#but for me its like. the same. but also. teehee. 😋😊. i want him. yknow?

[mkscatgirl]

*DEEP SIGH* man...............................................

#i ummmmmmmm ummmmmmmm uuuhhhhhh mmmmmmm uhhhh yeah :) #i really like this guy but ummmm hmmmm #i feel really guilty about it because well okay so we have a really comfortable and close relationship #which is like normal and good right? yeah right. BUT for him its just a close friendship with someone you get along with really well #which is all fine and dandy and good #but for me its like. the same. but also. teehee. 😋😊. i want him. yknow? #so i feel like my actions and joy from the friendship are tainted by my further desires even if like my actions are 100% reciprocated in #in kind** #like everything i do he does too so like. its not like im doing anything bad. but it feels like it should be bad. #also he was in a relationship until 3 days ago #so like. i dont want to be too much. i wouldnt want to regardless of the relationship actually but i digress #i think actually whats going in is we have a level of intimacy which is completely normal for good friends who see each other all day every #everyday but im not used to that anymore because its been god like 5 years since highschool and thus wouldve seen my bestie that much and #had that level of intimacy #but also like that doesnt change the fact that i DO want him like that much remains true and outside of our relationship #but i feel guilty being afforded this level of intimacy when *I* am gaining a tainted version of the joy #and i say tainted not in a ewwwww relationships are evil kind of way but in a not quite ulterior motive kind of way because i do NOT have #further goals with my actions i act to maintain the status quo of our relationship but i DO get more than what is seen on the surface i #suppose????? #its like im embezzling romantic joy from a purely non romantic intimate friendship if that makes ANY sense #and thats were my guilt comes from because im like TEEHEE what if this but more #but like #its NOT bad and i SHOULDNT be guilty and i KNOW this #in fact i think i actually act LESS than what is expected of me from him because im afraid of overstepping my bounds #but WHATEVER none of this matters because he doesnt want me anyways lol #but im so incredibly happy with the way our relationship is he is SUCH a good friend its crazy #but also i want to [redacted] #ive said enough i dont need to be cringe on top of showing my soul