#gallons of salt in the big fat gaping wound. insane.

[piplupod]

me when i realize that pretty much everything in my life has actually only gotten worse since i graduated highschool, and all the times i was told things would get better were absolutely false !!!!!!

#i am going fucking insane. this is so stupid #i had a social life. i had friends. i had a job i could keep up with outside of school. i had a solid routine and schedule. #i had insurance. i didnt have to worry about money. i didnt have to buy groceries. i didnt have to cook every day. #i had enjoyable group activities. i had ppl telling me i was doing a good job. i had AUTHORITY FIGURES telling me i was doing a good job!!!! #i had a place to go to be away from home every weekday!! i had hope for the future still to some extent (not a lot but more than i do now)! #I DONT HAVE ANYYYY OF THAT NOW. I do have friends but not in-person!!! zero social life except hospital out-patient bullshit!!! #anyways the highschool is doing one of my fav musicals that i came THIS CLOSE to doing my grad year #but the vote was indecisive so they did some bullshit that nobody was happy with lmfao #i fucking petitioned hard. lobbied HARD. to get us to do that musical. i worked so hard to get everyone on board #but everyone was just waffling about it. and then we ended up w smth that nobody was happy with #AND NOW THIS YEAR. THEYRE DOING THAT FUCKING MUSICAL. THAT HURTS. LIKE A LOT. A LOT A LOT. #like to the point where i have now genuinely cried after hearing that theyre doing it #that was my one fucking chance in highschool to be part of a musical i actually cared about and enjoyed and i lost it #i had watched my brothers be in these fun musicals when they were in school but for my three years I got NOTHINGGG #it hurts so fucking bad. i had been looking forward to that ever since we moved to this town. and then i got fucking nothing. #and now that im out of there and realizing how my life is absolutely fucked and i have to kill myself then they finally do it. #gallons of salt in the big fat gaping wound. insane. #genuinely feeling kind of shocked. how the hell do things line up so perfectly to hurt me this badly so often fjfkfl #maybe im just fucking pathetic and overly emotional idk victim complex or smth awful #i just kind of want to be done like right now. but i have to wait at least a month before i call it quits so i dont wreck this time of year #for my family for the rest of their lives lmfao #my siblings and dad dont deserve that. my mother probably does but whatever #im tired!!! im fucking exhausted!!! this sucks so incredibly badly!!! #suicide tw