#but i can not picture myself married and havent been able to since i was in like middle school

[thisisgracetrying]

A little about me!

So uh... hi! 

I've been thinking about how much I want to meet @taylorswift and Swifites all around dn the world but I never really post anything here about me, so why would she or anyone be like "oh yes, i want to meet her too" I mean for all we know I could be a crazy person right? (I've watched way too many crime-drama shows, I'm so sorry, DUN DUN). Well here I go. 

My name is Grace, I was born and raised in Venezuela. I'm 27 years old. I graduated from Law school when I was 24 and that same year I moved out of my home country, I've lived in Buenos Aires, Argentina and I'm currently living in Medellín, Colombia. Buenos Aires is so pretty I loved it there, I learned so much about myself, but I think I like Medellín better because it reminds me a lot of Venezuela, plus the weather is lovely.

I'm married (got married this year, I've posted a few pictures about it lol) my wedding song was Lover, other songs that define my relationship would be, stay, stay, stay, starlight, daylight, mary's song (one of my favorites lol), crazier, you are in love, this love, fearless, call it what you want... so basically any love song Taylor has ever written lol. I need to mention this because before I started dating my husband I thought I would NEVER relate to these songs, so if you're thinking love is not for you and heart break is all there is, TRUST ME, it is not. 

I became a Swiftie back in 2008, I was about to turn 16. I heard Love Story somewhere and I got obsessed, then I found out she was dating Joe Jonas, and that she was about to release her 2nd album, so I was like WAIT THERE'S ONE ALBUM ALREADY? HOW COME I HAVENT LISTENED IT YET? and that was it, I was hooked, playing her first album on repeat everyday... however that did not prepare me for what was coming up next. 

As soon as I listened to Fearless, I just knew I would stan Taylor my whole life. I was going thro some stuffs back then, I was heart broken for the first time, a good friend of my had died and I felt like i just hated everything, but deep down I was just very very sad. When I look back at who I was back then it makes me wanna cry because I felt so alone... and then this album came out. She shook my world, took my hand and walked me thro all of it. And for that @taylorswift I'm eternally grateful. 

The rest is history. 

Now because I am a Latin Swifite I was not able to see her live until I was living in Buenos Aires and I was financially independent. I had a good life in Venezuela but my parents couldn't afford a trip to the US for a concert, it is really sad to love someone and their work so much and not being able to see them perform live, but I've sworn to myself that it wont happen again, as long as I'm alive (and im not broke of course lol) I will go to every tour of every era. 

I'm not going to lie, sometimes I feel like an outsider in the fandom, most of the time is because I feel old? lol but I dont have like fan accounts, I just have my personal accounts and I'm always spamming them with Taylor lol because I dont feel like I need to separe being a Swiftie from who I am because thats such an important part of my life, however I do get why people do it. I lover her with all my heart and will always support her in the ways I can, but sometimes it does feel like I dont do enough compare to others, I know comparison is poison but i cant help it. I just want to point that out in case someone else feels this way, you're not alone. 

The Reputation tour was truly something else. I cried, laughed, danced, sang all the songs like a lunatic and I was able to enjoy all that with 2 of my best friends. 

I've always dealt with body issues, I was a gymnast for the majority of my childhood and adolescent years and there was a lot of pressure to be thin and maintaining that weight, by the time I was 9 I was counting calories and by the time I was 11 I knew what an eating disorder was. So when Taylor talked about her struggle with her body my heart felt for her but i was also very proud, it takes a lot of strength to do that. Sometimes we are making excuses because we dont wanna face the truth, or we are thinking "Oh no I dont really have an issue" but every so often once someone we look up to does it, it makes us realize that it is ok to seek help. 

Right now I feel a little lost because we are in the middle of this global pandemic and I'm not as happy with my job as i was before (I work remote and have been doing the same thing for 5 years now) I thought 2020 was the year of changes and me finally going out there and finding a new job and maybe study something or learn something new. But I'm working on not being so hard on myself, stop overthinking (but damn its so difficult lol, I always picture the worst case scenario) and just be grateful for what I do have right now. I know there are a lot of people struggling right now and I'm very privileged just to have a roof over my hand, a full stomach, a healthy body and a lovely family. So if youre feeling off right now, its a global thing, we are all in this together, and I feel like this will be over sooner than our crazy minds thing (or at least I HOPE SO lol).

So last but not least a few random facts about me: (cause I dont want to make this already long ass post even longer) 

 I really enjoy dancing, writing, going to the movies, cooking and everything that is make up related. 

I wish i could paint but I think I'd suck. I should give it a try lol.

 I like perfumes that smell like flowers and candy.

i love rainy days when I have nothing to do and sunny days when I'm in a bad mood lol. 

I have a 3 year old dog, his name is Brooklyn and I love him with ALL MY HEART, hes my baby. 

When I moved to Argentina, my bff friend since i was 15 and I lived together, I treasure the moments we shared and I miss him a lot, so as soon as I knew i was moving to Colombia we decided to get a matching tattoo, we got "Cornelia St" because its out favorite song out of Lover and I hope I never lose him. 

And that is it for now! if anyone read this, THANK YOU and feel free to comment anything about yourself! I love to read and learn about other people! 

Have a wonderful day. 

Hey if youre reading this! find me on twitter: graceohmymymy lets be friends!

#life #facts #taylor swift #swiftie #love #heartbreak #taylorswift #reputation tour #latin swiftie #feeling down #moving on #about me

[shrimpcolour]

Answer all 1-92!

yep yep THANK UUUUUUUUUU

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

absolutely not

 2. You talked to an ex today, correct? 

absolutely not

3. Have you taken someones virginity? 

absolutely not

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

yes i think i keep things to myself

 5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

no bc of the rona

 6. What are you excited for? 

quarantine to be over 

7. What happened tonight? 

i am going through it lmaoo

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

i really think this question is gross no i dont care 

 9. Is confidence cute? 

confidence is cute as fuck

10. What is the last beverage you had? 

water, shockingly 

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? 

one? maybe?

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? 

yes but i dont wear them unless nothing else is clean

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? 

probably play craft and cry

14. What are you going to spend money on next? 

dunkin donuts baebyyyy

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? 

yessirrrr

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

yes i think that i will be happier 

 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? 

my friend beenal i trust her with everything 

18. The last time you felt broken? 

right now as i type

19. Have you had sex today?

no 

 20. Are you starting to realize anything? 

that i cant handle being alone for a long time without starting to spiral

21. Are you in a good mood? 

im starting to get out of a shitty mood

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? 

i almost did one time when i was younger i was supposed to swim w super tiny sharks at disney but then i freaked tf out and bailed 

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? 

no 

24. What do you want right this second? 

a hug from jillie

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

goodbye thanks for letting me know but bye

 26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? 

no it is darker rn

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

no that is boring thank jah jillie is funny 

 28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

the fact that someone from vietnam with a windows 8 phone is trying to hack my email

 29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? 

yes jillie so much

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

yes second chances are good and important (obviously not for certain scenarios)

 31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? 

i dont hate him he just annoys me 

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? 

i hope she does 

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? 

no i only drink mcdonalds sprite and i hate coke and that stuff

34. Listening to? 

a criminal minds episode

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? 

yes all the time

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

yes i do it was at jillies

 37. Do you believe in love at first sight? 

no i do not i think it is gradual 

38. Who did you last call? 

i joined a zoom call for like four seconds today but then i left bc i hate myself KJLSJHFJLKHF

39. Who was the last person you danced with? 

my team 

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

hopefully bc she loves me

 41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? 

today!! my mom made them

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

no i havent done that since i was a baby

 43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? 

every day baebyyy

44. Do you tan in the nude? 

i dont even like showering naked or tanning at all

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? 

yes but not because of who it was with but because it was awkkk

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? 

no i fell asleep at around 11 am and i just kinda KOed

47. Who was the last person to call you? 

jillie a couple days ago

48. Do you sing in the shower? 

no i dance KASLHJLKA

49. Do you dance in the car?

you fucking know it

 50. Ever used a bow and arrow? 

no but it seems so cool

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? 

uhhh never???

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

no i think that they are happy

 53. Is Christmas stressful? 

extremely

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

i have but i am not a fun

 55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

apple baby apple

 56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

i wanted to be hannah montana so bad. not even a rockstar i deadass wanted to be H E R 

 57. Do you believe in ghosts?

i sure do 

 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

a lot of the time it makes me nervy

 59. Take a vitamin daily?

no only when i have some

 60. Wear slippers? 

no mostly just socks

61. Wear a bath robe?

no but they give off bad bitch vibes

 62. What do you wear to bed? 

sweatpants and a hoodie when cold short and a sports bra when hot

63. First concert? 

hannah montana/miley cyrus and she flew above the crowd on a motorcycle

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

wwwwalmart baeby

 65. Nike or Adidas?

nike

 66. Cheetos Or Fritos? 

fritos but both are gross

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

sunflower seeds i hate everything peanut

 68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? 

lover

69. Ever take dance lessons? 

im on a competitve team my guy

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

i have a “joke” that i am marrying an orthodontist so yes

 71. Can you curl your tongue? 

i can but i cant do the clover thing 

72. Ever won a spelling bee? 

no i suck at spelling LMAO i used to cheat on spelling tests in elementary school

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

i have i also cry when i get overly excited 

 74. What is your favorite book?

farenheit 451 

 75. Do you study better with or without music? 

i dont study

76. Regularly burn incense? 

no i dont

77. Ever been in love? 

yes

78. Who would you like to see in concert? 

HOZIER i would die

79. What was the last concert you saw? 

ed sheeran 

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

hot tea 

 81. Tea or coffee? 

coffee 

82. Favorite type of cookie?

oatmeal honestly it kinda slaps 

 83. Can you swim well?

no i really do be sucking at swimming my dad and a lifeguard had to get me out of the ocea once

 84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? 

yes? can people not>

85. Are you patient? 

i dont really know??

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? 

dj type beat 

87. Ever won a contest? 

yes i won a constume contest at a dance party once

88. Ever have plastic surgery? 

nope

89. Which are better black or green olives? 

ummmmmmmm neither 

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

will be participating in it but fri dont give a care if u fuck before u get married

 91. Best room for a fireplace? 

living room 

92. Do you want to get married

the idea seems nice but i dont think anyone will want to marry me

#long post #mwah haha #Anonymous

[pennylanefics]

“Why do you hate me?” - Ben Hardy | part 17

a/n: one more part left!! feedback is appreciated ❤️

Today is the day.

You were standing in front of the full-length mirror in the hotel room, where you and your bridal party were getting ready in. You were just in your lingerie, your hair and makeup already complete. The pure white garter hugged your thigh perfectly, the sparkling tiara sat atop your styled hair. You looked like a princess. Well, a princess in her under garments. Your dress rested perfectly beside the mirror, waiting for you to step into it and start the best day of your life.

Your bridesmaids, which consisted of your sister, Leila, Katherine, Lucy, Priya, Jessica, and your best friend since you were little, were all frantic, running around the room and the hotel, trying to make sure everything was perfect and ready. You, however, continued to stare into the mirror, wondering why you got so lucky with such an amazing boyfriend, and a group of close friends you love dearly. Everything felt too perfect. The last time things felt this way, you and Ben almost broke up.

“(Y/N)?” You were broken out of your daze by Leila, wondering what the hell you were doing.

“Are you okay?” You sighed and shrugged.

“What if everything goes wrong? What if Ben gets scared, or worse, what happens if our marriage doesn’t last?” Your voice dropped to a whisper, too scared to speak it into existence.

“You have nothing to worry about. Ben loves you so much, and there’s no doubt he isn’t having second thoughts.”

“But what if he is?!” You yelled out. You didn’t mean to sound so rude, you were just stressing out. A lot.

“I’ll go and talk to Ben, okay?” You nodded and thanked her, reaching for your robe that Ben’s mom got you specially made. It said “Mrs. Jones” on the back. You sat on the bed and fiddled with your fingers. You stared up at your dress this time, smiling softly at the fact that in an hour, you were going to be walking down the aisle in it.

Your thoughts were yet again interrupted, this time by a knock on your door. You stood and quickly ran to answer it. You saw Gwilym standing there, in his tux, ready for the ceremony to start.

“Hey Gwil, what’s up?” Your heart started to race as you thought of the different scenarios he was coming to talk to you about. Did Ben want to call off the wedding? Is something wrong?

“I just came to see how you’re doing,” he said. You shut the door and shook your head.

“I’m kinda freaking out. I’m scared Ben is gonna back out, or something is going to happen, or in the future, our marriage won’t last. I don’t know why I feel this way. I love Ben so much,” you poured your heart out to him.

“I actually came here because of Ben. He’s the same way you are right now, freaking out over how you feel about this, wanting to talk to you and see if you’re still on the same page.” You immediately felt relief knowing that nothing serious was wrong.

“Does he still want to marry me?” You asked in a hushed voice.

“He does. I promise you. The minute he woke up, he hasn’t been able to stop mentioning that he’s marrying you today.” You giggled softly at his annoyance of his friend.

“I can’t wait to marry him. He makes me so happy.”

“You make him happy, too. I haven’t seen him this happy in a while. I can guarantee you he’ll be there at the end of the aisle. Actually, he might already be there now,” Gwil poked fun at Ben’s impatience. You laughed loudly and pulled Gwilym into a huge hug.

“Thank you. I wonder how Leila is, she went to see Ben for me.”

“Yeah, I saw her getting off the elevator. She told me you were a mess, I told her Ben was a mess. You two are literally made for each other,” he chuckled, rubbing your back softly.

“Just get past this last hour, okay? And I promise everything with be okay.” You nodded at his words as he left. You went back to staring at your dress, a wide smile gracing your lips as you were no longer scared, but now restless and impatient to walk down the aisle.

Leila returned a couple minutes after Gwilym left, and she pretty much told you everything he told you; Ben was so excited to marry you.

So, in the last hour you had as an engaged woman, you were surrounded by your friends and family, the photographer you hired for the entire wedding continued to snap pictures of you chatting, and eventually starting to get ready.

You finally slipped into your dress, with the help of the others of course. Once it was perfectly fit, tears sprung to your eyes. Even though it was a little simple, you still looked amazing. And who needed a huge dress when you’re getting married in a castle?

The dress consisted of a lace top and sleeves, and the skirt was a simple tulle skirt. You immediately fell in love with it the moment you laid eyes on it, you knew it was the one.

“(Y/N), you look absolutely gorgeous!” Your mom said, covering her mouth as she stepped into the room. You turned to her, tears still falling, and wrapped your arms around her.

“Your father and the rest of the groomsmen left for the venue. They should be there in about fifteen minutes. So we can leave then.” You nodded at her words and turned back to your bridal party. They all brought you in for a hug, quietly congratulating you and crying with you. This has been a long time coming, and you couldn’t wait until Ben was finally, and hopefully for forever, yours.

“Alright! Time to get married!” Leila yelled loudly as she raised your hand up, celebrating the end of those fifteen minutes. You laughed and slipped your shoes on, delicately picked up your veil, and headed out of the hotel.

The nerves finally set in, this was it. This last stretch of time, and you would finally be walking down the aisle. The entire car ride consisted of the girls trying to get your mind off of your anxious thoughts. So, the driver put on some Queen, the only thing that made sense to play as you two literally met while on set for the Queen biopic.

The limo pulled up in front of the huge, fairy tale-like castle, and you started to shake slightly. Taking a deep breath, Leila helped you step out of the car and helped insert your veil into your hair. Once it was set, you started the small trek to the entrance, where the groomsmen and your father were waiting.

You reached the group and grabbed for your father’s arm. He smiled happily at you, and you could see the tears in his eyes. He rubbed your hand with his as you stood farther away while the groomsmen and bridesmaids took their places. Your aunt opened the door to the entrance and waved for Gwilym and Leila, the best man and maid of honor, to start walking. One by one, each pair disappeared inside.

Your younger cousin, the flower girl, and Ben’s young cousin, the ring bearer, were finally next. She got her basket ready and entered the threshold.

Here goes nothing.

“You ready?” You heard your dad ask from beside you. You grinned widely and nodded as your aunt opened the door for you. She smiled at you and stood to the side. You looked up to see everyone standing, staring at you in complete awe. Your heart was racing as you searched for the one pair of eyes that only mattered to you.

And once you found them, your heart sped up even more. His green eyes were wide with love and shock, glossed over with tears as he held his hand over his mouth.

He couldn’t believe you were to be his.

Tears fell down his cheeks as you stepped closer and closer to the altar. You saw his knees buckle slightly, Gwilym managing to grab his arms to steady him. You let out a light laugh as you saw that moment play out.

Once you were right in front of him, you stopped. Your dad leaned in to press a kiss to your cheek, and handed your hand to Ben. He gladly took it, despite his insecurity of his hand being extremely warm and sweaty.

“Hi,” he whispered, tears still cascading down his cheeks. You reached up and gently wipe some away with your thumb. You felt your own tears pool in your eyes as you tried your best to conceal them. You turned towards the officiant and the ceremony started. You were too caught up in your thoughts about Ben, you could barely pay attention to the man.

“Now, it’s time for the vows the happy couple has prepared.” Ben nodded to you, signaling for you to go first. There was a microphone stand right in the middle of you two, so you didn’t have to worry about speaking loudly.

“Ben, from the day I met you, I knew there was something special about you. Sure, you may have not liked me the first two months of filming, but that didn’t stop me from trying to talk to you, be around you, and even try to get to know you. It took us three months to get past that hurdle, one of which was my fault. But nothing in the past matters because I’m standing here today, with you, getting ready to start another new chapter in our lives. Three years ago, I don’t think I saw myself ever getting married, let alone finding someone who means the world to me. I also didn’t expect you, my on-screen husband, who hated me because I got along with our co-star quickly, to be that guy. But, I wouldn’t trade anything, I wouldn’t want to be standing here with anyone else. Because I love you so much, Ben Hardy. And I’m so thankful that these past three years of extreme ups and downs in our relationship has finally come to a happy ending.” Your voice started to quiver as you finished your vows, tears cascading down your cheeks. You couldn’t conceal them anymore.

“Ben,” the officiant nodded his head towards your soon-to-be husband. Ben took a deep breath, lifting his hand to quickly wipe some tears away before he started.

“I’ve always believed in love at first sight. Although it may seem stupid and unreasonable, I really do believe that when you see someone, you can tell if you are going to love them or be with them in the future. (Y/N), I fell in love with you the second I saw you. Seeing you with Gwilym made me realize that I probably wouldn’t have a chance with you, no matter how much I wanted it, so I pushed you away. And still, to this day, I deeply regret my actions. I regret not talking to you for two months, instead opting out for rude and insensitive comments. I really don’t understand why you gave me a second chance, let alone a third one a little over a year ago. I’m not the best person, I make mistakes, a lot of them, but you still stayed with me. You still waited for me, you managed to forgive me every time I messed up, and I cannot thank you enough. You are the love of my life, and like you said, I really can’t see myself with anyone else. You are perfect for me. You complete me, and I love you so much, darling. I know the three years we’ve known each other haven’t exactly been ideal, so going forward with our lives, I promise to make you so happy to make up for all of the shit and heartbreak I put you through.” He finished and threw the paper behind his shoulder for Gwil to catch, and grabbed your hands, bringing you closer. The officiant smiled and began with the ‘I do’s.’

“I do,” you whispered, staring into Ben’s eyes with every syllable you repeated from the man.

“I do,” Ben repeats. His eyes bore into yours as well. You could see them glistening with tears as the ceremony was coming to a close.

“I now pronounce you, husband and wife. You may kiss your bride, Mr. Hardy.” With those words, the man stepped back a few inches and Ben stepped close to you, wrapping his arms around your waist. His lips were immediately pressed against yours, one hand coming up to cup your cheek and keep you close. You pulled back from the semi-heated kiss and smiled lightly.

“Now I can finally call you husband and it actually be true. I love you, Ben Jones.”

“My wife. I love you so much, (Y/N) Jones.”

“Why do you love me?” His smirk softened into a loving grin.

“So many reasons, and I can’t wait to show you tonight,” he whispered in your ear and winked after pulling away. A blush crept up your neck and to your cheeks as he chuckled and kissed your heated skin.

You turned towards all of yours and Ben’s friends and family, smiling widely as he held your embraced hands in the air. Everyone cheered and clapped louder, cries making their way through the crowd as you two walked down the aisle as a married couple.

“Ready for the reception?” Ben asked once you two were outside in the nice weather that London is currently having.

“Do you think we could skip it and go back to the hotel?” You asked suggestively and jokingly. Ben playfully rolled his eyes and pulled you into a hug. The photographer snapped picture after picture of the sweet moment.

“I don’t think our families would be too happy. Plus we have to have our first dance, have a lovely dinner and cake. I think you can wait to do it, love.”

“Don’t know if I’m gonna be able to keep my hands off you all night, though, Jonesy.”

“Well, I have no problem with that, Mrs. Jones.”

tags: @kazzys-queenblog

#ben hardy #ben hardy imagines #ben hardy imagine #ben hardy x reader #bohemian rhapsody #bohemian rhapsody imagines #borhap #gwilym lee #joe mazzello #rami malek #roger taylor #john deacon #freddie mercury #brian may #imagines #imagine #fanfiction #fanfic

[yung-gunshot]

In questions!

thank you denna @kisamas

1. What takes up too much of your time? rn its mainly vibeo game and anime. i still play djmax respect like almost every single day plus also playing ace combat 5 & 7 and i recently finished watching ergo proxy which was pretty cool

2. What makes your day better? cooking something yummy like pasta or curry makes my day better and just generally playing games something that distracts me from my problems at the moment

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today? i made pasta with sausage, broccoli, and spinach for dinner and it was really good 

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? hm i havent really thought about this but i think it would be cool to see the netsphere from blame! but without being involved in all the fucked up stuff i just love the architecture 

5. Are you good at giving advice? i would like to think so but none of my friends i know irl reach out to me so maybe i think not i just speak bollocks 

6. Do you have a mental illness? hm not sure, i never got officially diagnosed but im pretty sure i may have developed depression ever since i graduated hs

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? i dont think i have 

8. What musician inspires you the most? not sure about musicians but deathgrips and jpegmafia have kinda inspired me at the moment just because they make whatever they want without being afraid of what people think of them

9. Have you ever fallen in love? yea its happened twice now

10. What’s your dream date? i dont really think about this just because i dont think it will ever happen but i think just hanging out and going hiking anywhere would be nice and i really enjoy checking out new places to eat in town

11. What do others notice about you? not really sure about this question tbh maybe that im really easy to get along with? and i dont like the fact that i exist outside of my own perception 

12. What’s an annoying habit you have? isolation? but also i tend to bounce my leg and play with my hair a lot

13. Do you still talk to your first love? nope 

14. How many exes do you have? 2

15. How many songs are in your playlist? im not really sure i just have 3 playlists on spotify that most songs go to depending on the mood they are pretty huge though so id say at least 100 per playlist

16. What instruments can you play? i used to be able to play the trumpet in elementary 

17. What do you have the most pictures of? i have lots of landscape pics from the places i go camping and hiking then its just anime girls memes etc

18. Where would you like to go before you die? i think it would be really nice to see japan, korea, and indonesia plus also visit every national park here in the us and some parts in mexico like cancun and puebla 

19. What’s your zodiac? aquarius 

20. Do you relate to it? sometimes but most of the time i think its stupid 

21. What is happiness to you? just living a life where i dont have to maintain a certain image of myself and free from the pressures of modern day life and capitalism 

22. Are you going through anything right now? yea i still havent registered for fall classes yet and also havent been able to find a job either and i lost my friendship with my best friend a month ago

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? i think telling my best friend i grew feelings for them is by far the worst thing ive done to date and its just something im never going to forgive myself for

24. What’s your favorite store? winco, samber and la chiquita (local hispanic stores) and grocery outlet

25. What’s your opinion about abortion? pro

26. Do you keep a bucket list? nope

27. Do you have a favorite album? ive had a few as my all time fav like Emily’s D+Evolution , To Pimp A Butterfly and Toxicity, rn though im really enjoying Dog Whistle by Show Me the Body, Infest the Rats’ Nest by King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard and Veteran by Jpegmafia

28. What do you want for your birthday? maybe some new cardigans and candles would be nice

29. What are people’s first impressions of you? i think people see me as a quiet and distant person because i dont talk that often when meeting new people

30. What age do you seem according to most people? my age (21) -/+ 1

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? i keep it on the corner of my bed next to my head

32. What word do you say the most? bollocks, bellend, fuck, worm 

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? 25

34. What’s the youngest you would date? maybe 20 but they would have to be a very specific type of person for me to consider dating them, safe bet with 21

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? art teacher

36. What’s your favorite music genre? it used to be hip hop for a really long time but now i like rock and metal but really ill listen to anything except for country and edm. ive also just been listening to a ton of vibeo game and anime music too 

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? i honestly think if the world wasn’t dictated by money i would want to live in mexico or japan tbh i like the us but just for the nature and landscapes 

38. What is your current favorite song? Camp Orchestra by Show Me the Body

39. How long have you had this blog for? i think i started in the middle or end of 2015

40. What are you excited for? i cant really say im looking forward for anything other than death stranding coming out and the dlc for ace combat 7

41. Are you a better talker or listener? i think im a better listener than i am a talker bc when i talk i cant even understand what im saying sometimes. listening is much more important to me bc i can actually process what people are saying 

42. What was the last productive thing you did? i talked to my adviser today and made some food and took my dog out for a walk at the park

43. What do you want for Christmas? i would like more board games to play with my cousins and friends and maybe some new pants too

44. What class do you get the best grades in? i dont know about best grades but its usually my painting and drawing courses 

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? 5

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years? i honestly dont know and the only thing that comes to mind is being a teacher? i just live day to day 

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? i guess after i graduated hs we were talking before we graduated but things sorta fell apart and i realized my feelings a bit too late to change anything 

48. What age do you want to get married? not sure since i cant see myself being taken seriously enough to want to marry but i guess ill say any age before 40

49. What career did you want to have as a child? i dont quite remember but i recall wanting to do space travel so maybe an astronaut? or astronomer

50. What do you crave right now? emotional stability, some taro milk tea, and more pasta\

im gonna tag @deredere @euthymiclurker and @dementatree :)

#a lot of the questions i honestly didnt know how to answer sorry if they were trash

[ninatastic]

@kay-licious how dare u (thanks <3) @silent-calling youre doing amazing sweetie

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

I wouldnt call it a key factor but it’s important to feel attraction towards your partner

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

sure! If it’s a healthy one definitely :D

3. Are you a virgin?

nah 

4. Are you in a relationship?

yeh!

5. Are you in love?

I’d say so!

6. Are you single this year?

no

7. Can you commit to one person?

yes

8. Describe your crush

it me bf

9. Describe your perfect mate

same as above c: 

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no, only when it comes to animals c;

11. Do you ever want to get married?

thats a dream of mine tbh

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

I guess every healthy person would say no but yes, I’d absolutely do (only the first time tho, after the second time you gotta ask yourself if it’s really worth it)

13. Do you get jealous easily?

in regard to my bf: I used to but it’s a hell of a lot less nowadays. In regard to people in general, sometimes, especially when im not doing well mentally

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

me bf

15. Do you have any piercings?

just have my ears pierced!

16. Do you have any tattoos?

no but maybe soon

17. Do you like kissing in public?

only if its sweet forehead or cheek kisses, or quick kisses on the mouth or hand kisses

20. Do you shower every day?

yes though I gotta admit I really have to force myself. Not because I like being stinky but because everything is kinda difficult sometimes

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

bruh I sure hope my bf does;;

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

nah

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

I’ve been in a relationship for 5 and a half years now, I think so

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

it is possible but who tf knows

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

idk, to be frank: I think my life would be a bit easier if I wasnt in a relationship, or if I hadnt been in a relationship for the past 1-2 years. And I often feel like im more of a burden to my bf than anything else. But thats a different story

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

as in losing touch with me? I guess so

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

a song yes and it was awkward as hell ajhajdfha and people have done drawings for me which is <3<3<3<3<3<<3<3<33

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

Yup

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

very very unfortunately yes, and just like a bunch of you guys I was this close to killing myself. I was in a very bad place which I know is not an excuse for this. I still think about it even if it’s been a time since then but I think I cqan never forgive myself because of that

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

often but im too much of a scared cat dsfskjf  idk though, I would love to be much more petite size wise

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

oh often

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

yeah;; I’m not exactly pretty or popular, so puberty was hard

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

hell yeah

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

:( no

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeh!!

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Yeah and it’s difficult to be normal then aaaaaahhhhhhh

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

some of my friends have a strong disliking towards my current bf but i dont know if you can call it hate

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah and it ruined me for a while

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

uuuuhh not really I think

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

whenever I write bday cards I always put a poem in it :D

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

hella

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

depends on how thirsty I am

43. How long was your longest relationship?

5 and a half years and counting

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

2-3

45. How many people did you kiss in 2011?

uuhh I was 14, no one 

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

HELLA

47. How old are you?

22 my dudes

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I#d try to play it cool because internally I’m panicking, someone help me

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

I love about my bf how you can ALWAYS count on him when shit gets down, even if he hasnt talked to a friend for a good while and they’re like “hey I need you”, he’ll be there in a sec Also that he is still able to surprise me

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

jsdfhsjdfks GO AWAY, I’d say while closing the door and shutting the blinds quicker than lightning

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

yeah, but that’s probably because I have bpd and depressions

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

yeah, I tried to help them on all occassions, so much that I ruined my own life partially and made myself sick. But whatever I did or said, they apparently want to suffer, so i gave up trying. 

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

yeah my abuser probably

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

unfortunately yes and fortunately yes

55. Share a relationship story.

uuuuuuhhhhh; I dont really know what to write here. Guess I’ll never forget when my bf held a kitten (which was only a week old) in his hands and he almost cried because he loved the baby so much. Haha, he was afraid of crushing it though because it was much smaller than the palms of his hands

56. State 8 facts about your body

I gained a lot of weight since last year which is why I avoid posting or taking pics, but according to everyone else you dont see it that much (?); my hair is getting its natural curliness back; I fucked up my knee so I’ll have knee surgery next year; I bruise easily; I have a shit ton of scars; I love my super green eyes; I have thicc thighs and if I’m very emotional I get red spots all over my body

57. Things you want to say to an ex

to my first ever bf: fuck u lmao to the second bf I had: I’m so sorry for everything and I hope that you found your place :)

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

uuuhhh be sweet and understanding, be funny, be somewhat smart, dont be a mean asshole and be nice to other people (especially kids) and animals and also be able to be fascinated by small things 

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

yikes

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

my current bf is 8 years older than me

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

how open and nice they are? Idk I always choose my ppl to hang out with according to this

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

even though I’m a switch I have a big preference for being the sub, so if someone can dominate me and yknow do stull like carry me princess style or something im all like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

everything that comes after kissing imo

64. What is your definition of cheating?

I think as soon as you try to pursue someone emotionally that already counts as cheating

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

kissing, grinding, I love when someone talks dirty to me

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

if it aint too much of a tmi i’d love to admit that we have a collar and a leash so (not thinking about pet play uughfjhjsdfkhsd, just yknow someone is able to drag me to them like this or being held in place while being taken from behind is p nice)

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

something something being outside in the nature and also good food 

68. What is your sexual orientation?

69. What turns you off?

super super wet kisses where also my nose somehow gets stuck in someone elses mouth Like dude r u a vacuum cleaner sdfhsdkjhfks

70. What turns you on?

being manhandled

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

idk I dont really have a lot of wet dreams and usually theyre not very kinky but rather sweet and slow 

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

I like dirty talk, so imma leave that open 

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

i love to get flowers, or lil stuff that reminds us of our friendship or something, self made/home made stuff is always !!!!!!!!!!!!

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

probably hands? I love it when girls have super slender hands and when boys have rough and big hands

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

I already answered that c:

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

I have a few stories I’m proud of! But I really love this one: When I was little I grew up in a village in which like 300-400 people lived (maximum) and next to us lived this sweet older couple who always gave us sweets and vegetable for our parents, or they brought us stuff from when they went on vacation. The man is now constantly sick, he suffers from parkinson and you see the early statges of dementia setting in. A while ago he wanted to go and get the German version of fish and chips with his wife but due to him needing a ton of surgeriesw constantly he wasnt able to go out with his wife. When my mom told me this I was like wtf u cant just tell me this, I’m too soft. So I went and got fish and chips from the best market around us for him and flowers for his wife, despite the fact that I havent seen them in YEARS. When I arrived at their front door both of them hugged me and cried a bit

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

not bad if everything is consensual and if there’s a power balance thats equal 

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

I think the leash thing is one of the kinkiest things we’ve ever done tbh

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

yesterday a bit when my bf went out wth friends and had a few beers while I was stuck at home with the thought that I can never have a beer again dkadfjahdf as stupid as that sounds but I always enjoyed these chill evenings with a beer and friends

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

this morning when I cuddled my cats :D

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

my bf and many videogame and anime characters, also my best female friend is hella attractive, also some of my friends are to die for

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

my bf!!

83. Who was your first kiss with?

my first bf sdfjsdfs

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

it didnt really work out, it seemed as he was more interested in saying “hey im in a relationship!” than in me, hah;;

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

yeah, sure

#ask #jeezus

[alkalinerock]

50 questions air

thank you @kisamas i love talking about myself

1. What takes up too much of your time? im double fisting ffxiv and three houses rn im swear im gonna beat nier one day and i recently got bloodstained so i might fuck around with that :)

2. What makes your day better? eating something tasty and then im happy :) i also like it when i talk w/ the pals makes me feel good

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today? I am thinking about making mashed potatos i will i promise and it will b the best thing today

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? if i could visit some ffxiv maps like crystarium would b cool. n like, id visit inkopolis (i wanna b squiddo) and ryme city would be dope as hell would love a shinx buddy

5. Are you good at giving advice? i feel like i am but i feel like i still have so much more to learn about imparting wisdom. i was thinking about this the other night n as funny as this sounds i heard a lot of good advice on tumblr. mainly realizing how simple but important the small things are. “i’m proud of you” or “you did really well”. and i like giving advice i think it makes people feel less alone when theyre dealing with situations. if nothing else thats what i want to accomplish

6. Do you have a mental illness? idk i feel like i do but i never officially got diagnosed we got no health insurance. a lot of ppl tell me that im depressed and i think i believe it too but i always tell them im gonna remain impartial about it until i (finally) get a chance to talk to a profreshinal 

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? ya a few years ago after class id take like, a nap daily. and most of the times i wake up unable 2 move. sometimes im in like, a bad position where my face is a little too close to my pillow and its hard to breathe. i havent gotten it in a while but it sure does stink. 

8. What musician inspires you the most? i dont think any musician INSPIRES me but octopath’s composer yasunori nishiki really makes me wanna be like “quit your job join my octopath band” 

9. Have you ever fallen in love? yeah it rocked but things didnt always work out but i learned a lot in the end 

10. What’s your dream date? never rly thought about this kinda stuff i dont really fantasize about my ideal date. i think the best things in life happen spontaneously. i think. 

11. What do others notice about you? i like 2 talk about myself and that im cute and smart funny and handsome and my meat is huge :) 

12. What’s an annoying habit you have? i play a lot of osu!taiko so i have this finger tapping habit and a lot of like anxious tics like shaking my leg i bite my nails n whatever i do this n that a lot

13. Do you still talk to your first love? yea we’re like still best friends 

14. How many exes do you have? two too

15. How many songs are in your playlist? i have many playlists i have soundcloud playlists for like. anime music/future funk/game music/etc. my spotify playlists have like. hundreds of songs. my youtube playlist also have like. hundreds of songs. some things i listen to on a daily basis i havent even saved so it just keeps growing. 

16. What instruments can you play? i used to b able to play geetar, piano, clarinent but ive forgotten everything since

17. What do you have the most pictures of? animals n other stuff

18. Where would you like to go before you die? oh wow uhhh like. i have general locations but nothing specific. it’d be nice to visit japan and see korea (finally) n then like new zealand. i know it doesnt sound exciting but i’d be happy to be anywhere. 

19. What’s your zodiac? tavros

20. Do you relate to it? sometimes but i take astrology with a grain of sand anyways 

21. What is happiness to you? chillin

22. Are you going through anything right now? tryin 2 get a job. get my AA. 

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? hmmm i have made many bad decisions but nothing stands on top as my worst. i think anything that falls under the category of “mistreating my friends because of my short-sightedness” is considered the worst. 

24. What’s your favorite store? food stores 

25. What’s your opinion about abortion? pro

26. Do you keep a bucket list? nop

27. Do you have a favorite album? no lol

28. What do you want for your birthday? uhm. better earphones?

29. What are people’s first impressions of you? im silly maybe

30. What age do you seem according to most people? a little younger than i am. 

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? on the dresser next to my bed or like. on my bed next to me in a safe corner 

32. What word do you say the most? idk maybe like. epic. or. legit. or fuck. 

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? i donno lol maybe like. 1000. 

34. What’s the youngest you would date? my age and above lol wtf 

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? any job that requires, like, talking. on two occasions ive heard ppl say that i have a voice suited for customer service (like, ehh?? i just talk politely lol) but like. counseling too i guess. 

36. What’s your favorite music genre? most genres but lately ive been listening to anime op/eds and bideo game music and bandori songs and like. brockhampton or like. outrun. this n that.

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? i donno... i don really think about this stuff 

38. What is your current favorite song? fire bird by roselia (lol)

39. How long have you had this blog for? for a while idr how long maybe like. 5 yrs

40. What are you excited for? these maybe mashed potatoes im gonna make LOL

41. Are you a better talker or listener? i think im both. i prefer to listen and i think depending on my conversation partner i think listening is more important 

42. What was the last productive thing you did? i got out of bed brushed my teeth and got something to drink. i know its not much but ive really been makin an effort to improve my....””””mornings””””. ive been waking up at like 1-2pm these days so the least i could do is get my day started right

43. What do you want for Christmas? something rly good to eat!!

44. What class do you get the best grades in? i dont look at my grades LMAO i do like. OK on most of my classes but somtimes i make an oopsie whoopsie and lose a lot of points becuase im forgetful and stupid

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? like. 7. 10 being like, i just ate something really great and im chillin w/ the homies. im 7 becase i ate something sorta tasty and im chillin but no homies. n im thinkin about the mash potatoe im going to maybe make

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years? uhm. maybe teaching? doing something like, being sillay with my pals. i dont think about the future i just kinda just. Do.

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? never rly the breakups were my responsibility becos i was mentally immature so i tend to like, think about what i did wrong. 

48. What age do you want to get married? ahh im not rly thinking about this but itd be nice to have a gf first LOL these future oriented questions be like. “idk!”

49. What career did you want to have as a child? yuusha

50. What do you crave right now? despite what ive been saying about thos mash potatoes i really want like. a good burger or somethin. i just wanna eat something free and tasty!!

@gurmza @learnosaurusrex @advancewars2 do it and please read over my answers very carefully i will test you on this on discord without warning 

[dweebobeebo-blog]

Why didn't you tell me- Josh dun

Words:1066

Warnings: sad, talk of kidnapping and RAPE scars, crying and screaming and death.

Requested: yes

Josh dun x reader

♡♡

Josh and I have been together for a while now, we met through some mutual friends, better know as Brendon and Sara urie. I've known brendon for a while know, having gotten back in touch before he married Sara we went on double dates a lot. He then mentioned his friend Josh dun, they introduced us and we hit it off and have been inseparable since. Been dating for almost a year and, havent slept together yet, sexually anyways. I have a reason, but Josh never seemed to bother go ask why I didn't want too, or why I would stop before any thing else happened.

Brendon is over today because Sara was busy with something, Josh was out with Tyler so I invited him over. Hes been here for several hours now, he keeps asking questions about Josh and I but I've avoided them.

"Spill" he says, making me look at him oddly "spill everything about you and josh"

"Oh.. well its obvious we really care for each other" I say shrugging, shoving popcorn into my mouth

"Yeah but have you slept together?" He asks, I sigh and shake my head "why?"

"Brendon you know why" I groan, laying my head on the arm rest of the sofa "he doesnt know he doesnt bother to ask why I always stop him before he goes to far"

"You've gotta tell him" he states, "how long ago?"

"Exactly a year, tomorrows the anniversary" I sigh, "I know the news will do something itll be posted somewhere"

Its silent for a little bit before we hear for steps we both look and see Josh, then brendons phone rings. It was Sara, once he got off the phone he left leaving me with Josh who was being oddly distant.

♡♡

Today's the one year anniversary, of the terrible thing that happened to me and several other girls. Josh had practice today, brendon was busy and so was Sara so I'm alone just great. I go to my room and find my hidden news paper clippings, and pictures of the man who did it. I turned on the news, to see If anything will be said about it. I pull out my full body mirror, strip and sit in front of it with everything, and the TV playing loudly. I reread the news paper article.

Man convicted of kidnapping and rape of several young girls.

Man pleads not guilty to charges against kidnapping and rape

Man found guilty, sentenced to life in prison after finally admitting too kidnapping and raping young girls. Specifically named two of them he said were his favorites.

"Breaking news!"

I snap my head towards the TV, where the breaking news came from. I silently sit there and stare at the TV, as his picture comes onto the TV screen.

"Its been a year since the conviction of William Quincy, who pleaded guilty to the charges of kidnapping and rape of several young girls" a womens voice says "he even gave the names of two of his favorite ones, saying the fought the hardest, so it made it harder but even more fun, now most people say hes sick in the head and needs to be taken care of"

I let the tears roll down my face, dropping my head to look at my bare body. The scars, I have because of him, ive never let Josh see me naked.

"Victoria Lancaster has been on the scene since nine am this morning" she says "Victoria are you there?"

"Yes, I've been here at the scene of the prison Quincy was held" Victoria says "guards say they found him this morning, in a pool of what seemed to be his own blood, this may be the best relief for those young girls he hurt, we got in touch with one who was able to give us some words"

Farrah, her face was on the screen much more she was telling our story on TV, live breaking news she was going to say what we all felt.

"When I heard, I didnt know what to feel honestly, sad, mad but also happy he was gone" Farrah started "I've dealt with it for a year now, my family was so supportive of me. I'm in a relationship, an I hope the others are too."

"Now I heard from the recordings and videos of Quincy he had two favorite girls" Victoria says "was that true?"

"Yeah, I got close to her, we protected each other and fought the hardest" Farrah says "I hope shes watching this,

Y/n I hope you're doing well"

I broke down into sobs, gasping for air. Suddenly I feel arms being wrapped around my tightly, making me scream in fear and tighten my whole body up before I start trying to get out the grip, I push and punch and cry. When I feel in free from the grip I curl into a ball and cry harder

"Please dont touch me" I sob, I hear movements "NO!!"

"Y/n" the voice is soft and caring "hey its sara, nothings happening to you honey"

"Sara.." I cry holding my hand out she gently takes it and helps me up

"Its me Bren and Josh" she soothes sitting me next to her on my bed "it's okay"

I steady breathing, as she rubs my back. Scared to open my eyes, but I do anyways and see her brendon laying on the floor and Josh by him, worried and sad look on his face

"D-did?"

"Did you punch brendon?" Sara asks "yes, but look you're okay William Quincy can not hurt you anymore, hes gone"

"Josh..." I whisper, he looks hesitant but comes towards me, I look at silently pleading for him to hold me but hes hesitant before sara nods. He sits nscr to us and puts a blanket around me and holds me close to him.

"Why didnt you tell me" he asks

"It never came up, I thought I was okay by now.." I whisper "I didnt want you seeing my scared body"

"You're not fully gonna be okay and thats fine" he says "and you're beautiful, it shows how hard you fought to be alive"

"Josh is right" Brendon mutters

"I love you" Josh kisses my head, I just sit there until I feel myself get tired from the crying and screaming and fighting.

#panic! at the disco #my chemical romance #fall out boy #falling in reverse #bring me the horizon #twenty øne piløts #tyler joseph #josh dun #5sos #gerard way #black veil brides #dan pawlovich #ronnie radke #brendon urie #dallon weekes #twenty one pilots #pete wentz

[tylerwritez]

Understanding my relationships with adults and affection is. Tough, to say the least of it. I get really emotional when given affection, but if it's an adult, I especially tend to like it and actively seek adult affection and positive attention from adults. Well... I should be more specific, but I cant be more specific without it being weird... fuck, maybe it IS weird. Maybe that's just how I am. Weird.

I'm trying to understand why I, as a child and now as a teenager, keep on sexting pedophiles and why I keep wanting to go back and do it again.

The answer I find it simple, but terrible and messy... I didn't get affection or positive attention as a child, so now I'll do literally ANYTHING to get an adult to say they love me, or to say I've been good. Even shit that could land me with criminal charges. I keep telling myself it isnt that bad, because I havent actually done irl stuff like that, but holy shit its illegal so YES IT IS THAT BAD, and holy shit I literally ignore my own discomfort with some stuff because that's... how I am. I'm,.... obedient. I'm a good kid with a good heart, is what I'm told. But really, I'm... just obedient. A good boy. If I ever had the opportunity in real life, you can expect I'd already have some kinda std, cos I sweartogod if someone old enough who I dont dislike tells me to do something, you can fucking bet I'm gonna do it. If they praise me for following their instructions, then I'll literally be their toy. That's all it takes for some creep to get what they want: praise me. Tell me you love me, that you wish you could adopt me or marry me, tell me I'm handsome, tell me I'm doing a good job or whatever, say you're proud of me... and I'll bend over backwards to hear it again. I know it's not true. I know you never loved ME, you just loved my (ahem... underage) body. But I'd take your word for it because your word was the only word I had.

Really, other kids my age have daydreams of banging some hot blonde chick and driving a motorcycle or being rich as fuck or racing F1 cars or being an NHL superstar... and here I am, my head filled with images of a loving family. It's not like I never had one, it's just that... things went wrong. A rare tragedy occurred and I wasn't able to grow properly. Not anyone's fault, that's just how it ended up. And now I throw myself to the feet of the lowest of the low because I trust them when they say they love me. Because hearing someone say "I love you" is better than hearing silence, even if you're not having fun anymore.

This whole fucking thing is also the reason you'd catch me being more polite to stranger men than I am normally, being all "sir" this "sir" that...

It makes me very sad, when I throw all the love I have at someone and they fail to reciprocate.

I have a lot of love inside me. It hurts to have it stay there and rot inside me. I wish I had soemone to give it all to, and have them give me their love in return.

When I say I love you, I mean it. I mean that shit. And when my enthusiasm is met with little to nothing, I am once again reminded that yeah, maybe people think I'm hot, but nobody will ever love me.

When my unenthusiasm or discomfort is met with... no acknowledgement or negative acknowledgement.... I am reminded of what these people REALLY want from me. It's the pictures. They dont care for me at all.

Yknow, often I find myself supressing my discomfort with things. I tell myself no, dont express how you feel, it's better if you keep your mouth shut.

That's how I've lived my life since I learnt that fighting back makes things worse. Head down, hands in pockets, amen.

This shit still affects me today. My behaviour is irreversibly marred with trauma responses. I hate to call it that, but that's what it is. There is a void inside me, filled with blood and smoke, but smoke ventilates away and blood dries up and eventually your void is left just as empty as it started.

I wish I could be a child again, and live a different life, so that I didnt struggle with all this pain. Every single fucking day I cry over this. It hurts me so badly, in my chest, in my HEART, this pain that I cant ever get rid of, this pain, It's not even logical. What happened to me, I keep thinking, logically, was not that bad. But then my therapist says "well clearly it is affecting you" and then I have to cry more.

I personally don't believe that it was bad enough though, I keep thinking I'm exaggerating it or even making everyhting up, but when we went through the toy car birthday incident, she sympathized with me?

Most kids, upon receiving the wrong birthday present, are upset. Duh. But most kids wouldnt believe that it meant their parents didnt love them anymore and that it was their discreet way to tell them so. Most kids wouldnt keep quiet and pretend to be happy all day just to sob hysterically into the night. This one incident was a buildup of so much pain. And that's one incident.

I was always such a good kid. This was my downfall. My obedience, my desire to please, my desire to be accepted as someones son, lead to my destruction.

I keep thinking that any other family would've been so thankful for a kid like me. Maybe I couldve thrived if only the adults around me were more understanding and forgiving.

I'm so hard on myself and it hurts me. I constantly berate and insult myself over the tiniest of transgressions as

Discipline.

And my therapist asked me "discipline? Who taught you that?" And it all FUCKING clicked.

Because when I was a kid, everything set off the most negative reaction, it was anger and insults always, I never heard a single word of fucking positive reinforcement in all my 15 years and it shows, it shows because if I do soemthing wrong somehow, like if I say hi to someone awkwardly, I'm instantly insulting myself. If I get a bad grade... everything that I do, its instantly that I'm dumb, I'm overdoing it, I'm a faggot, I'm fucking stupid, I should kill myself. This is just me repeating the shit I always used to hear, this is just me living what I've learnt.

My parents are quick to anger. They're quick to decide they hate me all of a sudden. It's not anyone's fault. They dont even notice they're doing it. I mean, OF COURSE they dont, they arent the ones who had to learn to be quiet... they arent the ones with nothing to say because they had to always be quiet and still. When people ask me shit like what I wanna do, I never fucking know. Because it was always the best idea to just say you pick what you like best.

My self preservation meant giving up certain parts of myself, my argumentative side, my fire and flames, everything, I lost it all to a pit of sadness and I lost it all to learning that it was safest to shut the fuck up.

When people tell me I'm a good kid it makes me feel sad and cry. Because all I can see is the boy who suffered. A good kid. It makes me think, I didnt deserve this pain. And that makes me upset, because feeling like I deserved it or like I'm faking it is comforting in the way that it makes it less real or less serious. But it IS, in fact, VERY SERIOUS.

A good kid. I want you to imagine that. Picture it, a boy with long dark hair. A good kid. Watch him grow over the years and become quieter and quieter. Watch him draw himself in. Watch him hide. He does this all out of necessity... and now hes 15 and has no way how to get himself out of this dark cave he descended into.

Picture it. A good kid. The best kids have to get hurt. Badly. Repeatedly. For years. A good kid, with a good heart.

Is that what theyd say about me if I died? I was good kid? Jesus.

Jesus saved us. He'll save me. But I have to save myself too.

Shit, look at the day today. November 1st. I want to kill myself. Nobody went with me today on Halloween and nobody will go to my birthday party either because NOBODY FUCKING LIKES ME!!!!

Why am I even trying.. fuck it. I should just hurt myself anwyays. It's too late. I cant fix this pain, it's too deep. I cant. Why do I keep putting up with this? I should hurt myself really badly, I should do something really fucked. I should just smoke my fucking weed instead of tryna mask the smell. I should find an adult in real life. Something. I dont know. I should just do soemthing because I'm so tired of just... taking every hit I'm given. Taking it. Like a good boy. I'm sick of it. I want to say fuck you, stop hitting me.

God help me. Please. Save me. Give me strength.

[i-smile-so-i-must-be-fine]

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? i wish i was like 5′5 2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not) tiger 3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? joggers and hoodie or jeans and hoodie 4: What was your favorite video game growing up? crash  5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: my girl, and it depends on what mood i wake up in to what i think about  6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? crazy bitch  7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]? 8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic] no idea didn’t even know that was a thing  9: Are you ticklish? yea but only my girl knows where they’re  10: Are you allergic to anything? not that i’m aware of  11: What’s your sexuality? lesbian 12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? tea, but i’l drink any of them  13: Are you a cat or dog person? cat 14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? vampire 15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? not really 16: How tall are you? 5′2 17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? maybe not my first name but when i get married we’re double barrowing our last names 18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] no idea haven’t been weighed in a while 19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? kinda 20: Do you like space or the ocean more? ocean 21: Are you religious? no 22: Pet peeves? people lying, biting their finger nails  23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]? i’m kinda nocturnal  24: Favorite constellation? 25: Favorite star? demi lovato  26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? dunno what they’re  27: Any phobias or fears? a fair few 28: Do you think global warming is real? yea 29: Do you believe in reincarnation? no  30: Favorite movie? perks of being a wallflower  31: Do you get scared easily? no  32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? 2 many to count  33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.] 34: What is a color that calms you? dunno  35: Where would you like to travel and/or live? i’d love to travel to most countries but my dream is to travel to new york  36: Where were you born? uk 37: What is your eye color? brown/green they change colour  38: Introvert or extrovert? introvert 39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? not really i like reading them  40: Hugs or kisses? both  41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? my girl  42: Who is someone you love deeply? my girl  43: Any piercings you want? kinda want my eyebrow piercing  44: Do you like tattoos and piercings? i have 9 of them and i like certain piercings but not all  45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so? i smoke cigarettes but i’ve also done weed before  46: Talk about your crush, if you have one! 47: What is a sound you really hate? people biting their nails  48: A sound you really love? my girl sleeping  49: Can you do a backflip? nope 50: Can you do the splits? nope  51: Favorite actor and/or actress? channing tatum and margot robbie  52: Favorite movie? perks of being a wallflower 53: How are you feeling right now? i’m actually okay despite waking up in a shitty mood 54: What color would you like your hair to be right now? either red or purple  55: When did you feel happiest? not actually sure  56: Something that calms you down? talking to my girl  57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] BPD (borderline personality disorder) MDD (majore depressive disorder with psychotic features)  PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)  58: What does your URL mean? kinda means when i smile people think i’m fine even when i’m really not  59: What three words describe you the most? 60: Do you believe in evolution? 61: What makes you unfollow a blog? depends on how long its been since they last posted  62: What makes you follow a blog? if i like the content on what they post or reblog  63: Favorite kind of person: someone who’s kind, loving and just in general kinda awesome  64: Favorite animal(s): tiger  65: Name three of your favorite blogs. 66: Favorite emoticon: don’t really have one  67: Favorite meme: 68: What is your MBTI personality type? 69: What is your star sign? virgo  70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? no she just does it when she feels like it  71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? kinda depends what i’m doing  72: Post a selfie or two? 73: Do you have platform shoes? nope 74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? 75: Can you do a front flip? no  76: Do you like birds? no  77: Do you like to swim? depends on my mood  78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? ice skating  79: Something you wish didn’t exist: rapists  80: Some thing you wish did exist: certain people getting their karma  81: Piercings you have? none anymore.. used to have my belly button done  82: Something you really enjoy doing: spending time with my girl  83: Favorite person to talk to: my girl  84: What was your first impression of Tumblr? can’t remember 85: How many followers do you have? over 1000  86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? lol no i can’t even remember the last time i ran  87: Do your socks always match? yea but didn’t used to  88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? haven’t tried in a while  89: What are your birthstones? sapphire  90: If you were an animal, which one would you be? dunno  91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? don’t really know anything about flowers  92: A store you hate? toy stores  93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? i don’t really but it depends where i’m at  94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? read minds  95: Do you like to wear camo? no  96: Winter or summer? hmm i like both but i hate snow  97: How long can you hold your breath for? about 40 seconds to a minute  98: Least favorite person? my ex  99: Someone you look up to: i don’t really  100: A store you love? JD sports or Superdry  101: Favorite type of shoes trainers  102: Where do you live? uk 103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? nope  104: What is your favorite mineral or gem? 105: Do you drink milk? only in hot drinks or milkshakes  106: Do you like bugs? not really  107: Do you like spiders? no but i’m the one that has to kill them since my girl and our child is petrified of them 108: Something you get paranoid about? a few things  109: Can you draw: nope  110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? why do you have scars  111: A question you hate being asked? about how i got my scars  112: Ever been bitten by a spider? no  113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? yea 114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? bit of both 115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: my girl havent seen her since march.. we are now at the back end of may  116: Favorite cloud type: 117: What color do you wish the sky was? dunno  118: Do you have freckles? no  119: Favorite thing about a person: 120: Fruits or vegetables? fruit  121: Something you want to do right now: see my girl  122: Is the ocean or sky prettier? ocean.. if people actually respect it 123: Sweet or sour foods? sweet  124: Bright or dim lights? dim  125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? no  126: Something you hate about Tumblr: 127: Something you love about Tumblr: 128: What do you think about the least? 129: What would you want written on your tombstone? haven’t actually thought about it  130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? a few people  131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? i love my tattoos.. and to many things to name about hating myself  132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? no unless i’m caught off guard  133: Computer or TV? computer  134: Do you like roller coasters? yea 135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? not really i only got seasick once but the tides were quite bad  136: Are your ears lobed or attached? no idea  137: Do you believe in karma? to an extent  138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? 1 139: What nicknames do you have/have had? i’ve had a few.. can’t really remember them  140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? i hear voices inside and outside my head if that counts?  141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? yep  142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? i try be good  143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? giving  144: What makes you angry a lot of things  145: How many languages do you speak fluently? 1 146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? girls  147: Are you androgynous? a what now? 148: Favorite physical thing about yourself: my hair i guess  149: Favorite thing about your personality: i always try help people  150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. 151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? no idea  152: Do you like BuzzFeed? its alright  153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.] on an dating app  154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? yea 155: Do you like to play with others’ hair? yea but only when my girl does it  156: What embarrasses you? dunno  157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: i have anxiety soooo..  158: Biggest lie you have ever told: can’t actually remember  159: How many people are you following? a lot  160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? i don’t even know  161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? none  162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? i don’t really like posts i just reblog them  163: Last time you cried and why: last night and coz of a film i watched  164: Do you have long or short hair? long  165: Longest your hair has ever been: its down to the bottom of my back  166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon? i just never really believed in any kind of religion  167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? no  168: Do you like to wear makeup? no i’ve only ever wore it a few times  169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? no  170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? yea 

[ahmuteun]

All the questions please

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

uhhh nah, hes just a friend and we have a good dynamic that i wouldnt want to mess up

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?

nope

3. Have you taken someones virginity?

i dont think so

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

as of late it kind of is 

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

i mean, kind of? but i dont like him romantically so no i guess?

6. What are you excited for?

to see my mates next week

7. What happened tonight?

nothing exciting, i wanted to yak when i saw that mayo vid mum reblogged

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

no cause thats me sometimes nah but theyre allowed to do what they want as long as they arent completely belligerent then its cool

9. Is confidence cute?

eh it depends on the person i guess

10. What is the last beverage you had?

tea

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

like, two lol 

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? 

i own many

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?

i dunno i havent thought that far ahead yet

14. What are you going to spend money on next? 

probably a new laptop

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

im not going out with anyone so no

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

change how???????

i mean either way no lol im still gonna be a shit person in three months

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

uh, cat, jen, aubrey, and aj

18. The last time you felt broken?

i dont know about broken but i was sad last week

19. Have you had sex today?

no

20. Are you starting to realize anything?

yeah; guys fuckin suck and im stupid lol

21. Are you in a good mood?

i guess

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

yeah that would be cool

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

yeah i have his eyes

24. What do you want right this second?

for people to fuckin keep their promises, that would be great

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

well i dont like anyone but if even still, if we arent in a relationship then theyre allowed to do what they want

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? 

yep

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

i dunno i cant even think about myself dating anyone period rn so

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

i dunno, i cant recall what it was exactly

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

kind of

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

depends on the situation

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

no, aj i one of my best friends

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

i👏 👏 👏dont👏 👏 👏like👏 👏 👏anyone👏 👏 👏

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

kind of, i only drink it on the occasion

34. Listening to?

im watching harry potter and the deathly hallows part 2

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

all the time, doing math in pen is a bitch

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

idk home probably

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no because im not a naive idiot

okay i kind of am but thats not the point

38. Who did you last call? 

aj

39. Who was the last person you danced with? 

uuhhh cat, hanna, and evan i think

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

um i dunno because we were both drunk and hes a good kisser

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

i dunno im not a huge fan of them tbh

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

no

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

i embarrass myself all the time 

44. Do you tan in the nude?

i dont tan ever lmao, my friends call me “wall” for a reason

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

i would take the last, last, last kiss i had because fuck that guy 

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

kind of, i got off the phone cause i was getting sleepy

47. Who was the last person to call you?

my mom

48. Do you sing in the shower?

not really

49. Do you dance in the car?

not really

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

yeah and i sucked

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

uh, not for a while

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

some are

53. Is Christmas stressful?

it can be

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

ye, theyre good

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

does pumpkin count? if not then apple maybe?

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

power ranger lol

57. Do you believe in ghosts?

eeeehhhhhhhh kind of???

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

yeah, hasnt everyone?

59. Take a vitamin daily?

lol no

60. Wear slippers?

yeah

61. Wear a bath robe?

yeah

62. What do you wear to bed?

a big tshirt

63. First concert?

fan fan

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

walmart for groceries, target for clothes

65. Nike or Adidas?

adidas

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?

HOT CHEETOS ARE THE BEST

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

peanuts, i can never eat sunflower seeds unless theyre already shelled

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?

uhhh i like end game, style, blank space, and forever and always the most i think

her fearless album was one of my favorites when i was younger

69. Ever take dance lessons?

yeah a while ago, and now im choreographing a dance wow look at that lol

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

i cant even picture myself being married so no lol

71. Can you curl your tongue?

i can do the taco thing but not the clover

72. Ever won a spelling bee?

i purposely bombed those cause i didnt want to do them

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

no

74. What is your favorite book?

idk i really like to kill a mockingbird

75. Do you study better with or without music?

depends on the subject really

76. Regularly burn incense?

never have

77. Ever been in love?

once upon a time

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

i have some artists i would like to see but if i didnt i wouldnt be upset

79. What was the last concert you saw?

fan fan’s

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

hot since its cold out

81. Tea or coffee?

tea, coffee sucks

82. Favorite type of cookie?

i like m&m

83. Can you swim well?

i can swim decently well i guess

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

are some people not able to?

85. Are you patient?

it depends but generally no

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?

its up to the couple 

87. Ever won a contest?

ive probably won a stupid one

88. Ever have plastic surgery?

nah

89. Which are better black or green olives?

BLACK

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

u do u as long as its consensual  

91. Best room for a fireplace?

living room i guess?

92. Do you want to get married?

lmfao we’ll cross that bridge when/ if we ever get there

#thanks mate #reply #not-ready-for-goodbye

[klarkkent71]

Trilogy(Complete)

Trilogy-Friends, Partner, Breakup

Trilogy-Friend, Partners, Breakups

Throughout my works, I write and based poems off real-life situation and inspiration from other sources.  I sometimes have this ability where I feel I can tap into anyone situation and write about it.  I also love creating stories from scenarios that I have run in my head.  I have plenty of notebooks full of works and want to publish a few books.  The friend series were poems written before the relationship started.  I would take this girl out and crush hard but I always play it off like I was not feeling any specific type of way.  These poems come from the earlier half of time.  From taking this person out on her birthday for hibachi, to experiencing the first kiss, and the phase of just falling for someone.  The common theme for every poem is that I think readers could tap into my mind and see the motivation behind every piece

The Friend Series(Part 1)

Crushing

Your smile brightens days

Your eyes are just amazing

Your heart has beautiful ways

My desire to date you is just blazing

1st Kiss

Our eyes connected

We held hands

Our lips become one

I learned what a kiss from heaven felt like

Untitled

I yearn to want to have you close and dig into your mind

A friend of beauty for some reason it’s hard for me to just stay in line.

Every time we out for some reason I’m just getting lost in your eyes

You’re beautiful inside and out and that’s something I quickly realized

The first time we hung out I knew at some point I just couldn’t stay in the zone of friends

But I have to hold off on my true self because I want the happy feeling between us to never end

Career driven and ambition you have all the traits I adore

Hopefully, our future has a lot more in store

Why I like You PT1

Something about your smile that just drive me so wild

Its something about your pure heart that you have the innocence of a child

I can see myself on future dates with you hold hands

I know I say a lot but I can see myself being your man

I see us having a future even though tit’s not love yet

Your beauty is similar to that a million suns and a magnificent sunset

Cross The Line

I wish we werent friend that our lips can become one

I wish I can just open my mouth and share my true feelings

I feel stuck that I had crush this long and closure havent came

Its tough seeing so beautiful and knowing youll probably never have

Maybe years later once were completely apart this something we can laugh about.

Until then I’m in my own lane.

Part 2 covers the phase when things were official.  I would be triggered after various events and write for specific incidents. I would get lost in moments and memorize works in my head just so that I can go to the bathroom and type them.

Partners(Part 2)

Kunningham Part 1

You are my best friend and someone who stuck it out with me through thick and thin

When I failed and hung my head your motivation wouldn’t let my ambition end

You pray for me and cook for me and transcend my spirits to a level that sex can never reach

Though far from perfect your are everything that I need

From you I’m learning it is more within , please dont change

Kunningham Part 2

You walked in my life and showed me what love really mean

The fact I get to be your man everyday feeling like a dream

You pray for me and I wouldn’t trade anything we have for the world.

One day I picture us married with a boy and girl

It’s something about your eyes where I fall in them and get lost for the day

You’re religious and believe in God and for us, you pray

You’re also ambitious as hell and Im in love watching you chase all your dreams

I’m beyond blessed and lucky

Untitled

This feeling I have with you I pray always last

You’re in my arms and my entire universe feels complete

I’ve been damaged by love but could care less about the past

Your love is all I need and once have a cold blind heart I can now see.

If love was a physical being it’ll be you

There nothing in this world for you I wouldn’t do

With you, by my side, I feel like I’m living a perfect love scene

And the connection is beyond physical because our connection is as natural as it seems

I get butterflies in my chest when I think of us

I’m cherishing every moment we have

I never knew I can feel so much joy in my life.

Fireworks on  South beach

Nothing but fireworks when we come together

I’m asking myself can this life get any better

Life by the beaching and traveling to me was never part of the plan

I’m only a country boy who really only been to Afghanistan

Now my perspective on life has changed

And I have you to thank for such a positive thing

Breakfast on Ocean Drive which I really only seen on cable

I’m still in disbelief we saw Justin Bieber walk across the table

I still remember you just yelling out of joy when it happened.

We even went to KOD to see Soulja boy who had the club in action

The strip wouldn’t let us sleep because everyone did nothing but walk and play tunes

We was taking everything in and barely hanging in the room.

I still laugh from snorkeling and getting pictures in the water

I’m still in shock that I thought the boat was moving the whole time when we were anchored and I thought it was leaving us and going further

The 4th of July you took the best picture at the right angle of time.

Memories with you that I’ll always cherish for a lifetime.

Love(Haiku)

Love is beautiful

Love is what you make me feel

I really love you

Untitled(Haiku)

A heart once shattered

Now it learned to love again

Oh what a feeling

This Breakup Series covers all the time we were broken up from mid relationships to the final one.  I remember being ate up throughout the years and this covers various periods of time and events I kept within my notes

Breakup Series(Part 3)

Before the final Breakup

Untitled

No matter what I do I can never get this love thing right

Now I’m up alone crying myself to sleep at night

I know I suck at expressing myself but I never wanted you to quit

Now I’m just here alone feeling like shit

I feel my world was just shattered and burned.

I know heartbreak is constantly in rotation but I didn’t want it to be my turn.

Breakup(Haiku)

What did I do now

I can never get love right

Life somehow goes on

Final Breakups

The Call(Breakup)

I remember getting told that things are over

And I didn’t react because my heart was unattached

No tears or remorse I took it like a Soldier

The heart beats on with afeeling that’ll never be matched

Love Lost PT 1

I was young & dumb and messed up my gift from God

She saw me as truth and I turned out to be a fraud

Its truth in the statement of not cherishing something until its gone

Since you walked out my life I feel all alone

I lost sleep with thoughts of you on my mind

Hoping that you show up in my dream from time to time

I still reminisce on just beyone together and driving and holding hands

I was just stressed from time to time but was happy I was your man

Then October came and that’s when I got the call

It’s over

Untiltled

I’m in a new state, new fate, and my world was just broken and it’s off for good

I’m so numb to life that I can even comprehend what happened

I want to call and talk and my gut is telling me I should

I’m just gone drink all this pain away noting is everlasting even love

Email

My heart is pounding and it’s been two years since we spoke.

I don’t even know if you’ll reply, the past two October I had this feeling where my spirits were broke

I have to express my thoughts and get them out my mind

I know the saying goes that wounds heal over time

I’ve retyped and read this email over and over and have yet to hit send

At times I wish this was just a dream and the situation was just pretend

I’ve prayed for someone like you and messed up in my blessing

I was too caught up in my ways of pride and stressing

Why is saying I’m sorry so hard to do

Why is there feeling that exists where I’m not over you

Why my heart is pounding just to send an email

Why do I have my emotions just bottled into one shell

“Send”

Untitled

I’m trying to apologize to just make peace

I don’t want this feeling of your hating me

3 and half years later I just want to come face to face for closure

But the person I once had isn’t there anymore and I feel like things are hopeless and over

I write to express myself I just want to clear up lies

I was honest and told you that hurt you cause me to lose sleep and didn’t want to see you cry

Any seed of hope can’t grow in bad soil

Now I’m sticking to myself only because any attempt now just makes your blood boil

Bruno Mars has a song I play on repeat titled when I was your man

The first time I heard it we were broken up at the time while watching a movie in Alexandria titled Think Like a Man

In the hook, he spoke nothing but truths and one of the lines that make my heart was just thoughts of us being able to dance

I pray one day we can just sit and have closure and one final chance to just enjoy each other company and end it all with one final farewell dance

May 26

........Peaceful

#poetry blogs

[6-v-6]

1-100. Just give it to me all

ALNLSNGLSG ARE YOU SERIOUS OMFG im so sorry this is going to be Long

1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? I’ll say Pandora just because it’s the only one I’ve actually ever used. If I used Spotify I’d probably like it the most but I don’t use those apps so

2. is your room messy or clean?VERY VERY MESSY I need to clean it but im lazy

3. what color are your eyes?Brown!

4. do you like your name? why?My birth name? No. And that’s why I changed it ahahahaha yes I like the name Jae since i chose it myself. It’s short and simple

5. what is your relationship status?Single 

6. describe your personality in 3 words or lessContradictory ....... Situational 

7. what color hair do you have?Currently it’s blue c: Natural color is a lightish brown

8. what kind of car do you drive? color?I don’t have a car nor a license :/ I want a motorbike tho ! a black one

9. where do you shop?I shop pretty much exclusively online. Buyma or Amazon, typically

10. how would you describe your style?I’ve been told that I dress like a “bad boy”. I like leather and black and ripped skinny jeans but I do like casual stuff too. Like hoodies and sweats

11. favorite social media accountIf this is talking about my own social media accounts, then this one right here on tumblr. I’m not very active anywhere else

12. what size bed do you have?uuuuhhhh I don’t know proper terminology but it is small

13. any siblings?Yup! I have an older sister and a younger brother

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?Japan probably? It’s super pretty and I’ve always wanted to visit

15. favorite snapchat filter?hmm I don’t use snapchat that much but probably the flower crown one it’s cute

16. favorite makeup brand(s)I don’t wear makeup tbh so i dunnooooo 

17. how many times a week do you shower?7 I don’t ever skip showering 

18. favorite tv show?Psych? I also like the 100 currently

19. shoe size?asglnasg... god .... im a 6 in mens nd like a 7 in womens i have small feet

20. how tall are you?ALNSLGNSG im trusting no one has read this far so it’s okay to disclose this info...exposin myself.. im 5′2″ ............

21. sandals or sneakers?Sneakers !! I don’t wear sandals like ever

22. do you go to the gym?Yes! Only recently, actually! I just bought a gym membership with my friend and we’ve been going 3 times a week c:

23. describe your dream dateoh geez I havent really thought about this? I’m not very romantic or anything (im on the ace spectrum) but... i dunno. I think it’d be nice to just have fun together. An amusement park maybe? And just a lot of hand holding and smiles

24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?Upwards of 100 bcuz my mom keeps giving me money even tho i dont use it

25. what color socks are you wearing?HAH im not wearing any 

26. how many pillows do you sleep with?1-2 it depends on the night

27. do you have a job? what do you do?I work at the cafeteria in my school. I run the register and help to stock items and also serve food to people

28. how many friends do you have?wow this is a Tragic question. Online I have quite a few! In person i literally have....... 2. Barely that lol. More like one

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done?Killed my sister’s fish (on accident)

30. whats your favorite candle scent?I’ve never thought about this or really smelled many candles to begin with :( something mild though. Maybe a mild vanilla??

31. 3 favorite boy namesuuhghg 1) Cain 2) Luka 3) Eden

32. 3 favorite girl names1) Erin 2) Rayna 3) Kira

33. favorite actor?I rly dont give a crap about actors if I’m being honest lmao. Uhh choi minho :)

34. favorite actress?Lupita Nyong’o?? she’s gorgeous

35. who is your celebrity crush?I don’t have a crush on him but does Lee Taemin count

36. favorite movie?Princess Mononoke

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?I read ff more than books these days. I don’t have a fav book

38. money or brains?is this what I prefer? Money binch if I had money I wouldn’t need brains also I’m dumb anyways 

39. do you have a nickname? what is it?No I do not

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?Twice? Maybe 3 times

41. top 10 favorite songscheck out shinee’s entire discography 

42. do you take any medications daily?Nope

43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)i ?? have no idea?? I guess oily? My skin doesn’t get dry so

44. what is your biggest fear?Probably flying. I hate planes

45. how many kids do you want?Exactly none

46. whats your go to hair style?? uh side-swept? I have no idea what to call it just what my hair normally looks like I guess

47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)A moderately sized house

48. who is your role model?Not to be cheesy but Lee Taemin also Kim Kibum also Choi Minho also Kim Jonghyun also Lee Jinki

49. what was the last compliment you received?that I’m great? lol

50. what was the last text you sent?’okay’ to my mom lmao

51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?ARE YOU TELLING ME SANTA ISNT REAL??? okay but for real who remembers the age they find out omg .. i was Young so idk maybe like 13

52. what is your dream car?ohhh boy a lambo for sure

53. opinion on smoking?Gross. Smells terrible

54. do you go to college?I do indeed. I’m gonna be a senior ya’ll

55. what is your dream job?To be a writer I guess. I don’t really have a dream job

56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?Suburbs? I dunno. I like living in the city I’d probably die of boredom in some rural area

57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?hell yea binch

58. do you have freckles?nope!

59. do you smile for pictures?Not for selfies but for other pictures yes I feel like it’s weird or rude not to

60. how many pictures do you have on your phone?like 300 something

61. have you ever peed in the woods?what the fuck?? lol?? no??

62. do you still watch cartoons?does voltron count :/

63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?neither if I’m being honest but Wendy’s I guess. I never ever eat at mcdonalds

64. Favorite dipping sauce?barbeque sauce?

65. what do you wear to bed?An oversized shirt and boxers lol

66. have you ever won a spelling bee?no i cant say I have

67. what are your hobbies?Writing, sometimes. Playing video games. Bein unhealthy

68. can you draw?Naaaah

69. do you play an instrument?No :( I wish I did but I never learned any

70. what was the last concert you saw?SHINEE WORLD V IN LA!!!!!!!!! BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!

71. tea or coffee?Coffee bcuz i h8 tea

72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?Well the coffee at dunkin donuts is worlds better so dunkin donuts

73. do you want to get married?no

74. what is your crush’s first and last initial?i dont have a crush

75. are you going to change your last name when you get married?’when’ lol i dont plan to get married

76. what color looks best on you?black, in my opinion

77. do you miss anyone right now?no not really

78. do you sleep with your door open or closed?open because if it’s closed my cat will scratch on it incessantly until she’s let in

79. do you believe in ghosts?hell yeah dude

80. what is your biggest pet peeve?when people like, dance around a subject. I prefer it when people are straightforward. Especially if they want something from me

81. last person you called`Honest to god I can’t remember. I don’t ever call people lmao so probably my mom

82. favorite ice cream flavor?I like Rocky Road a lot!

83. regular oreos or golden oreos?regular. Golden oreos are a lesser creation

84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?RAINBOW. GIMME DAT GAY SHIT

85. what shirt are you wearing?It’s just a plain white t-shirt

86. what is your phone background?ot5

87. are you outgoing or shy?Horribly, annoyingly shy although I can mask it pretty well

88. do you like it when people play with your hair?yes :D

89. do you like your neighbors?lmao I don’t know them?? They arent noisy though so yes I like them since they aren’t annoying or anything

90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?Both. I take a shower in the morning and wash it then. And then do a skincare routine at night

91. have you ever been high?no.... not that I know of. One time I took nyquil though and it Fucked Me Up i felt high but idk if I was or if that’s even possible

92. have you ever been drunk?nope. I’m not a huge fan of the idea of getting drunk. I don’t like letting my guard down like that so if I ever do it’ll be when I’m alone

93. last thing you ate?a mento 

94. favorite lyrics right nowthe entire lyrics to So Far Away by yoongi

95. summer or winter?WINTER. I hate summer fashion i like being able to wear my jackets and jeans and not Die of heat stroke

96. day or night?night I guess just bcuz I can be alone

97. dark, milk, or white chocolate?dark chocolate is superior in every way

98. favorite month?uhm.. December? Because its the end of the year and I’m on break then and Christmas and cold weather and hot chocolate

99. what is your zodiac signI’m a virgo 

100. who was the last person you cried in front of?uhhhHHHH I really make it a Goal to never cry in front of people since im just super uncomfortable with that and honestly dont feel comfortable enough around anyone to do that. My sister walked in on me when I was crying once though so her I guess

#im so sorry if you were joking omg #I couldn't tell #so I just went ahead and did them all #alsnglasngsg #long post #i tried to keep the answers as short as possible since there were so many #thank you though omg #sorry if this is Annoying #ns #r #marieguillotineantoinette

[batsysims]

100 QUESTIONS NO ONE ASKS

I was tagged by @tickledsims ty ily!!

1. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED? CLOSED when i was younger my little sister had a baby doll that would talk on its own at night and we called it the demon baby and hooooly shit

2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS? i dont take those bc my hair cant take cheap hair products but i do take the soaps!!

3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT? i put the mattress cover sheet thingy on my bed but i dont use an actual sheet :/

4. HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE? nah lol

5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT NOTES? YES i love using office supplies i could spend all day at staples omg

6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM? no lol but il save the lil receipt coupons and find them in my wallet months after they expire

7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES? hhhhh bees

8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES? yep!! i love them its why im scared to use foundation i dont wanna lose em

9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES? i either smile or if my moms takin the pic il make a stupid face 

10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? i have terrible road rage...... um........... i also hate it when men interrupt me i just walk away at that point 

11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK? yeah i pretty much count everything

12. HAVE YOU PEED IN THE WOODS? i dont think so??

13. HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS? def not lmao

14. DO YOU EVER DANCE EVEN IF THERES NO MUSIC PLAYING? i have an eating dance, a drinking dance, and a video game playing dance hahaa

15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS? yes ugh it annoys me but i cant stop

16. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK? at LEAST 0

17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED? i think its a single? a single or a twin either way im miserable send help

18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK? ummm probably You by Weird Milk?? its the most recent song i added on spotify so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

19. IS IT OK FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK? yeah def unless its one of those “real men wear pink shirts” like just.... stop

20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS? sometimes my sister makes me watch stevens universe?? il watch phineas and ferb too bc honestly who doesnt anime too but not always cartoon ones or w/e

21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE? 2001: A Space Odyssey and Daughters of the Dust come to mind

22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME? u kno where ;) no how big is the treasure?? if its a lil bit id put it in that drawer under the oven bc my family never uses that but if its BIG TREASURE id hide it in the backyard of the last house i lived in bc a. nobody lives there now and 2. its totally overrun with green bc of like two floods

23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER? water! only water ever

24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN? honey if theyre mcnuggets but other than that i use honey mustard!

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? chicky parm

26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE? honestly Inception is my feel-good movie

27. LAST PERSON, YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU? a lil babu

28. WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT? i was in girl scouts much longer than i ever wanted to be lmao WISH i coulda done BOY SCOUTS

29. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE? if cash is involved absolutely

30. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER? aboutttt three months ago!

31. CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A CAR? no but i can watch

32. EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET? when i first got my license yea :( 15 yr olds are dum

33. EVER RAN OUT OF GAS? twice! very good memories

34. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF SANDWICH? egg salad gud

35. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST? the all star breakfast at waffle house yasssss

36. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME? honestly like 9 since i always have to wake up at 7 in the am but il stay up til 11 if i can

37. ARE YOU LAZY? absolutely when have ACTIVE ppl done ANYTHING

38. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN? i was usually a cat bc i never could find a costume i liked smh but when i was 2 i went as winnie the pooh lmao

39. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN? ox!

40. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK? just english but im tryna learn spanish and japanese and im fluent in french if a two year olds speech patterns can be considered as such

41. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS? nah

42. WHICH ARE BETTER: LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS? LEGOS lincoln logs are big with nostalgia thoooo

43. ARE YOU STUBBORN? with dumb shit yeah but i usually just dont care enough abt stuff to deal

44. WHO IS BETTER: LENO OR LETTERMAN? theyre both old idc

45. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS? no lol

46. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? not really tbh i like the adrenaline

47. DO YOU SING IN THE CAR? if im alone!! nobody deserves to hear that

48. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? nahhh

49. DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR? when im in the drive thru haaaa

50. EVER USED A GUN? id like to go to a shooting range some time but ive never used one im also very anti gun so i probs would never buy one unless it was a cute lil glock i can handle well

51. LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER? st patricks day it wasnt technically for me tho

52. DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY? not in general but when ppl start obsessing over a certain one for months on end abt a certain time period and certain performers and certain songs and certain people of history i start wanting ppl to die

53. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL? YEAH I NEVER HAVE MONEY WTF

54. EVER EAT A PIEROGI? my sisters obsessed with them so yea but never like. authentic polish potato pockets or anything just a frozen box of em

55. FAVORITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE? apple?? im not rly into pie tbh

56. OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID? ive wanted to go into law enforcement/criminology my whole life!! for a sec i wanted to be a firefighter, a journalist/writer/poet, and some sort of artist but u know how kids are

57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? i tried to find that clip from malcolm in the middle for like ten mins but i couldnt yea

58. EVER HAVE A DEJA-VU FEELING? doesnt everyone tho?

59. DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY? no im a bad adult

60. DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS? nah

61. DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE? im not rich!!

62. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED? usually just my undies but when im living with other people il wear a soft shirt and my dc heroes pajama bottoms ayyy

63. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT? ive never been to one! i was gonna go see metallica in baltimore but i moved before i could smh

64. WALMART, TARGET, OR KMART? walmart sry targets cool but too much money!!! i go there for home things tho does kmart still exist

65. NIKE OR ADIDAS? ADIDAS ive been trying to get a full adidas tracksuit for YEARS

66. CHEETOS OR FRITOS? fritos! i like the super hot cheetos tho

67. PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS? peanutsssss

68. EVER HEAR OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN? Nope but they must be good im keepin @tickledsims response bc it made me laugh

69. EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS? when i was a lil babu i took ballet and gymnastics a lil later

70. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING? i hope to never have a spouse  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

71. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? yep

72. EVER WON A SPELLING BEE? ive actually never even had a spelling bee im sure theyre a myth

73. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY? i think so??

74. OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS? nah

75. OWN A RECORD PLAYER? nahhhhh

76. DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE? no but i had a roommate who did i fell in love

77. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? yeah ok lol so one time when i was a sophomore my french teacher had to use a substitute teacher and hes the reason i believe in love at first sight im STILL in love with him wtf ive also had a bf haha im hilarious

78. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT? i dont really do concerts so i couldnt say but i think matd would be fun!!

79. WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW? oh my god

80. HOT TEA OR COLD TEA? hot!!!!

81. TEA OR COFFEE? coffee!!!!!!

82. SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES? i dont rly like either but i prefer snickerdoodles over sugar

83. CAN YOU SWIM WELL? i can only do that weird frog swim i forget what its called so no im shit at it

84. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE? ye

85. ARE YOU PATIENT? if im able to distract myself?? it also depends on the severity of what im waiting on i guess

86. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING? probs a band i guess i dont rly think abt that kinda stuff sry

87. EVER WON A CONTEST? when i was four i won a coloring contest at the ice cream store

88. HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY? nope im poor 89. WHICH ARE BETTER: BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES? both are good!

90. CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET? i can knit but i cant crochet

91. BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE? fckn bathroom

92. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED? not rly unless its a partnership longlasting romance stresses me out especially with financial responsibility etc

93. IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? -20 years

94. WHO WAS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH? my high school boyfriend hahaaa h,,,,

95. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY? im an adult sry

96. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? 1!

97. DO YOU WANT KIDS? nope! lmao i love her tho

98. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? red but i also like many others??? idk

99. DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW? ummm not rly?? im not close enough to anyone to miss them and those i am close to im able to hang with

100. WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TAG TO DO THIS TAG NEXT? god uhhh if you havent done it already and want to, @dreambot @nebula-simms @ellowynsims and @pixelbloom

#tag challenge #nonsims #ty lol that was fun

[dimsumdamsel]

92 truths that you dont really need to know about me but im gonna tell you anyway ! !

rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. at the end, choose 25 people to tag!

tagged by: @slavshiro ohoo THANK YOU ILY

LAST… [1] drink: water [2] phone call: my mom just called me to tell me to turn the stove on [3] text message: the love of my life, sonia!!! [4] song you listened to:  말이야 (I Mean That) by CLC!!! quality song  [5] time you cried:  dec 8 when i thought i only got 10/60 on my calc final cause i had an anxiety attack in the middle of it and called my cousin on her birthday and cried to her about being worthless and how my parents deserve a better daughter, one more like my successful brother :^) i havent cried since then because im even more dead than ive ever been :^)

HAVE YOU EVER… [6] dated someone twice: nope, i dont want to relive any of my past relationships; i mean it ended for a reason so? but maybe for a future relationship if it comes to it?? theres still an extremely low chance of it happening though lol  [7] been cheated on: not that i know of but probably not [8] kissed someone and regretted it: ksjngkejrnkgne yeah, elementary school with isaiah mike lmao what a mistake  [9] lost someone special: mmmm not recently  [10] been depressed: i’m honestly not sure– like its not bad enough to where i would need medicine but i do feel down, empty, and find it hard to be happy a lot?? its mostly cause of school but baHhhhahaH yikes dog pictures never fail to cheer me up though [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: im a good girl, i dont plan on drinking until im legally allowed to lmao even than, i probably would still be reluctant 

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] orange (orange clothes are ugly though) [13] cream / white !  [14] dark blues ! 

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: sweats honestly no, i havent made any new friends for a couple years now? i mean i met people form key club but i dont talk to them often  [16] fallen out of love: i guess  [17] laughed until you cried: i think so  [18] found out someone was talking about you: yO SO MY FRIEND TOLD ME TODAY THAT SOMEONE I DATED KEEPS TELLING MY OTHER FRIEND THAT HE MISSED ME AND honestly get over me please, like its been like what nine months now and youre not going to get anywhere with mulling in the past? dont bother other people about this because they dont want to hear it.  [19] met someone who changed you: NOT IN THE PAST YEAR KFKNDFKE [20] found out who your true friends are: i never have fake friends? like even if they wanted to gain something from me there would be nothing to get lmao [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: nAH

GENERAL… [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: probably a little more than three fourths [23] do you have any pets: i have a six inch fish, my dad has a six inch fish, and my mom has two smaller three inch fish (the ones my dad and i own are at least five years old now and the ones my mom has are less than a year old) [24] do you want to change your name: nope, my parents chose it for me and i want to honor that, plus i dont think any other names would suit me  [25] what did you do for your last birthday: i went out to eat kbbq with sonia and then stayed home for the rest of the day !!!!! thank you sonia ohoo i would’ve just spent it doing nothing wihtout you kjngkjer [26] what time did you wake up: 6:30 am [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: dinking around on my phone probably [28] name something you cannot wait for: short term: the week to end, long term: owning a dog  [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: 3 minutes ago  [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i was more confidant about myself and my ability to do things  [31] what are you listening to right now: good luck by aoa [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: i know a tommy??  [33] something that is getting on your nerves: :3 [34] most visited website: “tinklr dot hell” [35] elementary: i miss my elementary school friends : ( [36] high school: fuck the counselors  [37] college: high school + more crying honestly, i like it though, i feel more free (at least in the running start program lmao) im waiting to see if UW seattle and bothell want me next year though and i really want to die at the though of them not accepting me cause i’ll just be an even bigger disappointment to my family lol  [38] hair color: dark brown but a chestnut-ish color in the sun (i really want to dye my hair so its that chestnut color all the time though) [39] long or short hair: i like short hair but i currently have long hair thats three or four inches under my armpits, i plan on cutting it soon though [40] do you have a crush on someone: no serious ones, just the “wow he smiled at me “ and “gOd he held the door for me i am Snatched” kind of little crushes [41] what do you like about yourself?: i like that i was able to make good friends [42] piercings: ears [43] blood type: B+ i think– not completely sure if im + or - but i know its B for sure [44] nickname: none, just pet names from sonia and jiejie by gil ohoo [45] relationship status: single and not really looking for anything, i just want a dog [46] zodiac sign: sagittarius [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show: i surprisingly have a lot of favorite american shows like bones, psych, monk, criminal minds, leverage, saving hope, pushing daisies, ghost whisperer, basically all shows on ion tv minus law&order, then theres gravity falls and bobs burger, and then a bunch of animes and dramas [49] tattoos: none but ive always wanted one either on my wrist or inner arm ! [50] right or left handed: right handed

FIRST… [51] surgery: never  [52] piercing: ears [53] best friend: lisa! we’ve literally known each other since we were born and shes always going to be my favorite cousin and one of my best friends [54] sport: track  [55] vacation: dont remember very well?? i saw some vcr tapes of us going to disney in 2001 though [56] pair of trainers: ive never had any trainers, just running shoes?? i had small red sandals that squeaked whenever i walked when i was a kid though 

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nothing [58] drinking: water (ive been drinking so much water lately but i’m always thirsty so i lowkey think theres something wrong with me) [59] i’m about to: knock out  [60] listening to:  情歌王 by leo ku (its like a compilation of classic love songs thats 13 minutes long but i could sing the entire thing karaoke style easily)  [61] waiting for: death  [62] want: to not disappoint my parents, my friends, or myself anymore  [63] get married: eventually i guess  [64] career: student, scribe/visual interpreter/reader/proctor for my college’s DSS 

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: hugs !  [66] lips or eyes: eyes ! ! which is funny cause making eye contact with people makes me Uncomfortable  [67] shorter or taller: taller please, im tired of being the taller friend and i want to feel small for once  [68] older or younger: older, i’ve had enough with younger guys lmao  [69] romantic or spontaneous: romantic but spontaneous is good too  [70] nice arms or nice stomach: arms i guess  [71] sensitive or loud: sensitive?? [72] hook up or relationship: relationship wtf i dont even get how hook ups work alright  [73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant lmao 

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? no what the heck [75] drank hard liquor? nope  [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? lost contacts (which sucks cause i wear hard contacts since they cant make soft ones with my prescription and only replace them once a year, thankfully i can use the ones from previous years) but never glasses  [77] turned someone down: no  [78] sex on first date? yikes no  [79] broken someone’s heart? ya but it was for the best [80] had your own heart broken? ya but i was never that sad about it [81] been arrested? no oml i sweat every time i see cop cars [82] cried when someone died? no one close to me has died so far, but i def cried at the ladies’ code car accident  [83] fallen for a friend: nope 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? i want to  [85] miracles? yes but i have yet to witness any [86] love at first sight? mmmm to a certain extent– i think its mostly based on looks but when you get to know them that when the real love happens [87] santa claus? used to exist probably  [88] kiss on the first date? depends  [89] angels? yeah, why not 

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: sonia del casal : ) [91] eye colour: dark brown [92] favourite movie: listen ive watched your name (kimi no na wa) a grand total of sixteen (16) times and i could still watch it another ten times (i love to suffer)

tagging @sweet-hunny, @hideous-kojimmies , @panda-p-king, @puervy , @otonai , @izumiiz , @hxanns , anyone cause yikes i dont know very many people

#no need to actually do it if i tagged to too btw #its just for fun and whatever #thank you for tagging me again though ohohohoh ily #dimsums demise

[forebodingowl]

ok ok ok. today. actually woke up at 8:30 a.m., i’m so proud of myself. lounged a little bit but then got myself ready and then went on a call with my psychiatrist. it was only like 15 minutes and i like them a lot, they’re very chill. then i ate breakfast and did my makeup, which took like an hour. my skin is still soooooo bad, but i’m adding in using tea tree oil at night and in the morning after all my face wash and exfoliation. it burns so good. just kidding, i got some in my eye and the burning is very, very bad. 

SO THENNN I took a bunch of selfies and some sexy ones for my partner Asa, and he *EGAD* changed his lockscreen on his phone to one of the selfies I took....... So, Mr. “before this goes any further, i only want this to be friends with benefits” clearly .... thinks about me way deeper than that if he wants to look at me every time he opens his phone. It made my heart burst. Flutter. I remember that feeling. The feeling of being in love. I HATE IT, I just got out of a long beautiful 3 year relationship, and I’m already falling in love with my FwB. great. it’s his fault though, he clearly is in love with me too. hehehe. 

i opened up tinder because i had been in really long long long conversations with this girl Tabi i always had a crush on who i knew from instagram. I havent talked to her in a month but i think that’s understandable with all the shit that’s been going on with me recently. even though its been a long time, she wanted to still talk, and now we talk on facebook messenger! she shared with me about recently coming out to her friends about her assault, changing her major to law when she decided she wanted to help represent LGBTQ+ clients in court, and about how she suddenly realized she has witch/psychic powers that have been in her bloodline for generations... brujeria! she’s latina. So we hit it right the fuck off again.... ANDDDD she’s an artist who teaches herself! WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. she also has a chronic illness, and she’s soooooo cute and thicc. she’s married but they’re poly. could care less about the dude but i’d love to be friends with tabi and give her a bunch of kisses someday! she lives in R.I., so she’s a little drive but she says its only 40 minutes and she doesnt mind <3 

speaking of friends, i’ll be able to see Berquis soon. she’s a sweetheart. i’d love to be a better/closer friend to her. 

another thing that happened today. i ordered 6 rolls of sushi for only $20, and it came with two side salads. i munched on that all day and night, so it was lunch, dinner, and snacks. i have a HORRIBLE belly ache right now though and it must be from all the sushi.

after lunch i started working on a new self-portrait of myself. because the last one i drew was about 6 months ago now. i want to complete a new one to mark my progress in art, and see what has changed. its really frustrating me right now because i cant get the jawline or the eyes quite right.... since i wear really thick eyeliner i wanted that to come across in my drawing, and it just keeps making me look asian, which i do NOT want, so i keep making my eyes droopier since i have sad eyes, and then they still look asian but droopy. so i’m just gonna have to look at a few more art tutorials. 

then arielle and i decorated our disgusting aspic creation from the other day, took beautiful pictures with it and of it, and made our final video for the series of her tasting it. it is absolutely horrible, then we both watched Princess Mononoke for the first time together! I wish there was more demon arm action because i’m a 12 year old boy and i love that shit, but it was an old anime so it was much slower paced. i liked it but it was hard to pay attention at some points. then we watched some sabrina the teenage witch, i over-edited our gross aspic creation photos until it looked like a beatuiful piece of art, and then i got ready for bed and showered and everything and look at me now, i’m lying in bed typing this huge journal! i didn’t feel like i did much today but after typing this all out i can see that i did. 

OH AND MY SCHOOL GOT BACK TO ME, i have to pay them up front to finish my classes. either cash, check, or alternative loan, or financial aid package unrelated to my school. obviously i can’t do that right now. i’m honestly caring less and less about that degree every day. it seems more and more out of reach that i’ll ever be a therapist. i’d love to be a group therapist. maybe i can do it when i’m old. i’ll finally be financially secure enough to get my education in order and i can lead some group therapy sessions. it sounds like a nice plan. 

my stomach hurts sooooooo fucking bad from the sushi, too much spicy salmon, ahhhhhh! 

alright till next time. love ya girlie xoxo

#journal