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pocket-poly · 3 years

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Emotional libertarianism, as defined by More Than Two, is “a belief that every individual is entirely responsible for his or her own emotional responses and that person’s behaviour is never the “cause” of another person’s emotion.” This concept is talked a lot about in polyamory, particularly in conversations around personal autonomy and boundaries. Most frequently, I’ve seen it come up a lot in discussions where couples are opening up a previously monogamous relationship, and one person is struggling with negative feelings around their partner dating and loving other people.

If you do something that leads to someone else feeling hurt, the common expectation is to apologise for what you have done and, where appropriate, to make reparations for your actions that led to that hurt. However, when taken to an extreme, people can twist this by blaming all their negative feelings on someone else’s actions, essentially making them responsible for their emotional state to an unreasonable extent. In a past relationship of mine, my ex had some extreme attachment issues, and would constantly guilt-trip me for spending any time without him due to his fear of abandonment. This emotionally abusive and exhausting relationship deteriorated to the point where I would feel guilty for spending time on my hobbies or even with my own family, because I knew that doing so would directly lead to him throwing a tantrum that I didn’t care about him.

Against this backdrop, emotional libertarianism can feel quite freeing. The concept does have some merits: it champions individual autonomy, motivates people to work through their own trauma independently, and discourages people from becoming overly reliant on their partners for emotional reassurance. However, as with anything, this can be toxic when taken to an extreme and used as a tool for abuse. Some people use emotional libertarianism as a way to dodge responsibility or accountability for their actions, to punish their partners for feeling entirely reasonable and human feelings as a result of toxic abuse, and to manipulate their partners into suppressing their negative emotions so as to keep their partner happy and not appear “controlling”.

With all this in mind, where exactly is the line? How do we honour our personal autonomy, while also being compassionate and caring to our partners?

ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES, HOWEVER UNINTENTIONAL

With autonomy comes responsibility, but not in the ways you may think. While we are autonomous individuals who can do whatever we want, I think we also have to accept that our actions have consequences, and have the potential to directly influence how other people feel, even if the results were not what you intended. We do not live in a vacuum, and sometimes the things we do have unforeseen repercussions. An example would be if you went out on a date with someone else, and came home to find your partner in tears from a jealousy attack while you were away. While we cannot take responsibility for other people’s feelings because we ultimately cannot control how other people choose to feel, we are responsible for our actions and how they may affect others. Being in a relationship with someone suggests that you care about them to some extent, and one would hope that people who love each other would try their very best not to hurt each other, are committed to not exacerbating each other’s pain and suffering when it is expressed, and endeavour to create spaces where their partners feel safe and loved. This means we have to own up to mistakes when we have made them, instead of trying to shift blame onto others. In cases where the hurt was unintentional, acknowledging the impact of your actions and holding space for your partner to process their feelings can go a long way, and practising empathy and compassion for your partner is key.

TALK ABOUT YOUR NEEDS FOR CARE AND SUPPORT EARLY ON

Different people have different needs when it comes to giving and receiving care from their partners. One thing that my anchor partner does very well is that he is able to share his problems with me, without necessarily making them my problem as well. He informs me of his struggles so that I am kept in the loop of what is going on in his life, but beyond that, I am not expected or obligated to talk through his feelings, because most of the time, that is not what he needs or wants from me. I, on the other hand, prefer to talk about my problems with my loved ones and solve them through collaborative discussion; however, I recognise that not everyone has the time or energy for this, so I try to spread it out amongst people who have the capacity to do so and genuine willingness to help, such family, friends, and occasionally helpful strangers in polyamory discussion groups. I ask for what I need from people, but I never feel entitled to it, and I am grateful for the people in my life who do share their time and energy with me when I am struggling.

Some people have the emotional capacity to help others with processing their feelings about a situation and enjoy doing so, while others do not for a wide variety of reasons. Some people may view someone else sharing their problems with them as a nuisance and a burden, while others view it as a privilege and a gift that their partners can be so vulnerable and trusting with them to ask for their help and advice. When dealing with negative emotions, some people prefer to receive emotional reassurance from their partners, while others prefer direct advice and practical solutions. Some prefer to externalise and share their issues with other people, while others prefer to internalise and go away to handle their feelings on their own. There is no right or wrong answer as to how much care should be given or received, and it is merely an issue of compatibility between people. It’s important to talk about what you are able to give to a relationship and what you would like to receive, in order to avoid mismatched expectations and feelings of entitlement.

When setting boundaries and making relationship agreements with our partners, those boundaries and agreements have to be honoured in order for trust to build and flourish. If you cannot stick to certain agreements for whatever reason, then talk about renegotiating them so you can find a solution that works for all parties. If there isn’t a solution that works for all parties, then that will just lead to unhappiness, resentment, or a breakup later down the line. So if you fail to communicate, deliberately disrespect your partner’s boundaries in the name of personal autonomy, and proceed to tell your partner their feelings are not your problem, don’t be surprised if your partner doesn’t stick around, and uses their personal autonomy to end their relationship with you.

CONTEXTUALISE YOUR PARTNER'S FEELINGS AND REACTIONS

Circling back to empathy and compassion, viewing your partner’s reactions to situations within the context of trauma they have experienced may give you some insight into why they are struggling in the way that they are. It is this knowledge that can sometimes help reframe someone’s reactions that may, at first glance, seem completely irrational. For example, someone who has a history with neglectful parents or cheating partners may struggle with jealousy attacks more often than people who do not. People with certain mental illnesses or disorders, like anxiety or BPD, may also respond differently to situations; for example, I myself am autistic, and as a child would get extremely upset by small changes to my routine in ways that neurotypical people would not.

How much leniency you decide to exercise in light of your partner’s trauma or personal issues, and how much you wish to change your behaviour or beliefs to accommodate those things out of consideration, is completely up to you. This is a fine balance to strike, with no one-size-fits-all answer. However, while it is important to be mindful of personal differences between yourself and your loved ones, it is also important not to excuse their behaviour to an unreasonable extent. For example, if your partner proceeds to verbally harass you for making a genuine mistake, or use you as their personal therapist or an emotional crutch, at some point that would be unreasonable, exhausting, and even abusive. Respect your partner’s boundaries, but do not disrespect your own in the process.

ABOVE ALL, BE KIND

Ethics is sticky, and there will almost always be an exception to every rule. At the end of the day, while someone’s feelings may not be your obligation or responsibility to manage, it is kind to help them with processing their feelings if you have the capacity and willingness to do so. It’s also important to not get too caught up in your pride and let it get in the way of you comforting or apologising to someone, or to ignore your partner’s feelings in favour of logically justifying your actions. If I accidentally bump into a stranger on the street and they fall over, I say “sorry”, not because I wanted to hurt them, but because of the impact of my actions and the hurt that resulted from it. It’s easy to think, “I don’t have to apologise, because this situation wasn’t my fault,” but are you really going to tell someone that they shouldn’t have been there in the first place, or that their pain is entirely their problem? Probably not.

I enjoy communicating compassionately with my partners, developing mutual understanding, respect, and consideration, and getting as much out of my relationships as the effort I put into them. Being kind and loving takes humility and vulnerability, but it is exactly those things that lead to supportive and fulfilling relationships.

*This blog post was originally published on my Wordpress blog, Poly Philia.*

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4wordletter · 5 years

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@say-never

I’m curious though; did you see M blocking and deleting you multiple times as red flags?

not particularly. i think she really did want to be with me and long distance was very frustrating for us both. i’m no angel, there were times where i definitely didn’t show as much love, care and attention as she deserved. i can really be an asshole at times, a real jerk. but at the end of the day she always knew i loved her and i always did my utmost to communicate that to her through my words and actions. every relationship has ups and downs but, with long distance, it’s difficult. you can’t just hold someone in your arms and share silence. you have to find words, and sometimes that’s really difficult.

I don’t know, man. I still have to wonder why you keep her close. I understand that being manipulated can make someone into a person they’re not. I know you two have a long history, and a whole relationship full of nuances that I’m not privy to. I don’t know her or hardly anything about her, and I want to believe that she really is a sweet girl who was just in a terrible situation. maybe it isn’t my place at all to say anything, and I’m not asking you to do or change anything, by any means.

you got it right in one, she is a really sweet girl. she has the best of intentions. she’s a good person. i strongly believe that her actions were not premeditated but were rather the result of constant badgering from her parents and an incessant undermining of her decisions. a key part of this is that M very much thrives on love and acceptance from her parents just as we all do.

when that flow of love, respect and acceptance isn’t as strong as it ought to be, we start to shape our lives in such a way to try to strengthen that flow. we want to feel that love and support. we need it. we want to be praised and told we’re doing a good job. out of everyone in the world we want to hear that from our parents. we all do.

you’re right about the terrible situation. the situation was that her parents lost faith in me as soon as i showed signs of weakness or failure. on april 12 2016, i flopped. i failed big time. you know the story about the anxiety. despite my best efforts i never regained any respect in their eyes. they viewed me as a flake, a loser. i was instantly “not good enough” and they used their power over M to drive this point home to her and she in turn drove these points home to me as well.

right up until december 2016 she was told by her parents that i wouldn’t come. she was told that i would leave her standing at the altar (they knew way in advance i wanted to marry her). she was told that it would take me visiting her twice before she should visit me (fundamentally saying, don’t you dare visit him). she was pretty much forced into canceling her trip to see me in august. i know that she wanted to come but if she did decide to visit me (despite me not having gone in april) then her decision would be criticized over and over and over until it was unbearable. so, she didn’t come.

before i came, her mother would keep repeating to her “i don’t know why he’s coming, i don’t understand why he’s coming”. all of this must have been extraordinarily hard to deal with. very hard indeed. not only did she have no faith in me (which, let’s be honest, was quite fair) but she had these two people badgering her with their own take on the matter. and the takes were never good.

i wrote long messages explaining that i wasn’t a flake, i wasn’t a loser. it fell on deaf ears and there was never a reply to those messages. M said her parents were just busy, but really, all was lost at that point. i had already failed. they’d put our relationship in a coffin at that point, ready to bury.

that’s one side of the terrible situation. the other side is after i visited. i did attempt to connect with her parents on a deep level. i sat them down and ostensibly those conversations went well. my aim was to allay the fears they had. i outlined my plan with M (proposal, moving there, etc) and stated my dedication to her and E in no uncertain terms. i connected everything back to God such that my conversations were woven together in a nice little bundle with a bow on top. i spilled my heart to them. my eyes watered just a little when i related my feelings for M & E to a bible story we’d just had a sermon on that week.

these conversations were in no way meant to be persuasive. my aim wasn’t to try to convince anyone of anything, but rather to make a statement to say: here i am, here are my intentions. i knew they thought i was a flake and a loser and i used these opportunities to show just a glimpse of the “real” me: genuine, loving, caring, dedicated and loyal.

but again it fell on deaf ears. i had made a comment about how i’d even work at walmart if i had to, i’d do anything to support my girls. this, of course, is hyperbole i used to drive the point home: i was dedicated. they decided to twist it into me saying i wanted to work at walmart. they used that against me to tell M that walmart wasn’t good enough and that they’d need a higher quality of life than that.

essentially all my conversations were twisted and turned into something awful. i don’t know what. i do know that M was fed a lot of very strange thoughts and ideas, like me being in the mafia. what was M to do? she was living under their roof. she wanted their love and support. look at what they were doing to her.

now, if you look at this picture i’m painting for you, you’ll see 3 victims and not just one. you’ll see that M never had a moment to think straight. having a ring on your finger can make even the calmest person nervous. her parents took those nerves and amplified them a hundredfold to such a degree that her anxiety reached a fever pitch and - before you know it, the ring is in a box, secreted away by her mother to the post office.

that feeling must have been an overwhelming concoction of relief and sadness. relief in the sense that there was no engagement and therefore nothing for her parents to bash her over. yet, sadness that she was doing this to someone she loved.

this says nothing about E. she loved me dearly, we had a very pure connection that i’ve gone over in other posts. i strongly feel that M’s parents were motivated by a desire to hold on to E, to hold on to their connection they had with her. i think that they felt threatened by me.

they felt i was going to swoop in and steal E away from them. this was made quite apparent during my visits because there was rarely a moment when E wasn’t by their side. we had to include them in everything and they even went as far as to say that M & E weren’t “allowed” to stay with me in my airbnb. on the last day of my trip M’s mother was quite insistent that E go to daycare instead of spending time with me.

bear in mind that the context of this was that her parents had also forced E to stop calling me “dada” and forced M & E to drastically cut down the time we spent together. whenever her parents were near, M would turn the laptop away from them so they couldn’t see me. i think she would be chastised if she didn’t.

so. i’m home from my second trip and while i’m flying home, they’re chipping away at M and filling her head with nonsense and anxiety. as you know, the day i landed back home (or while i was in the air, i think?) - M started to receive the same emails that she had in the last couple months from a computer hacker. i’m not really sure who or what or if it was a virus or something like that.

i didn’t think much of it, i just figured it would go away. but it didn’t. at all. they kept coming. on the one hand i was trying to talk to M about what was happening between us, and on the other i was trying to make these emails stop. we changed a zillion passwords and i felt so useless that i couldn’t stop these emails.

on the sidelines, M’s parents used this as a prime opportunity. it was me who sent the emails all along. i think their logic was that i did it to get back at M for calling off our engagement. that i was so angry with her that i sent these emails.

the words “you’re a prime suspect” are branded into my brain. i’ll never forget the feeling of being called that. my stomach lurched when i heard her say that. i’d been trying for days calling her, trying to see if she was okay. when i finally did, that’s what she told me. i was a prime suspect.

i begged and pleaded to take the next flight out and come see her. i felt so fucking lost and frustrated. so alienated and defeated. that’s when my desire to die kicked in. right then. i begged her to let me come. her reply was “my mom says not to come here”

i cannot describe the frustration i felt. HOW could they possibly think that the man who sat them down and confessed his love for their daughter and granddaughter with near tears in his eyes was capable of this? not only that, but how does it make sense for me to do that? surely if i wanted to hurt her, i would want her to know it was me? and if i didn’t want her to know it was me, why would i attempt to hurt her at such an obvious time? it doesn’t make any sense to me.

nah, this email thing came at the “perfect” time. even before those emails they were trying to get rid of me with mafia this, walmart that. just little things they would use to chip away at M’s confidence in me. the email thing was a weapon they used against us both. they pinned the blame square on my shoulders. i’d gone from a guy who made 4 transatlantic flights in 3 months just to see THEM (i stress, THEM!!! i wanted to see her parents as well as M & E, they were my future family ffs) to some asshole computer hacker who sent out lame emails as some kind of revenge?

it’s bullshit. it’s all so much bullshit. i don’t buy it at all. as soon as M’s mum found out she was talking to me she ransacked her room. threatened her with being kicked out. yelled at her in restaurants. M knew i never sent those emails. she’d known me forever. she knew i wasn’t capable of 1. such stupidity and 2. such pure malice. she couldn’t convince her parents otherwise and neither could i. they’d painted me black and that was that.

that’s the full picture. do you see the 3 victims now? me, M, and E. fundamentally i believe they wanted to keep E to themselves and make absolutely sure she was being raised exactly how they wanted, in terms of schooling, religion, etc. i don’t think they felt M and myself would be capable of raising E together. they had no faith in me in any capacity.

so, yes. i maintain a friendship with M because in a way, it means they didn’t win. they didn’t defeat us entirely. whatever semblance of a connection we have left after all that is proof that somehow, we survived. they tried their damndest and they couldn’t defeat us. we’re still friends. nothing they did to convince her that i was evil worked.

M is able to make her own choice and she chooses to talk to me of her own volition. they don’t know, so they can’t fill her head with nonsense or threats. they can’t threaten to kick her out now or any of these things. she wins. they destroyed everything else she’d built up with me, but not the fundamental connection.

we talk very little, but when we do, it’s immensely healing. the heartache i felt for months and months thinking that she thought i was this monster. when she speaks it’s healing because i know that she sees me for who i really am. she knows i’m not that monster. she knows we didn’t deserve what happened.

no matter the distance either in time or space, we’ll always be friends. the romance is dead, certainly, but something more pure lives on - friendship, companionship. i find these qualities much more rewarding.

i hope that makes things clear. i find M to be a positive influence. she’s a great person, a great mom, a hard working student. i’m still proud to know her and to have known her.

something arose from the rubble and the ash, and that is something that should be nurtured. it’s a pure, wholesome connection. we’re not trying to impress each other. we’re not trying to be sexy or seductive. we enjoy each other’s company. she’s just as funny and silly, still as fascinating and captivating. that’s not something i’d throw away. i’ve said it to you, too: these connections are rare. very rare indeed.

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typewriterwitch · 6 years

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When the Forced Marriage Trope is Given Depth

The forced marriage plot is a venerated tradition in romance novels. So much so that today’s romance writers are twisting plots around like pretzels to try to make this trope plausible—and palatable—for the modern age. Usually, this involves business arrangments and marriages of convenience. The old school romance novels of my adolescence were more about king’s edicts and unbreakable betrothals to the last man on earth the heroine ever wants to marry—but with a sly wink toward lust to undercut her early hate.

The appeal of the forced marriage plot is the belligerent sexual tension for a start. Then it’s the softening. The something there that wasn’t there before. The hero becomes less of an ass. The heroine admits her initial impression was harsh. It’s classic Pride & Prejudiceor Beauty & the Beast. Gold standard stuff. From a practical point of the view, the forced marriage plot is a way for historical romance writers to have their Pride & Prejudice or Beauty & the Beast plot, give a nod toward social norms, and still include sex scenes.

But the forced marriage trope has a crucial difference—in both Pride & Prejudice and Beauty & the Beast examples, the narrative question is, “Will the heroine consent to marry the hero?” Her choice is centered. Elizabeth throwing Darcy’s proposal back in his face is one of the best examples of agency in all of romance (my personal favorite comes from North & South). We want to see the heroine stand up for herself because then it’s crystal clear that, by the end, she’s marrying for love. In the case of the forced marriage trope, the choice has been made for her, so her agency is compromised.

What does that do to the appeal of the trope? It messes it right up, that’s what it does.

For fans of messy romance—romance with stakes and grit and depth—this is can be a very interesting thing. If the author treads carefully. Treading carefully means hitting a few major beats:

Acknowledging the messed up nature of the situation. The hero especially needs to understand how getting a wife against her will is, you know, bad. Even if he starts out conceited or oblivious, it’s crucial that he learns to value consent above all else.

Giving the heroine a free and clear means of escape. Readers seem to swoon over the whole, ‘You’re too good for me! But I’m a selfish bastard so I’ll never let you go’ angle. In this trope, the alpha possessiveness vibe is more uncomfortable than usual. Tone it way down. Even Disney gets it right: When the Beast asks Belle if she can be happy with him in the 2017 version, she responds, “Can anyone be happy if they aren’t free?” The only answer is no and the Beast promptly lets her go.

Making the character change crystal clear. The reason the heroine decides to stay with the hero is make-or-break for this trope. Quivering thighs aren’t enough. Genuine, authentic change in the hero’s actions and the heroine’s understanding is a must. This cannot be lip service. It has to feel authentic and earned.

Why are these three beats so crucial? Because the very last thing we need is forced marriage itself romanticized as an institution. Forced marriage is and has been a source of pervasive evil in the lives of women. Google ‘forced marriage’ without the ‘romance’ at the end and you get a lifeline number to stop human trafficking. This trope emerged from a dark and dangerous place, as a lot of storytelling tropes do. No number of happy fictional endings will change that.

Most premises for this trope I’ve seen skirt the trope’s heart of darkness, ignoring the uncomfortable implications in favor of a few thrills. Which begs the question—does the popularity of the trope mean its readers are regressing or resisting progress? Are readers thinking that choice is too hard and wouldn’t it be nicer if someone chose a husband for them and it all worked out in the happily-ever-after? Maybe. Romance is escapism, after all. This trope and the soulmates trope are like the benevolent dictator theories of romance novels. Easy and unrealistic are what some readers are looking for when they pick up a romance novel.

As a champion for romance with stakes and grit and depth, that’s so not me. I want a happy ending, I do. But I also what to use the forced marriage trope to, like, explore my anxieties about the long line of forced marriages from which I’m likely descended. That’s why I need the heroine to continuously stand up for herself and the hero to completely understand her situation by the end. Those three beats I laid out above allow that arc to happen. They’re a formula for catharsis and that’s damn good drama. But the right to choose one’s life partner is a cornerstone of feminism for a damn good reason. For me, the story isn’t satisfying unless it actively tackles that issue.

One of the best examples of the forced marriage trope given depth comes from a movie almost no one saw called Child 44. Tom Hardy and Noomi Rapace star as Leo and Raisa Demidov a married couple in 1950s Russia. Leo is a WWII hero turned Captain in the Ministry of State Security. The plot focuses on Leo searching for a serial killer who targets young boys. His investigation is complicated because he’s going against the will of the government. Leo’s colleagues actively want to silence any evidence that their society—a paradise—could produce a murderer. But, as the reviews on Rotten Tomatoes will tell you, the thriller aspect is a bit of a letdown. The real meaty storyline is the evolving relationship between Leo and Raisa.

The first scene to introduce Leo and Raisa as a couple is a phenomenal piece of character work. Leo is telling the story of how he fell in love and married Raisa at a dinner party. The story is a common one: love at first sight. Leo saw Raisa, waxed poetic, and asked for her name. When he tracks her down again, she admits that she gave him a false one. The two tell the story in tandem, but the audience is clued into the fact that Raisa is telling her parts dutifully. It’s Leo who finds this story romantic as he confesses his devotion to his wife. The women of the group are touched. Raisa is cool and contained. She remains cool and contained when the couple has sex in their apartment. It’s a classic framing of marital discord. Leo is kissing her neck, clearly overcome by passion. And Raisa is turned away from him, frowning into middle-distance. In a few short scenes, the audience comes to understand that Raisa does not share her husband’s blind obedience to the Soviet Union. We wonder if she might be a spy or a traitor in some way. When Leo comes home after a hard day where a subordinate murdered a mother and father in front of their two young children, he seeks comfort from Raisa. She accepts that she should do this for him, but she does not actively comfort him.

The turn comes when Leo is handed a folder and told to investigate his own wife for treason. He knows that no matter what he finds over the course of his investigation there will be no mercy. The implication alone is damning. Leo follows Raisa, seeing her lose a fellow school teacher to soldiers. She seems too close to her principal, but nothing implicates her except that he loses her in the crowd. Leo talks to his adopted father, who cautions him that it’s better to give up his wife than to go down with her. Raisa shows up for dinner then and announces where she’d gone—to the doctor. She’s pregnant. Leo tears apart their apartment but finds nothing damning. Neither do his colleagues. The scene where Leo confronts Raisa about the investigation is heartbreaking. You can see on her face that she expects to be given up. You can see on his face how much this is tearing him up inside. In the end, he submits her innocence knowing that he is dooming them both. Sure enough, they are dragged from their beds. The character work here is that Raisa lets her husband hold her, she screams for him in terror. She clings to him when she thinks they will be killed.

But they are spared somewhat. They are able to leave Moscow with their lives and sent to a village in the middle of nowhere. Gone are the luxuries that her husband’s career afforded them. In exchange for her life, he has to give up everything. Raisa is cooler than ever. It’s fascinating. She tells him that it was all a test of loyalty—he should have denounced because “that’s what wives are for.” His show of love hardens rather than softens her toward him. But she does not betray him, even when his most evil coworker offers for her to return to Moscow as his mistress. She tries to leave him, but Leo stops her and brings her back home. He forbids her from leaving again.

It’s then that we learn that Raisa resents him for how much he loves her because, as we find out, she never had a say in it. That charming story he likes to tell? She remembers it very differently. She “cried for one week” when he proposed and then accepted out fear for what would happen to her if she declined a man of his stature. She was forced into this marriage, and now she’s bound to him even tighter because of his sacrifice. Hearing this breaks Leo’s heart into a million pieces. Honestly, the angst of this scene is everything I want in this trope. Her confession rocks Leo’s world. He has tears in his eyes because he’s realizing how much of a monster he has been in the eyes of the woman he loves but has never known. We also find out that Raisa lied about being pregnant to save her own life. She’s a survivor. She’s a complex thinker and feeler. It’s heartwrenching, deep stuff, people. Sign me the fuck up twice.

That’s the first of the major beats. Acknowledging the messed up nature of the situation.

Then the murder investigation starts in earnest. Leo has to go to Moscow and he’s afraid if he leaves Raisa he won’t be able to protect her. She doesn’t want to go anywhere with him. He tells her that if she comes to Moscow with him, she can stay there. He won’t make her return, and she never has to see him again.

There’s beat number two. Giving the heroine a free and clear means of escape.

But in Moscow, things change for Raisa. She is drawn into the investigation and sees how honorable it is. She comes to realize that the man she assumed to be the honest Russian sticking up for his countrywomen against the brutal government was an ideologue all along. The monsters of her world are becoming much less black and white. By the time we get to the moment when Raisa chooses to come back with Leo, we understand why she’s making that choice.

And then boy are we ever rewarded. We get to see Raisa stand up for her husband, soothe and comfort him. We see her protect him from would-be murdererstwice and Leo turn around and do the same thing for her. She is an equal partner in his investigation and his life. The events of the movie bring them together in a way that their sham marriage never could—and it’s a messy, complicated, harrowing thing to watch. In the end, this is a true romance because the couple gets a happy ending. So happy. I won’t spoil the last bit, but there is definitely a romance novel-worthy moment when Leo turns those puppy dog eyes on Raisa to ask her if she thinks he is a monster. And of course she no longer thinks that. Her understanding of him has changed. And his actions have changed—no longer does he presume her love and ignore her true feelings. No longer does he go along with the state mindlessly and play up the war hero bit. He’s a better man and she loves him for it. That’s a transformational love story.

Final beat nailed. Making the character change crystal clear.

Again, not going to say Child 44 is a perfect movie. But the love story? Is a perfect example of a thoughtful use of the forced marriage trope. More romance novels could stand to use it as a template.

#writingjourney #child 44

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manrui · 6 years

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Miyuki’s “Twisted” Personality

When the scene starts Miyuki and Kuramochi are seen talking about Sawamura. Kuramochi tells Miyuki how he made Sawamura cry because he was being cocky and Miyuki claims that they’re close which Kuramochi loudly but unconvincingly denies. As they are having this conversation Watanabe Hisashi, lovingly known as Nabe walks up to Miyuki.

Along with Nabe are his two close friends,

Kuramochi asks Nabe what brings him all the way from his class to Miyuki’s. As we all know Miyuki is currently captain, which would imply that players probably come up to him all the time with concerns, ideas and questions but the look on Miyuki and Kuramochi’s face makes it look like this has never happened before. There could be a multitude of reasons why that is, Miyuki has always been seen as weird, difficult and unapproachable, and he has a bad reputation in terms of treating people as the phrase goes “Miyuki has a twisted personality.” and since this is his first time having to actually hold a position of someone as crucial to team/player spirit the surprise on the duos faces and the anxiety on Nabe and his friends’ isn’t unexpected.

Nabe came from his own classroom to say something to Miyuki but when asked what he wanted Nabe immediately backed down claiming that “it’s nothing”. It’s obvious from Nabe and his friends’ demeanor that whatever they were trying to convey to Miyuki was extremely difficult for them. They are either afraid of Miyuki and the team’s reaction, or are anxious about what they were planning on saying meaning it actually must be important to them and also equally as difficult. They seem visibly dejected. Considering this is the first time they’re personally interacting with Miyuki they probably have imagined receiving horrible backlash.

Immediately after, one of Miyuki’s classmates who seems to be a class representative or something of the sort, asks Miyuki, the Captain of the baseball team, whether they’ll be going to a class field trip.

The girls hand papers to the captain and vice-captain explaining that they’re all put into the same group. The team is currently busy with the Fall Tournament with their eyes set on defeating Inashiro. Having lost to Inashiro was very traumatic for the entire team. They had lost to their biggest rivals, were yet again unable to make it to Koshien after all their hard work, the third years had to retire, Kataoka’s plan on leaving was revealed, Sawamura had his ordeal with the yips, Kawakami’s spirit was broken, amongst other things. Under this situation of stress Miyuki was chosen as captain because of his presence on the field and because they literally had no other options. I won’t go into the details of the decision to make Miyuki captain. What I will say is that for someone like Miyuki who doesn’t have clue of how to deal with people emotionally, handling and rising up to his position will definitely be difficult. Miyuki has already realized that he was too hard on Sawamura and had contributed to his finally breaking after their match against Inashiro. Again, when Kawakami needed a pep talk and some self-confidence Miyuki preferred to leave him alone to deal with his shit until Miyauchi scolded him that his position as current captain entails that he act as a leader lifting his team mates up when they’re down and trying to empathize with them. As a result of this Miyuki talks to Kawakami handling it nicely and Kawakami makes a comeback. From both these events it’s expected that Miyuki now understands that he tends to be stiff and rigid when he really needs to understanding and non-judgmental.

To the girls Miyuki responds that the baseball club will not be participating in this class activity because they have important matches and are prioritizing practice.

Nabe this entire time has just been standing there with his friends beside Miyuki’s desk and has quietly been viewing this spectacle. After his enthusiastic denial Miyuki turns to Nabe and includes him into the conversation expecting his affirmation. At this point all Nabe does is hesitantly say “yeah”. Something is on his mind and it’s obvious.

I thought the reaction of the entire class to the guys saying no was quite odd at first but now that I think about it, it only makes the baseball team’s drive that much more obvious and seems to look like their classmates can feel the intensity with which these guys have dedicated themselves to baseball.

Still, why do the other kids look like someone was killed right in front of them, anyways… Also how is everyone not in love with Kuramochi!?

I often am critical of Miyuki’s overbearing personality but I will accept that is it was kind of him to divert his full attention to Nabe-chan right after.

Okay this expression on Nabe’s face is so painful, by the looks of it he has gone through hours of overthinking to come up to Miyuki like this. I love Nabe

Miyuki is just like “huh?”

“Hey!” says Kuramochi.

The point of all of this was to establish that Miyuki has certainly understood at this point that Nabe is deeply bothered by something. Now I can’t say for sure if he understands that he might have to help him out but why else would Nabe come to Miyuki. What is strange is that Kuramochi called out to them and they just ran out of the place even the girls watching on are a bit confused. This is a nice picture of Miyuki btw

Later that evening we find Nabe over looking Furuya, Sawamura and Nori running. It seems like practice ended quite a while ago. He’s just standing there on the road over the ridge.

Miyuki finds him just standing there and the first thing Miyuki asks him is why does he have all those study guides? As a person who has gone through the schooling system I have my fair share of hatred for study guides but Miyuki’s aversion to books is on another level.

I think it’s safe to say that studying is not something baseballs guys at seido should really put too much effort into because their first priority is supposed to be baseball, anyways.

Miyuki was probably looking for Nabe. I’m really going to applaud Miyuki for his kind words. He seems so composed at this moment. He’s relaxed and gentle. Right after this scene he asks Nabe what he wanted to say earlier, Nabe again says it was nothing and Miyuki very tactfully urges Nabe to spill. He gives the impression that this is a safe space and that Nabe’s concerns, whatever they are, will be dealt with calmly.

Miyuki in the next few seconds is the kindest Miyuki ever.

Miyuki:

Nabe:

Miyuki:

Nabe:

Miyuki looks so strained, he’s trying his best. He also looks a bit embarrassed too. And honestly Miyuki just stated his biggest concern. When someone does that, you begin to feel like it’s safe to say what’s on your mind so Nabe finally relaxes a bit and pretty much pours his heart out. But before this, Eijun, Furuya and Nori bump into the duo sitting on the stairs.

Notice Nabe’s face in the second last screenshot. He looks so despondent. From the looks of his expression he feels out of place.

Here I’d like point out something I’ve noticed with Miyuki over and over again. When he is normal, so to speak, not being sarcastic or domineering etc. his eyes are perfectly visible through his glasses but anytime he switches to his “Prodigy catcher Miyuki Kazuya” persona his eyes are hidden by reflection. This happens again in this scene during his banter with Eijun. (It happened earlier when Mkyuki was talking to the girls too.)

Very obviously Nabe is referring to Eijun and the gang. Nabe just starts speaking as soon as they left not giving Miyuki enough time to switch back.

Just seeing this expression I knew something terrible was about to happen. To this day I cannot understand why Miyuki reacted the way he did. He seems offended like his entire personal belief system was questioned.

That’s it. That’s all Nabe wanted to say. He doesn’t feel as motivated as the others because logically speaking his chances of making it into the first string are very low. I understand that Miyuki has never experienced this and he can’t relate but his reaction was shocking.

What the heck Miyuki? Right off the bat. A screenshot can’t capture Miyuki’s tone but he speaks with such sense of superiority it’s digusting. Miyuki sounds like he’s accusing Nabe of treason or something. Seriously, get off your high horse Miyuki. He doesn’t even feel the need to ask Nabe why he thinks his motivation is lacking. Miyuki has no empathy he can’t even pretend to know how it must be like to be in the baseball club but never be able to play any real games. Not everyone is here to just play baseball and if someone just wants to be a part of the club for fun or exercise or socialization that’s perfectly okay and really is the whole point of the club to begin with.

NABE IMMEDIATELY JUMPS UP saying No that’s not what I meant but Miyuki is being so rude and inconsiderate here he doesn’t even care to listen to Nabe

WHAT THE HECK IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH BOOKS?! Dude, maybe they’re not even his!

The message Miyuki gives here is that anyone who doesn’t act like him or Sawamura or Furuya etc. all the time should just quit. That anyone who isn’t just like him isn’t working hard and thus must genuinely want to quit. He’s assuming Nabe genuinely wants to quit because he wants to study which according to Miyuki implies that he isn’t putting all his effort into baseball and if baseball isn’t your life you aren’t a part of the team. Miyuki has no idea of how Nabe practices, he doesn’t care. Because Nabe isn’t on the first string and is carrying around books he isn’t putting effort into baseball and this must be because he wants to quit. Miyuki is supposedly a smart guy but he’s incredibly jumpy to conclusions. “I have no right to stop someone who genuinely wants to quit.” Nabe never said he wanted to quit and you have no right to tell someone they seem like they want to quit. When someone wants to quit something they stop putting effort into it, they start avoiding it and they lose interest in it, according to Miyuki, Nabe perfectly fits this description; he’s being lazy, which isn’t just mean but says a lot about Miyuki as a person. His self righteous behavior makes him unfit for the seat of captain.

He left Nabe speechless, he basically character assassinated Nabe.

“Atleast that’s why I play baseball”. Miyuki’s arrogance is off the charts.

Nabe is so hurt. He came to Miyuki for help.

This is the third time Miyuki has severely mishandled someone’s emotions. The duality of his personality is confusing. Why does he suddenly become so defensive, arrogant and harsh? Miyuki needs help himself as well, i hope they address his needs as the anime/manga progresses. Miyuki’s journey of trying to fill Yuki’s shoes is something I look forward to.

#miyuki kazuya #Nabe #ace of diamond #daiya no ace #diamond no ace #analysis #season 2 #episode 9 #manrui #Watanabe Hisashi

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elegantmoonchild · 6 years

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Thoughts on writing, SweetVee, and the writing monster within while wrapping up “No Angel”…

These are some personal thoughts I wanted to share regarding “No Angel” and the difficult journey it took to finish this whopper of a story, along with other tales of writing insecurities, anxieties, and my own personal definition of what it means to be a responsible fanfic writer. I recognize there has been a lot of discord and hurt feelings from writers across the fandom, and I wanted to do my part to share my concerns and experiences, without fear of retribution or crucifixion, in the hopes it might ease the woes of someone else silently suffering from writing anxiety like myself.

I’m going to get deeply personal, so you’ve been forewarned.

First, I want to say this fic has been such a ride for me throughout its entire inception, planning, crafting, and publishing. When I created SweetVee last year, I had no idea how much the ship would affect me and my writing, how much hope it would give me to charter new territory. I can’t believe the exposure the ship has gotten and I truly am glad it’s inspiring others to write again. That’s incredible for a silly little idea to have made such an impact!

That being said, I struggled dearly with “No Angel”, and this story nearly stole the love I had for writing right out from under my feet. There were times when it felt like I had poured every last part of myself into the lines. There were nights I got two hours of sleep, missed spending time with my family during the holidays because I was so exhausted, and I lost weight simply because I had no appetite. Morgan @fangfogartys had to literally yell at me some days to go to bed. I searched deep into old wounds for this story because I so desperately wanted to give the ship I had created the BEST possible chance for survival because I thought it had so much potential. I wanted readers to believe in SweetVee. I wanted to write them so believable and realistic in their own unique world because they are unique! They literally had no shared lines and were created because I thought their personalities could mesh uniquely well. I wanted to show the world how beautiful and complicated and dark this kind of couple can be. I see in them the ability to explore the sides of themselves that are scary, terrifying, but with each other they find the strength to discover and learn and better themselves. These kind of relationships aren’t cookie cutter, because what relationship truly is?

But my anxiety got the best of me. I began to question and doubt every single word, every single line. I sought comfort from friends, time and time again, because I could not believe a simple compliment about my writing was genuine. This fic changed me. It turned me from someone who wanted to support everyone into someone I despised — something I’ve worked very hard in my 30 years of life to overcome. The ship I loved so much soon turned into something I hated. I felt guilt and anger and shame and my anxiety shot through the roof. I sought out validation from people I don’t need validation from. I counted comment count, kudos count, compared to the number of reblogs I got and the people who seemed so genuinely excited about an update but neglected to comment. It took away the FUN of fandom for me, turned it into a job where I wanted recognition for the hard work I had done. This kind of side to me is not one I exhibit in my personal life outside of this screen, and it shouldn’t be me while I am here.

Writing, for me, is a catharsis of all the pent-up energy I cannot expel through any other means but anger or dancing or tears. My anxiety is so overwhelming and crippling at times, I feel like I’m mentally pacing in a small room, the compressed force of my energy increasing the pressure of the tiny volume of the prison where I’m mentally burning holes in the floor. It takes everything in me to quiet that energy and keep the ceiling from combusting inward. Writing has helped me, and though I wish I could remember who sparked that reinterest in the hobby, I unfortunately cannot do so and cannot thank them for what they’ve given me, which essentially feels like part of my soul back. The fact others can remember, can pinpoint who and what and that it is me that did that for them just blows me away. I was able to bring that spark to someone else, and that makes all the difference in the world. That helps to quiet the anxiety, push down that nervous energy, and I can see clearly in an open space instead of a locked room.

My anxiety with SweetVee became an all-consuming monster that I just couldn’t quiet. I wanted to work my hardest to make the argument for why they worked. Because here’s the thing — creating a ship isn’t about simply saying these two people would look cute together because of height difference. I created the ship name. I created the AO3 tag. There was no evidence anyone was talking about them so in an essence, I gave them their first breath by putting them to paper and bringing their union to light. That’s a lot of pressure that nobody was putting on me but myself, but I’m a perfectionist when it comes to my work, so naturally I over-exerted myself until I succumbed to the burnout and had to step away.

I’m going to take you back several months here to early Fall of 2017, shortly after “Riverdale” returned for season two. I’ve been very vocal that there were many times I considered tossing “Ouroboros.” One of my best friends came to visit me and I can vividly remember us walking the neighborhood and me talking about my concerns with the story and how believable it was, and she nearly convinced me to toss it because I left open a huge hole that I questioned night and day. However, instead of giving up, I changed the story and continued on. People have told me that fic reignited the spark for writing for them, and in an instant, knowing it made a difference for even one person made the experience entirely worth it. To know it inspired someone else questioning writing into taking a leap and creating a product that turned out fantastic makes it even more worth it, beyond so.

It’s been my lot in life, it seems, to always be there for others. I’ve worked hard to not let it consume me and twist me into something angry when I feel depleted or taken advantage of, but despite my desire to change who I am, that is one facet where I just can’t. So that should show you how simple recognition really resonates with me. It tells me I’m on the right path. I’m doing the right thing. I’m making a difference because there are times I feel so small and so quiet, I know others feel this too. If I am told that my presence alone made a difference, then that proves I can help someone else who feels small feel the same sort of achievement, the same kind of strength. People have thanked me for leaving long comments on their stories. I’m here now to say I am honored to be able to leave comments the way I do because the magnitude of your support has kept me interested in the fandom, in “Riverdale” fanfiction. I would have walked away, had it not been my love for writing and the encouragement I received by people actually telling me they gave a shit about what I do. So the credit for that ultimately goes back goes to you, the readers and writers.

I’ve had people tell me they are gobsmacked that I would talk to them because they view me as a major player in the fandom, and that honestly just blows my mind. I have felt like this small speck before, and there are times I still feel that way. Unfortunately, what comes with that title is the ability to influence, and though I don’t want the pressure of that, I know I am strong enough now to utilize it to help others out. There are people I looked up to when I first joined this fandom, people I don’t view in the same particular light, because after a considerable amount of thought, I realize that these people are human, just like me, and not every human is meant to get along or agree. Instead of being disappointed and wallowing in this truth, I’ve decided to use my own influence and help shed the light on others who need it. I will never stop remembering what it feels like to be a small writer in a big space. I will never forget that, and I will do my damnedest to help others stop reliving that reality because it can be Hell. It can rob you of the very feeling you’ve said I gave back to you, the very feeling given back to me by some of the writing in this fandom – that spark to create, that will to continue and push on through that negative energy and watch it blossom into something brilliant, something you can be proud of. I hope I never turn into that person that loses your trust, loses your respect. I hope my head never gets too big to where I can’t help someone else out, can’t fan the flames of that spark in someone else. If I ever get that way, yell at me in a DM, please. I will be humble enough to accept that.

Everything writers here describe in their journey is exactly what I experience when I write. That thrill and anguish, all of it, I feel it too, and it’s both a gift and a curse. It can be soul-crushing and uplifting, all in the same stroke. However, there is that pride that shines bright at the end of the tunnel, and it outweighs all the turmoil. I will do my best so that the pride you feel does not go forgotten. I will do my best to ensure it remains intact if I have to comment on every chapter, reblog every sneak peek, and message you to tell you how much I enjoyed your work. If you ever feel like I’m not doing enough, not helping you out, not reading your work, please tell me. It is this burden I am more than happy to carry because it means something. It means something. To more than just myself.

For those of you who have told me in private that I have gifted you with the ability to write again, please know I will not squander that praise. Those words will never escape me, and I will be your biggest cheerleader and biggest coach for the rest of our time here in this fandom to make sure that gift does not go neglected.

Going back to “No Angel”, I’ve seen a lot of people encouraging to “write for you,” and at first that sentiment made no sense. If I was only writing for myself, my words would remain in a dusty word doc never to be seen by anyone else, including myself. The purpose of fanfiction is to write for a fandom. So what does “writing for oneself” truly mean? I think I found my own example, and I’ll share it with you willingly.

It took me a while to realize I had written “No Angel” for everyone else, not myself — that’s why I became so obsessed with validation. I wanted other people to believe my theory in why this ship worked. I wanted people to give me that chance because I worked so hard to make that argument compelling enough for people to read, or so I thought. An incredible fandom friend reminded me that the weight of those few choice people who chose not to read my work paled in comparison to the dozens of people who vocally told me they enjoyed what I do, have thanked me for my storytelling and for always being courteous enough to communicate my feedback to their feedback. See, in my mind, I had set expectations for people who didn’t deserve them. I expected people to at least be curious enough to want to read about the originator’s take on a ship. I thought people would be curious enough with all of the reblogs and likes to at least give me the benefit of a doubt. What I did was forget that people have freedom of choice and that’s my bad. I equated support of fandom with my own definition that doesn’t necessarily equate to someone else’s. No one’s at fault for that more than myself, and I apologize if I offended anyone along the way. I just wanted to be seen as someone who could contribute something of quality to this fandom, and my view of what that looks like can be drastically different than someone else’s.

I had to wrestle with the warring, conflicting emotions that every writer feels – pride in their work and disappointment when you see the hit count go up and up and up and the comment count stay the same. If a writer ever tells you this doesn’t get under their skin, they’re lying to you. So here’s the deal. Moving forward, I’m writing for myself in the only way I know how.

My next fic is a pregnancy AU for SweetVee that I’m really, really excited about writing. It brought back my love for this ship because I want to write this for me, no one else. And honestly, if you don’t want to read it, that’s fine. In all honesty, that’s no one’s loss but your own, and that’s not to sound snide but more as my way of saying I’m going to be proud and happy regardless because I now value my hard work and my skill and I value my ship. I will never stop writing for them because they give me inspiration – SweetVee is me and I will always be a part of SweetVee because I gave birth to them. I gave them life to the public and now that they are grown, I am sending them off into the world to be loved by others and I, in turn, will love them in my own individual way just like a mother would.

I want to thank the people who truly read “No Angel” and took the time to comment on it, or if you sent me an ask or a DM about it (I recognize not everyone has an AO3 account to comment). You guys are a great reason I’m still writing fanfiction today because I know it’s not the ship you crave, but me. My writing. My vision. You gave me a little slice of the limited time you have each day and I appreciate that, so so fucking much. I’ve seen writers walk away entirely because something they work hard on gets little exposure. Fandom can feel like a popularity contest at times, and I appreciate you taking a chance on someone with a very tiny spot in a big, wide world. I’d hate to give up something I love because I thought people hated it. Your words kept me from believing that. And now I’ve found the strength to do something I love for me.

At the end of the day, I’m so fucking proud of “No Angel,” and I don’t give a damn what the hit count looks like or if you don’t want to read it. I know I made a solid product that I can say without a doubt was one of my BEST pieces of work, and in the end that’s really the only thing that matters.

Thank you again for the love. I plan on dropping some teasers very soon for my next SweetVee and Bughead fics, but in the meantime I’m always around if you have thoughts or need help with anything writing or fandom related (or life or whatever. I’m here for you).

— Sam, elegantmoonchild

#riverdale #sweetvee #OTP: i am your creator #my precious sweetvee #my babies #proud mama #writer insecurities #anxious writer #honest thoughts #doing it for me #no angel #responsible writer #responsible fandom member

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deathnoting · 6 years

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this is an extended special feature on how i’m doing! which is ??? complicated? i’m Going Through it rn. (cut for length/tmi. don’t read if you don’t want to know about my sexual/identity crisis?)

i’m technically only a temp at my great new job, and i only have it until january 5th, at which point i’ll probably have an opportunity to get a job somewhere else in the company, but it’s not too likely to be at my current location, which is the most desired one to work at

that’s not a huge tragedy, but it’s unfortunate bc 1) i live closest to this location (it’s only a mile’s walk from my house, if i worked at the downtown location i’d have to take the bus), 2) it genuinely is such a nice place to work and the perfect job for me and i’ll miss it/my coworkers and 3) i’ll miss one of my coworkers in particular

which is where the real trouble comes into play. i’ve got this medium to large sized crush on one of my coworkers which is complicated bc 1) i’m in a relationship (although i’m very transparent with my partner about what i want and i’m not & wouldn’t do anything underhanded or dishonest), and 2) my crush is a 46 year old divorced man with a kid. so!

it’s totally inconsistent with my self-perception! i can’t tell if i’m twisting good-hearted fatherly platonic banter into something romantic/sexual and if so: why brain? and if i’m not and this 46 year old man is kinda into me then theoretically i should hate that & find it worrying but that is not what i’m doing. my stomach flutters when i see him! we vibe so well! there’s a sense of coy admiration between us! i want him to like me but i also want him to feel guilty about liking me, or else it’s icky? i get especially excited about going to work on days that he’s there?

look i know this isn’t social justice-y of me. on the other hand i also think that determining what sexual feelings are appropriately feminist is a bullshit idea. women’s sexuality should not be held to rigorous moral standards. i’m a consenting adult & i should be able to feel whatever i want towards another adult without feeling guilty for it. on the other hand, i innately distrust older men who are interested in young women. basically if he doesn’t like me then i’m really fucking into him, and if he does like me i’ll feel validated but less into him?

& if you thought all that was bad, i’ve got a shitload more that’s worse!

this man i’ve got a crush on also reminds me almost excessively of one of the only other men (not just adult men but like? male bodied or identifying people of any age) that i’ve ever had any romantic feelings for. they almost have the same first name! (to make things simple i’ll give them aliases that correspond. current crush will be j and past crush will be jp) they’re roughly the same age! (jp was in his late 30′s, is probably like 40 now?) they’re both visual artists! they’re both weirdly magnanimous! i weirdly vibe(/d) with both of the same damn way!

and the biggest problem is that now i can’t stop fucking thinking about jp and analyzing my relationship to him, even though i haven’t seen him in about 2 1/2 years and haven’t texted him in close to a year until! yesterday! when i did text him! & at first i was just making really vapid small talk and then i called my ex girlfriend! yeah my ex girlfriend! and talked to her about it because she knows jp & knows my sexuality & identity issues and she was so cool about it and? has dealt with her mental health issues in such a way that she’s become a much more compassionate person and i had possibly the first conversation with her since i’ve ever known her (including when we were dating) where i felt like she was truly listening to and respecting me! which was weird and great! but also! after getting off the phone with her feeling a little more understood and less guilty, i texted jp a very honest: “look i’m digging through my unresolved romantic feelings toward you bc of this old dude i have a crush on who reminds me of you and sorry to be blunt and melodramatic but that’s happening!” type text

he told me he couldn’t unpack something that complex through text and to call him if i wanted to talk about it, bc he’s fucking 40! & texted him back in the vein of “whoa buddy i’m not that brave & the physical anxiety symptoms i’m giving myself even typing this out are too much to handle. there’s no way i’m calling you! hopefully we can have a conversation about this at some point in the future before one of us dies but i’ve got to work up to it!”

and if you think that’s bad!!!!! you don’t know anything bc you don’t know what my relationship/history with this dude was. he was the type of man (unlike my current crush, j, who, as far as i know, is universally liked and respected as a great and utterly non-creepy person) who got weird and creepy crushes on girls half his age and idealized them to the point where he made himself miserable mooning over his concept of a person who didn’t exist. you could easily call him a creep. i knew lots of people who thought he was a creep. i also knew lots of people who thought he was exceptionally kind and utterly non-dangerous (including one of the biggest rl sjws i’ve ever met - i say that as a compliment - who kept a list of creepy men in the city we lived in & who was roommates with jp and considered him the best roommate she ever had.) i don’t think either of these ideas line up with my view of him, which is that he was fucked up and strange and sad and creepy, but also generous and people-pleasing to a fault. i cannot list the number of kindnesses he did me without ever asking for anything in return. i know him to have had sex with someone he did not want to have sex with just to avoid making that person uncomfortable. he was morose and kind of pretentious fuckboy but also, he was my best friend in a city where i was far away from my home with no family and friends, without any real support system, who hung out with me all the time and drove me around and pretty much held me together through an awful break up and asked for nothing in return. i know that’s what you might expect out of a decent person, but not what you’d expect out of a creep. so which was he? i don’t know!

tbc because i want to write all this out but i’m losing steam & i have to go to work soon

this is literally helping me bc it’s like a diary entry

i have a lot more to say but i’ll say it later

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todokori-kun · 7 years

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(Ugh, sorry for this late reply! OTL I’ve been busy and whenever I sat down to try and write this message it would be bedtime before I’d even gotten halfway through)

If we want him to be happy the best, most plausible and canon-compliant choice is Saiko…yet Ishida’s been ignoring her ever since she told Urie she loves him ;-; #IshidaY

Correction: Ishida (like Shuu and Uta) is a picky eater. He’ll only eat human flesh that’s been steadily stewing in misery for at least a year, and the bitterest, saltiest tears are all he ever drinks.

Ishida’s eating habits being similar to Uta’s makes sense though, since he actually said he gave Uta some of his hobbies lol

Just stop hurting us, please…Ishida needs to redeem himself with Hide’s return as quickly as possible. Either that or something bad needs to happen to Furuta (if Rize somehow breaks free and eats him I’m sure at least half of the fandom would realize that they can, in fact, be satisfied).

Hmm, I was fine with Re up until this arc. Touken feels forced, shippy fluff and Mutsuki drama is getting in the way of the ACTUAL plot (even with all his trolling skills, Ishida cannot convince me that sex scenes and love triangles/squares are more important than how the Q squad is dealing with their trauma from the last battle, what Juuzou, Urie and other investigators are going to do now that they suspect Furuta is lying, how the rest of Goat is doing, what Uta and the Clowns are up to, and Furuta finding a way to, oh, I don’t know, BRING BACK THE FREAKING DEAD). It’s like Ishida has a really interesting plot in there somewhere, but he’s buried it beneath the pointless, badly timed romance.

As for Mutsuki, I used to be a bit 'meh' about them (I used to like them, and then I didn’t mind their backstory/the treatment they got at Torso’s hands simply because I got spoiled and knew it was coming from the very beginning, plus the parellels with Kaneki had me thinking they’d get a similar interesting development) but I’m starting to become more and more indifferent towards them because they just feel really flat now- a basic murder-bot, a copy of characters like Yuno Gasai. Maybe I’d sympathize with them more if their love for Sasaki/Kaneki felt a bit more genuine, but as it is, it seems lacking. It feels like we’re viewing Mutsuki from an outsider’s POV; not much about their actual feelings or thought process about the entire situation, just a bunch of crazy, yandere moments with a few

That AU…make it canon, Ishida. (jk, but seriously). I’m one of those people who won’t complain no matter how much the creators pile on the angst as long as it’s plausible angst (I’m afraid I’m a bit of a masochist when it comes to fandoms…) but I like to think of my favorite characters being happy for once ;-;

0/////0 TYSM ;-; You’re so supportive and sweet and just asdfj;lk (it’s not easy to reduce me to keyboard-smashing but I have a lot of feelings right now) <333 I’m still scared because there are two ways this could go (either I somehow get over my fear and do ok, which would probably be really good for the anxiety, or I just freeze the second I step onto the stage…which would probably make things worse) HOWEVER, for Queen Luna I shall do my best !!!! <33333 :D

But wait a sec…‘King’…

Plot Twist: I am the real One-eyed King

Also

‘Urie & Tumblr(Evans): A short story’

-Urie pretends not know what tumblr is

-Only he totally does

-It’s an addictive hole of darkness

-And Luna spends way too much time on it for his liking

-Ok, so it’s not tumblr he’s worried about, really

-It’s this guy called Evans that Luna keeps talking to

-And no, he did not just assume this person’s gender, he (ACCIDENTALLY) saw one of Luna’s messages to them calling them a ‘king’

-She never calls HIM stuff like that there’s only that stupid nickname ‘Oreo Cookie’

-Jealousy?

-N O

-That’s for the common folk like Sasaki

-Look, he’s just worried about his s/o ok

-Then one day he brings it up

-'The 'King’ thing was an inside joke of sorts’

-'Evans is a heterosexual female’

-R.I.P Urie, who must now admit that he was indeed jealous

(super awkward crack that suddenly popped into my head

And aww, I’m really so glad you enjoy the HCs ^^)

Me + a person with Shuu’s personality would be pretty hilarious if we managed to get along well. Since at first sight, I appear like this really quite and polite person who’s way too nice for their own good (sort of like an even more introverted and awkward version of Kuroneki), but with people I’m really close with I suddenly turn into Haise with all of his cringe-worthy moments- plus a little bit of dry humor and sarcasm.

Haven’t got the chance to listen to all of those yet but what little I’ve heard sounds lovely! The first three and Soldier Game are my favorites, I think :)

Give it a few weeks and I’ll probably be joining you in Idol hell…

Loki’s hair is actually as long/maybe longer than Thor’s in later movies tho XD but I’m glad Thor’s getting some love! A lot of fans just characterize him as this big blonde idiot who has no clue what he’s doing, when in fact he’s grown quite a bit since the first Thor movie, where he was a reckless, hot-blooded, proud and arrogant person who really did have no clue what he was doing…sort of like musical-verse Hamilton minus his book smart nature and power of speech (isn’t that a terrifying thought?). Never knowing when to shut up and back down, which is coincidentally one of the things that damaged his relationship with Loki- who is his opposite in almost everything.

Without spoiling too much, let’s just say:

Thor is the extrovert, Loki is the introvert. Thor relies mostly on his raw physical power to get the job done (though he’s much more diplomatic now than he was in his first movie), Loki’s power lies in his words (he IS the god of lies after all) and his cunning. Thor can sometimes be a bit thick about the emotions of those around him, Loki reads people like open books and manipulates them like puppets on a string. No matter how much Thor grows up he’ll still have a bit of his old hot-tempered, non-stop personality, while Loki usually prefers to wait for it until he’s sure of the situation.

Unfortunately, Asgard (Thor and Loki’s 'home’- though Loki doesn’t consider Asgard his home anymore) values courageous warriors over quiet scholars and sorcerers like Loki. They praise honesty and boldness; Loki’s lies and illusions make them uneasy and they see him as a coward.

Despite being a prince, Loki has spent almost his whole life being identified as simply 'Thor’s brother’. People tolerate him because he’s a prince and Thor’s Brother, 'friends’ hang out with him because he’s Thor’s Brother, few openly show that they dislike him becuase he’s Thor’s Brother. Heck, when he lands on earth during the first Avengers movie, humans immediately identify him as none other than Thor’s Brother. He’s spent his entire life in Thor’s shadow.

It’s a very Burr-Hamilton relationship, and you can’t really blame Loki for wanting to be in the room where it happens.

(Also, the daddy issues.

I mean, look at what Odin and Laufey did

(SPOILERS for first Thor movie)

What Laufey (king of the frost giants) did:

1: Abandoned Loki because he was a 'runt’

2: Didn’t just abandon him; left him outside in the freezing cold in the middle of a freaking battlefield

What Odin did:

1: He rescued Loki when Laufey abandoned him because he felt sorry for the child…and also because he was planning use him as a pawn to someday make peace with the frost giants.

2: was planning to never, ever have a decent, reasonable 'you’re adopted, but you’re just as much my child as Thor is’ conversation with Loki

3: 'Yes, frost giants are terrible, bloodthirsty creatures, they are completely irredeemable’

4: some years later- 'Am I…? 'Yes, you are also a frost giant’

5: it’s heavily implied that he, like most others, always paid more attention to Thor than Loki

6: 'FATHER! I could have done it! For you…!’ 'No, Loki.’ *lets his adoptive son FALL INTO AN ABYSS IN SPACE. Like, he literally just stands there, watching Loki let go and fall to his death (well, not actually death, but that’s what it looks like)*

6: 'Both of you were born to be kings’

Later: 'All this because Loki desires a throne…YOUR BIRTHRIGHT WAS TO DIE! As a child, cast out on a frozen rock. If I had not taken you in, perhaps you would not be here now to hate me.’

I don’t hate Odin as much as the rest of the fandom seems to, and I do think he had reasons for doing what he did, but the fact still stands that he can be a massive hypocrite (tells Loki that he can’t try to take over the earth because they are no different from humans in the end, then tells Thor he shouldn’t date a human woman and calls her a 'goat’) and the things he did to Loki were just cruel.

Also, Thor, though he never wanted to hurt Loki, didn’t help. From what little we got to see in the Thor movies, it seems he also thought Loki was a bit weird for his quiet nature and interest in books and magic, usually refused to listen to anything he had to say, and just took his presence for granted most of the time so that he never realized how much Loki mattered to him until he lost him.)

Ok, so I’m trying to start the fic and I’m narrowing it down to Urie, Ken, and Shuu. I mean, the obvious choice is Urie since it seems like he’s one of your faves, but Heathers is a bit of a…graphic…story and while I’ve thrown in a bit of extra fluff IT WILL NOT BE A HAPPY FIC. So. Maybe you don’t want to see your favorite character hurt that way…

Also, because it’s HEATHERS, the story that’s set in a normal high school with absolutely no sci-fi or fantasy yet manages to be almost as dark as Black Butler, I guess I should put some warnings…

Slight yandere-ish behavior, murder, bullying, very vague mentions of self-harm and suicide (nobody actually does it or did it though), implied child abuse, sort-of-smut(scene cuts off right before anything smutty actually happens), and a ton of angst

(hint: it’s probably angstier than that thing I wrote about Viktor in a TG AU)

Is this ok with you?

Last note: Heathers and DEH both have a lot of dialogue to fill up the spaces between songs so you might want to either read the plots on wikipedia or talk with me every one or two songs so I can help explain what’s going on ^^

No worries ^^ I was a bit worried though, since I though you interpreted my ‘no new fandoms until the weekend!’ as ‘no messages until the weekend’

About the new chapter (127), has there been another time skip? Also, Shuu’s back! I’m sure you’re happy to see your hubby again (･ω<)☆ And I’m so proud of Naki ;-; My boy’s finally speaking properly.

#bringSaikoback #becauseHe’sEvilThat’sY

Wait, she confessed her love? Man, I’ve forgotten a lot of things…

Yeah, that seems about right… What a gourmet.

Mask making, then? or eating eyeballs, that also wouldn’t be so weird.

I want Hide to come back to life and become the next Jesus or something, saving absolutely everyone, because why not? I mean, he’s Hide after all. Rize eating Furuta would be enough to get me to read the manga again (I already am, tho, at least somewhat. It’s your fault)

Maybe Ishida’s trying to redeem himself by giving us all the lovey-dovey stuff? It’s a shitty redemption attempt, but still… and bringing back the dead certainly is an interesting way to advance the plot. hopefully it turns out to be a good one as well. hopefully.

i understand how/why mutsuki would fall for sasaki, but it was done in a very bad time and generally doesn’t fit with anything. id be a lot happier if they went murder crazy, but without the whole sasaki obsession. just let the guy be happy for fucks sake

You’re definitely a masochist. I mean, anyone who reads TGRe is (does that make me one as well…?). The AU is my pride and joy, the best idea I’ve ever had. I mean, just imagine it. Everyone being happy and enjoying life without suffering.

I’m sure you’ll do just fine ^^ I may not have anxiety but I do know the feeling of stage-fright. I mean, just a few weeks ago, I was at the japanese speaking contest and I still remember how badly I was shaking before, during and after my speech. I was so afraid I’d mess up… and I did! I did not understand any of the questions they asked me. Only later did I realise what they were trying to say, but in the moment, I was too scared to comprehend basically anything. However, I got through it, no matter how scared I was. So I’m sure you’ll do just as well, if not better!

All hail King Evans, the One Eyed King! Now go stop the fighting between ghouls and humans, please.

Yeah, Evans is a bit of a boyish name. My first association with it before I met you was Soul Evans, from Soul Eater, a guy. It’s also part of the reason why I was really afraid to write anything that might delude your gender, since lots of people get mad when people assume.

Jealous Urie would be one of the most hilarious things ever. He’s to awkward to admit it, which means he also doesn’t do anything about it. How fun.

But you still haven’t answered my question… Who would you pick to be your significant other from the other fandoms we share, like Kuroshitsuji, AoT or YoI? Or even the Avengers universe ;) You’re not avoiding it!

Honestly, Shuu is one of those people who get along with basically everyone, so I’m sure you’d get along with him. Besides, he’s empathetic, so he’d give everyone a chance to open up.

IDOL HELL! Join us...

Oh really? Well, I was planning on watching the first Avengers movie and the Thor movies today and tomorrow (and maybe during the next week), so I’ll definitely tell you my opinion, then ^^ But Thor has short hair in the new movie. I am definitely not satisfied =3=

The whole family has some huge issues, doesn’t it? (thor’s family)

I say Kaneki, because it’s not a happy fic and out of the three, I like him the least.

Sure, I’m fine with basically everything at this point. TG has ruined me in the darkness of itself (i don’t know what im typing anymore, don’t question me, please)

Okay, I’ll make sure to ask you about anything I don’t understand when I start listening to it ^^

#evans #submission

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