#fun fact: the trashbrown is a real thing i make when i no longer give a heck

[the-thirteenth-fantasy]

Org XIII + Cooking Skills

Suggested by literally nobody I'm just bored.

Xemnas is spoiled and literally incapable of cooking. He's just been getting the lesser Nobodies to do it for him. This is definitely a problem considering he's got expensive taste and would literally rather die than eat a bowl of instant ramen. Literally the only thing he has some vague idea of how to make is pasta. His attempts never end well and he has an appearance to keep up so at this point he's in too deep and has convinced himself that he can't let his subordinates see him fuck up something so basic.

Xigbar is surprisingly pretty good at cooking, but all the things he knows how to make are like. Super weird. Could he boil an egg? No, but he can perfectly recreate any taco bell crunchwrap with little to no effort. Can he make half decent pasta? Nope, but you can bet your ass he can make Twinkies you can't tell apart from the original. Nobody knows how he is so bad at the basics but can fucking clone a big mac. Not even him.

Xaldin is actually pretty solid at cooking. Nothing gets particularly exciting or out of the ordinary and he's a bit stubborn about straying from what he knows, but what he knows is definitely nothing to complain about. He is especially good at breakfast foods and seems to be able to put anything in an omelette without it tasting weird.

Vexen is not good at cooking. Not only is he not good at it, but he's usually too preoccupied to do anything that takes longer than 10 minutes. If somehow he does manage to chill out about his research and do some Self Care™, he is so damn rigid about following the recipe exactly that whatever he makes isn't exactly bad, but tastes almost mechanical. Like something store bought with no soul in it. He does not understand what the others mean when they describe what he makes as almost painfully average.

Lexaeus is pretty damn good at cooking. He used to cook back at the castle, and between the guards needing to be at peak performance, Even constantly not taking care of himself and Ienzo still being pretty young, he got into the habit of trying to make everything healthier. Said habit is still present but nobody but Zexion has noticed.

Zexion has a weird vegetable addiction specifically because of Lexaeus's cooking from when he was Ienzo. We have seen in the manga that Zexion is canonically not bad at cooking, he just makes weird things to try to experiment with what he can do. They tend to be pretty hit or miss, though. Due to some experiments going horribly awry, there is a list of things Zexion is banned from making.

Saïx is usually pretty okay at cooking. He kinda grew up eating Poor People Food™ and has zero idea what most seasonings are, but the things he makes are not horrible. However, he has a bit of a secret. He absolutely fucking loves baking and is incredibly good at it, but he doesn't want anyone to know for fear it will make him seem less intimidating. Axel has known since he first got into it when they were kids. Other than that only Xigbar knows because Xigbar spies on fucking everyone. He uses it as blackmail for free Special Brownies every now and then.

Axel is not allowed to use anything but the microwave because he burns fucking everything he touches. Dumbass that he is, he thinks he can cook things at twice the heat in half the time and does not understand that there are more settings on the stove than max. After an incident where he somehow managed to burn the cooking oil before he put anything in the damn pan, he was officially banned from the kitchen without supervision.

Demyx is the absolute brokest bitch I swear to god. He will microwave everything no matter how much it should absolutely not be microwaved. The only seasonings he knows are salt and that cheesy powder you're supposed to put on popcorn. The worst goddamn thing he makes is this fuckin thing he calls a Trashbrown. He literally just rips some fuckin tater tots apart with a fork, throws 'em in a bowl with some eggs and and a cheese single and sticks it all in a microwave. It doesn't even taste bad but you can fucking feel it slowly killing you every time you take a bite. Stop him.

Luxord only really knows some basic foods and isn't too interested in learning anything else, he knows what he likes. However, he does try to spice things up by straying from the recipe in whatever ways he think might end up tasting alright. Its a gamble to him and there's nothing he loves more than a gamble. Even if what he makes turns out horrible, he's alright with it. He took a risk and now he knows not to do it again, so at least he gained something.

Marluxia has a vegetable garden hidden in the castle and continuously makes hippy foods out of whatever he harvests. He is constantly disappointed when he makes kale chips because literally nobody wants them except Zexion. Occasionally Larxene will take some out of pity (and to get him to quit being a drama queen over nobody wanting his weird chips when there's Pringles right in the fucking kitchen).

Larxene cannot cook. She gets impatient with how long things take and tries to cut corners. Everything ends up a horrible mixture of undercooked and burnt because she keeps taking things out early and calling it good or getting bored and doing something else while things sit there for hours after they should have been taken out. She's generally content to just microwave some mac n cheese and call it a day.

Roxas has been living off hot pockets and sea salt ice cream for as long as he's been alive. He really has no idea how to cook and Axel isn't allowed to teach him because he's still banned from the kitchen. He's either too scared of the other members to ask for help or knows damn well most of the approachable ones can't cook either. He tried one of Demyx's Trashbrowns™ and instantly regretted everything. However, he knows the Dusks are more than capable of cooking and has been trying to get tips off them when they aren't too busy. He's not great, but he's getting there.

Xion also is not great at cooking, but she keeps watching YouTube tutorials in an effort to learn. She keeps getting in over her head in complicated things she thought looked way easier and they end up... Not great. But, she won't let that dissuade her. Every failed attempt gets her closer to figuring out how to do it right.

#organization xiii #headcanons #kingdom hearts #kh #org xiii #fun fact: the trashbrown is a real thing i make when i no longer give a heck #it is so greasy and if i keep eating them it will kill me #please stop me #also saïx is a closeted dork fight me