#even during my ‘nap’ today I couldn’t sleep because I kept jerking myself awake | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mimiangelie-blog · 7 years

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Demons I Love

4:04 PM and my body is slowly trying to recover. The pipe is there in the kitchen and I lay here in bed thinking of ways to try to get any residual off of it. Though I dont know the first thing about using a pipe. I burn the bottom.. it gets black I stare at it as I light up thinking if it smash open in my face. No, my pipe skills were amateur to say the least. It was Caleb that taught me all I needed to know about that. Im sure in the back of his mind he regrets ever introducing me to a crystal meth. But here we are all maxed out. I;ve been up for two days now have not slept at all or eaten much of anything except for a yogurt this morning. How do I talk him into getting this for me he says it;s hard to say no and I often wonder why that is. But in the forefront I don’t care why. I was just relieved when he read to get it for me. I started smoking Monday Night. Carried on Into Tuesday was up all night last night, so I stop smoking at 1 AM this morning. Caleb took my liquor and poured it down the sink long ago , he says mixing math and alcohol is counterproductive and dangerous. Never thought the day would come that I would watch and report my alcohol out without a fight but I was more interested in the Crystal that laid awake waiting for me. I don;t know how to describe to a non addict what it feels like when that drug and alcohol enter your system but I know I grip it hard with both hands and enough is never enough it;s just never enough. After insisting begging pleading and apologizing to Caleb because I just did not want to be alone he let me stay in his room Monday night I kept him awake most the night, I was immensely selfish. He had to go to work the next day district manager is coming in but none of that mattered to me. I love him and my daughter so much but an addict does not how how to decipher genuine love for human versus the need and overwhelming obsessive desire to continue to put the drug and alcohol into your system. I stayed awake in his room all night watching movies drinking straight out of the pinnacle bottle and smoking meth. I did not stop I couldn’t;t and I didn’t want to. I brought my youngest child to stay with my other two daughters at their fathers house the next day. Those little girls only 11 to 9. And I left my four-year-old with them all day for no other reason so that I could use and drink without being bothered by my four-year-old. Yes selfish indeed the drinking didn’t stop I kept sipping the vodka all day and smoking the meth all day. My long time friend came over Adrian. I thought it be a good idea to show him my boobs. And there it goes in one moment my self respect my dignity self-love any of it all of it is gone just like that. But I didn’t ;t care. Because alcohol wasn’t gone and the math wasn’t gone. I kept staring at the pipe kept staring at the bottle and I would think of all the times that God had mercy and didn’t let me die. There was so many times . I should not even be here to be honest. I’m not grateful I don’t t have any gratitude I think about my daughter at her sisters house mu 3. little girls alone all day because my girls father was at work and the thought floats into the back of my mind and just moves around every once in a while popping into the front of my mind that really shouldn’t be like this and I hate myself just a little bit more. But I push it to the back of my mind again and again as I continue to drink and use it’s a merciless obsession I hate when people say why can’t t you just stop. I do not know. I guess something in my body is different than yours I will tell them. Kept staring at that pipe and a bottle of vodka all day as I used it wondering if this was going to be the day that God was going to take me wishing it would be today praying it would be today. I don’t know another solution to make the pain go away. I feel helpless and defeated as I think back over the past six months how my life is deteriorated how I am losing everything how I know it;s only gonna get worse. And all I can do is fire up the pipe in response take a swig of vodka .Around 130 this morning my pipe tapped out he threw out the liquor down the drain way before then and so all I had left was a little bit of weed to try to bring me down. Probably a big mistake my heart rate sped up I so anxious and paranoid I took a few Visterals on top of it nothing helped every noise in the apartment was louder than normal magnified there was shadow people, two men to be exact they moved around as I watched them. The back wall turn into a pink design that rolled forward, gold glitter on the right, purple smoke above my head that I could touch and manipulate with my fingers, the ceiling bellowed down like that was a terrible leak, so far down into the room that I could almost touch it. There were noises everywhere they were shadows in the corners of my eyes things on my legs I would hitting And swatting things away I was coming down and I knew it, my daughter woke up many times during the night I eventually had her sleep with me on the couch I cannot sleep in that room when I’m coming down. panic sets in desperation and fear consume me. I ;m worried about my tests coming up for drugs and alcohol in my program. I heard my daughter whining and crying and I buried my hands my head and just cried useless oblivious. Wasn’t there somewhere she could go wasn’t there somewhere I could just take her so I can come down off of this or find more? The audacity of my thoughts hit me with shame and guilt as I keep crying. She wanted to play Candyland she wanted to play chutes and ladders she wanted her mommy. I was too strung out after being up for two straight days to be able to function to do anything. All I could think about was how the hell can I get her to shut up and leave me alone. I finally had to bribe her with a toy to get her to take a nap with me this afternoon because I was so desperate for sleep. Sleep deprivation psychosis all night and somewhere around three or four in the morning today I thought I was gonna crack, kept hearing noises keep seeing things my body kept jerking with spasms,everything is happening at once and I was so sleep deprived on top of it but it didn’t matter… nothing mattered except for when the next drug or alcohol was coming to me. Certain people in my life I couldn’t do without… my kids, my dad Caleb, Daisy, Sal. Certain people that knew how to grab a hold of me and pull me back in from the hole that I keep trying to climb out of . these of the people that I hold onto desperately with two hands I can’t let go because if I do I won’t come back .

#addiction

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