frustrated - in my perfect world ive abandoned this dream because ive found something better an more fulfilling to me. its so hard to abandon something without anything else. and like i get really aggravated when im in my i dont know what the fuck to do moments. and eventually i find something - anything - and i really try to put myself into it. like that becomes my new job because im trying out all these roles in life and maybe this one leads to something. like i enjoyed jewelry, a lot. but ike i wanted something bigger and grander and to be apart of something and like i guess build on the jewelry. like i went from collecting bones in a forest by myself to showing in an art gallery and going to receptions and making new friends - i like the beginning of my art career story. its glamorous and hopeful.

and then i thought like i could be more than an artist. i could have a gallery or a studio, i could curate shows, do events - i could contribute to the arts and culture in the city and possibly resolve or find resolution for some of these issues. and i learned like.. a lot about art. i basically forced a semester of art history and basic art techniques down my throat and practiced daily. i wanted to feel knowledgable and professional and like prepared to take on the 1%

and i just lost that. like i built that for myself, by the way. thats not off the back of a man or relationship. amongst all my shit, i created a very minor artistic career. and i was / am well respected for my dedication and quality and like ... i really received a lot of praise. i got very little known hatred towards me. my shit was good enough it sort of overtook an ex friends venture an made her jealous. i was the first person in the city hands down to create a website dedicated to arts in the city. like maybe in 10 years there will be 50 more but i was the first. i was the one who knew how to do it. i left just a tiny make with my minor career. that i built. by myself. in the 5 years before and after my dads death.

but its not that like i dont “want” to do that anymore. i think i do? but the city is not about it. the numbers to bring people out are small. the money is non existant. the quality of talent is not great. i think if i had entered a more viable scene i couldve graduated from what i was doing but as it stands its just not going to happen. and making money from art is really hard and no one respects a person who just paints unless theyre like the most amazing artist and i guess really i have nothing i want to say anymore. ive tried to express alot of things through art and things are left unfinished. im just ... not an artist like that.

but im not even like mad at myself for it - 20s are your time to find yourself. im not an artist. and maybe i wont be a wildwoman land developer either. i know that if i could decide on something, if i could find something i actually cared about that i could achieve it. it would literally me be just saying 100% doing this and it being done soon after. no games. no waiting around. if i really wanted it i would invest everything i have into it. i know that.

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somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years

Text

so i really think i am done now.

like im weirdly overwhelmingly speechless but yet have so many thoughts and feelings but none of them of extreme anxiety.

he tells me he went to drop in group therapy today and that hes going to go to rehab after he takes care of me for a month and maybe he’ll be better for spring.

i’m like .........................................

oh. o.ka..y. i just spent weeks - literally weeks - being dragged along by him with phone calls and questions and requests and he saw me invest my energy and time and that i was becoming like excited for this prospect. yesterday i was being told i would make him homecooked meals and take care of his dog. like i was fed everything and boom “maybe, i don’t know, we’ll see”.

and i didnt know how to react because on one hand im like okay cool good job trying something new i hope this gives u something ur looking for and helps the situation. on the other im like wow you literally have zero care about me and even if youre sick and thats the excuse behind this back and forth - you dont care about me. is it the sickness that makes you not care or you yourself? and am i sticking around to find out on the hopes that rehab makes this better? like your complete constant inability to give any respect to another person. its not like im thinking he has to go through with the original plans or else but its like not one time did he mention hey thanks for working on this i appreciate that youre doing this with me and you put time into it and i really want to be on my top game and i know this kind of puts a bump in the road but im hoping that itll be worthwhile at the end of it because we’re on the right track but i am not.

it was just im doing this and this. cool.

u know he cant consider other ppl right he has to only consider himself and how to make himself better while completely neglecting the massive damage he is currently doing around him but its okay because hes going to rehab and if i believe in this opportunity i wont be bothered by a bump in the road.

yes i absolutely think my life story should be tramping across canada i guess by myself now to be with a guy fresh out of rehab. so fuck me right. and im just like.. sooooooooooo.... many emotions. im angry and bitter and sad and heartbroken and i dont know what to be. i dont know whats the “right” path for ME to take. because fuck anyone else fuck it all - whats the right path for me. do i want to be angry? do i want to cry?

except i already knew how this went because i did it before the summer about this fucking trip so its like u must think im literally retarded. if i complained at all in anyway i was an asshole for not supporting his want to go to rehab. i didnt want him to get better. and there was no way to explain that he was just completely neglecting the damage he caused and was causing at this very moment regardless of his positive decision because nothing about making the ecision to go to rehab is that positive. its only positive because youre “getting better” otherwise youre going because you suck right now. thats not a positive decision. it is AFTER fucking rehab. but im not even on this level with him you know. im not saying any of this. i just know that if i say even one single thing about it, im an asshole even though its presented to me by an asshole.

so i told him that i wanted to go and be sad and i talked to him later. he asked me why i was sad and really pressed on the issue and i told him it dint matter and i would prefer to just go but again he pressed and i felt anxious like either i flat out accepted what happened right now and just live my life in whatever new way i was required to in his shadow or tell him that i felt uncomfortable and sad and that he was just going to come for a month and go away again and that didnt make me feel good.

and thus - well he was doing this positive thing and he wanted to feel better and not feel like he wanted to die everyday and you know i had this opportunity where i was too and i had problems i wasnt working on and it doesnt make him feel goo to have to deal with the stress of me being upset about his decision.

and i was just so frustrated. like after two fucking years you still do not get it at all. like omg i could quit smoking everything tomorrow and still feel like absolute garbage and want to di ei could have a great job an still feel like garbage and want to ie because my BIGGEST MOST OVERWHELMING FEELING I HAVE NEVER NOT SHAKEN IN MY DAILY FUCKING BEING is loneliness. and its not like im forcing him to mae me not lonely. but when you offer this stupid dream world where im not going to be lonely, when you put on a mask to parade around and “care for me” after surgery but disappear promptly after its like do you not understand its literally more painful for me in my life to live with loneliness than anything this cyst does to me. anything. i could live with it for a year and it would be less worse than the all consuming depression of loneliness. and by feeling so lonely ive struggled with finding a purpose. and like i have friend(s). i have one very good friend ive had for two years that i really really connect with and really really respect and weve fought but its totally okay and when i feel really alone i honestly think of her maybe first and foremost because i genuinely feel loved by this person. i really really think they would do the most for me and in return i try to do the very most for them. and weve supported major life crisis with each other. we’ve really emapthized and like wanted nothing but the best for each other and like cried with each other and this person is truly an example of why it might be worth giving people more chances.

but i experience such an isolating loneliness and my personal battle because life has decided i will and have experienced this is that i need to embrace being alone because of all the people who have hurt me. i am not prepared in any form to vouch for someone being okay. ive made so many excuses for shitty people and shitty behavior that deeply reflects and scarred my soul so fucking bad. im soooo tired of making excuses for shitty people. im really tired.

i try to bring up that he had fed me all this crap and he bounced between saying “i knew it wasnt true” that he was “pretending to be normal” and that he was still buying the land and he didnt understand why this was such a problem for me because “nothing changed” and finally that he was “sorry” and kept asking me what i wanted or what i wanted him to say and its so disgusting to put the victim in a position where they have to teach you what it is you did wrong when its so fucking obvious that you lied.

and so i thought about it briefly after hanging up and once again - dont get surgery. i was so uncomfortable now. i was like downtrodden and disrespected and nothing of what he said gave me confidence in fucking anything so i had a choice of pretending like it was all totally okay and watching him leave at the end or being upset about it and getting the bare minimum care from someone who kept filling my head with ideas that were never going to actually happen. so now im like vulnerable and have to experience this person no matter what and like i dont even want to talk to him now. im so shocked. lke the full weight of what he just did has not even set in fully but i know that its so fucking heavy it just changed my soul and like the minions are working overtime to figure out how to put this shit back together because i cannot even believe the level of how he trie to sell me on this shit and have zero fucking compassion towards the idea that he once again had to take a new path alone and “couldnt consider me anymore” but “nothing had changed”. dont be upset.

hes going to rehab.

and like im sorry i dont really believe in the recovery of this person other than the symbolic “i went to rehab” because he smokes weed. he refuses - flat out fucking refuses to see what actual fucing hurt he caused people and hes the only person who can work on these things and in no fucking way what so ever do i believe weed has any part of what hes doing. i really dont. if i can be proven wrong in the end ill take it back in respect but fuck him anyways because if a heroin addict shot me in the leg he still shot me in the fucking leg. forgive but im not forgetting.

like the shit he has made me do and go through is abysmal and hes never ever going to admit to anyone that he did these things to me so at no point is anyone going to turn to him and say uhm u did fucking what. so wheres my bonus in all of this when / if it all comes back in the spring and hes ready to go because omg guys he went to rehab and now hes enlightened and sober and better than all of us and still the giant piece of shit to me hes always been. and now more so because i still smoke weed and god u know im a real drug addict.

i told him i was uncomfortable with getting surgery knowing i would essentially be stuck with him for this time and right now i was just really uncomfortable and upset. he said that was fine but he was offering to “fulfill his obligation” of caring for me and he still loved me and if i only wanted him to come make meals and change my banages an leave then he would.

and its like man no. at this moment right now. right fucking now i am full realization that this is super abusive even if youre sick. even if youre sick. because i know this. i did this. and i did this very similarly u know like this woman loved me. she loved me and she cared for me but lke there was alot of things i id wrong like i was lazy and ungrateful and spoiled and a bitch but she cared for me and especially - ESPECIALLY if i was “sick” she really “cared for me” and that cleared her record. everytime i was sick - well u know she did this and this for u. but like she was killing me EVERY OTHER FUCKING DAY and all of this - al of this my whole life with this crazy woman was because she was sick. she was sick and this happened. and he was sick and this happened but like no matter the sickness this fucing HAPPENED. you damaged another persons soul like omg do u think u can get away with punching one of ur kids and going to mental ward one time and never ever have it brought up again no u damaged that kid and ur whole fucking family forever cuz ur sick.

so ur saying before you go to rehab you will come back and care for the person that you have to “have no concern over” thereafter and that person can have literally no fucking emotion like youre a fucking home care nurse they never met before. like omg. are you for real. am i dead? why am i crazy because i think this is uncomfortable, stressful and awkward for the legitimately physically ill person.

he says i can decide what i want, its my body but hes still offering to care for me and he doesnt want to play games because he was fine to take care of me and get surgery before he brought this up and i had already done this before and its like man why are you gaslighting me making me thinking my feelings about this are a manipulation tactic against you when its a legitimate fucking concern for my own well being and why is it insinuatingly so offensive that i switch to concern primarily for myelf when someone says theyre also doing the same thing. thats what makes you the most sick. and no one will ever reall see this. and its like when i realized i would never get anything back from my sick father and 10 years of caring for him and its just like damn. no one - no one will ever fully know what you did and thats how you actually won in all of this. even if i go out there and i say well he did this and this you already diminished my reputation of being like a logical level headed person in relationships and now i look fucing insane especially the embarassment of sticking around.

like i cant even explain all the ways it oesnt feel right to get this surgery. ive had nightmares of dieing and its a nothing surgery. like maybe the anasthetics kill me or something. i have a surprise heart attack from my years of smoking. and if that doesnt happen then im here with him and like i dont even want ot look up what the surgery is because im 50% still in hope that like ill jump right up and be cool and like have no problem taking care of myself and i overestimated how much care iw ould need and its all good. best case scenario. then 50% im like okay if the cyst is as bad as it was and theyre cutting out a whole chunk of flesh and stitching it my likely best case scenario is moderate swelling and pain, moderate body movement and anxiety over a fucking wound thats so deep and like ive never had such a deep wound before and in this area i cant even bend with a cyst and its stitched what if i bent and it ripped like fair enough i could ask many of these questions of my personal anxieties with a doctor. and maybe what really happens is a bit of both and i struggle with feeding and bathing myself and my biggest concern is the set of stairs to the apartment and living in disgusting filthy room.

so now im dealing with maybe a home care nurse level of care. im made some food. my bandage is changed and im left to fend for everything else even though there could be some limited mobility and stairs and just like.. not really being able to do anything strenuous and i imagine not alot of sitting and like this all sucks and now im watching the person i looked forward to the most feed me the bare minmum and leave. or he stays and is of more help and i fall into the same bullshit again. maybe he feeds me over and over these romantic bullshit lines like once i get out of rehab wel do this and this and blah blah blah because hes still fucking sick and theres no controlling what he will actually do so what he demonstrated is that hes unstable an i have no been freshly duped by him and i dont feel mentally strong enough to take the rollercoaster with him in any way shape or form.

as he was repeating some shit about needing to respect him getting care for himself, my phone died and i took a deep breath and put it dow and was kind of thankful that the fates of technology decided this for me because i was really really super done. i know hes serious about going and i know hes serious about having no concern for me because hes already done all of these things so everythhing that happens is tainted to yeah hes right - “i knew all along” that he was a lieing piece of shit and i was wasting my time.

and it bothers me that like on paper im like real shit luck in life, been through so much, have very little in posessions, no family and this person was like oh hey we’ll go do this and this and frolic through the land and its like do you even comprehend the weight of what you just did to this person. and to turn around and say make a way for yourself like im piggybacking off of you? omg.

theres like a top 5 worst people ive ever personally known. my mother almost always tops the list for pure longevity. i have an ex friend who turned so vicious it like fucked us both up in the long run and im bitter about it. my most recent friend would maybe me number 5, maybe in running with my alcoholic friend because besides being nice theyre terrible people. but in this list, possibly #2 has to be him. he is worse than my ex because my ex’s “sickness” was being dumb as fuck and hes like.. hes just dumb. hes not terrible hes just really dumb and like not a good person to be around and even though i got him arrested im not ure he would be top 5. he was just so dumb that im not like traumatize by him im just like man thats on me. thats rly rly on me. but this guy --- im not so fucking retared im just running back to a piece of shit to be shit on with zero fucking bonus to my life. this person has to actively participate in making me want to come back by actions and words. im not stuck with him at all. no money ties. i dont live with him. why woud i go back unless he was gving me something i wanted?

but he was never going to give me anything i truly wanted. and its my fault for sticking around. he told me all of this so i shouldve known even though “we’re going to have a sugar shack, we’re going to have a dog” - and just this mention of the word “we” was soooooooooooo fucking nice to me you have no idea. this really like.. stuck in my head and made me feel a tiny comfort like wow theres a we. i’m not just an i. i’m finally a we.

does he care? no he doesnt fucking care. hes sick. hes going to rehab.

the bestthing he could do is leave me alone. thats truly the very best option. my trust is broken. like nothing he says to me from this point on is believable or true or leads to anything substantial. i should put no weight at all on anything he says which makes any conversation with him totally useless. because even if our convo is political i dont believe thats what he believes anymore. maybe tomorrow he believes something else.

and if you love me. if you actually fucking love me you dont “love me to death”. thats not it. true love of me is an actual understanding of who i am and what ive been through, to really deeply respect where ive come from just lke i have to respect everyones living family my story should be equally respected and taken seriously and not toyed with. thats showing me a true love and if you cannot do this you need to step away and honestly man. its not like a step away for awhile and we’ll see like people are like wow ur so black and white but why am i fucking with a future you when both present and past blew it? there is no evidence to even back up future you and by the time future you outweighs all of this karmically, who the fuck cares that we ever knew each other its like some kid i sat beside in a classroom. like cool bro ur still alive wow nice. i never want to deal with him or anyting about him again. he made me carry so much of his weight he refuses to see it and i didnt need any of this in my life and i didnt ask for him to do any of this in my life. but i shouldve walked away sooooo long ago. i can reprimand myself fo this. but i also know im on my process and this is part of it. this is three years out. im not even homeless or fucked up im just like super sad about all of it.

he had this speech about how i had to get the surgery before because we had to be ready for spring. so he had intertwined this surgery with this proposed future and i had to do it to be prepared and show him im serious and now im like bro if i get one in 3 months who cares ill just go to the hospital again. this is an option. they never said i would die if i idnt get it. its just a like.. quality of life surgery. and my quality of life is shit anyways this surgery and these cysts mean nothing to me and having to go through all of this man.. at one point he had literally said “if you dont get surgery because of me then thats how itll have to be”

so you stepped on other people, you hurt other people and if they dont do a thing to better themselves because they have to deal with you “then so be it”? im going to ~rehab~.

i havent turned my phone back on for a few hours i guess and i really dont want to. he wont have done anything differnt, ill have gotten no messages but i dont know. i just.. i want to forget all of this. him, the surgery. just continue to hobbit for the month or something and “figure something out”.

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