#i couldnt finish a sentence so its justice he never finished the bread bowl

[lasermagnets]

Story Time: World’s Worst Date?

This happened in May, but I think about it all the time and I want to record just how bad it was before old age blesses me to forget it happened.

It was the night before my last two finals: physics and physics. I made a coffee date with this kid from tinder because I had never been on a date and I just wanted to see what it was like. He was an engineering student from a nearby college and I thought it would be cool to talk to someone also interested in physics like I was/am. I stayed up all night studying (rookie freshman) for my finals and we planned to meet at like 7 PM because my last final went until 5:30. He was I think 30 minutes late. If not 30 then at least 15 minutes because he got lost thinking he didn’t need his GPS once he got to the town. This kid pulls up in his family car. A mini cooper. He was dressed like an absolute idiot, I’m not even going to try to sugar coat it. It was brown checkered/gingham knee length shorts with a dingy ass beige t-shirt. I wore mascara for this. Needless to say, all coffee shops were closed as they should be and we went to Panera Bread instead. Before that though, this big city kid comes to my town of 10,000 people asking if we have any small shops or literally any other options besides Starbucks. Clearly the answer was no. Once we were in the car he asks me how I want him to drive on a scale of 1-10 because apparently mini coopers do that. I say a six and he says “oo okay.” Him, not knowing how to drive stick shift tells me that driving stick shift is so much fun and that I should learn. Okay. Also found out shortly after that he’s the type of person that speeds down school zones because he can’t read numbers either. He assures me he’s a really good driver. We were both in car accidents this year. He asks at the beginning of all this if I want to see a movie after this and boo boo the fool me says sure. 

We get to Panera and he orders food: a broccoli and cheddar bread bowl. I ordered a smoothie because the original plan was coffee. Not trying to stray from the agenda at this point. When he gestures to me to order I asked if he was paying and he shrugged and in a nonchalant voice said “It’s only a smoothie.” Right. We sit down and get our food. He says he loves the bread bowl and he eats it every time. This boy talked for 2 straight hours. I maybe said 2 things. In 2 hours. 2. things. A highlight was: 

Southern people have accents because they’re uneducated

Making conversation, I say that I want to go see A Quiet Place because they use American Sign Language etc. I told him on tinder that I knew sign language and somehow we got to him saying “Isn’t sign language universal?” Like he would know. Like he knows even one version of sign language. I educate this boy on how they’re developed independently of each other because of how communities come about and he tells me that he gets it, it’s just variations. Right, just like how Latin is derived from Ancient Chinese. I’m going on about deaf culture to him at this sad little booth at Panera and I say that “there’s a stigma in deaf culture where people think all deaf people are-” he cuts me off here to say “stupid.” Thanks for the contribution. I couldn’t finish one fucking sentence for these two hours and at his piss poor attempt to relate to me insults my culture as a coda. Nice, going gr8 at this point. And it is true that deaf people are portrayed as less intelligent because of how they speak, but that’s not where I was going at all considering we were talking about monster movies. Just his absolute confidence in his answer, like yes, this is what she was going to say, I know this to be true. He asks me if my mom can drive, because she’s deaf. How does she pull over for police or ambulances. How does she function.

He’s asking me if I’ve ever been out of the country, etc, rich kid stuff, I’m saying no and I say that the only time I’ve been in a plane was to go skydiving. He says that he’d “love to jump out of his friend’s plane, because she has one, with a parachute” and I’m like I don’t think you can legally do that like you need a certain amount of jumps tandem before they let you do it solo, and you need to release your parachute at a certain altitude all this stuff because I actually did this, not him. He looked at me like I was the dumbest person he’d ever seen in his life, but really I was just a woman. Head tilted, eyes squinted, smiling, trying to be nice, then compares it to base jumping. I ask him if base jumping is usually from 13000 feet. And it doesn’t even matter if you could do this and survive, whatever. The point here is that he didn’t trust me or my knowledge for one second and the disbelief was unreal.

He said that he did a short internship at a research lab and that he would watch them build this “really cool thing,” collect their data and then just dissemble it. Then told me his concern was why they were tearing it down when they should be worrying about how to make profit off of this. Sounds like a business major in a physic major skin to me... He asked me why I didn’t want to be an engineer anymore and I said that my teacher in high school said he was one for years and years and was miserable as an engineer because it’s a desk job. He said “oh yeah, I guess, but that’s why I want to go into civil engineering and be out in the field” I told him my teacher was a civil engineer. 

Finally, two hours later, after 9 PM and he says “do you want to go?” And at this point I’m dragging through the desert of conversations, listening to him go on and on about his life, the driest conversations. I’ve also been awake for over 35 hours, too, and I have to pack my room to move out the next day. He asks if I still want to see the movie, but after this shit show I’m really not doing it. I told him no because I had two finals, stayed up all night, still have to pack and yanno sleep. He looked a little desperate at this point, his eyes widened and he said in a defensive tone, “Well you can sleep-” but cut himself off before he could say sleep in the movie theater. Yikes.

When we’re leaving Panera, the front door is locked, we’ve been there that long. Instead of approaching a salesperson like a regular. human. being. He starts yelling “EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME WE’RE LOCKED OUT,” with the most worried face thinking that he’s really going to die in this panera bread. That’s when I knew country club server boy has never worked a real retail job. I was so fucking embarrassed when this happened I was glad no one was in that Panera Bread on a Tuesday night. The nice Panera bread worker leads us to a side door, where it is unlocked. We’re walking to his car and he’s really talking down to the last possible moments. I have my hand on the car door handle waiting for him to just fucking open it and he’s standing outside persistent to tell his story about the drunk Russian people to the very end. 

When we’re finally finally driving back he really asks me if I’ve ever fallen asleep in a movie theater like he is still on this. I tell him no because I pay to be there. We’re driving on this diamond interchange and he’s literally nutting at the sight of it, he’s like “Oh, I know what this is! I saw it in a presentation!” I said “It must’ve been some presentation,” as an final prayer to god to smite me dead right then and there. Mr. Good driver runs a red light, and when I tell him that he says “oh, sorry, I didn’t see it” bitch I got an astigmatism and I still saw it. He drops me off, I glance at him because he’s talking and open the door to begin the recovery stages of grief. He’s still talking. I’m standing outside his car for maybe 15 seconds before just shutting it right in the middle of a sentence. I walked away, opened tinder, unmatched, and deleted the app.

He didn’t even finish the bread bowl.

#i couldnt finish a sentence so its justice he never finished the bread bowl #story time #sorry this is SO fucking long but my sisters sick of hearing about it and im just so fucking dumbfounded its been over 2 months #i didnt even mention him being surprised my parents ran a successful business holy SHIT #tinder #my post #personal #pls share worse date stories and make me feel better #i never wanna date a man again #this is what happens when you lower your standards ladies #my college experience tm