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warriorqueen1991 · 7 years

Text

Ain't No Grave

Characters: Dullahan Comic Negan

Warnings: Language and massive amounts of gore and violence :)

Notes: This is my second entry into @ladylorelitany Monster Mash writing challenge

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Once upon a fucking time, I fucking died.

Now I know what you’re thinking.

“Negan how the fuck are you gonna tell a fucking story if you’re fucking dead?”

Well kiddos when you’re a sonofabitch like me, you tend to think about death.

You tend to think about it A-Fucking-lot

But more often than fucking not my fucking brain takes a left turn, drifting to how my own death might pan out.

Now when you got a bullseye the size of the fucking Pentagon on your back, you kinda hope it’s gonna be fast.

Maybe painless if you’re lucky.

Cuz there’s a whole lot of fucking well deserved torture on my tab I’ll need to pay off at some fucking point at the fucking asshole bar.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m about as fucking lucky as a dick in a room full of fucking vaginas, but I’m smart enough to know my lucks gonna run out sooner or later.

And by later I mean two fucking days ago apparently.

Well, at least it was fucking fast right?

So fast I never fucking seen it coming actually.

One moment I was giving some fuck the business then BAM!!! fucking lights out Negan.

Fuckers.

So let’s go back a couple days to the fucking moment I realized I’d screwed the pooch.

So for the sake of my story were gonna change things up a bit.

We’re gonna fucking fade the fuck out to first person POV cuz it’s fucking better that way, don’t like it…fuck off!

☆☆☆☆

Cracking my eyes open with a groan I wince, jesus fucking christ on a unicycle my fucking head hurt. Rolling over I furrowed my brow, squinting in confusion.

Ok, Negan

Don’t freak the fuck out.

Laying next to me was a large body it’s wide shoulders wrapped in worn black leather. Lucille lay between us, her beautiful smooth surface split in half, her barbed wire dress strewn in loose loops around her broken body. I grit my teeth as memories began flooding back.

Rick the prick.

Goddamn Lucille.

Fucking skin suites.

The sound of knives slicing through the air.

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!!!!

Fucking Frowney-Mctwoknives! That fucking limp dick lurch motherfucker better be dead. Fuck! decapitated or not, the next time I see him he’s fucking fucked.

Fucking cut me down, Fine.

But fuck with my Lucille?

Hell, I’ll get fucking Rick to soccer ball me the fuck down his throat if i have to.

Rolling my eyes around I scan the large field, fucking dicks didn’t even have the stones to brain me so I wouldn’t tun.

Well fuck you too prick.

Fuck you.

Movement suddenly brought my attention back to my nearby corpse, I probably looked like a damn mini-golf attraction with my mouth hanging open like some two dollar whore.

But fuck me, my body was fucking moving.

Its fingers twitched fisting the grass as it pushed itself back onto its knees, black blood oozing lazily down the front of my now red stained shirt. My body jerked thrashing about as it convulsed.

I grimaced, jesus that’s fucking gross.

Pitching itself forward my newly animated arms twisted around the blood soaked grass.

Shit

OK this is fucking weird.

“Marco”

The sound of my gruff voice sent my body jerking in my direction, blood spurting out around its leather clad shoulders.

Fuck, I know fuckers who actually have ears that can’t hear that well.

Twitching slightly as it leans backward against its boots, my headless corpse slumps forward with a gross squelching noise before crawling its way toward my face. Grasping my jaws roughly in its gloved hands I curl my lip in annoyance “fuck, hey take it easy there fuck face” I growl as my body stumbles to its feet.

Cradling me in the crook of its arm, my body shuffles forward, it’s large torso bending forward to grab Lucille by her handle. I can’t help but frown at my girl’s broken body, her twisted wire the only thing keeping her together as he drags her behind us.

I’ve seen some weird shit in my day, but damn.

What the fuck was happening to me?

I mean…

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???

I mean, I guess I shouldn’t be fucking surprised. I always fucking knew I was too much of a fucking bastard to die.

The low rumble of moans snap me back to reality, chuckling I watch as the dead shuffle in around us. It sure as shit didn’t take fucking long for me to have my own fucking herd. I mean fuck, I knew I was a fucking charismatic fuck but damn even the dead couldn’t resist me.

Squinting in curiosity I watch as a roamer roughly shoves its way forward, it’s jaw slack as it’s guts dangle freely from its decaying flesh.

It sure was a pissy little thing.

I snort noticing its exposed breasts, well that explains a lot.

Chuckling at my own joke I waggle my eyebrows at her “so, you come here often baby?” I give the oblivious corpse a wink, flashing her one of my famous panty-dropping smiles. Its face turns at the sound of my voice snapping its jaws as it stumbles forward. With a vicious growl the female roamer suddenly trips over a large rock, her leg tearing apart at the knee as she collapses to the ground with a thud disappearing from sight.

Scoffing I roll my eyes, “fucking typical”.

*****************

Well it took a fucking month and a half but my body finally stumbles into what looks like an abandoned farm, dropping me unceremoniously to the hardwood floor.

“Fuck”

Blinking my eyes I notice the barn still holds the smell of animals, like the world is still fucking normal. looking around I watch as my body thrashes around in the back of the building. The sound of something growling followed by a loud crack can be heard before I see my other half returning to me. It’s large hands dragging out a long rusted-ass chain attached to the corpse of a burly, half eaten horse.

“Oh god please don’t tell me you want me to fucking eat that” I groan wrinkling my nose in disgust. Choosing now to fucking Ignore me, my corpse drags the carcass in front of my eyes dropping the rusted chain so that it thuds loudly next to my ear making me wince.

I furrow my brow in confusion as my body shuffles around before dropping to its knees next to the rotting animal, a swarm of flies dusting up around him.

Dear fucking god I hope he doesn’t fucking start eating it.

Wait a second…

I give an enthusiastic smile

Hey, he doesn’t have a fucking mouth and I don’t have a fucking stomach so he can’t eat and I can’t blow fucking chunks so…

Problem fucking solved

A loud gurgling noise wipes the stupid grin off my face faster than an elderly nudist. My body is hunched over the dead horse, it’s stomach tensing as it wretches a torrent of black sludge from its stump onto the animals open neck wound.

Now I really wish I could fucking throw up.

Giving one last heaving spray my body drags itself off the ground hobbling slightly as it grabs Lucille tossing her to the creature’s neck. My eyes widening even further as her barbed wire is sucked inside the wound, it’s bloody strands twisting the animals flesh closed. Several more strands dart out amongst it’s many wounds pulling flesh and bone back together.

A loud rumbling sound echoes around the barn as steam jets out the once very dead horse’s nostrils . It’s eyes darting around the room, emitting a fiery glow. With a low growl the creature fights to its feet shaking it’s blood caked mane.

It’s ink black flesh is torn in several areas exposing bone and it’s now throbbing innards. Lucille’s wire can be seen holding the flesh of several large wounds closed. Her barbs twisting around the creature’s nose and jaw keeping the exposed bone tightly together.

This was…

THIS WAS FUCKING COOL AS SHIT!

I couldn’t help but give my best super villain laugh as my body finally retrieved me off the floor grasping the unholy beasts chain leading it outside, it’s skeletal tail twitching behind it almost nonchalantly.

Holding his hand out I smile as more barbed wire spins forth from the creature’s jaw snaking out around itself to form makeshift reigns as my body swings us up on its back with ease.

Looking up at my body with a wide smile showcasing my blood stained teeth I drawl “think it’s time for a little fucking payback dont’cha think?” in response my bodies leather clad heels tap the creature’s sides. The beast roaring as steam bellows out its wired jaws as it rears up on two legs jumping forward at a full gallop racing off to Alexandria.

******************

The forest was like a grave as we clip clopped our asses between the trees, an eerie mist beginning to follow us adding just enough terror to the growing parade of dead fucks stumbling behind us to bring a smile to my face.

Trotting up a small hill we finally came upon prick-topia, fuuuuck this place looked like shit, I grimaced as I took in the sorry fucking state of things. The once shining butt plug that was The Alexandria Safe Zone was now Completely tarnished. The gates were pulled apart, practically hanging off their fucking hinges as hoards of the undead crawled and pushed their way inside.

Several gunshots echoed within the walls sending the sacks of shit behind me into a frenzy. “Hey, settle the fuck down back there” I growl. The silence that follows has me raising my eyebrows, holy shit that actually fucking worked?

My body urges our monstrosity of a horse forward, the roamers shuffling quietly behind us.

Searching the area the best I can without a fucking neck I narrow my eyes.

A roamer is stumbling towards us.

Alone?

With two herds clearly visible this fuck is standing out like a turd in a punch bowl.

“I see you” I sing out to the wandering dip shit, it’s body halting as it cocks its head in confusion.

I can’t help but laugh “yeah, surprise, sur-fucking-prise…I mean fucking really? Did you sorry shits really think I’d stay fucking dead?”

The dumb fuck stares at me like it wasn’t a fucking rhetorical question.

“Jesus fucking christ” I groan “alright shit heel, take me to your fucking leader before you really fucking piss me the fuck off….I mean you’d think fucking lopping my fucking head off in a fucking field of fucking corpses would of fucking pissed me off”. I raise my eyebrows in amusement “but fuuuuuccckkkk me I’m really not that fucking upset, ask me if I fucking know why but here we are…”

The stupid shit still just gawked at me like I had a fucking dick for a head.

“ok, I’m gonna count to fucking five, and if you don’t start fucking walking I’m gonna fucking rip your fucking spine out your fucking ass”.

Fucking nothing….really??

My bloodshot eyes glance behind the stupid fuck just as fucking Frowney-Mctwoknives himself lumbers to prick-topia’s gates.

Rage.

That’s all I fucking feel

I don’t notice the strands of fucking barbed wire spewing forth from my fucking corpse’s neck until there twisting their way into my blackened flesh.

Shit that fucking hurts

Baring my teeth as I’m lifted back to my rightful place on my fucking shoulders, the rusted wires pulling my flesh secure as black blood drools out the corners of my mouth.

Fuck

Reunited and it feels so fucking good.

I cough up more of that fucking black shit as dip shit jerry finally makes his move, his fingers grasping his knife as I surge forward.

I’m a man of my fucking word.

Leaning over my undead mount I grab his pencil neck, dragging his ass onto the saddle with me as I wrap the barbed wire reins around his throat. Fighting harder than a fucking salmon swimming upstream he lets out a bloodcurdling scream as I ram my fist up ass sending blood pouring down off my horse.

I’m laughing like a fucking maniac but the homoerotic jokes just won’t fucking stop, so with a deep chuckle I wrap my fingers around his spine wrenching it from his body in a wave of gore that would put a meat grinder to shame, as the force pulls his head free from his shoulders due to the fucking barbed wire.

His body falling to the ground in two halves.

Still holding his blood soaked spine I smile brightly as lurch finally notices my presence. Giving my mount a slight kick he pitches a fit rearing on his hind legs with a loud demonic noise.

“Come on ya stupid fuck, your dousing my fucking epicness in cold water here”.

Snorting it turned it’s head to look at me, Lucille’s handle sticking out of its mouth like a dog with damn bone. Pulling her broken shaft from its jaws I smirk as more wire twists from its broken end, slithering over my lap to intertwin with dipshit Jerry’s spinal cord. The silver strands pull the vertebrae apart connecting them with the wire in a long ass fucking whip.

Looking the badass weapon over I smile, the damn thing looks like it belongs in a fucking Clive Barker novel.

Yeah that’s right…I fucking read.

I’m not a dumbass.

Sliding from the horse from hell I stalk toward Frowney-mic-twoknives, I’m beyond fucking pissed at this point and all I wanna do is fucking tear him apart.

Fucking Beta lumbers at me like the fucking cocky ass douche canoe he is. But snapping my Barker whip back behind me I pull of my best Indiana Jones slash catwoman whip crack I could dish out. The loud snap making him stop before pulling out his fucking clearly compensatingly big knives from within his coat.

Spinning around I lash out, my whip snapping out around his body as he quickly blocks the vicious barbs from cutting his face with his knives. Spinning back around I wrap the bloody weapon around me slightly as I yank him to me, smashing my head into his thick fucking skull.

Chuckling as he’s knocked on his fucking ass I growl “come on you big lumber dick, show some fucking balls”. Spreading my arms wide I run my tongue over my bloody teeth.

God this fuck had me all kinds of fucking pissed.

Beta stumbles to his feet, rushing me as we collide like fucking linebackers. Somewhere in the fucking mix he rammed his fucking mini sword into my side.

Didn’t even feel the fucking thing.

Slamming my foot down on his boot I elbowed him in the stomach wrapping my whip around his neck, tossing him over my back before ramming my knee in his spine.

Pulling the wire taught.

Blood splattered up over his shoulders as I began sawing his fucking head off.

Unfortunately the fucking Hulk of the apocalypse had a little life left in him.

Throwing his bleeding head back he shoved me off tripping my leg so he could straddle me, his large fists slamming into my face.

Twisting my hand around the Barker whip I crashed it into his jaw sending him rolling off me.

Swinging with everything I had the bloody barbs and human vertebrae slashed across his face. Lifting my fingers to my lips I let out a harsh whistle, my lips pulling back in a wide smile as my demonic steed galloped to a halt behind his stumbling form.

Lifting my hands I laughed as barbed wire shot out from its wounds wrapping around him like some kind of fucking spider catching a damn bug.

Beta put up a big ass fucking fight of course by went still when I cracked my whip, demanding silence.

Leaning over to whisper in his ear, I grit my teeth “boy did you pick the wrong fucker to fuck with, shit stain”.

Raising my fist in the air I opened my palms with a wide grin as my body was covered in blood. My horse retracting the barbed wire, the strands moving against his skin like a buzz saw.

Laughing manically I swung my whip around so it slithered up around my torso. Stepping through the gooey human mulch that used to be Frowney-mic-twoknives I swung my body up on my horse.

I felt like I was gonna fucking throw up.

Gagging as I suddenly fell from my shoulders once more, my body caught me in its arms.

Well that was fucking fun while it lasted.

Giving Pricktopia one last glance, I smirked “saved your fucking ass again captain hook” I grumbled.

And like a fucking badass I jerked the reins, turning the beast around.

disappearing into the fog, my army of dead fucks stumbling behind me.

Fucking King of the fucking dead fucks.

The. Fucking. End!!!

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