#andbi cant think of where i was going with these tags

[kawaiianimeredhead]

So many things feel like they're hanging on ny the thinnest of threads and I am so exhausted by it

#work time is reflect upon life things time and it means #i end up feeling awful for approx 3 hours a morning #i really have never been an 'everything is awful and Will Stay awful' person #i absolutly believe in better happier futures and tomorrows at least on a personal level #idk about like globally or in the US we lookin kinda bad in those areas #but also i could not tell you what actually will get better #like yeah i think theres a time i wont feel depressed and mildly suicidal and will be happy #but i have no idea when that will actually happen or what is going to change #because i dont have enougg faith in anything to really use that as like motivation and or a targetting system if that makes sense #so im just like yeah sure itll get better hut its sucks right now and im miserable #andbi cant think of where i was going with these tags #dont mind me #im so so tired #every time my therapist talks about how good everythings been going and soundding i feel like im lying lmao #to a degree i guess im lying hy ommision but somethings judt dont come up #related to earlier tags i so genuinely cant see futures like once i got out of high school any kind of planning and thinking ahout future #stopped at like a month ahead #because too many things change and i know that so the idea of planning or dreaming or thinking ahout any kind of future #involving people in a personal or just passing by way just can not be imagine #it iust dead stops and it goes no where #there has been only abfew exceptions and even that gets really fuzzy when various things happen #like everything and everyone changes far too much for me to judt he like 'yeah one day its still gonna be all the same people and things' #and if anything this past year reenforces that and double down on that #like i cant even think to hard on my dog heing in my future or it makes me cry because i know she cant be because shes already almost 10 #life is fucking miserable and it will and can get better but i could not tell you shit about what thatd look like and who will be there #and thats been very much a viewpointvive had for YEARS even if i didnt know it that well in words #i think its one of the reason i can not wrap my head around marriage really like for other people i think ita cute andbi love seeing wedding #but i can not picture myself married and havent been able to since i was in like middle school #any time the talk of marriage comes up i can not related and have not related #tag rambles