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source-of-support · 1 year

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Two Books. Two Thirds of the Trivium.

Grammar Book For You and I (Oops, Me) and

An Introduction to Logic and Scientific Method.

Don't you see, Socrates? when I flip this switch, the electric world of tomorrow lights the dawn of a new civilization.

I learned that I don't know how to read from my 11th grade teacher.

I learned to read from Jung and A Grammar Book for You and I, Oops Me. and my 12th grade teacher.

At the heart of science is a leap. of faith. This leap begins to grow wider with every effort to look down into its recess.

As Alan watts put it, There is always a curious tie at some point between the fall and the creation. taking this ghastly risk is the condition of there being life. you see for all of life is an act of faith and an act of gamble. you see the moment you take a step you do so on an act of faith because you don't really know the floor won't give out underneath your feet.

The leap of faith is the first thing I wanted to know about. I studied Grammar. Yes. I see, I said.

And then I turned to Logic and the Scientific Method.

This study was cut short by my room mate deciding I was a piece of shit for reading and writing. My other housemate was a piece of shit too. Cueball I called him. Like the bikers in pokemon blue and red. Round and bald as a cueball he was. And also a piece of shit toward me. With that said, And heard hopefully.

Logic, I said to my bro in a letter, is based on laws governing laws. Which law is the first law? And what law possesses the power to bind the laws of Logic to all things? This, along with a proclivity toward the thought pattern, led me to ponder idly solipsism. a hagard thought system. but my 12th grade english teacher taught me one thing about solipsism. It is irrefutable.

Solipsism is the only, and I mean it. Only. Leap of faith. All else follows. The leap of faith in Indiana Jones and the last crusade is a manmade puzzle.

Solving a puzzle without all the pieces isn't the primal leap. from self to other. That to choose to refute solipsism in all its essence and find existence in all its raw energy is somehow liberating. People would rather believe in a collective solipsism. Their primal eggshells carried about in fear and comradery, never hatched or understood, the forms never aligning to dictate to their inclination a throwing away of fear and stand upright.

Solving that puzzle was a story of cinema.

Looking at life and prescribing for others life patterns is cinema.

Good Will Hunting is a story. Of cinema.

If one thinks of themself as a god. As Jesus, praise be, was apt to think of us. If one thinks of us all as Divine, wherein does our divinity lay? the umbilical. the line of umbilical cords every person can trace back. The world axis. The creative effloresce.

But I ask myself, eggshell atop my back stooping me over to do my be-egg-shelled lifework, what does a person do? as the cinema would have us ask ourselves, what would a Free Man do.

Is it any less for its source? is an eggshell so bad? or else a question? I would, and I am sure of this, as sure as I can be of anything, say that the source has no bearing on the intent with which one uses the power a thing contains.

What, as I sit here resting my back from its eggshell carrying, does a human do. What is that question if it isn't, in the end, a means of proverbially setting me on the quest to unhook the eggshell from my waist and let it fall to the ground and be trampled to uselfess pieces.

And also, what is this cinema if it doesn't set us all down the path to discover for ourselves the uses and means and ends and nature of our own being.

I'm of the mind that like Quills, but for different audiences, I am meant to write my way into the pit of a dungeon to be tortured for my insistence, gathering my eggshell's pieces and writing on my arms my truth, if need come to it, my legs as well. and then, with all my breath, cursing the be-egg-shelled among you.

instead of swallowing the crucifix, I would swallow my eggshell pills. yes. my arms would be fastened to the waterboard. my 70% water body board. how long could I go without my truth? a muzzle betwixt my teeth I would think it. until the sound of babbling doctors put me straight. Like winston, I would learn to be less lazy and carry my eggshell. and with my thinking organ properly egg-shelled, I would carry my eggshell within and without.

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myfeelingsaremyown · 6 years

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Actually, the more I sit and think about this the more angry I become. I just feel like i’m angry with myself for not being better and for just these expectations. i feel they were placed on me. and i feel klike it’s perfectly reasonable for me to be i don’t know, i don’t know who i would respond to that. i knew my freinds for months before they found out anything about my tragic backstory and even then the nones who ,now more don’t know everythging. i tell them a lot more , but they don’t know everything and i’ve known them for almost three years. and i feel ike its unreasonalbe to expect me to one be that open with you and two provide support for you if that’s not what i knew you needed. i need people to be clear with what they need from me and i’m really fucking pissed. i’m angry and i’m sad and i feel lkike an overall sense of guit and humiliation and just i hate it. i hate feeling and i hate emotion and i hkate that now things have to change. i fucking hate change. i hate so much right now and i don’t know how to deal with it . i just want to cry, i want to cry and turtle and hide from the world, but i can’t. i don’t have that opportunity and that makes me even more angry. that i have to be frends but never trust again. i just want to be at home, i want y mom, and ijust wnat to not feel for a while. and i can’t help but think of what iff i hadn’t said anything. what if i would have waited, what if what if whati f and it suchs cause at the end of the day that won’t get me anywhere will it. what ifs are like hopes and dreams utterly uselfess ith the sole purpose of making you feel like a fialure. so...those are my emotjjjions right now.and i feel like they will be my emotions for a while and i’m not super excited about that. which you know, i guess i just have to deal with so.

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