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abyssal-cryptid · 11 months

Text

Still more thoughts about Tears of the Kingdom (SPOILERS! like seriously. in this one)

I love this game

So much

I had to find a guy for a quest but was like

"Im going to check out this well first"

AND BOOM HE WAS THERE

Alao the brown breakable rock break with one hit, blue with two and black with three

Seemingly

Matches the bombs it takes to break them

Tulin, whose village is dying, watching me search for pretty clothing

"Link please my family is dying Link we have to go Link"

The frostbite set is stunning

Finally a hairdo that lets Link have long hair

I hate the Sages

Not really but my god did they make their AI absolute trash

Theyre always in the way except when you need them to solve a puzzle

And if you have more than one Avatar present good luck getting the one you need

I HATE THE WIND TEMPLE BOSS

Not as much as I hated Queen Gibdo but

Why was crossing a spider and scorpion necessary

"Brave Fledgling" what if I cried

Tulin is so good

So is this making it canon that the time 10 000 years ago was still after every other game

I dont know the timeline is weird

But if there was both Zora and Rito at the time of Rauru

This is so confusing

Ive both heard and seen Rauru sacrifice himself multiple times now can these dead Sages give me new info

Zelda my beloved

Marry me please

Also so the only other Demon King we have ever had was Demise so is Ganondorf him or after him

WHAT IS THE TIMELINE HERE

The Sage calls Tulin "my brave fledgling"

Someone call me something so loving one day

Tulin is so excited to be a Sage

He is so happy to fight alongside Link

Hes so happy to save the world

I love him

What a boy

Boys will be boys is from now on only about Tulin

WAIT IS EVEN HE TALLER THAN LINK

Shortest Hylian

I got a third ring

Bring a gerudo bow to this boss fight if you can it makes life so much easier

I havent been to Death Mountain at all yet

Done all other Temples and fully mapped Hyrule before ever going near Gorons

The extra snow melted

TEBA GAVE TULIN THE GREAT EAGLE BOW

IM CRYING

REVALI IM SO PROUD OF OUR BOY *shakes the ghost of Revali*

PSSHHH YUNOBO LOOKS DUMB AS SHIT

I HATE HIM

Was already my least favorite in BOTW

But now he is a major asshole too

Fuck that

Bastard

Im not helping him

Im gonna go blow up his company

If this guy becomes a Sage I swear

I'll drown him in Death Mountain myself

The ember headdress is probably the best headpiece in the entire game

The Ember set is genuinely the best set

Its so pretty

Im gonna go see what these look like dyed

After that beating up Yunobo

But fashion comes first

IF YOU DYE THE EMBER HEADSET IT DYES LINKS HAIR

BLUE HAIR LINK

PINK HAIR LINK

BEST DAY EVER

THE SAME GOES FOR THE FROST OUTFIT

I love Cece

She is the only person matching my love of fashion in this game

I just realised why the evil Zelda is wearing Zonai clothes

Omg

Smart

Or maybe Im dumb

"Oh Yunobo was wearing a mask making him evil" no Yunobo is just like that

This sucks I hate everything to do with Death Mountain

Worst place

I have to use the machines AND GO TO THE DEPTHS??? NOOO

Nintendo you will be hearing from my lawyers

When I die Im going to ask Rauru wtf were the Zonai doing in the depths

No because if youre going to have a cutscene and then make a second cutscene three steps further just fucking make it one cutscene

Yunobo is a "young little rock"

Left that for now

Found Champions leathers

Found Royal Guard boots??

They were in the king's study

King's diary wasnt there so like is it canon Zelda was able to read it?

Misko was a good guy actually, hiding all these clothes for me

Me, in the depths: I wonder where this strange Sheikah tower leads

The Yiga hideout in Akkala:

The only ancient sheikah tech still working is Hateno Tech Lab travel point

I spent some time in the depths and FOUND THE ANCIENT CENTRAL MINE

Fought Kohga

GOT AUTOBUILD

Finally the shrine censor

And travel medallion? You treat me so well

Already had that prototype

ALSO GETTIN SENSOR+ IMMEDIATLY

Badass feeling

Omg Robbie's compendium database is so cute

Got all three upgrades immediatly

Fully stocked purah pad

WAIT THREE TRAVEL MEDALLIONS???

BASED

MY FAVORITE MONEY MAKER IS BACK

I like to kill the hebra great game because they drop gourmet and prime meat and cooking those and they sell for a good price

Horse and bullet time

Many coins

Zelda's memories are so sad

Been giving my friends a fashion show of my favorite clothing

I am again so gay for Sonia and Zelda

My god

ZELDA

BABYGIRL

ZELDA I FORBID THIS

ZELDA YOU YOU

ZELDA

NO NO NO NO NO DONT

MY DEAREST ZELDA

ZELDA

MY LOVE

I am sobbing crying screaming

Im so upset

Zelda being the light dragon is so unfair for her

She deserved happiness and freedom

Not losing her humanity and personhood

YOU CAN MAKE ELEMENTAL WHIPS

Kinky

I went into the strange thunder cloud

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

Why is it taking me into the depths

Not again

Alright Sage of Spirit

I'll make your mech suit for you

That took a while

But owl head statue

Mineru my beloved

Oh.my god this is hell

Worst part of this game so far

EASILY

DONT MAKE ME FUCKING CONTROL THIS WHEN THE CONTROLS ARE THE WORST THING EVER CONCIEVED

Im leaving this temple also undone I DONT CARE THIS FUCKING SUCKS

I hate it

Fuck this

Why do game devs come up with shitty awful bad as hell stuff to do in their games AND MAKE THAT MANDATORY

I just quit the game no lie

Fuck that

I did it and I was being dramatic, it wasnt that hard

Mineru is so goddamn gorgeous

They designed this game for me specifically

I should get back to drawing furries

Mineru holding my hand which is her brother's hand

Tears

Mineru I love her

I have not beaten Fire Temple yet

I just cant

Depths

Darkness and puzzles and fire

Also dont like Yunobo

I feel so bad for Mineru

Zelda :(

Why doesnt Link get a secret stone

RAURU WAS MINERU'S LITTLE BROTHER ::'ÖÖ

Where did Zelda's special stone come from when its a time stone and Ganon stole Sonia's time stone

Mineru I will not go get the Master Sword

Demon Ganon is hot idc

RAURU WHY WOULD YOU

Ganon: "Link. I look forward to meeting him" goes into slumber

Damn all of Rauru disintergrated but his hand

I have to find the light dragon

Eugh

The dragons dont have schedules in this apparently

Sadly

Mineru so was in love w Zelda

Everyone is putting too much weight on Link's shoulders

Fine I'll finish the fire temple

*2 hours later* I hate it here

I did scam those puzzles as much as I could

Worst puzzles

Worst boss too

Marbled gohma

Fucking awful

I nearly died about 11 times

Rip my food storages

I really need to cook more

Special stone for Yunobo booo

Little rock is adorable pet name tho

Ancestor Goron is fine af

WHY DOES NO ONE MENTION THE DIVINE BEASTS BUT YOU CAN FIND THE DIVINE BEAST HELMS AND NO ONE MENTIONS THE BEASTS

Ive heard this story four times now

Fucking hell cant we get anything new

Someone give me a 200k word fanfic where Ganon awakens but is not evil

I need Ganon Zelda Link friendship

End the cycle

Watching Brian David Gilbert and Unraveleds rn

LMAO YUNOBO'S SPECIAL STONE IS ON HIS DICK

We have established this is not a PG channel

Ok fine I like Yunobo

Daruk was better tho

Ive found most memories why cant I say anything to these people about thats not Zelda

I know Zelda is the light dragon

Running around Hyrule Castle for 'Zelda'

About to do bossfight w Ganon

Can I do a flurry rush? No

I just hit or die

Life is like that

No clever tactiques just caveman brain and trying

Evil "Zelda" is fun

Why is Ganon like one of those movie posters here

Why is he still not rehydrated

Ganon I have dick to suck hurry up

"You will not live to see another sunrise" Ganon the sun is rising rn

Woo Phantom Ganons

Fuck yeah

Lets see if I can kill them aka can I finally take on Gloom Hands (I wont)

Ganon's so arrogant

YAY MY FRIENDS ARE HERE

FUCK YEAH

I LOVE YOU ALL

MY SAGE BUDDIES

Not Lynels

Still the hardest enemy in game

Ok so if youve found Mineru and have the Master Sword already, the convo after the fake Ganon fight Purah goes "Youve already found the fifth sage? AND you have the master sword? Why didnt you say so before"

Usually youd get quests for those

It was funny

Why is the limit of horses I can have ten ::((

The Charged shirt is actually so so slutty I love it

IT GLOWS IN THUNDER STORMS

FUCK YEAH

So I finally cleared The Deku Tree's little stomach bug

And like it is so funny how easy the Gloom Hands and Phantom Ganon become when youre in late game

I was sweating about it and then it was so easy

And Im bad at combat

Ok not to brag but I killed a white lynel. First time ever. Also first time ever I killed a lynel without Urbosa's help

#tears of the kingdom #legend of zelda #spoilers

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blxetsi · 3 years

Note

Hello! I love your blog and writing so much! May I please request modern au dating hcs for Mikasa?

tysm for requesting ilysm 🙈💥

i also went a bit overboard i hope thats okay !!

modern mikasa ackerman dating headcanons

lowercase intended !

college!mikasa ackerman x gn!reader

- eren finds out abt her crush on you. idc idc

- mf may be dense sometimes but he isnt stupid, he KNOWS what mikasa acts like when shes in the presence of her crush,, he would know bc he was one ;)

- anyways, maybe your like, going up to ask mikasa for her notes from last class, or just chatting with them to be friendly

- either way mikasa goes from 😳 to 😐 real quick

- shes very quiet which youre used to so you dont really think too long abt her lack of communication. its literally just you and eren talking at this point

- after you leave to,,, idk sit under a tree ?? erens immediately turning to mikasa being like "okay tell me everything"

- she denies the crush on u 😔💔

- but then eren tells armin.

- and eren has a big mouth so who knows who else he told ??

- so finally, after beating up eren for spilling the beans she tells her two closest friends EVERYTHING

- like from how nice your hair smells to how pretty she finds your eyes. how she loves your sense of style. she just likes everything about you

- erens like "i mean yeah theyre rlly cute but like,,, what do you like about them that isnt physical 😐"

- mikasa starts blushing HARD. and slowly goes to her bedroom in their shared apartment, before slinking back out holding a crinkly folded piece of paper.

- its something you wrote and it says "thanks for studying with me mikasa !! let me treat you to boba as a thanks. youre so sweet, ill see you next class babie"

- erens looking at the note like 😐 mf is this it ??

- armins flipping it back and forth and reading it over and over again

- mikasa just says "theyre kind to everyone. and theyre funny. i just like them a lot."

- erens like 🙄 k but armins all for it

- then they start coming up with a plan to get you to like mikasa back (even though mikasa doesnt want that)

- erens an asshole and says "mikasa i love you and you will always be my number one, HOWEVER. they might just see you as a friend, OR WORSE. an aquaintance. we gotta make u so cool that youre irresistable"

- now mikasa is a bit worried

- HOWEVER. what none of those idiots know is that YOU have had a fat crush on mikasa since you asked her for a pencil at the beginning of the semester 😍 she stared at u like 😐✏️ and u were like "omg thanks 😊" w a little blush on ur cheeks bc mikasa's hot

- i mean,, if you didnt like mikasa WHY would you have invited her out for boba ?? one, who doesnt like boba ?? and two,, doesnt that count as a date ? u didnt know but u just wanted to like ✨subtly✨ shoot your shot

- but that was almost a month ago and she hasnt said yes. so you assume she didnt wanna go

- a few days go by after mikasa tells her friends all about her crush. and like,,, they do nothing ?? what happened to the big plan of making mikasa seem like the coolest person around ?

- it turns out eren doesnt know enough about you to know what you like. and ur dumbass friends aint help either.

- so one day he finds you and mikasa coming out of your shared class, your talking about something and mikasa is just nodding with a blush on her cheeks.

- he runs up to both of you before saying "hey just to let you know mikasa has a big crush on you. and she'd love to go get boba with you 😁👍"

- mikasa gets so red in the face and starts smacking him with her binder. you couldnt stop it even if you tried

- after literally YELLING at them for their attention you just turn to mikasa like "please get boba with me 🥺" and she cant resist

- and then the rest is history 😌✨

- after the boba date you learned so much about her and vice versa. you guys were like,, closer than ever. always going to her apartment or her coming to your dorm

- you guys would have sleepovers very frequently. nothing ever happens but you two like being so close with each other

- and you guys do a lot together when you arent busy with school or work or friends

- mikasa takes you to cool museums and art galleries

- you take her to cool shops downtown and parks

- its so fun

- but you cant help but wonder if youre dating or not ?? like do you have the right to call mikasa your gf ?? you guys havent kissed on the lips but she always kisses your head when you cuddle, and you always take each other out on dates

- on the day you finally bring it up during one of your sleepovers. shes on her back and youre almost on top of her with your arms around her shoulders and your face smushed into her chest

- u just kinda mumble "are you my girlfriend ?"

- and its SILENT.

- u start freaking out bc "omg she doesnt like me 😁👍 im gonna cry"

- until she just quietly says. "yes."

- OFNWIDNKWSMWKKWKALSMQLSME

- ur gonna marry this girl 😐

- her love language ?? definitely acts of service. idc idc.

- when u sleep over shes making you tea without u asking. (u said u liked lavender tea ONCE and this bith got a whole container 😭😭)

- when you have movie nights with her, eren, and armin she always chooses a movie you like ("no we arent watching the florida project again armin cried last time" "yeah but y/n loves it so" "this feels like oppression mikasa" "okay and ?")

- is also very protective. she hears mfs in the halls talking shit about you ?? shes shutting them up with her glare

- also u know how isayama made her goth in his like, highschool thingy ?? yeah 😍

- #gothmikasasupremacy

- she makes her eyeliner and shadow messy on purpose.

- you love just laying her down on her bed and straddling her, just leaning over and doing her makeup for her (jules and anna tease 🙈✨)

- sometimes you guys go to thrift stores and pick out outfits for each other

- one time you found this GORGEOUS floral sundress and she physically shivered from the thought of wearing

- tried it on and looked SO BEAUTIFUL, but it wasnt her style 😐

- also doesnt tell her parents about you ?? not bc shes embarassed or anything but just because she knows her dad is gonna be like "who are they ? what are they like ? where do they live ? whats their major ? where are they from ? whats their zodiac sign ?"

- he doesnt do it to play the "overprotective dad" role but because hes genuinely curious and excited

- she brings you home for the first time and youre so surprised because this tall blond man is her FATHER ?? she looks so much like her mom though its not even funny

- for dinner her mom and dad made traditional japanese food 😭😭 it was so good omfg

- also this has nothing to do with dating headcanons but mikasa used to live off of lunchables as a kid. was literally addicted to the rubber like ham 😍

- her mom is so sweet, and she shows you all of the stuff she's embroidered all these years

- her dad is so extroverted, he loves telling dad jokes. you find them HILARIOUS but mikasa sits there like 😐👍

- he DEMANDS you guys play scrabble. he says it help him figure out who you are as a person. now youre scared 😁👍

- anyways

- you love giving her little kisses on her lips because one, you get some of her moisturizing lip gloss on your lips and two, she blushes SO HARD

- one time you two were on a date and you ran into her ex. whos literally so scary

- her name is annie and shes blonde and muscular and rlly hot but has that same blank stare as mikasa

- you feel kinda weird bc how did she go from being with ANNIE to you ??

- you ask her abt it and shes like "oh yeah we dated in our last year of high school. im much happier with you" and now youre feeling all giggly and happy bc mikasa doesnt lie 😭😭

- u roll around on her bed with your cheeks squished together to hide your blush bc you feel so good that she said that

- she just rolls her eyes before getting on top of you and taking your hands away from your face

- she gives u kisses all over before putting the final one on your lips. its such a soft and sweet moment with just the two of you, you cant help but confirm what youve already thought:

youre gonna marry her one day.

a/n

i REAAALLLLYYYY enjoyed making this oml. i hope u all enjoyed this !! remember: requests r open for anything aot OR u can give me ideas for other fandoms to write for

kk goodbye friends 🤩🤩🤩

#attack on titan headcanons #attack on titan #attack on titan x reader #mikasa ackerman #mikasa ackerman x reader #eren jaeger #eren yeager #armin arlert #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman #shingeki no kyojin #shingeki no kyoujin imagine

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beeluvsbunni · 4 years

Text

this shit long

tw: drugging, kidnapping, manupilation, i think age regression? i dont know if i wrote this well enough for it to be considered age regression, im so sorry if this would be considered offensive <33

inspo: none lmao my brain is just big

imagine wilbur gets tired of tommy trying to stop him from jd'ing everyone so he tries to drug tommy so he just sleeps through everything and tommy is terrified. tommy is running through a forest and runs into techno. he collaspes into technos arms and begins to sob into his chest about how wilburs trying to drug him and how scared he is of him.

techno begins to run his hand through tommys hair and comforts him softly, rubbing his back slowly and whispering to him. wilbur calls out for tommy and tommy tells techno that they need to run away somewhere. techno sighs and just grips tommy tighter, and yells for wilbur, telling him where they are. tommy panics and begins to scream and kick and cries harder, and techno lightly kisses his forehead while wilbur sticks a needle in his neck and injects the drugs.

tommy stomps on technos foot (not that harshly cause drugs) and tries to run. he goes as fast as possible (about a third of how fast he was running before cause drugs) and eventually collaspes against a tree. wilbur hums while picking him up and techno just watches. tommy just gives up and sobs into wilburs shoulder while wilbur slowly rubs him back to comfort him. they make it back to the ravine and wilbur lazily ties tommys wrists together and he and techno stay with tommy as he eventually passes out. dream shows up just as tommy is about to fall asleep and all tommy can hear dream say is 'goodnight kid. you guys ready to go?'

bonus points if schlatt finds him and takes care of him during his coma

okay have some more things that happen cause i like details.

as wilbur picks up tommy and he gives up and goes limp while sobbing, dream starts following them but tbh that doesnt need to be included.

wilbur ties tommys hands behind his back.

as tommy begins to pass out, techno and wilbur both coo at the sight of his eyes drooping and him getting tired.

you can add this or not tbh i just like platonic cuddles, wilbur lays down with tommy as he passes out and plays with his hair.

as tommy loses consciousness, he forgets what just happened and tells 'wil' and 'techie' that he loves them (OW HURT MYSELF THERE)

while caring for tommy, schlatt lets tubbo visit him a bunch. he normally walks in on tubbo cuddling with tommy, making him flowers crowns, or just talking to tommy about his day.

tubbo still believes that tommy can hear him. tommy can. which means he hears niki and fundy make up, eret and dream casually talk shit about eachother, sapnap and george fighting *all the time*, phil coming to visit him and crying everytime, and wilbur and techno apologizing. and schlatt and dream and literally everyone else of the server beating up wil and tech.

OW I HURTED MYSELF WITH THAT

more :DD

techno and wilbur call tommy 'bubba' as they talk to him (I LOVE PEOPLE CALLING OTHER PEOPLE BUBBA OKAY SHDJVSHSJVSK) while he passes out. also whlle hes in a coma.

tommy hates to admit it but he still trusts wilbur, dream, and techno with his life

phil beats the fuck outta techno, wilbur, and dream

imagine that in a different ending tommy wakes up to techno and wilbur laying on either side of him, hugging him while they talk boredly. theyre covered in soot (haha wil) and ash but look happy. tommy asks what they did as he tries to sit up and gasps as he realizes that he cant and his hands are tied behind his back. he tries to squirm but gives up as techno and wilbur laugh at him. he doesnt really remember what happened and his speech is slurred so techno and wilbur come to the conclusion that tommy is still drugged up a bit. they tell him to go back to sleep and he listens.

after he wakes up again, his arms are untied and wilbur is gone but techno is still laying behind him. he asks what happened, again, and this time techno answers him, telling him about wilbur drugging him, how they did it to protect him, and how they blew up manberg. tommy goes into shock and starts crying, and manages to ask about tubbo.

techno tells tommy that he's lucky that wilbur has a shred of his sanity left, because the three of them, techno, wilbur, and dream, decided to spare tubbo, eret, niki, and anyone who didnt die from the explosion. luckily, schlatt was the closest to the bigger blast, so he was the only one that died. but george, sapnap, and quackity are all dying from their injuries and might not make it. but they probably will.

tommy breaks down and begins sobbing, causing wilbur to walk in. he looks to techno, who was panicking and helping tommy sit up, and then sighs faintly. wilbur walks over and hugs his baby brother and does his best to comfort him. tommy tries to squirm away but he just woke up, theres still a little bit of drugs in his system, and wilbur can easily overpower him.

m o r e

okay so for the second ending i 'wrote', imagine if techno and wilbur run away and take tommy with them and baby him the whole time. even with their mental health issues they try their best to take care of him, even if that means sleeping in the same bed as him so he cant leave in the night, or if it means having to keep secrets from him, or if it means having to have at least one of them watching him at all times, theyre still doing it to 'protect him' and in their head, its working.

once, tommy cut his arm because a zombie had a sword. immediately, techno, who was watching him, went feral and murdered the zombie by bashing its head in. tommy had a chance to run, but he didn't take it. he felt frozen in place. wilbur had heard the commotion and immediately ran towards them and found techno beating down an already dead zombie and tommy watching in horror.

he starts to baby tommy, per usual, and turns his head away from it and hugs him tightly, quickly gushing over tommy and panicking over his sliced arm. tommy lets him, he learned quickly to just let them baby him.

after the three get back to the little hut they made, shock wears off and tommy begins to cry because it hurts?? and techno and wilbur panic and wilbur shushes him and starts to cuddle him while techno stiches up his arm. they both lay next to him as he falls asleep and for the first time since they left he feels genuinely comforted.

THATS RLLY BITTERSWEET

somedays, while techno, wilbur, and tommy sit at the dinner table and eat potatoes, tommy plays with his food and contemplates grabbing a steak knife and running. other days, he looks to the boarded up windows that he could easily break through and decides to walk into the living room and cuddle with his older brothers.

he begins to completely depend on techno and wilbur, with the way they baby him. his personailty changes. he whines when he doesnt get what he wants instead of nodding his head like he became used to in the wars. he cant fall asleep without wilbur or techno near him/cuddling with him. he forgets how to make food for himself. he forgets how to wrap wounds.

hes used to not being allowed to get himself a cup for water because 'the cupboard is to high up'. hes used to boarded up windows, with alarms on ever door, with a tracker via a braclet sitting on his wrist because 'we want to keep you safe'. he's used to the cameras in almost every room besides his and the bathrooms, that was the only thing he didnt allow and will never allow because 'we need to know where you are, what if you get taken from us?'. he's used to being coddled and kissed when he gets hurt because 'youre to young to understand why we do this'.

when schlatt finds them and everyone comes and takes away his brothers, his family, his caretakers, he panics. he screams and cries and begs for them to not take them away. he's surprised to see schlatt alive because his brothers told him that he was dead, so he thinks hes hallucinating. he kicks and squirms when he needs to be sedated for them to be able to leave, causing a panic attack at the memories that come flooding back to that fateful night that brought them here.

when phil comes to the smp, he does his best to care for his youngest son. he truely does, but its difficult, especially due to tommys now much more prominent mental health issues.

and now you write the ending

btw my friend fear is writing this as a whumptober prompt <3

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twoforts · 3 years

Text

notes for a longform mother daughter blu spy and blu scout angst fic that i wanted to write below the cut

its probably never going to get written lol

also sorry if theres anything cringe in there i havent looked at this in a long while

enemies to friends/found family snowed in BLU Scout + BLU Spy fanned fiction

OCT252020 at 245AM

BLU scout

inspiration:

- Allison Bechdel (in her novel Fun home)

- Carolina (from rvb)

ambitious, loud, secretive*, competitive

*scout knows how to distract from questions by answering questions that werent asked. she also is able to avoid seeming secretive by being open about too many other things. the queen of TMI, she talks too much, so it makes others eager to shut her up, and not pry.

BLU spy

inspiration:

- Allison Bechdel's Father (Fun Home novel)

- [ a teacher from my hs ]

- the Director (from RvB)

- Vespa (The Penumbra Podcast)

depressed, followed by dread, tragedy and death; know-it-all, unlucky (spy is the black cat), spy has issues with remembering faces due to brain damage, she has also convinced everyone that she is swedish

> followed by death, spy eventually realizes she doesnt want to kill anymore, even though death isnt permanent here, its stench follows her. she no longer wants any part in the violence.. she wants to heal, and for a while, she does. but she could only keep it up for so long.. recovery affected her performance for the worst, and the killings of her teammates and their pitiful stares snapped her into relapse. as her mental state continued to deteriorate, she only became more lethal, furthering her decline. the blood on her hands. the cold snow.

Chapter Title / Major event outline

Chapter 1

the meeting / the reunion

scout arrives to meet her mercenary team for the first time.

maybe looking over the dossiers again on the train just before arrival

put emphasis on meeting the spy?

maybe after each character is introduced, scout thinks something non-specific but referring, maybe at the end of the day when she finally gets to her room

Chapter 2-4?

working title

scout getting to know the team members. she tries to act natural, and succeeds. the mercenary shes most interested in is the spy, but no one knows. as scout gets to know the spy, the scout, who admires ambition, begins to hate what she sees. the spy, who is a depressed and broken shell of a woman (to the scout). Knowing what the scout knows, she hates this about the spy, and almost says things she shouldnt(things about spy being her mom), and actually says other things(harsh things about spy and her personality, as well as things she cant really control) and when scout returns to her room that night, she cries, both for herself and the spy.

Chapter 5-(X-1)

- events that happen between here:

the team doing very well with scout's arrival

- scout getting to know team members

spy making progress toward recovering from deep deep depression, but seeing less results from her work

- side stories involving other team members

- scout growing to hate the spy

- spy learning to hate scout as well

- spy growing more depressed and doing better at her job as a spy compared to when she was recovering, and the turmoil this brings

- the team doing very poorly due to multiple internal conflicts

- the team continuing to do poorly

- various chapters regarding the scout's past, each with holes to be filled both by the future scout, and finally the future spy

- ^ including scouts search for spy, and what scout knows about her

Chapter X-(X+2)THREE PARTS

THIS IS THE MIDPOINT OF THE FIC

the turning point / reconciliation

the chapters where scout and spy stop being so awful to each other for the sake of helping their team win a match for once.

PART ONE (X)

a major event or wake-up call happens and they decide they need to bury the hatchet

PART TWO (X+1)

they have trouble getting along still. they have bad synergy and while both are trying to make amends, they dont see eye to eye, which builds frustration in both of them.

PART THREE (X+2)

an epiphany, something clicks, and theyre both trying and succeeding at being decent to each other. baby steps... there are still incidents, but they begin working through it constructively

Y=X+3

Chapter Y-(End-1)

from here, scout and spy have their ups and downs. this is the friends part of the fic. where any remaining malice is squashed. where trust is built, broken down, and built again, until scout and spy become the two people who fundamentally understand and respect each other the most in this world. genuine care is built. by now we know that both spy and scout are lesbians, which they bond over. they go on a one-on-one mission together, that for once, works out really well. and spy. The Spy. First name "The" Last name "Spy", The "i am unknowable" spy, decides to confide in scout, which brings us to the last chapter(s).

Chapter (End) (potentially multiple chapters)

The end / the spy with nine lives

as an ultimate mark of trust, spy tells the loudmouthed scout about what happened to her, something she isnt proud of, but isnt sure she regrets. a large step in healing for the spy, and pretty utterly unheard of. (flashback chapter in the life of the once young spy)

**** ABUSE, FAMILY DEATH, PERIOD BIGOTRY ETC. CW FOR THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH

the spy was abused at a young age, her elder brother was murdered when she was young as well. spy lived in russia as a lesbian. she knew at a young age, she would kiss women, offer propositions and the like. she got caught one day. to avoid being institutionalized, she married the first man she met, who then abused her, and tried to trap her in the marriage by getting her pregnant. Spy kills her husband shortly after recovering from childbirth, fakes her death, and leaves the child, and her old life behind. she flees to sweden, where she meets, and loses the love of her life. she leaves sweden. spy does a lot of misguided living... at first she does her best to check up on her daughter, but only 3 years in, spy loses track and feels like a failure. the first of many failures in her career in espionage. at one point she tried to get lobotomized herself, she gave herself brain damage and amnesia. she is the kind of person who, despite any kind of perseverance or optimism, dread and death and despair follows her... no matter how hard she tries. spy eventually finds herself where she is now, and no matter how many times she wants to forget all the lives before her, she never stops wondering what became of her offspring.

******** END CW

epilogue

upon hearing this, scout receives the definitive answers she was looking for. and for old competitions sake, relishes in knowing something the spy doesnt. then they cry on each other again or something (scout knows spy is her mother, but spy does not know scout is her daughter and thats the end of the fic or something)

#do not tag as ship #80rambles

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littlebigafterdark · 3 years

Note

I'm feeling in a particular mood for some more Logan stuff, (totally not my comfort character who unfortunately is a medium for a lot of angst /s) so maybe the almost-relapse?

the littles accidentally trigger logan's ED (janus and patton help him thru it)

This is a copy pastd from a really long message i sent to liv a few weeks ago, just in case the grammar is weird or somethin!

oOo

context: whenever roman is a brat and refuses to eat dinner, logan gets noticeably more frustrated than with any other bratty behaviour because it hits too close to home to his eating disorder

so...

one day when patton is out somewhere, maybe at his carpentry class ((thats actually slightly spoilers for a big concept for the main blog lol)), logan has both the littles

and roman is bratty and refuses to eat dinner and logan breathes evenly and tries not to worry abt it bc he KNOWS roman always eats, hes just doing it to be annoying, breathe, he isnt actually restricting its ok

and logan was literally holding the baby fork up to vees mouth and suddenly she giggles and pushes it away

"come on baby, yummy time" logan coos and smiles a little but he doesnt feel it, and with his other hand he tickles lightly under vees chin and she giggles and logan smiles and goes to feed her again

but she pushes the fork away and babbles "mo bima!"

and roman laughs "yeah, no dinner! no dinner!" and bounces

and logan is feeling rlly shaky and hot suddenly and swallows thickly and ignores roman, and keeps looking at vee "princess, please open up," trying not to pay attention to how shaky his voice is. "its papa's spaghetti remember? yummy" he nods enthusiastically and goes to feed her again

but again vee just giggles all squeaky and pushes the fork away and looks at roman with a big smile for his approval. and roman is like "yeah vee! rebellion!!!" still so playful

but he hasnt noticed logans chest is heaving a little and hes staring at where vee pushed the fork away and logan was too shaky not to drop it on the floor.

and he looks up at vee and how small she is and how shes genuinely on the lower end of average weight and they need to make sure she doesnt dip down into underweight and thinks about how terrified he is of the idea that if she did develop an ED like he did it would be so dangerous and he cant see his baby go through that and-

it just hits him so so so harshly and hes suddenly crying and roman and vee freeze and look at him. and he hurriedly wipes away his tears and breathes shakily and tries to say again

"vee pl-please just ea--" and his throat closes up, he cant even say the word 'eat' and he gags on his tears and jumps up from his chair to run out to the downstairs bathroom and locks himself in trying to calm down and stop gagging.

and he can hear vee crying and roman - adult now - promising her its okay, mama feels a bit sicky but everythings okay, lets phone nana, its ok baby

and logan is breathing too fast and shaking and crying with his back against the bathroom door, not gagging anymore, but unable to take himself outside

. he hears roman feeding vee, and vee giggling and clearly enjoying the food, but no matter how comforting that is to hear he cant get over that genuine terror he felt when vee refused to eat, its his worst nightmare for vee to develop disordered eating - for any of them, but vee is already very thin and it could be critical, and logan cant get over that

when janus arrives (barely ten minutes later, he must have jumped in the car straight away which is only used for emergencies bc of janus' partial blindness) he speaks quietly to roman, and of course theyre trying to be subtle

but the kitchen is only across the hall from the bathroom and logan hears every word of roman explaining what happened and how confusing it was and how patton wont be home for another forty five minutes and roman didnt want either vee or logan to be alone but they probably shouldnt be around each other right now since vee gets so upset when the others arent happy

roman tries to talk to logan first through the bathroom door, apologising for misbehaving and promising he wont do that again. but can logan tell him what exactly was so bad about it this time? so roman can not do whatever it is in future.

but logan cant bring himself to say anything. he cant tell roman about this at least not yet he hasnt felt ready yet even if its been years and he doesnt know if he ever will be ready to tell roman about his ED

so after realising logan wont talk to him, roman swaps with janus. janus doesnt know the details but he knows theres something about logan and eating and hes made an educated guess from all the fibs hes heard over the years.

"hey, dic" (janus' unsavoury nickname for logan that he insists is just short for dictionary) "do you need a glass of water?"

logans throat is actually dry from hyperventilating and he says with a quiet scratchy voice through the door "yes please"

and when janus brings it to the door he just knocks gently and when logan opens the door to accept it janus doesnt make any comment on logans messy hair where hes run his hand through it or on his glassy red rimmed eyes or on the tremble of his fingers. but he does say "i know it must be so cozy in there" he nods to the cramped cold bathroom "but you might just prefer it in your room"

logan flushes a little and nods, comes out of the bathroom and heads to the stairs, but he pauses at the bottom of the stairs thinking... he doesnt know if he can be trusted alone upstairs. theres another bathroom up there and the gagging has made his stomach churn and he feels FULL from dinner and if only he emptied it then maybe he would feel better right? .... no

so he rasps without turning back to janus "i... i cant be alone"

"look behind you, idiot" janus says and its far closer than logan remembered him being.

he whips his head round to see janus was following closely behind him. janus raises a pierced eyebrow "well, are we going to stand in the stairway all night?" and of course its snarky but its soft too

so logan breathes deeply and they go upstairs to his room. janus makes himself at home, immediately grabbing a book from logans book case and collapsing sideways in logans armchair as soon as they stepped in the room. logan reclines on his bed and sips his water and does breathing exercises and tries to not feel humiliated about this breakdown

every time logan tries to apologise for disturbing janus' evening (he didnt) or asks if janus is sure roman is grownup enough to look after vee appropriately (he is) or insists that he is okay to be left alone now (he's not) janus just murmurs "shut up im reading"

when patton gets back roman just tells him logan isnt feeling good and patton hurries up to see him - and upon seeing his husband logan is overcome by shame that he almost relapsed and relief that his best friend is here and a wave of tears that he tries and fails to blink away

and janus just quietly bids them good night and promises he'll stay a couple hours to keep roman and vee company, but patton insists he stays the night in pattons room (its not safe for him to drive in thr dark) and janus is used to this routine by now that he knows where the spare pillows are

so janus leaves quietly and logan croaks "thanks, old man" trying to sound casual but regretting it when his voice shakes. janus just holds up a peace sign and closes logans door behind him on the way out.

as soon as the door closes logans face crumples and he hides his eyes behind his arm and patton practically bounds over to logan and climbs onto bed next to him and cradles logans head to his shoulder as he cries

they stay like that, cuddling in bed, patton cradling logans head and kissing the nape of his neck and wrapping his arm around logans waist to spoon him and whisper about what happened and how they can avoid it in future

but mainly they just breathe and cry together and patton fills the hours with soft affirmations of love and getting logan a tea and promising its okay if logan wants a cookie with it but logan says maybe later (later turns out to be 2:30 in the morning but at least it really was later)

they barely sleep that night but its all comfort and talking and by morning despite being exhausted, logan feels safer and breakfast goes by without a hitch

oOo

just some notes me and liv made that i think highlights some main points:

logan struggling so much even when he knows that the kids are just playing around and they don't really mean that they don't want to eat, but it's just one of those things that inevitably hits too close to home

it just suddenly hit him! like any other day he can cope with roman doing that, its a small blip usually, but the fact that VEE started refusing food freaked logan out so much bc they genuinely have to keep an eye on her weight just bc shes naturally so small

his emotions about his history with an ED plus his overprotective mama cg space making him nearly go into a panic attack from the thought that vee could develop an ED is very sad and very true

and janus coming right away!! and he and roman handle the siatuation so well, like roman was so smart knowing not to leave logan alone, and janus calling him dic and taking him to his room and staying there until patton gets back

and him crying from just seeing patton because he's his best friend and he can be vulnerable around him is very :'c <3

hes so so relieved to see patton but theres also the slightests "ive let my husband down" bc he thinks bc patton helped him so much he owes it to patton to not relapse - but of course pat reassures him its natural to relapse but he didnt! he caught it in the early stages and asked for help and patton is never disappointed in him

he caught it!!! he caught it and he stopped himself and he let himself be helped by both roman and janus and patton and he didn't even relapse!! and this whole thing is really a sign of how far he's come that he was able to accept their help in his vulnerable state, even if roman and janus didn't have the full story, they still wanted to help him through whatever he was experiencing

#mama logan #little big eating disorder #do not reblog #long post #asks #adorable undead queen #little big after dark concepts

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rqs902 · 4 years

Text

IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS

ITS MY BOY ENYU!!!! ON THE FRONT PAGE???? okay also a big deal for zhaohao and li hao too!!!

ok now into part 2 of the ep

interesting that they focused on junhao for everybody. can understand he probably has the most different and struggle experience so probably more interesting for dramas sake lol im surprised they dont spend more time on shengen, considering his popularity.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA JUNHAO FREAKING OUT over the fact that they only learned the dance for 40 mins. LOL thats the level of tyger + kou cong + shengen, i can imagine the struggle of the yang guang nan hai group in comparison AHAHA i just imagine him running down the hall freaking out like HOW DID THEY LEARN THE DANCE IN JUST ONE CLASS WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE

lollll “theyre all dachang boys” “theyre all zhang yixing’s students” HAHAHAH you know even though he is slightly struggling compared to the rest, he aint bad and theyre all taking it light hearted with laughter so seems like a good learning environment! and he’s confident he’ll get it LOL thats good! i think thats what makes him so amusing

HAHAHA i love how lin mo just keeps giggling at junhao like he genuinely just finds him so amusing LOL yay for making new friends

awww bc junhao’s always been a leader i feel like for him to finally feel like hes being taken care of is so nice. i have absolute confidence that this group will treat him kindly. AW HE CALLED HIM MOMO

im still disappointed they have YET to show zhan yu’s funny/strange personality and this wouldve been a great opportunity bc hes surrounded by friends he’s comfortable with!! like his friendship with kou cong! or akey and lin mo! but sigh...

THEY PUT ZHAN YU IN THE FRONT FOR THE SEXUAL LINE HAHAHHA PERFECT BUT I SEE LIN MO BEING ONE OF THE ONLY ONES NOT SHOWING HIS ABS HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA

wow the lyrics are so fitting for lin mo to scream LOL but also ay his vocals?! aw im glad they put in a little rap for shengen and akey! honestly was kinda hoping for more bc they havent had a proper stage together before and i feel like itd be awesome but also junhao and zhan yu vocalization at the end was on point!!

lol all the kids being like zhang pd’s words are so detailed and professional... sigh theyve been missing out until now

im glad they really pointed out how each member of this team did well! they really all did a great job with each of their parts, and they each got a little part to shine, and when put together, it was a complete performance. im proud of them and happy for them!

aw.... i feel like we’ve been waiting so long to hear lin mo get complimented.... i feel like it’s been since qcyn namanana that we’ve been waiting for him to redeem himself and climb back up to the peak. ugh its been nearly a year and a half. im just so terrified of whats gonna happen next bc im way too skeptical at this point to expect this high to continue, esp with what happened after namanana last time......... but for now, im happy. relieved hes finally getting the recognition he deserves and im happy that hes happy. lol i was also half scared we were gonna get spirit of the knight-ed again with his pink hair (nightmare flashbacks to lin mo and changxi’s deletion from that perf) i dont think ill ever get over that :( i feel like as a lin mo stan, ive been trained to not keep my hopes up and to prepare for the worst bc hes the type of person who just always gets the short end of the stick, it feels like.

aw the part when they go back to the waiting room and jin fan is waiting for them with an encouraging smile and the whole exchange of "帥的真的帥的" "哇~可以吧" "我沒想到" "那必須的" our leader did them proud :’)

ugh the part where luo jie calls them and tells them he can’t come back........ heart breaking. i can see why lin ran and xikan would be really affected. lin ran has been luo jie’s go-to since he left and knowing how their usual friendship involves making fun of one another and jokingly complaining about each other, it hits hard when lin ran says he cried his eyes out. it hurts that they didnt get to share the stage again before he left. xikan may not have shared the stage with luo jie during ip, but hes known him since then and has been with him through both rounds here. it interesting bc i feel like the namanana perf was very light hearted on qcyn but i cant see that happening here, esp with their outfits?

aw shiwei and chaowen taking charge to raise their spirits :’)

lin ran’s voice fits so well with this song wow! i really like his lines! also lol i didnt know xikan would have abs but okay and tbh im always hesitant about dances with props bc it always is so easy to look messy..... like every slight difference in angle in the way you hold your arms is immediately magnified

and like sxl’s fan is obviously broken and having performed fan dances myself i know that that’s like the most annoying thing to happen on stage, and can be really difficult to deal with, even tho it happens ALL THE TIME with those types of fans ugh :(

i mean its super kind of them to leave luo jie’s space empty for him, but its kinda weird to have parts of the audio missing sadly :( and also chaowen’s voice did something weird in the middle there, like its sounds weirdly weak

wait didnt yixing tell them to close the fan? but they didnt?

xikan’s facial expressions are perfecttt, good for him! wish they gave more screen time to shiwei during shiwei’s lines lol... but also i cant help but hear lin mo’s voice during that part LOL ugh speaking of which i miss that team dynamic namanana team a on qcyn HAHAHAH hwx being a brat and fjj running around wild and lin mo giving up on them all just laughing like idiots for hours on end while bo yuan just judges them from a corner LOL i love the beginning of the wenxuan and lin mo friendship good times :’)

HAHAH ENYU AGAIN WITH THE REALEST COMMENTS - i agree AHHAHAH i love these kids too but there was something off about this stage

im surprised but also not surprised by what the judges are saying

o didnt realize sxl was supposed to be center but i guess that explains the big puffy thing on his shoulder lol.......... agree with cx tho, even without his broken fan, i think the fans made them look worse bc it just looked messy

well idk if we’re getting all the stages today but at least jin fan’s is also getting aired! TYGER HUG FOR JIN FAN YESS

jin fan teaching them dance? yes thank you for showing us he is a good dancer. oof jin fan’s just too nice :( hes trying to avoid conflict too much that it caused conflict smh......... lol oscar trying to talk to su er hes having such struggle i feel that bro LOL hes doing really well though, tbh being relatively young, hes really trying his best and is being reasonable.

LOL HE CALLED HIM JIN FAN GE i forgot jin fan is considered old lol..... jin fan really taking the higher road here and im glad they sat together and talked it out a bit

THE JIN FAN VOICE YESSSS hahahhaha kou cong holding the tyger sign!!

oo is that some of his bel canto-style singing coming through LOL

AY NICE for hong weihao and oscar to put in some rap

some of those high notes were a bit questionable at the end but okay jin fan is really claiming that vocal + dance teacher role i see.... interesting

but agree with yixing that he doesnt need to force himself to do high notes bc his voice is so nice regardless!! yay for oscar getting recognition! im still waiting for jin fan to do a cool dance performance sigh

wasnt expecting an enyu feature BUT ILL TAKE IT

oof huang enyu saying hes really trying to put himself out there by going for leader and the realest comment that he hasnt considered getting to debut he just wants to pass this round oof and he feels like his opportunities may be cut short bc hes getting old oof

enyu and chenxu crying watching the movie

AW THEIR HAHA VIDEOS ARE THE CUTEST THING I LOVE THESE KIDSSS so sad that so many of them are at risk of elimination :( im glad these vocals made their own friend group! I hope itll be a memory they carry forward. they do all have shared experiences as vocals on this show.

this reaction to junrong’s voice

same tho :’) but actually all of their voices are so so nice like actually these 5 are all people whose voices ive really listened for on this show, but wow renyu’s voice in particular like really ugh just sounds so pure

also enyu looks really nice in this performance but thats a side note okay moving on

i mean literally these reactions

and li hao crying while singing and so many kids in the waiting room crying while watching OOF this perf has got me emotional

HAHAHHAHA THEIR INTROS HAHAHHA

UGH ENYU his plea just.... the way he yelled it bc it mustve taken courage and it mustve been a frustration on his mind for a while now and bc maybe he wouldve broken down if he hadnt yelled it out but im really crying now.... and its so out of character for him that you know he really really is feeling desperate and feels the need to speak out

lol wait gjm posted on weibo about him? is that why hes getting more attention lol..........

i really hope the vocals win :(

no tygers in the next ep preview? hmmMMMMMmm okay

well also interesting that they put the other 4 perfs with the elims...... seems sketch but at least most of my kids got to go this week ahhhhhh i feel bad for the other groups already. esp the ones with the kids who arent as popular...

#rants

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beihonglin · 5 years

Text

anyway i met bei honglin and he’s an actual angel and we don’t deserve him: a recap

also this is more than 5k words so like ! prepare yourselves!

fhdjjd okay so in april honglin’s hyh brought up his birthday party in his gc and I was like :——) that’s when spring sem ends I could actually make it

fast forward through a lot of encouraging by summer miss @91percentchaoze (sobs I rly owe summer my life) and a lot of anxiety about flights and a lot of other stresses in between

and June 2nd I’m in shanghai with mirthe miss @honglinsmacaroni and meggi and summer ie three of the cutest people in the world!!!

when we get to banana there were already other fans there waiting at the event space and the hyh was giving out seat numbers and stuff

so meggi was 10, summer was 11, mirthe was 14 and I was 15

and we started giving out the slogans and stuff we printed until the staff chased us out so they could set up

and so we were chilling first in Starbucks w the other fans fhdjjfjf they’re rly so cute I was finally able to put faces to weibo handles & they finally realised they were talking to someone who’s actually shit at speaking Chinese lmao

then when it got to 2 o’clock we moved outside near the entrance of the event space (since the event space was supposed to be open to us at 2)

but they got the time wrong and we ended up only being able to go in at nearly 3

which isn’t important anyway bc !!! we saw tangram walking in !!!

okay so we saw this white blob coming out from the main banana building and walking towards one of the side buildings and we were like

whomst

and it wAS JINGZUO JSDKAHFKJDH

and summer or mirthe waved at him and he was like bitch wtf and squinted

like ??? who the heckity is waving at me but then eventually he connected the dots and was like o yah fans so he waved back fhdchdkhcjdjf

and he just walked on what a king ??????

summer was right I was surprisingly more chill than I thought I would be fhdjfjfjjf I thought I would cry but I didn’t

so we waited around a bit longer, got suntans and sunburns and slightly dehydrated

and then honglin walks out

my god y’all he’s a whole goddamn angel he’s not real I’m telling you he’s unreal

I KNOW I said the last time that yanjun is rly unphotogenic and all the photos don’t do him justice but leT ME TELL YOU

THE ENTIRE BANANA FAMILY IS LIKE THIS THEYRE UNREAL

THEYRE ALL BANANA PEELS IN HUMAN SUITS THEIR VISUALS ARE ??? NOT HUMAN

but yah at first I was like o he’s gonna go through the back exit to the event space he’s not gonna come this way

AND THEN HE CAME THIS WAY

fhdjfjfj i didn’t take a video but if I did u would probs hear me go “o shit he’s coming” fhdjfjfj

and mirthe was like I’M GONNA TELL HIM UR WEIBO HANDLE I’M GONNA TELL HIM YOU’RE ASTROFIREWORKS and I was like NO so then we had a little back and forth for a while tHAT HONGLIN SAW FBDJHFJF

I don’t rmb a lot of it bc I was mainly in shock that he was in front of me so I was mostly like :——) heckie!

but he went through the front entrance and the moment he made it inside I lost my shit fbdjfjjff

mirthe sent a picture of me just kneeling at the entrance contemplating my entire life to the group chat fhdjfhdj apparently I said that I wanted to go home fhdjfjfjjf

and then zhixie and jingzuo came out soBS

ZHIXIE IS SO BEAUTIFUL IRL U DONT UNDERSTAND HIS CHEEKBONES ARE INSANE

also he had black hair again and the cuTEST HAT ON and we promptly lost our shit

Jingzuo,,,,, in a plain white shirt and blue jeans and converse,,,, someone PLEASE stop him

but they went in and we cried

and waited outside bc ruotian and chaoze still hadn’t gone in but then someone came to tell us chaoze was off filming for his show so he wasn’t coming & somehow ruotian had alr made it into the building without us noticing so eventually we all went in

and the chairs were so comfortable o my god they swivelled and they were like super squishy I love chairs

and then the best two hours of my tgm stan life started :—(

my god the moment honglin stepped on stage my entire heart melted he rly looked so good sobs

you’re completely right I’m dedicating an entire portion to his visuals

his eyes :—-( are so sparkly my god

and when he smiles his eyesmile???? he gets those rly deep wrinkles around his eyes and they’re actually beautiful????? ;;;;

he Radiates joy like i know i say this so often but their debut song??? radiant??? written For him,,,

also when he smiles it’s so warm like you find yourself smiling along bc he rly and genuinely means it and is happy and your heart just warms up bc he’s happy and i just

man i l*ve him

okay so the first segment zhixie was like “what do y’all love about beibei”

and everyone was yelling different things like “he’s so handsome” and “so talented” and “his vocals” and someone also yelled “he can eat a lot” and zhixie was like ??? bro whAt

also someone said “he spoils his fans a lot” and my god y’all it’s so so true but more in that at the very end of this recap

I couldn’t even say anything rip bc my entire brain was set in English and I was like ???? my god i wrote an entire post about the reasons I l*ve him but my mind is blankity blank

but then he was like well beibei’s great at pick up lines

so he did pick up lines based on scenarios zhixie gave fhdjfjfand most of them were old tsk

but he made up this rly cute one that went like 看花开不如看着你发呆 ‘people like looking at flowers bloom, but i’d rather look at you daydreaming’ and i UWUED SO HARD

and I didn’t realise this until meggi pointed it out after but when they put the scenarios on screen, they used a gender neutral “TA” instead of the gendered 她/他 ;;;;;

then they did this segment where honglin was supposed to go against three fans and do a tongue twister in the shortest time and in order of time they got to choose foods under cloches

honglin did so badly fhdjfjfj he got last place but idk if he did it on purpose so his fans could win

one fan got wasabi disguised as ice cream and zhixie was like EAT IT and honglin was like DONT

and he offered to eat the wasabi for her I’m sobbing he rly is so sweet

but zhixie was like NO SHE HAS TO EAT IT and everyone laughed bc he was so adamant fhdjfjfj i love zhixie with my entire soul

and thEN honglin goes okay y’all know how I posted that picture last night

(this picture)

my god I died when he posted it bc

1) I love that shirt what an expensive look

2) he was baking ;A;

and he made a half-baked cheesecake s o b s

he was like: “since i’m always posting vlogs and y’all always watch me eat I thought I’d make food for y’all this time” and I WEPT

and he was like oh give me a theme and i’ll decorate the cake around that theme

so they pulled out the box again and he picked random numbers

and they called out 4 and 15 and 27 to go on stage and I was like

wow I wonder who they are omg

and suddenly summer’s in my ear going MY GOD 15 IT’S YOU

me:

me: what

zhixie: STOP DREAMING IT’S YOU

me: WHAT

hdsflgkjhdfkhgjdsfgkhksfgkdjhdfgkjhsdgjh

and the entire time i was mouthing to mirf and meggi like I CAN’T SPEAK CHINESE I’M GOING TO GO UP AND FORGET THAT I’M BILINGUAL I’M GOING TO BE BYELINGUAL I’M

and they were mouthing back sPEAK ENGLISH and i was like oK

and then it was my turn and i was shaking so so so hard ????

like i’m so so so bad in front of crowds i’ve shaken my way through every marketing presentation ever bc i hATE public speaking and now i have to go up in front of two angels?????

mirf and meggi were like THAT’S ASTROFIREWORKS and i didn’t realise until i checked the group chat after that zhixie said yAY KJDHSKSJAHKJA

and summer was like SHE FLEW IN FROM NEW YORK kjdshfkahdgjfhagjd

and zhixie was like wait do u speak chinese

and i blANKED OUT I WAS LIKE YES BUT FAM NO

but he only took the yes and was like ok thaNK GOD I DONT HAVE TO TRANSLATE

inside i was like fAM WHO THE HECKITY DO U THINK TRANSLATES YOUR VIDEOS I CAN DO IT FOR U KASJDHFLSKJDHKH but outside i was just ah yes :—)

and zhixie and honglin said something about english but my mind was blank all i could do was stare at honglin like

y’all

i know i said he was unreal but

up close

he’s literally ??? a whole angel like ????????????? his eyes sparkle so much when he laughs my heart STOPPED

and when they asked me to step closer i was like

actually i can translate for u i’m-

and zhixie was like NO THERE’S NO NEED like akdsfhkjkjdshJKASDHK OK

then honglin asked what theme i wanted and i was likE FAM IDK I’VE BEEN BLANKING THE ENTIRE TIME STARING AT YOU

so i was like okay i know u rly like one piece so something maybe one piece related

and he was like fam that’s difficult sadjkfhalsKJSDHLKJASD

but the moment i opened my mouth

zhixie: ARE YOU SINGAPOREAN OR MALAYSIAN

me: uh i’m singapor-

honglin: uwu i can hear it

me: about to die

zhixie (in english): ur accent !

and god yall my entire heart burst into flames like

i’ve said it before here but i’ve spent quite a bit of time being ashamed of my accent bc when i first got to america nobody could understand my singaporean accent and everyone kept asking me to repeat myself and eventually i was like ok u know what it’s better if i just shut up and not talk

and so the reason why i’m so so so proud of zhangjing (and jj) is bc there finally is ?? some south east asian representation and there are even people complimenting his accent and calling it cute and it ?? finally felt like i shouldn’t be embarrassed about the way i speak??

zhixie: when i heard you i was like eh? it’s almost like i heard you zhangjing

and i

Cried

and then zhixie turned to meggi and mirthe and were like yall come from beijing?

like fam what

and meggi was like no we come from belgium

zhixie: malaysian? you?

about ten people correcting him: belgium

zhixie, again: malaysian?

kajsdhflasjdkhfkj

and then zhixie said some other words but yall i was

just watching honglin

his hands are so so so so beautiful like his fingers are rly nice and

his nose ??? work of art

also his hands looked so soft like :—(

he was just bent over the cake and he :—( rly truly a goddamn angel

summer took photos of me that i’m never releasing ever sakdfhaksjdhfds i look so COMPLETELY WHIPPED FOR HIM LIKE

and at one point he started plucking cherries and one stalk fell on the floor and i was like o no so i went forward to pick it up and he

looked up

and said ‘oh it’s okay’ and smiled and

my heart stopped i think i left my soul on stage

O SHIT OKAY AND THEN ZHIXIE WALKED OVER AND WAS LIKE

CAN I ASK WHAT YOU’RE THINKING U LOOK LIKE YOU’RE LOSING UR MIND

AND I WAS LIKE FAM U DONT UNDERSTAND I A M

and i was like ‘idk i’m just ?? very shookt’

and zhixie was like what??? shy????

me: 很惊讶 (very shocked)

zhixie: shy? ? ??

me, thinking: fam this is how i feel when i translate yall captionless vlogs

zhixie (in eng): is this ur first time seeing honglin?

me: my first time seeing you also !!!!!

zhixie, suddenly shy: ah okay thank u

UWU!!!

and then honglin was done and looked up and i might have died inside again

AND HE WALKED OVER AND I WAS LIKE FAM NO DONT IF YOU COME CLOSER I’M LITERALLY GOING TO DI E??????

and he was like ‘oh this is zoro’

the sane part of me: oh wait ur favourite character is zoro???

bc liTERALLY TWO DAYS BEFORE HE POSTED ABOUT SANJI AND SO MY SISTER AND I WERE LIKE OH HE PROBS LIKES SANJI

BUT HE

LIKES ZORO

(my sister, afterwards: wtf i feel lied to)

but he was so heckin close to me like fam my heart

stopped

honglin: i hope u like it uwu

me: heck !

honglin: take one bite!

me: HECKITYHECK

zhixie (in eng): i wanna see ur facial expression

aND THEN THEY WERE BOTH LOOKGIN AT ME LIKE FUCABJS,BCD

FUCINADJCNSAKJDKJ

honglin: is it okay? ;;

me: FUCIJNSKCSADJ YES TAKE MY HEART TAKE MY SOUL

and i finally FINALLY FUNIAJKNSSK FINALLY GOT OFF THE GODDAMN STAGE

zhixie: WHERE’S HER APPLAUSE

anD EITHER RUOTIAN OR JINGZUO UPSTAIRS STARTED CLAPPING AGAINST THEIR MIC LIKE ASDFAHKSDHFAKSJD SHUT UP

AND I WANTED TO DIE I WALKED ITNO A CARDBOARD CUTOUT RIGHT AFTER BC I WAS SO SHOOK

and honglin was like be careful! there’s a cardboard cutout right there! bc he’s a whoLE ANGEL

but also like GKASCKASHDHFAJDSHLFKJ PLS STOP LOOKIGN AT ME PLEAS E MY HEART IS WEAK I’M

my god

collapsed into summer’s arms right after thank god for summer !!!

okay then the next segment zhixie was like o yall know honglin’s position in the group is main vocal so next he can sing something for yall

honglin: actually i prepared an entire song for yall but music copyright means that i can’t sing it w a backing track

bc if he sings w a copyrighted backing track or if he sings more than half the song the livestream video would have to be taken down or something??

but it didn’t matter bc the moment he opened his mouth my entire heart STOPPED like

if he stabbed me in the stomach it would have hurt less his voice is so so sososos ososososososoosososo beautiful ????

and he sang without a backing track to like ????

i’m telling yall he’s a whole angel like he’s not real

and then honglin was like oh i also prepared another song but bc i now see there are overseas fans here i’m gonna sing an english song

and he sang when i was your man by bruno mars and when he hit the high note i think i ascended into the afterlife

about the 46 minute mark here i RLY AND TRULY RECOMMEND LISTENING TO IT SOBS HE SOUNDS LIKE THE PERFECT ANGEL HE IS

AND ZHIXIE HARMONISED AT THE BACK LIKE AHHHHH THAT’S MY BABE MAIN VOCAL TAGTEAM RIGHT THERE

and then zhixie asked if there was any other song we wanted and i was immediately like JJ!!

i’ve been ??? pleading for a jj cover forEVER ND HE

FINALLY PULLED THROUGH

honglin: i’m going to do Those Were The Days bc like the song says (那些你很冒险的梦我陪你去疯 - all those adventurous dreams, i’ll chase them with you), i’ve been chasing my dream and yall have been here with me every step of the way

and i think the moment he said it i DIED like ???? jj is one of my favourite singers and nearly all my faves have covered his songs at least once, astro included???

and everyone who knows me knows i love jj like nini miss @tanqram has literally made a tangram singing jj compilation that i watch religiously ??? and this is one of my fave jj songs?????

and the moment he opened his mouth like ???? i KNOW i said that i died the last two times he sang but

firstly he sounds so much like jj?????

and secondly everything was ???? perfect??????

like i judge jj covers hard bc i’ve listened to the originals so many times everything is ingrained and the moment something is off i cringe but

yall

honglin’s perfect honglin is Actually Perfect

ALSO HE SOUNDS SO MUCH LIKE JJ LIKE HE RLY WASN’T LYING IN HIS IP INTRODUCTION

and afterwards honglin was like lol jj said before that whenever he sings high notes he starts sweating and immediately jingzuo (???) was like TAKE OFF UR CLOTHES LKAJDHSFKASJDHFK

jingzuo chaotic good!!!

also i didn’t know until afterwards when the fantakens were out but ruotian was eating chicken wings and slurping noodles the whole time upstairs aksjdflhaksdjfhaksj why is didi line chaos

and then zhixie was like yall know what other things beibei is good at?

like fam he’s good at everything we rly can’t

also someone in the back was like he’S GREAT AT DOING THE SPLITS and honglin’S FACE AJSDFHKSJDHF

but it was languages and so zhixie was like we’re gonna make him say i love u in many different languages

and i could FEEL marta miss @honeyforzhixie going ????? isn’t that ur thing zhixie jsdgflasjdhf

and so they started discussing languages and zhixie was like o i know u can speak a little japanese bc i know u memorised the entire one piece theme song

and i SCREAMED INSIDE bc we literally juST TALKED ABOUT IT THAT MORNING WHEN WE VIDEO CALLED NINI nkfhakjsdhf we were like uwu we hope he sings a jj song but then we were like o lol what if he ended up singing the one piece theme song instead bc we bet he knew the whoLE THING AND HE DOES KNOW IT AJSDFHLAK

but then zhixie made honglin imitate maotong and say ‘i love u’ the way maotong would and my heart ached a little i miss my baby boy so much ??

but JINGZUO CHAOTIC GOOD JSDHLAKJ ‘could u imitate chaoze too’ jaskdlfhkjd

and so he did a couple different versions like Japanese (he and jingzuo screamed lines from one piece at each other ajdkhflksd) and korean (he took a line out of some korean drama?????)

and someone suggested french (was it mirf?????) and i lAUGHED rip his french vlog sorry honglin i swear i love u !!

and then they were like ok time to play his fan video

okay listen i have to preface this by saying that when i got the brief from the hyh she told me ‘it’s best if we make him cry!’ and i was like ok! sure!

turns out it made ME cry i stressed out over the video for two entire weeks sobs the moment my finals were over i locked myself into nyu’s computer lab until moving out day but still couldn’t finish it so i had to work on it on the plane ride home too sobs my roommate connie miss @ynajun saw the worst of it bc every time i came home from the lab i’d stress about it ???

but my god it was worth ??? everything ????

he ?????? cried??????

and like on one hand i’m happy that i managed to fulfil the brief but also i feel bad bc he cried but also mostly i laughed bc he’s such a sweet emotional bub

BUT ALSO BC HE CRIED MEGGI GOT TO OFFER HIM HER TISSUES!!!!!!!!

like we specially bought tissues before we left for banana bc we were like we’re gonna need them bc we’re gonna cry

BUT IT TURNS OUT HONGLIN NEEDED HTEM MORE AJSDKFHLASJDHFKAJ

zhixie: he cries every year during his birthday

zhixie: but also even when it’s not his birthday he cries he cried at my birthday too

and afterwards in chaoze’s birthday post he called honglin a crybaby too UWUWUWUWU

tangent but on his birthday when he came into the group chat he thanked us again for the video and i Died

okay this next part is purely speculation bc i honestly might just be overinflating myself and he might have done this purely coincidentally but when he thanked us for his video he looked at me and i ?????

when the video was playing nini and marta were yelling in the gc that they knew the video was done by me bc i overuse cc particle world on after effects jasdhlfksjdh but in that moment i briefly entertained the thought that he was familiar enough with my edits to know that the only idiot who keeps using cc particle world was me ??

but also as i said purely speculation and probably coincidence so

anyway you can watch it here

and then they played the birthday video messages from fans and i think i died from embarrassment let’s Not talk about it

but also i only realised it after they pointed it out in the gc but apparently zhixie and honglin were both singing along to the jj backing track i added to my video ajsdfhlaksjd

my god another tangent but on his birthday when he came into the group chat we were talking about the videos we recorded

and hh (one of honglin’s og fans she’s a whole angel too I love her !!!!) was like my gOD i rly am so unphotogenic (when she filmed her video she put a ‘FAT’ over her face sobs but like mood) and i was like yah same lol i had to record myself like ten times in times square bc i looked so bad in all the takes

and honglin was like HH WHY DID U CENSOR UR FACE UR CLEARLY SO CUTE and we collectively died for her uwu !!!!

then honglin rePLIED ME SAYING ‘OH BUT TIMES SQUARE HAS SUCH A GOOD VIBE’ and i died for the nth time ??? and then he followed up by saying ‘i rly want to go to times square i’ve gone to america a lot of times when i was younger but i’ve only ever been to the west coast’ jksadhlfkjshekj pls come i’ll bring u around east coast best coast

but back to the point he was like ‘i’ve said it before during ip (and he did!!! during the fanfan episode where he was talking to the rubbish bin he rly has said it before!!!!) but i rly try my best to remember every single person’s face and all my fan’s weibo IDs’ and my heART MELTED HE

and then it was his ending ment!!

he said something that rly threw my heart off a cliff he said that he’s so grateful for the hyh and fans for listening to him and donating to charities in his name instead of buying him extravagant gifts bc when he makes it big, if he makes it big, the thing he wants to do the most is to donate to children who come from a less privileged family background bc he knows what it’s like coming from a single parent family and ;n;

then they showed wishes from other idols!!!!!

there was wang ziyi, zhou rui, the twins my ip hEART

LISTEN I ??? when zuo qibo showed up my SWIN HEART EXPLODED I ??? MISS ??? MY SWIN ANGELS ????

AND THEN RUIBIN SHOWED UP IN ALL HIS UNKEMPT AND UNSHAVEN AND RAMBLING GLORY AND MY PRINCERUIBIN HEART WEPT I THINK I HELD SUMMER’S ARM SO HARD SHE GOT BRUISES AJKSDHFKSJD I’M SO SORRY SUMMER I LOVE U

and then cHAOZE APPEARED !!!! and everyone immediately melted he’s the softest leader alive i love my baby!!

and honglin was about to say something but ruOTIAN

ruotian showed up w a cake w sparklers???????? like fam???????

and eventually we had to say goodbye :—(

but honglin was like o i rly and truly thought that there would be lesser people at this birthday than there was last year and my heart ??? broke ????

bc the room they were in last year alr was so small and there were rly little roses but he ??? genuinely thought he had so little fans that he wouldn’t even fill up the room ;;;;;;;; bc there rly are v little active roses both on weibo like there are less than ten of us who actively post in his chaohua and at tgm events like they’re mostly lrt/jjz fans and there’s usually only one rose ;;;;

but listen honglin our entire gc would die for you we will never stop loving u until every last one of us is found dead in a ditch

and then we’ll love u into the next life

also after he said goodbye he was like sike!

he kept singing behind the cardboard cutouts and peeking around them to say hi again

at some point I poked my head over and went PLS COME TO NEW YORK and he said something back that I alas couldn’t hear rip

and then he started singing along to jj again sobs

but eventually at some point they left via the back door and I was like GOTTA GO THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT I’VE BEEN TRAINING FOR sobs going to the airport for yanjun and wenjun and jeffrey and ziyi and kunkun rly was to prepare me for one thing and one thing only and it was to practise getting good non-shaky fantakens without dying???

jingzuo rly truly looked AMAZING he rly rocks the white tee blue jeans and converse look jingzuo stans stay winning!!!

and honglin ;;;;;;; was holding my banner ;;;;;;;;

and he looked directly into my camera a couple times sobs and he shot hearts too I rly ???? Editing the photos made me cry so many times fbdjhfjf every time I got to those photos I lose my mind

ALSO ONLY AFTER EDITING THE PHOTOS I REALISED RUOTIAN WAS JUDGING ME SO HARD GHDJFJ my eyes were glued to honglin the entire time but looking at the photos again ruotian looked so unamused fhcjfhfbfhbf

speaking of ruotian my gOD editing photos with him in it is a nightmare y’all he’s either blinking or looks like he’s about to sneeze in nearly every picture fhdjfjfj summer and I generally make it a rule not to blur other members’ faces out of our fantakens but ruOTIAN RLY TESTING ME

but we made it to the banana lobby and I didn’t want to follow them and their fansites in so I stopped walking and honglin turned back to wave at me ;;;;;;;;;;;;;; and i think i died again

and so I went back to the event space where summer and mirthe and meggi were waiting and sat down and blanked out sobs

but it diDNT END THERE FHDJFJJF FOR SOME REASON HONGLIN DECIDED TO WALK OUT AGAIN A BIT AFTER

so mirthe and I were like omg gotta blAST so we speedwalked over

and he :—-( saw and shot signs at my camera again fhdjfjfjjf I ???

and then it was Actually Over god I was a shell of a person after that

still am tbh I’m not sure how I survived sorting through our 2000+ fantakens fhdjfjfj

but I’m so spoiled y’all I’m really truly so spoiled by him :—(

like I said earlier he rly spoils his fans so much????

that night he posted on Instagram and immediately summer and meggi and mirthe and I commented and he replied all four of us ;n;

earlier on in spring semester there was a third party event that Tangram was invited to but the organiser was a MESS and tgm wasn’t treated very well??? but honglin was worried that the fans who travelled to the event and didn’t get to see them were upset so he came into the group chat to console them ;;;;;

and I was talking to another fan and she said that even during other events he kept turning around to wave at the fans and acknowledge them and it’s ;;;;;; as someone who has ?? waited in the rain / stood for hours waiting for idols something as simple as a nod or a smile rly warms u up and makes the wind and cold worth it ;;;; and he makes sure to do it all the time ;;;;;;;;;

on his birthday !! his birthday !! when he was in Taiwan and should be resting and enjoying time w his mum and not thinking about us !!!! he still came into the group chat for an hour and talked to us ;;;;;;

and he named all his sort of more well known fans’ IDs, even the ones who weren’t online and sending messages at the time ;;;;; like he rly wasn’t lying when he said he remembers us ;;;;

also fhdjfjfjjf god I’m so spoiled he replied me so many times ?? like there was the times sq thing and the east coast thing ???

and when he said he was training for the next archery competition I was like “o are u shooting recurve or compound this time?” and he was like “o idk if I shot recurve or compound but it’s the one I shot the last time” and I fhdjfjfjfhfb

tangential but 1) my god y’all his form is beautiful my archery heart: exploded

2) his rhotics are so beautiful too my phonology heart: also exploded

also when he was about to leave the gc I was like “huh but u just got here, why are you leaving?” and he sent another voice message “astrofireworks, why are you becoming shameless too, when did I just get here, I’ve clearly been here for a long time already” fhdjfjdjfn fhdjjd

also my GOD He was reading some IDs and summer and lyla were like what about @astrofireworks and I was like fchjfbhjdf y’all it’s ok he’s alr said it in another voice message two months ago in the gc I’m alr so spoiled I ???? rly shouldn’t ask anything else of him or he’s going to hate me

but then he

sent

a whole

nine second message

“hey astrofireworks, I hope one day I can go to New York and maybe... I’ll meet you there, okay?”

and I ??,?? Sobbed

ndjdbfjvcchhxhdhfh

and then Connie went to send him off at the airport in Taiwan the next day and ?????

I’m not gonna say much because it’s rly conno’s story to tell and I’m not sure how much I’m allowed to say outside the gc but he rly spoils his fans so so so so much ????

anyway bei honglin rly and truly is the sweetest boy on earth we rly don’t deserve him ;;;;; this first week of June truly has been the best week of my cpop stan life and i ????? love mister bei honglin with my entire heart and soul ;;;;;;;;;;;;

#bei honglin #honglin #tangram #贝汯璘 #banana #my god i hope this posts it's so long

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angrylizardjacket · 5 years

Text

ask you destiny to dance [7] {Roger Taylor}

[masterpost]

“What did you do? Ash is more pissed at you than usual.” Brian’s looking covertly between Ash wiping glasses at the bar, and Roger, adjusting the height of his high hats a few weeks after he’d confronted her about August. She hadn’t spoken to him directly since then, but the other band members were starting to catch on.

“I didn’t do anything-” Roger tries to protest, but Freddie’s laugh cuts him off.

“He made a comment about Pocket Rocket’s dear friend.” Freddie adds, having adapted to the nickname with ease, an amused smile on his face as he looks at Roger over his shoulder.

“You mean her boyfriend.” Roger snaps, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Ash tense at the bar, giving away her eavesdropping, though he didn’t call her out on it.

“Ash isn’t dating that guy, he’s like forty.” Brian laughed, but Roger caught the way Freddie’s expression darkened, though he didn’t dwell on it, and Roger’s own smile became knowing and bitter.

“Yeah, listen Bri, I know what I said.” He responded venomously, and the mood around them sobered considerably. “I don’t like him, okay, he’s too old for her,” after a beat, he wrinkled his nose, “got a dickhead aura.”

“You’ve met him once.” John points out, trying to lighten the aura. Roger just bristled at the statement.

“Rog is just fond of her,” Freddie cuts in, voice a little condescending, smile mischievous, “let him be jealous, it might take him down a peg or two.”

“I’m not bloody jealous of that creep!” After a beat of feeling particularly hurt, and Freddie’s commenting hitting a little too close to home, he hears himself lashing out, “And how low do you think my standards really are, Freds?” And that shocked Freddie into silence, eyes wide and disbelieving, his eyebrows raised, as he turned away, jaw clenched.

“You really are just trying to burn that bridge while we’re standing on it, aren’t you?” Brian shook his head, sighing heavily as he went back to his guitar.

“Roger,” John said carefully, coming over to speak quietly to the drummer, as the rest of the band turned away, uncomfortable, “let me get the drinks tonight.” And it’s not what he expected to hear, but when he looks to John, John’s looking over at the bar. Ash is making direct eye contact with him, her customer service smile looking mostly threatening as she keeps polishing the same spot on a glass. “Because that woman is going to spit in all of your drinks and make you watch.” John explains, now looking to Roger, who’s expression was carefully neutral, trying not to betray his own anger at himself. “And as much as I love our dear Pocket Rocket, it’s not something I particularly want.”

She’s definitely gone back to hating him, and he didn’t realise how much it would hurt.

The worst part is that she’s so damn happy around everyone else, and he hates himself for being hurt by that. He’s angry, but not at her (never at her, not for something like this) he’s angry because he sees the way she smiles at him from behind the bar, and he sees the way August spends more time looking at the girls in the crowd, though she can’t even tell from where she’s standing. Roger’s angry because she fucking gushes about August - “He’s just made tenure!” - and yet he won’t even touch her if there’s someone else around. He’s livid because she’s so clearly in love with him, but she still can’t bring herself to tell the others his name because she knows - knows - something’s up with August, even if she doesn’t want to admit it, even if the others can’t see it.

Except that’s not the reason she doesn’t say his name.

“He’s here at every show, we should say thank you.” Brian tries after a gig, talking mainly to Roger and John, as Freddie had been giggling with Mary, the two of them in their own little world. Ash is nowhere to be seen. Roger takes another drag of his cigarette.

“Heaps of people are fans of us, it doesn’t mean we have to personally thank them every time.” Roger scoffed, but Brian made a noise in the back of his throat that sounded like he disagreed.

“It’s a show of good faith, we should at least shake hands with-” and he paused for a moment, brow furrowing, “what’d she say his name was again?”

“Doctor Reid, if I recall.” John piped up, and Brian shifted his weight, crossing his arms.

“Yeah, but what’s his first name? That sounds so formal, like, ‘Oh, can I grab you a beer Doctor Reid?’” He put on a voice, laughing at his own joke, looking to John, who just shrugged helplessly.

“August.” Roger’s voice is very quiet, hunched in on himself sitting in the back of the van. Brian frowns, leaning in a little, confused as to both how Roger has kept this for so long, and what the name actually was. “His name’s August.” Roger repeated, voice heavy but louder this time. Freddie freezes. “She calls him Gus.” He adds.

“You’re joking, right?” Freddie says into the uncertain silence, and that’s the moment that the back door comes crashing open and Ash comes out, grinning, hands in her pockets.

“Hey guys,” she grinned, nodding at them, not even sparing Roger a glace, “could I have my jacket back? You can drop the pants back tomorrow if you like.” Freddie turns to her, eyes wide, disbelieving smile still frozen almost painfully onto his face, not removing the oversized, blood red velour button down shirt Freddie had been wearing over a black singlet.

“Is that man we keep seeing Gus?” He asked, voice scarily neutral. None of the others had ever heard him like this, had barely heard Freddie genuinely angry like this, and Ash’s expression dropped.

“I’ve gotta go.” It’s not the answer any of them expect, nor is Ash turning on her heel and heading back into the pub before the door had even swung fully shut. Turning back to the band, they could all see that Freddie was livid.

“I’m going to gut the bastard. Gut him like a goddamn fish, I swear I will.” He seethed, hands curling and uncurling into fists, staring at the gravel. It was as if the air around him was snapping with the electricity of a storm. Looking up, all Freddie could see was how shocked the others were, even Roger, and he clenched his jaw, forcing himself to calm down.

“That’s the bastard that ruined her life.” He admitted through clenched teeth. “Roger’s fucking right, the man’s no good.” And Roger couldn’t even take the moment to bask in the vindication that would have usually surged through him at being told he was right, instead, his blood runs cold.

“He what?” Mary asked softly, and Freddie’s expression softened, looking finally between all of them, realising what he’d said.

“He’s the reason she was expelled from her last university, and...” Frowning, Freddie shakes his head. Brian, John, and Mary all took a moment to process this new information, shock written all over their faces. “It’s not my place,” and he started on a new strand of information, “he was her teacher, he started a clandestine affair with her when she started university, and,” pausing again, he sighed, the anger still clearly flowing through him, though it had simmered down to a bitter rage, “not my place.” He repeated.

“Doesn’t he have a wife and family? How old was she?” Brian asked, a little aghast, and Freddie sighed.

“She was eighteen.” Freddie sighed.

“She was a kid.” Roger breathed, anger bubbling up inside of him.

“Hey, that’s only a year younger than me.” John pointed out, but Roger turned on him.

“Oh, I’m sorry John, are you having an affair with one of your teachers that we need to stage an intervention for?” He snapped, and John’s face fell, and he looked to the ground.

“I’m just saying she was an adult is all, doesn’t make it right, but she can make her own choices.” He paused. “She seems happy.” Both Freddie and Roger deflated at that, they’re all quiet for a long moment, and without a word, Freddie heads inside.

“Ash.” When he says her name, she looks up with an expression that tells him she’s ready to fight.

“He’s different now, Freddie.” She tells him, already defending herself and the man who she knows in her heart probably doesn’t deserve it. Freddie was ready to fight him the moment he heard August’s name, and he didn’t even know the full story. Sure he could gather the impact it had on Ash, but he never really truly realised the effect August had on her.

“What does that mean, Ash? What exactly is keeping me from coming over here and beating him bloody with my microphone next time we play here?” Freddie asked, voice very serious. Pulling off her apron, Ash told Maureen, who had been eavesdropping on the conversation, that she was knocking off for the night, which Maureen agreed to, and Ash walked around the bar and took Freddie’s hand.

“We’re not having this conversation here.” She hissed, pulling him into the staff bathroom and locking it behind them. “I love him.” She said through gritted teeth, crossing her hands over her chest, looking away. “And after everything I did, I think he still loves me too.”

“After everything you- Ash do you hear yourself?” Freddie takes a deep breath, steadying himself, holding her shoulders, “He start an affair with you, his student, refuse to be seen with you in public, and used his power within the faculty to kick you out of school when you wanted to stop-”

“I only wanted to stop because I found out he was engaged when his fiance found out about me!” Ash cried, as if it were somehow her fault. Freddie actually stepped back.

“Found out about you- He was engaged?!” He whispered, eyes wide and horrified. “Darling that’s nowhere near being your fault. He had a whole town calling you a slut and a homewrecker; he didn’t love you, he ran you out of Scotland.”

“He ran me out of Fife.” She spits back the correction. “I would know, I was there.” But she doesn’t seem to connect to the words he’s saying, it’s as if she’s replayed the events in her head so many times that she’s become desensitised to it. “But he’s changed, I was practically a kid last time, I’m different now too. And if he didn’t love me then,” she looks a little hurt as she says it, and Freddie doesn’t know if he wants to hug her or shake some sense into her, “well I think he does now.” After a beat she ducked her gaze, voice becoming a weary sigh as she leaned against the counter. “Listen, Freds, I’ll keep him out of the bar, you won’t have to see him, but this is my life.”

“Don’t make the same mistake again-”

“He’s told me that Kira’s his ex-fiance, so I don’t think she’ll be a problem.” Ash rolled her eyes at Freddie, who opened his mouth to protest that that wasn’t the point, but she added. “Can you get Roger to shut up? I’m sick of hearing him bitching.”

“Did something happen between you two?” Is what Freddie finally finds himself asking.

“I could get used to this.” Roger grins at her when she brings him a cup of tea in the warm light of the late morning, a book under one of her arms. She keeps using the mug with the cat faces on it for him, he’s started calling it ‘his mug’ and maybe she’s started calling it that too in her mind.

“Yeah, well don’t. You can get your own tea next time.” Ash laughed, sitting up beside in bed, cradling her own tea in one hand, pulling out the book with the other.

“Just show me where everything is, I think I could manage.” Roger chuckles, putting his free arm around her where she’s sat back against the headboard. “What are you reading?” Looking at him with a little surprise, Ash smiles slightly, taking a big gulp of tea, putting the mostly full cup on the bedside table before tucking herself against him, opening up the book.

“I found it in the common room, it’s one of those trashy romance novels,” after a beat, she closed the book, keeping her place with her finger, showing him the cover, where a woman was posing sensuously with a hand on a beautifully painted horse, “but I think she fucks the horse.” Roger snorts at that, his arm tightening around her just a little.

He doesn’t have an answer, just laughs, reading with her when she opens the book back up. It’s soft and domestic, her head on his chest as they both read the novella, sipping their tea on occasion. The blinds are down, but there’s still stripes of light peeking through, hitting the floor with golden light and the room feels warm and hazy. They stay like that for a long while, Roger actually becomes rather engrossed in the story, and when Ash shifts to lean over and take a sip of her tea, he takes the book to read ahead a few lines. When she turns back, she just watches him for a moment, a fond smile slowly spreading over her face, and when he finally looks up, realised he was caught, she leans forward, pressing a kiss to his lips, sweet, her hand coming up to cup his cheek, and when she pulls back, he’s smiling back at her, a little confused.

“What was that for?” He grinned, and Ash shrugged, ducking her head to hide her blush.

“I dunno, maybe the book got me going.” She lied easily, and Roger’s expression turns a little unreadable, though it’s clear he doesn’t believe her.

“We weren’t even up to the hot part!” He countered, and Ash laughed, taking the book from him, but he stays holding it, lets himself be pulled with it until he’s meeting her for a kiss, his hand on her wrist when he lets go of the book to move up her arm and start sliding off her dressing gown. “Not that I’m complaining.”

Yeah, Ash had thought, I could get used to this.

“Hello, Ash?” In the present, Freddie waves a hand in front of her face. Ash’s expression soured as her chest began to ache.

“No, okay? Nothing happened between us, Freddie. Roger’s just being a bitch.”

the ususal suspects: @deakydickfanpage @hollyissuchahoe @laueecakee@smittyjaws @crystalshines2909 @i-am-sarah @legendsaresooftenwarnings@2ptonpt @benhardy24-7 @maiilovely @mickey-yr-a-goner @butter-times@heyyouitskay @tired-eyes-fairy-lights @yepimthatperson @missieluvsmurder @ironqueen98 @ceruleanrainblues @banhbao329 @fantasticchaoticwho @ko-kitty @seven-seas-of-hi @mimisfangirlfantasy @aadjuric @rogmobile @cardybenhardy

#roger taylor #roger taylor imagine #roger taylor x oc #bohemian rhapsody #borhap #bo rhap #freddie mercury #borhap imagine #brian may #bohemian rhapsody imagine #queen #queen imagine #john deacon #ask your destiny to dance fic #mary austin #the angry lizard writes

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chrobinrickhen · 5 years

Text

shit that happened

tw for child abuse, beating, physical assault, minor transphobia etc ///

my parents have been abusive to me my whole life. from things starting small with my mom treating me as her spouse and talking to be about things a parent shouldnt talk about with their as young as 3 year old child during times she was in fights with my dad, to while i was younger primarily beating me for simply crying at things (mainly in public places), the total and complete gaslighting of my abusive 5th grade teacher (which was somehow far worse than them lol) etc. however, they never seriously beat me before, as in, all out beating me up with continuous punches kicks and thrashing.

my mom would frequently slap me in the face or punch me once in the back at times as of recent during my years in high school where i struggled to my near (literal) hospitalization and death from mere over exhaustion and stress (i averaged less than 4-5 hours of sleep for all 4 years and my senior year i nearly didnt sleep At All) during my senior year my dad even threatened to kill me during one of my parents outbursts against me simply trying to reason (more like beg! lol!) for them to help me drop out of school because it was destroying me and was more and more traumatizing literally every day and they thought they were justified because “i was so close!” “youve already suffered for so long may as well stick it through!” despite my therapist and psychologist doing the best they can to tyr and get me out. my parents have punched a whole in the wall, thrown and broke things, (thankfully not at me) and simply just been physically threatening with destroying things important to me and my belongings.

however, after i graduated. and after i was diagnosed with ptsd. and after they seemed to become more understanding and learning from their mistakes i thought they were genuinely open to becoming better people and challenging themselves to listen to me and others.

this incidence proved that wrong.

itd been 2 years give or take i genuinely dont even remember what year i graduated lol since he threatened to kill me. i thought they changed and genuinely had formed trust with them that was slowly growing. and then somehow or another the topic of asylum seekers, ice, and the current concentration camps came up, to which my parents responded with some of the genuinely most vile words ive ever heard people say to my face. i dont even want to try and repeat it here bc im pretty sure you can get the idea. i calmly tried to talk to them, they started to scream, i went up stairs. they continued to shout horrible things to me, that again, im skipping over for my own wellbeing bc it isnt exactly fun to recount. something something “you havent sufferred through shit” she said to me at one point. yes, your child who has been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, general anxiety disorder, depression, panic disorder, ptsd, ocd, eating disorder general symptoms, a survivor of school abuse spanning my whole life for not being neurotypical and cishet, and a pending diagnosis for adhd, TOTALLY has not suffered.

anyway, i wanted to die. what they said to me, was so horrific i really just, wanted to die, i kind of lied about it on twitter saying im not actually suicidal dont worry but i highkey was and i dont wanna try and cover that up again. i just didnt want anyone to worry (IM OKAY NOW AND NOT SUICIDAL DONT WORRY this if anything was a good lesson for me to learn) anyway, i told them this. i knew it was kind of shitty and guilty but all i asked of them. is that even if they cannot agree with me, if they would at least care to listen to why this is wrong and accept that they dont know everything like they are convinced they do and yet accuse me of claiming i myself am.

i texted them, that long thing, telling them how i would stay in bed and not eat or drink (for context my sleep schedule was fucked the two days prior and i barely had eaten or drinken) my memory is fucked and i would have to check with my therapist if im confusing this with another instance bc im pretty sure the beating happened the day the argument did but i also remember staying in bed for mulitple days? but anyway thats not important fhdiujng so. they came to me and started screaming shit at me. again. horrible shit. their response to their child saying “im suicidal and would rather die than you be my parents any longer if you refuse to listen to why these people deserve to not be put in cages and die” and their reaction was not concern but screaming, insults, calling me a monster, a puppetmaster (the irony) and I DID NOT. SAY. A WORD. TO THEM. I DID NOT MOVE> i was. completely. still. the entire time. i was weak. i was sick. Literally from dehydration and starvation. and because i did not answer them back they jumped ontop of me and my mom beat the shit out of me and chokeheld me, my dad then also did the same even though he did not hit me, he came close to strangling me before leaving the room. i was swollen and bruised all over including my face it was super visible for whatever reason but my body hurt like a motherfucker for over a week since that happened. i just cried when they left

then an hour later after htey beat me they came up and starting their baby uwu act of “i dont want to fight just go shower and come down and eat your dinner blablabla you know we love you rihgt?” and forcing me to apologize to them whenmy mom literally beat me, my dad screamed in my face with his nose to mine to and they helf my neck in their hands with the intent to cause physical harm to me.

proceeding this the aftershock of trying to process what hat happened was just. a lot as you can imagine. i was so paranoid and uncomfortable the week preceeding this just being aorund them hearing their voices literally everything about my house and them living in it was horrifying to me. my therapist helped me a lot and im ok now but like. they proved to me that they really just cannot be helped. theyre a lost cause. at this point to me, the only thing they are are a financial source to cover my transition and im left with no choice but to force myself to play the puppet. i tried to do a mix of both working with and against them before and it blew up in my face. it sucks but thats what it is and as long as obey their shitty asses ill be fine. i dont know where my future will go but i know and pray that it cannot and will not be with them. the moment i am away from them and my belongings are not in their possession they no longer exist to me unless they genuinely will accept the fact theyre the 2nd reason my ptsd exists.

tl;dr my parents suck and im forced to play their child puppet in order to literally survive their love of me is toxic and based on a false perception of what a child is supposed to be and i regret not calling child protective services on them whe n i had the chance

#child abuse #abuse #tw child abuse #tw abuse #tw violence

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minblush · 6 years

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Youre one of the only fans I know that really makes me think “deep” haha. There would be times where I wouldnt want to read your opinions not that theyre wrong but because I start feeling negative towards the boys (cos you speak some real af shit) and it makes me feel guilty 🤕 just a weird feeling of disconnect. But I think its healthy to think about these things rather than eating up everything they throw towards us. (1/?)

smoljwimin said:I see fans be so oblivious and fight over petty things when theres actual issues regarding bangtan and BH. Like Alot of them were ok with the nicki issue. If it werent for you voicing it out I wouldve never known there was an issue. Ive never been one to think about these things, I just listen to music and keep it moving but because bts titled themselves as socially aware you cant look past their fuckups. (2/?)

smoljwimin said:Also Idk if its just me but I feel so annoyed when fans call them woke kings haha that to over tiny things. If they wear rainbow coloured clothes then theyre lgbt woke when its their stylists dressing them up and besides yoongi none of them have said anything on it. The list goes on. Regardless of it all, I love the boys and them only so much, like others theyve helped me get (3/?)

smoljwimin said:through my shit so I hope I can disconnect enough where these things stop bothering me but not so much that my love for them dissipate ykwim? Cos idk myself lol. Idk why im telling you this, I just feel like your blog is a good space to share ones opinion *sigh* hope I didnt say anything offensive. xxx (4)

my opinions are just my opinions honestly, i’ve said this many times but i’m just a dumb person with a blog, my opinions aren’t really that deep or anything, i just vent my feelings and i like discussing things with people! i’m a boring person i watch debates in my free time and junk.. but i appreciate that some of my word salad is valuable to you? in some way maybe, if i understand it right haha.. but i’m sorry that there is a feeling of discomfort, like that’s usually connected with cognitive dissonance and i experience it too :( i’m not immune to it… but yeah it’s the same for me.. i’ve stanned idol groups before and i never really held them to such standards because like, they were idols and they were fake and you took what you got, but bts built themselves on the notion that there is more to them, how authentic and genuine they are, socially conscious and outspoken and just real!! so when things happen that contradicts that, it’s just a bit painful, especially if you had believed in them before.. they also helped me through a lot but i feel like i reached the point where i can’t really look past all that stuff as much? i’ve been trying to like re-configure my relationship with them cause i still like them as people and their music, but then this whole issue happened again and it’s just.. hard.. really hard.. and don’t worry, you didn’t say anything offensive and i appreciate you sharing your opinion ;; ♥

Anonymous said:yeah tbh it always made me uncomfortable when people would praise bighit and look up to the company as if they were gods 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ they’re a company and that’s all they are. they care about their business first and foremost. idk i just stan bts and i couldn’t care less about bighit

yeah exactly, i think it’s because both bighit and bts have pushed for this air of family that surrounds them which makes people stan for both the company and the artist, which is what the company wants ofc it makes people more loyal and lenient to managerial mistakes, but yeah, companies by default are there to make money, bighit has shown that really clearly too so..yea

Anonymous said:As someone that was really like.. with them for a while. Almost 3 years starting around I need U I’ve come to a place where I literally can’t be a fan.. like they’ve lost all credibility and sense of just integrity to me. I wonder how u’re still a fan when u see this shit, is it compartmentalizing or? Genuine question btw I’m not judging I just wonder how some bts fans w critical thinking can still have this love for them as a band (not as people- that i get)

i have been with them for a long time too and i agree with you as well, and well yes i have been struggling with this, probably it is compartmentalizing? like for me, i love them as people but now i find it hard to support them as a band or what they stand for cause what is that really? like the day the nicki thing blew up, i got home and took down all my slogans and posters of them and i cried, i was really sad cause that to me was the final nail in the coffin.. and i was gonna stay away from them but also i’m really attached to them and they helped me a lot in my life, i met amazing people thanks to them, and they got me to leave a really toxic relationship after like 7 years of not being able to do so… so to me that meant a lot.. so it’s hard to sever those ties.. it goes very deep for me, ykwim? i like them as people but am hurt and disappointed by what they are as a group these days, right now i wouldn’t say i even stan anymore, casual fan maybe? i just keep an eye on them… kind of hoping that someday things could get better again.. even though it’s naive, i just feel like they are good and talented people.. still somewhere… and that their group and company decisions are bad.. all wrong..

Anonymous said:Dude, you probably have problematic friends too, and either don’t know about it or have forgiven them for whatever stupidity they’ve done in the past that maybe someone else who does not know them is still judging them for. If ppl are unfollowing it’s probably bc they don’t like that rigid and self-righteous world view you are advocating, and pointing fingers at others bc you think they don’t measure up. It is very unpleasant to hear, sorry. Pls reflect instead of faulting others all the time.

false analogy, the rest is an ad hominem fallacy, either way are you really criticizing me for having a strong opinion on things like glorification of pedophilia? mmm well i will continue to do so :) either way if you wanna discuss things critically let me know, i’m always open to discussion and i change my mind easily if new evidence is presented :3

#ask #anon #smoljwimin

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lizziebennet · 7 years

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Hi Aurora okay first tysm for your blog It's so lovely to have another person so passionate about my fave things (i.e hp and period dramas) Anyway, i recently read the HP series (again) and found myself feeling SO MUCH. I genuinely teared up at so many different touching parts and I was just wondering what are your favorite most heart-wrenching/emotional parts from the books? I realize this is a lengthy quesition so feel free to never answer this or take a year.

ye S SS i love being passionate ab things and sharing that passion w my followers!!!!! i love yall esp when u ask me questions like this where i get to talk ab my fave things everrrrrrrrr (ps thank u so much for letting me take forever to answer this ur so cute to say that ilysm)

ok so literally i will cry my way thru the entire series when i reread bc harry potter has so much emotional weight for me and so many memories that go along with it. but i decided to limit myself to just 10 bc otherwise id be sitting here typing all day. so w/o further ado:

AURORA’S TOP 10 MOST TEARFUL HARRY POTTER MOMENTS:

((in no particular order))

HARRY READS LILY’S LETTER IN DH: listen harry doesnt actually spend a lot of the books angsting over the fact that he doesnt have parents but in moments like this u remember he IS AN ORPHAN AND IT GETS ME SO HARD. fuk like just picturing harry crouched on the floor of sirius’s bedroom reading that letter… rereading it… crying… wow.gif!!!!! the line that makes me cry eveRY TIME is “She had made her g’s the same way he did : he searched through the letter for every one of them, and each felt like a friendly little wave glimpsed from behind a veil.“ LIKE RIP RIP RIP ABORT ABORT ABORT ITS TOO SAD!!!!!

THE LOST PROPHECY IN OOTP: JESSESCREAMING.JPEG!!!!!!!!!!!! listen ,,, i talk ab this chapter so much on my blog. it is my #1 favorite moment in my #1 favorite harry potter book which is my #1 favorite series of all time. SO ITS A PRETTY BIG DEAL. harry’s reaction to sirius’s death… his anger at dumbledore… his grief… his discovery of his fate… its beautiful writing and its so painful but so amazing to read. LIKE!!!!! MY BABY!!! HE’S LOST SO MANY PEOPLE!!!!!!!! MY SWEET SUMMER CHILD!!!!!!!!!! “I DON’T CARE!“ Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!” “You do care,” said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. “You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”” LIKE LITERALLY WHEN I GET TO THIS POINT I HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK BC IM CRYING SO MUCH I CANT MAKE OUT THE WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!! also fun story: one time i was listening to ootp on audiobook while on vacation and we were in the car waiting to taxi on to a ferry boat and we were listening to this chapter when the ferry guy came by to take our tickets and i had like TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE and jim dale is yelling as harry in the background…. the guy was like ‘is this bitch ok??’ lmaOOOOo

HARRY AND THE MIRROR OF ERISED IN SS: this is another one of those moments where you remember that harry is an orphan and its /so/ painful. thinking about this teeny 11 year old baby harry sneaking out every night just to sit in front of this mirror so he can see his parents………my darling baby sweetheart i love him So Much. it just makes me so sad like hes /so young/ AND HE JUST WANTS TO SEE HIS PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHH!! it also gives way to one of my all time favorite hp quotes: “It does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

HARRY STOPS SIRIUS AND LUPIN FROM KILLING PETER IN POA: me reading this part is literally ISAYTHATSMYBABYANDIMREALLYPROUD.GIF!!!!!! like!! my boy!! he finds out this man literally caused the death of his parents and he MAKES THE GROWN ASS ADULTS SPARE HIS LIFE… LIKE… he literally acts twice his age and is so mature and is just…….so amazing. it shows such strength and wisdom and it makes me SO PROUD. the way he references james also makes me cry because you see the relationship harry has with james even though he’s literally never met him and its so beautiful. i love harry so much.

HARRY AFTER SECTUMSEMPER-ING MALFOY IN HBP: this is literally the opposite of that last one where im so proud of harry this is def… not one of his best moments lol. he rly rly fucks up and his guilt is so raw and it makes me so emotional because i feel SO bad for him. its def an important harry moment in the books because it shows his flaws and the consequences of his rage, but it also shows how GOOD he is because he feels so bad about what happens and like willingly takes his punishment even though it means that he cant play in the quidditch match. he really like… atones and even tho its rough to read i def love that its a part of the series bc its a really like watershed moment for harry and i think it really reminds him of the wizard he wants to be. this part also leads to i think a more satisfying harry/ginny first kiss bc ginny defends harry and then him not going to the game leads to “several sunlit days” AKA ONE OF MY FAVE HP MOMENTS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

HARRY AND HERMIONE VISIT JAMES AND LILY’S GRAVE IN DH: “But they were not living, thought Harry: They were gone. The empty words could not disguise the fact that his parents’ moldering remains lay beneath snow and stone, indifferent, unknowing.And tears came before he could stop them, boiling hot then instantly freezing on his face, and what was the point in wiping them off or pretending? He let them fall, his lips pressed hard together, looking down at the thick snow hiding from his eyes the place where the last of Lily and James lay, bones now, surely, or dust, not knowing or caring that their living son stood so near, his heart still beating, alive because of their sacrifice and close to wishing, at this moment, that he was sleeping under the snow with them.” THIS IS ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS THAT I HAVE TO STOP READING BC IM CRYING SO MUCH I CANT MAKE OUT THE WORDS ANYMORE. I CRIED TYPING THIS. IM SO SAD.

THE FOREST AGAIN IN DH: hoo boy. hoooooo boy this is a Big One. this one is really…. wow. just. wow. [deep breath]. there is So Much in this chapter that makes me cry where do i even START. harry realizing that he has to die and ACCEPTING IT BRAVELY LIKE THE HERO HE IS. “Why had he never appreciate what a miracle he was, brain and nerve and bounding heart?” im crying….. hes so good. HARRY NEARLY STOPPING WHEN HE SEES GINNY and ginny’s crying and comforting some girl and im crying too. JAMES. SIRIUS. LILY. REMUS. WHEN HARRY ASKS IF IT HURTS TO DIE LIKE LITEARLLY I HAVE TO PUT THE BOOK DOWN AND GET UP AND WLAK AROUND THE ROOM BECAUSE I GET SO EMOTIONAL LIKE. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! when harry sees harry and screams at him ……………… rip in pieces me!!!!!!!! ALSO ONE OF HIS LAST THOUGHTS BEFORE THE AVADA KEDAVRA IS OF GINNY AND KISSING HER……….. [GUNSHOTS] [SCREAMING]

BELLATRIX TORTURES HERMIONE IN DH: fuk this scene is no joke scary like it took harry potter to another level of real darkness. hermione being tortured was so chilling like beautiufl amazing smart snarky hermione it was so painful to read like my heart rate goes up when i read it bc im worried for my girl :/ and ron is sHAKING and like screaming and literally throwing himself at the walls to try to get to her and its SO upsetting like. they are still CHILDREN like theyre all so young and they dont deserve this like. hearing her plead and stuff … its just…. too much. these are my CHILDREN i have to PROTECT them.

HARRY DIGS DOBBYS GRAVE IN DH: this is another one of those harry moments where i just want to give him a huge hug. like he insists on digging dobby’s grave by hand which is just ..... [gets choked up] its fine. and his thoughts while he dig make me so sad. he so /tired/. hes so frustrated with dumbledore and he the hallows and the horcruxes and he feels responsible for what happened. and ron coming out and helping him dig silently makes me so happy and its one of those times u really see how much rons friendship means to harry. and harry comes out of this like ... older and more mature? his wisdom and knowledge is rly apparent when he talks with griphook and olivander right after this like. he knows what hes going to do. hes made his choice. hes not going to race voldemort for the wand. i love him so much for that choice. hes such a grown man in this part like accepting responsibility, taking care of hermione and everyone like getting things in order. i love him.

MRS WEALSEY HUGS HARRY IN THE HOSPITAL WING IN GOF: “’It wasn’t your fault, Harry,’ Mrs. Weasley whispered. ‘I told him to take the cup with me,’ said Harry. Now the burning feeling was in his throat too. He wished Ron would look away. Mrs. Weasley set the potion down on the bedside cabinet, bent down, and put her arms around Harry. He had no memory of ever being hugged like this, as though by a mother. The full weight of everything he had seen that night seemed to fall in upon him as Mrs. Weasley held him to her. His mothers face, his father’s voice, the sight of Cedric, dead on the ground all started spinning in his head until he could hardly bear it, until he was screwing up his face against the howl of misery fighting to get out of him.” HARRY POTTER DESERVES MORE HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he feels so guilty about cedric and god bless mrs weasley for telling him it wasnt his fault because it WASNT!!! he did so amazing in the graveyard like.. .he saw voldemort return and he fought him and he survived and he saw his paretns and hE TOOK CEDRICS BODY BACK SO IT COULD BE WITH HIS FAMILY!!!!!!!! HE TOOK IT BACK FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i would die a thousand deaths if it meant that harry didnt have to experience this pain!!!!

whew so there we go!!!!! the bottom line is obviously that i love the harry potter series more than anything and specifically i love the boy harry potter so so SO much and his suffering is agonizing to read and he didnt deserve any of it!!! i can litearlly think of SO many more heartbreaking moments in the series but here are just a handful. happy birthday to harry!!!

#anonymous #aurora got an ask #hp #aurora RANTS

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almostdeaddepression · 5 years

Text

In my feelings

so its 1:30am and i cannot get out of my head. im tired all the time but cant sleep. I started crying just because i miss my mom and I cant seem to do anything right. I feel like i should reach out for help but my two best friends have their own things going on. Like they also struggle with depression.

One recently moved two states away from me and honestly that killed me. I know shes going through stuff in her life too, in a lot of ways that is more important and life changing than the stuff in my life. And the other friend has had some terrible awful things happen in her life. I want to be happy for them when they tell me theyre doing better. I want to feel for them when they tell me things are rough. I want to be there for them when they need someone to lean on and in a lot of ways I am. But, at the same time, i feel like im going through the motions of trying to be supportive because my own headspace is so dark.

Think breakaway glass used in theater and movies, my support for them is like that. and their issues are like water. like the glass will hold water however with any slight impact it will shatter. I genuinely try to be there for them, but as hard as i try i feel like i cannot get to a place where i can genuinely be there for them. And asking them for help would just seem like a burden. And i love them so much that i would never want them to think that my issues outweighed theirs in the slightest.

i cant sleep. yet im so tired and god willing i would sleep all day if I could.

I feel selfish even thinking about unloading this on some of my friends. God, im so fucked up right now I feel like the hole im in keeps getting deeper and darker and I cant seem to pull myself out. Ive thought about this a lot. I feel like my depression and the way I feel isnt valid in the slightest.

for an example, my sister was diagnosed with depression in her teens, Since then I have also been diagnosed with depression, and no matter what it just never seems as valid as her depression. shes medicated for it and doing fabulously and from someone looking at her you would have no idea.

My father has just always validated her depression and put me on the backburner. like she went to a facility for a week and he did everything in his powe to pull her out of it. yes, its noble, and i so want that for her but in the process ive been forgotten.

a material example: my father bought her a brand new bedset. queen mattress, huge TV, bedframe, side tables, dresser, you name it. while I was sleeping on a futon. I asked why she, who had a large bed, frame, and dresser got this new addition and he responded... well you didnt come with us. I was 17 and at work.I slept on a futon for another 6 months. then “upgraded” to my mother’s hand-me-down twin bed that had a broken box spring. when i finally got a new bed set it was when I was 20, i purchased it myself and got it on craigslist and trust me it wasnt pretty. i had just had enough and wanted an adult bed as i moved out.

an emotional example: The night i got kicked out I got into an argument with my sisters shithead. My sister and I had an agreement to NOT call my father during an argument because he doesnt respond rationally. she called my father, he called me shortly after. He kicked me out of my home and gave me a week to get all my things and leave. I remember begging him to let ME tell him what had happened. He called me a bitch and told me he didnt want to hear it. my own father kicked me out of my home, without as much as letting me explain my side of the situation.

other examples:

when I was on a low dose antidepressant he called me a “pussy” and told me that I wasnt actually depressed and that i should leave real medications to the people who needed them.... like my sister

when I finally got to a place through therapy where I told him what I was feeling and how I had been feeling he kind of validated it but still compared it to my sisters depression and told me that I needed to go to the gym more and told me to essentially suck it up and move on. simply because my sisters depression was “real” and mine was a phase

at the end of the day im still depressed. ive been in such a dark place that every other thought in my head is me either me thinking how ill die alone, how my family left me, how the world would be better without me in it, how i burden everyone I interact with, or just flat out thinking about what would happen if I killed myself?

the thing of it is, ive felt this way for a long time. I lived with my sister and she didnt take the time to notice or reach out. my father just cared about how much of a “bitch” I am. Nobody seemed to notice when my bubbly, social, self suddenly started sleeping every day, missing events and classes, stopped taking my medication, stopped showering regularly. nobody seemed to notice anything besides im “difficult”. and apparently so difficult that he put me on the street with essentially nothing. I feel like I tried to reach out but my depression and my feelings wernt as valid as other peoples so it never seemed to matter enough.

when the two people you love most in the world straight up abandon you and kick you to the curb you can either sink or swim. ive tried to swim. ive tried to get back into a place where I can feel something again. However..... Im doing this blindly and with no support. I just dont think putting me in a place where im alienated from my entire family and everyone i love is what my depression needs.

with my job hunt failing, my schooling failing, with my family failing, with everything in my life crumbling my depression is like a fire that keeps getting gasoline on it. The thing of it is I think about my friend who recently passed away from a suicide attempt. I think about how sad his father was when speaking about him. how much we all cried at his funeral. how many people showed up. and i know how much it hurts the people you care about.

I’m just at a point where I dont know what my options are anymore. When i’m public enemy number one in my own family and im abandoned by my local friends i just dont know what to do anymore. I feel like if one more horrible thing happens I’m going to start considering a way out and trust me, I dont want to do that to my friends and family.

and I know that people say there are always other options..... but I litterally have nothing. and nobody. im so broke I cant afford anything really. Im so alone because my family abandoned me. I cant afford therapy. I cant find a job, my support system consists of two friends because my other friends are excluding me from things. and my whole support system is just gone. ive never in my whole life felt this low or along. never. I honestly feel shittier now than when my mom died. im in a darker place now than when MY OWN MOTHER DIED, because at least then I had people to lean on. friends, activities, school.... my family.... but now.......... nothing...... and i just feel dead inside.

anyway im all caught up in my own head and its not doing me good to be up this late so I’ll just go to bed. or try to. I promise im fine. again this whole thing isnt intended to be anything more than a personal “diary” of sorts. I dont plan on sharing this with anyone. more for my use in trying to release some of these feelings in an attempt to alleviate this overwhelming darkness thats eating my soul. I have to work an early shift tomorrow.....

#depression #cry for help #diary #in my mind #headspace #family #in my feelings #late night blogging

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hoorayfornicepeople-blog · 6 years

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February 26, 2018

Where to begin? Probably with a deep breath. Two months from today, I will be on a plane back to the States, which means I have reached the half way point. Time certainly doesn’t slow down. Today I went to the immigration office in Kampala to swap my tourist visa out for a student visa, symbolic of some sort of greater permanence, of this becoming a kind of home and less of a quick stop along the way.

This week is probably also the busiest week of the semester so far (or so it feels). Last week was spring break, which I spent on my rural homestay, with a family in Soroti, in the Serere district of Northern Uganda. We left last Friday on the 16th and returned just last night (Sunday). The week left me with an awful lot to process through, which made jumping into this busy week quite challenging. Today, I struggled to balance the need to prioritize processing, with some of the pressing academic tasks that needed to be done. This has been a consistent thread this semester, but it felt particularly heightened today. I spent the week totally unplugged from technology and the rest of the world and reentry last night brought me 169 new emails and zero desire to read any of them. The emotional energy required to talk with people and explain my week to them proved difficult to find. Many of you have already responded to my inability to explain with understanding and grace.

Tonight, in an attempt to sort through the emails remaining unread from last night, I read the notes from the first La Vida training, which happened last week while I was away. (Update in case I haven’t told you— headed to the Adirondack’s to Sherpa in August!!) Per usual with God’s timing, the “devo thought” from the training was so poignant and relevant to my inner dialogue that I could have cried. It was taken from Elton Trueblood:

“The man who supposes that he has no time to pray or to reflect, because of social tasks which are urgent and numerous, will soon find that he has become fundamentally unproductive, because he will have separated his life from his roots….A man has made a step toward a genuine maturity when he realizes that, though he ought to perform kind and just acts, the greatest gift he can give others consist in being a radiant and encouraging person. What we are is more significant in the long run, than what we do. It is impossible for a man to give what he does not have.”

Yesterday, Will had reminded me to give myself permission to prioritize my mental, emotional, spiritual health/need for processing and reflection, even if that meant temporarily setting aside an assignment or other academic task. You know me enough to know that this advice is a tough pill for me to swallow, even though I know it’s true. Today, it was abundantly clear to me that lack of processing, even briefly, was leaving me “fundamentally unproductive,” no matter how much I tried to discipline myself. And so here I am, engaging in one of the most cathartic exercises I’ve ever known, writing. As usual, I am grateful for your willingness to sit patiently and listen while I attempt to sort through the richness of this experience and put it into words.

Spring Break 2k18… last year during spring break there was a giant blizzard. This year, in Sortoti, the average weekly temperature was somewhere around 100 degrees (not even hyperbolizing here). I went into the week expecting I would sleep in a hut, slaughter a chicken, carry water on my head, and milk a cow. I did none of the above. There’s a lesson on perception and expectations in there. When I was dropped off on Saturday, my host mama matter-of-factly informed me— “This week, it will be too hot for activities, but we will prepare food, eat, and sit.” That turned out to be an incredibly accurate synopsis of the week. In addition to the heat, we are currently on the tail end of dry season, which contributed to the lack of activity, since my host parents primarily farm. The third and final factor that shaped the level of activity of the week was that both of my host parents are in their 70s, incredibly strong and fit, but still doing less physically demanding work at this stage of life.

However, here are some things that I did get to do:

Bucket bathed… a lot

Drank 4,000 Nalgenes a day (don’t worry Mom, I stayed hydrated)

Rested

Star gazed

Ate food

Went to church

Visited the village center

Learned to remove the internal organs of a chicken prior to cooking it

Washed dishes

Did laundry

Drank tea

Swept and mopped the house

Learned to cook a lot of things in the outdoor kitchen— posho, lots of different kinds of potatoes, soup, greens, millet/potato/sorghum bread…

Constructed an underground oven and cooked sweet potatoes in it

Rested

Read 600+ pages (spread between three books)

Sat in silence

Listened to the radio

Beat, winnowed, and separated millet

Rested

Ate more food

Visited the neighbors

Sewed pillowcases

Shelled G-nuts

Picked, cut, and ate jackfruit

Spent too much time in the pit latrine after eating jackfruit

Watched thunderstorms from the porch (It rained four nights in a row. Before leaving for the week, Eddie told us the mzungus always bring the rain to Soroti. I thought it was a crazy superstition, but it turned out to be absolutely right.)

Drank more tea

Rested

Picked and ate fresh oranges

My mama’s favorite phrase was “you go rest now,” since my room was like an oven during the day, this usually meant finding the shadiest spot and reading my book or journaling, rather than taking a nap. In combination with the amount of time I already spent sitting in silence with my host parents, or by myself in between other activities, this was wild. Before leaving, I asked people to pray for my ability to be present. God responded by providing opportunities to be present in excess. Retrospectively, the time that I had this week to reflect, contemplate, learn, and rest was truly valuable, but my impatience made it difficult to recognize in the moment. I experienced a week of simplicity, with little urgency. A culture not enslaved to clock time or schedules, but guided by the needs of the present moment, subsistence, and the daily rhythm of the earth. It was simultaneously one of the most challenging, defining, and enriching (still convincing myself of the last part) parts of the week.

The week included some of my most challenging experiences in communicating cross-culturally– navigating difficult conversations, pushing myself not to be dismissive of a differences of opinion rooted in cultural conditioning, doing my best to practice humility and openness, and learning that I have an accent that is at times hard to understand. This is something I still need to unpack, but you can ask me about it if you’re curious.

Much of what I learned this week came through lots of observation and listening. I learned a lot about the historical and current politics of Northern Uganda and it’s rocky relationship with President Museveni, who punishes the region by withholding government resources or using discriminatory policies, because of the imbalance of power based in tribal/ethnic divisions. I learned about theology, community, he education system, marriage, death, parenting, family, environment, land and agriculture, politics, and history all as they’re shaped by the culture and context of Northern Uganda. Detailing each of these would take an incredible number of words.

I also learned about some of the most prominent poverty related issues Ugandans are experiencing, particularly related to education and medical care. Serere is and has been one of the most impoverished areas of Uganda. However, hear me on this. When you close your eyes and picture poverty in Africa, that image in your mind is not a universal representation. I learned that about myself and my own preconceptions this week for sure. I wrestled (and still am, present tense) with the task of attempting to define and understand poverty and all that is wrapped up in that. In the West, one might look at my host parents and consider them poor. But they do not struggle to put food on the table, they sustain themselves through the land they own and the food they grow. They understand conservation, care for what they own, and work very hard. If measured, their land and animals could translate to monetary value that would increase their material wealth significantly. At the same time, in the village this week, I observed acute poverty that has been unmatched by anything in the previous two months. All the while, I was reading “The White Man’s Burden,” a convicting critique by a former World Bank economist of Western involvement in the developing world, particularly through aid, military and political interference, and all forms of residual neocolonialism. I don’t think I will ever stop grappling with the irreparable damage we have done in our pursuits of materialism and power, and our misuse of resources and privilege. This paragraph is insufficient to express my questions and tangled thought processes about this particular topic, but for now, it’s what I’m capable of writing.

By the end of the week, I had more questions than answers. Honestly, what else is new. On Friday morning, we were picked up and drove to Kapchowra, about an hour away, where we spent the weekend. On Friday night, we spent time in intentional debrief, which was helpful, but in many ways only began to scratch the surface of our 25 different experiences. Saturday, we had a day of emotional (but definitely not physical) rest. After a lovely breakfast, we hiked Mount Elgon, an extinct volcano and home to the famous Sipi Falls, one of Uganda’s bigger tourist spots. The ten mile hike was exhausting, but refreshing and breathtaking. I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves.

We had a quick thirty minute respite after the hike before we began a “coffee tour.” Kapchowra is the OG home of the Arabica coffee bean, discovered long ago by a lucky farmer who just wanted to find out why his goats were getting hyper after eating the leaves of some tree with redish colored berries. On the tour, we got to learn about and help with the process of making coffee, from picking beans to pouring a steaming cup and everything in between. Definitely a highlight for me, even if it was a horribly touristy activity. Shown in the photo below is me shelling coffee beans. Not pictured was the slap happy, caffeine induced state my roommates witnessed me in after the effects of having more coffee than I’ve had in two months kicked in. Let’s say I was laughing at everything and didn’t get the most sleep I’ve ever gotten, but it was quite worth it.

On Sunday morning, we hiked to the top of the little hill above the guest house for a small worship service before our departure. I was asked to give a brief testimony about what God has been teaching me in this first half of the semester (in 5-10 minutes??). I spoke about patience. presence, and newness, the ways that He has been revealing my restlessness to me, but it felt next to impossible to come up with some concise summary of the work He has done in me in the past two months (and is surely continuing to do). Thanks for sticking with me and reading this long post to the end. If it feels open ended, that’s because my thoughts are open ended in so many ways right now. I don’t want to settle for a pretty packaged or over-simplified version of the week. In some areas, I settled for brevity in this post, because I don’t want to risk sounding like I have the answers. I know the week was hard; I know the week was valuable. I know it left me with even more to ponder than I already had, which I didn’t know was possible. As I talk with you individually in the coming weeks, don’t be afraid to ask me questions, because they will help me in my pondering, but know that I am unresolved and still figuring out how to understand.

A brief post-script. Some people (not necessarily any of you) have made comments to my USP friends and I that come with a perceived bravery or accomplishment in what we did last week. “You lived in a rural village in Africa?! That must have been so hard, you are so brave!” or something of the sort. All I will say is that I am not brave. My attitude at points during the week was not even in the ballpark of praiseworthy. This whole thing is as far from being about me as possible. I felt like an outsider this week, even though I was being welcomed into a community. Don’t hear me being dismissive of your encouragement. But I challenge all of you to not let your perceptions of African poverty to shape your visions of my experience. I think these kinds of comments, while well intentioned, are rooted in subconscious (read: often distorted) pictures of the reality of a place like this. I hope that as I communicate to you, the things I say will never glorify or manipulate the things I am experiencing as a result of my own pride and desire for affirmation. Please call me out if you ever see or hear this in my words. Thanks again for being in my corner.

All my love,

Abs

Spring Break February 26, 2018 Where to begin? Probably with a deep breath. Two months from today, I will be on a plane back to the States, which means I have reached the half way point.

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isaacathom · 7 years

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why do i keep going w this stuff dude

like what id have to do to justify what happened to the travelling partner is.... like... itd be a character thing. youd have the Survivor right there, and his personality would already establish he’d be capable of nasty shit (mostly because he literally does nasty shit during the story, yknow). but the hunters have to characterised as able to do it posthumously, which is difficult, because typically shit gets rose tinted. there’d be few people who’d be willing to say bad shit about a dead person. though its possible we’d get that insight from the people the Woman befriends, as they’re unlikely to be super close to the hunters (or theyd be keeping distance) and it means theyve got distance and more objectivity about their actions.

then i have to decide why. like, whhyyyyy? why do it. why do that. why attack an exhausted woman and kill her while her friend watches? a personal ‘quirk’? did she say something? did they do something and she reacted negatively? what happened. theres a couple of possibilities which i guess ill detail for future/current pickings

- ~just a prank~. possibly some sort of stupid action involving hurting the woman that went too far and resulted in her death? difficult to justify, but if the hunters are young enough or established to be immature enough, it could work. maybe the idea was that theyd injure her and then bandage her up and bring her back to the village, like they wanted? kinda fucked up but this is also Murder so i guess fair game

- more nasty shit. like, yknow.... assault? pretty young ladies wandering the forests, shit gets nasty, eeeewwwww. i dont want it, but it could explain stuff. itd especially help explain why the Survivor would hide the body, beyond the obvious. kinda gross, kinda dont want it because of my personal preferences, but it COULD work

- genuine accident. itd make it less questionable, but itd also ruin the idea that the Woman acted out of ‘self defence’ if it was an accident. shit gets rough and goes too far? like they push the girl around and she trips and hits her head? but again, ruins the narrative if harm wasnt intended. harm has to be intended to the girl in order to justify the Woman’s actions

- honestly dunno. to keep her quiet? like, the idea here is that the hunters are doing Bad Shit, possibly the above or something not directly related to the women, that they end up bearing witness too. like, illegal shit. or just very damning stuff, character wise. such as. idk.... honestly dont know. maybe something related to status? burying something they stole? it could work that way. Then the idea is that the girl is specifically outspoken in calling out and not taking their bullshit excuses, and the hunters decide to keep her quiet, resulting in her death while her friend (the Woman) watches in fucking disbelief. itd be interesting if the hunters had committed a crime that led them to commit that crime, yknow?

thats about it. ofc it needs a lot of though. i think the accident angle is out, though an aspect of it can be included in others, especially for some characters. for instance the Survivor, who was clearly not strictly involved, hence him being spared. he was complicit, hundo percent, but he could easily see the whole thing as a tragic accident. perspective and stuff. i think the Prank is also out because thats fucking stupid. leaving Gross Nasties and Covering Up.

both could easily justify the Womans actions, i feel. Nasties would be her friend being yucked while the woman is prevented from intervening, and when the yuck goes too far and the woman’s friend dies, she flips (understandably). and in that context, the argument can also be made for them possibly doing the same to her, yknow. that’d play in.

cover up would be the two of them coming across something suspect that the hunters have done/are doing, and the woman’s friend being attacked for witness. in that, the woman would be simply held down quietly because shes a much more quiet character and would submit quickly to prevent danger, while her friend would refuse despite her exhaustion. so then the hunters would pull their weapons to force her to submit, and then it goes too far (theres the accident angle) and the woman flips. and again, the aspect of whether or not after essentially torturing her friend, whether theyd do the same to her.

i think Cover Up might be easier to spin w/ murder, as itd be easier to prove. as in, the woman’s body would show clear signs of this, bloodstained gashes in clothes and shit. whereas Nasties could be a little harder to prove as murder, since, well, i know exactly what Nasty im thinking of and idk how long that sort of evidence would last in a ditch. i mean, there shit down there that at least partially preserves her, but STILL.

the issue w/ Cover Up is that i need to work out what started it. as in, what the hunters were doing. like, theyre out hunting, yea, but what are they hiding? it has to be something worth killing over. it cant be too petty. its not another murder, thats for sure. a theft? a theft of a valuable item? either personal or general monetary. but it also couldnt be TOO important, because then theyd look harder for it. though, if it IS valuable, would they go looking in a ditch? probably not. cause the idea is that they were gonna bury it, right. but with the whole murder thing, the Survivor is disposing of evidence. chuck the body, chuck the goods, they arent worth it now, clitter clatter crack. plus, the idea is that the Survivor is more a lookout than actually perpetrating anything. still a cunt, but a lesser cunt. hes not invested in it personally, more on his friends’ behalf, and his friends are dead, so what does it matter? down the ditch, clitter clatter crack.

that could work. it could even explain how they finally find the body in the ditch - the body was more carefully disposed of, and the goods were just chucked. one of them missed, or remained closer to the surface, buried lightly under leaves and dirt until its found. meaning multiple goods. could work. what they actually stole isnt the important part, though - just the fact its worth killing a complete stranger for. OOH! oh fuck i had an idea. ok keep Cover Up as an idea but heres a second idea.

Robbery. they were robbing the two of them. theyre foreigners, a long way way from home, and well dressed beyond dirt and grime. maybe they were carrying something valuable, or valuable enough. nice jewellery, that sorta thing. the hunters, encountering this well dressed tired duo in the woods, offer to take them back to the village, but instead take them further with the intend to rob and kill. make the death look like an accident, claim they discovered the poor women, or just dispose of the bodies and sell the goods on the down low with no questions asked. both good. the former has the accident angle in, too, both deliberate and in how it ended up being incriminating.

so the women get taken further into the woods, and then the friend realises this, she makes a break for it. the Woman is quickly held so she cant flee, because she didnt react fast enough, and the girl is tackled to the ground and held down. the man holding the Woman quickly rifles through her pockets for her goods while she looks on in terror, as the other hunters hold her friend down and forcefully keep her quiet while robbing her too. ofc, as i said earlier, the friend is a lot louder and ‘feistier’ than the Woman, and shes not gonna let them rob her blind without a fucking fight. kick, scream, bite. eventually they start pulling weapons and threatening her with them, and its at this point that the Survivor starts having second doubts. this is when he steps back. he was probably gleefully robbing her, taking off jewellery and stuff, but oh shit, oh dear, oh god, this is going far. but, ofc, the friend isnt letting weapons stop her, until it HAS to stop her, because they start like. cutting and stabbing her. The Woman screams, the Survivor cries out, and thats the point where locals start going ‘hmm did you hear that martha? sounded like screams’ ‘i bet its just the boys being silly’

of course the screams will quickly escalate when the friend stops. brief silence as she stops struggling and screaming. the hunters proceed to rob her blind and gloat as the Survivor cautiously moves in closer. ‘You.... you killed her??????????’

crack. foosh. scchrrk. hunters dead, survivor yelling in terror, the Woman screaming in rage before running further into the woods. Survivor checks his friends, works out fairly quickly its too late, and proceeds to dump the body and clumsily toss the goods before starting to head back to the village, trying to carry one of his less-injured-but-still-totally-dead friends. open shut.

fuck. that works well. and its make the survivor at least a lil sympathetic while still being a cunt. a young man out of his depth, surrounded by older friends with more force. the thing is that its not premeditated. they didnt plan this encounter. they decided to go with it. so the Survivor is similarly trapped in it and mostly non complicit. he starts helping rob the friend because his friends say so. ofc, that doesnt excuse the fact that once everything is said and done, he disposes of the body and the evidence of their crime, and frames it all on a woman they attacked. perjury and shit. broke the law. cause like, yea, hes doing it to help his friends, but his friends ARE dead, nothing is actually keeping him there, because he checked on his friends before disposing of evidence. still a cunt, yknow.

this works. i like this. well, ok, i dont, its fucking murder, but narratively i mean, i dig the shit out of this idea, make the hunters actual criminals here. means the posthumous establishment of character has to establish their forcefulness and violence.

another thing - how many hunters? based on the scene above, at least 3. one to hold the Woman, one to hold the friend, and another to rifle her pockets. the Survivor helps to rifle pockets, but hes separate. thats 4 guys overall. that seems a fair amount for a hunting party. fuck. this is good. i like this. initially, in the dreams and shit, there were 4 dead hunters, but 3 works just as well and makes less work for me as a writer. i like this a lot.

#story blogging #this ones a bit yuckier as a heads up. more in depth on the murder shit because i wanted to work something out #i like what ive come up with but in a narrative sense not a personal 'mm ya this is my aesthetic' way #the latter would be me making a fluff scene. the former is me writing a murder. yknow. shits funk yo #also WHOOPS thats another fucking hour of my life #clitter clatter crack

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