#but i don't think so because other than identity still being pretty firmly sectioned off we can share other stuff | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

astro-stpd · 11 months

Text

this is gonna be rambly and kinda weird but I need a place to konmari my thoughts and this is the safest void.

if you have any advice for this, please send it in. I don't know what it'd be for, honestly.

all under the cut:

I'm starting this off by saying I'm really emotionally stunted and that bleeds into my feelings and perceptions of the self. I generally never know what the fuck I'm feeling or whether it's good or bad and can only barely assess it in hindsight.

This kind of bleeds into my gender crisis I've been on-and-off paying attention to for a whole 10 years now. My perception of the self is really kind of whack. It surmounts to "Yes, I have a body" and "I don't like these parts but I have to live with them." It's like that in a bunch of aspects: I've been obese since I was a child because of my parents and toxic relationships with food, I have pretty negative relationships with my family and I hate that i look like them, etc.

I saw a repost on pinterest about gender and age evolutions (mobile pinterest is bad about me being able to find posts I've viewed to find sources). The summary is that boy and girl as genders are different than man and woman as genders because of roles and age evolution.

That hit me. So I was like, "okay, options" and started trying to apply this and, it feels incomplete, more clear but incomplete.

Girl was correct up until like, age 10, even if it was just in title. Woman is incorrect on vibes alone. I think about being a woman in the future (the now? I'm a whole ass adult and no adult term feels right) and I could actually throw up. Man doesn't feel right even in the future but it isn't the same immediate reaction. I can only explain it as you're translating something in a language you're familiar with but not 100%, and you're like sure you translated a word right but you still wanna double and triple check. Enby is sort of the same way, but in a sense where I can't imagine being an adult with that title from immediate stigma I'm force-fed.

But there's an inbetween that doesn't seem to fit with that, like the teenage years aren't in that model. even though as a teenager you're still a child. I'd argue that until like 25 you should still be considered a child because of brain development.

Like if there were teen in that model, none feel right. Teen girl, big fucking no. Teen boy, not at all. Teen enby, nope. Teendom was just a big gray pit of every mental issue and physical issue being put center stage and I barely remember the half of it.

I firmly believe in the phrase "euphoria denotes transness" but I don't think I've ever experienced that. Dysphoria, yes, and it bleeds into some of my other identities.

If I could imagine a future where I could present as I want, it'd be completely unattainable because of cost or expectation. Cost is based on depressive realism: I'm from one of the poor sections of a industrial town in a low COL state, my family is just above the poverty line, I can't do low skill labor because of the social and emotional costs of working those, I can't do work and college at the same time, I have student loans even on a full tuition scholarship. Expectation is based on predatory beauty standards, (internalised) ableism, (internalised) sexism and the like: I wouldn't be obese, I wouldn't have boobs, I won't be able to get pregnant, I wouldn't be as tall as I am, I wouldn't be convex bow-legged with the stress point at the knees, I wouldn't be neurodivergent, I wouldn't have ever s/h-ed, I wouldn't have sensory issues, I wouldn't be asthmatic, etc.

But so much of what I would imagine an adult me to be is unattainable. Like even the most basic changes of "not obese," "no boobs," and "not able to get pregnant" are unattainable. I can't diet because of sensory issues (mostly texture based). Gym memberships are expensive and I've already stated that I'm not in the best situation for working. Top surgery is expensive and even though breast cancer runs in my family, I don't have at-risk symptoms or it close enough to get them cut off for prevention purposes. Getting sterlised in my home state is near impossible but not having a period would make my anxiety worse because I'm AFAB and i could get seriously hurt in ways where not having a period may be the only way I'd know it happened.

Talking about this with my family is a trip to disowned-ville or denial-town waiting to happen. it's already happened before when I was 11.

I don't know what label i'd be, none of them feel right. I'm definitely not cis, but other than that idfk.

And I don't have the means to make it better. Even like experimenting with a binder is out of the question because of costs.

#risha shut up #rishas mental health bs #gender #lgbtqia #trans issues #advice request #terfs dni #long post

0 notes

shini--chan · 4 years

Note

1p allies and axis react to that the reader gave birth to they're child. When they ask here she wants the hold the baby? , her answer is like "I don't want hold that thing!"

Alright. So, before I start off I need to give a fair warning that as to why it would even come to that point … let’s just say that it is pretty dark. Warning for implied non-con, manipulation & coercion. You’re reading this at your own risk.

Yandere Allies

America

“What do you mean you don’t want it?”, Alfred would ask, completely dumbfounded by your vindictive reaction to your very own child. Lovingly, he stared down at the bundle in his arms. The reddened face covered with wax was just too adorable to be true.

“We’re finally going to be a family; it is the most wonderful thing I can think off. And you have to react like this.”

The malice in those sky-blue eyes was clear as he took in your exhausted state.

“Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? This is your child as well as mine and you have to go on and reject the best thing that has ever happened to you? Your lack of compassion is shocking. So, either put your big girl panties on and act like an adult or we’re going to have a serious talk!”

Let’s just say that Alfred wouldn’t take it well at all that you have such an aversion to your very own child. He would see it as grounds as to have a serious talk with you. If you’re lucky, it would be something akin to a psychotherapy section that he would do with you, only with a lot of condensation. Then, if he is in a very bad mood, it would be far more macabre.

Of course, the things he would do to you would be wrong, except in his mind where everyone of his actions would be justified. Through rejecting your child, you would have tarnished his image of you. Alfred would have thought that you had gotten used to idea of spending the rest of your days by his side. Those vile words of yours would have served to confirm the latter. And villainize you in his eyes.

You would have a lot of apologizing to do. Just keep in mind that if he would sense anything fake in your buttering up to him, the trust he would have established would crumble to ashes. And he is good at disconcerting true from false. However, if you’d hide any lies you’d have behind extreme emotions, then you could succeed.

Canada

“But, she/he is your child”, Matthew would protest. The way you’d firmly shake your head would make his heart drop to your gut.

“A child I never wanted”, you would whisper, sweat glistening on your brow and making it seem as through you were submerged in a fever dream. “Only you wanted a child, I didn’t. How can you be so blind to not see that?”, you would murmur, too lost to evade the hole you were digging yourself into.

Your captor’s lips would thin as he was reminded about the darker aspects of your relationship.

Talk about popping a balloon with a needle, there goes all that happiness and excitement, blown away by a few cruel realisations. Of course, due to your relationship not being of an overly violent nature the fall-out wouldn’t be harsh in the direct, tangible sense. Needless to say, Canada would be pissed that you just had to go on and ruin the whole show and his dreams of a saccharine future.

He’ll skilfully dismissed that you would have been coerced into bearing a child (if not by the worst way you can get pregnant) and tell everybody that would even catch wind that there was something sinister buried deep, that you were just hysterical because of all the residue hormones from the delivery and the exhaustion. That is, if he has too.

China

A fine, pencil thin eyebrow would rise as he condescendingly regarded your disarrayed constitution. Calmly, he would turn to the midwife he had order and take the new-born expertly out of their arms while stating:

“We thank you sincerely for your services. Please, leave now that I may calm my wife down.”

They would nod and quickly scurry out of the room.

Snake-yellow eyes would stare fondly at the infant weakly kicking at the blankets and thin lips stretched to an endearing smile as a tiny, waxy hand was extended up to his face. Gently, he would shift his arms so one hand was free. The baby would snatch the outstretched index finger as soon as they would have the chance, clumsily stuffing it in their mouth and sucking.

Yao wouldn’t even glance your way as he would seat himself on the edge of the mattress, however, his scolding words said with such calmness would add a crude shadow to the picturesque image:

“All your tantrums are growing increasing petty. You should restrain your emotions before you go completely out of control.”

You wanted to gap at him, at his patronizing words. But more than anything else, you wanted to cry for help. Not that any would come. You were stationed in the guest room of his estate and the midwife that had been summoned was the only other person anywhere near you.

She wouldn’t aid you, not that she could. Your “lover” had a way with words – his violence wasn’t physical; it was an intangible knife that made wounds that would never heal.

Instead, you would stammer shakily: “But you said we would give it up for adoption.”

“I said I would consider it. There is a big difference there. Besides, you shouldn’t torture yourself by denying your own nature.”

At those words you would find yourself trembling. Rage would simmer like a pool of magma in your stomach and combined with exhaustion it would make you shake – a brittle leaf in the autumn wind. Your voice would crack as you seethed: “Do you have to start with this sexist nonsense out me being a woman…”

A glare would be enough to silence you.

“It is not because you’re a woman. It is because you’re a human and humans care for their kin.”

To China, it would be barbaric for you to so callously reject your very own child, the fruit of your womb, a testament of the love you two have for each other. To him, family is infinitely precious and for you to smash that vision there would be severe consequences. Whether you would like it or not, you’re going to keep the child and you’re going to love him/her. Although, you might do all that out of your own “volition”, as in China would manipulate you to extent that you’d think those thought would be yours.

England

“Shut up!”, would be his immediate response and the waspishness of his tone would be enough to make the nurse raise their eyebrows in suspicion. However, the rage upon porcelain feature and the harshly snapped instructions of “Leave” and “Not you bloody dare tell anybody about this” would be enough to make your only gate way to freedom vanish.

Money would also help seal the deal.

The baby would be in the cradle at the foot of your bed, luckily, because the expression of malevolent fury on his face told you that he would’ve broken anything in his hands in fit of rage. It was the expression of hot passion and chilled anger that one would normally attribute to a general.

Still you summoned your courage to make your case: “I never wanted this, not any of this so not give me that look. You knew I never wanted a baby, you knew that didn’t want to…“, you would yell and choke on those last words because of the memories they’d evoke.

And that window of opportunity would be what Arthur would use to crush your case to dust:

“It is funny, really, because half of the time you don’t know what you want from life”, he would say, voice dangerous soft as he approached you, the fairy fire in his green irises making your skin itch as if there was something contagious directly underneath the first few layers.

“But that doesn’t matter anyhow because your feelings are irrelevant.”

You would open your mouth to protest but only a croak your come out.

“No matter what you say, your emotions are not accurate assessments of reality. What is reality is that you don’t know what is best for you. I do, better than anybody else and that is why you need me. Face it, you’re nothing without me.

“So, except your new role of mother. I promise, you’ll grow to love it.”

As the man himself just now stated, your wants and desires are meaningless to him in the grand scheme of things, or at least, he’ll convince you of that. If you would believe that yourself, then thing would be much easier for him. Arthur would see it as another chance to degrade your identity while putting his on a pedestal.

However, if you wouldn’t fall soon for his manipulations, then he would let you feel his anger in controlled bursts. The spite would surface over your time of recovery and he would purposefully leave you alone with the child so that you would be forced to take care of them.

France

“You will”, he’d state firmly.

Your jaw would hit the floor. Him not getting sentimental would shock you.

“It pains me to see you like this, to see you so cruel, so take those words back. What happened to my (y/n)? What happened that her morals decayed to this point? Where is her heart? Where is her compassion?”, he would sorrowfully lament, like a heart broken poet.

His touching little serenade would be enough to make the fussing baby fall silent, not to mention you.

Guilt would rise up in your gut, toxic and hot. Just what had come out of your mouth?

This would be one of the matters where he’d leave no room for his delusions, where he would even go as far as to revive all the memories of your countless grievances for the sole purpose of teaching you a lesson. It would be needed, and he would be lucid enough to recognize you as a potential threat to your own offspring.

To say the least, he would be weary of you during the next few years, least you try to get rid of the child somehow, be it through cold blooded murder or by giving them away for adoption. With the outburst you would have displayed, nothing would be off the plate in his eyes.

Russia

Violet-blue eyes would be harsh as the high north when they met yours, the warning glare enough to silence you and make something shrivel up in you. Defeated, you would press yourself back into the mattress hoping the accursed thing would swallow you whole because that would be better than all the damnation that the hardset features of your captor promised.

Therefore, it would be all the more petrifying when Russia would elect to ignore in order to turn his attention to the squirming infant in his arms, cooing lovingly and smiling.

Ivan wouldn’t take any nonsense on your part and if you hadn’t learned it at that point then you would be in double trouble. It might even descend into slaps. Although that would be a last resort, if he would feel his control slipping and resort to drastic measures in order to regain it.

He wouldn’t lose a word over your unforgivable behaviour, not the next day, not the next week, not the next year. If you would bring the topic up, then he would be quick to shut it down. However, just because he would verbalise the problem doesn’t mean there wouldn’t be any consequences for it. It would take for in the nuances of your life together – him not help you with the post-delivery recovery, often having a patronizing and degrading undertone in his voice when speaking with you, generally acting more spiteful towards you…

Those would just be a few examples. And he wouldn’t take written or spoken apologises either. Ivan wouldn’t care for lip-service, you would have to prove yourself to be a worthy and loving mother in order to get in his good books again.

#yandere allies #yandere hetalia #yandere America #yandere england #yandere china #yandere Russia #yandere canada #yandere france #yandere hetalia x reader #x reader

211 notes · View notes