#bc ik is going to puke but i don't wanna puke straight stomach acid again that was so painful

[torntoshredswithin]

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#vent #rant #disordered eating #mental illness #god idk why eating has been so hard lately #just looking at or thinking about food turns my stomach but ik i have to eat something #bc ik is going to puke but i don't wanna puke straight stomach acid again that was so painful #but god i've lost weight again and i look unhealthy and my parents are starting to notice and god #eating is just not worth the effort like i'm so tired of being alive and dealing with this #this not being able to keep food down is just not worth it why would i bother eating it if it's just gonna come right back up again?? #i'm so nauseous all the time and ik eating is the only way to settle my stomach but god i just don't want to #keeping my body alive is exhausting and i'm so over it i hate it here #i tell myself it's fine bc i'm not underweight i can't see my ribs and i don't have a thigh gap but oh my god it's not ok #told my friend i hadn't eaten for a couple days and he kept asking me why and i didn't wanna tell the truth #so i just told him i got distracted and forgot to and he def thinks i have an eating disorder but like #i don't starve myself to lose weight i do it to hurt myself and bc i don't wanna exist anymore #the weight loss is just a fun little bonus #and now none of my clothes fit and my shoulders and pelvis are jutting and i finally look as small as i want to feel #but at what cost #my doctor says my new goal is to try and eat at least twice a day and it's been 3 days and i've already failed #txt