#fungal.txt

[grosslyfungal]

while ellie is massacring david's face with a meat cleaver, there's a moment where she stops. at this point, david is more than dead. however, this doesn't stop ellie from chopping him up even more. she pauses to catch her breath, only to raise her hands up again and wail. she is old enough to know what it takes to kill someone. she's done it before. but for her, this wasn't about just killing david. it was to show that she's still just a little girl, and david wanted to take that away from her. she was so angry and overwhelmed that she had to keep hurting him, over and over and over again, in the hopes that she'll feel even a little better, that they'll be even slightly even, despite the fact that she knows that she'll never feel the same. after a certain point, it wasn't about killing david. it was a desperate attempt at catharsis, a little girl sobbing for what she no longer had.

#the last of us #tlou #tlou hbo #ellie williams #god what an episode #tlou spoilers #fungal.txt

[grosslyfungal]

the thing is that joel has spent the last twenty some odd years wishing that his suicide attempt had worked. when we meet joel twenty years after the outbreak, he's miserable. he's doing drugs and drinking to get through his day, he has to dump bodies into fire, he can barely feel anything. after crossing the country with ellie and growing to love her, all of that melts away. he drinks to stay warm. he shares with ellie. he's not dragging his feet in the mud anymore, he's not burning bodies, his face isn't hardened. he's laughing, smiling, cracking jokes and teaching ellie how to hunt. after only months of traveling, years worth of grief and depression has gone away, and it's all because of ellie. he's found something new to live for.

#tlou #tlou hbo #the last of us #joel miller #ellie williams #fungal.txt

[grosslyfungal]

when joel and ellie stumble across the giraffe, joel barely regards the giraffe and instead focuses his attention completely on ellie. it doesn't matter that there's just a giraffe roaming around, it doesn't matter that their fate is undecided. what matters to joel is that ellie is safe and, most importantly, happy. he hands her branches, he doesn't feed the giraffe himself, he completely focuses on her being happy, laughing, just being a kid. now, joel's priorities go beyond just keeping ellie safe, it's about making her happy now. it's about going above and beyond now. she is his life now.

#tlou #tlou hbo #joel miller #ellie williams #tlou spoilers #the last of us #fungal.txt

[grosslyfungal]

joel emotionlessly throwing the corpse of a boy into a fire in the beginning of the show sets up how tender joel will become with ellie later on. when joel is asked to throw the boy into the cremation pit, he obliges with little thought or emotion. he knows that if the lady won't do it, he'll have to. he doesn't carry the boy with any sort of gentleness, nor does he give any parting words. the boy just gets thrown in, and that's that. this is joel's introduction: he is a cold, heartless man, who is so wrung out by grief that he doesn't feel anything when he has to carry a dead child and throw his body into a fire. he is unfeeling and hardened.

as joel and ellie make their way across the country, they slowly become more comfortable with one another, and that's reflected in their body language. it starts with joel allowing ellie to rest on his back while they're riding the horse together. then, joel doesn't protest when ellie sleeps right on his chest, and he actually tries to reach out to her. then, he holds ellie's face gently after he finds her covered in blood to soothe her. he hugs her close to him; it's only the third time we've seen him show love physically in the entire show (sleeping with tess and hugging tommy are the first two). and finally, it ends with joel massacring an entire hospital full of people, only to tenderly pick up ellie by her legs and the back of her neck so he can get them both out of there. it's so clear that he doesn't want to hurt her, that he's deathly afraid of doing so. even though ellie is incredibly abrasive, he's gentle with her in the same way he was gentle with sarah.

when we first meet joel after sarah's death, he carries a boy bridal style and throws him into a fire, emotionlessly and rough. it's just another miserable day to him. in one of our last scenes with joel, he carries ellie bridal style through the hospital as gently as he can, panicked by the thought that she could be hurt and he would be at fault. ellie has made joel tender and gentle in an extreme way, as shown by the parallels between both situations of joel carrying a child.

#tlou #tlou hbo #joel miller #ellie williams #the last of us #he is so. #fungal.txt

[grosslyfungal]

in the final scene of episode eight (when we are in need), ellie and joel are leaning on each other as they walk away from the burning restaurant. joel is leaning on ellie because he's halfway to death; his stitched up stab wound is still delicate, and he hasn't had anything to really eat or drink in a while. ellie is leaning into joel because she's shell shocked; she can't comprehend what's going on around her. but really, they're leaning on one another for more than that. as of now, they cannot survive without each other, and that goes beyond their physical needs. joel needs to protect ellie, so he towers over her with his body and gives her his jacket. he has to hold her, keep her close, to make sure that she's all there. ellie has to lean into joel because she's realized that she is not safe on her own. the threat of another man potentially assaulting her is now out there. but while she leans into joel, she also has to hold him up. she is now joel's reason for living, for fighting, so if she goes down, he will go with her. she is now just as responsible for joel as joel is responsible for her. they don't care how much it hurts, how much pressure it puts on their shoulders. they need each other now more than ever, they need that love to keep them alive, to keep each other alive.

#the last of us #tlou #tlou hbo #joel miller #ellie williams #tlou spoilers #fungal.txt

[grosslyfungal]

david saying that ellie has a violent heart is another example of him projecting onto ellie, but ellie takes it as a challenge. ellie isn't a particularly violent person. she has a smart mouth and she's very smart, but she doesn't go out of her way to kill people and often lets joel kill people for her. she doesn't even know how to skin and gut an animal based on joel's remarks to her about it. of course, david doesn't know any of this, and just projects himself onto ellie, trying to make her agree with him. ellie doesn't like being compared to david at all because he's evil. david saying that she has a violent heart, just like him, is an insult, and one that makes ellie feel small. because she hates that feeling, she lashes out, and breaks david's fingers. she doesn't have a violent heart and knows it, but acts as if she does to scare david. ellie doesn't want to be violent, she is forced to be.

#the last of us #tlou #tlou hbo #ellie williams #tlou spoilers #fungal.txt

[grosslyfungal]

joel has not said the words "baby girl" in nearly twenty years. he's a rather closed off man, and it's safe to say that he didn't use it as a term of endearment toward tess. he hadn't said those words in twenty years, but the moment he saw ellie's face after she stumbled out of that burning building, he said it. after calming her down, he said it. he didn't have to think about it, he didn't stop himself after, he didn't push her away. he saw that ellie was in pain, he saw that something in her eyes was gone, a part of him, a very human and fatherly part of him, saw that ellie had lost something. he knew that she had nearly been assaulted. a man who has never comforted anyone that small in twenty years, pulled her toward him and called her baby girl. it was automatic, muscle memory. ellie was his daughter in that moment. the brain may lapse, but the body never forgets.

#the last of us #tlou #tlou hbo #joel miller #oh how i HURT #tlou spoilers #fungal.txt

[grosslyfungal]

joel's "do you trust me" in episode five is not just a question, but also his display of trust to her. basically, he trusts that she will follow the path he'll clear for her. he trusts that she'll be smart enough to not get herself killed. he trusts that she'll make good decisions. it's joel's first real display of trust in her, and ellie proves that she can handle it. it's another display of vulnerability between the two. joel is just as vulnerable as ellie is; trust in and of itself is vulnerable. they are all that the other has, so to trust so deeply is risky. but they do it anyway. they care about each other enough to run that risk

#tlou #tlou hbo #joel miller #ellie williams #this is kindof all over the place?? #but i hope it makes sense #fungal.txt

[grosslyfungal]

when joel finds ellie shell shocked and covered in blood that isn't hers, stumbling out of a burning building into the snow, all he can tell her is that she's okay, that it's over. all he can do is hold her, give her his jacket, and walk her away from the situation. really, he can't help her at all. he can't take this experience away from her. he can't make her forget, he can't get her to truly calm down, he can't get her to talk it out. all he can do is tell her that she's okay, all he can do is lie the way a father can, lie the way someone who loves you can. it's not that joel doesn't want to or won't protect her, but that he can't always protect her, that he's essentially destined to fail her. all he can do is lie. all he can do is tell her that she's okay. all he can do is give her his jacket. and even though it's a lie, even though ellie is smart enough to know that it's a lie, it's enough. it's more than enough for ellie. it's a lie, but it's what she needs. it's a lie, but it's a lie wrapped in love. it's one ellie chooses to believe, and it's one joel chooses to tell. it's a lie, but the love isn't.

#the last of us #tlou #tlou hbo #joel miller #ellie williams #tlou spoilers #fungal.txt

[grosslyfungal]

joel isn't stupid. when he saw that woman who looked like sarah, part of him knew that it wasn't actually her. she had been gone for over twenty years, and joel's entire life had stopped as a result, so there's no way for him to forget. joel isn't stupid, but he is desperate. you can see it very clearly in his face; he's allowing himself to believe that the woman with the curly hair could be sarah. he's desperate for answers, for why sarah had to die, why he wakes up every morning with a grand feeling of loss in his chest, why he can't be good enough to keep ellie safe, why he's never been good enough to keep anyone safe. he's desperate to feel the love he felt and still feels for his daughter. he's desperate, so he'll allow himself to indulge in the thought that sarah is still alive, even if it's only for a moment, even if it's fruitless, even if the fantasy is broken by the woman turning around. he needs that bit of hope to keep going. joel isn't stupid. he's a hardened, cold man. but his love for his daughter softens all of that to reveal a desperate, grieving father.

#tlou #tlou hbo #joel miller #this scene was EVERYTHING #fungal.txt

[grosslyfungal]

ellie was never truly okay with dying. she had planned to go with joel "anywhere he wanted to go." she had been passively suicidal throughout her journey, knowing that she was going to die, but still not being completely okay with it due to her attachment to joel. to her, dying was just "it is what it is." she didn't want it, she didn't plan for it. she just knew that it was going to happen; she knew that she was a martyr. she didn't feel as if she had free will. ultimately, joel granted her the best outcome: allowing her to live and make her own choices from that point forward.

#tlou #tlou hbo #the last of us #ellie williams #joel miller #tlou spoilers #fungal.txt

[grosslyfungal]

joel telling ellie that she has become his reason for living and not commiting suicide is a giant double edged sword. on one hand, it puts an immense amount of pressure on ellie to take care of him in some way. she's been doing that for a while, in fairness, but she was making those choices on her own; joel didn't pressure her (intentionally or not) to do anything. on the other hand it gives her the satisfaction of saving someone, which is something she's always wanted, after repeatedly failing at doing so from her own perspective. it lets her know that she is more than "just cargo," that she is family just as much as sarah was. joel has simultaneously hurt and loved ellie in the grandest way possible.

#tlou #tlou hbo #the last of us #joel miller #ellie williams #tlou spoilers #suicide tw #fungal.txt

[grosslyfungal]

joel giving ellie a choice to either go with him or go with tommy was for ellie just as much as it was for him. joel wanted to give ellie the freedom of making a choice, but it was more for him to be sure that ellie wanted him. joel felt that he wasn't the best person for ellie due to his physical and mental issues. he can't sleep well, he's half deaf (according to him), he's frozen in fear more often than not, his heart is literally hurting from grief. and yet, ellie still picked him. he still wanted to be sure that ellie would pick him over anyone else. for joel, it was confirmation that ellie wanted to be with him, even if he was, in part, a liability to his survival.

#tlou #tlou hbo #joel miller #THIS EPISODE IS EVERYTHING #tlou spoilers #fungal.txt

[grosslyfungal]

"just because life stopped for you doesn't mean that it has to stop for me" was quite possibly the most heartbreaking quote from the entire episode, especially after joel reveals that he feels as if his heart literally stops due to the amount of grief he's carried with him for twenty years. joel could not imagine his life without sarah, and once she died, he lacked purpose. he felt as if he was a failure and couldn't fathom another way of truly living. joel saw a girl who looked like sarah and literally couldn't think clearly, couldn't hear, couldn't walk at a good pace. life stopped for joel because his heart stopped the moment sarah died. he has not found another way to keep it beating, and anything that reminds him of how powerless he was the day sarah died renders him frozen and defenseless. joel doesn't know how to keep moving with so much grief in his heart.

#tlou #tlou hbo #joel miller #he makes me so so sad #fungal.txt #tlou spoilers

[grosslyfungal]

joel revealing that he attempted suicide after sarah's death completely recontextualizes his interaction with henry after sam's death. part of his fear, of course, came from the fact that henry was clearly distressed and armed. but the other major half of his fear came from how his situation almost directly paralleled henry's. although joel did not kill sarah, he watched her die and felt as if he had nothing else to live for. he felt like it was truly his time to go; he even said that he was ready. all of that changed when he grew closer with ellie, and he knew that henry could meet the same fate he did one day. life would bring about something else worth living for, which was part of why joel was trying to talk henry down. he knew what henry wanted, but he knew what henry couldn't envision: a life without his loved one could be just as full of love. joel saw that there was hope, knew that there was hope, and wanted henry to feel that one day.

#tlou #tlou hbo #the last of us #joel miller #tlou spoilers #suicide tw #fungal.txt

[grosslyfungal]

joel wanting to have a sheep ranch is funny on the surface because it's clearly a joking hit at ellie; he says that sheep are quiet and that they listen. but the thing with sheep is that they need to be cared for and they don't provide a lot in return for your efforts. you have to sheer them, feed them, heard them, and more. sure, you could milk the ewes and use their wool, but other than that, they don't provide much. there's only so much meat you can get from them as well. joel's desire for a sheep ranch is a reflection of his relationship with ellie. she is, in part, a liability to him, but he keeps her around, not just for his payment, but because he likes having someone to take care of. he likes having someone that needs him, and he likes needing someone else. like a sheep, ellie can only give him so much; she makes it a point to joel that she's fucked without him. but joel wants her around anyway because he loves her and wants someone to care for. ellie is everything joel wants (except for the quiet and doing what they're told part, of course).

#tlou #tlou hbo #joel miller #i love them :')) #fungal.txt #tlou spoilers