#doesnt help that i literally did this to myself

[todayisafridaynight]

#rgg #yakuza series #ryu ga gotoku #ryu ga gotoku 7 #yakuza like a dragon #yakuza 7 #arasawa #masumi arakawa #jo sawashiro #ichiban kasuga #snap sketches #continuing my series of fave trend of 'jo's trying to do his job and its really not going well' oops #turns out i did do something for pocky day with arasawa TEEEEEEEHEE #literally so illegal not drawing arakawa with his scar this is why i never draw him from this angle HELP #i had plagued myself with the idea of ichi giving arakawa pocky sticks like he was offering a lighter.. lol.... #lil man doesnt even know he gonna get his dad and the dude he likes The Least to smooch over this #ok bye

[lobotomyladylives]

I think bpd is a bullshit stigmatizing label thrown at women to pathologize what is very obviously a response to prolonged childhood trauma and would be better labeled as C-PTSD. that being said my god I am bpd as fuck

#my sister just snapped at me bc i said i dont want to do a ton of physical labor for the job she signed me up for which apparently does i #in fact involve a lot of it. and her being mad for even that moment sent me spiraling so badly & i had the reaction i often do where #i start hating both her & myself terribly & want to isolate forever #i think she hates her new job & is taking it out on me but it doesnt matter bc i cant handle being yelled at #and the fact thst it took me till adulthood to realize thats bc i associate it with my father is crazy. yeah its just the cptsd like #everything else. and whats nutso is how i continue to think my trauma Wasnt Bad Enough for ptsd . #just bc he didnt beat the shit out of or molest me i feel like i dont even have a right to be this fucked up #not that it was only him. being bullied at school really did not help. i guess now that i think about it the problem is that until #i was a teenager i literally did not feel emotionally secure anywhere. home or school. always the ticking of a bomb in the bg #the inevitable moment my dad blew up over nothing or i overheard my peers talking about what a freak i was #i dont know why it still hurts to think about. im so far removed from it my life now couldnt be more different #well thats the stupid fucking thing about childhood isnt it. those are your very first experiences with the world & other ppl #i do know my view of romantic relationships was irrevocably poisoned by my parents & that is never going to be undone. so cool

[xamaxenta]

It’s difficult to not feel discouraged sometimes when your partner is also an artist and happens to be faster than you in every conceivable way

This doesn’t bother me often because everyone is different and comparing production time and skill against each other or anyone is detrimental mostly and its ok to have your own workflow

but it does weigh on me vaguely sometimes sometimes that she can finish 2-3 full coloured pieces within a week and ive been painfully scratching out the same number but theyre only sketches that ill never revisit within a month

None of this actually matters in the long run, it just makes me feel bad on occasion

#like i should be doing more #im very sorry for complaining so much online #i just dont really have any other way to express myself #i know some of you have generously and kindly reached out to me to offer an ear #but my fatal flaw is i cant talk to anyone about my problems i just idk it was beaten into me that none of it matter #matters or my problems arent a big deal and i know ots healthy to think actuallt my problems are worth talking about or a big deal #but its hard to change a behaviour that was kinda literally beaten jnto you that talking about stuff likw this is a waste of time #i guess i just feel bad that i could do more and i dont because i dont want to #but i also want to if that makes any sense at all #i suppose it also doesnt help that alot of the work im doing right now i actually sorta hate like none of it is good to me personally #i want to stop being toxic towards myself #i just wanna stop hating me and who i am and what i do every step of the way #but that mean little voice inside me is like ahh. it wont shut up #I always say i need a break or more time but what am i gonna do with it #doing nothing at all isnt fulfilling #it sounds. sad like what teenager me did and i dont want to be or feel like that ever again but its fuckjng hard #this is so woe is me #im a liar bc i say the main text doesnt bother me but it bothers me alot im very envious of her speed prolificness and drive to create #and i have none like thats so unfair #this makes me sound ultra bitter god fucking damn it #i want to go to sleep and genuinely never fucking wake up again #please im done i just dont want to

[queeriboh]

if I could go back in time and tell my younger self 2 things they would be:

you're going to be hot some day, but like, when youre 30. yeah, I don't get it either

and

KEEP YOUR FUCKING YUGIOH SHIT

#I can DISTINCTLY remember going home for a holiday or smth #and my mom asking if I wanted to keep any of my Nerd Shit before she remodeled my room #and I ONLY took my pandora hearts manga #WHY #I had the full s0 manga #I HAD A FUCKING DUEL DISK #she didnt actually throw any of it away like on purpose #bc my mom doesnt lol throw stuff away like that #but she put it in storage in the basement and it flooded so bad they had to have a company come and just #get rid of EVERYTHING #and like take out 3 feet of drywall and all the carpet it was bad bad I can't blame anyone but myself for not taking it with me #but at the time I was dating someone who #a. was a hoarder herself and our apartment was full of so much garbage I had to leave mpst of my clothes behind when we moved bc i just #couldn't pack and move everything myself and she refused to help #and b. went 'ugh please dont get into ygo' every time I even mentioned it #like I even remember mentioning the s0 manga when my mom asked that #and she complained so i was like 'nah theres no way I'll get into that again' #bc I thought I'd never have anyone else to talk about it with again anyway #LITTLE DID I KNOW #there's literally dozens of us

[horrorwebs]

i hate my best friend earlier i was like "im scared that this guy likes me bc he said something that i would only say to people who i like, but i recognize thats its a normal ass thing to say anyway and i rationally know he does not like me, but still, my brain decided to play with that concept and made me have a terrible nightmare the other night about it and now im subconsciously scared that he will like me ( with the underlying concept of "i am scared of men")" and shell go ohohioo what if youre projecting and its actually YOU that likes him. ????? bitch did you not hear the part about having a dream where he abused me or ...?sometimes being asexual is a nightmare nobody gets it

#and i have actually considered that btw.! and no i dont like him. if i like anyone its someone else entirely.and i dont like them either so #but she did not get it for the most part which i understand my feelings are unconventional and irrational and hard to follow. but i am #quite literally scared of the concept. of a man liking me. of this guy specifically bc we are good friends why ruin it!but just guys in gen #and i dreamt he abused me..... #literal nightmare i woke up scared and confused all bc my brain hates ne #anyway. she wants to have a gotcha moment so bad #like i said before. no its not about projecting and being scared of liking him #its about being scared that someone who i care about sees me in a way i dont and demands things from me i am not willing to give #+ someone being intimidating by having more experience compared to my 0 amount #+ feeling a bit intimiddated that my new friend group will find me immature as i am the youngest one #theres a lot of complicated feelings and a lot of confusing things bc of my asexuality but she sometimes doesnt get it #its not rly about liking him. also if i do in the future i wont really give myself a headache about it ive decided to stop worrying #about things like that it never helps. #anyway this is the friend i was hopelessly in love with and i can safely say i am over her now [tangent] #anyway. idk. sometimes i feel so stupid but this fear was idk a bit more than justa silly highschool 'what if i like them'and more #'what if the people i meet want to take advantage of me and i cant learn to say no' + 'what if i have a way of self sabotaging perfectly #good friendships by implanting irrational fears into them via dream' ? #you know. a bit more heavy #idk if anyone reads my rants id you doo cool thanks but whatever this is my diary maybe i should go nack to the psychologist idk #spikeposting

[sludgeguzzler]

gotta love discussing your career with your father

#i tell him i want a career as an artist he tells me about how oooo did you know Big Companies hire artists??? as if it isnt obvious info #and then im like no i dont really want to work in that are to be honest but ill figure it out #and then he tells me im never going to get enough money to live like that and that ill die poor. cool dad awesome #i WOULD try to be nice and talk about it in a chill manner but its so exhausting i dont wanna #he thinks because he knows how it works its the only path that WONT get me dead in a ditch with no money #as if. i cant work for other places. #maybe ill become a teacher that doesnt sound bad or maybe ill work freelance not bad either #maybe i can land myself a solid job at a studio in town or i can help illustrate books #i dunno man im tired of this guy . cant even mention not wanting to work for a bank without him going into a rant about #responsibilities & the job market & food & taxes & etc etc etc #i have literal years of studying and practicing and growing befre im ready to enter the work force #my life plans may very well change in that span of time #all hes doing is making dread the possibility of working for a company as a designer #welp doesnt mean i have to listen to everything he says #bc i do losten his advice is important to me #i just wosh he wouldnt shit all over my very open very uncertain future just because he doesnt vibe with it #talk

[plaguethewaters]

this is. exhausting

#vent #ignore the nova #im just so fucking tired #i dont even have anyone to properly vent to all my friends have way bigger problems than me and i already vent too much alredy i cannt burd #edn them so much #i tried to post on reddit like 'oh i ma so sick none of my problems are big enough to be considered real problems so im stuck suffering #with basically no support system' #and this guy just went 'oh youre young Real problems that eill make you Really suffer will come in the future #enjoy life now because nothing bad wver happens when youee young dont burden yourself of your friends problem' and i am so mad #first of all did you even read the post. #nobody taking my problems seriously because im houng is literally my probleem fuck #and I'll WANT to burden myself w/ ny friends problems i want to help them through that and help then be better. #like fucking shit #i know im being pathetic and crying about nothing alredy i KNOW #i have no real problema im just a little spoiled fucking bitch that doesnt jnow gow the world works and will ve destroyed in adulthood i fu #fuckjng know goddamnit #but can someone fuckjng be compassionate for once in my fucking life #and km being unfair my friends understand me so much and they alredy help me so fucking much #my best friend held me through so many crying sessions but she shouldt HAVE to #my support system shouldnt be made of other emotionally instable teens that are all fighting their own fucking battles #theu dont always have the energy to help me and they should nt be able to thats not their fucking job #i just want a fucjing therapist #kr like. a parent that will not thell me im dumb when i say o legitimately struggle with studying and have panick attacks and self harm #like i love them but goddamnit #i want to love nyself too #this is all the period talking after all #i dont have real problems #its just the hormones. #im so fucking pathwtic

[kimmkitsuragi]

if tmrw he finds these things i did in like a few hours fine or even nice it would be so fun for me

#i feel like i dont put in effort but like it's SUPPOSED to be a group work and as always it is not #so like. im low efforting a whole group project by myself like 80% of the time #and like. it seems to be going fine? huh #i literally just did all of this in 2 hours despite having a whole day empty...... and the others apparently dont have anything so #im doing their part rn as well but again it doesnt take such a long time #AND on top of everything if he likes what im doing w low effort tmrw then. i simply am the best i guess #but. i should not let myself get used to being lazy because like clearly i have to do so much for monday 💔 #hopefully the others will be useful too lmao #to give credit 2 of them are useful most times #but still feels like im carrying the project but idk #cant help but be competent.... 😔 i know i must sound insanely narcissistic or something when im like this but djdjhd #you have to be here to understand the situation okay #🗒

[munamania]

. i like her so much

#:(((( #im just really sad rn lolol #like. goddamn #i saw them today... i know they spotted me and after this whole stupid missing wed night and then the other screening yesterday #she just flat out ignored my message and like ya such is her pattern i told myself i wouldnt care but like. is it so heS #hard*lol and i want to sit here and blame it on the bf and him being controlling #but maybe i was just delusional. or maybe she just liked the attention. maybe she really loves him #when she talked abt seeing me again she said hopefully not maybe #im also being torn apart by her looking at me after our last class and saying some shit like 'we were having our own little moment' #and all this other shit and then just that one stupid fucking meeting with him #maybe had i never been so ballsy as to just go up to him this never wouldve happened. i was being a little shit lol #and now idk if hes turned her against me or made me out to be some creep or whatever bullshit #which might only be compounded if shes dealing with some internalized homophobia lol #and i just.. i cant know. i wont know. #and if she did get into some fight with him over me and thats why things were/have been so weird #she clearly chose him. why wouldnt she theyre literally dating. #oh my god im like Pining hard rn. it's so bad guys lol oh god #cause like what if this translates into next year and she just wont talk to me in class #it sucks bc i think. if given time i could maybe get over feelings for her and id still like her in my life #doesnt help to think that far ahead i guess tho like what can i do lol #i just like her so much:(( i like her dumb smile and her laugh and her voice and her dumb little speech patterns #and i like the way she laughs with her whole body and how she kinda looks like a bithc #but is so sweet. and i like hearing about her stupid classes and her new dog and i miss walking around and having her show me #her class buildings. god EW #k im gonna go put on a playlist and be sad until i see my friends later #what a shitty way to end the semester. but i saw my friends the last few days and went to a nice garden today. #and potentially have a rlly good job opportunity #abby talks

[be-good-to-bugs]

AAAAH forever stress is going to kill me one day

#the bin #i hate knowing why i feel so bad and not being able to do anything about it #im scared that ill never ever feel better. its been so long since i felt ok. im worried that ill make friends and still feel horrible all #the time and it wont matter. i cant keep doing this. im so tired of being all alone. im so tired of the constant inescapable dread #im going to figure something out. in a month ill be moved and i can start figuring everything out then #i hate not being able to focus on anything besides how bad i feel. i cant enjoy anything. theres so many shows i wanna watch but i cant #because im so distracted by this. theres so much manga i wanna read and i cant. #literally the ONLY thing that has been able to make me temporarily forget this for any amount of time is dungeon meshi #its so fucking good and it sparks so much joy that it does help but not enough. i get sad again really fast. #well. im trying really hard to manage my stress. i did the math on how much i should be getting. i know that i will have rent at least. #there are 2 weeks that i dont know what my hours will be but assuming i get 13 hours at least then i should have an ok amount for #moving. its possible theyll be worse and its possible theyll be better. im really hoping theyre better. my hours have been SO BAD recently #i dont know why. i know im not bad at my job or anything. i sont think my manager dislikes me either. he does this whenever someone #hasnt been feeling well and hell do it for a couple weeks and i think its him trying to be considerate but i have bills to pay man #technically there is a shift i could pickup but the store has a drive thru so im nervous to bc idk how that works and if im asked to do that #then ill have no idea so ive been avoiding taking any shifts like that #hopefully enough will pop up in the coming weeks and i can get some more hours. i know i can cover moving vehicle cost but idk how much #gas is gonna be so im suuuuper worried abt that. hhhh. hopefully my sister and her boyfriend can get me back the $300 they owe too #honestly idk how they werent able to afford rent but immediately after they were able to afford a 40 hour roadtrip and yimw off work #whatever. it doenst matter. #i wish i could deal with the other stuff messing me up rn but i cant fix the loneliness thing without not being alone and i cant fix that #it doesnt matter how much i tell myself ill make friends eventually or if i believe it or not. i feel bad because ive gone way too long #not hanging out with anyone and my brain cant handle it. #im gonna see if maybe i can play a game with my sister soon. or maybe i couod play smth with my younger sister even #i pkayed roblox with her for a little while. maybe she would want to again. i miss her :(

[straykats]

/

#kats personal #i cant tell if im coping good or if im like #in some self destructive state of denial and/or numbness #like i dont think im letting myself feel emotions about it anymore #i either try to wrao up the tears real quick or just. literally dont think about it at all #occupy the brain at all times #it doesnt help that i have so much academic work goijg on as well #like i NEED to keep my shit together ot else im not gonna manage uni #and why the fuck did i agree to take on another side job bro i cant so this rn #i think some part of me believes that if i can manage uni and work #that means everything is okay #but i dont.. think thats how it works #i also just. hate myself for 'taking this so well' rn #makes me feel so heartless and like i didnt care at all #anyways. great content for my writing assignments this semester HAHAHAHAHA #'did i really ever care about my parents?' <- my personal essay question /hj #that.. is actually pretty fruitful tho. i have ideas. #give me a week without any other assignments and my final piece for that class is sorted

[triggeringtommy]

gggrrrrrr i feel ,,, like i can't make a big post abt what's bothering me bc i swear she doesn't follow me but she lurks on here from time 2 time so I'm ranting in the tags here side note I wish I could shut the fuck up but im struggling with that!!!!! >:(

#if u see this kai i love u #im so fucking stressed rn all i think abt is getting fucked up and od'ing so like yikes thats a problem #im tryna be excited and happy abt visiting fl but its so hard to keep my shit together rn #shes upset over her dad and low key taking it out on me and ik we're both stressed to the max #i can tell im having a problematic episode and its showing #i feel so annoying 2 every1 every time i say anything its eating at my brain #i feel like a shit person bc i wish i could do more for every1 but i cant even do for myself rn #i just want to smoke n drink n get fucked up and hav no cares in the world #i wanna drink sossooooo bad but my FL friends are gonna b watching over me like a hawk #i just wanna get away and do fuckshit but at the same time id rather kms than do drugs with those ppl ever again #like 2 1/2 years ago chase came by to help us move shit and he literally handed me a bag of meth and was like u want some?? i said wtf #i kicked him out bc he knew i was sober and i genuinely hate meth i accidentally did it 1 time on new years eve i swear i was finna die #i tried coke that night and i was on acid it felt truly magical i luvvv acid n coke #i just hav a rly bad coke problem but ive been sober since 2020!!!! #doesnt mean i dont think abt it allll the timeeee #sobriety rocks! jk jk this is the hardest shit ever #its just me n my nic vape against the world huh

[featherymainffins]

You know what at this point I feel like maybe I just need to either get institutionalised again or start an internship again because I feel like I am getting nothing.

#sorry after going down a rabbit hole i realised that there are a lot of very vague things wrong with most of my characters #and that perhaps i should make. less vague things wrong with them. #like more specific things #and i understand the theory of a lot of conditions but that doesnt mean anything #thats jackshit #and naturally in my life i have met a lot of people with various conditions bu the sample is still fairly limited #ive met people with OCD; with various anxiety disorders; people with various eating disorder; i live with one ed myself; ive met #people with schizophrenia both treated and untreated; ive met people with bipolar; ive met people with schizoaffective; #ive met people in a state of active psychotic episode; ive met people DID and OSDD; ive met people with PTSD; #ive met people with cluster C PDs and people who have BPD like me and ive met exactly one (1) person with NPD (about whom #docs arent fully sure yet) #but thats all. and its like. cool. ok. no idea about cluster A except for me (STPD) and no idea about the lived realities of the rest of #cluster B and no idea about some forms of depression and no idea about a lot of things. so its like. cool. i sure love not knowing. #its like. ok. do i have to get locked up again to meet new kinds of people or? #the thing is that probably wouldnt help i can tell you right here right now thered be like uuuuuh 50 % ED recovery people; #25 % affective disorders; including like one bipolar person probably; 15 % OCD patients and 10 % of undiagnosed people #sent there for a diagnosis #thats actually literally the average population of a psych ward. been there three times happens every time #i mean im exaggerating but you get me