#do i have to add a warning that I find the ascendant romance fun

[tree1138]

Astarion Contradictions and Breakups

Major spoilers for Astarion’s personal quest, The Dark Urge questline, and game endings. 

When I was trying out different paths for how Astarion reacts to the Dark Urge questline something that stood out to me was the wide difference in responses Astarion has, as well as the way he contradicts himself. This essay started as a way of trying to explain “why does Ascendant Astarion tell you to take over the world when he immediately becomes a thrall” from a Watsonian (in-universe explanation) vs a Doylist (out-of-universe explanation) and wound up being a focused on; why does Ascendant!Astarion react so differently to when you break up? 

There are 4 opportunities to break up with Ascendant!Astarion; 1) refuse to become his thrall immediately after the ritual you breakup and have a follow up conversation the next morning, 2) become his thrall and break up with him whenever before killing the Eldar brain, 3) break up with him on the dockside convo at the beginning of the ending, 4) in the last scene with him say you want to break up at which point he doesn’t let you: “You're mine remember? The tadpole is gone, which means your future is mine to decide. How lucky you are that I chose you as my consort. Chose you to help me take Baldur’s gate, then sit by my side as I rule it. There’s no backing out now - we’ll be together forever. I can promise you that…”.  

Comparing breakup conversations with Spawn!Astarion after killing Cazador, Ascendant!Astarion responds with so much more spitefulness and defensive anger across the board, even at Spawn!Astarions most angry (breaking up with him in the literal last conversation) it doesn't match the anger and cruelty in senario 1. To me it reads as him wanting to make the player character just as hurt and upset as he is after a very emotional day and the lines get really nasty:

He then won’t say anything but “why the hells are you bothering me now” until you do 3 long rests which stands out considering if you break up in any other non ending scenario he’ll talk to you pleasantly afterwards. 

That conversation days afterwards is really interesting where his “goal” is to get you to agree to be partners in crime together, and in doing so is the most honest he gets about how a romantic relationship would have been unhealthy:

In regards to love It's really interesting what Astarion will say about love during the conversation where he asks you to become his spawn:

If the pc expresses insecurity about being a spawn he’ll reassure them and say he loves them, in a way that deliberately parallels his Act 1 seduction conversation down to the way that he starts with a degrading pet-name “what can I do for my dearest pet” vs “here’s my little treat with their cheeks all flushed”.

Just like the seduction scene he wants the pc on his side and attached to him, but if you push back on him during this conversation its clear he no longer believes in love just power exchanges:

If the player stays together with Ascendant!Astarion a dialogue option is that he’s seem distant since the ritual, and he’ll imply it's due to his new powers but he does that looking to the up and right that others have mentioned he does when he lies. What makes more sense and is better character writings is the Watsonian answer of: killing all your siblings and 7,000 others (including people Astarion regretted victimizing and then had to look in the eye and condemn to death) will fuck a person up. He knows his hands are bloody so he has to believe he got everything he wanted, and he did really want this because if you leave it up to him he will chose to do the ritual vs just killing Cazador.  

I think Astarion has to believe he is better (which in his view means more powerful) than his past self as part of believing the sacrifice was worth it. In scenario 2 he’ll say this if you bring up his past self:

What’s a lot more interesting is if you bring up his past self in the morning after conversation of scenario 1 he’s genuinely shocked and caught off guard:

What I found interesting was Astarion talks in the same way about how the ritual was worth it and the cool new powers he’ll totally get as he does advocating for endings that are bad for him. If you become the Absolute leader Astarion becomes a thrall just like all the other companions whether you do it on your own or in Bhaal’s name. For all his talk about Bhaal’s army being “an unsurpassable dowry” and how he’ll command it, he can’t do jack shit if the player defies Bhaal and then either kills themselves or becomes fully possessed by Bhaal.The Doylist answer is Larian games just have a very limited amount of endings and the characters are forever stuck at lvl 12 , the more interesting Watsonian answer is Astarian is lying/exaggerating out of ignorance or because he really doesn’t have a clue of what to do next and is trying to cover for that.

The whole ritual plotline is very obviously Astarion continuing the cycle of abuse vs helping others, the abuse Cazador inflicted was akin to the abuse he suffered from Vellioth, down to Astarion commenting that Cazador’s rules came from Vellioth. It's also clear that Ascendant!Astarion has processed none of his trauma re: Cazador, after the ritual he says “I will not think about him. I don’t want to even say his name” and he shouts at you to be silent if you mention Cazador when you break up in scenario 2. I personally think Astarion sees you staying with him as a spawn degrading because he was degraded and abused when he was a spawn based on a line he has if the pc is cursed to go mad with The Dark Urge, where he relates too much to the character.

I think the DnD rules of absolute morality that vampires are extremely evil is a boring answer to why Ascendant!Astarion becomes possessive and controlling, especially since Larian has pushed against that theme throughout the game. Yes Astarion has an Act 1 line about how vampires don't turn spawn into full vampires because they don't share power, in my opinion that line falls flat when considering will have kind and supportive dialogue to the player in a number of other Act 3 quests. Whether the its the Watsonian answer that Larian wasn’t going to rewrite large chunks of dialogue when there are Act 3 quests with no companion reactions or the Doylist answer that he is just extremely possessive and has attachment issues about the threat of you leaving him is an interesting dilemma.

In regards to scenario 4 it's a fucking huge contrast to Astarion's whole character arc about learning to trust and being around someone who respects his boundaries and consent, where here doesn't respect the player's boundaries or consent. It's such a contrast to scenario 3 that happens right before it where Astarion says "We have served our respective purposes, we're free to go wherever we wish" and doesn't mind you breaking up with him as if your relationship was a strategic alliance. It's also the clearest contrast from his pre-ritual dialogue of "we're a team. If I become all powerful, then we become all powerful" because he's taken away all power from the player. The Ascendant romance is not subtle with most of the romance specific dialogue being themed around an extremely toxic D/s relationship where the Narrator explicitly says he’ll see you as degrading himself by being with him as a spawn which feels like it was added to remove any ambiguity about what Astarion feels.  From the way he says “on your knees” before he turns the player character, the way he calls you “bad boy/girl” if you fail the check to see his thoughts, and that infamous line about sitting naked on his lap.

Between the heavy message of power corrupts and how the rest of his ending dialogue is about how his evil future plans will be so fun, it's a clear callback to an act 1 conversation:

tldr: I don't think that corruption is as fun or as freeing as you thought Astarion, but he doesn't have to confront that fact if you're "lovers forever, until the world falls down"

#baldur's gate #bg3 #bg3 meta #astarion #bg3 spoilers #baldur's gate 3 spoilers #longpost #sorry tumblr intext quotation breaks on mobile edits #do i have to add a warning that I find the ascendant romance fun #it's fucked up and full of angst if you dig into it

[musicthatmadeus]

Folklore by Taylor Swift: An Album Review

by: (Older) Justine Choy

Taylor Swift’s music had always had a place in life. I remember watching her music videos play on MTV when I was a kid and singing my heart out to her most popular songs. However, I never really fully got into her music until she released folklore in July 2020. This record came in the perfect time of my life, when I was feeling extremely helpless and out of control due to the pandemic. I had this album on repeat the first few weeks it came out, and whenever I listened to it from beginning to end, I always felt more hopeful than I had been at the start.

The album begins with the 1, starting with simple piano chords that deftly build up sound through plucking guitar notes and casual drum beats. When Taylor Swift sings the opening line “I'm doing good/I'm on some new sh*t,” I immediately burst into tears. I wish that I, too, were doing good. (Or doing well, if we’re being grammatically correct. But that’s besides the point.) The simple production of limited instruments complements the heart-wrenching narrative of the lyrics as Swift wistfully laments on the one that got away. This song sets up the melancholic tone and pensive atmosphere of the rest of the record and is the perfect track to open the album with.

cardigan is the second track and lead single of the record. However, I found its production to be both lacking and underwhelming. The instrumentation stays constant throughout the entire song, with little to no variation in its inflection. The repeated piano riffs almost sound monotonous, and there is very little musical build-up throughout the song. The only thing that salvages the song is its lyrics, with poetic phrases such as “But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss/I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs.”

the last great american dynasty is a masterclass in storytelling, and it is one of the more outstanding tracks on the record. The song starts softly, with percussive piano notes and gentle drum beats moving the song forward at the beginning. The production slowly builds up throughout the song and creates an atmosphere that perfectly captures the tragic elegance and polish of Rebekah Harkness.

exile is a piano ballad that features Bon Iver acting as Swift’s estranged lover. The melody is a bit repetitive, and its monotony is further accentuated as the piano imitates every pitch of the vocals. The bridge is the best part of the song, and it makes listening to the plodding of the previous verses worth it. The production swells as the piano switches from playing notes to chords. Iver and Swift’s voices match perfectly, neither overpowering the other. Their anguish is evident in lyrics such as “You didn't even hear me out (You didn't even hear me out)/You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs).” The overall track sounds fairly cliche, but is still somewhat interesting to listen to.

The fifth song, my tears ricochet, is my least favorite track in the album, and I often skip it whenever I listen to the whole record. Choir-like vocalizations and soft synths make up the production of the track. The melody is repetitive and the narrative of the lyrics is cluttered. The only redeeming part of this song is Swift’s vocal performance, as it showcases her vocal range and shows how far she has come since her debut album.

mirrorball is an atmospheric piece that impeccably captures the feeling of high school angst and unsettled identity. Airy guitar chords resonate through soft drumming and chiming tambourines. With lines such as “I'm a mirrorball/I can change everything about me to fit in,” Swift flawlessly utilizes both the lyrics and the production to convey a narrative of unsteadiness and uncertainty.

The seventh track on the record, aptly titled seven, tells the story of looking back on a childhood friend. Swift’s breathy vocals, combined with the simple piano and guitar instrumentation, create a foggy, hazy atmosphere that perfectly conveys the theme of memory and nostalgia. The production builds up slowly throughout the song, emphasizing points in the narrative that are saturated with wistfulness and sentimentality. With Swift singing lines such as “Passed down like folk songs/The love lasts so long,” the overall song imbues feelings of reminiscence and longing to even its most callous listeners.

august tells the story of a short-lived summer romance. Gentle guitar strumming and resonant drum beats create a warm and hazy ambience befitting the narrative of the lyrics. Feelings of longing and affection are apparent in lines like “Salt air, and the rust on your door/I never needed anything more.” Swift’s echoey vocals, paired with the atmospheric production, give the track an enticing sense of pining and intrigue.

this is me trying is a melancholic song that has Swift repeatedly stating “I just wanted you to know that this is me trying.” A feeling of repetitiveness and an eagerness for reconciliation are evident in the circular, iterative form of the melody. Buzzing synths and sonorous brass horns create a soundscape that is quietly grandiose. The bridge, composed of the quickly-spat lines “And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound/It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you/You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town” make the track’s setting vivid and specific: I could almost imagine the song play out like a movie in my head.

The next track, illicit affairs, has a deceptively calm production that contradicts the intense narrative of the lyrics. It opens with peaceful guitar plucking, and soft vocals and quiet synths enter as the song goes on. The almost serene instrumentation makes the fervor of the bridge much more impactful, as Swift wails “Don't call me "kid," don't call me "baby"/Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me.” illicit affairs contains all of the conflicting emotions a person in an affair would feel, and Swift masterfully utilizes both the lyrics and the instrumentation to tell this story in a compelling way.

invisible string opens with tranquil guitar plucking, similar to that of the previous track. This is where the similarities stop: while illicit affairs is about heartbreak, invisible string tells the story of an inevitable sort of love. The track sounds quiet yet upbeat due to the ascending nature of its musical form. The minimal instrumentation makes the song sound warm and intimate. Listening to this song makes me want to experience being in love, and it thaws my heart even on the worst of days.

mad woman is not my favorite track on folklore. It sounds a bit monotonous, and its production offers nothing different from what the previous songs on the record had. The narrative is rather intriguing; however, its redundant production does not do its lyrics any justice. The constant, plodding piano riff and incongruent drum beats distract from Swift’s vocal performance. If this track was taken off the record, I would not feel sorry for it.

epiphany is Swift’s ode to both her grandfather and the frontliners of the pandemic. It is a beautiful tribute of a song, with atmospheric organ-like synths and choral vocal hymns. The lyrics are poetic and poignant, with lines such as “Someone's daughter, someone's mother/Holds your hand through plastic now.” Swift crafts vignettes of fragility cut through with a sharp sense of bleakness. It is a very emotional song that always leaves me raw after listening to it.

The fourteenth track, betty, is reminiscent of Swift’s country roots. It is an extremely fun song to belt (I know this from experience), with a compelling narrative about teenage love and heartbreak. Warm-sounding guitar plucking and full-rounded piano chords create a sentimental atmosphere that supports Swift’s earnest and heartfelt lyrics. A harmonica adds an extra layer of bluesy sound to the production. The music modulates at the last chorus, wonderfully reinforcing the turning point of the plot. Lines such as “But if I just showed up at your party/Would you have me? Would you want me?” capture the youthful vibe of the story and makes listening to this track almost like hearing a coming of age movie.

peace is my absolute favorite song of Taylor Swift’s. Its production stands out from all of the others on the album. While the other tracks rely on atmospheric guitars and resonant drum beats to create a dreamy ambience, peace creates a quiet soundscape through warm, strumming basses and a beeping drum machine that almost sounds like warning tones. Swift’s lyrics contradict the tranquil quality of the music, with beautiful, poetic lines such as “The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me/Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?” The breathy, soft vocals perfectly combine with the tenderness of the music to create a mood that is both fond and uncertain.

The last track on the record, hoax, is a light piano ballad composed of gentle vocals and delicate piano riffs. Swift’s lyrics tell a story of hurt and hopelessness, with lines dripping with fragile coarseness such as “Stood on the cliffside screaming, "Give me a reason"/Your faithless love's the only hoax I believe in.” Although it is not the most optimistic, its subdued emotions and melancholic tones make it the perfect song to close the album with.

folklore is a welcome departure from Swift’s usually overproduced albums. It is a beautifully-written, cohesive-sounding record that is both hauntingly pensive and wistfully hopeful. The production on this record has greatly influenced my taste in genres and musical aesthetics, and I find myself often reaching to listen to this album whenever I get bored of listening to other songs. folklore is a masterpiece of an album, and I would give anything to have the chance to listen to it for the first time all over again.

[star-spangled-eyes]

The Royal Romance Deleted Scenes, Alternate Endings & Additions...Book 1, Ch. 19

These “deleted scenes”, alternate endings and additions are from The Royal Romance – a story written and owned by Pixelberry Studios. All main story character names and fictional places are owned and created by Pixelberry Studios. Some content belongs to Pixelberry, whereas the rest is created and written by this author.

Master List of Chapters

Book/Chapter: The Royal Romance, Book 1: Chapter 19 - Long Live the King (Alternate Ending) “Is This Really Goodbye?”

Content Type: Alternate Ending

Pairing: Drake Walker x MC (Bragnae Bennett -- *pronounced Brawn-yah)

A/N: I fell in love with this series immediately, and I always envisioned more depth and experiences with the characters to make it more realistic. I had a lot of fun writing these “moments” that we didn’t get to see in the books, especially when giving Drake and the MC a lot more time together to show just how much they care about each other. These are NOT the full chapters from the book itself, rather they add to or expand upon certain moments in the story. I do apologize that they are scattered across the series, but I am working to fill in the moments in each chapter. I hope you enjoy what I’ve decided to add to this already amazing series, and stay tuned for more posts!

***These chapters set the foundation for my fanfic series The Royal Couple. 

Warnings for deleted scenes, alternate endings and additions: Adult content, suggestive and strong language, sex, violence

Warnings for this chapter: Adult content, suggestive and strong language, mild violence, anger, sadness

Word Count for this chapter: 4312

Setting for this chapter: Prince Gabriel was just crowned as King of Cordonia and is about to choose his bride-to-be. Bragnae is torn between accepting his choice publicly despite her feelings for Drake, or embarrassing the new king with a rejection in front of the whole court. Fortunately and unfortunately, Bragnae’s choice was made for her when scandalous pictures of her surfaced on the internet.

Permatags: @burnsoslow @cora-nova @dcbbw

“Thank you all for being here tonight. This is an incredible honor and a responsibility that I don’t take lightly,” Gabriel began. “I only hope that I can serve Cordonia with the distinction that my father did.”

Gabriel bowed to his father and Regina, the now former King and Queen of Cordonia, before hugging them both tightly.

“And now the time has come. Gabriel will choose his bride,” Regina announced.

“First,” the King Father interjected. “Let us thank you all for spending the social season with us.”

“And particularly for all of the young ladies, thank you for your time. I could imagine any one of you being a fitting queen for my son,” Regina added.

Suddenly, a royal advisor walked up and whispered to the former King and Queen. “If you’ll excuse us one moment,” Regina said as the two of them stepped away from the crowd to confer with the advisor, inviting Gabriel to join them.

Just then, a phone buzzed. Then another, and another. One by one, people in the crowd checked their devices.

“Oh my!” Madeleine gasped.

“Oh non!” Kiara joined in.

“She wouldn’t…” Penelope said, flabbergasted.

“Bertrand!” Maxwell screamed at his brother.

“What?” Bertrand said, annoyed as Maxwell shoved his phone in Bertrand’s face forcing him to look at the screen.

“Those bastards!” Drake said angrily.

“Drake… what is it?” Bragnae asked, fearful of how he might answer. She had a terrible feeling it had something to do with her.

Drake looked up at her with a sad expression on his face. “That night Tariq thought you walked into his room… Someone got photos of it. You were set up.”

“It’s all over the news!” Hana exclaimed with deep regret.

Hana walked over to Bragnae’s side, and showed her a news story published just a few minutes ago. In the leading photo, Tariq was reaching out for Bragnae while she stood there in her underwear. The headline read, ‘Prince Humiliated by Unfaithful Suitor!”

Bragnae’s heart sank. She couldn’t believe it. As if that night wasn’t awful enough, now all of Cordonia knew about it, and worst of all, they were seeing her in an extremely vulnerable and exposed position. She wanted to crawl into a hole and die. This was the worst feeling she’d ever had. She was betrayed. This news article put a spin on the situation claiming she wanted to humiliate Gabriel by sleeping with Tariq. Her breathing increased as panic spread throughout her body.

Oh my God! Oh my God! This can’t be happening. Who did this to me? Why did they do this to me? Those assholes! As if I’d ever want to be with that creep Tariq. But that doesn’t matter. This picture shows one of two stories, and the press decided to use the more scandalous version corrupting all of the Cordonian citizen’s minds. But wait. Gabriel. He must hate me. This will hurt him so much!

Bragnae couldn’t breathe. As her thoughts spiraled, she only managed to sputter out one word. “But…”

Seemingly from nowhere, the royal guards appeared around her. “I’m so sorry, Lady Bragnae, but I’ve been ordered to escort you out… immediately. Along with the representatives from House Beaumont,” Bastien said as he gripped her arm firmly.

“This is absurd!” Bertrand reprimanded.

“You can’t do this to Bragnae!” Maxwell said with a serious and fierce look – one Bragnae had yet to see in Maxwell before.

Two other guards grabbed Maxwell and Bertrand, and began dragging the three of them out of the ballroom hastily. Bragnae could barely comprehend the events that were unfolding around her. She was angry and confused, and now she was being forcibly removed from the Coronation Ball. Drake’s livid voice brought her back to reality.

“Get your hands off her!” Drake yelled as he started after them.

“Bragnae!” Hana said desperately.

Both Hana and Drake were now fighting through the crowds to reach them, but the other members of the guard were instructed to hold them back. Across the room, Gabriel was frantically scanning the crowd for Bragnae’s face.

“Where is Lady Bragnae?” Gabriel asked quietly, but just as soon as he said it, he spotted her. “Bragnae!”

“Gabriel!” Bragnae screamed back.

The room erupted into chaos, and was filled with deafening noise making it impossible for their voices to carry to each other.

“Given the circumstances, I’m sure Lady Bragnae has withdrawn from consideration,” Regina said, turning to Gabriel.

“But… I need to speak to her,” Gabriel replied angrily.

Noticing Gabriel’s uncharacteristic show of emotion, Regina pulled him aside, and whispered to him before turning back to the crowd. Gabriel grew more furious as Regina spoke to him before he bitterly conceded to whatever he was hearing. The King father turned outward to the crowd once more.

“And now, Prince Gabriel must make his choice,” Constantine declared, glaring over his shoulder at Gabriel who stood behind him slightly shaking his head back and forth at his father. At this announcement, the crowd hushed to hear the news.

With a disappointed and furious look, Gabriel stepped forward to address the crowd once more. “I choose…” He paused, struggling to say the next two words. “Lady Madeleine,” he gritted through his teeth. Gabriel shot daggers in the direction of his father only to receive a knowing nod from Constantine.

A few feet away, Madeleine stepped forward to stand next to Gabriel with a winning smile on her face, “I’m deeply, deeply honored to accept.” She reached up to kiss Gabriel on the cheek as he clenched his fists, still seething about his forced choice.

Bragnae shuddered at Gabriel’s words unsure of how she truly felt about it. She turned back to face what was in front of her. She was almost to the door that would lead her out of the ballroom and eventually the palace. She panicked as thoughts of her life in Cordonia flashed before her eyes. She was about to lose her friends… she was about to lose Drake.

No! I can’t leave like this! I need to see him again!

Bragnae turned back to find Drake again through the crowd. Her eyes searched for him desperately until finally she saw him still being held back by the Royal Guard. His face was fraught with emotion that was somewhere between shock, anger and sadness. As the crowd continued to cheer and clap at Gabriel’s decision, Bragnae knew she could only communicate with Drake with her eyes. She offered him a pleading, yet apologetic look feeling her eyes well with tears. Drake mouthed her name never letting his gaze stray from her face. As the doors closed behind her, his face was the last thing she saw.

Bastien’s grip loosened on her arm, still guiding her toward the staircase. She ascended the stairs feeling like a disobedient child being reprimanded, and sent to her room. She was utterly embarrassed. Behind her Bertrand was giving the guards two kinds of hell.

“Unhand me at once! This is completely uncalled for!” Bertrand demanded.

“There’s an explanation to this! Can’t we just calm down and talk about it?” Maxwell pleaded.

As they reached the top of the stairs, Bragnae noticed she was being led back to her room at the palace. She looked back to see Maxwell and Bertrand being escorted in the opposite direction, presumably toward their own rooms. Bertrand was still ranting as his voice faded the further apart they became.

“Maxwell! Bertrand!” Bragnae screamed.

“Keep going,” Bastien said to her sternly, tightening his grip on her once more.

They reached her room and escorted her in. Bragnae felt relief on her arm as Bastien finally let go of her. He moved to face her. Two other guards stood inside her room in front of her now closed door.

“Lady Bragnae, you have exactly five minutes to gather your things. We’ll be escorting you off the palace grounds, and you will be returning to New York tonight.”

Bragnae’s mouth gaped open as she looked at him in horror. She wanted to scream, cry and punch Bastien all at the same time. She looked around her room with sadness. So much had transpired within the last ten minutes. As her mind raced through everything, she found herself becoming irate at her current situation. Throughout this whole social season, she had done her best to keep her cool, and represent House Beaumont with as much poise and elegance as she could. All things considered, she thought she did well enough. All of her hard work learning their customs and new things like the game of croquet, and enduring the endless snide comments from the royal family, her competitors and the press for what? To be forced to leave the country because one news article claimed that she was some tramp out to break Gabriel’s heart?

This is complete bullshit.

“Can I at least change out of this dress before you make me go?” She pleaded with Bastien, but made no effort to hide her snarky attitude.

“Do it quickly,” he replied.

Bragnae marched to the bathroom thankful all of her clothes were in a closet linked to it. She hated that Bastien and the other guards were watching her every move, so the privacy was more than welcoming to her at the moment. She closed the door, and let out a sigh. She walked over to her dresser and found a pair of jeans and a black tank top, and changed out of her dress. Bragnae looked at all of her beautiful dresses hanging in the closet reminiscing the memories she made in them. She felt tears start to pool in her eyes again, but she quickly blinked them away. She grabbed her suitcase, and began packing the dresses and other clothes she had. Next, she turned to her vanity to collect her toiletries. She stared at herself in the mirror.

I can’t believe this is how it’s going to end. I can’t even speak to my friends, and I’m about to be toted off like some common criminal. This is fucking ridiculous.

Bragnae pounded her first on the vanity. Just then she heard a knock on the door.

“Sixty seconds, Lady Bragnae,” Bastien called from beyond the barrier.

Ugh. Fine. Have it your way, asshole.

Bragnae opened her cosmetic bag and held it against the edge of the vanity as she swiftly moved all of her products into it with one swipe of her arm. She threw the bag into her very full suitcase, and begrudgingly zipped it up. She threw the door to the bathroom open carrying her luggage by the side handle. Bragnae took a few steps out of the bathroom looking Bastien in the eye as she purposefully dropped her bag on the floor. It was her last act of defiance. Bastien sighed shaking his head.

“Pick up her suitcase, and let’s go,” Bastien ordered the other two guards.

Bragnae planted herself in the spot she stood burning a hole into Bastien with her look with her arms folded across her chest. He moved to grab her arm again, but she whipped it out of his reach.

“Do not… touch me,” she growled. “At least let me walk out of here with what little dignity I have left.”

Bastien pulled back slightly reacting to her tone as if he was surprised she would stand up for herself. He said nothing as he lifted his arm in the direction of the door insisting that she walk ahead.

Bragnae took a deep breath looking around her room once more, and then headed for the door. It wasn’t long before the guards led her into a black SUV outside of the palace sitting on either side of her in the back seat. Bastien climbed into the driver’s seat, and took off for the airport. She looked back at the palace watching it get smaller and smaller as they drove away. Drake. She turned back to face the dark road ahead of her. Endless tears flowed down her face. The car was completely quiet, except for her occasional sniffle breaking the silence. She leaned forward in her seat resting her head in her hands.

When they reached the airport, one guard grabbed her suitcase as the other opened the door for her to get out. Bastien sidled up next to her as they walked into the main entrance.

“We’ve got you on the red eye leaving at 1:15 a.m. Continue to cooperate with us, and this will all go smoothly,” Bastien said. “You will not be returning to Cordonia.”

Bragnae glared at him, but kept walking without replying. Soon, she was through security and arrived at her gate. She rolled her bag over to a seat facing the window and sat down.

“I want you two to stay with her until she boards the plane,” Bragnae heard Bastien say to his subordinates.

Bastien walked over to stand in front of Bragnae with a soft, almost regrettable look on his face, which was very different than she had seen in the last half hour.

“Lady Bragnae… for what it’s worth, I’m sorry we had to remove you from the palace like that.”

Bragnae stared up at him. Her blood boiled.

“Fuck you, Bastien,” she replied, her words dripping with indignation. “You have no idea what you’re forcing me to leave behind. You’re all a bunch of cowards. You’d trust the word of the press before you’d even look into the situation yourselves. What about your new King? Do you think this is what he wanted? I know for a fact it’s not. It’s fucking bullshit, and you know it.”

Bastien hardened his gaze before speaking again. “Have a safe flight, Lady Bragnae,” he said curtly as he walked off.

Bragnae slumped in her chair looking out the window at Cordonia. She could faintly see the palace sitting atop the hill in the distance. Cordonia grew to be a second home to her – maybe more like an actual home. She felt more comfortable here than she did most of the time living in New York. There was something about Cordonia that drew her in. Perhaps it was the people, or maybe it was the feeling of being swept up in some sort of fairy tale in a far off land she’d never heard of before. It was truly magical, and this experience was everything to her. It took on a whole new meaning of the word adventure. She made new friends… and enemies. She learned more about herself and took risks. She found love. True love. And now, she was leaving it all behind against her will. There was still so much to say. She sat there and stewed thinking about everything.

I bet Gabriel thinks I’m some sort of crown chaser by now. He probably hates me for embarrassing him like that. I can’t say I blame him though. I should have told him about that night at Applewood Manor, but then again, I didn’t think I was being watched. I just wish I could have explained it to him. Those fucking vultures set me up, and plastered my half-naked ass all over the internet right as he was about to make his announcement. Coupled with that threatening letter… How convenient. I should have put two and two together earlier before all of this happened. I’m such a fool.

But let’s be real, Bragnae. What would you have done if this didn’t happen? You’re in love with Drake! And Gabriel is in love with you, and you love him… but you’re not in love with him. How did this happen?!

What if Gabriel had chosen me like he told me he was going to do earlier tonight? I was resigned to say yes. This was the only thing to do. It was the proper thing to do. I came here for Gabriel after all… But does that mean I’d have to be unhappy for the rest of my life?! Ugh, this is such a mess. What was I going to do? Embarrass him by declining his offer to marry me in public. Or would I have said yes, and then broken it off later to save him the humiliation of being let down in front of everyone. That wouldn’t have been good either. What if I had gone through with marrying him, while still secretly loving Drake? Would I have just moved on and forgotten my feelings for Drake? Maybe, but I doubt it.

This doesn’t even matter, Bragnae! Why are you going over this?! It doesn’t matter anymore.

Perhaps this was for the best. This way, the decision was made for me. What do they call it when this happens? … A blessing in disguise? Still! I wanted to make this decision! I want control over my life! I didn’t want to be thrown out of the ballroom with my name tarnished like that.

I want to be with Drake. Bragnae scoffed at her thoughts.

I finally know who I want to be with, and now that can never happen. I’m leaving Cordonia, and I doubt he’ll follow me to New York. Especially with Gabriel hating me or whatever he feels about me, Drake would never betray him like that. It basically took an act of God to get Drake to even admit his feelings for me or even kiss me despite his loyalty to Gabriel. It would make Gabriel look really bad if his best friend left the country to be with ‘the harlot that jilted the Prince’ at the end of the social season.

Reality was finally starting to set in crashing over her like a tidal wave. She was never going to see Drake again. She would never get the chance to tell him that she wanted to be with him, and only him. Bragnae finally knew what it felt like to truly love another person, and being ripped away from him without a proper goodbye was breaking her heart. She couldn’t breathe. The pain of losing him before things even had a chance to start was overwhelming. Being forced into this situation made her feel like someone ripped her heart out of her chest, and stomped on it in front of her. There was nothing she could do. Realizing this, Bragnae started to cry. Not caring who was looking at her, she allowed herself to cry harder. The tears poured as she gasped for air, but it wasn’t making her feel better. She was angry, and desperately wanted to pound her fists into something. She didn’t care who or what that was. Bragnae leapt up from her seat and ran to the bathroom just down the way. One of the guards stood up to follow her, but stopped when he saw her go in.

She headed right for a stall and slammed the door behind her. She leaned against the cold metal sobbing even more, and kicked it a few times. After a few minutes, she emerged from the stall, and walked over to the sink to splash some cool water on her face. When she looked up she saw just how red and puffy her face was with her eyes all bloodshot. She stood with her hands on either side of the sink holding herself up as she continued to look into the mirror. Nothing was making this pain going away, and it was incredibly frustrating. So many different emotions coursed through her veins, and it was unbearable. She wondered when this pain would go away, if ever. She dropped to her knees, and turned to lean against the wall. She tucked her legs against her chest, and held herself quietly.

Bragnae had to do something to help herself. She needed to break away, and take back some control. She briefly considered tricking the royal guards somehow, and sneaking out of the airport, but the image of her being thrown into a Cordonian jail turned her off of that thought. She had to talk to Drake again. She had to tell him that she loved him, and how much she was going to miss him. She pulled her phone out of her pocket, and brought up Drake’s number. She hesitated at first, but pushed the button to call him anyway. The phone went straight to voicemail. She hung up and dialed again. Same thing. She sighed. Bragnae wished at this moment that Drake had recorded his own personal greeting on his cell phone, so she could hear his voice again. She ended the call, and stared at her phone.

Maybe I’ll just text him, then. But what do I even say? I don’t want to tell him I love him over a text. That’s so tacky. Who knows if his phone is even on or when he’ll even get it?

Bragnae began talking herself out of texting Drake, but then realized it hurt more to not even try to reach him. She opened up her Message app, and began typing a text to Drake.

              [Hey Drake…]

Bragnae paused before sending the message.

Ugh! What do I say?!

Feeling sad and defeated again, she navigated to her Photos app. She scrolled through the first few pictures of her with her friends. There were a few selfies she and Hana took before Karaoke night began, a picture of Bertrand, her and Maxwell at the Beaumont Bash holding up champagne bottles and the swords they opened them with, a few more selfies of her, Hana and Maxwell from that night as well, and many goofy poses of Maxwell throughout their travels. She continued swiping through her pictures until one made her stop dead in her tracks. It was the selfie she took of her and Drake the night of his birthday at the American-themed country bar. She had almost forgotten about it.

Before they left that night, Bragnae leaned in and wrapped her arm around Drake’s waist holding her phone out in front of them demanding a selfie. The memory made her smile for a brief moment. She remembered him grimacing at her, but he relented and leaned in close for the shot. The result was the most perfect picture she’d ever seen. The angle from the camera looked down on them with Bragnae beaming as she displayed a full smile, while Drake had an eyebrow somewhat raised, and one side of his closed mouth slipping up into a smile ever so slightly. It was so perfectly Drake. He rarely smiled, and even though his wasn’t the biggest in this picture, it still made Bragnae’s heart skip a beat when she looked at it. She knew how much he held in his affections for her, and in this photo, she could see the restrained happiness he was allowing to show. Despite them revealing their true feelings a few weeks after his birthday, she knew they both felt a spark that night. He really opened up to her on his birthday. It was the first time she really hugged him, and felt him return her embrace with sincerity.

He looks so good in this picture. Those beautiful, brown eyes… those lips… that strong jaw line. And his soft, gorgeous hair.

Bragnae felt herself blush remembering his touch, and how well he kissed. And it wasn’t even about how good of kisser he was. It was how she felt when his lips were on hers. The undeniable electric bolt that surged through her body every single time never ceased to amaze her. Kissing him felt so right despite it always having to be in secret. She closed her eyes trying to hold onto the memories of when they could be alone, and truly be themselves around each other. She felt a tear roll down her cheek as she opened her eyes again. She looked at her phone once more, this time zooming in so just Drake’s face filled her screen.

I’m going to miss you so much, Drake.

Feeling a bit of inspiration looking at his face, Bragnae decided to return to the Message app.

                 [Hey… I just wanted to say thank you for everything you’ve done for me. And I’m going to miss you… a lot.]

Bragnae sent the message hoping it would mean something to Drake when he read it. But before she could put her phone away, her screen lit up, and displayed the words ‘Not Delivered’ underneath the message she sent. Bragnae tapped the message attempting to send it again, but it came back the same. She looked to her reception bars and saw a ‘1x’ where full bars should be.

Great, I have no reception. I guess it’s not meant to be, then. Just my luck.

Bragnae stood up, and decided to return to her seat to await her flight back to New York. When she exited the bathroom, she saw one of the guards standing just outside of it waiting for her. She sighed in disgust and walked over to her seat. Before sitting down, she looked out the window, and decided to change her seat facing away from it.

It’s time to stop emotionally cutting myself. I’m really going back to New York. I need to look forward, and not dwell in the past.

Bragnae’s pep talk carried no weight, as she didn’t even believe herself. But she had to try. Anything was better than the pain she felt. She drew in a deep breath suddenly feeling exhausted. She slumped down in her chair once again, closing her eyes. Her flight was supposed to begin boarding in an hour. That’s all she had to wait for. Then this would all be behind her. She tried to will herself to sleep, but her mind was still racing. No matter what she did to think about anything else, the thought of leaving the love of her life consumed her.

Drake…

#trr #trr drake #the royal romance #the royal romance drake #the royal romance fanfic #choices trr #trrchoices fanfic #playchoices #choices stories you play #trr fanfic #drake x mc #drake walker #drake x bragnae #noreception #eff you Bastien #Cordonia Airport #bragnae bennett

[mermaidsirennikita]

January 2019 Book Roundup

New year, new reading challenge, etc.  After a decidedly bad start, I found 1) a very fun, very Gothic thriller 2) a sad but well-written YA contemporary about toxic friendships and 3) a fun Holly Black sequel.  Not a total loss, then!  My favorite book of the month, all things considered, was really probably Holly Black’s The Wicked King--if largely because the ending was exactly what it should have been.  On to February!  I’ll try to read a bit more romance that month, juuust to rub my own single-ness in a bit more.

Lie to Me by J.T. Ellison.  1/5.  Ethan and Sutton seem like they have it all--he’s a famous author, even if he has been struggling with writer’s block for years; she’s a successful romance novelist, though her recent run-in with a nasty reviewer online has tarnished her reputation.  Though they were shaken by the loss of their baby, they seem to be getting it together.  Until Sutton goes missing, with a note to Ethan warning him to avoid looking for her.  I won’t say much more, because you can probably guess the plot here, save for some twists that weren’t really twists because they were only there to shock and made very little sense.  This book ripped off Gone Girl to a degree that wasn’t so much capitalizing on the domestic thriller craze as it was literally ripping off Gone Girl.  This was just kind of stupid.

Luna and the Lie by Mariana Zapata.  2/5.  Luna works at an auto shop, and has for years, while supporting her younger sisters.  One of her bosses has become a father figure to her; the other, Ripley (or “Rip”) is the bane of her existence.  However, when Luna is invited to her grandmother’s funeral, she is concerned about coming into contact with her estranged family again.  In a bid to stay protected, she asks Rip to accompany her--which leads to her keeping a secret for him.  Honestly, I don’t even feel like I can properly give this a review because it just kind of bounced off of me.  I don’t mind a simple, even kind of dumb plot as long as I’m enjoying myself, and I just wasn’t here.  But someone else might!  A Zapata book’s enjoyability, I’ve learned, lives and dies on whether or not you’re into the male lead.  Rip was like...................... the opposite of my type.  So it didn’t work for me.

The Au Pair by Emma Rous.  4/5.  On the day that Seraphine and her twin brother, Danny, were born, their mother Ruth flung herself from the cliffs outside their ancestral home of Summerbourne.  Shortly after the death of their father twenty-five years later, Seraphine discovers a photo taken on the day of her birth, before Ruth died--but in it, Ruth is holding only one baby.  Increasingly obsessed with the truth behind her past, Seraphine seeks out Laura, the au pair employed by her parents before the twins were born.  But the more Laura avoids her, the clearer it becomes that what happened that day at Summerbourne may be worse than Seraphine imagined.  This book is ALL about the atmosphere.  It’s got a Gothic vibe, with the characters’ obsession with family and Summerbourne adding this super creepy edge to everything.  I can’t say that the plot is especially fantastic--I did see the ending coming, and I can’t say that much here was super revolutionary.  But the tone?  A+.

The Wicked King by Holly Black.  4/5.  In the sequel to The Cruel Prince, Jude has now had control of Cardan, the new High King, for five months.  This makes her the true power behind the throne--but her relationship with Cardan is not an easy alliance.  Struggling with her attraction to Cardan, Jude is warned that someone close to her is a traitor; and in order to keep her power, she must uncover that person’s identity as soon as possible.  This book was so dependent on the love-hate dynamic between Jude and Cardan working.  And oh, it does.  The tension between them simmers.  Their dynamic is easily the most compelling part of the book.  And the rest is good, too--I’m not one of those people that thinks Black has reinvented the wheel regarding the fairy thing in YA... because she hasn’t.  But this was *fun*, and I enjoyed it.  I could do without some of the cringey aspects of Black’s fairies (I refuse to call them faeries).  Overall, however, I’m really excited for the next book--the ending really sealed this one.

White Stag by Kara Barbieri.  2/5.  Janneke has lived in servitude to the goblin Soren for nearly a century, given to him by his wicked uncle, Lydian.  Just as she realizes that her humanity is slowly eroding, the Erlking dies, leaving a power vacuum.  Determined to keep Lydian from ascending to the throne, Janneke joins Soren in the hunt for the White Stag--the future king’s source of power--and along the way struggles with coming to terms with both her past trauma and her uncertain future.  This book has a great premise, but is bogged down by a lack of worldbuilding and slow pacing.  It just couldn’t keep my attention, despite the fact that I am an admitted sucker for sexy goblin books (HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEE).  Furthermore, although I appreciated Janneke’s trauma and the fact that she still hadn’t come to terms with it, something about the way it was handled felt rather clumsy?  Well-intended and not exploitative, but... yes, clumsy.  I wouldn’t be against trying something else by Barbieri as I think she has potential, but the pacing ultimately killed a lot of my interest in this one.

Our Year of Maybe by Rachel Lynn Solomon.  4/5.  Sophie and Peter have been best friends since childhood; and Peter has been sick the whole time.  Now that she’s turned eighteen, Sophie is donating her kidney to Peter; and she secretly hopes that this will be the catalyst for the change in their relationship that she’s long wanted.  But after the transplant, Peter is different--he’s free for the first time in his life.  Free to pursue new interests, a life separate from Sophie--and Chase, a boy he likes.  As Sophie and Peter grow apart--both struggling with guilt and gratitude--they find themselves forced to define a relationship that may be growing toxic.  First off, I love the way that Solomon writes her characters.  They’re so real and flawed and sometime straight-up assholes.  I also love that Peter is bi and this is just kind of a part of him--but a part he’s never really been able to explore, due to his illness.  There’s a lot at play here, and neither Sophie nor Peter get a villain edit, which is refreshing.  They just... are incredibly codependent.  And there is a good deal of attraction going on there, which adds to the complexity of what they’re dealing with.  And really, neither of them have ever had anyone else to lean on outside of family.  This book is basically just digging in to Sophie and Peter’s relationship; outside of that, there isn’t too much plot.  But that?  Is really good.  Is it quite as good as Solomon’s debut, “You’ll Miss Me When I’m Gone”?  Not really.  But God, she’s a breath of fresh air in YA contemporary.

Echo North by Joanna Ruth Meyer.  3/5.  After hardship debilitates his family, Echo’s father journeys out to sell his wares.  Echo finds him lost in the woods, at the mercy of the very same wolf that scarred her years before.  The wolf gives Echo an offer: if she spends a year in his home, her father will be set free.  Taking the deal, Echo finds herself in an ever-changing house full of living books and secret rooms, with the wolf as her constant companion.  He sleeps in her room at night, with only one rule: she must never light the candle to look at him in the dark.  As you can imagine, this is an “East of the Sun, West of the Moon” retelling.  And there were so many things I loved about it.  The writing style is super pretty, exactly what you’d want from a fairy tale.  Furthermore, Meyer plays with some really interesting concepts that I hadn’t seen before.  But... I never was as emotionally attached as I wanted to be.  Nothing really surprised me.  I’d like to see what she does next, but I do think she needs to work a bit on character development and emotional intensity.

#book roundup #reading roundup #books #book recs