#ebony.txt

[orange-orchard-system]

We don't really use this terminology when online, but some of us have taken to referring to each other as "my/our others." Not headmates, not alters, but others.

It doesn't really translate well to an online community; nobody else we've seen uses this terminology, so we don't use it online to avoid confusion. But we wanted to make a post about it anyway, because it's important to us, and perhaps others can relate to using personal vocab that isn't community vocab.

We are each other's others. The others who share this body. The others who share this life. My supporters, my friends, my begrudging coworkers who don't want to work with me (and the feeling is mutual), they all other entities to me, and so they are my others. In more clinical terms, they're my other "personality states," and in more outdated terms, they're my other "personalities." For those who see themselves as a part, they are my other part. For those who see themselves as a person, they are my other person. Not too medical like "alters" can be; not too personal like "headmates" can be. Just my others. Just our others.

My others helped me write this post. And I'm thankful to have my others' help.

#ebony.txt #vanilla popsicle.txt #plurality #pluralgang #actuallyplural #actuallymultiple #plural system #hatsune miku.txt

[orange-orchard-system]

Questioning if you have a personality disorder (and, if you do, if it's worth bringing up to anyone) is like...

Why do I care so much. Why do I care so little. Why does everyone else care so much? Why is everything so hard. Why is everyone so weird. Why on earth are these the things I'm supposed to get excited about? Why do you get disappointed when I'm not as excited as you? I get it. I don't get it. I'll play along for your sake.

Maybe it's just trauma. Maybe it's one of my other disorders. People around me keep doing things that piss me off because I don't understand why they don't have any self-preservation skills. Maybe this isn't self-preservation in the first place. But I needed it to survive. Don't others get that? Don't they understand this is how they keep themselves safe? Why are they hurting themselves this way?

Does anyone actually care about me? Would I mind if they said they don't care about me? I wonder when all my relationships are going to end. Why do others try so hard to hold onto their relationships? Why can't I feel anything for my own? Do I feel anything? I feel nothing. I feel everything. Having any emotion is the worst feeling ever. Are emotions actually necessary for our survival? Happiness and sadness are equally terrible, and people caring about me makes my skin crawl.

I can only care about one person at a time. I care about you, though. No I don't. Yes I do. No, wait. Do I care about anything? I care about this person more than anything else. I'm prepared to hate them at a moment's notice. Maybe they hate me. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I should give them a chance. Maybe I should talk things out. Why do others put up with so much pain in their relationships? Throw them out. Cut them off. I'm waiting with scissors in hand for one hurtful mistake too many, even though I know they didn't mean it. It's safer to run now and ask questions later.

I should smile now. I don't feel like smiling. Why don't I cry when sad things happen. Where did my grief go. Am I just bottling things up? People say they relate to me but I don't think they get it. So much of socialization seems like a time waster. All I'm doing is going through the motions, trying to hit my cues, just for people to talk over me and refuse to see me for who I am. How are people this happy all the time? They have to be faking it. Can everyone please drop the fake smiles? Why do I have to fake all the time? All those positive messages about "being yourself" can go straight to the garbage bin.

Does pleasure count as happiness? I'm chasing pleasure, not happiness. I'm displeased, not upset. Anything I could count as a genuine emotion comes and goes too fast for me to know what to do with it. People keep asking me how I feel. There is no feeling in my chest, head, or heart, but my body responds as if there were. What is emotion, anyway? Why is not having any of it such a tragedy? I'm smiling, but there's nothing else to say that there's any emotion inside me. Shouldn't there be something there? Everyone around me is feeling so strongly and I just don't get it. It's as though my heart was replaced with a broken battery pack, and every attempt at emotion is shooting sparks everywhere.

It's exhausting.

(Okay to reblog if you relate but please stay on-topic if you're going to add something. Don't give me baseless positivity and don't say anything like "I don't think you have a PD because you're so nice." This is just a vent post about having experiences that line up suspiciously well with symptoms.)

#irina.txt #vanilla popsicle.txt #ebony.txt #avie.txt #personality disorder #like. we're currently in the process of getting two other diagnoses. and then we realized we relate to some PDs a bit too much #ughhhhh just gonna put this on the back burner for... maybe a couple years. yeah #questioning

[orange-orchard-system]

"I am the gate guardian! Guardian of the... memories... and, uh, switching?"

- A new-ish gatekeeper in our system, after pulling someone into front

#funny #plurality #pluralgang #actuallyplural #actuallymultiple #plural system #systemsillies #just another regular day in this basket #ebony.txt #harley.txt

[orange-orchard-system]

Hey, I noticed you using some terms I'm not familiar with and was wondering if you could explain them? I'm not sure what a sidesystem and celusystem are. Thank you

Sure thing! We coined celusystem, but we didn't coin sidesystem – it's a more commonly used community term.

First off, some systems have different groups of members that are connected to each other almost like they are a system within a system. That's a subsystem! However, sometimes these subsystems are either very large and/or disconnected from the rest of the system in some way, and thus are considered separate from the other system members. It's like there's multiple systems within one body. Those are sidesystems!

Because there are systems with subsystems and sidesystems, we coined the term "celusystem" to refer to the entirety of system members within a single body. After all, it could be confusing if you refer to a system as a whole and someone thinks you're talking about a specific sidesystem or subsystem!

Hopefully I explained this well. You may be able to find out more by going through our #vocab tag.

#vocab #asks #ebony.txt

[orange-orchard-system]

"We can't live solely off of perogies, you know!"

- Takashi

#funny #plurality #pluralgang #actuallyplural #actuallymultiple #plural system #nicky.txt #takashi.txt #yukari.txt #ebony.txt #chara.txt #just another regular day in this basket #food