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teresa-moyocoyotzin · 3 years

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QOTS 5.09 “I Love You” Scenes Meta

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR 5.09 OF QUEEN OF THE SOUTH ABOUND

Okay this is basically just me trying to place James and Teresa’s ILY scenes within the larger context of their relationship and other kisses, and analyzing their respective reactions!

(Also just a disclaimer that obviously this is just one fan’s interpretation, there’s no right or wrong here! This is just how I see it and hopefully it’ll connect w some of y’alls insight too!)

Oh boy okay so I’m just gonna do this in the style of my old Bolivia visions meta b/c I think the best in bullet point form, so we’re just gonna go thru the scenes like super in depth, w/ way more detail than necessary. Think of it as a close reading, but instead of a piece of writing, it’s a tv show, and it has no sources except My Opinions lol

I’m still planning to actually write out my reactions to the whole episode when I re-watch it, but I can’t stop picking apart the I Love You scenes b/c honestly there’s so much going on there! Come on y’all this has been building since the second episode of this show there’s a lot to unpack here. I’m mostly focusing on how these kisses are vastly different from any of their other kisses IMO and how that affects the love confessions!

THIS IS GONNA BE UNNECESSARILY LONG AND NOT VERY ORGANIZED, BE WARNED

Let’s start when James says “You wouldn’t let me do it, so why should I let you?” shall we? B/c THIS MOMENT

SO as others have pointed out, this line really feels like a love confession in and of itself, and I’m sure if they hadn’t confessed their feelings in the same scene we would all be obsessing about it. I low-key am anyways..

Sure they’ve acknowledged that they do things to protect each other etc. etc. but this is really James making sure that she knows that he knows that SHE knows that they both feel the same way, and he’s not dancing around it anymore, not when she’s throwing herself into danger yet again. Teresa doesn’t have an answer, but it does make something click in her brain. No matter what moral code she’s following these days, if James was walking into a death trap like that she wouldn’t want him to go and would try to stop him. And right now, he’s feeling the same thing for her, he knows that she cares as much about him as he cares about her and that it’s a LOT, and he’s telling it straight to her face.

When she kisses him, I think it’s an acknowledgment of that, as well as her sort of trying to return the sentiment. And also, she doesn’t have a good answer to his question and wants to kiss him so she does!! James is clearly surprised by the kiss, as evident by his posture and slowly relaxing into the kiss. But THEN

After James’ brain catches up, he kisses her again, and even tho it’s short it looks to me like a pretty powerful, strong kiss!!?? (hard to tell b/c as usual…. they filmed it in a black hole..) and to me, it reads like he really let all his true feelings come through in that kiss POSSIBLY FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

Now, lemme explain. Their first kiss in 3.05 was undeniably full of feelings and emotions, and I’m sure that night was super passionate and full of love! However, knowing what we know now about how everything plays out, I don’t think they were really at the point of saying ILY yet. Even if they did both love each other then, and I think they did, they had a lot of trust issues and abandonment issues to work through first. And as we all know, after that night everything goes to shit and they go about 12 steps backwards. My main point here is that I think both James and Teresa are still feeling generally unsure about each other’s feelings during their first kiss. This is also true for.. literally all of their kisses? Until now. Because in 3.09, they’re just super horny from taking over Phoenix but Teresa is just barely getting over Guero’s death in that episode.. I think that kiss was more about them feeling like the King and Queen of phoenix and less about their Actual Feelings (just imo obviously). And then they kiss after Teresa gets back form Bolivia but Teresa is suspecting him then and he’s certainly feeling her hesitation so no big feelings in that kiss either. Then of course there’s the goodbye kiss at the end of s3, and yes in that one I do think they were both letting their true feelings show in their kiss but they were both misinterpreting the other’s feelings and both were in a way lying to the other in that scene. James about his reason for leaving, and Teresa about her true reasons for wanting him to stay. And THEN, the kiss at the beginning of s5 is very much a “I’m happy you’re back, I want to be with you, but we can’t” kind of kiss, and again, there were feelings there but they were both still holding something back, and still not on the same page about what they wanted and were working towards. But in this kiss, they are on the same page , working toward the same thing, which is to get themselves OUT, together. Ever since they made that decision, there is an implicit agreement between them that they’re getting out together, and I think they both know that they want to be together if they make it out. And they both are desperate to have the other know their feelings before any potential deaths. However, they don’t really KNOW that they’re on the same page until that KISS.

SO ALL THIS TO SAY that in my eyes, the main reason Teresa’s so shocked is that this is the first time that James didn’t hold ANY of his love for her back when he kissed her, and she FELT IT babeyy. Teresa initiates this kiss to show him her true feelings, which takes him bit by surprise, but then he returns the feelings Full Force which takes Teresa totally by surprise.

I mean just look at her face after they part, before he says ILY. She looks shocked and confused, almost a little angry? I don’t think it’s really anger though, so much as it is being taken aback by the emotions that James is laying all out on the table for her to clearly see. Her face here is actually what drove me to write this meta, because at first I was so confused as to why she looked so shook up after the first kiss, cuz like girl U INITIATED IT?? I think part of it is that Teresa was a bit taken aback by the strength of her own feelings in that moments and the urge to kiss him despite them not being out of the business yet. She’s realized that if she’s gonna die tomorrow, she wants to kiss James first, and she wants that like, really bad. And also she loves him and was overcome w the urge to show him. But mainly, I really don’t think she expected to be met w/ such strong love from James’ kiss, because all the other times, he had been holding back his feelings.

James’ face after the kiss totally plays into this theory for me - he looks like he just got CAUGHT. She’s looking at him like what the Fuck was that!!! And he’s like oh SHit now I just gotta say it. The way he looks at her and shakes his head a little like, wow I’m really about to say it. I think it’s been on the tip of his tongue all episode, but he realized he just totally showed his hand with that kiss and there’s no going back now.

But omg you guys his face when he says it just SENDS ME TO THE FLOOR his little smile???? Like he’s thinking “how did we end up here? am I really about to tell Teresa I love her? YEP”

I don’t think she had any intention of telling him her feelings so outright yet, to me it totally makes sense that he tells her first. At the beginning of the season, Teresa made it clear that she does want to be with James, but she felt restricted by their life. So, James has spent the past season coming to terms with a) that Teresa still wants to be with him if they can get out of the business, b) that she’s changed a lot and no longer follows her old moral code, and c) that he still loves her even if she’s not entirely the same person he fell in love with originally.

Meanwhile Teresa came to terms w/ the fact that she wanted to be w/ him early in the season but pushed that Right down after indulging in 1 kiss (which I think was also meant to be a reassurance that she did want to be with him) but spent the rest of the season trying to grow her business, which in her mind would forever keep her from being able to be with James. So even if she acknowledged her feelings, she was not letting herself dwell on them. James, however… oh boy has he been dwelling. Especially since Dumas so kindly pointed his feelings out to him lol. So I think Teresa’s strong feelings for James have been building under the surface but she wasn’t allowing herself to acknowledge them at all, and therefore I think she kind of surprised herself a bit by kissing him, was then even more surprised by how strongly her feelings were showing, and then James hits her with a Big Feelings kiss and then an I Love You??? Oh boy

Taking this into account it totally makes sense that she looks super shocked after James tells her, even if they both have ~known~ for a long time. Y’know?

Okay so then there’s the sex scene which I LOVED omg, like absolutely zero complaints, super hot, exactly what they and we deserved. I’m not gonna get into it b/c I think it speaks for itself, but like, would happily read a meta about it if someone wrote it 👀

Anyways I think the morning after, when Teresa is laying in bed admiring James, is when Teresa is really digesting all of these feelings and the fact of them being out in the open, and she’s deciding that she needs to tell James she loves him, like ASAP. She is also at the same time having to accept that she’s going on a super dangerous mission today that she night not come back from, and if she does come back from it, they’re gonna have to still find a way Out. All in all, safe to say she’s got a lot going on in her mind, but it’s clear by her gazing at him that James is a big factor in all of it.

I love the next scene so much omg

They’ve gotten ready for the day and James is once again pulling tricks out of his bag to ensure her safety, and she’s just.. staring at him. My personal headcanon here is that Teresa’s intuition was telling her that a) the phonegun was gonna be irrelevant, and b) that she had about 30 seconds before her phone rang and she had to leave for potential death. Therefore it just blocked out literally everything but James and needing to tell him that she loved him. The moment I love the most is actually when James says “Here, try it” and he steps closer and she sort of jolts like they’re physically connected. The first time I saw the scene I literally gasped from that one step he takes because they just had this electric pull between them that was so obvious that I literally felt it. The chemistry!!!!

She’s just so focused on him in that moment and that whole scene, and the way she whispers “I love you” likes she just HAS to say it, she has to make sure he KNOWS she loves him before she runs off to risk her life. And the fact that it happens while James is actively trying to set her up for protection??? POETIC CINEMA I tell you. Kudos to Alice for that because apparently it was her idea and it’s my FAVE

Another thing that I really don’t know how to interpret but I find interesting from a cinematic point of view: James and Teresa are literally left in the dark during James’ love confession. It’s at night, and there is NO DAMN LIGHT AT ALL ON THEIR FACES (I bet the gif makers really appreciated that one huh…) so we can’t even see their reactions very well. Meanwhile, when Teresa confesses her feelings, it’s super brightly lit, in a white room, she’s wearing white, we can see all of the emotions on their faces. IDK what this is meant to symbolize exactly, so if anyone has thoughts PLEASE share them.

James seems a little in shock after, I think he really didn’t expect her to say it, even if he assumed she felt the same. And I think he was okay w/ that and had accepted it, knowing it would be really hard for her to say. After all, once she acknowledges it, it’s that much more painful if they have to say goodbye…

I think the way she says it perfectly captures how hard it is for her to get the words out, even if she feels an overwhelming urge to say them and make sure he knows. She seems very sure of her feelings, and I don’t think she hesitated to tell him at all, but it’s still a big step, and presumably the last person she said ILY to, in this context, was Guero. And his death destroyed her, so ofc she’s be scared to admit that she’s in love and put herself at the risk of losing it again. God Alice did such a good job w/ that line it really gets me every time. So sure, and soft, but with no room for doubt. Like she knows he doesn’t expect her to say it, but she can’t bear to let him think she doesn’t love him back. And it’s so simple too, like she’s saying “of COURSE I love you, how could you think I don’t?” AHHHH

And just the way she stares at him the whole time like she’s just waiting for him to stop talking so she can say it, and while she waits she’s perfectly happy to ignore the situation at hand and think about how she loves him and he loves her and also probably how good he FUCKS cuz like……………y’all saw his hand goin’ down there after he flips her over right 👀 okay ANYWAYS

So she finally tells him!!!!!! That she loves him!!! And kisses him!! Just to really drive the point home. And because, again, I think something was telling Teresa to kiss her man and tell him she loves him because she was about to get a call from Kostya’s men any second.

I really think James’ sort of blank look after she tells him is just him being in shock that she actually said it. I would have loved to know what he would have said after that, but alas.

That final shot before the phone rings though ❤️ their foreheads together, her hand on his heart and his hand on her hand, also the way that visually her arm (clothed in white) is across his body (clothed in black/gray) and vice versa w/ his arm is across her body, sort of continuing the sort of yin-yang theme they have going this season, I just think is a cool touch on the behalf of whoever choreographed/directed the scene.

I also interpret it as a very grounding moment for both of them, rooted in physical touch but not sexual in any way, just comforting. They finally can completely take comfort in each other because their feelings are out in the open and they’re completely connected. AGH they really have me in a chokehold lol

Anyways this is so fucking long and rambly, I don’t know if it makes sense but I did my best to proofread, I’m so sorry but thank you for reading if you’ve made it all the way here, or like even if you made it thru 1/16 of it lol I APPRECIATE YOU

I’m not sure what the main point is here, but anyways I think the actors, writers, directors, etc. did an amazing job w/ their I Love You scenes and I’m personally feeling v satisfied w/ it!

#i have no idea if i'm even saying anything new here but somehow i could not rest until i wrote it down lol so here ya go #qots meta #queen of the south meta #queen of the south #qots #jeresa #jeresa meta #qots spoilers #queen of the south spoilers #jeresa spoilers

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bravadoseries · 4 years

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tell us about your braudrey wasteland baby analysis

this ended up being long and angsty i am sorry . if u want i can analyze songs from his other album in a happier way to even it out lol

“nfwmb”:

“when i first saw you / the end was soon” - audrey and bruce met on the helicarrier and i think when they fought in new york they both knew they might not come out of it. audrey was inexperienced and way out of her depth, bruce was really against turning back into the hulk again.

“Give your heart and soul to charity / ‘Cause the rest of you, the best of you / Honey, belongs to me” - they both give parts of themselves away for the greater good and feel most human with each other

“Nothing fucks with my baby / Nothing can get a look in on my baby / Nothing fucks with my baby / Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing” - when hozier wrote this song everyone thought it was about how nothing fucks with his baby because he protects her but he said actually nobody fucks with her because she’s extraordinarily powerful and scary. i think both of these apply to braudrey—nobody fucks with bruce because audrey protects him, and nobody fucks with the hulk because he’s giant and terrifying

“moment’s silence (common tongue)”

“When stunted hand earns place with man by mere monstrosity / Alarms are struck and shore is shook by sheer atrocity / A cure I know that soothes the soul, does so impossibly” - this is related to an upcoming ~chapter~ lol but basically audrey and bruce go on a retreat upstate that’s supposed to give him the opportunity to hulk out and like scare some squirrels in the woods but while they’re there, audrey and the hulk become good friends ? and so that’s why she’s able to reason with bruce when he turns

“almost (sweet music)”

i would place this one as post aou when audrey thinks bruce is dead.

“i’m almost me again, she’s almost you” - after a bit, she starts dating again but she’s still very much grieving and hung up on him

“i wouldn’t know where to start / sweet music playin’ in the dark / be still my foolish heart / don’t ruin this on me” - audrey becomes good friends with wanda and pietro after age of ultron and they haven’t been around long but they ask her to talk about it because she sits in her room playing the same song every day and crying and they’re like … ?

“I got some colour back, she thinks so, too / I laugh like me again, she laughs like you” - i think this is just audrey letting herself be close to people again. it’s not the same but it’s not so lonely

“movement”

“I still watch you when you're groovin’” so this song i think is about like someone dancing and being really seductive and sexy but this reminds me of bruce watching audrey dancing really terribly w tony at every avengers function. audrey literally cannot dance for shit and it’s endearing to bruce

“When you move / I can recall somethin' that's gone from me / When you move / Honey, I'm put in awe of somethin' so flawed and free” - i think bruce gets kind of fixated on watching audrey spar and fight; like partially because it’s hot but also because he sees her as very powerful and finds it magnetizing

“no plan”

i’m gonna go ahead and place this as ragnarok/infinity war

“for starts / what a waste to say the heart could feel apart / or feel complete, baby” - audrey and bruce reunite on sakaar and it’s a very emotional scene; it’s a waste to say the heart could feel apart because she knows she’s not less without him but there’s this understanding, this thing that’s been off that’s finally righted when they’re back together

“My heart is thrilled by the still of your hand / That's how I know now that you understand” - this applies to a very specific moment in ragnarok before they go to fight hela where audrey puts her hand over bruce’s and he looks at her and she’s unable to tell him that if they die right now she loves him but he knows anyway

“There's no plan / There's no race to be run / The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun / There's no plan / There's no kingdom to come / I’ll be your man if you got love to get done / Sit in and watch the sunlight fade / Honey, enjoy, it's gettin' late / There's no plan / There's no hand on the rein / As Mack explained, there will be darkness again” - so this is all very apocalyptic and not to flex but i was at a concert and hozier talked about this line and how the whole song was written about the doomsday clock and a time when it was closer to zero than ever; it’s a song about throwing caution into the wind at the end of the world and i think that’s fitting. there’s a period where audrey realizes that they’re not gonna beat thanos, and that the snap is gonna happen, and she takes a breath and notices everything around her and just thinks about how she’s lucky to have had it at all.

“nobody”

“You know when it's twelve o'clock in Soho, baby / It's gin o'clock where I'll wake up, I don't know / And I think about you though everywhere I go / And I've done everything and I've been everywhere, you know” - this just reminds me of when audrey is away on missions and bruce is still at the base; she’s been everywhere in the world because she’s been alive for so long and she’s been around for a lot; the one thing she’s most grateful for her lifetime to have coincided with though is bruce

“i’ve had no love like your love / from nobody” - this is just them lol they understand each other on another level

“I'd be appalled if I saw you ever try to be a saint / I wouldn't fall for someone I thought couldn't misbehave” - this is audrey 2 bruce … she would be appalled if he ever tried to get rid of the hulk for good; i think that it’s such a significant part of how they see and understand each other

“If I had the choice between hearing either noise: The excitement of a thousand or the soothing of your voice / At first chance, I'd take the bed warmed by the body” - they just choose each other. they choose to be with each other. this reminds me of the “give your heart and soul to charity” line in nfwmb because it’s like if they had to be heroes without each other they wouldn’t be happy

“as it was”

there’s a conversation bruce and audrey have at the safehouse in age of ultron where bruce is saying he doesn’t feel the same since wanda fucked with his head bc of the vision he had, and he’s worried abt whether or not audrey can continue to care for him when the chaos the hulk created wasn’t for any good or if she’s changed her mind and she has to assure him that she hasn’t; there are a lot of lines from this song that remind me of that

-“whatever’s here that’s left of me / is yours just as it was”

-“Just as it was, baby / Before the otherness came / And I knew its name / The drug, the dark, / The light, the flame”

-“its holds had the fight of my baby / and the lights were s bright as my baby / but your love was unmoved”

-“the sights were as stark as my baby / and the cold cut as sharp as my baby / and the nights were as dark as my baby / half as beautiful, too” (unrelated sidenote but this line gives me chills always)

then the second verse of this reminds me of audrey and bruce in ragnarok:

“Tell me if somehow Some of it remains How long you would wait for me How long I've been away The shape that I'm in now Your shape in the doorway Make your good love known to me Or just tell me about your day”

“shrike”

so audrey has a really really hard time saying i love you after bruce leaves at the end of aou, to anyone—she says it to steve maybe once, but she can’t say it besides that one time, and it’s part of why she’s so torn up about peggy dying because she didn’t tell her she loved her enough in the months leading up to her death.

but also, when bruce comes back, audrey still can’t muster up the ability to say them out loud, and so at the end of infinity war, she’s left without telling any of the people she loves that she loves them. when she comes back in endgame, she’s able to overcome that to tell them. this song reminds me of that

“I couldn't utter my love when it counted / Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now” - this is when she comes back

“The words hung above / But never would form / Like a cry at the final breath that is drawn / Remember me love when I'm reborn / As the shrike to your sharp / And glorious thorn” - this is both; she couldn’t say it, but she’s “reborn” during endgame and she realizes that the worst has already happened countless times; there’s nothing else to be afraid of that she hasn’t survived

“Then when I met you, my virtues uncounted / All of my goodness is going with you now” - this is just audrey when bruce leaves

“talk”

ok this entire song is just both audrey and bruce when they like each other but don’t wanna say anything about it.

I'd be the voice that urged Orpheus When her body was found Hey yeah I'd be the choiceless hope in grief That drove him underground Hey yeah I'd be the dreadful need in the devotee That made him turn around Hey yeah And I'd be the immediate forgiveness In Eurydice Imagine being loved by me

I won't deny I've got in my mind now (Hey, yeah) All the things I would do So I try to talk refined For fear that you find out (Hey, yeah) How I'm imagining you

I'd be the last shred of truth In the lost myth of true love Hey yeah I'd be the sweet feeling of release Mankind now dreams of Hey yeah That's found in the last witness before the wave hits Marvelling at God Hey yeah Before he feels alone one final time And marries the sea Imagine being loved by me

“dinner & diatribes”

i think…..this doesn’t match up exactly but the new year’s eve chapter…..Yeah

“Let there be damage ensued and tabloid news / And that kind of love / That's the kinda love / I’ve been dreaming of”

“would that i”

okay buckle up this one is a lot

“True that love in withdrawal was the weeping of me / That the sound of the saw must be known by the tree / Must be felled for to fight the cold / I fretted fire but that was long ago” ok this i think is bruce’s perspective; love in withdrawal was the weeping of me = the isolation he put himself in following becoming the hulk was a very bad spot for him even though it was safest. the sound of the saw must be known by the tree = gotta risk it for the biscuit! must be felled for to fight the cold / i fretted fire but that was long ago = i used to be afraid but now i’m not; it’s worth the risk

“Oh, but you're good to me / Oh, you're good to me / Oh, but you're good to me, baby” bruce is just continually confused and surprised by the fact that audrey isn’t scared of him

“With each love I cut loose I was never the same / Watching still living roots be consumed by the flame / I was fixed on your hand of gold / Laying waste to my loving long ago”

-with each love i cut loose i was never the same = bruce has cut off everyone he’s been close to since the hulk happened and he’s not the same when he’s alone; he thinks he can make it by himself and he probably can but he doesn’t have to

-i was fixed on your hand of gold / laying waste to my loving long ago = this is actually nice bc the gold imagery specifically matches up with what audrey’s powers are, and so there’s that connection to be made

“And it's not tonight / Where I'm set alight / And I blink in sight / Your blinding light” this also just matches up really nicely w audrey’s powers lol

“sunlight”

“I had been lost to you, sunlight / And flew like a moth to you, sunlight / Oh your love is sunlight” i think this would be bruce after age of ultron ? he’s been lost to audrey, but when he sees her he gravitates back toward her immediately; he sees her love as sunlight

“the tale is the same / told before and told again / soul that's born in cold and rain / knows sunlight, sunlight, sunlight” - bruce is the soul that’s born in cold and rain and audrey is sunlight

“Each day you rise with me / Know that I would gladly be / The Icarus to your certainty” - i think he’s just devoted to her

“wasteland, baby”

okay going line by line for this one lol buckle up!

“All the fear and fire of the end of the world / Happens each time a boy falls in love with a girl” - when they’re fighting thanos audrey is actually reminded of bruce; how losing him felt like the world ending, now it’s for real

“Happens great, happens sweet / Happily, I'm unfazed here, too” - when audrey goes at the end of infinity war, she goes smiling

“Wasteland, baby / I’m in love, I'm in love with you” - they just love each other

“All the things yet to come are the things that have passed / Like the holding of hands, like the breaking of glass / Like the bonfire that burns / That all words in the fight fell to” - everything that has happened has led them to this moment; loki, ultron, hydra, etc. without that they wouldn’t have each other, but they also probably wouldn’t be dealing with this mess. it’s not good or bad, it’s just the way things went.

“Wasteland, baby / I’m in love, I'm in love with you”

“And I love too, that love soon might end / Be known in its aching / Shown in the shaking / Lately of my wasteland, baby” - they know it’s over before it’s over; they can tell what’s going to happen before it happens, and they’re just paralyzed in that moment

“Be still, my indelible friend, you are unbreaking / Though quaking, though crazy / That's just wasteland, baby” - when audrey goes bruce pleads with her to stay

“And that day that we'll watch the death of the sun / To the cloud and the cold and those jeans you have on / And you'll gaze unafraid as they sob from the city roofs” - in the years after the snap, bruce has the most vivid dream almost every night where audrey’s . like . ghost comes to him and takes him to the top of a hill and they watch the world end around them. it’s terrible and every time he wakes up he misses it.

“When the stench of the sea and the absence of green” - ok lol this just reminds me of how the hulk wouldn’t come fight at the end of infinity war

“Are the death of all things that are seen and unseen / Are an end but the start of all things that are left to do” - the world ends; half of everything is dead; but they’re still left. bruce and steve and everyone have to go on living still.

“Wasteland, baby / I'm in love, I'm in love with you / (That's it)” - this abruptness just reminds me a lot of the snap; that’s it. there’s no going back.

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fandomlife-giver · 4 years

Text

Beacon Maid - 4

Summary: So, you’ve invited us to a ball at the Trancy mansion? Very well. I’m happy to let you dance to my tune for an evening. Butler who does a graceful, subtle dance, one to which I am more accustomed to than you. Next time, ”Beacon Maid” Surely, you jest. If I couldn’t dance to that, what kind of maid would I be? One, two, three…one, two, three…

Pairings: Sebastian X Demon!Reader X Claude

@wintersdoll @naniky @danabuggxd @redryderdesigns @inumorph

Word Count: 2439

Warnings: Mild language

Your name: submit What is this?

During the transition into night, the Trancy Manor grew still like a machine that’s powered down. All the bright airiness of the day was beginning to fade, darkness falling over it like a velvet blanket and all that was left was the low lighting of the outside that threw long beams across the polished floor, reflecting in some of the glass cabinets. There’s not even a breeze to disrupt the curtains that were perfectly idle, but the slightest breath of movement momentarily blocked the light, swirling mist with soft blurred edges seeped through the pores in the wall. It’s the sort of movement that’s seen on the peripherals of vision, the kind that breeds rumors of monsters lurking in the dark dragging the shadows with them like coattails.

You stopped in the shadows, your body shifting to a solid black form in a dizzying rush of suddenly fleshed out bones and skin. You pressed back against a wall deeper in the darkness, where no being would be able to see you. Closing your eyes, you focused on where the pulsing of the three heartbeats was coming from. It was like ripples through the marble floor, vibrating under your feet, up through your bones and resting as a dull rumbling in your chest.

By separating yourself from the room of human guests, it had become much easier for you to pinpoint the three humans you needed to locate. Ciel’s was the strongest pulse, and you tried your best to push him aside as you singled in on Alois and his mysterious prisoner.

In a blur, your form moved from wall to wall as you spotted a staircase. The pulsing was getting stronger now. But what confused--no, more like worried you was how it felt. Almost as if the very essence of the prisoner’s soul was calling to you.

You ignored it though and pushed forward, traveling down the staircase to near were you assumed some sort of sellar would be. As you made it to the bottom of the steps, you immediately stopped at the figure walking down the hallway that led to the room where you knew Alois and the prisoner was.

You felt yourself grow annoyed as you stared at him.

He was casually walking around the manor, eyeing everything that he passed by as if he was searching for something.

Ciel must’ve ordered him to search the property. He was going through every room he could find without a care in the world. You grew confused as you realized something.

Wait, can he not sense the two souls beside Ciel’s?

That wouldn’t make any sense. But the fact that he passed by that area with no hint of being drawn to it made you question it. Could that mean he truly didn’t smell anything besides Ciel?

You continued to watch him until he suddenly stopped and sharply turned to stare directly at where you were in the corner of the room. You grew tense as his eyes traveled up to where you were currently compressed in the corner.

You felt the air suddenly shift as you could’ve sworn you locked eyes.

‘What are you doing?’

●●●

“We need something to make them grovel at her feet. I’m sure I’m not the only one who sees the way those butlers look at her. Nothing like causing a little drama between these two lovers, right, Ran Mao?”

The person addressed to nodded her head in agreement earning a loving rub on the leg from him.

Lau narrowed his eyes slightly. “A shame she seems hellbent on ignoring me. She already left us with no choice but to stay put, missing our appointment with the stylist I prepared.”

He sighed as he glanced around the room, and when his sight landed on the woman that was staring straight back at him, his eyes widened.

Ayani stood stiff as she kept her own eyes wide and focused on Lao and his companion, making sure they stayed put and didn’t wander off after Y/N.

His mouth opened in both confusion and fascination. “It’s so interesting. That prince’s maid was who told us that Y/N suddenly disappeared, and yet, she hasn’t taken her eyes off of us. I do wonder, do you think she’s covering for our missing cat?”

The two of them shared a knowing look as a grin spread across his face. “Well then, I guess we should find out what’s going on then. Let’s go, darling.”

Ayani’s muscles tensed up as she noticed them stand up and move toward the door, panic rising in her. “No, I can’t let them leave!”

She hurried over to them, nearly stumbling as she came to a stop in front of them. “U-Um, pardon me, but I don’t think you should isolate yourselves from the rest of the guests.”

Lau tilted his head, a smirk playing on his lips. “Oh? Whatever for? Y/N didn’t seem to view it as a problem, considering her depart.”

She pressed her lips together as she tried to think up an excuse. “Well...yes! You see, Lord Phantomhive had ordered her to search the manor for anything unusual and it would be rude to walk about Lord Tracy’s mansion without permission, wouldn’t it?”

Lau raised an eyebrow. “That’s funny since our young lord had ordered Y/N to spend her time with me to prepare for the ball and I didn’t see any other interaction between them. Besides, I don’t see anyone, what would be the harm in a little exploring?”

Her teeth ground before she spat back a response. “Lord Trancy could find you or his servants and I’m sure neither would go light on someone like you roaming around where you shouldn’t.”

A small triumphant smile formed on his lips. “Lord Trancy? But weren’t we all told he wasn’t here and he isn’t to return for another half hour when the party starts, so do tell me, love, what exactly are you on about?”

Ayani’s jaw fell as she stuttered out her words in embarrassment. “O-Oh, um, w-well it…”

Lau stepped forward and lowered his voice so no one could hear. “Listen, I don’t know what you and Y/N are planning but I made a deal with her master and I still need to collect so either you tell me where she is or I’ll just have to find out for myself.”

For the longest time, she stared back at him, eyes glazed over as she considered her options. She finally sighed in defeat and shook her head.

“I’m sorry, my friend…”

Her eyes went back to the two of them as she straightened up. “Y/N and I discovered something. We saw Lord Trancy and his butler holding someone hostage outside the manor. I wanted to warn my master but she insisted not to. She said everyone was in danger so she would go and investigate. She asked me to distract you and keep everyone safe.”

Lau leaned back in surprise at what he heard. “Alois Trancy is holding someone hostage?” He threw his head back as he laughed, holding Ran Mao closer to him before rubbing his chin. “My, my…”

“It looks like this party will be far more interesting than I thought.”

●●●

Your heart dropped when you heard Sebastian’s voice but you kept your composure, hoping he couldn’t see you.

Why do you care?

You heard him chuckle as he turned away from your direction.

‘Y/N, are you upset with me? It isn’t I who offered you up to Lau. Be nice kitten and enjoy yourself’

Enjoy myself? You nearly sighed out of relief when you got the confirmation that he still thought you were with the servants.

This isn’t over, Sebastian. I am still very upset with you. We’re gonna talk when I get back, but until then, goodbye.

A frown formed on his face at your words. When your eyes spotted the clock beside him, you noticed how much time you were wasting watching him so you quickly moved forward, passing over him without receiving so much as a glance, which gave you the all-clear.

You headed straight to the room where you knew they were. The only problem was that you had reached an obstacle. Like, a literal obstacle. There was a wall right where the energy was strongest.

A secret room? No wonder Sebastian missed this. He seems to be missing a lot of things lately.

You passed through it with ease and as soon as you made it to the other side, you moved straight up to the ceiling and began to observe the three figures in the room.

"What a nuisance. I can't believe we had to go through all that trouble for a silly little sacrifice."

Sacrifice?

Alois let out a sigh of annoyance as he threw his coat over Claude's head.

"Is this really the only thing we can use for a distraction? Can't we just get a bunch of guns or something? I mean, you're a demon. Claude, are you seriously telling me you can't do any better than this?"

Claude slowly removed the coat from his face and folded it neatly.

"That wouldn't be practical, master. His servants are fairly good and would be able to easily overcome an obstacle such as that. If you truly want to frustrate Ciel Phantomhive along with his servants, you must get creative."

He tsked at the idea. “Creative? It sounds like too much work. Anyways, are you sure this is all we need to start, Claude?”

Their heads suddenly turned as someone entered the room. You felt the atmosphere change as you stared at him, completely thrown off by the fact he was even here.

“Why of course it is, child. If you have the items I requested then this should go along smoothly now.”

Alois’s face scrunched up. “Really? And how do I know I can trust you? The last thing I made a deal with ended up betraying me. That damned demon just used my resources to get her master back. Plus she’s far too powerful and this better be enough to stop her.”

He played with the rim of his bowler hat as he chuckled at the impatience of the young boy. “Oh my, you actually made a deal with Y/N? Ha! What an incredibly foolish idea…”

One he caught sight of Claude’s narrowed gaze, his laughter ceased. “But to answer your question, yes, this should do nicely. I can guarantee you that this device is no match for any demon.”

Clapping his hands together, Alois grinned with glee. “Perfect! This should go just as I planned then. We shouldn’t waste any more time.”

He glanced over at Claude, who had checked his pocket watch. Once he saw the time, he closed it up and tucked it back into his pocket.

“Master. It’s almost time. You should get changed into your costume now.”

You snapped out of the gaze you had been keeping on them as Claude’s words rang in your head.

“Costume…”

Both the man in the bowler hat and Claude looked up at the moment they heard the sound of your voice.

Your lips slammed shut as you realized you had said it out loud.

Y/N, you idiot! Why would you say that?

Your form began to slowly move toward the door where you had emerged from, even as Alois finally turned his attention to the prisoner sitting on the floor. Their head was still covered, only now they had a cloak around them and their hands tied around their back as well.

“I suppose. But before that, I’m curious to see the tramp that got to lay with Michaelis.”

Just as your form was beginning to pass through the wall, you stopped. A familiar shiver ran down your spine as the scent of the prisoner’s soul had suddenly begun to grow not only stronger, but the familiarity of it also become overwhelming. Your eyes moved over to the figure as Alois moved to remove the head covering.

No. That can’t be possible.

Her eyes rapidly blinked as she took in her surroundings. The brightness of the light within the room took a second to adjust to after being in the bag for so long. Once she noticed the boy standing in front of her, she furrowed her brows, but when she went to speak, she made the discovery that she had been gagged.

Growing annoyed with her as she tried to speak, he finally removed the gag and tossed in Claude’s direction. Her gaze went over to him as a blush formed on her cheeks. The features of the man were too much for her to bear as if they reminded her of a certain butler.

Alois smirked as he looked her over. “So...you’re the holy whore then?”

She shook her head in dismay. “The what? I’m sorry sir, but why am I here? I don’t understand what anyone would have in a homeless person like me.”

Rolling his eyes, he turned away from her and looked to Claude. “I’m already bored with her. Just take her to the room the device is in until it’s time, got it?”

He then picked up the gag and placed it in her mouth again, a smile coming onto his face as she stared at him with confused eyes.

“Let’s get this party started.”

●●●

As he exited, you felt yourself snap out of the room and back into the hallway where you had first transformed yourself to sneak around. Placing a hand on the wall, your teeth clenched as you rubbed your stomach, feeling the hunger set in from being that close to her again.

Why did it have to be that damn nun again?

“Ah! There you are, love.”

You closed your eyes before turning your head towards the voice. Lau stood by the door that lead to the room filled with guests, having Ran Mao, and surprisingly, Ayani by his side.

You raised an eyebrow at Ayani who shamefully looked away as Lau smiled. “I hope you had fun sneaking off on your own. But now, it’s time to get you dressed up.”

You suddenly heard footsteps running from behind you until you were then hit with a sudden force that nearly knocked you off your feet.

You glanced down to see arms had been wrapped around your waist. When you glanced behind you, you saw the innocent triumph on Finny’s face.

“Sorry Y/N, but you’re not getting away this time!”

Your eyes formed a menacing glare that you aimed at Lau, who only smiled wider.

“Now. Shall we get started?”

#black butler #black butler fanfic #sebastian michaelis x reader

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sweetestt-devottionn · 5 years

Text

Hug Me

AN: This was inspired by a fic that i read before hope u enjoy it! sorry for any grammar mistakes english isn’t my first language, i’m open to criticism tho:)

==========

It seems like yesterday I was happy with nothing. Today, I make a wish to the moon. I told her if I can see you once again, I'll do one last dance with you to this song.

To remember you forever,

Just one last dance...

==========

Have you ever heard the word 'breathless'?

It has different meaning of its own if you put it in different use. One could describe the meaning of extreme surprise where you just froze in your spot, mouth hung agape as you look at the most precious thing in you possession in awe.

It truly was a wonderful description to appreciate such blessings.

Yet, in another meaning, one that you make sense of literally, has such a different effect, with a stark contrast between light and darkness, akin of a nightmare in the middle of a day dream.

==========

Breathless

[breth-lis]

1. without breath or breathing with difficulty; gasping; panting:

2. dead; lifeless.

==========

Everything happened so fast. One moment she was just standing there in her comfy clothes, casually washing the dishes then the next moment. She saw her lying on the floor as the plate she was holding dropped and shattered against the hard wood floor. It might be just at the spur of the moment, where she exists and everything fell apart. She was rooted to the spot, head staying on the same spot her love used to stand just moments ago. Slowly, but surely everything came rushing back, like a river current overcoming any hindrance. Her hands were shaking when she finally got control of her body.

"LISA!" She screamed then, heart gripped with the panic brewing inside her at seeing her lover so frail, surrounded with the broken glass scattered around her body. She was shaken with pity that at such a tragic misery her love was still attention's sweet centre. Painted was the tragically beautiful story of their journey, started with her world brushed with dark muddy colours.

“oh mygod ohmygod,”

Jisoo swore she never ran so fast in her life.

In the blink of an eye, she was holding her lover's head on her lap as her fingers fumbled with her phone, the trembling digits struggling to call 9-1-1.

"I need your help please... She fainted....I-" That was the last thing Lisa heard as the black spots on her vision finally swallowed her whole. When the last sigh left her lips, her body became slack.

And that,

was the night everything changed.

==========

The trip to the hospital was not one on her favourite list of trips but, at seeing her lover sudden decline of health, she wondered just how long it would take for the ambulance to reach the hospital. She sighed over and over again as she held Lisa’s hand close and kissed each of her knuckles.

She choked back a sob as her eyes welled with tears and the state Lisa was in. Oxygen mask covered her face, and somehow in the span of minutes she had only just noticed how pale and gaunt her love actually is, a drastic difference to her usually fair and healthy body. She cursed herself, hating the fact that she had failed to see the symptoms that might have had explained the ongoing situation.

“I’m sorry baby, I should have looked after you better and stayed home more, fuck I’m- I’m fucking sorry I shouldn’t have I-,” Her speech was cut off due to the sob threatening to burst out.

“pl-please just wake u-up please…”

It may seem unusual for those close to her but,

She prayed that night.

To whatever gods there are out there, she just hoped they’d listened.

When the sound of cars honking filled her hearing and the pounding of her heart reverberated throughout her body, she closed her lids tightly. Lips mouthing an inaudible prayer as tears welled in her eyes. She held her lover's hand a little tighter, yet somehow, she still refused to cry.

‘Me and my pride’ she muses.

She refrained herself to believe anything but her lover being okay again.

She had to be okay..

She just had to...

==========

The short trip to the hospital turned out to be a long one. The seconds and the minutes turned into hours as she waited outside the ER. She paced back and forth for she knew that there was something wrong, though she refused to believe it. Realising she might have to tell Chaeyoung, she steeled herself against the obvious thunderstorm and pressed call.

It doesn’t take long for the said best friend/ sister to pick up, and for some reason she felt guilty, like it was somehow her fault when the first hello filtered through the phone.

“Jisoo unnie? Are you there?”

“Umm… Chaeng, I-I’m so fucking sorry, I don’t know what just happened I-“

“Unnie? Please calm down, what happened? Is Lisa okay?”

“She-“

“She’s just been admitted to the hospital, Chaeyoung-ah…”

“WHAT?! JENNIE WE NEED TO GO NOW!”

“Chaeng- I..” She tried to say when the phone beeps, indicating the end of the call.

They came 15 minutes after she hang up their call, appearance so dishevelled some might think they’re some kind of a hobo.

“Is she okay?” Jennie asked as Chaeyoung was currently feeling too wrecked to even function.

“I- I don’t know , Jen.. One minute she was standing and the next she was suddenly on the floor unconscious.” She explained as her hands swung wildly in her manic.

Jennie said nothing but pulled Jisoo into a tight hug in which she immediately melt into, followed by Chaeyoung as the three of them relied on each other for the comfort they badly needed at the moment.

Their million questions were finally answered another hour later. In midst of her mini panic, the doctor handling Lisa's case came out of the room and approached her jittery self.

"I'm sorry...”

That was all Jisoo needed to hear to know that, she was not okay, her lover never was. She knew, Lisa knew that she didn't have much time left and yet, she still smiled and act that bubbly personality of hers. Always unyielding, always without flaw, not even once.

A gasp was heard, yet she couldn’t care less.

Jisoo pondered, just when did Lisa became such a good liar?

"I hate you so much..." She sobbed as her back slid against the white hospital wall. Its horror and constant dullness that painted her peripheral stayed unflinching. Leaving her, to fend for herself after the heart wrenching news that might just destroyed every good thing she had left in her life.

‘such a tragic life of a dreamer’’Such a pity’

I wonder Lisa,

I do wonder...

==========

Jisoo spent a restless night back at home. She laid on her side of the bed and took in the unusual coldness of her own personal sanctuary. Her stare resided on the empty right side of her bed. The golden sparks in her eyes had faded hours ago, only the remnants of it stayed. It had turned tedious brown in its departure.

She breathed deep, trying to remember her scent. Truth to be told, it had been hard for her to leave her love alone on the hospital bed, but she was not one to defy doctor's order. Though she really gave the nurses a run for their money when they need to forcefully dragged her away from her lover's limp body.

She decided then, she should have fought against their grasps harder, for Lisa was worth every struggle.

Every. Single. One.

==========

Days passed in a blur after the news. It was broadcasted on their social media accounts that they will be taking a long hiatus with the reasons unknown. It sure did cause an uproar in their fandom with their seemingly abrupt disappearance but in the end they couldn’t do anything but to accept their idols’ decision.

Realising the ticking time that was eating away her love’s life, Jisoo brought her everywhere her heart wished for. Her heart clenched every time she saw Lisa's face light up when she brought her to places she had never been before, knowing any moment now could be her last.

She smiled bitterly at that. Her time was limited and she was fucking desperate for any kind of miracle. She prayed every night, for something, anything, to happen.

Because she would give it all just for her to be okay again. That way, they would be able to do the future they had planned out together. In their future, they would be living in a 2 storey mansion with Dalgomie, Leo, Luca and 4 kids running around the house. They would grow old together, wasting their time watching the sunset every evening with a warm cup of tea.

Fate always said otherwise, because the one time she actually found someone who loved her for her. They took her away from Jisoo.

Even sometimes, love was not enough...

==========

It was another cold evening on the midst of December. The couple was snuggling on the couch just enjoying each other's warmth. Jennie and Chaeyoung were out, buying food for their dinner. No words were spoken, though the comfortable silence of the empty dorm was broken when Lisa called out to Jisoo.

"Jisoo?" Lisa asked quietly, head laying slack against Jisoo's chest.

"Hmm?" She responded, hand moving to stroke Lisa's hair gently.

"Can we sing right now?"

Her hand stilled from her movement as she looked down at her. Usually, Jisoo would have laughed at the random request but the look on Lisa's face, left her stunned. Absentmindedly, Jisoo started to sing one of her favourite song, Long Live.

It really was ironic.

"I said remember this moment

In the back of my mind...” She started, voice wavering a bit.

She was shaken out of her reverie when Lisa suddenly sat up and started pulling at her hands, urging her to stand with her.

“The time we stood with our shaking hands

The crowds in stands went wild

We were the kings and the queens

And they read off our names

The night you danced like you knew our lives

Would never be the same ..."

At this point, they were both dancing around in their apartment, not caring about what would happen in the future. Live in the now they said.

“You held your head like a hero...”

Lisa sang, voice sounding off key but none of them care anyways. She crossed her arms and posed as superman pretending to be showing her ‘spectacular biceps’ that had become bony and last muscular over the past few months. She nodded her head at Jisoo cueing at her to sing the next lines.

"On a history book page

It was the end of a decade

But the start of an age..."

Jisoo stayed quiet and instead, she only looked at her funnily. Lisa had no choice but to continue singing with a grumpy voice.

"Come on CHICHU!! I SAID ONE, TWO, THREE... SING WITH ME!!" She held out her hand between them as if to share the microphone for the both of them.

"Long live the walls we crashed through

All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

I was screaming, "Long live all the magic we made"

And bring on all the pretenders

One day we will be remembered...”

This time Jisoo did join the fun, screaming with her lover as they belted out the lyrics. They might just sound like dying whale and the neighbours would surely filled out a noise complaint but seriously, they could careless right now. No headlines, no media, no worries. Just Jisoo and Lisa singing off key in their penthouse apartment.

"I said remember this feeling

I passed the pictures around

Of all the years that we stood there on the sidelines

Wishing for right now..."

Lisa continued as she looked at Jisoo and pulled on a funny face, successfully bringing a long overdue smile on her girlfriend's face.

"We are the kings and the queens

You traded your baseball cap for a crown..."

Jisoo gestured to Lisa's head as if to put on an imaginary crown on her. Lisa smiled at the gesture and did an over exaggerated curtsy before standing up straight to urged Jisoo to keep singing as she swayed from left to right, doing some weird dancing of her own.

"When they gave us our trophies

And we held them up for our town

And the cynics were outraged

Screaming, "This is absurd"

'Cause for a moment a band of thieves in ripped up jeans got to rule the world..."

Jisoo belted the lyrics as she knelt on the floor like a rock star. Lisa was having the time of her life as she rolled down on the floor laughing her ass off.

"Love live the wall we crashed through

All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

I was screaming, "Long live all the magic we made"

And bring on all the pretenders..." Jisoo sang loudly.

I'm not afraid," Lisa continued with a big grin on her face.

"Long live all the mountains we move

I had the time of my life

Fighting dragons with you

I was screaming, "Long live the look on your face"

And bring on all the pretenders

One day we will be remembered

Hold on to spinning around

Confetti falls to the ground

May these memories break our fall..."

Jisoo actually sang beautifully this time, giving it her all as she pour her heart for their impromptu Lichu-karaoke session. As she opened her mouth to sing the next stanza, Lisa had already beaten her to it.

"Will you take a moment,

promise me this...

That you'll stand by me forever

But if God forbid fate should step in,

And force us into a goodbye..."

Lisa sang the lines softly to Jisoo as she put her hand over her heart as tears welled in her eyes.

"If you have children someday

When they point to the pictures,

Please tell them my name..."

Her voice cracked as she sang it, knowing the reality of it all. Jisoo rushed to comfort her but one hand motion from Lisa and another plea of "I'm okay," left her with no choice but to continue the song.

"Tell them how the crowds went wild

Tell them how I hope they shine

Long live the walls we crashed through

I had the time of my life, with you...”

Jisoo presented Lisa with a teary smile as she pointed her fingers at her. She furiously wiped her tears away, and when she belted the next line, she was determined to end this in a good note.

All smiles no frowns.

"Long, long live the walls we crashed through

All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

And I was screaming, "long live all the magic we made"

And bring on all the pretenders

I'm not afraid..." She sang as she put on a brave face and a salute at Lisa, getting a smile out in return. Jisoo gave her a signal and they sang the last lines together.

"Singing long live all the mountains we moved

I had the time of my life

Fighting dragons with you

And long, long live the look on your face

And bring on all the pretenders

One day, we will be remembered..."

They finished the song quickly and enveloped each other in a tight embrace, tears still streaming down their faces.

"Long live us...” Jisoo whispered against her head.

"Long live you...” She added with a smile, before pressing a light kiss on Lisa’s forehead.

You will be remembered...

==========

Lisa did last longer than expected as she somehow managed to get past through her birthday and Jisoo's. Though another incident might have barraged their way at her.

On the morning after Jisoo's birthday, Lisa had stupidly fell off her bed. But that, was not the problem. It was the excruciating pain that followed after that. She swore she had never screamed so loud in her life.

Hearing her screams, Jisoo bolted upstairs towards their shared bedroom. Fingers fumbling with her phone ready to call 9-1-1.

This was giving her a sense of déjà vu. Added with the fact that in dire times like this, Jennie and Chaeng always seemed to be away at an important meeting with their management, leaving Jisoo alone to deal with a crying Lisa.

Seeing her Lisa laying helplessly on the floor, screaming her head off, Jisoo panic level accelerate to 100 real quick. She knelt down beside the whimpering girl and wafted her hand through her hair, while whispering sweet nothings to soothe her pain.

"You're gonna be okay, baby.."

You will,

You have to...

==========

"She fell the wrong way, Chaeyoung. I've said this to you a million times. Why won't you believe me?" Jisoo hissed at Chaeyoung as they walked down the hospital halls to Lisa's room. She was being prepped for immediate surgery because apparently her stupid fall could possibly cause paralysis. Stupid bed and stupid floor, she had said.

"Wow unnie , Okay I believe you, but seriously you need to chill. You're basically on fire right now.." Chaeyoung tread carefully, afraid to get Jisoo madder than she already was.

"You're dealing with this better than I ever was Chaeng. How are you okay with her dying?" She ranted, frustrated.

"I'm not, and I never will be okay with her dying, so don't even try to say that. But, do you know what makes me strong unnie? It was her wish. She personally told me that she wanted her last days to be full of smiles, not tears; not frowns. So I tried, I really tried my best every day to keep the smile on my face, to keep the happy thoughts on my head as if she wasn't dying. I had to respect her wish. I had to, unnie..." Chaeyoung confessed as she blinked rapidly to avoid the tears from falling, knowing Lisa would caught up with her act once she saw a faint tear marks on her face.

"I'm sorry Chaeyoung-ah, I-I didn't know,"

"It's okay unnie, please just trust me on this. You need to respect her wish too okay?"

"All smiles?"

"All smiles."

==========

It had not been great.

Lisa was paralysed from the waist down. But she had not reacted poorly. She had taken a moment of silence after the news, both her lover and best friends looking at her expectantly, gauging her reaction. What happened next was not expected by the both of them.

With a defeated sigh, Lisa had looked back up towards the doctor and asked a simple question.

"Can I go back home now?"

The meaning behind her words were clear, she didn't want to talk about it and it was to be expected. Yet, that split moment when she looked at Jisoo at the word 'home', really messed with Chaeyoung's emotion. She had lived, knowing that her best friend and sister had found her home. A place for her to belong, yet, it was wretched from her grasp just after she found it.

Home…

Lost.

==========

Today was the day the two brotp? finally get to hang out. Though, Jennie realised she should have done this sooner. She had immediately became fast friends with Lisa after their first meeting with each other during their trainee days. She had said, the only reason they got along so well was because their ‘stupid aegyo tendencies and annoyingly cute gummy smiles ’ cheers to Jennie for that. She knew her gummy smiles are valuable winning weapon. So to speak, with their fast growing friendship and what not, this news had truly affected Jennie deeply.

They were strolling around the central park, not a lot of people were in sight which was a plus to the both of them.

"Jennie, if you didn't stop thinking, smoke might came out of your head any time now," Lisa suddenly said, causing her to pause in her movement.

"Shut it Manoban, or do I have to hit you to do so?" Jennie clapped back at her best friend who now appeared offended. She put a dramatic hand over her chest and said.

"Really? You'll hit a cripple? WHERE ARE YOUR MORALS?"

"Where yours are?" Jennie sassed.

"Shit, let me call Satan. He has them. Along with my list of fucks I do not give."

"Oh please, SOMEONE PLEASE GET THIS GIRL SHE'S ANNOYING ME," Jennie was all but shout.

"Watch it Nini or I'll tell Chaengie about your behaviour."

"You are such a tattle-teller, you b*tch. You disgust me," Jennie said in her best Kim-Kardashian-accent as she flipped her hair to get her point across.

"My energy should not be wasted talking to you, move along please I need to get my ice cream," Lisa commanded from her wheelchair bossily.

"You're lucky you're cute or else I would've left you somewhere," Jennie complained as she grudgingly started to push the wheelchair to the ice cream shop.

==========

Miracles do happen, sadly it didn't always last.

==========

Lisa knew her time was coming, knowing she had outlived the doctor's predictions; this was bound to happen anytime soon. It was a little after the New Year. She was being woken up, with severe chest pains. She screamed which immediately woke Jisoo up.

"Lisa baby, what's wrong?" She asked soothingly, trying to keep the panic from her voice.

Jisoo didn't get an answer from Lisa except for her occasional whimpers which caused her to curl further into herself, hoping to make the pain stop.

She knew her time was coming,

But she sure as heck was not ready for it.

==========

Lisa was hooked to a ventilator that night, her lungs had failed her and she didn't expect any less. Seeing her lover so fragile against the hospital bed, Jisoo made a beeline to the chair beside the bed and held her sleeping hand tightly.

She leaned her head closer to the bed and rests it at the edge of the pillow. It might have been an uncomfortable position but she wanted to, she need, to remember her.

I don't want to forget...

Right before she continued her restless slumber, Jisoo hummed sotto voce. She sang a song very dear to her as a prayer, and God, she did hope Lisa would listen close in her slumber.

“Please stay by my side,

Please stay with me..

Please don't let go of me, the one who's holding your hand...

I love you,

I love you...

In the long silence, a sound comes, screaming

From my foolish and weak heart..."

==========

The goodbye was the hardest.

==========

Lisa was looking at Jisoo as best as she could through her half lidded eyes. She could she the hudled figures of her best friends standing on the other side of her hospital bed. God, she was so tired, and she had long accepted her fate. She stared at Jisoo with any adoration she could muster and smiled weakly.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She suddenly said, breaking Jisoo out of her trance.

"I want to remember you."

"Don't do this to yourself baby, please"

"I- I can't Lice, please I can't forget you. I don't want you to go. I LOVE YOU! Why is that not enough?" She sobbed as she desperately cling to her hospital gown to discard any possible distance between the two of them.

"It doesn't matter if I'm not physically beside you, unnie. Please don't cry, love, I'll look after you from the sky. You won't forget me because I'm here with you. I stayed in your heart. I'll visit you in your dreams, there you can relinquish all your joys and sorrows to me. You'll remember me, just like the way my heart will call out to you in the after life..."

"I love you, Lice. I'd give it all just for one more day with you..."

"Don't dwell- on your sadness please, all smiles, okay?" Lisa had to stop in between words to catch her breath as her lungs started failing on her.

“Unnie, if it is time for me to go, can you take care of Jisoo unnie for me?”

Lisa never said it to anyone in particular neither Jennie or Chaeyoung, but the message was clear. They responded with a tight squeeze on her arm and a teary smile.

Their last moments together were spent with Jisoo brushing the remnants of Lisa hazel brown hair, as they enjoyed the silence that sang lullabies for those in passing. It wasn’t long when the silence was broken by none other than Lisa.

"Can I get one last kiss before I go to sleep, Chu?"

“Anything for you love,” Jisoo smiled a bittersweet smile through her red eyes and puffy cheeks before leaning in as they lips met in passion.

So desperately, trying to make it a kiss, one could remember forever.

"Sing for me please, Chichu…" Lisa whispered her last wish. She moved her body a little bit as she sagged against the hospital bed, eyes fluttering close.

"Hallelujah,

You were an angel in the shape of my love

When I fell down you'll be there holding me up

Spread your wings as you go...

And when God takes you back,

He'll say, "Hallelujah, you're home."

Jisoo wait until her breathing became no more, before she stopped. With one last cold kiss to the lips, Jisoo muttered her prayer against her skin.

"In peace may you leave the shore;

In love may you find the next.

Safe passage on your travel," Jisoo finished and wipe her tears away. She leaned her face closer to Lisa's and mumbled against her lips.

"May we meet again, Lisa..."

==========

It was nothing special, another day, another time, another dawn. They recalled that time when a young Lisa Manoban swore that when she died she would do it in such honour, with lots of people crying for her.

They had laughed it off then, saying that she wasn’t even close to a hero or a president. It was a stupid dream to begin with.

Lalisa Manoban didn’t die in such great honour, she didn’t die with the sound of trumpet and manmade tears marring people’s face as they pretend to show empathy to the fallen grace.

She died, on a normal Wednesday afternoon, with 3 of the brightest stars in her life, and I guessed for her,

It was more than enough.

==========

"One last kiss to a cold lips, to seal the prayer."

==========

#creative writing #blackpink #lisa manoban #jennie kim #kim jisoo #park chaeyoung #blackpink fanfic #lisoo #jenlisa #chaelisa #have a good day #hug me #kim taehyung #jhope #you are loved #blackpink lisa

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blondrichclosetwitch · 2 years

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i’m just trying to entertain people, make a living and pay my rent, without having to get a job I hate and hopefully find an audience who love and except me and not think I’m a narcissist for wanting to be a performer/writer and find true inner peace and that’s it.

“ and I made an excuse, and you found another way to tell the truth.”

“ don’t wanna be on top of your list.”

“We overcome in 60 seconds with the strength we have together.”

“ and then you wait for the next Kuwait.”

“Won’t lie.”

“ and when I fell hard, you took a step back.”

“ I knew you were trouble when you walked in. Flew me to places I’ve never been. Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground.”

“ pretends he doesn’t know that he’s the reason why you’re drowning.”

“This song is called gravity of the situation. And Um We wrote it ..where did we write it rob? Somewhere we wrote it somewhere I can’t remember where, about three weeks ago.”

“ are you through pretending?”

“ your mind’s playing tricks now.”

“ I feel it, it’s leaving me.”

“ would it have killed you to call me pretty? I’m in a second story window and you’re yelling at me, “Stella!” And I’m laughing because you think you’re Brando but you’ll never come close.”

” all I need for you to admit is that you never knew me like you thought you did.”

“ i’ll be lucky if I’m your third wife. “

“That’s only something you would say in the car.”

“Drove crazed, grooming my lies. Calmly crashing, I pace and I figure it out again.”

“My airs of madness do declare that it’s what you wanted to see”.

“I’m unaware, lost inside your visions. “

“Saw you walking in the street today.”

“ can’t we both disappear?”

“Deceit I’m not prepared to know.”

“ I wasn’t supposed to make it past 25.”

“You’ve been treating me like I’m invisible. Now I’m visible to you. “

“God, I have humbled myself before the court. Understand I’m standin under oath. And I promised I wouldn’t fall anymore.”

“A ghosteen dances in my hand.”

“ you’re sitting on the edge of the bed, smoking and shaking your head.”

“ Auntie shut down again.”

“(F-A-M-O-U-S) but don’t be late

And everybody and they mama got a sex tape.”

“There are no knives for cutting your throat. “

“each angry finger demands I mend what another will break tomorrow.”

“The breaking crowns are new that jack wore. Your third eye moves among us. I am queen of all my sins forgotten. “

“Am I still lost?”

“Never a choice.”

“ could you tell what I was thinking?”

“ you drop a hint that you got a girlfriend. I tried my best not to take it. You say nobody understands you like I do.”

Am I supposed to tell the billy story now? No?

“I remember the things you said.” And suddenly flashes to my mind a concert at NIU in DeKalb, and wasting time in an art gallery staring at a painting of constellations with the “all these constellations are yours. They exist in you. Outside of you, they have no reality.”

“ I know it’s been along time since you…”

“ make me a deal.”

“ got to keep what I have, preserve.”

“ if he weren’t dead he would tell you the truth.”

“ easy money in the bank.”

“ i’ll be the one to hold the gun.”

“ my schemes are just like all my dreams.”

“ could have sworn it was judgment day. There were people trying to run from the distraction. Do you know I didn’t even care.”

“ so sue me if I go too fast.”

“ everybody’s got a bomb. We could all die any day. Can’t run from the revelation.”

“ mommy, why does everybody have a bomb?”

“ I may think of you a lot more than this girl is willing to admit.”

“ you look happy just the way you are.”

And then the width of a circle started playing. The day before, as aforementioned, I was hit hard and couldn’t even leave my bed til 11:30. Shaky ground. When I finally turned on the music, the width of a circle started to play, and I laughed as lightly as I could because my head was pounding. That song only plays when I am under psychic attack. The same thing happened last night, except of being woken by pain at 5 am, it was 2:30. So to have it be the song at 11:11 wasn’t really surprising, tho I think it’s the first time.

“Tonight it all goes wrong. Drop a bomb in my favorite song. “

“I borrowed everything. I owe it all. “

“It’s not love.”

“Nothing is forever. Been burned by the light. Shedding this old skin. Fake flowers of romance. What’s on the other side of the door? Nothing is forever but if you close your eyes and trust in love, I’ll see you in heaven. Never gonna see you again. “

“Let me be who I’m meant to be.”

“We could get high on something trippy.”

“Let me love you like a woman.”

“The truth to you we’ll tell.”

“But it would not make me tremble to see 10,000 fall.”

“Among the dead And wounded her darling boy she found.”

“Your name we’d like to know.”

“Jakkie’s gone a-sailing with trouble on his mind.”

“Let me remind you this was what you wanted. You ended it. You were all I wanted, but not like this.”

“Passionate bright young things takes him away to war. “

“Who will love a lad insane?”

“I’d do anything for you, I’d stand out in the rain.”

“I know it hurts you, but I need to tell you something. “

“I saw a light shining on a car and a couple inside. And I packed my things after I saw the light. The light gave me life, and helped me see clearly. And i saw a light getting smaller in the distance. And I said goodbye.”

“And it’s enough just to make me go crazy.”

“I am whole.”

“ these bitches mad mad they wanna hurt me.”

“ I’m speeding past trees, leaving little lines in the ice. Cutting out little lines.”

“It’s me. Somebody help them.”

“ just pills for the pain.”

“ my friend you’ve been wasted and you will be again. Because she broke you.”

“The ground is gonna open up and swallow the evil.”

“ that’s crazy man. In my opinion, only hope that we kind of have left it’s music and vibrations, lotta people don’t understand how important it is. Sometimes I’d be like, get behind Mike and I don’t know what types of energy I’m a push out, or where it comes from. Chip me out sometimes.

“Because the spirits, we ain’t even really rappin’ , we just letting our dead Homies tell stories for us.”

“ I think he’s just, I think he’s just going through something.”

Consider yourself lucky tonight, Mags.

“ but my baby’s coming home now, on the 530 train.”

“ but lo and behold your hungry boy is rapping at your door. But don’t let him in, no don’t let him in. He’s not your boy anymore.”

“ I lost my bestest brother to a glitch upon his brain and the way I have another it really ain’t the same.”

“ but there were strangers watching and whispers turned to talking and talking turned to screams.”

“ and in the end, we both went mad.”

“ Sunset disco, this is for you.”

“ it may sound funny but I come to get my money back and everybody say Jack don’t you know?”

“ some say this woman was crazy, others say this woman was possessed.”

“ don’t make the same mistake that I made long ago. If you find someone you really love, dammit, let them go. Because the hardest part of a broken heart is helping it heal slow. If you are alone that’s long into a winding road.”

“ you’re on your own now. We won’t save you.”

“ I won’t sympathize anymore.”

“ it’s all downhill from here.”

“ if you could die and come back to life.”

“ Every time I think we’re solid you change the game.”

“ didn’t you hear the sirens?”

“ so I’m back to the velvet underground. Back to the gypsy that I was. She is dancing away from you now.”

“ Trade some peace for lust.”

“ you come in looking like you never ever done one wrong thing.”

Lonesome cowboy Bill is Jack’s song.

“ what defeats people is a double confession. One time they will confess one thing and the next they will confess something else.”

“ well what can I say she’s my best friend in every way.”

“ there’s a storm on the horizon. “

“ we’ve been through this such a long long time just trying to kill the pain.”

“ can’t remember anything at all.”

“Well here comes Lucifer.”

(Songs: moon palace 1133, let me love you like a woman 1133, jack-a-roe 1137, all you had to do was stay 1144, Aladdin sane 1145, the sweetest taboo 1155, cry 1156, I saw a light 1200, love 1212, oh yeah 1212, girls in the hood 1219, under ice 1220, she broke you so softly 1223, mortal Man 1234, online love 1240, Maggie M’Gill 1247, bright horses 1254, cowards song 159, wonderland 202, steps twice 206, you don’t mess around with 213, dear MickeLangelo 215, don’t make 222, Army of me to 23, pink and white 227, when the music‘s over 234, the game 243, gypsy 250, sick 420, SWLABR435, Lonesome cowboy bill/say 442, katelyn 444, ice cream van 456, November rain 500, and Higgs boson blues 511.)

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