#life is fucking miserable and it will and can get better but i could not tell you shit about what thatd look like and who will be there

[milswrites]

My Beautiful Girls

~ Cassian x Single!MumReader

Summary: An anxious Cassian meets your daughter for the first time.

Warnings: Fluffy goodness

Notes: For the ultimate Cassian girly @sarawritestories

"Hi, I'm Cassian. It's nice to meet you!"

The Illyrian General smiled crookedly as he spoke, clammy hands trembling around the flowers trapped within his steel-like grip.

"Fuck . . . fuck . . . Come on Cas, you can do better than that."

Slowly unfurling his wings, Cassian lightly shook them in the hope of brushing away his steadily growing nerves.

"Breathe Cas, breathe" the male exhaled deeply, rolling back his tense shoulders before locking his determined eyes onto the closed door in front of him, "Hi, I'm Cassian! I've heard so much about you!"

A groan of frustration tore from Cassian's lips, shoulders slumping in dejection as he miserably dropped the flowers to his side.

Cassian had seen his fair share of carnage, having stared death in the face a plethora of times and still lived to tell the tale. Yet no battle, nor life-threatening experience, could have prepared him for the terror he felt in this moment.

The great Lord of Bloodshed riddled with fear at the prospect of meeting your sweet little girl, so only for her not to like him.

It was almost laughable, thinking back to how confident he was when you had first brought up the topic of him meeting your daughter. Cassian recalled flashing you a toothy grin, eyes bright and laugh carefree as he promised you that all children loved him. He was, after all, Nyx's favourite uncle.

Yet now, standing before the door to your home, Cassian wondered if he would ever find the courage to enter. Every possibility as to how this introduction could go wrong festered in the male's worrisome mind, until his poisonous thoughts left his wings twitching with the desire to fly away and hide from his fears.

But Cassian couldn't bring himself to flee, not if it meant losing you.

So here he stood, the icy winter air uncomfortably nipping at his wind-kissed cheeks, rehearsing exactly what it was he would say to your daughter when he first met her. Seeking to gain back some control in the face of his uncertain future.

Adamant that he would not be the one to ruin the one good thing in his life, Cassian drew in a long shaky breath before trying again, "Hi sweetheart, I'm so glad I get to finally meet you."

"Right back at you gorgeous"

If the sight of the Illyrian General practicing a mental script to recite to your five year old daughter didn't bring you to the brink of laughter, seeing the way he startled at your sudden appearance did.

Cassian stumbling backwards as you pulled open your door to great him, cheeks flushing a deep rouge as though you had just caught him in a compromising position.

It was only once your laughter had subsided, and the low grumblings of embarrassment from the male's lips had ceased, were you then able to greet him. Your warm lips coming to meet his own frozen ones in a soft kiss, the action working to further deepen Cassian's flustered blush.

An impatient shout from inside pulled you from your kiss, a light chuckle leaving both of your lips as you quickly glance inside to where your daughter was waiting, "She's been talking about this all day you know? I've never brought anyone home to meet her before, she's really excited."

Your gaze falls to Cassian who was drawing in deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself. Concern pooling in your eyes as you watched how his lips were stretched into an anxious smile which failed to meet his eyes.

"Hey, there's nothing to worry about," you reassured your partner, moving a soothing hand to rest against his cheek, "she'll love you just as much as I do."

Appreciation swam in Cassian's eyes, a soundless thank you falling from his lips before he raised a bouquet for you to take. Or rather two bouquets.

"For you and Evelyn" he nervously mumbled, awkwardly shuffling his feet as he waited for you to take the flowers, "I wanted to get her something nice but . . . I'm not actually sure what five year old's like."

"They're beautiful Cas" you spoke, tears of joy lined your eyes at the male's generosity as you placed a gentle kiss onto his cheek in thanks.

"Are you ready?" you asked whilst stepping aside, making space for Cassian to squeeze himself through your doorway, the male having to curl his wings in tightly in order to fit through the smaller entrance.

"Come on, bat boy. It's time for you to meet your new best friend."

Placing the flowers down onto a nearby console, you led Cassian through your home, softly calling out to Evelyn as you approached the room she was playing in, "Evie, there's someone here to see you."

The sound of tiny feet padding across the floor followed your words, Cassian curiously moving his gaze to the entrance of the room as he waited for your daughter to emerge.

Only his eyes didn't quite catch her face as the small girl barrelled right into the skirt of your dress, shyly hiding within the flowing material of your skirt. "Come on Eves" you encouraged warmly, a tender hand coming to rest against her back, "Aren't you going to say hello?"

A little head tentatively peered over the fabric of your dress, Evelyn's eyes widening as she took in Cassian's wings which imposingly filled the space of your corridor. The nervous girl squeaked a small hello in the General's direction before moving to hide behind the safety of your body once more.

Worried that his wings were too intimidating, Cassian drew them in tightly, bending his knees in order to lower himself to Evelyn's level before greeting the shy girl, "Hi Evie, I'm Cassian." The male allowed a bright smile to cross his face as he watched your daughter's curious eyes peer over the skirt of your dress at his introduction, "Your mum has told me everything about you."

Wanting to aid Cassian who was growing increasingly panicked at the prospect of having to break the ice with your timid daughter, you bent down to speak to her, "How about we go into the room so you can show Cassian your toys hmm?" With a sheepish nod, Evelyn takes your hand, hesitantly moving out from behind your skirt in order to lead you into the living room.

Cassian followed suit, standing from his crouch before moving to the door, only to be unpleasantly surprised upon discovering he was unable to fit through the small wooden frame. His large wings blocking him from entering the room.

Curling them in tighter, the male tried again, attempting to walk into the room once more only to be stopped by the thud of his wings against either side of the doorframe. Just as a frustrated curse was about to tumble from Cassian's lips, a melodic laugh pulled him from his anger.

And Cassian could have sworn it was the sweetest sound he had ever heard.

There stood Evelyn, in the middle of your living room, clutching her stomach as she laughed to her hearts content at Cassian's unfortunate situation.

It was impossible for him to be angry, Cassian's brows unfurrowing at the beautiful sound of her laughter, a deep chuckle of his own breaking from his mouth as he watched the young girl giggle. Love already growing in his eyes as Cassian wished to bottle the sound of her joy.

"Evie," you started in-between your cackling, "Why don't you help poor Cas get in?"

It took all his effort for Cassian not to melt when Evelyn padded over to him, cheeks still rosy from her laughter, and held out a tiny hand for him to take.

Making sure to move his wings into a position that would enable him to enter the room, Cassian took Evelyn's hand which was dwarfed by his own, allowing the girl to pull him into the room.

"My hero" Cassian sweetly grinned, crouching down to place a delicate kiss onto the back of your daughter's hand, "Either I'm going to need some smaller wings or your mum's going to have to get a bigger door."

Another round of giggles fell from Evelyn's lips at his words, her little hand still tucked into Cassian's palm, the girl shaking her head as she quietly spoke, "I like your wings just the way they are."

"Thank you" Cassian replied with a smile, cheeks dusting with a pink blush at her sweet compliment. "I like your dress" he replied, coming to lightly poke Evelyn's button nose which earned him an excitable squeal from the girl before her face adorably scrunched into a picture of curiosity.

"Can . . . can I touch them?" Evelyn shyly asked. Her question being met with sounds of protest from you, knowing just how sensitive Illyrian wings can be. Yet Cassian's answer surprised you, the male telling the girl yes without even an ounce of hesitation.

"Here" he softly spoke, taking Evelyn's hand which was still wrapped in his own and moving it towards a spot on his wing he knew wasn't as sensitive as the others.

Not wanting Cassian to feel obliged to do this just to keep your daughter happy you protested once more, "Cas you don't have to-"

"I don't mind sweetheart"

And as Evelyn's hand came to lightly press against the membrane of his wing, Cassian couldn't stop the spark of joy he felt at seeing the young girl smile. Knowing in his heart that despite this being their first introduction, the General would do anything and everything within his power to ensure your daughter's happiness.

It took everything in you not to cry at the sight of Cassian sating your daughter's curiosity. At the dazzling smile which was painted across his face as he looked at Evelyn with such love. A type of love you had only hoped she would one day get to experience, the love that only a father could provide.

“Can I mama? Can I please?” Evelyn’s begging voice broke you from your thoughts.

“Can you what sorry sweetheart?” You ask, wondering exactly what it was that left your daughter so eager for an answer.

“Can we go flying? Please, please, pleaseeee.”

Cassian grinned at you wickedly from behind where Evelyn was stood, shrugging his shoulders as he mimicked your daughter’s pleading tone, “Please mama, we promise we’ll be good!”

As you flatly stared between Cassian’s smirking face and Evelyn’s equally mischievous smile you silently cursed yourself, scoffing in disbelief at the fact Cassian had known your daughter for under an hour and had already pulled her into his troublesome ways.

Praying to the mother for the strength you are going to need for the restless days ahead.

It had been an evening to remember for Evelyn, Cassian having been more than willing to occupy her until the late hours of the night. Bed-time forgotten as the two of them played and played until Evelyn was no longer able to keep her eyes open no matter how hard she tried.

Your daughter sprawled across yours and Cassian’s lap as the three of you cuddled on the sofa. It didn’t take much longer for you to follow suit and join Evelyn in her dreaming, eyes drifting closed as Cassian’s warmth pulled you into an inviting slumber.

Cassian was more than content to sit and watch the two of you sleep, lip curling at the soft snores which escaped from Evelyn’s mouth.

And as Cassian lay there with the two of you safely tucked within the sanctuary of his arms, he wondered if this was what he had been missing all of his life. For being here, surrounded by the small family you had built for yourself, Cassian could have sworn that his heart had grown two sizes bigger.

So as he stayed awake, scared of missing out on a single moment, Cassian whispered into the silence of the night. A hushed prayer for whoever was listening.

“Thank you” a soft smile graced his lips, “For bringing me my beautiful girls.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Notes: Ahhhh I love them so much 🥹

If you want to see any more of them and have an ideas for what it is you want please do feel free to send in some requests because I totally wouldn’t mind writing more about this little family 🥹

#acotar #fanfic #acotar imagine #sarah j maas #a court of thorns and roses #cassian oneshot #cassian fic #cassian imagine #cassian x reader #cassian

[brittlebutch]

it's actually so fascinating to me that Brennan has created a character that maintains a pretty relaxed and mild-mannered demeanor and has said multiple times that the absolute Core of her is "FEAR" and how often we see this Fear manifest specifically in Avoidance; it really nails a relationship to that mentality where your brain fully Stops recognizing the emotion properly out of like, sheer self-defense from the stress of having to carry it all the time

I think this is also perfectly showcased in the way we tend to see Tula swing so suddenly from 'level and steady' to 'snarling Panic' and then back again - Just because your brain has detached itself from the Conscious Recognition of the emotion doesn't mean it can Actually stop itself from experiencing it. So the Fear is always there and always acting as a stressor, but because of that inability to Identify it there's no way to recognize or address it before that final straw hits and your bodymind jumps Straight into Full Meltdown Mode; but then once again, once you drop even a Little bit below that Peak Terror your brain ceases to process the emotion; it's like the most exhausting form of Poor Object Permanence in the world

And even if Tula is aware of this happening to her, that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with / address. Even if you're able to spot the symptoms Around the emotion -- chest pain, irritation, nausea, whatever -- because the Emotion Itself is basically impossible to find, you can't really Successfully Pin Down what the problem is OR a way to cope with it. If you can't figure out That You Are Anxious, then figuring out What Is Making You Anxious is impossible, which makes Find A Way To Make Peace With That incomprehensible. That's where the Avoidance comes in: you can no longer identify what might be a Dangerous Situation, which means that Anything New has a big potential to be Really Bad in a variety of ways (ranging "I don't Feel Good" to "Fully Lashing Out bc you've entered Fight/Flight and can't get out of it" to "Actual Outside Danger This Time") and that means the Only Way you know how to be Safe is to just Avoid Doing Anything New and Only stick to Familiar Situations, because anything unfamiliar is a monster of a gamble you don't know how to prepare for or cope with

#N posts stuff #one could argue ‘we see tula worry a lot tho’ but that’s bc Worry is an Action that can occur Separately from Recognizing Anxiety #now that I know tumblr will put a hard cap on your tags w/o telling you i'm resigning myself to posting rambling meta in post body #but i'm not happy about it; anyway i love how often life is full of Coincidences bc this is something I've Finally identified in myself #like. This Month. like this is brand new articulation for some of the problems i have in life; again knowing this doesn't help lmao #bc even when you know to look Around the shape of the emotion - like 'oh my face is Snarling rn. i'm probably experiencing Something' #like i said bc you don't know What that something is OR What might have caused it then the only solution you Ever get to come up with #is just 'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else' which INVARIABLY means that you will wind up in that same situation again #and Still have no idea how to handle it bc you never could figure out what caused it so you don't know how to handle it any better than #'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else'; so 'be somewhere else' is the ONLY way you can ever think to Help it #which usually invariably turns into 'Just Avoid Fucking Everything just in case'; which doesn't work! bc life doesn't let you do that #so then it's just a cycle of falling into the same pitfalls and feeling miserable all the time; gotta love it :) #if you're like me this also gives you Bad Bad Bad Memory bc your brain will Promptly hide evidence of Scary Situation instinctively #like 3 weeks ago this dude ran a red light and almost t-boned me Full Speed & managed to stop like. maybe 3 feet away. #and i like. Startled Laughed and said 'that was scary' and then within 30 seconds i had Fully Forgotten it happened & only remembered #like 2 days ago. Ha! believe it or not this Does Not Help with 'How can I Address the Problem instead of Avoiding It Entirely?' #dimension 20 #d20: stupendous stoats #tula #d20lb

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#shout out to my nana for saying my dad spends money like water #my dad who struggles with the idea of spending money bc of obsessive compilation thoughts but is making an effort #bc whats the point of saving up all your life just to die. nana? my dad whose wife is literally dying of cancer and is beginning to circle #the drain so hes deciding he wants to start spending his retirement money now while shes still alive. u old witch. Jesus christ. my mum #isnt gonna live forever. shes getting her bladder removed in February i think. imo ill just b happy if she lives past the end of my 5year #program. like holy fuck. i mean. its not really nanas fault. she probably has 0cd and probably has 0cpd. but like this is y u wanna try to #get better. so you dont grow into a miserable old fuck whose family hates u bc ur awful and killing ur husband thru ur illness. just saying #as someone whose can see their own behaviors mirrored in her. this is y i cant go on like this lol #hopefully i hit my rock bottom last year. ugh. i just wish i could sleep. when im not super depressed i cant seem to get a normal amount of #sleep and im exhausted all afternoon. im awake at night and early in the morning. it makes me nauseous too. insomnia i guess #but ive always slept rather little. maybe it was compulsive and now im just old and cant take it #hate it. wish it would stop but at least i dont feel like dying anymore i guess. im guessing the meds r exacerbating thr sleep issues if not #causing it. ugh symptom management i guess #unrelated

[skinnypaleangryperson]

How cocky and playful and boyish Rick is is always such an instant swoon ❤️❤️ the eyebrow raise and that smirk. I hoard them like a goblin

#rick and morty #rick sanchez #my life is a literal traumatizing hell #I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I am the most miserable piss fuck all that has ever existed or will ever exist #I am and have always been the most miserable paralyzed person alive behind understsnfung #truly and behind #I don’t know how people think or live #I take the comfort where I can #*too many trauma days alone while everyone acts like mean children #am I even in the same planet as most of you? #are we the same species? #I don’t think that anyone could ever comprehend or feel the pain that I feel #I would give literally anything to open up at social media often to feel like people understand the way it feels #Constant social isolation and emotional abuse and pain and suffering that comes with being in the human race #it’s beyond intolerable #it will never get better or has ever been better

[im2tired4usernames]

My parents should be fuckin ashamed

#you borrow 80 bucks then can only find me 21 back then i put that 21 into good for your kids then spend the rest of my paycheck getting #diapers pull ups medicine more food for kids and then i fill up the 15 passenger van and then when dad asks why i don't have money to eat #on my lunchbreaks at work like I'm some over spending wild irresponsible bitch when he's the one going to concerts and paying for fancy dat #s and jewelry for his gf and buying groceries for her but you know it's fine #take all my time and energy #so that i literally am a zombie and fall asleep on the very very very limited free time i get #(after doin extra chores to earn said free time) #wo that i fall asleep half way in which isn't fair to my partner and isn't fair to me #take all my income so i cant afford anything #take all my time #take all my energy #YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED YOU GROOMED ME AND MESHED THE FAMILY'S ENTIRE LIFE STYLE FOR ME TO BE LIKE THIS #I CANT MAKE HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS BECAUSE I JUST CAN NOT FUNCTION IF I'M NOT GIVING EVERYTHING TO SOMEONE #IT SUCKS I HATE IT #THEY'LL NEVER ADMIT THEY FUCKED ME OVER #EVER #THEY'LL NEVER DO ANYTHING TO FIX IT OR CHANGE #AND I HAVE NO HOPE FOR ANY CHANGES #MY LITTLE SIBLINGS SEE WHAT I DO FOR THEM AND THEY HUG ME AND TELL ME HOW MUCH THEY LIVE ME #'thank you so much for taking care of us' that tell me all the time 'you do so much for us' #it breaks my heart i wish i could give them the world i love them so much they deserve so much better #my mom lost her chance to be decent my dad better learn soon otherwise all his kids minus his favorite will hate him #i love ny parents #and i know they live me and my siblings #but they groomed me into the most miserable personification of elder daughter syndrome and they should be ashamed for what they've done #and be ashamed that they sucked so bad that they're own child had to step up

[anothermouse]

I find it weird how ppl will say for reasons that systems are fake is that multiple alters talk similar or have similar interests. Have u ever met siblings. They talk similar and have similar interests because they've spent years together ya dork, as systems start to get along more they're gonna start sharing more interests and speech patterns just like you with people you spend a lot of time with lol. Also they all share a life, they have to be able to act like each other to get by and seem "normal."

#this isnt directed ive just noticed that me and willow steal each others interests a lot and its making me think abt all the ppl ive seen #using that reasoning in fake claiming. me and her dont really talk similar but i can imagine that happening with systems who #talk to each other or mask as each other more. #idk. its to our best interest to share skills and interests. if only one person likes/knows writing then we have a problem when we need to #write and they're not present. if only one person likes/knows guitar we're in big trouble in guitar class if they're not present. #and we NEED to get along to operate so its good for us to have things to bond over! we used to argue a lot and it was fucking annoying and #made life hard. i couldnt take care of the body and willow was depressed and it made the brain miserable and it sucked #so the more we can get along the better and i think having things in common is good for that! #like i said we dont really talk the same and for us that works just fine but for some systems that could create communication barriers. #idk. i just think ppl should think a little more about why alters might become similar over time. me and my cohost r literally like family #system #osdd #did #multiple #plural #edit: actually maybe i do pick up speech from her. she says 'my friend' a lot and sometimes im tempted to say it cus its nice #but i feel like it sounds weirder coming from me 😅 #OH AND LOVELY. she uses the word lovely so much ive just picked it up. its such a good adjective #idk why usually you expect the host to be the one whos language people copy but i feel like i pick up things from willow more than she does #from me.

[orcelito]

I always get so angry but then I play video games and I'm no longer so angry

This is a problem when it comes to wanting to leave my shit ass job

#speculation nation #i was absolutely ranting with my coworker about this shit #if either of us leave we're both going. straight up. #boss was threatening to fire them and im like. if he does? im quitting on the fucking spot. #i dont have a job lined up yet but im gonna start seriously looking #and if it comes down to it i dont think itll take too long for me to find Something. not with my qualifications. #might not be the best paying job right away but so long as i have Something & it doesnt make me utterly miserable #itd still be better than this fucking shithole. #i used to love this place but everything has soured because of him. #ive toughed it out for Far too fucking long. and ive finally reached the end of my Fucking Rope. #8 years total of my life ive given to this store. but no more. #it's not a matter of 'if'. it's a matter of 'when'. #and once we leave at least 2 of the other seasoned employees will be leaving. #4 out of 6 of the fully trained drink makers. gone. #and the other 2 are leaving at the end of this semester Anyways. #so what are ya gonna do Boss Man? if our labor has really been that worthless to you then surely this will be no big deal! #right? right? right? from how youve treated us it's clear! it's clear you take us for granted and dont give a shit about us as people. #so youre gonna get a rude fucking awakening Very soon. have fun cleaning up the wreckage of your mockery of our lives. #anyways hi yeah shit's about to blow up at work and im jumping ship as soon as i can make it work #i also got caught in freezing rain and had to walk home (took an hour of walking when itd usually take 25 mins!) bc i Could Not Bike #may or may not have to go into work tomorrow and if i do i may just take a hammer to those fucking windows [joke][this is a joke] #its gonna ice all night and i voiced these legitimate concerns for my safety and got told #'well we'll follow what the city standards are' or whatever the fuck. and got told to take the bus. #WELL COME ON SHITSTAIN I STILL HAVE TO WALK TO THE BUS STOP NOW DONT I?????? #plus i just dont like the idea of going out rn at all. it's so dangerous. im for serious Everything is ice. #even on a salted road my bike still slid out from under me. i Had to walk it home #walking very very carefully with very ginger steps. lord help me on any inclines bc gravity was pushing me Down. #it was awful. one of the worst commutes of my life. and this fucker has the audacity to tell me to just Take The Bus? #hes getting on my last Fucking nerves. oh yeah and him completely dismissing my coworker's concerns about passive aggression #ran out of tags (lmfao) so ill stop ranting here. but just. i am so Fucking done with him.

[rebelrainfall]

.

#i think it may be time to admit that the meds are Not Working and move on but i don't know what to do #i wanted them to work so bad #i had so much hope #i've talked to so many people for whom the difference was night and day #like suddenly they could keep up with school and get up and do things and keep their life together #and i never really thought that could happen to me but i WANTED it to like i wanted it SO BAD #and then when it didn't i hoped keeping with it would at least do something? but it's been three months and it's nothing #i can't keep up in school and i can't make myself do anything and i can't keep my life together. like at all. nothing is better. #i don't think i can go on like this. and the dr said i wouldn't have to but it isn't fucking working and i don't know what to do #my mum likes to say my brain just works differently and she's trying to be nice but she's wrong. my brain is broken. it does not work. #it sure seems like nothing is ever going to get better and it feels so helpless and hopeless and i'm really not coping #i'm geuinely scared i can't stick this out long enough to finish my degree but what else am i going to do? #vent post #delete later probably #i'll feel less miserable later. hopefully. just need to cry for a while.

[martyrbat]

happy new year especially to everyone recovering from an eating disorder. this is a hard time with the usual frenzy of advertisements pushing for you to ‘fix’ your body or diet talk. i hope you all know im sending you all my love and the reminder that it's going to be okay.

you don't need to diet or join a gym, you don't need to burn off any calories or weight you put on during the holidays or anything like that. your body is already valuable and enough as it is. you cant live a full, happy life with the restrictions of an eating disorder. you deserve better than what it demands.

you dont have to shame yourself for enjoying life and the food in it. you dont have to “earn” anything, you already deserve it. you deserve to eat. you deserve to be happy as yourself. you deserve to make memories and actually live. a ‘meaningful year’ or thriving life doesnt mean a skinny one.

surround yourself with friends and laughter and things that make you happy. know it doesnt have to be a special occasion to ‘treat yourself’ to delicious food. i hope you all get to the mental space to where you celebrate every day because its another day youre alive, but in the meantime try to remember that it may be difficult now but that doesnt mean it always will be 💗

#already getting ads for 'new year new you' body and diet apps #and hearing my mother (who gave me my e/d since i could even SPELL disorder) talk about it nonstop #and honestly?? yeah it is hard. it IS tempting to relapse and go back. but as scary as it may be to continue with recovery #a life with an eating disorder is even scarier. its hollow and restricted. your body is meant to sing and dance and create. its meant to #hug others and smile at babies and just exist. its the meat puppet that allows you to create memories and experience life #so yeah !! it's hard ! but so is my dick and my refusal to ever be that miserable again. so let's fucking do this; i know we can #itll get easier to exist as yourself as time goes on. life is possible and even better without it and recovery will be worth it – i promise

[purewater100]

i like to think my mental health isn't that bad, and that my disorders haven't impacted me that hard, but then i'll have nights like this where i'll realize just how badly i've fucked myself and it really, really sucks lol.

these past 4 years, can i even call it living? though, i think the worst part is i know it's not gonna stop at 4. i know once this year ends, the next will be just as bad if not worse, and i will have to live through not just that year, but every year after it knowing the only person i can blame for my misery is myself.

#vent #if i had just tried would things have been different? #if i had accepted the help given if i hadn't let my fear control me if i hadn't just given in thinking it would work itself out #would i be happier? #it's all rhetorical. i know the answer is yes lmao #and i know it's no ones fault but my own #no one in my life understands just how bad it is and i don't know how to explain it to them; or if i even want to #because then i'd have to admit i need help. and i know i do. i know something's wrong and i know i can't get better without help #but the thought of actually saying that out loud of actually working through all the things that make me scared and uncomfortable and upset? #it makes me feel sick #this life is all i can really remember. everything before either upsets me and pushes me farther away from the 'real world' or i just don't #remember it anymore. #how could i cope with that? how could i leave this life and...go out..how could i go out and live a real life #when this is the only life i remember anymore? #this sounds pathetic i sound fucking insane lmfao whatever #i don't know if this makes sense #i'm so miserable #i just want to be normal again i want to have friends again i want to be able to go to the store and walk around my neighborhood and #and i don't know #i just want to live

[dbssh]

my take on starscream and windblade is i genuinely think their dynamic by the end of the series rocks. when starscream is incredibly fond of her and respexts her and sees her as not only an incredibly capable leader but a fundementally good and better person. and windblade is like 😬 starscream? well shes dead now so we never ever have to unpack all that. so uh. lets move on.

#SHE DOESNT FUCKING LIKE HER. #like i think if stsc had lived windblades general opinion wouldve been girl im proud of you and your #growth or whatever but like can you retire or something. stay away from me. #like i think wb meant it when she said she wanted stsc to get better and believed she could. but i dont think theyre ever going to be #friends. im of the opinion that death + the haunting is the best ending for starscream #and that its really the only environment for her that is conducive to fully truly healing and being at peace #like idk i think she was miserable and there would be no future in which people let her 'escape punishment' nor one where shes interested #in doing that even with bee and windblade in her corner. and i just idk #i think she needs space to be alone out from the public eye #and away from all the pressures that kept her spiraling over and over her whole life #and i just. the way exrid was set up i just dont think there was room for her to do that on cybertron #but i dont think shes healthy enough to realize that and leave #and i think 'noble sacrifice that returns her dignity and gives her comfort' #and 'true freedom to be herself no more and no less with the company of someone who actually likes and cares about her with no #responsibility or risk to her physical or mental health' #is like. really the best of both worlds i think it was good for her. #fix its where she gets brought back are cute and all but honestly i dont know. would she even want that. it would change everything #when shes finally for once comfortable and at peace #yk sometimes death is a GOOD THING IN NARRATIVES and she DIDNT EVEN REALLY ALL THE WAY DIE so like i thibk its fine. #i miss her tho. god i miss idw.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Being high energy while sick feels insane. Like my brain is telling me I should lay down and rest but is also telling me I should run around in circles and break things.

#i think im getting better tho. i mean i still can feel my warped sickyness but idk my hormones maybe have me all fucked up #but like i told my mum i get these insane little hypomanic-esque episodes and she was immediately like could b ur hormones #i know a number of ppl like that. and i was like YES. thats obviously what it is but nothing comes up when i try to google things abt it #so there must b others out there. and it also implies that theres sometimes fucked up about my serotonin receptors bc when im like kinda #positively disregard i feel happy and i never feel happy. my typical emotional state is indifferent and apathetic #and then dips into light misery and very miserable but not like clinically depressed. but i was even like that while on vacation so even #removed from the stresses in my life i still am not happy. which is y its so hard when ppl r like do what makes up happy. relax #and im like. ok but like nothing works??? its either fucked up hormones or my lantent anxiety just keeps me from being happy #but whatever. im gathering so much data. when i go see a doctor im gonna pull out a spreadsheet and graphs and notes like a lunatic #bwahhh i wanna run. i have too much energy. fuck being sick. fuck having to work on a day off. fuck this #also fuck my menstrual cycle for being so short. like so short its sometimes not listed with the healthy range but only sometimes #just to make me think. i should probably talk to a doctor but. like its probably fine. its consistent so its fine #annoying. annoying. got u can tell when out of wack bc i post too much and cant shut thr fuck up lol #unrelated

[bitegore]

very important question. what various decepticon teams could use one (1) frontliner speedster

eta: i need at minimum four of them for this to work lmfao

#may or may not have evil plans for drag strip today #i just cant figure out which team leaders would have plausible uses for him #im sure almost any decepticon team lead could be like 'well everyone says your boss rapes you. i wanna see what all the fuss is about' #'hey actually hang on a second this is kind of fun. you did a good job' #and then accidentally gives drag strip like. just enough positive feedback that when he gets put back on his regular team #and back with motormaster who is like 'hes so egotistical. never say anything nice to him ever or he'll be even more insufferable' #hes just like shit. i need to go back to this other team. i liked them better. hello mr ex boss pweasies fuck me im miserable now' #and then the entire team can be like 'wait a second. what the fuck did you do to OUR fucktoy. we treat him better hes ours now. asshole" #extremely important to the genesis of this idea is that under no circumstances did drag strip want to have sex with any of them at first #but he's so absolutely twisted out of shape by motormaster's whole nonsense that hes just like 'oh ok so THIS rape was BETTER than that one #and i liked it more. so now that i feel genuinely miserable as opposed to like confused and only half miserable i think i need them again' #his life fucking sucks #red rambles #lemon #literally just for the tags

[system-of-avalon]

🩷.

#with love - a 🩷 #I don't know how much more I can take #At some point I cried to this same song and I told myself I'd do better - I'd be better #I cried and said that I wanted to live *so bad* #But now it's all so... Empty #Now I cry to this same song and I think... When is my life going to be better? #Is this really it? Am I really going to suffer forever until I die? #Is there really no happiness? It doesn't exist? #The world is not wonderful. Life sucks #There's no point in doing anything #There's no point in trying #I feel so miserable doing nothing but I'd even more miserable doing anything #Because it won't make me happy #I'll never be happy as long as I'm alive. I did too many things wrong- I fucked up too much #Now am here I'm like... Where do I even begin? #I'm not happy with my body - I'm not happy with my personality - I'm not happy with my brain or my life choices #I'm not happy with what I can achieve - I'm not happy with *ANYTHING* #And I know it's clinical - and that's the worst thing! #The fact it's clinical means I can't do... Shit about it #I'll keep dragging my feet day in and day out - looking for *scraps* of meaning that make me feel like being alive is worth it #I can't take it anymore. I never did this for myself - I never *lived* for myself #I live for my friends and my family but it's getting to the point where that's just not enough anymore #I'm *angry* at my loved ones for *existing* #because if they didn't exist I could just die and no one would bat an eye about it #I could finally DIE IN PEACE #I'm not sure how much more I can take... I just wanna end it all #It doesn't get better #It won't get any better #tw sui ideation #tw sui vent

[cerbreus]

having an early spring birthday fucking sucks man shitall to do; no good movies, very few exhibitions, its wet and gloomy out and most parks are closed for the season... worst season hate early spring :’(

#what i would give to be able to go on a fun camping and hiking trip for my birthday #but i CANT because the first week of march is fucking MISERABLE it ALWAYS RAINS #and i like rain but it's the combo of rain + ice + so much mud SO MUCH MUD #been trying to think of something for weeks to do for my bday bc last yr i was recovering from surgery and could barely leave my bed #but there once again is shitall to do and we live in a city now and it's still not really better #probably just going to go to some rock stores + thrift stores #and maybe one of the museums i haven't been to yet if it's open #the weekend after bc sadly i've got a weekday bday this year ;_; #only 2 weeks left to figure shit out... #i would even be fine with a winter birthday fr bc then maybe we could go skiing or tubing 8_8 #but theres never even any good snow in march just the shitty wet icy brown stuff that still hasn't fully melted #personal stuff #i really really wish i could go rockhounding for my bday because we live 2 hrs from one of the very few places in the us and on the planet #where you can find Staurolites (aka; cross rocks/fairy crosses) #which are SO neat!!!! #but it's going to be cold and miserable and borderline dangerous to hang out around an icy river and i've already fallen through the ice #and almost died once in my life already so i'm not chancing that #sorry bit of a vent post here i just get older and every year it's a hassle to find something I want to do bc just like... nothing happens #in spring in the north

[steddieas-shegoes]

Steve grows up playing piano, absolutely hates it, but is so good at it. His parents aren’t around enough by the time he’s a teen to force him to his practices, so he slowly stops going.

His music teacher happens to be Robin’s mom, who studied at Juilliard, and traveled for nearly a decade with various orchestras and bands before settling down with her husband in Hawkins.

She can see what’s going on with Steve from day one, but knows better than to interfere.

Until he quits.

She can’t stand by and let someone so musically gifted give it up.

She shows up at his house with a violin, her own violin that she hadn’t used in years.

He’s hesitant at first, but decides to give it a try as long as she doesn’t tell his parents. The last thing he wants is for them to find out he picked up a new instrument.

She can’t give him official lessons, so she shows up to his house twice a week and hopes that he practices in his own time.

He’s a natural.

He takes to it like a duck to water.

She encourages him to perform in a local talent show, all kids under 18, most of them not half as talented as he is.

He only agrees when she says she’ll be front row.

And sure enough, for once in his life, someone shows up when they say they will. She’s sitting front row with her husband on one side and her daughter on the other. She smiles as he takes the stage, nervous about people who know him seeing him and reporting back to his parents.

He performs with heart, something he lacked with the piano. He performs with talent, something he may have with any instrument he picks up.

But most importantly, he plays with a smile. He’s having fun.

He sticks around to watch some of the other people performing: Tammy Thompson singing a very out of tune rendition of America The Beautiful, some kid from one of his classes playing piano miserably, and some band performing very loud, very angry music.

Steve wins, and for once, it feels better than when he wins at a swim meet or basketball game.

He spends the next three years secretly practicing, only performing in shows out of town, never saying anything to his parents.

He doesn’t want them to ruin this for him.

He applies to Juilliard, not thinking he has a chance in hell, not with his academic grades.

Luckily, they see that he’s “exceptional with the strings” and “plays with emotion that can’t be trained.”

He gets in.

He goes.

He thinks he may actually be able to do this, use a gift he has to make his life better.

His parents even find it acceptable, mostly because he got into the best school he could have. They still don’t bother showing up for his shows, but Mrs. Buckley always finds a way.

In his sophomore year, Robin gets in, and they both move into a small apartment off campus together. He promised to look out for her.

She tells him that music wasn’t really her passion, she was just good with a trumpet. She really wanted to be an engineer.

In his junior year, Robin transfers to Columbia, starts doing what she really wanted to do from the start. He’s proud of her, but misses having someone on campus during the day to have lunch with.

Until he stumbles, literally, into someone vaguely familiar.

“Sorry, man. Running late.”

Steve pats the man on the shoulder and turns to get to his class when the man stops him.

“Harrington? You’re a student here?”

He turns back and finally recognizes the man in front of him.

“Munson? When did you get here?”

“I got in this year. Kinda fucked up my first audition last year and they were kind enough to give me another shot.” Eddie smiled. “What on earth are you here for?”

“Violin. You?”

“Guitar and songwriting.”

“That’s great, man. I’m just really running late. Catch up soon?”

Soon was two weeks later, when Steve ran into Eddie again while leaving class.

“We should probably stop running into each other like this,” Eddie smirked. “The universe is trying to tell us something.”

“What’s it trying to tell us?”

“Not sure. Maybe we should go grab dinner and find out.”

“Now?”

“Why not? Got better plans?”

Steve thought about how Robin was barely at the apartment due to studying for midterms. He thought about how his only other friend from here was busy rehearsing for their senior showcase.

“Nah. Let me bring this home first,” he held up his violin case. “Actually.”

Steve was on a budget. His parents gave him money, sure, but they thought he was living on campus so the money they sent covered rent and groceries and nothing else.

“I could make dinner. If you want?”

“Steve Harrington cooks? And plays violin?” Eddie fake swooned. “Be still my beating heart. How will I not be seduced?”

Steve rolled his eyes. He remembered Eddie’s dramatics from school and knew better than to feed into them.

“I can make some spaghetti. Nothing fancy.”

“Spaghetti sounds great,” Eddie’s fake swoon turned to a soft smile. “You want some help?”

Steve didn’t need help, usually didn’t even want any.

But something about the way his stomach dipped when Eddie stepped closer, and the way he thought about having Eddie in his apartment, made him agree.

“Sure.”

They walked to Steve’s apartment in a comfortable silence, though Eddie kept tapping the back of his fingers against Steve’s hand.

Eddie fit next to Steve. They cooked together, they ate together, they even managed to clean up together. It was easy to find something to talk about. He’d never clicked with anyone like this, not even Robin.

By the time Robin came home, Steve and Eddie were both passed out on the couch, fingers laced together as if they hadn’t been brave enough to do anything more before they fell asleep.

By morning, Steve’s head was on Eddie’s shoulder, Eddie’s arm wrapped around him loosely.

Waking up to a soft kiss on his lips was something Steve couldn’t have imagined when he first ran into Eddie, but he was pretty glad it was how he started his day.

And almost every day after that, whether he woke up to a kiss, or met up with Eddie on campus for a kiss, he started his day with love on his lips.

#steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #stranger things #headcanon #drabble #musician Steve Harrington #musician eddie munson #we love alternate meetings in this house #we’re gonna say it’s a modern au to make things simpler #just go with it