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mysticsparklewings · 5 years

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2018 Art Summary!

I've never done one of these before because usually, I don't even have to look to know I'll have several months left blank, as I have a bad habit of finishing things and either just waiting to post them or uploading things in bulk. This time though, I felt more confident about having a piece for every month...Turns out somehow I lost February in terms of art-making . Oh well, 11/12 ain't bad. (And I'm very positive I drew something in February, but evidently, I didn't think to post it. Which is weird because February usually isn't that busy for me ) Also, I think I'm a few days late to the party on these, but whatever. And now for a short description and links to each artwork so you can understand & see them better. January: Coraline One of my earlier attempts at just straight fan-art from one of my favorite movies. I'm still really happy with how it turned out, almost a year later February: Surprisingly, nothing! (Seriously, I have no idea what happened to February...) March: Killjoys, Make Some Noise! The first piece of My Chemical Romance fan-art I ever made. Poor me and poor them, they look a wee bit feminine, but I'm working on getting better at that. Maybe this year I'll take the time to color the line art to honor the anniversary again--we'll see! (I put this one in sideways because I couldn't size/crop it to fit the other way to my own satisfaction) April: Ivy Enchantix 2018! You know, I would've thought if there was any month I had no art posts, it would've been April. There was Spring Break and Easter, school stuff including taking a trip to New York...And yet it seems April was actually one of my busier months, considering what all I had to pick from. But it was really no contest of which one to pick as my favorite. While I definitely only rarely make Winx art anymore, when I do there's a lot of heart and soul poured into every piece, to the point there isn't much I can find fault with. This may not have been the "grand return" I was hoping for, but it stands as a reminder that I'm not ready to fully let Winx Club go anytime soon. May: Watercolor Stars The tail end of May 2018 marked a big milestone I almost never thought I'd see; My first display drawing tablet, a Wacom Cintiq that I stalked eBay for months (possibly even years) to finally get my hands on. This was also the first time I actively revisited my Mini Magnet Challenge from the year prior, using one of my favorite poems as inspiration for the first piece of art made with the tablet. Looking back on it now, I really am in love with the overall atmosphere. June: The Sandman This month proved to be a busy one, and I have to say honorable mentions go to my Art Style Challenge and The World is Ugly, the second piece of MCR fan-art I made. But ultimately I went with this one because I'm still obsessed with Mr. Sandman's unique character design and for as simple and quick as the image was, it's honestly one of my most favorite pieces I think I've ever made. (I even have it posted as a Portfolio piece on my website). The other two are great and easily tied for close seconds, but they don't haunt me the same way this one does. July: One Little Spark Early July was time for my family's annual theme-park vacation, specifically to Walt Disney World. After we got back, I had that feeling I usually do about being just so inspired by everything we saw and did, but not really knowing what to do with it. Every year I want to do a small series for every day we're at the parks, but I never have the time or means to do so. So an obscure crossover of Figment from Journey Into Imagination at Epcot and Animal Crossing: New Leaf was my compromise for 2018. I still think it's adorable and though it is ridiculously unlikely, I have to say I would absolutely love to see Figment appear in an Animal Crossing game someday now. August: Grav3yardGirl Once again, August had a few different options but ended up being a no-contest. This is the first piece of fan-art I ever made of my favorite Youtuber, Grav3yardGirl , made and posted at basically the last minute for her birthday on August 3rd. I'm not sure she ever saw it or knows it exists, but there's always next year! I do still think it turned out really cute for how much of a rush I was in to complete it. Also, someone needs to remind me to use that parchment paper in my artwork more often... September: Marco Renoir Colored Pencil Test This month was relatively calm with only a few art pieces to choose from. I went with my test piece for the Marco Renoir pencils because I do still really love how it looks and also because it sort of marked the beginning of my hunt for colored pencils and would eventually lead me to pick up a few other specific brands. Plus doing all these test pieces ends up boosting my colored pencil skills overall. This also marked the beginning of me using galaxy/sky pictures to test colored pencils, which has proven pretty effective, I think. October: Outfit of The Day This was my busiest October art-wise in a while, I think. For once I wasn't competing with art/theatre classes that demanded a ton of my extra attention, and this was also the first time I was super committed to seeing Inktober through to the end. And admittedly my Inktober 2018: Wrap Up! picture was very close to getting this spot, but I ultimately decided against it since I would be really hard to tell what it actually is and that seemed like cheating since I'm not sure I could pick a favorite Inktober piece anyway . So I went with my first-ever Outfit-Of-the-Day drawing instead. I am still really thrilled with it and it was one my first real holiday-specific pieces I made also. I was also rushing to get this one done, and I still think it came out really good, all things considered. November: Why, Curious Butterflies! This one was honestly the hardest to pick because this was easily the busiest November I think I have ever had art-wise. For at least four years prior I always had a ton of theatre stuff to do, but not in 2018. (Don't get me wrong, I really miss that class but it was definitely a big commitment). In the end, I went with the picture that makes me the happiest; this little fan-art inspired by a purse I had just gotten IRL. It's cute and its mixed-media, which I am increasingly convinced is where my artistic talent really shines brightest. December: The Nutcracker Oddly enough, this feels like the sparsest December I've had for art in a while because I think before Winter Break was like my main comeback after months of having to put stuff off. I may not have made that many art pieces this December, but the ones I did were pretty elaborate/in-depth for me. I went with my Nutcracker girl since it's a concept I've been wanting to play with for a while now, and once again this was a mixed media piece that I think really showcases my skills. And it's also one of the first real like Christmas-y drawings I've made. I also spent a good chunk of this month acquiring new art supplies to play with . All in all, I look back and I'm pretty happy with what I've accomplished art-wise is 2018. It was a year of experimenting and milestones, and I think I'm in a much better place as an artist now than I was a year ago. Lord knows my journey is not over yet, but I like where I am so far. Art Goals for 2019: Keep experimenting, maybe learn to draw faster, post more consistently; and most importantly, keep striving to be better. ____ Template (c) DustBunnyThumper Artworks (c) me, MysticSparkleWings ____ Where to find me & my artwork: My Website | Commission Info + Prices | Ko-Fi | dA Print Shop | RedBubble | Twitter | Tumblr | Instagram

#2018artsummary #artsummary2018 #artsummary

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rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev · 3 years

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June 28, 2021

Well, it's been a few years since I wrote anything here. Mostly because these past few years have been an absolute whirlwind. My last post ended with Sean and I almost becoming official. Well, last week we had our 3 year anniversary together. Time flies.

Since my last post, I got accepted into the biotechnology program, for which I am forever grateful for. The program is very, very difficult and was the most mentally and emotionally taxing thing I had ever done up until that point. Being in class from 8:30am-4:30pm everyday with only 1 hour lunch break was rough. 6 to 7 classes a term was rough. Having a never ending midterm season was rough. But it was worth it. I made some amazing friends who I will hopefully have for the rest of my life. I gained some amazing lab skills and had some amazing opportunities. And best of all, I can actually see an end goal for my career. I don't know exactly what it will look like yet, but I know I want to be working on research in some sort of management position. Maybe not for forever, but for some time at least.

First year at BCIT was rough. Hard adjustments, lots of work and figuring out our class dynamic. But I came out of it stronger, knowing more about what I could do and how to succeed. Sean and I went through a rough patch in November of our first year together. His best friend from high school, whom he had feelings for for most of the time in school with her, was breaking up with her boyfriend of 5 years and basically went to Sean and said "I said no in the past but if you asked me now, I would say yes." And he doesn't know what to do so all he can do is come and tell me about it. And of course this happens on my birthday. So what do I do for my 18th birthday? Cry all night long. Yea, it was fun. It takes him a week to decide to choose us. Pretty rough but in the end it makes us stronger, especially since she comes around again in a year (but I'll get to that). After that Christmas, things change again. We were happy and then suddenly we stopped texting. Because of my schedule, we could only see each other once a week on Fridays. Everything was fine when we were together but during the week, everything felt empty and wrong. It took us until April to finally talk about it - I even wrote a letter about being upset that he's never read. But we finally talk about it and we figure out that we need to talk more and so we start calling each other. From then on, we try to discord each night and it has done us well.

After my first year at BCIT, I land my first co-op job in the Hancock Lab. I didn't think I was going to get a job at that point but I was so glad that I did. We did some really cool stuff with pseudomonas where we screened mutants for biofilm defects and tested biofilm growth in anaerobic conditions. I got to present my first poster at CBR Research Day. The lab pre-covid is amazing. Susan bought us beer and pizza and sushi every Friday and over the course of the summer, the drinking of the beer would start earlier and earlier (5pm at the beginning, all the way up till 2pm by the end of the summer). I had a great time in the lab and learned a lot.

My second year at BCIT was rough too. The workload got even worse that first term and I'm pretty sure we all hit our lowest lows. Just surviving became the name of the game and we did it well. Despite that, we had time to go play volleyball and support Josie's badminton tournament and fool around playing ultimate and snowball fights. We had some amazing memories and we didn't realize how fast time would fly until it was almost over.

And then Covid-19 hit. Assumed to be transferred from some sort of animal to humans in a Chinese wet market, racism and violence against Asians skyrocketed, just as the world shut down. Our last month at BCIT was canceled right before our eyes and we never got to celebrate finishing and surviving. Instead, classes went to online lectures and exams went to online formats and we stopped being able to see friends or go out or do anything really. Restaurants and attractions were shut down, maximum capacities and masks enforced and uncertainty everywhere. Talks for vaccines were hopeful, but I was skeptical about anything being ready until 2021. And I was right. As of today, all of us in the family have 1 dose of Moderna, although Mom is to get her second dose next week. Things are slowly opening up (provincial travel bans were lifted and movie theaters opened 2 weeks ago!) They're talking about what a post-covid world will look like, and I think everyone is grateful. In some ways, we lost a year and a half of our lives to this virus.

After finishing my time at BCIT, I was hoping to do a 4 month co-op placement abroad. Nothing of my applications turned out, but given covid, all travel ended up being restricted anyways. Not only that, there were no co-op jobs as every company in the world faced very uncertain economic and social times. I ended up taking April and May off and worked June and July at Collingwood again. Camp was different (lots of pool noodles and yoga mats) but in some ways, very much the same. I was grateful.

Despite the continued uncertainty of the next school year in a pandemic world, I was lucky to have the connections with the Hancock lab to allow me to do a full 8 month Honours Thesis with them. I took 4 classes per term on top of that and took them in the bioinformatics room on my laptop so I could be in the lab for the rest of the day. And boy, was I always there. 9am starts to 7pm finishes were not uncommon. Plus the 1.5 hour commute each way. Things were not easy. I thought BCIT was hard. 4th year at UBC trumps BCIT, easy. I was always stressed and strung out, I was constantly having to miss classes to do experiments (thank God for recordings) and at times, basic things refused to work (bacterial plating will be the death of me yet). The mandatory classes were all crappy and each have their own story that I may have to tell another time, but needless to say, I was not having a good time. I'm glad I made the effort to do an 8 month project, and in a way Covid made it both easier and harder. Easier because everything was recorded so my schedule was flexible (although I did my best to try to attend most lectures synchronously). Harder because I was in the lab more than I should have been and it meant some of my school work was compromised (thank God for Nabeel inviting me to his CHBE group). I survived, but I don't think I would have been able to go on much longer. Thank God for co-op and 8 months away from school.

In January, we were all on the hunt for co-op positions. Amazingly, I was super popular, scoring 6 different interviews of the 12 different applications I put in. I never got a Zymeworks invite though, which made me a little disappointed. But I think it worked out for the better because it meant I was more open when I was calling with Michelle. Meeting with Ting and Julien, we hit it off right away. I never get nervous for interviews and because of that, I feel like I'm really good at covering and clicking with interviewers. I asked lots of good questions and we were all laughing during that 1 hour interview. I got a call 2 days later from Michelle telling me I had gotten the job and I was so excited. It was the perfect fit. The chance to do more cell culture. The chance to do some research. The chance to maybe be hired on after grad. Working now, I feel really grateful for the opportunity. The company is a little odd, but our little CPD bubble is great to be a part of and I hope that one day we can make a difference.

I bought my first car on my first day of work - a 2012 Mazda 3 Hacthback with only 105k km. He's black and I've run him into the curb a few times, but he still looks super shiny (despite getting shat on within the first hour of being home) and I love him very much. The freedom of having my own car is amazing.

So why am I posting now? Well, I've been having some doubts and I needed a place to write it all out and I remembered this Tumblr. Reading back my old posts is a little sad because I started this Tumblr because I was sad. Things have been so much better in the last few years so I haven't been around. And make no mistake, I am so much happier than I was back then. But I've always learned while writing, so here I am to learn about myself and my feelings.

TBC

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multipleservicelisting · 3 years

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What 2020 Was Like for People in the Retail Industry

The retail industry was in the midst of a transformation before 2020. But the onset of the pandemic accelerated that change, fundamentally reordering how and where people shop, and rippling across the broader economy.

Many stores closed for good, as chains cut physical locations or filed for bankruptcy, displacing everyone from highly paid executives to hourly workers. Amazon grew even more powerful and unavoidable as millions of people bought goods online during lockdowns. The divide between essential businesses allowed to stay open and nonessential ones forced to close drove shoppers to big-box chains like Walmart, Target and Dick’s and worsened struggling department stores’ woes. The apparel industry and a slew of malls were battered as millions of Americans stayed home and a litany of dress-up events, from proms to weddings, were canceled or postponed.

This year’s civil unrest and its thorny issues for American society also hit retailers. Businesses closed because of protests over George Floyd’s killing by a white police officer, and they reckoned with their own failings when it came to race. The challenges faced by working parents, including the cost and availability of basic child care during the pandemic, were keenly felt by women working at stores from CVS to Bloomingdale’s. And there were questions about the treatment of workers, as retailers and their backers treated employees shoddily during bankruptcies or failed to offer hazard pay or adequate notifications about workplace Covid-19 outbreaks.

Many Americans felt the effects of the retail upheaval — the industry is the second-biggest private employment sector in the United States — and some shared their experiences this year with The New York Times.

‘That’s what I did my whole life’

Joyce Bonaime, a 63-year-old in Cabazon, Calif., has worked in retailing since the 1970s. In the past 14 months, she became one of many store employees whose lives were upended by bankruptcies — first at Barneys New York and more recently at Brooks Brothers.

Ms. Bonaime had spent about 10 years as a full-time stock coordinator for a Barneys outlet at Desert Hills Premium Outlets near her home, overseeing the shipping and receiving of designer wares, when the retailer filed for bankruptcy and liquidated late last year.

“Barneys treated people very badly at the end there,” Ms. Bonaime said. The retailer, she said, sent inconsistent messages about severance payments and the timing of store closures that limited people from finding other jobs just before the holiday shopping season.

After Barneys, Ms. Bonaime secured a full-time stockroom position at Brooks Brothers in the same outlet mall. But the pandemic forced the store to temporarily close in March, and she was furloughed. She anticipated returning once the store reopened this summer. But Ms. Bonaime’s job was terminated this month and she lost her health benefits. She is now collecting unemployment checks for the first time in her life.

When Ms. Bonaime started her career, working at shoe stores and completing a management training program at one chain, retailers had a different relationship with employees and communities, she said.

“We went through training on the bones in the foot and the muscles; we knew a lot about our industry,” she said. “We would reach out to local high schools and work with the cheerleading team and find a shoe they liked for outfits and give them a discount and make sure they had the right sizes.”

Ms. Bonaime, who is getting by right now, feels stuck. She had planned to work a few more years before retiring, but her options are limited. Businesses at the outlet mall are struggling — and it was already hard to interview last year as a woman in her 60s, she said. Amazon is hiring, but she is concerned about the risk of accidents in a warehouse.

“This pandemic just changes everything because I would have no problem getting a job otherwise,” she said. “I just don’t think there’s going to be anything in retail, and that’s what I did my whole life.”

‘I was collateral damage’

Soon after the pandemic hit, Nordstrom said it would permanently close its three high-end Jeffrey boutiques, which were founded by Jeffrey Kalinsky and acquired by the retailer in 2005. Mr. Kalinsky, a Nordstrom executive who had focused on bringing designer apparel to the retailer, retired as part of the move.

The Jeffrey stores, in New York, Atlanta and Palo Alto, Calif., had dressed the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow and even been lampooned on “Saturday Night Live.” The first location, in Atlanta, would have celebrated its 30th anniversary in August.

Mr. Kalinsky, 58, said in an interview that he was recovering from Covid-19 at the end of March when he became aware that the stores might remain shut after a temporary closure.

“It felt like I had a gun pointed at me,” he said. “The folks I always dealt with at Nordstrom were always very transparent, and I can only surmise that they were looking at how to position themselves to get through this period — and I was collateral damage.”

He had once told the Jeffrey staff that it was like the original cast in a Broadway musical, performing at an “amazing level” for customers every day. The hardest part of this year was telling employees about the closing, he said.

“That day was probably the most difficult, emotional day of my entire life,” he said. “I felt just gutted. It was indescribable.” Employees have told him that they “miss the merchandise, they miss the edit, they miss the specialness.”

His goal was for Jeffrey to carry the best merchandise but “sell it in an environment that was very democratic,” he said. “I wanted to showcase it all and wanted it all to be next to each other. I wanted the friction of Gucci next to Dries next to Comme des Garçons. I wanted to feel the tension in a good way because that, in my opinion, is how the perfect closet is.”

Mr. Kalinsky hopes to find a job designing for an American brand, saying he is not prepared to retire from retailing. He wonders if Jeffrey could have survived the pandemic by working with vendors and landlords.

“We had an impressive business, a wonderful clientele, and we would have been fine — but did we have a piggy bank for Covid? No,” he said.

A man with a van

Trent Griffin-Braaf started this year feeling more confident than ever. The transportation company he created to ferry guests from hotels in the Albany, N.Y., area to local attractions like the racetrack in Saratoga Springs was catching on.

But when the coronavirus shut down tourism, weddings and conferences, Mr. Griffin-Braaf’s passenger vans were idled and his business was in jeopardy. “We were really in a rough place,” he said.

In the late summer, his company became a carrier for Amazon and shifted to e-commerce deliveries. His team of 70 drivers and other staff include immigrants from Africa and India, workers laid off from restaurants, a struggling nail-salon owner and recent college grads “just trying to figure it out” during the pandemic.

His drivers cover a 150-mile radius around Albany, including many rural areas where the number of Amazon shoppers is increasing, he said. “All you see around here is Amazon,” he said. “Come work for Amazon.”

Many of his drivers were earning 10 hours of overtime a week during the peak holiday season. “I feel blessed to be busy, because so many people aren’t right now,” he said.

Mr. Griffin-Braaf, 36, has not given up on passenger vans. He has started driving workers living in parts of Albany with limited public transportation to their jobs at distribution centers and other businesses far from bus lines.

On the weekends, he volunteers the vans to drive families to visit loved ones in upstate prisons. Mr. Griffin-Braaf, who served time in prison years ago, said that long term, he hoped to have tractor-trailers to move e-commerce packages across the country, and to offer van service in other “transportation deserts” around the state so people could get to work.

“I know how hard it is to get a job if you don’t have a car, and I have seen how hard it is when you don’t get visits in prison,” he said. “I have lived these things.”

‘We are glad you are here’

Lauren Jackson and her two sisters inadvertently chose the wrong time to open the first Black-owned beauty supply store in their hometown, Buffalo: March 7, two weeks before the state ordered them to shut down.

So the sisters reopened it as an “essential business,” stocking hand sanitizers, masks and other pandemic necessities. Their store, the Hair Hive, reopened in early April, which helped them build a customer base while competitors stayed closed.

“Everything happens for a reason,” said Ms. Jackson, 28.

She and her sisters, Danielle Jackson and Brianna Lannie, had talked about opening the store for several years. It is five minutes from their childhood home on the east side of Buffalo, a predominantly Black neighborhood where their parents still live.

The sisters were initially intimidated about trying to break into the well-established industry.

“We didn’t want to tell anyone so they wouldn’t say, ‘You can’t compete with them,’” Ms. Jackson said. “We didn’t even tell our parents.”

The sisters got a loan from a family member and another from a Buffalo nonprofit. Lauren Jackson said she had watched other Black-owned businesses in her neighborhood come and go over the years, including salons, barbershops and restaurants that often closed because the younger generation didn’t want to take over after the founding family members retired. Ms. Jackson wants to break that trend.

“A lot of people come into the store because we are Black-owned,” she said. “They feel comfortable knowing we can relate with what’s going on with their hair. They tell us, ‘We are glad you are here.’”

‘Scared of what might be coming’

In June, as the first wave of the coronavirus was finally coming under control in New York, Feisal Ahmed got a call from his manager at Macy’s.

Would he like to return to his job selling luxury watches when the store in Herald Square reopened? “I am already there,” he told his boss. “Put me first in line.”

Mr. Ahmed was in his early 20s and a recent emigrant from Bangladesh when he started working at Macy’s in 1994. He met his wife in the store, was able to make a down payment on a house in Astoria, Queens, and saved up enough money to start his own laundry, which he eventually sold.

“I owe a lot to this job,” he said.

But after initial feelings of relief and excitement to return to work after four months of lockdowns, reality set in for Mr. Ahmed. He has gone some days without selling a single watch, for which he would earn a commission.

Last week, business picked up for a few days, driven by last-minute Christmas shopping, but it was nowhere near a normal holiday pace. “The pandemic, job security — people are scared to spend money,” he said.

Still, Mr. Ahmed feels lucky. In New York City, retail jobs make up 9 percent of private-sector employment, and many have been slow to return. At stores selling clothing and clothing accessories, employment is down more than 40 percent from a year ago, according to a recent report by the state comptroller’s office.

Mr. Ahmed said that as a member of the Retail, Wholesale and Department Store Union, he had certain job protections. But he worries about what the winter will bring, as the pandemic continues to keep many shoppers away.

“Employees are scared of what might be coming,” he said.

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jaketheaudiophile · 4 years

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Best Albums of 2019

Well hello there! Long time, no see.

In keeping up with my lazy past tactics, I really only use this blog for end-of-the-year recaps anymore, which I’m completely fine with. I still listen to music as much as I always have, but have lost the desire to constantly write about it. I guess this is adulthood, or having a “real job” or something.

Either way, here are my top 15 albums of 2019. What were yours?

HONORABLE MENTION

DELTA SLEEP: “Younger Years” EP

released September 27 via Big Scary Monsters

Delta Sleep completely surprised everyone this year by releasing this EP without any prior announcement or notice. No teaser tracks, no hints at studio time, just completely out of the blue. Props to these British math-rock legends for their secrecy; it was certainly a fun thing to wake up and see all over social media on a random Saturday in September. These guys definitely have a formula or format they stick to on their releases, so this is more of the same for longtime fans, and that’s largely a good thing. I still think they tend to rely on filler tracks or noise too frequently, but the good definitely outweighs the bad. This was easily my favorite EP of 2019 and is definitely worth mentioning for this list.

#15

UNWED SAILOR: “Heavy Age”

released May 3 via Current Taste / Johnathan Ford

Man, was I really looking forward to this one. My favorite band releasing their first full-length album in 11 years? And their first new music in 6 years in general? What could go wrong? Not much, to be honest, but I felt overall underwhelmed with “Heavy Age”. Most of the songs run together or could use editing instead of just repeating passes ad naseum. Also, the 13-minute-plus album closer “When You Want Me There” is largely meandering and pointless. Still, I love Johnathan Ford and his merry band of musicians for a reason, and there are definitely quality songs and moments on this record. I worry that I might be including them here out of obligation, but it still was better than other records I left off my list this year. The band has also already announced another new record in 2020, and I’ll go into that with the same reckless abandon of excitement as I did this album.

#14

SOMOS: “Prison On A Hill”

released August 30 via Tiny Engines

I really, really, really wanted to love this record. Boston’s Somos had been teasing this album’s progress for over a year, and their previous releases have been some of my favorite pop and punk from the decade. I’m not always the biggest proponent of politically charged art, but Somos always did it in a way that was sensible and understated. Unfortunately, this album’s release came prematurely due to tragic passing of guitarist Phil Haggerty. The band was able to put out the album earlier than anticipated with all funding going to Haggerty’s funeral expenses and family, which was a wonderful move by record label Tiny Engines. The album doesn’t feel rushed or unfinished, but is a bit too muddled and all-over-the-place for my liking. Longtime drummer Evan Deges left the band prior to the recording of “Prison”, and Somos decided to go the route of programmed drums instead of a session musician or new band member. The result is sadly a bit soulless, although it does compliment some of the more electronic leans in the band’s sound as well. The truly sad thing is that this will most likely be the last release by this band per their social media and interviews post-release, and I wish that tragedy would not have struck them during a time of a seemingly musical lack of focus.

#13

COUNTERPARTS: “Nothing Left to Love”

released November 1 via Pure Noise Records

I’ve been a huge fan of these Canadian melodic hardcore mainstays for ages, but I wasn’t crazy about their last release, 2017′s “You’re Not You Anymore”. Two of my favorite members (drummer Kelly Bilal and guitarist Jesse Doreen) quit the band right before it came out, and the resulting record felt unpolished and rushed. Thankfully, a bit more seasoning for the new members on the road and in the studio seems to have worked wonders, as “Nothing Left to Love” is back on the quality path for these bruisers. I’ve always adored vocalist Brendan Murphy’s delivery, and it’s legit stunning that he still has a throat after years of brutal barking, let alone how good it sounds on this release. Additionally, the band has a clever skill of interweaving cool triplets or other rhythms and complex structures underneath otherwise traditional breakdowns or song structures, which puts them in rarified air in a traditionally by-the-numbers genre. All this said, the title track / album closer sort of ruins the album for me. It’s essentially an unnecessary clean, polished filler track and feels tacked on to extend the length of the record, and I almost always skip it. Still, it was excellent to hear these guys back on their game, and I’m excited to see where they go from here.

#12

STATE FAULTS: “Clairvoyant”

released June 21 via No Sleep Records

I can’t say that this is the most original record I’ve ever heard. Anyone who is a fan of Deafheaven or any similar noisy / thrashy metal outfits will certainly find this sound familiar. However, it’s done with an unabashed energy and brutality alongside a sincerity that is truly refreshing. There’s a fascinating rawness to both Johnny Andrew’s shrieking vocals and the utter cacophony his bandmates whip up throughout their songs. The dedication to melody throughout everything also makes the songs memorable. This album caught me completely out of nowhere via an Anthony Fantano shoutout and resonated in all its ugly glory.

#11

KING GIZZARD AND THE LIZARD WIZARD: “Fishing For Fishies”

released April 26 via Flightless Records / ATO Records

Speaking of the Internet’s Busiest Music Nerd, I first heard of these Australian weirdos thru the Needle Drop’s channel, but didn’t really fully deep dive into their prolific catalogue until this year. The fact that they released 2 full-length albums in 2019 is impressive enough (let alone releasing FIVE in 2017), but it’s jaw-dropping that the two most recent efforts are on complete opposite ends in terms of sound and genre. I personally prefer the blues-rock goodness of “Fishies” to the thrash-metal leanings of “Infest The Rat’s Nest”, but unending respect to these dudes for managing to pull both off convincingly. . The album closer “Cyboogie” is a bit too overlong and bizarre for me, but it works as a nice transition to the concepts the band bring out for “Infest The Rat’s Nest”, so I get where they are coming from. This album has some of the most infectious grooves and blues guitar riffs I’ve heard while passing along a necessary message on environmental concerns and conservationalism. The serious bits aren’t require, though, and it’s certainly plenty of fun to kick out the jams and enjoy the ride.

#10

INFANT ANNIHILATOR: “The Battle of Yaldabaoth”

Self-released by the band on September 11

Ok, ok...I get it. Most people will dismiss these grindcore hooligans as an internet joke band. That’s really what I went into this record expecting: Absurd lyrics, hilarious-yet-impressive vocals, blistering blastbeats, etc. I was instead greeted by one of the impressive and intricate technical death metal albums I’ve experienced. Vocalist Dickie Allen truly outdoes himself with his quite frankly ridiculous vocal range, but Eddie Pickard truly deserves credit for the album’s newfound ventures. His guitar and bass work is over-the-top but mesmerizing, and the riffs and structures he crafts here are all sorts of brilliant. As funny as it feels to type out, this band really needs to be taken seriously, or at the very least should be commended for leaning into the joke and delivering something complex, disgusting and awe-inspiring.

JIMMY EAT WORLD: “Surviving”

released October 18 via Exotic Location and RCA Records

Speaking of things I didn’t see coming this year...I adore Jimmy Eat World. “Clarity” is one of my favorite albums of all time, but I’ve largely fallen off keeping up with the band’s recent releases. Some good friends (+realfriends) talked up their latest and 10th release, “Surviving”, so I picked it up out of curiosity and was stunned at how competent and compelling it is. I even love the song with no obvious guitars or drums that I would have probably normally panned as a grab at radio airplay (”555″), and generally find the album to be completely badass. Kudos to JEW for proving they still belong in the upper echelon of emo and rock.

THE GET UP KIDS: “Problems”

released May 10 via Polyvinyl Record Co.

...speaking of comeback records...well, maybe that’s not quite accurate, but this was another surprise from a band I grew up loving that had largely lapses in my regular rotation. I guess 2019 had a theme of revisiting bands of my youth due to them reforming, doing anniversary tours, or releasing new music for the first time in ages. The Get Up Kids fly back to the heights of old with a manic punk barrage of joy. It’s probably my fault for not keeping tabs on these guys, but this record is gutsy and charming and lovely. It’s not really reinventing the wheel, but GUK basically constructed the wheel to begin with, so we really owe them more credit all around.

BARS OF GOLD: “Shelters”

released April 12 via Equal Vision Records

Bars of Gold have been an enigma of sorts throughout their existence. Largely well-known due to rising from the ashes of indie / screamo miasma BEARVSSHARK, the band is content to rest on their laurels and release music and play shows whenever they feel like it, largely due to family and other commitments. This leaves fans like me tripping over their own feet whenever something does come out. The Michiganders truly feel like a group of dads finding the one day a month when they all have a free evening to plug in their guitars and whip up some chaos, and it’s always fun to see the results. Marc Paffi has also always been one of my favorite vocalists, so the opportunity to hear his wacky lyrics and throat is always cherished. Here’s hoping we don’t need to wait 5 or so years for another album, but patience has been rewarded with these guys.

ORIGAMI ANGEL: “Somewhere City”

released November 15th via Chatterbot Records

Props to my buddy Steve Lee for turning me on to this band (as well as 2 others in my top 5). Origami Angel are one of those bands that defies logic: “How can two dudes make so much noise?”, “How can he play guitar like that while singing?”, “How did these guys put out one of the best indie rock records of the year seemingly out of nowhere?”, etc. Regardless of any questions, I was floored by this album and it was definitely the band I listened to the most for the last part of the year. It’s catchy, diverse, well-rounded and doesn’t overstay its welcome by being just under 30 minutes long with all the fat trimmed off. What more could you want?

PEDRO THE LION: “Phoenix”

released January 18 via Polyvinyl Record Co.

I had a strange moment at some point this year where I found a YouTube video of David Bazan performing a song from Pedro The Lion’s first release (2001′s It’s Hard To Find a Friend”). I was struck by how different his voice sounded nearly 2 decades later thanks to touring and life in general. It certainly was not a bad change, but just one that struck me as a sign of the passage of time. That sort of nostalgia and reflection is all over “Phoenix”, which is largely Bazan dusting off his childhood diary and describing memories of his hometown, tales of school, church, regret, family, plans and tragedies. It’s a celebration of memories, lessons learned and where one comes from, and Bazan’s direct delivery and brilliant-yet-understated lyrics paint perfect pictures. Hopefully it doesn’t take us over a decade for another Pedro release, but Bazan and company cement their status as songwriters and storytellers with this release.

PUP: “Morbid Stuff”

released April 5 via Rise Records and Little Dipper

PUP was a new phenomenon for me this year. These Canadian rockers are full of piss and vinegar, supercharging a sound that is simultaneously infectious and off-putting in the best possible way. They take a genre that can be same-y and repetitive and inject a lesser band’s whole back-catalogues’ worth of creativity and energy, leaving the listener enthralled and endlessly guessing what will happen next. Vocalist Stefan Babcock takes some getting used to, but his permanent-sneer delivery and slam poetry has a charm that compliments his playful and honest lyrics. However, it’s the moments where he busts out of his speak-singing or general hollering to delivery a super catchy hook or chorus that truly put him at another level and proves PUP to be one of the most exciting things to happen in the punk and rock genre.

MASKED INTRUDER: “III”

released March 1 via Pure Noise Records

With the exception of Unwed Sailor, this was my most anticipated record of 2019. Masked Intruder is one of those bands I listen to constantly. I usually default to putting my iTunes or Spotify on shuffle, and find it always makes me happier. For “III” the band hotwired their usual fun, tongue-in-cheek poperpop and craft a pretty perfect record in the process. Previous MI albums had a skippable track here and there, but this one is all killer, no filler. I’ve always adored the underlying Motown or doo-wop foundations in their songwriting and vocal harmonies, which add a timeless throwback quality to their song structures. The heart-on-sleeve lonely lyrics and constant references to petty crimes and best-laid plans are the icing on the top of this sugary musical sundae. It might be irreverent and occasionally basic, but sometimes that is all I wanted in music, and these guys delivered it in spades with this record.

FREE THROW: “What’s Past is Prologue”

released March 29 via Triple Crown Records

From the opposite end of the emotional spectrum, Nashville’s Free Throw released a quality emo record that doesn’t focus on pining for lost loves or revisiting relationship heartbreak and instead dives into one’s personal mental health and well-being. Props to vocalist Cory Castro and the rest of the band for completely baring all and channeling their honesty into this powerhouse album. However, there’s also plenty of diversity in the band’s sound and delivery. No song really sounds like the next, largely thanks to the band employing 3 guitar players who rarely play the same thing as each other. Some emo staples are here, though, such as frenetic drumming, clever tapping riffs, and stripped down moments with just a guitar and Castro’s vocals. All in all, this record makes you feel better about yourself and truly feels like the band came to the same conclusion while making it, which is gargantuan. When Castro belts out “TODAY I FINALLY LEARNED TO SAY I LOVE MYSELF” towards the end of the album-closing title track, you can’t help but root for him in his own journey towards mental health, but to not feel inspiring to do the same for yourself. It will encourage and inspire you, and feels deeply personal and universal all at the same time.

SNOOZE: “Familiaris”

Self-released by the band on May 3

There were so many times during this past year where I’d be driving, doing chores, at the gym or doing some sort of menial task where I’d decide to put on music and stop myself short of putting on this record again. I’d say “OK, you have to listen to something else besides the Snooze album. You’re doing to get sick of it if you keep listening to it this much. We don’t want that to happen.” Despite these odd concerns, I can say that this truly never happened. This album is effortlessly relistenable to me and has become my anti-depressant. I can’t help but feel charged up on happiness and charm while this is playing. It’s so chock full of killer vocal harmonies, clever yet crazy guitar riffs, well-restrained double-bass fills and brilliant song arrangements. It’s also a cyclical record, meaning one song runs right into the next and the end of the album theoretically plays right into the start, which makes turning it off quite difficult indeed. Add to all this the fact that it’s a concept album about how amazing dogs are, and you’re left with a spellbinding listening experience. This is one of the best records I’ve heard this decade, let alone this year, and essentially locked its place as my album of the year during my first playthru. Well done, Snooze. Who’s a good boy?

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editorialsonlife · 7 years

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April

Well, April was a month!! It disappeared so quickly. And now its may, and I’m on another ridiculously turbulent flight down to Dunedin this time - first time ever going there! So I shall write a life update to distract myself in the interim.

I also ate best ugly bagels at the airport and got jam on my screen so it’s all sticky. Bad planning yo.

Oh April! We started off with three days up in auckland for work. Damn was I hanging out for those three days, in the peace and quiet of a hotel room, away from everyone and normal life and the office and dare I even say it, Dave. And it was lovely. The humidity was most definitely not! But it was great getting to be up there and hanging out with people and getting to know their jobs a bit better as well. I got a lot of stuff done and it was so good to just be able to walk out of the office and go home and not have to be anything to anyone and just journal and watch what I wanted to on Netflix and so much other good shit.

The downside was I got sick - boo. Got back to Wellington and a cranky boyfriend and oh my god this plane wants to kill us all. Jeepers.

I went to a first aid course the next day deaf in one ear, and by the time I got to work on Friday could hardly hear in either ear! Anyway, ear infections usually clear up quickly for me which is good because then it was HOLIDAY TIME!! and by holiday I mean road trip up north to Taupo and Rotorua and Auckland. Primarily for Auckland zoo and Kelly tarltons because let’s be real all Dave and I care about are cute fluffy animals. Except, then, on top of everything else arrives a chest and sinus infection. #allclass #gobigorgohome

Which actually turned out to not be such a disaster because it meant we actually slowed the f down, and didn’t try and cram a million things in and we didn’t feel bad about staying in bed til 9am every day and going to bed early. So we spent a lot of time in hot pools and just wandering slowly and I went on swings in every single city we went to. Man, swings are just so much fun! I seriously want a decent set in our back yard.

Taupo was lovely and we had such nice weather. I really like it as a laid-back country kinda vibe. Its a great place to mosey round and read some books and just relax. Quest was awesome too. Both of us were just so excited to have a big bathroom again!! Honestly, its so the little things in life that make you happy. We also had a washing machine and dryer as well which was fabulous!

We drove up to Auckland on the Monday and oh my god, so many roadworks. We hadn’t even made it to Auckland and both of us were just like, f living here ever (no offence aucklanders, but your traffic is shit and your city is so badly laid out). Auckland zoo was cool but OH MY GOD so many freaking rat???? Like, literally ever single enclosure had multiple rats in it!! It turned into spot the rat not the animals actually there. And proper big, 20 cm long body rats, not little field mice or anything. Groooosssss.

And then to make it the perfect storm of health things, I got my period on the drive up, LOL. poor Dave, he never gets laid on holiday. I don’t know we always manage it but we do. Crack up.

The hotel was good, the fact it had two bedrooms was awesome and we had a washing machine in our room as well?? Nailed the washing on this trip, honestly. I basically wore the same three things the whole time. #lazyas

We decided Waiheke was too far (lol, that’s how lazy we were) so we did Devonport instead which was lovely. And had a great playground with fab swings (a+ recommend if looking for swings in Auckland)

Omg this plane is rocking like a boat it’s the weirdest sensation.

We also went to Kelly tarltons where we bought Bruce, a massive soft toy shark!! He’s so amazing, he’s my new cuddle buddy at night, he’s almost as long as I am. Poor Steve has been demoted (Steve being the dugong Dave and I bought on our first ever trip overseas to Sydney). It was hilarious because we went on the morning that tropical cyclone cook was meant to hit Auckland and they were banging on about how terrible it was going to be for Auckland so everyone mass evacuated (sensible, because if our office up there is anything to go by, no one had emergency kits or would know how to get home if anything actually went wrong). So everyone is stocking up on groceries and water and food, and then there’s me and Dave wandering up Queen Street after going to a pharmacy for more drugs (Dave was sick too by now) and me with a giant soft toy shark. We got some odd looks man. It was great! We went back to the hotel and celebrated by watching finding Nemo waiting for the worst of the weather to pass. After that we went to town and played minigolf and got burgers for dinner. All in all it was a very us five year anniversary. Speaking of which, we had our five year anniversary WHAAAAAAAAATTTT where did those five years even go?!?! God I love that boy.

The next day we joined the rest of Auckland evacuating for easter weekend and it took 6 hours to get to Rotorua (usually 2.5). So stupid. Dave was definitely sick because at that point for the first time ever he actually slept in the car. Crazy. It was a really fun drive though Google maps took us on all these mental back roads that were flooded and had trees down and fun crazy stuff so I had a good time. We spent a night in rotovegas with my mental family which was lovely and my uncle finally gave me a prescription for antibiotics (cheers to having a doctor in the family). We went back to Taupo for another night and cruised on home.

It was all rather lovely, despite being so sick.

And then it’s been back to work and the busyness and the rest of life.

One of the best things about April was doing my best to deal with the small things for my mental health, which has been pretty shaky over the last 8 weeks. I knew that after my birthday I needed extra help because #life and not coping, and I found a fucking AMAZING naturopath who I just love so much. She’s been so helpful and supportive. I went to her originally for my anxiety and crazy overthinking and she does homeopathic stuff and whatever she gave me fixed it within a week. Well, fixed it as in it took away the total panic from the overthinking, not that the anxiety has gone away but the whole ‘sky is falling down feeling’s disappeared enough to allow some rational thought back in. I went back on Anzac Day (bless her, she came in for an appointment just for me because we couldn’t make a workday work) and was like, so you said responsibility like, 40 times the other week, let’s look at that, and now we’re working through my hating the system feeling, and dealing with all the suppression that came with working at shit old job and various other life situations.

One of the biggest things I’m struggling with right now is hating the system that society has designed. like, who the fuck ever thought it was a good idea to work 40 hours a week and create a world where people can’t achieve self fulfillment and why don’t we let people work to their natural strengths and why do you have to own a house to be an adult and all this other fucking nonsense. And how do you live a life of your terms but also somehow within the system and cultural norms as well because I don’t want to be an outsider but there’s so many things I don’t agree with and how are so many people ok with sneidng kids to school hungry each day and just, whyyyyyyyyyyy do we all exist and why have we created this inequity and inequality in life?! Like, I don’t get it and I don’t know how to live in it and I don’t know how you’re meant to bring kids up ok this and so many other things ya know.

So just like, not tackling the big issues or anything at all.

Actually, I was watching Moana on Saturday night and just bawling my eyes out because its so reflective of life - the world is telling you to be this and this and this and this and somehow you have to find the courage to be like, nah, fuck off mate, I’m Gunna go sail my ship far away from y'all and see what needs doing somewhere else.

So Sophie, god bless her soul, I absolutely love her, and she tells me I’m not crazy, and I’m not losing my shit, and that while there’s not necessarily an answer we can still deal with it and cope with feelings and also she’s been there and done that and that it will get better.

And I’m so, so grateful I’ve found her. I’m also grateful for all the ladies in my life who have put up with these brutally honest conversations in my life, and let me cry over lunch, and who are working through all their own things and still manage to hold space for me, and who create space for laughter and silliness as well. I’m so grateful for Dave who is willing to just ride the wave with me and go with it. That boy puts up with so much from me and just takes it and goes with it and doesn’t complain. Work has likewise been amazing. I told my boss I was losing my shit internally and I was going to be disappearing for a few hours each week to sort myself out and he was so upset with himself because he’d asked how everyone else was doing but he hadn’t asked me how I was. Even more so he was like, what can we do for you, do you need work from home days, do you need time in other offices, do you not want to travel, just let me know what you need and I will make it happen. Which was fucking lovely.

I also took a month of fitbit and stressing about my weight and I bought new clothes that make me feel good and it’s so much nicer than loathing yourself every single day and cramming yourself into something too small and pretending like it’s ok.

PRAISE BE JESUS WE HAVE FINALLY LANDED.

I apologise for all the typos, I’ll try and fix them at some point. That was a seriously bumpy flight. Amen for antianxiety pills that make it all ok.

Now I just have to turn around and do it all again in 10 hours time.

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notyourordinarysuperman · 5 years

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2018 Year In Review

2018 hasn’t been exactly the kind of year that I expected it to be. I had a lot of great experiences but also had a ton of downfalls that had me almost quitting. To say that I had a tough year is an understatement. This year was the second year of officially being done with college and actually starting to do “adult” things. Not those things, but the things an adult would do to survive. Right now I’m writing this while listening to Spotify’s custom-made playlist “Christmas Pop”, so forgive me for the messy, disorganized thought process happening right in this post.

Drama aside, 2018 has taught me a lot of lessons that I’d never get anywhere else aside from being at the rock bottom. Sure, the mountain top gave me a view of what’s below, but the real things happen on the other side. Without further ado, here’s my 2018.

January was a month that I officially started at my new job as a Behavior Therapist. I started working with young children diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), implementing treatment programs tailored for each individual’s needs. At first I was hesitant to take the job, but it was 5 minutes away from the house and it provided an opportunity for me to go full-time. This, in turn would provide me with benefits and more earnings, which I need because I planned to go back to school this year. I started the training process, which seemed easy at first. But the real deal happened when I started face-to-face training with the children.

February came, and I was focused on working a lot of extra hours from being part-time for a month. I finished my training and passed the preliminary competency tests. I was so happy, and they immediately scheduled my exam to become an official Registered Behavior Technician. I had a week to review and then I made it. Man, was I so happy. I became fully independent with my kids and starting getting close to 40 hours almost every week.

March was a rather chill month for work, except that I started doubting if I’ll ever be enough for my significant other. We haven’t spent a lot of quality online time (we were in an LDR since 2016) I felt that my partner was pulling away. I tried to save it but the arguments would always end in a hot mess. I tried giving him the space he needs and he gave me mine. Also, I almost lost my cousin in what seems to be an unexpected elopement into Oregon after an Instagram story stating she doesn’t care anymore. I was so distressed and I couldn’t give my 100% at work all of the time. Thankfully, we were able to take her back, and man, was I so happy.

April was significant, because this was the month my employers offered me full-time status and benefits. I was doubting myself but I just accepted the offer since this was what I was waiting for, anyway. I started working full 40-hour weeks and oh boy, the adjustment was not what I expected. I took the leap from 25-28 hrs/week to a full 40. I didn’t know how much 12 additional hours of work could do until I did it.

May was a month I’d always remember because I thought I could salvage what I had with my partner. We were supposed to be 2 years the following month. And things went along fine for a while. But that’s what I thought. It went downhill from this month on, eventually leading to our break up. At the same time, I got my permission letter from the Board, allowing me to take my examination to become a nurse in the state of California. I had to force myself to review 3 hrs a night after work, even when I was not emotionally prepared. I was determined not to let my depression get in the way of my license. I have waited so long for this.

June was supposed to be the month of our 2-year anniversary, but unfortunately, we didn’t make it. I still woke up exactly at 12 midnight on the supposed day of our anniversary. We were both online, but we posted separate things on our profiles but probably made it visible only to each other. I was so devastated, and I was crying for 4 hrs straight. We decided that we’d have no form of any contact after this, in order to start our recovery. It was hard. I tried hard, and I was able not to contact him but almost every night I was crying so much.

My examination was a week away from it, so I decided to stop reviewing and just take a break and reserve myself for the test. Thank heavens I passed. I officially got my license number a few days after I passed it.

July was my birthday month. I decided I’d focus myself on work and family for now. I wasn’t emotionally ready for anything anyway, as I am still not okay. But it didn’t feel as significant as I usually would have, because I celebrated my birthday at work. I was with my kids and they greeted me, but I wish I was off on that day. Haha. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and the kids, but I hope I was not working that day, that’s all. My family and I celebrated my birthday just with a dinner at a restaurant. I think that’s how adults celebrate it, right? Also, this month was the one I started feeling a little bit of burnout here and there because of long work hours combined with working with different kids almost everyday. It tested my flexibility and knowledge of the basics that I learned from training and how I’d apply it to a kid I haven’t worked with before. Thankfully I survived, and most of them love me now. Haha!

August was the month I was saving up most of my money from work because I decided to go back to school for some further studies. Thankfully my dad said he’d help me and so I enrolled for a program that started the following month. It’s still ongoing, and I hope to finish it with flying colors. I was afraid my employers wouldn’t let me do it, but fortunately, they did. They said it was because of how they value me as an awesome (their words, not mine) employee and they’d rather have me gone for a little bit than forever.

I was still recovering from my emotions when he decided to visit my house and actually talk to me, after months of not talking. I so badly wanted to get back together, but I told myself not to do it. We talked for a bit but I was holding back my words and my tears the whole time. I tried to be happy for him and pretend that I’m okay with what he was saying. What a way to end my August.

I started studying in September in Miami, Florida. It was my first time there, and it was so humid and warm at the same time. Luckily, I made some new friends. However, I decided I’d live on my own because it provided me with a sense of privacy and just in case I wouldn’t have any friends while I’m there. I was wrong.

October rolled and although I was friends with almost all of my classmates, I had joined a specific group of people I’d call my home. We had a lot of shared stories almost every night, and we’d always hang out late. I formed a friendship I haven’t had in such a long time, and I thought I didn’t deserve them. But they made me feel like I can be myself around them.

November was like October, except that there were a lot of instances where I’d feel burnout at work; I had this one kid I’m working with that even though I’ve already had him for 3 months, he showed low to no signs of improvement on the targets my team had. I began to feel frustrated and I’d usually doubt myself if I deserved to be working with this kid. There were nights when I’d blame myself.

December went by so fast. I didn’t even feel it until it was done. School was still going on, and me and my classmates had a Christmas Party in Miami. I had a small argument with one of my close friends, one of those I had made in October. I’ve apologized ever since, but we haven’t talked to each other after it happened.

I know I shouldn’t be feeling hurt anymore, but I did, as I saw my ex got engaged. I know it shouldn’t be a big deal but for me it was. I thought when the right time came, I could win him back. But nope, not anymore.

One of the best things happened this month though, as I was able to see my older brother in Augusta, Georgia after not seeing him for 6 years. I flew straight from Miami to Augusta and spent 4 days in Georgia. He and his friends took me to Atlanta and showed me all the beautiful places to go visit. They took me out to awesome restaurants and we ate so much food. I flew right back to California on the 24th to celebrate Christmas with my parents, though. Well, also because I had work on the 26th.

I know for a lot of people, the things I have here are mostly normal “adult” things, but words are not enough to explain the emotions, feelings, and thoughts I had this year. I apologize if you think I wasted your time reading this post of my year in review. I try to do this so I won’t forget significant things that happened to my life every year.

I must say that even though there were bad things that happened to me this year, I’m glad I survived this year. This year was definitely harder than 2017, and 2016 (which was my best year so far). My patience, faith, and resilience was tested a lot this year. I received a lot of great things and learned a lot of valuable lessons, which I will be carrying this next year. There were things I wish I could turn back, and there were things I wish I could’ve just skipped. But I think the journey is part of the process. I want to think that everything I’m going through right now is supposed to make me a better person than I was yesterday, which is what I strive for everyday.

I’d like to say sorry for everyone I hurt this year, be it intentionally and unintentionally. I never meant to hurt anyone. Thank you for everyone new I met, thank you for those who stuck with me through thick and thin, thank you for those who came and taught me lessons.

Cheers to you, my dear reader (if you made it this far), for finishing 2018. I wish you all the best for the following years to come. I know you had a hard year too, one filled with struggles and pain. But guess what? We made it.

Thank you, 2018. Next!

#2018YIR #CheersToABetter2019 #2018Was

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aestheticallysamilouise-blog · 7 years

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April 30th, 2017

Hello everyone,

My name is Sami Louise and I'm just your pretty average typical young adult emo/goth/scene/punk/alternative/what the hell ever you would like to call me, person. I've decided to make a visible online blog for everyone to read so I could get my thoughts and ideas out in the world. Maybe it will help me to not want to kill myself so much. No, I'm not joking. I'm an ex-cutter and for the first time in a long time I am being forced to actually deal with my shit myself while trying not to slice myself up.

I guess for my first entry I should basically summarize how my life is going right now.

My life took a massive shit on me back in November of last year. November 23rd to be exact. I remember because it was my mother's birthday and the night before Thanksgiving. My boyfriend of four years (with a minor 7 month break due to me and my fear of commitment) was supposed to be coming over. I cleaned my room. I woke from a nap and it was 6pm..no messages from him. I felt this terrible dread in my stomach, like something was wrong but I just didn't know what. I texted him.

“Hey when are you coming over?” I texted him.

“I've been thinking a lot lately.”

Oh no. I thought.

“Good or bad thoughts...?”

“Bad.”

“About...us?”

“Yeah.”

I at this point call him because my heart was imploding in my chest. I couldn't think straight. I told him I couldn't understand what he was saying because he was crying so hard. I told him I was coming over (which was a half hour drive for me.) to pick up all of my things and talk about this in person. I mean, he owed me just that. If he was going to finally end this after a good long four years, it was going to be in person. I remember as I was putting my shoes on I kept screaming curses. “DICK!” & “ASSHOLE!” You know, your basic insults.

On the drive to his house I just kept thinking about how I was going to move to Colorado as soon as I save up enough money for it. I was finally ready to give into my mother's many requests and hints and join her and my brother, father, and niece out there to begin a new life. Have a fresh start. Get away from California for good. There is nothing left for me here but good, bad memories.

It was your standard break up. He was wearing the blue plaid button up shirt I had gotten him for our Anniversary not even ten days earlier. He looked so good. It was a “It's not you it's me” type break up. He even used the ever so classic, “I love you but I'm not in love with you.” speech. I admit though, I did punch his legs and arms a couple times. I was so mad. I cried, he cried, he held me. I sacked up, finished packing up my things & I put them in my car. We kiss goodbye and I drove off.

Now, that same night I didn't want to be home alone because I knew for sure that if I was alone I was really going to kill myself. I hit up an old-time friend, David. I went over to his house and we talked until 1am the next morning. He made me laugh and made me feel good. David and I used to date a long time ago back in 2011. He was my one that got away and still to this day is the hottest person I've ever slept with. He ended up being a good friend of mine after I quit hating him after we broke up. I like having David in my corner fighting for me. He always has my back and is honest with me. After that night we began to hang out like every weekend there for like a month and he made me feel so invincible. His school year started up after that and we barely see each other now but I make sure that we remain talking because he will always be in my thoughts and my heart that's for sure.

Two weeks after my ex and I broke up and we said we were going to be friends still, a mutual friend of ours gave me heads up saying that my ex had began dating someone else, I shortly found out after this that the mystery girl ended up being his band's old manager. I met her a couple times in the end. This girl apparently is so terrible that no one wants to be around her. All my mutual friends that used go to his house a lot don't really do anymore. She has MS and is apparently dying, even though I know people who have had MS and lived for a long, long time. She makes my ex do absolutely everything for her, she is a 4 in the dating scale when I am at least a 6. Well I promised my friend I wouldn't say anything. And I didn't. Until my ex started calling me out on his twitter passive aggressively. Turns out one of our mutual friends on two of my social media outlets was telling him stories about how I was fucking some guy named Luke. I know one Luke, he commented something sweet on my facebook on one of my post-breakup posts. I hadn't seen this guy for at least a year at this time. They also mentioned a snap I took of me laying on David's bed, fully clothed, make up and hair on point, talking to David. Apparently that means I was sleeping with him. After a long fight my ex and I decided to not talk anymore.

I left some of my things at his place since I was angerly packing I missed some things. We made a date for my to come and pick them up. I got all done up, banging actually, got my sexy ass in the car and began driving to his place. I was ready to have some closure and say goodbye. Leave him pining after what he lost but as I’m getting off the freeway he texts me saying that my stuff was in a box on his porch and I can just walk up and get them. I begged for him to come outside and say goodbye but he said apparently he wasn’t home. I got to his house and his car was there. I walked up to his porch. Grabbed my box, And went back into the car and drove home crying the whole way. We haven’t spoken since.

In January of this year I was diagnosed with a slightly rare skin disease called Lichen Planus.

“Lichen planus (LP) is a disease characterized by itchy reddish-purple polygon-shaped skin lesions on the lower back, wrists, and ankles.[1] It may also present with a burning sensation in the mouth, and a lattice-like network of white lines near sites of erosion (Wickham striae). The cause is unknown, but it is thought to be the result of an autoimmune process with an unknown initial trigger. There is no cure, but many different medications and procedures have been used in efforts to control the symptoms.”

In August of I began to get a rash all over my body after I returned from one of my ex's band's shows in Willits, Ca. I thought it was poison ivy because apparently it was all over that place. I had itchy bumps all over my body for about three months out the end of my relationship with my ex and when I was finally diagnosed after seeing four different doctors and five months all together, I texted him. I heard nothing back.

I'm fine now, after being treated with UV rays my rash has dropped down to %80 which was the goal. It's starting to form in my mouth but that's nothing a good ointment won't take care of...results to come.

Everything was pretty basic between then and now. I tried dating again but it ended up being pointless and just not worth my effort right now. I attempted to try and take a 23 year old virgin's Vcard but after he tried to argue with me about how fast we were moving (making out and oral) twice, at the second time I was like fuck this, I do not have the time. So I ended that. I tried talking to a guy I met before meeting my ex and he figured that since we had sex 5 years ago then that just means we can start back up right from where we left off and got mad at me because I got mad at him for always asking for sex from me and telling him no. Nice guy. I started talking to a friend of one of the two mutual friends with the ex but even that guy ended up being a lying douche bag who only wanted sex from me too. Like, I am a person here. Not just a vagina for you to come and fuck when it's convenient for you. So I gave up on dating California boys. I'll think about picking up dating again when I move to Colorado. I hope my Colorado boy will have a beard. And a man bun. Man buns are my guilty pleasures.

This weekend shows up and I am hanging out with a couple friends from Woodland. I was informed that my ex has married the band manager. Why? Not because of true love, no. They are married because her parents hate my ex so much that they cut her off from all the money they give her (they are rich af) and took her off of their health insurance and knowing my ex, he probably felt bad and let her talk him into getting married so she can be on his health insurance. Apparently she does heroin now too.

My ex has been ignoring my texts for almost five months now. He either reads and ignores them, deletes them right away, changed his number, or blocked mine because he never replies. I texted him today though.

“I know you're ignoring my text messages or have blocked my number from your phone or even laugh at what I send you sometimes but something about messaging this number gives me serenity at these hard times. Do I wish more than anything in this world that you would talk to me? Yes. There is so much that I want to tell you. So many good things. I think I like the silence, however. It helps me to realize how gone you are from me. That I will never have you back in my life. As much as I wish that was different. As an ex-girlfriend it makes me happy knowing the things I know but, as a friend, I am worried about you. It's so weird having such strong contradictory feelings for someone. On one hand I'm happy and on the other I worry about you on the daily. I hope that you are doing okay and when you are ready to have a true friend fighting for you in your corner, I hope you'll have the peace in your heart long enough to talk to me. I give very good advice and I'm a great listener. Anyways, I hope that you are okay.”

And no reply, of course.

My old high school theater director passed away today. A man that taught me so much and had such an impact on my life is now gone. I hope he is finally at peace riding a huuuuuge dragon. He loves dragons.

R.I.P. Tom Fearon.

We will all miss you.

#confsessionsofayoungaduleemogoth justanotherdiary depression life breakup storytime lichenplanus lp lifetimediseases fuckedup

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