#he couldn't explain why he's working with their worst enemy and greatest threat so there's only one conclusion she can draw

[qwertishy]

My whole childhood was filled with undiagnosed, untreated, unacknowledged conditions that amplified my perception of an already terrible situation or two. I look back on it now, in what others are calling some middle aged newfound wisdom, whatever that means... and I'm wondering, truly wondering, how much of it was real?

Growing up, I unknowingly suffered from borderline personality disorder, dissociation, hallucinations, ADD, and a crippling amount of depression and anxiety. Everything was fast paced and either the best day of my life or seemingly the last. I never knew what tomorrow would bring, let alone if I would even see it at all. Despite that, I wasn't scared of my own mortality, in fact, I reveled in it. I valued it. It was a constant reminder on my darker days that there was a way out, my only calming solace. My silver lining.

By the time I realized there was something wrong with me.. specifically, and not just the dangers I had been subjected to... my perception of reality was so twisted and distorted that I honestly couldn't tell reality from fantasy. I couldn't piece together what really happened and what didn't happen, who was real and who wasn't real. What words were said and what words only imagined.

Through the mess and confusion, I hurt a lot of people. I lost a lot of people. Some relationships ended because of it, and the worst part is... I will never know why. I will never know what I did. Yet, I do it again and again. How do I explain that whatever happened, whatever I did.. wasn't me? Does it matter? I've had some of the world's greatest people by my side, and somewhere along the lines I did something to fuck it all up and lost all of them forever.

My father died spring of last year. Initially, there were a lot of mixed feelings. I've been working on building a relationship with him for a long time. I've been working on healing and forgiveness. I've been working on it a lot. I wasn't done healing. I hadn't yet forgave. I feel like him leaving had robbed me of the goal I had been working so hard towards for so long. I was angry. Backtracking in all my progress and all my successes. Then, almost without warning, I forgive him. Something I could never do in life. Again, I was angry. Upset that I couldn't achieve this at a time we could both enjoy together.

I think about him everyday, now. Before, he was lucky if I thought of him more than once a season. Now I crave his company all the time, miss him every morning. Cry... every time. I have no photos of him, no adult memories, no anything. I feel constantly robbed each time I think of him. It feels like he's been gone forever and like it was yesterday all at the same time. I can't explain it. And with all this grief and confusion... I feel a new me emerging. A new sense of clarity I never had before. Suddenly I feel alone.

You see, my father knew he did me wrong as a child. He knew I was scared of him, scarred by him, haunted by him. He tried, he really tried to get me to forgive him. He did everything but acknowledge what he did, everything but apologize. I often wondered if the gift buying cleared his conscience. If he thought that he was buying my forgiveness, my affection, my love. In my adult life, he was kind and gentle, sweet and caring. All the things I had wanted as a child. But by then, my perception of reality was already set in stone. It kills me that I was not able to change that in time.

I pushed everyone away. Everyone was a threat or an enemy. And now, I'm alone. And it hurts, and I'm scared. I'm too old to be alone. I always hear young people griping on and on about "how old" they are, like it's some sort of psychological game... I've never truly felt old until this year. It's not a flattering emotion. I want to say something dramatic and played out like, "I've never been alone before" or something of the like, but I'm sure that's not true... I just can't emphasize enough how lonely I've been feeling since my latest losses.

I'm having a really hard time, lately.

#words #thoughts #qwertishy

[oetravia]

Every Brainia Scene Ever: 5x19 [2/3]

#supergirl #supergirledit #brainia #brainiaedit #dreamdox #m'gann m'orzz #nia nal #(the throwback to the chocos...my poor battered heart) #and I'm so glad that this conversation happened with M'gann because she knows enough about the situation to listen and offer advice #but she's also pretty much the most neutral voice Nia could possibly be talking to in that moment. Especially where Brainy's concerned #because we know after 518 that Kara thinks Brainy is lost to them and I have to assume the rest of the Super Friends are following suit #including Nia much as it's clearly difficult for her to try to do regardless of what she said to him in the aftermath of the DEO collapse #because even now she cares about him and she still can't shake him from her mind and it's worse now because as far as she knows #he couldn't explain why he's working with their worst enemy and greatest threat so there's only one conclusion she can draw #which is why she pushes back against M'gann's advice because the last time she allowed herself to consider that there was more to #what was happening with Brainy than she was seeing and allowed herself to keep thinking the best of him that hope was shattered #and the rest of her little speech here...ugh #she really does touch on what makes them such a great pair. The way that their romantic relationship is only one facet of their bond #they work together because they really are partners in every sense of the world. They know each other better than anyone and that's what's #so exhausting for Nia at this point. She doesn't know how to process everything she's learning about Brainy because she doesn't know #how to deal with this new Brainy in general because she hasn't recognised him since he took off his inhibitors #and it's clearly been weighing on her if she was right to encourage him to take them off in the first place #and the mixed feelings because all she ever wanted for him was for him to be able to comfortably be himself #but apparently that's led to him working with Lex Luthor and turning his back on the Super Friends and her specifically #how is she supposed to deal with that? She wanted him to be himself...can she really be angry because the real Brainy #isn't everything she hoped he'd be? That despite all her assurances that she knew the real him apparently she didn't? #mine #my gifs #*ebs