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bllsbailey · 4 months

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Michelle Obama's Terrible Takes: 'Terrified' of Election Outcome, Government Does 'Everything for Us'

Becoming... what? That's what I always wonder when I see the book title in the above image.

Do you miss the Obamas? Although many speculate that Barack and Michelle are secretly running the White House and telling Joe Biden what to do, I'm not so sure because even though Obama did terrible damage to this country in his seemingly endless eight-year reign, even he has been questioning Bumblin’ Joe's clown show administration.

SEE: Report: Obama Worried About 2024 Biden Campaign, Aides Dish on Tension Between Camps

Although the former president and first lady make appearances here and there and collect vast sums of money for books and Netflix deals, they are thankfully no longer daily fixtures in the news cycle.

But Michelle decided we needed her opinion on the current state of things and appeared on an episode of Jay Shetty’s “On Purpose” podcast released Monday to let the world know that she’s kept up at night because of her terror that her preferred presidential candidate might not win the 2024 election.

Democracy scares her that much.

Those are the things that keep me up, because you don’t have control over them. And you wonder, where are we in this? Where are our hearts? What’s gonna happen in this next election? I am terrified about what could possibly happen, because our leaders matter. Who we select, who speaks for us, who holds that bully pulpit, it affects us in ways that sometimes I think people take for granted.

She's so terrified that a vote might actually let the people decide who they want to be president? C'mon man.

Watch:

Unsurprisingly, I disagree with her. Many, many people do not take for granted how our leaders affect us. While Michelle’s husband Barack’s tenure was deeply unpleasant, shall we say, it was not quite so disastrous as Joe Biden’s current presidency. With rampant inflation, conflicts across the globe, humanitarian and security disasters at the southern border, few are taking “for granted” just how truly dreadful our leader is.

But she wasn’t done, and reminded us of why her and Barack’s worldview is incompatible with the vision of our Founding Fathers.

“The fact that people think that government — ‘eh, does it really even do anything?’ — and I’m like ‘Oh my God, does government do everything for us, and we cannot take this democracy for granted,’” Obama said. “And I worry sometimes that we do. Those are the things that keep me up.” [Emphasis mine.]

This lady seriously needs some Ambien.

Government does "everything for us.” That sums up the progressive ideology in a nutshell.

No, government does not -- and should not -- do everything for us. We would like to practice our own religions, raise our own kids, have our own values, keep our own money -- without the fed telling us how to do it. It's called "limited" government, and it's what the Founders envisioned. Has she never read the Federalist Papers?

Since it's Michelle Obama, we couldn't expect her to get through the discussion without dropping some inflammatory racial commentary, and she didn't disappoint. Although former President Donald Trump has been relentlessly hounded by Merrick Garland's weaponized Department of Justice and even corrupt local prosecutors, Michelle thinks it would be even worse if he were a black man:

“Other people can be indicted a bunch of times and still run for office. Black men can’t. You just learn to be good. And in the end, you benefit from that extra resilience,” said Obama.

Wasn't Barack supposed to usher in a "Post-Racial America?" How's that going exactly, Mrs. Obama? And I wonder if she ever heard of former Washington D.C. Mayor Marion Barry -- she might want to Google him.

Some have theorized that should Biden eventually be forced out of the race due to infirmity or other health issues, Michelle would jump in and immediately be a front-runner.

See: Ousting Joe Biden and Obama/Newsom, the Democratic...Dream Ticket?

I don't see it -- the Obamas seem too addicted to their jet-set, Hollywood lifestyle and enjoy dropping in, sounding sage, and then departing for yet another yacht adventure. Plus, should Michelle ever face the actual scrutiny that a presidential candidate would, her poll numbers would plummet like an asteroid when people paid closer attention to what she actually has to say. Progressives might idol-worship her, but she would get little love from independents or anyone even close to the middle.

Hopefully, her sporadic appearances will continue to remind voters of why we don't miss the Obamas, why Joe Biden is such a disaster, and why we need new leadership in the White House.

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whitehotharlots · 3 years

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Previewing the 2024 Democrat Primary

Within a couple weeks of his being sworn in, just about every person on earth will wish Joe Biden was no longer president. Sure, the few surviving John B. Anderson voters will be thrilled to see 4 years of crushing austerity and half-assed attempts at Keynesian stimulus. But most people will begin dreaming about a brighter future.

Good news! The 2024 Democratic primary field is going to contain dozens of options. Bad news! They are all going to be disgusting piles of shit.

The “top tier”

While it’s too early to do any handicapping, these are the candidates the media will treat as having the most realistic chances of securing the nomination.

Kamala Harris

Kamala did not win a single primary delegate in 2020. This is because she dropped out before the first primary, and that was because no one likes her. She has no base beyond a few thousand of twitter’s most violent psychos. Her disingenuousness approaches John Edwards levels: any halfway incredulous person can see immediately beyond her bullshit. She has no principles whatsoever, and while that may be par for the course for Democrats, she lacks even the basic politician’s ability to intuit anything that might, hypothetically, constitute a principle.

Even better: she is an awful public speaker. She sounds like how a talking dog would speak if he were just caught stealing people food off the kitchen table. She communicates in weird grunts and faux sassy squeaks, which is how she imagines real black women sound like, but something about her is unable to sell the bit. She begins her sentences in halfhearted AAVE, stops and panics halfway through as she realizes that maybe this sounds fake and offensive, and then reminds herself oh wait, no, this is okay since I’m black. This doesn’t happen once or twice per speech. This is how every single sentence sounds.

Kamala is like Nancy Pelosi in that no sketch show will ever impersonate her correctly, because anything that came close to authenticity would be considered far too cruel. This might benefit her in the primaries, as she exists in the minds of Democrats as someone and something she absolutely is not in reality. Nominating her would be like allowing your child’s imaginary friend to attempt to drive you to the store.

Andrew Cuomo

Easily one of the 50 worst people alive, Cuomo has a solid chance because Democrats, same as Republicans, are unable to differentiate between electability and self-serving ruthlessness. Cuomo used the deadliest public health crisis in American history as a pretext for cutting Medicaid and firing 5,000 MTA workers, and his approval rating increased. New York Dems are little piggies who love eating shit. If we assume that the political media will continue their habit of refusing to discuss the legislative history of right wing Democrats, Cuomo might well cruise to the nomination and then lose to literally any human being the GOP nominates by an historic margin.

Joe Biden

The party loves him because he is a right wing racist. “Progressives” tolerate him because black primary voters over 40 supported him, and their opinion is supposedly a magic window into god’s truth. Everyone else can tell he is manifestly senile. I don’t put it above the DNC to pick a candidate who is in horrible health, dying, or even dead--whatever the financial sector wants, they’ll get. But I would be shocked if his approval rating is above 39% by mid-2023, and by that point deep fake technology will be advanced enough they’ll put out a very lifelike video in which the Max Headroom version of Joe explains he’s proud of his accomplishments--that budget’s almost balanced already--but, man, I gotta abd--I gotta abdica--, uhh, I gotta, I, uhh, I gotta move down, man.

Wild Cards

These candidates would have all have a chance if they ran, but they could all much more easily retire to Little Saint James off of kickbacks they’ve gotten from Citibank and I.G. Farben.

Rahm Emanuel

Rahm is going to receive some hugely influential post in the Biden administration. Let’s say he becomes Secretary of Education. His signature achievement will be replacing all elementary school teachers with Amazon’s Alexa, which saved the taxpayers so much money we were able to quadruple the number of armed police officers we put into high schools. This will give him several thousand positive profiles on network news programs and the near-universal support of the Silicon Valley vampires who will own 99% of the country by the time Biden’s term ends. They will use their fancy mind control devices to convince geriatic primary voters that Rahm’s the one who will bring Decency back to the white house. His candidacy will be the paragon of wokeness, as expressing concern toward the fact that he covered up the police murder of a black guy will get you called a racist.

Rahm has a bonus in that Jewish men are now Schrodeniger’s PoC. When they are decent human beings, they are basic, cis white men who are stealing attention from disabled trans candidates of color. When they love austerity and apartheid, they become the most vulnerable people of color on earth and criticizing them in any way is genocide. No one will be able to mention a single thing Rahm has ever done or said without opening themselves to accusations of antisemitism, and that gives him a strong edge against the rest of the field. The good news is that an Emmanuel candidacy would result in over 50% of black voters choosing the GOP candidate--which, I guess that’s not really good but it would certainly be funny.

Gavin Newsom

Newsom is every bit as feckless as Cuomo, but he doesn’t put off the same “bad guy in an early Steven Segal movie” vibes. He will mention climate change 50 times per speech and no one will bother to mention how he keeps signing fracking contracts even though his state is now on fire 11 months of the year. If anything, this will be spun into an argument about how he’s actually the candidate best suited to handle all the water refugees gathering on the southern border. Look for his plan to curb emissions by 10% by the year 2150 to get high marks from Sierra Club nerds. He’s also a celebate librarian’s idea of what constitutes a handsome man, so he’ll have some support from the type of women who claim to hate all men.

Larry Summers

I mean, why not? Larry, like most members of the Obama administration, has politics that are eerily similar to those of Jordan Peterson. In normal circumstances, this makes a person a dangerous fascist who should not be platformed. But if that person has a D next to their name this makes them a realistic pragmatist who has what it takes to bring suburban bankers into our tent. If current trends in Woke Phrenology continue apace, Larry’s belief that women are inherently bad at STEM will be liberal orthodoxy by 2023, and his dedication to the Laffer Curve could see him rake in massive donations. Seriously, I’m not kidding: cultural liberalism is now fully dedicated to identity essentialism and balanced budgets. Larry is their ideal candidate. If he were black and/or a woman, I’d put him in the very top tier.

Jay Inslee

Unlike Newsom, Inslee’s attempt to crown himself the King of Global Warming won’t be immediately derailed, since his state is only on fire because of protestors. This, however, poses a different problem. He’s going to be a good test case for the Democrat’s uneasy peace with the ever increasing share of the electorate who become catatonic upon hearing a pronoun. On the one hand, you need to take their votes for granted. On the other hand, they’re not like black people or regular gays: most voters actively, consciously despise wokies, and associating yourself with them will ruin a campaign even in deep blue areas. There’s still gonna be riots in a year. Biden’s gonna announce the sale of all our nation’s potable water to the good folks at Nestle and some trans freak named Sasha-Malia DeBalzac is going to use that as an opportunity to sell their new pamphlet about how it’s fascist to not burn down small businesses. No matter what Inslee does in response, it’ll end his career.

AOC

I’m not one of those “AOC is a secret conservative” weirdos, but I am aware enough of basic reality to know she has zero chance of coming close to the nomination. The right and the center both regard her as a literal demon. The party is already blaming her for the fact that a handful of faceless Reagan acolytes failed to flip their suburban districts even though they ran on sensible pragmatic proposals like euthanizing the homeless. The recriminations will only get more unhinged when the Dems eat shit in the 2022 midterms. She will be a Russian, she will be white male, she will be a communist, she will be a homophobe: any insult or conspiracy theory you can name, MSNBC will spend hours discussing. Her house seat challenger will receive a record amount of support from the DNC in 2024 and it’ll be all she can do to remain in congress.

Larry Hogan

Don’t be dissuaded by the fact that he’s a Republican. Larry is the DNC’s ideal candidate: a physically repulsive conservative who owes his entire career to appealing to the most spiteful desires of suburban white people. He’s an open racist in a material sense--if you’re old-school enough to think racism is a matter of beliefs and actions, rather than the presence of cultural signifiers--but his is the beloved “never Trump” style of racism that Dems covet. He’s also a Proven Leader who thinks the role of government should be to finance the construction of investment property and give police the resources they need to run successful drug trafficking operations. Few people embody the Democrat worldview more than Larry.

The Losers Bracket

These people will have at least a small chance due solely to the fact that the Democrats love losing. They have lost in the past, and in the Democrat Mind that makes them especially qualified.

Joe Kennedy

The man looks like a mushroom-human hybrid from a JRPG. Trump proved that physical hideousness need not doom a presidential bid, but a candidate still needs some kind of charm or oratorical abilities or, god forbid, a decent platform. Joe aggressively lacks all of these things. A vanity campaign would be a good way to raise money and perhaps secure an MSNBC gig, so Joe might still run.

Mayor Pete

I am 100% convinced that Pete’s 2020 run was a CIA plot meant to prevent working class Americans from ever having a chance of living decent lives. I am also 100% aware that Democrats are dumb enough to enthusiastically support a CIA plot meant to prevent working class Americans from ever having a chance of living decent lives. If we have some sort of military or terror disaster between now and 2023 the Dems are sure to want a TROOP, and wait wait wait you’re telling me this one is a gay troop? Holy hell there’s no way that could lose!

Stacy Abrams

Never underestimate the power of white guilt. She lost the gubernatorial race to Gomer Pyle’s grandson, and her spiritual guidance of the Dems saw the party lose black voters in Georgia in 2020. Nonetheless, she is regarded as a magic font of fierceness within the DNC. She might stand a chance if she can establish herself as the most conservative non-white candidate in the field, but there’s going to be stiff competition for that honor.

Elizabeth Warren

Liz is probably angry that the party so shamelessly sold her out even after she was a good little girl and sabatoged Bernie’s campaign for them--yet another example of high ranking US government officials reneging on their promises to the Native American community. Smdh. The fact that this woman hasn’t been bankrupted a dozen times over by various Wallet Inspectors genuinely astounds me. So Liz is probably going to run again, and her campaign will be even sadder the second time around.

It might surprise you to hear this if you don’t work at a college or NGO, but Liz diehards actually do exist. She’ll get even less support this time because there will be no viable leftist in the field for her to spoil, but she’ll still hang in long enough to make sure the very worst possible candidate beats out the second worst possible candidate. Maybe she’ll fabricate a rape accusation against Sherrod Brown. Maybe she’ll spend her entire allotted debate time doing a land acknowledgment. With Liz, anything is possible--so long as it ends in failure.

Amy Klobuchar

Amy was the most bloodthirsty of the 2020 also rans. She will double down on the unpopular failures of the Biden administration, explaining that if you weren’t such a selfish idiot you’d love the higher social security retirement age and oh my god are so such a moron you think you shouldn’t go bankrupt to get a COVID vaccine? There’s a non-unsubstantial segment of the Democratic base that’s self-hating enough to find this appealing, but it won’t be enough to make her viable.

Martha Coakley

She lost Ted Kennedy’s senate seat to a retarded man who was pretending to be even more retarded than he actually was. Then she lost a gubernatorial race to a guy who openly promised Massachusetts voters that he would punish them for electing him. Her record of failure is unparalleled, making her perhaps the ideal Democrat standard bearer for the twenty twenties.

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currantlee · 3 years

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German Postillon articles about the US Election translated

@theeeveetamer sent me this post in which someone translated German Postillon headlines about the US Election. Der Postillon is a German satire website disguised as a newspaper, kind of the German equivalent to The Onion.

So, I translated one of the articles for her and it was really, really fun. So I thought I might do more and share it on my blog so hopefully more people can have a laugh!

But first of all...

Gotta keep the American Spirit on this blog everyone!

Before I continue though: Please keep in mind that the Postillon is a satire website! None of the news in this post are actually true, it’s just meant to have a good laugh. I am repeating this again: none of these are actually real! I also want to make clear that none of those were written by me, I merely translated them! Credit to all the original texts and pictures goes to the Postillon. Except for the American flag. Credit to flickr for that one.

Anyways, let’s go and hopefully have some laughs.

Experts are certain that Donald Trump is going to win the Election because 2020 has been a shitty year so far anyways

Washington D.C. – Joe Biden hopes to put an end to Trump’s presidency after four years: he is clearly ahead in the polls on this Election Day. Despite that, most experts are sure that Trump will win – because so far, 2020 has been a shitty year anyways!

“If you look at the average of the national polls, Joe Biden is currently more than 8% ahead of Trump,” politic scientist Marianne Waters from the renowned Princeton University explains. “This means that his lead is way greater than Hillary Clinton’s in 2016. Under normal circumstances, you’d say that he’s already won the Election.”

She pauses for a second. “But now, please think about what a fucked up mess of a year 2020 has been so far! And then, think again about whether or not the American people are that fucked up in their brains to elect this human catastrophic failure for four more years! We’re talking about a year in which a global pandemic is going rampant across the planet anyways, we’re seeing islamistic and nazi terror attacks at the daily and entire havens are exploding ‘completely by accident’! Is there anybody who seriously believes in a sensible result of this election?!”

At least, scientists aren’t fully ruling out the possibility of Biden winning the Election. However, because this is 2020, the chance of an asteroid hitting the earth five minutes after this has happened is nothing but small.

– Der Postillon, 3rd of November 2020 (Original title: Experten sicher, dass Trump gewinnen wird, weil 2020 eh schon ein Scheißjahr ist). Translated by Seaberry Siren

“Oh Shit!” – Putin completely forgot to manipulate the US Election

Moskow – How can one be so scatterbrained! Wladimir Putin just realized to his very own horror that he completely forgot to manipulate the US Election. Now, his candidate Donald Trump is in trouble.

“Bljad! {T/N: Russian for “crap”} I knew I forgot something really important!”, Putin says. “But due to all the inner politics, the corona virus and all the other countries our hackers need to manipulate elections in, I totally forgot about the United States! This is just great!”

He turns to his assistant. “Dima! USA! Can we turn something around there? ... No? ... Really?! And if we deliver arms to the... How are those guys called again... Proud Boys? WHAT?! They already have enough of those?!? Oh well.”

However, in the end, Putin puts up with the situation after all: “Ah, we’ll see. Maybe everything will turn out fine one way or another.” He turns to his assistant again: “Dima, make an appointment with Donald Trump jr. as soon as possible! I heard he is is just as dumb as his father and has political ambitions as well. We’ll survive Biden until 2024.”

– Der Postillon, 4th of November 2020 (Original title: “Ach Kacke!” – Putin hat völlig vergessen, US-Wahlen zu manipulieren). Translated by Seaberry Siren with help from Theeeveetamer

Employees of the Oval Office try to stop Trump from tweeting “CIVIL WAR!!!! Kill all Democrats!”

Washington D.C. – While votes are still being counted all over the USA, dramatic scenes start to unfold in the White House. Currently multiple employees are trying to prevent President Donald Trump from grabbing his smartphone in order to tweet the words “CIVIL WAR!!!! Kill all Democrats!”.

“No Mr. President!”, an assistant shouts as she holds Trump’s arm. “Don’t do this! I have a family! I don’t want a civil war! Jack, restrain him, damnit! Anna, don’t stand there and stare so stupidly, help us! Ian, put his smartphone as far away as you can!”

In the meantime, countless citizens of the USA are wondering why Trump didn’t tweet anything for more than seven hours.

“Leave me alone!”, Trump cries as he desperately tries to reach his smartphone. “They want to steal my election by letting every vote count! Even those of the Democrats! I WANT TO SEE BLOOD!!!”

Meanwhile, outside of the White House, more and more people are speculating that Trump could accept a possible loss due to his silence on Twitter.

– Der Postillon, 4th of November 2020 (Original title: Mitarbeiter versuchen Trump davon abzuhalten, "CIVIL WAR!!!! Kill all Democrats!" zu twittern). Translated by Seaberry Siren

Not that as well! Half-Blind 100-year-old man who counts all the votes by his own dies of old age

Harrisburg – Oh no! Everything is going to take even longer now! James Reed, the 100-year-old man tasked with counting all the votes of the US Election surprisingly just died.

“Maybe it wasn’t such a great idea to task one man of his age with the counting of millions of votes,” the chief of the Electoral Office stated. “Unfortunately, he was the only one with a license for this important job.”

After the closing of the polling stations, Reed, who was responsible for counting the votes since the 1970s, traveled from state to state in order to count all the votes.

“He took his job very seriously. He’d often take 20 minutes in order to count a single vote,” an election assistant recalls as tears of gried run over her cheeks. “But just after he counted 92% of the votes at Michigan, he suddenly fell from his chair.”

The doctor who was called immediately could only confirm the death of the 100-year-old man.

The worst part is that Reed didn’t get to name a successor before his passing. This is why the authorities are desperately searching for a new person able to lift sheets of paper, read printed letters, ánd count one by one at the same time. Due to the American education system, this is going to be a challenge {T/N: Germans throwing a bit of shade here when their own education system isn’t something to be proud on either}.

– Der Postillon, 4th of November 2020 (Original title: Auch das noch! Halbblinder 100-Jähriger, der allein alle US-Stimmen auszählt, an Altersschwäche gestorben). Translated by Seaberry Siren

US Election: Trump lies way out in front

Washington D.C. – A good chunk of the votes of the US Election have been counted by now and there seems to be a trend: Donald Trump clearly lies way out in front! As expected, the President of the United States is taking the lead in the traditionally Republican states. But even in the Swing States, he already sees himself as the winner, even if it’s only with very little sanity.

“Trump clearly lies way out in front,” the politics expert Dean Jefferson affirms. “As in: he stands in front of an audience and lies their heads off!”

Many didn’t expect that Trump could lie way out in front this comfortably at this point of the cote count. Other less optimistic individuals had predicted a neck-and-airhead race {T/N: in German that’s Kopf-an-Hohlkopf-Rennen, literally head-on-airhead race} from the beginning.

– Der Postillon, 5th of November 2020 (Original title: US-Wahl: Trump lügt vorne). Translated by Seaberry Siren

Damned mess of a US Election STILL isn’t over!

Washington D.C. – FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE!!! At some point, enough is enough, isn’t it? The damned mess of a US Election STILL isn’t over after three days of counting the votes because the people in some Federal States apparently can’t manage to count the ballots!

Seriously: can they even count at all? Didn’t they know that the voters like to turn their ballots in with a vote on them and that you have to count these votes in order to determine a winner?!?

An average election of the Federal Congress {T/N: they mean the German Federal Congress, also known as the Bundestag} is finished, predicted and decided one second after closing the polling stations {T/N: Yes, German elections are that boring}. An official end result is provided in the next morning at the latest! How in the world can the Americans be trundle as fuck like this?!?

Suggestion: we ignore the entire shitshow over there for the next few weeks until those idiots have punched their faces in and once the victor is clear, there is one short headline: “Winner of the US Election: [insert winner’s name here]”. Then this whole crap would... WHAT?? Biden takes the lead at Georgia by 900 votes? Wowowowow! Just a moment please, I’ll have a look at the livetracker. Did CNN already comment on this? Nate Silver already tweeted as well... This has to be it for Biden! Now it can’t take much longer!

OH MY GOD, HOW EXITING!!!

– Der Postillon, 6th of November 2020 (Original title: Verdammte Drecks-US-Wahl immer noch nicht zu Ende!). Translated by Seaberry Siren

“If I can’t have it, then nobody will!” – Trump sets the White House on fire

Washington D.C. – A victory of Joe Biden in the US election is becoming more and more likely. But the answer to the question whether the Democrat is really going to move into the White House could be decided by a completely different factor than the votes – because apparently, Donald Trump is trying to burn the White House down now.

“If I can't have it, then nobody will!”, the US President says as he spreads gasoline at strategic points while he starts laughing manically: “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Shortly after, the Oval Office is up in flames. “Let’s see how Sleepy Joe will rule from a burned-down ruin!”, Trump exclaims with a shrill voice as he adds more fuel to the fire. “AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Burn, my little fire, burn!”

Directly before publishing this article, Trump realized that this wasn’t the best idea as he cut off his own escape route with the last bits of the fuel. “Oh! So this wasn’t very clever... IVANKAAAAAAA!! The Democrats set me on fire! Rescue the best president of all time!!!”

– Der Postillon, 6th of November 2020 (Original title: “Wenn ich es nicht haben kann, soll es keiner haben! – Trump setzt Weißes Haus in Brand). Translated by Seaberry Siren

"Enough!” – The Queen reclaims the United States for the British Empire

London – She’s got enough of this nonsense! Queen Elizabeth II. announced the return of the United States to the British Empire. A new, freshly assigned gouverneur will arrive in Washington shortly and take over the government business.

“We have been watching this unworthy ham without doing anything for far too long,” the Queen declared in a fiery speech. “It is time to return the colony where it belongs: into the lap of the United Kingdom. The experiment is hereby ended.”

Shortly after, the British Navy occupied important havens at the East Coast. On friday afternoon, Baltimore, Boston, Philadelphia and Miami had already been seized.

Apparently months of the global pandemic, national economic instability and a tiring election campaign did the trick: a wide range of the US population greeted the British soldiers euphorically and vowed to be loyal to the British Crown. “Long live the Queen!”-chants echoed through the streets.

Washington D.C. is still in the hands of the rebels lead by Donald Trump. However, observers believe that the British troops will seize the capital next week. According to the Queen’s orders, Trump will be put into chains and brought to Great Britain by ship in order to spend the rest of his days in the Tower of London by water and bread.

– Der Postillon, 6th of November 2020 (Original title: “Jetzt reicht’s!” – Queen unterstellt USA wieder der Britischen Krone). Translated by Seaberry Siren

#Politics #Satire #Translation #US Election 2020 #USA #Donald Trump #Joe Biden #Wladimir Putin #Queen Elizabeth II.#German #German Humor #Humor #SeaSi translates

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thoughtlesstales · 5 years

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This Is Your Only Warning

Title: This lis your only warning Word Count: 2024 Rating: General Relationship: Oliver Queen x Felicity Smoak Characters: Felicity Smoak, Oliver Queen, Thea Queen, John Diggle Triggers: -

Prompt by olicity-smoak-queen: established olicity, it is their rehearsal dinner, max fuller (the club guy whose fiance oliver slept with during their rehearsal dinner- episode 1x03) tries to seduce felicity as a way of getting back at oliver.. funny prompt, jealous/angry oliver loll (at the end oliver comes clean to felicity that he had slept with max's fiance at their rehearsal dinner)

“You know I thought you’d bail before today,” Felicity smirked leaning back against the wall outside Oliver’s bedroom.

“Really?” He stopped in front of her, hands tucked into his pockets, his grey suit jacket open and his tie loose.

“Yeah, you just don’t seem like commitment type,” she teased. She swiped her fringe out of her eyes -the lack of glasses leaving her feeling exposed- with her brightly coloured nails and ran her tongue over her vivid pink lips. She had her arms folded over her chest and the smile on her lips was teasing.

“Is this your way of telling me, you don’t want to be walking down the aisle next week?” he grinned removing his hands and laying his palms flat against the wall, either side of her head. He leaned in close, body pressing against her, his breath playing over her exposed skin on her neck.

“No..no, I think I still want too, haven’t got cold feet yet,” she breathed, her voice catching when his mouth ghosted over her throat, right where her pulse was hammering.

“Good because I very much want to marry you and then I want to strip that gown off of you afterwards and show you what to expect for the rest of your life,” he mused bringing his mouth to hers and kissing her hard. Felicity arms uncrossed and her hands sunk into his hair dragging him close. He pressed against her, her legs parting ever so slightly to allow him closer. Tongues battled, teeth grazed and lips seerered.

“There you are!” Thea exclaimed appearing from the stairs to their right. Oliver pulled away and looked at his sister out the corner of his eye and Felicity just hid her face in his neck, not letting Thea see the crimson blush creeping up her skin.“Oliver stop distracting Felicity and Felicity stop giving my brother excuses to skip the dinner,” she laughed tapping her foot against the carpet. “Move it!” It was her final command before disappearing again.

“I’m actually glad this is nearly over, your sister is a whirlwind,” Felicity laughed placing her palms against Oliver’s chest and pushing him back. “But she’s right, we really need to get down stairs, it is kinda our rehearsal dinner.” Oliver moaned and tried to kiss Felicity again, but she was adamant about getting down stairs so he stood no hope of getting any more action.

“Fine, lets go,” he sighed grabbing her hand and pulled her towards the stairs.

Hand in hand they walked down stairs, heading towards the waiting throng of people stood below. When they saw them coming, the clapping started and Diggle, proud as ever, starting whistling.

“Alright, alright it’s only dinner,” Oliver laughed shaking his head at their reaction. Everyone laughed and crowded around them when they got to bottom. There were more congratulations and lots of questions about next week. Oliver managed to pull away and crossed the foyer heading towards Diggle who was stood at the back grinning.

“You look thrilled,” he said spotting Oliver’s face.

“Why can’t it just be the wedding?” Oliver asked standing beside his friend as he watched Felicity interact with the guests.

“Because that is not how it goes,” Diggle laughed clapping Oliver on the back. “But not long now, how you feeling?”

“Good, a little nervous, but she’s the best thing to ever happen to me, so more thrilled than anything else,” Oliver nodded eyeing Diggle who was just beamed at him. “Seriously, if the wind changed direction, we’ll be calling you the joker.”

“Very funny,” Diggle scoffed. “I’m just happy for you man, you’ve both found someone you want to spend the rest of your life and that’s great.”

“Thanks, now do you think I should go rescue her?” Oliver frowned watching Felicity go into a full blown ramble, rivaling even some of the best ones she’s given in the past.

“No, I actually think she’s enjoying herself,” Diggle chuckled holding Oliver back as he too watched Felicity smile and laugh away with family and friends.

***

“Fuller, what are you doing here?” Oliver eyed the club owner cooley. He stood just inside the house, glass of champagne in hand, that cocky grin pissing Oliver off more than anything.

“Well I couldn’t miss this, it’s your rehearsal dinner, it seemed fitting I was here,” he grinned winking at Oliver. “She’s very beautiful, your bride that is.”

“Stay away from her Fuller,” Oliver growled moving closer to him away from the ears of guests.

“Oliver, Oliver, Oliver; you can’t expect me not to have a little chat with the blushing bride, since well, you certainly had more than a chat with mine,” he snapped glaring. “We’ll see just see how naive little Miss Smoak is and whether she really knows the man she is marrying.”

Fuller walked off, leaving Oliver stood there tense and the muscle in his jaw popping with anger. He had to find Felicity and explain everything before Fuller got to her. Scanning the garden he saw her blonde head bobbing away as she spoke rapidly with one of the guests, her hands were flying as she was deep in conversation. Cutting through the small crowd of family and friends Oliver moved behind Felicity, his hand sliding over her waist resting on her hip. Moving his mouth to her ear, he asked if he could have her for a moment.

He pulled her over to a quiet spot away from guests and tried his best to smile. “Oliver what’s wrong?” The worry in Felicity’s voice betrayed what she was feeling, which was she thought Oliver was about to tell her that he couldn’t do this and the wedding was.

“There’s something I need to tell you, something I did back before the island,” he said said clutching her hands in his. “There’s a man here, Max Fuller, he’s going to try something with you because of something I did.” Felicity visibly relaxed and a smile crossed her face, she knew where this was leading, but she decided to let him stew for a bit longer.

“And what did you do Oliver?” She asked solemnly, keeping her face straight.

“I may have slept with his fiance on their rehearsal dinner,” Oliver coughed, hand rubbing at the back of his neck. “and now he’s going to try something with you,” he continued.

“Oh Oliver, what am I going to do with you?” she laughed reaching up and touching his cheek. “I know what happened, Tommy and I had a little heart to heart over you,” she grinned. “I know all your dirty secrets,” she winked smiling away at him.

“Seriously?” He choked. “You made me go through that and you knew!”

“Of course I knew, I know everything,” she grinned. “Oliver he can try whatever he wants, nothing is going happen.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she agreed stepping up on her tip toes to press a kiss to his lips. “I’m walking down the aisle to you next week no matter what,” she breathed against his lips. Oliver nodded and held her face in his hands as he kissed her tenderly, she was all he wanted and he would never forgive himself if she left him because of stupid actions of a horny kid.

“Can I go now?” she asked pulling back. “I don’t fancy being told of by Thea again.”

“Yeah, but no more talking with Tommy about me,” he said bumping his forehead with hers.

“Can’t promise anything there and where is he anyway?”

“Late as usual,” Oliver grinned watching her walk away.

“Miss Smoak?” Felicity turned at her name and saw a man stood behind her. “Max Fuller,” he offered her his hand. When she placed it in his, he brought it to his lips and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. “It’s lovely to meet you.”

“Likewise,” Felicity smiled softly glancing up at him. “Do you know Oliver?” she asked taking the glass of wine he passed her.

“I do, I own a club in the center of Starling, healthy competition,” he smirked winking at her. Felicity knew how he knew Oliver, and that he owned a club. She also knew that his club was having problems staying in the black since Verdant had come into the scene.

“Oh yes, Poison is it?”

“That’s it, have you been there?”

“A few times yes, it’s one of the better clubs,” she grinned flicking her hair over her shoulder.

“Well thank you, I am surprised I haven't seen you though, a woman like you is hard to miss,” he smirked eyes trailing up and down her body. She was wearing a form fitting black and white dress, which came to just above her knees. The neck was square, exposing her chest but covering her shoulders; the few accessories she wore were bright and bold.

“You’re quite the charmer Mr Fuller,” Felicity breathed her hand reaching out and touch his hand softly, her teeth sunk into her bottom lip as she eyed him. Max laughed and shook his head.

“Call me Max please Felicity and if I wanted to charm you Felicity I could,” he grinned closing in on her, His hand circled her waist and he pushed her back into the shadows out of the view of guests. Felicity held her ground and looked up at him. His head tipped, like he was going to kiss her, but she moved her head so it was level with his ear.

“You are going to join me now, we’re going to find a bedroom preferably Oliver’s and we’re going to have some fun,” he breathed his grip growing tighter on her skin. She couldn’t believe he was actually going to force himself on her just to get back at Oliver. Her clutch still in hand she flicked it open and drew out the short blade inside. She brought her hand up between them and pressed the blade into his throat, her other hand gripping his arm so he couldn’t pull away. She did not like to be threatened and he wasn’t about to get away with it.

“Now Mr Fuller, this is your only warning. I know who you are and know what Oliver did to you, but if you think I will be doing the same you are sadly mistaken. I love my Fiance very much and have no intention of cheating on him willfully or forcefully,” she growled taking a moment to breath. “Now if you come anywhere near me, Oliver or our families I will end you. I will turn your business to dust and leave you penniless and if you don’t think I can, try me. Do you understand?” she threatened, her voice cold and harsh. Felicity couldn’t stand men like him and working with the Arrow she was able to take men like him down. “I said do you understand me?”

“Yes, yes I understand,” he stammered. He had paled dramatically and his hands were visibly shaking. There was a line red line on his neck where the knife had bitten into his flesh.

“Good, now I think it’s time for you to leave,” she stated finally, stepping away and looking around to see if they had caught anyones attention. She slipped the knife back into her clutch and made sure her dress was still fine. Max nodded, he set his glass down on the nearest tabled and stormed out leaving a rather smug feeling Felicity stood watching.

“Do I even want to know what just happened there?” Oliver asked appearing behind Felicity. “Or why you are carrying a knife at our rehearsal dinner?”

“Probably not, but lets just say Fuller won’t be bothering us again,” she grinned turning around to face him. “It’s not only the Arrow that can be dangerous.”

“So it seems,” Oliver nodded a proud smile turning his lips up. “Do you think we can leave yet?” He asked looking round to see if his sister was on the prowl. Felicity laughed, it was a high pitched, heart warming laugh that brought a grin to Oliver’s face. Yeah she was his and always would be.

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