#but also like being perceived as a cis girl (intentionally or unintentionally) makes me want to jump out of my body. lol. anyway

[unusualshrimp]

hmm gender thoughts

#the people who made pronouns page have another website right #and one of the options there is you can pin your gender on a gradient that goes hypermasculine -> androgynous -> hyperfeminine #and it's like a linear gradient and i hate that SO MUCH. this is hostile architecture for Me Specifically #[disclaimer that if you find that type of thing helpful that's completely fine] #but anyway my gender is like. im a guy but not in a trans guy way #and im a girl but NOT in a cis girl way and i call myself girl in my head a lot but i am a bit Sensitive about how other people use it? #and im always thinking too hard about ''are they acknowledging my 5D chess gender or subconsciously saying it because of my appearance'' #if someone called me androgynous or whatever im stabbing them though. idk that just feels so... gender neutral? and im not gender neutral #do ya feel me. #i feel a bit silly typing all this but ah this is the transgender website i think u all would understand me #im a guy like. you know the weird guy who shows up overdressed to casual events but he looks nice so its fine really #and also like. guy who always wears black and looks cool [the cool might just be in my head but thats fine] #and. i might have to think harder abt how i feel regarding Girl ™. i dont want to discard it because i do love doing my own thing with it #but also like being perceived as a cis girl (intentionally or unintentionally) makes me want to jump out of my body. lol. anyway #this is all so sucks honestly my favourite gender is just creature. #you see a thing so weird you just go '' oh god what is that'' and not gender. although i do like the flavour of it/its that is so niceys... #like yeas i want to be a scary looking thing (unattainable) but also.... what if i was jus a lil creature. #and i sat at your door and made 🥺 faces until u let me in and then i sat cosy near your fireplace for a bit... thatd be nice #i dont want to worry about gender anymore i want headpats....................... #oh jesus uhh #long post #<- for the tags

[picnokinesis]

Ahhh thanks for answering my ask!! I kind of feel bad because I meant campervan!Thirteen heh, but its still great that you talked about canon!Doctor :D My favorite scene was when Ruth and Thirteen met, it was amazing and hilarious how Thirteen was offended about her being called a woman LOL

Hahaha ahh no worries at all! Don’t feel bad, I love rambling about gender so it works out well for me! 

Ok, so as I said before, campervan!13 is a bit different because she prefers to use genderqueer rather than agender. I feel like in my head, the reason for that difference is because campervan!13 feels like a gender as something outside the gender binary, whereas canon!13 is from a culture that doesn’t really think about gender, so gender just feels completely irrelevant. Campervan!13 is, obviously, human, and so her gender expression comes out of being raised in this structured system, as opposed to coming at it as an outsider. 

I’m gonna have to be careful with spoilers here, but I’m going to explore aspects of the Doctor’s gender more in the fics (in fact, some of it is in the later chapters of part 3!), but basically the Doctor first realised that she wasn’t cis whilst she was a teenager. At this point, all she really knew was that she ‘wasn’t a woman’, which is why - and if you’ve read part 2, you may have guessed this - Dhawan calls her ‘John’ at one point. Later, she realises that she’s not a boy either, and then doesn’t really know what she is at all and just sort of goes with whatever people refer to her as (usually her birthname) - which most of the time leaves her feeling uncomfortable, but she just deals with it. It’s only when she’s at uni and makes friends with other queer people that she finds out that ‘something other than girl or boy’ is an option, and it’s then that she comes up with the name ‘the Doctor’. In general, she’s actually really pronoun indifferent, and doesn’t really mind what people use. She mostly goes with she/her out of ease, just because she’s aware that if she went with they/them, then she would be misgendered so much every day, especially when she’s meeting and talking to lots of different people for cases, and so she’d either have to explain her pronouns to people all the time or just accept it...also, we all know that she’s terrible at talking to people close to her about her feelings. And so she’d rather just shrug and be like ‘call me whatever’ if someone asks, but not bother talking about it otherwise. Personally, I think if she actually told Graham, Grace, Ryan and Yaz, then they’d listen and use they/them, and I think she’d actually really like that a lot....but she doesn’t want to tell them HAHA (this is. a little bit of me projecting maybe). I’m planning to explore that a bit more in part 6! 

What she actually hates is gendered expressions - so like when Ruth calls her a woman, or if someone called her ‘ma’am’, she’d snap at them immediately. I think it’s because she hates the idea of being perceived as a woman because she’s just not. And then if someone treated her differently because they saw her as a woman, she’d hate that so much. I think it’s all a reminder that her body and her presence in society doesn’t actually match how she feels, and most of the time she’s able to ignore that dissonance, but when someone (intentionally or unintentionally) brings attention to it, she’s just like ugh no. Gender dysphoria-wise, I feel like she has good days and bad days, and she wears her binder whenever she can - but if she had to pick being able to exert herself by running around at full speed and wearing a binder, she’d pick the running over the binder, which means she does have to be careful about when she wears it. I’m like ‘baby, just get a size up that’s looser so you can run still’ but she never listens to me hahaha. She tends to wear two shirts or an extra jumper when she doesn’t wear the binder, just to look flatter. 

I can’t think of any more thoughts off the top of my head, other than all this makes me really want to talk about the [redacted] au verse, which is an offshoot of campervan for those who don’t know. I can’t talk about the premise because it’s mired in spoilers for the main fic, but I’ve written a little bit of it and there is so much pronoun confusion for the Doctor, to the extent that even the Doctor doesn’t know what to refer to themself as HAHAHA. There’s one scene where, between two characters, they manage to use he, she and they for the Doctor - both in dialogue and in internal monologue/prose, and also intentionally and with the characters making mistakes hahahaha. 

ALSO thank you so much!! I’m so glad that you liked that scene - it’s one of my favourites, but mostly just because I adore their dynamic, and it was so much fun to write their first meeting. They’ve got so much more to come! 

#taka replies #campervan au #haha please don't feel bad at all! #I'm loving this #always feel free to ask me campervan questions #or questions for any of the adjacent verses tbh #I'd talk more about her gender realisations as a teenager #but you're actually gonna find out more about that in about.....12 weeks time HAHAH #so sit tight! #lgbt+ #gender #anon