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nyrator · 5 years

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I’ve been feeling odd lately

random thoughts and rotten nyan thoughts

I keep making random text posts lately and I apologize, I mean it is a person blog and I made it with the intent specifically to blog, but, still

rotten nyan is a strange project

the past two days felt like the first ones in a while that were really to myself, and yet they only make me feel worse for some reason. Didn’t do anything- barely colored in these next pages at all, and in real life, still haven’t vacuumed the mess from a small gathering last week, still haven’t taken care of garbage that’s been piling up for months, and generally other disgusting things that I should be cleaning but can’t bring myself to do. Can’t even leave my chair and move around and exercise or anything lately.

I said it before, but RN is a very sensitive and introspective comic. As I color it, I look over it and feel like throwing up a lot, I feel physical pain in my chest, and I keep having hesitant and conflicting thoughts on it. I genuinely wonder if I should see a doctor for the chest pains it gives, because my heart is something that still deeply concerns me. And I still debate how far or in depth on certain topics I should go, and how far do I risk dragging the lives of others I know into this.

it’s a comic that’s like combining both feelings of sadism and masochism in weird ways and I still wonder if it’s okay for me to enjoy making such things, like I’m two separate people- a sadist who enjoys making these characters suffer, or a masochist who hurts themselves making these character. It hurts me to draw this, but there’s some kind of enjoyment out of distancing myself from it by making the Nyans go through it instead. I’d rather people focus on them instead of me, I guess, even though I know it won’t work that way.

Kabi’s Solo Exchange Diary 2 really resonated with me in weird ways, she becomes something I’m afraid of becoming- popular for something you end up hating and regret, resulting in a spiral downward and destruction. She also brought up a complex that I have that I keep mentioning, and how terrified I am at sharing it with people, yet deeply want to share it- if only for the masochistic feeling of social suicide, or something. It’s not some super edgy or world-shattering event or anything, but it’s something that has scarred me greatly as a person, and something so gross that I don’t think I’d be able to stomach reading, and I’m afraid of people’s reactions to it.

I think drawing this comic is a form of self-harm, in a way- but I still want to draw it. I just wish I could draw it faster and more painlessly.

I also wonder who I draw this for, I think. It’s something I want to share with people, but don’t want people to see. It’s like I want to just shove it in people’s faces and get validation or something, and I always say, having someone just find something I made, not knowing me at all, and connecting on it on a personal level and enjoying it- that’s something I really desire with what I make. But it’s hard.

it’s weird, in all honesty, this is probably the best thing I could do- if I’m going to hurt myself with depression, then it might as well be in a recreational sense with art, rather than just sit here and reflect on it over and over and over- but it still hurts.

thank you people for putting up with me though, it really means a lot just seeing random familiar names every so often like something, or even just still hang around. I’ll say it again, for those still looking forward to Rotten Nyan- it’s a very sensitive comic that gets into very sensitive topics, and it’s not for everyone. Please don’t feel obligated to read it if it makes you uncomfortable.

#text stuffs #nyrant #rotten nyan

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