#came back to make a tdov post

[sleevesareforlosers]

i love the sound of my own voice and its tdov so im gonna put a bunch of pictures from my top surgery healing process under the cut and talk abt them

(warnings for blood, bruising, medical/surgery talk, and like. pictures of me shirtless)

[Image ID. A white person photographed from the side. They are lying on their back, with a light blue button shirt down that is open, revealing open bandages and compression wraps. There is a bandage taped down to their chest over their nipple and a clear drain tube coming out of a small incision over their ribs. End ID.]

this is from abt 24 hours after my surgery. i woke up and my chest was super swollen and hot and there was nothing coming out of my right side drain (bad sign) so we went to two different emergency rooms because the first one didn’t know what to do. turns out i had developed a hematoma (basically a pocket of blood under the skin that can harden/clot) that wasn’t bad enough to need to be operated on but increased my chances for infection and scar tissue buildup

[Image ID. The same person on his back photographed from above. His shirt is open, showing bandages taped down over his nipples and drain tubes, which are coming from the sides of his ribcages. Large abdominal pads are placed under the drain tubes, which are filled with blood. His whole chest is bruised yellow, although more intense around his right nipple and the centre of his sternum. End ID.]

this is five days postop. nothing special except i was having MAD issues with the painkillers i was on making me nauseous so i couldn’t eat for the first three days after surgery which SUCKED. thats not related to the image obv but this is my post and I get to decide what i talk about

[Image ID. A mirror selfie cropped to show only the persons torso. The taped-down bandages over the nipples have been removed, as well as the drain tube on the left side. Sterile strips are placed in a V shape along the bottoms of both nipples. There is still a drain tube and associated bandages coming from the right side. The bruising is much fainter, though still dark along the underside of the right side of the chest. End ID.]

eight days postop! I got the bandages removed and one of the drains but we left the one on the right because of the hematoma which at this point my surgeon decided to just wait for it to resolve itself (liquefy and drain out or be absorbed). should definitely be noted that i wasn’t allowed to shower until three days after my last drain came out and i was Disgusting at this point but i WAS finally allowed to sleep on my side (left side, the one w/o the drain) which i hadn’t been able to do until then.

[Image ID. A close photo of the right side of the person’s chest. The V shapes sterile strips are still in place, as is the drain tube and bandage. There is substantial yellow bruising underneath the nipple that is dark red in places, as well as a smaller brownish bruise right underneath the armpit. End ID.]

eleven days postop! this picture was taken because the bruising got way worse over the course of a few hours and started swelling again so i went back to the ER. again, the hematoma was not bad enough to operate on but i was prescribed antibiotics bc the surgeon on call was worried about infection. as best as i can figure that little bruise near my armpit was where the end of the drain was and it got bruised because of my arm pressing against it while i slept on my side

[Image ID. Another photo of the person’s chest. Bandaging is the same as the previous photo, though some of the bruising has gone down on the right side and a new dark bruise appeared over the center of his sternum. End ID.]

two weeks postop! Things were tbh very normal at this point apart from the bruising and the drain and the limited mobility. We have no idea what caused the bruise in the center of my chest lmao. I had also figured out how to (very carefully) shower at this point which tbh did WONDERS for my mood and my bearability-to-be-around

[Image ID. The same view of the chest as the last photo, the only difference is that the right side bruising is more faded and the center bruise is much darker. End ID.]

17 days postop! I remember that at this point i was getting So annoyed with the drain and also the hematoma would just randomly start hurting which uh. sucked lmao

[Image ID. A closeup photo of the side of the person’s ribcage. A very small and fresh scar is visible, which somewhat resembles a sideways smiley face with a curved line and two small dots. End ID.]

this is three weeks postop! This is where my drain went in, and the two dots are where the stitch held the tube in place. Dissolving stitches apparently do not dissolve like they’re supposed to for me and my mom FREAKED out when i made her pull the rest of the stitch out bc it was longer than she expected. Because I got keyhole surgery and not double incision, these little scars are my only visible ones (and theyre so pleasantly visible when i wear big armhole tank tops)

After this i stopped taking too many photos because it was mostly just waiting for the drain to come out (which took about four weeks until my surgeon finally took it out and only then bc she claimed it ‘looked like it was a part of me’)

[Image ID. A mirror selfie of the same person, completely shirtless and fully healed. Their chest is flat, with only one small scar visible on the left side of their ribcage. End ID.]

This is from a few weeks ago! im basically 100 percent back to normal, but even a month and a half ago reaching for stuff too far away with my right arm hurt and sometimes if i pull at the skin weirdly i need to take a Moment. I also still have a bit of scar tissue left on my right side and sometimes the skin gets a bit darker, but im also only fourish months postop so i know itll go down more with time and massage and stuff.

anyway. 10/10 would recommend

#my face #dont r/b i think #medical #i do have like. more pictures but theyre me venting on my instagram story so im not putting them up lmao #god this was such a weird month i rmbr i had to participate in a discussion group for a history class literally two days postop #and i was just propped up in bed high as fuck trying to talk about imperial russia #drug ment #this also isnt my tdov post ill make one and maintag it later

[nothorses]

Heyy it's the anon from a few days ago who sent the ask about not feeling strong euphoria making coming out feel uncertain and difficult

I have an update: I managed to power through my anxiety and I came out as trans and bi in a TDOV post on Facebook!

It went super well-everyone was so lovely and supportive! It felt like letting out a breath that I didn't know I was holding. Like, I was absolutely buzzing for two days after. Names had never felt super important to me, but hearing my new name so often was unexpectedly amazing.

I'd spent so much time agonising over if I was sure I was trans, and even more worrying if things here in the UK were about to get Really Bad. Since coming out, I haven't questioned my gender /once/, and even the TERFs feel like smth I can help fight back.

It's like I was channeling how stressed I was about coming out into ways of thinking designed to keep me still. Like my brain was justifying being scared to tell people using other anxieties, and accepting my fear but deciding to do it anyway lifted those other worries a bit too.

Anyway thank you so much! Your answer to my ask really helped me get over that last bit of doubt. i just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated it and I hope ur having a lovely day (despite the elbow situation)

I'm so happy for you, that's amazing!! Coming out really felt like a weight off my shoulders for me, too; like I could finally begin my life for real. I hope you're feeling like you can move forward and live authentically.

I'm sorry I took so long to respond to this, but thank you for sharing it with me! And I'm really glad I could be helpful. You deserve to be happy and sure of yourself. 💙

#good asks #Anon #Ask

[infinnitethejackal]

concert stuff yeye

so as u may know i went to a fob concert on the 31st!!! i already posted a selfie which was also bc of tdov and my merch photos but i decided to share some Bonus Details(tm) w nyall now that i'm jus chillin at home again too. below cut!

- so to start out my journey i was running on literally no sleep cause id been up all night. and after arriving in london i only had abt 30 mins or smth in the hotel

- there was this super punk dude near me on one of the trains during said journey and i glanced at him, i'm p sure he glanced at me too, and idk it felt like a moment of solidarity. don't think he was going tho cause i got off before him

- went to the venue and it was absolute chaos. abt 17,000 ppl were attending

- before anything even started i had spent over £100 on merch lmao oops

- there were some rly long backing bands/opening acts or w/e u wanna call it but one of them did like a shoutout to lgbt+ ppl and everyone cheered which was nice!!! felt like there was a lotta love that night

- backings aside tho what ppl seemed to enjoy even more was the fact that during interludes of them, p!atd songs were played on the monitors (the new one say amen (saturday night) which was fitting for an actual saturday night, and death of a bachelor). everyone was ecstatic and singing along despite brendon urie not even being there it was fantastic

- then THE CONCERT ITSELF ok ok so. it was super lit, every part of it. first was this super suspenseful countdown til they came on stage and they played a real good mix of new mania tracks and more of the like “classic” popular songs from older albums too!! everyone was waving their hands and fist pumping and just rly vibing w the music including myself, i was literally never still

- we all had so much energy and i jammed the whole time until i was hot, sweaty, and my arms got sore lmao. one of the big highlights was them playing champion which is my favourite song on the mania album, and my close second favourite as well, stay frosty, both of which i went extra hard to. also a piano. ver of young and menace happened which was.... shid boi i die just absolutely lovely

- there were points where they got on these rising platforms and so they were just rockin out in the fucking air and all the other effects were SO GOOD too

- a less energetic but another rly nice moment was when a more chilled song was played and so everyone used the torches on their phones to light up the whole place and swayed them in time

- there were some v meaningful and nice lil speeches given at the start of some of the songs that added a lot more emotion into the experience

- they took a picture w the crowd !!!

- in another interlude footage was shown of the llamas making all these jokes about the show, then said llamas came out and shot t-shirts into the audience. for ppl who don't know what the llamas are that probably sounds really surreal

- so after my previously mentioned hot and sweaty self (not much helped by my leather) dragged myself outta there at the end i bought MORE merch taking my spendings up to like £150. i bought this really zesty flag and it was the last (of the real ones) like the merch sellers had to take the display one down to give me

- with my bag of merch and in post-concert daze from all the hype, went back to crash at the hotel. didn't sleep til like 1 or 2am, and woke again abt 8. lack of sleep is a theme. was gonna have pizza for breakfast but they didn't have any

- aaaand then just kinda took forever getting home! lots of waiting for travel in the cold!!! zesty !! i am not a creature built for cold weather !!!!!!!!!

#finn.txt #some of this looks weird on my laptop wth i hope its not for others

[petersaint]

It’s the fourth trans day of visibility that I’ve been able to make myself visible. For the fourth time, I look at everyone’s pictures and art and think, “I could do that. Take a few pictures, post something supportive.” It’s not like I’d be outing myself (for the most part). It’s not exactly a secret. But I still don’t correct people who assume I’m cis, or tell them, and I still get nervous when I’m out in public, and I still pray that in four, five, ten years, I’ll be somewhere where no one knows. I don’t want to be stealth. I am proud of every single one of my trans family. I am out, but I’m not very proud. 

So I can’t take pictures proclaiming my pride, I can’t tweet out something brave and steamy like TRANS AND KILLING IT or ONLY TRANS DOES IT LIKE THIS. However, I can tell you about Roman.

Roman is not my first character, but I call him that because he’s the first one that’s really stuck. He was originally created to let off a little steam; I could throw my life problems at him and shake them up a bit to fit his life, and work through things that way. Over the last three years (he was born into this world March 28th, 2015, the beginning of Easter break), I’ve severed as much of our ties as I can while keeping him as authentically human as possible, and there are some things about myself he needs because he is transgender. I remember not knowing what the hell I was doing when I first started writing him because what do I know about being trans, I wear khaki cargo pants and terrible plaid button downs and bind with a shitty $6 binder that I have to replace every two months. 

Somehow, he thrived, and after a week straight of pounding out 90k words about this man, so was I. With him came Lawrence Silverstein, whose only major change has been the spelling of his last name. He’s been a damn good character from the get-go.

But Roman? Roman has grown with me. Beside me, not inside me, I’ve been very careful about that. He used to be as hopeless and in desperate need of someone to pull him back up as I was, and I’m 90% sure it was through him that I relearned how to put my palms on the ground and do a damn push up. At the same time, now I have to learn how to actually stick my hand out when have to, because he learned how to do that around year two. When I got accepted into my first college, I put everything of the previous year (also known as The Cold Year because I’ve blacked the vast majority of it out for self preservation) behind me and taught Roman how to do the same thing. In my second college the next year, we realized at the same time it didn’t work. Some things can’t be forgotten, no matter how much Sharpie you scribble them with. But they can be made duller by better memories, and that second college was honestly a life changing experience. Sure, it ended abruptly, but I’ve also carefully crafted three years of Roman’s life, from the 28th of March 2015 to the 31st of March, 2018, I know what he’s doing on nearly every day in between and, not to sound obsessed, every day after. 

I know this character, this 23 year old barista from Greenpond, Louisiana, far better than I know myself at times. He likes coffee because it brings people together and lie likes to people watch. He likes horror movies. He loves his best friend. He really thought Stella loved him, even when he was running from her. I know he wasn’t proud in 2015, but he is in 2018, and 2019, and even in 2020. He still has his days, because he’s more human than I feel at times, but he loves far more of who he is than he did when a scrappy, khaki, 15 year old who had a lot of homework to avoid first wrote his name. 

So why can’t I? How can I understand the core concepts of what it means to accept yourself and build yourself from the basics and not only accept but love what you created, but not apply those same concepts to me?

I don’t know. Fear. Of what? Failure? Actually enjoying it? I might be used to good things lasting minutes. I’ve moved 17 times in 18 years. I know what temporary means. But being trans isn’t temporary. When I was laying in bed that one December and realized quite literally out of the blue holy fuck I’m a boy I knew for once in my life that some things are not temporary. 

Like Roman. He’s with me, whether I’ve written anything about him since February or not. When I read over old stories because I miss him. Even if I’m able to let him go one day.

I don’t have much pride for being trans, but I’m goddamn proud of Roman Ramirez, and everything we have built together, and everything we’ll do one day. So, happy TDOV to him, and maybe I’ll try again next year.

#tdov #oh you're corny? yuor'e fucking corny? #anyway I love my son more than myself and for now thats just gonna have to work