#but also. happy halloween! hope people had a great day :) i've seen some truly fantastic costumes on campus today which was great

[set-phasers-to-whump]

a light at the end of the tunnel

prompt: comfort

whumpee: eddie diaz

fandom: 911

hi here's my 31st and final fic this month!!! how the time flies...anyway this fic is set current times-ish (though full disclosure i am behind by two episodes) and is pre-buddie. hope you like it!

It has been a hellishly long week. It’s the tail end of it now, a rainy, windy Saturday evening. Eddie is lying atop his bed fully clothed with his eyes screwed shut, trying to force himself to fall asleep. 

It’s not working. He feels like there’s electricity buzzing under his skin, like he can’t quite breathe properly, like there’s a weight sitting on top of his chest. 

It’s too much. This week has been too much and the silence of his empty house is too much and he never should have agreed to let Chris go on that overnight trip to the aquarium because if he hadn’t then his son would be here and Eddie would be able to exist. 

But he’s alone. The rain drums on the roof and the wind whistles at the window. He gives up on keeping his eyes closed and stares up at the dark ceiling. 

He wants…he wants something. He doesn’t know what it is. It isn’t this, though. This crushing weight on top of him and the low-level anxiety rippling through his body. 

His phone rings. The sound startles him, momentarily distracts him from himself. 

It’s Buck. He picks up, squinting at the bright light of the screen. 

“Yeah?” He’s surprised by how normal his own voice sounds. 

“Hey, Eddie. Do you wanna come over and, uh, watch a movie or something? I know Chris is at the aquarium and we’re off tomorrow and I’m so bored and I was wondering if you were bored too -”

“Yeah, I’ll be there soon.”

“Great, yeah, okay. See you soon.”

Eddie stares down at his phone for a few seconds. It’s earlier than he’d thought - not even 8:00. The thought of dragging himself up and driving to Buck’s is unpleasant, but the thought of being at Buck’s, of not being alone, of having someone to distract him from everything, is wonderful. 

And so he gets up. He’s still dressed, so at least he doesn’t have to bother with that. He scrubs a hand over his eyes as though he’d actually done any sleeping and then grabs his keys and heads outside. 

He jogs through the rain to his truck. The chilly air fills his lungs and makes them burn, but it’s pleasant, sort of grounding. He breathes in deeply, inhaling the scent of the rain, then climbs into the driver’s seat and sets off. 

It’s not until he’s knocking at Buck’s door that he wonders whether he should have brought something. But it’s too late to do anything about that now. 

Buck opens the door and raises his eyebrows. “What, did you lose your key?”

Eddie blinks. His key to Buck’s apartment is in his pocket. He knows he has it. He has no idea why he’d decided to knock. 

He shrugs and follows Buck inside. Now that he’s here, he’s all of a sudden not certain that being here is the best idea. He feels…on edge. Like one tiny thing might cause him to explode, to collapse. 

“Come on,” Buck says. “I’ve got pizza. It’s a little bit cold, but…”

“I’m not really hungry,” Eddie replies. He tries to smile, to wave it off. He can feel himself failing.

“Hey, is everything okay?”

He can’t not say yes. He figures it’s probably hardwired into his brain. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just a little tired.”

“Oh,” says Buck. “We don’t…we don’t have to watch a movie, then.”

But if they don’t watch a movie then there’s no reason for Eddie to be here. And he doesn’t want to go home. Even though he does feel weird, like he isn’t sure that being here is smart when he feels like something in him might crack, he can’t imagine leaving. 

“No, no, I’ll be okay. I’ll try not to fall asleep on you.”

Buck shrugs. “If you’re sure. You want anything to drink?”

Eddie shakes his head. All he really wants to do is sit down. 

He gets his wish. They sit on Buck’s new couch, which isn’t actually new. It’s secondhand and well-worn. Eddie sinks into it so deeply that he wonders whether he’s going to simply fall through the bottom. 

“Any preference?”

Eddie stares at the TV without actually seeing anything. “Up to you.”

Buck deliberates silently but intensely for several minutes. Eddie watches him. And then catches himself watching, and stops. 

Buck settles on a movie Eddie’s never seen, some old detective film shot in black and white. Eddie stares at the opening credits until his eyes start to water. God, he’s tired. 

He’s not sure how long they’ve been watching the movie - or rather, how long Buck’s been watching and Eddie’s been staring - when Buck gently taps him on the shoulder. 

“Eddie.”

“Hm?” He shakes his head slightly, turns to look at Buck. 

“You sure you’re alright? You seem…I dunno. Off.”

Eddie shrugs. “It’s nothing.” His chest feels tight again. Maybe he should just leave. It’s the last thing in the world he truly wants, but. He’s put himself upon Buck too many times before. 

And by this point he knows Buck doesn’t mind, doesn’t think any less of him for breaking, for being unable to hold himself together. But he can’t entirely force himself to believe that. It’s complicated. 

“It’s not nothing to me. If something’s wrong. That’s not nothing, Eddie.”

He shrugs again. Part of him is screaming to just talk, to tell Buck his stupid problems and be comforted about them. Another part is screaming, just as loudly, that he can’t do this, isn’t allowed, shouldn’t want to. 

“Eddie, please.”

He takes a breath that kind of shudders on the inhale. “It’s not even…there’s nothing really wrong. It’s just. I don’t know, everything? Not everything. It’s this week. I don’t…a lot of bad calls, Chris was angry at me, weird conversation with my mom, I don’t know. I don’t know why it’s like this.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Buck says. He’s moved closer to Eddie at some point. Their legs are touching now. Buck’s hand is on his shoulder. “Sometimes it’s just like that, you know? Too much happening all at once.”

“But it shouldn’t - I shouldn’t -”

“I’m gonna stop you right there, Eds. That stuff doesn’t matter. It’s okay to just…to just be overwhelmed sometimes.”

Eddie doesn’t know if he can make himself believe that. But Buck sounds so sincere and he wants to believe it, he thinks. He wants…

He wants a fucking hug. Which is the most embarrassing thing in the world to realize, to admit to himself. He feels his face heat slightly just from the thought. He wants to just be held for a little while and forget about everything else. 

But he can’t have this, because he’s incapable of asking and it’s not like Buck can read his mind. 

“You still with me?” Buck asks. His hand is still on Eddie’s shoulder, squeezing gently. This is good enough, Eddie supposes. The pressure of Buck’s leg against his and that point of contact, warm and sturdy, on his shoulder. It has to be enough. 

Eddie nods a slightly belated response to Buck’s question. 

“Is there anything I can do? I mean, I know you said you didn’t want anything to drink but I can make coffee, or tea, or something, or…”

Eddie shakes his head. He closes his eyes. Despite his best efforts otherwise he can feel a pressure in his head, feel the prickling sensation of tears. He’s going to cry over, what, having a rough week? No. Absolutely not. 

“Hey,” Buck says. Eddie carefully opens his eyes, looks over again. Buck is looking back at him and he looks so fucking open and concerned and all Eddie can think is how easy it would be to just lean in a little, to rest his head against Buck’s collarbone but he can’t, isn’t supposed to, shouldn’t want to. 

And then Buck is leaning forward and Buck is slowly wrapping arms around him and it’s clear he’s just waiting for Eddie to pull away but Eddie absolutely is not going to do that. 

After a beat Buck apparently realizes this, too, and then he’s putting a hand on the back of Eddie’s head and running fingers through his hair and Eddie finally does rest his head against Buck’s collarbone. 

He can hear Buck’s heartbeat like this, steady and even. Almost immediately the anxiety buzzing beneath his skin goes quiet. There’s still a sort of pressure in his chest but he takes a few deep breaths, inhaling the familiar smell of Buck, and it feels like the weight pushing down on him has lessened. 

They stay like this for quite a while, Eddie leaning on Buck and breathing deeply and feeling the tension and stress fade away. Buck, for his part, just holds on, lets Eddie lean on him. His fingers are still in Eddie’s hair and it’s one of the nicest things Eddie has ever felt in his life. 

He thinks he’d probably be willing to stay in this position forever, but now that all of the overwhelming sensations have abated, Eddie’s well and truly exhausted. He can’t stop himself from yawning against Buck’s shoulder. 

“You tired?” Buck asks. 

Eddie sort of nods. He is tired, but he really doesn’t want to move. 

“Do you want the bed? I know the couch isn’t the best, so -”

Eddie cuts Buck off with a shake of the head. “Couch is good.”

“Do you…uh, do you want me to stay?”

He does. It takes him several long seconds to work himself up to nod. It feels like admitting something terrible at the same time as it feels like getting something he’s wanted for a very long time. 

They do some readjusting - or, mostly, Buck does some readjusting. Eddie is too tired to do much work. 

He ends up lying across the couch with his head pillowed on Buck’s legs. Buck’s fingers are once again carding through his hair. It still feels like the nicest thing in the world. Eddie feels…content, for the first time in what feels like ages. 

He is finally able to fall asleep.

thanks for reading! that's a wrap on whumptober 2022 and with that i am a completionist for four years running! it's been a slightly crazy month but i've had a great time and i hope you've enjoyed whichever fics you've read!!!! love you all sm <3

#whumptober2022 #no.31 #comfort #911 #fic #eddie diaz #emotional whump #held #i say things #my writing #anyway. tomorrow is my 20th birthday. fucked up. #i am about to be In My Twenties. a twentysomething. insane. #feels illegal for me to be getting so old what the hell!! #but also. happy halloween! hope people had a great day :) i've seen some truly fantastic costumes on campus today which was great #but yeah. fourth year babey! wild how much has changed. #ok gonna go now. have a great rest of your halloween everyone!