#i have a lot of feelings abt eating and my mom because i was underweight most of my life up until recently.

[darksouls2yuri]

idk sometimes I would simply like to fall asleep

#txt #i have a lot of feelings abt eating and my mom because i was underweight most of my life up until recently. #as a little kid i would always hover around maybe 30lbs and my mom would say im just small boned. like what does that mean. #and i wasnt in school or seeing a doctor so its not like anyone outside of my family was seeing me for long enough #from middle school to high school age i was floating around 80-95 most of the time. i wld cramp all the time and was so tired #i didnt start gaining weight until i was 17 and i started working for my dad. he took me on roadtrips and we ate out constantly #i gained like..... god 50lbs doing that with him ? and it stuck? as a kid i was obsessed with weighing myself. any time i gained weight itd #always go away fast. i could never keep up any consistent gained weight. #my mom loves to call me fat and lazy and unhealthy now that i have a healthy weight and its awful i hate her i hate her #shes overweight and always struggled with being overweight. she is literally almost 200lbs overweight. and she projects all of that onto me #idk #um #vent

[shouldihavewaited]

Vent incoming (tw: suicidal thoughts, self harm, non healthy eating habits, child abuse): really only one of my friends reads this so yay??

These last few weeks have been really hard for me. Usually im really open with stiff like this but i have been keeping some stuff in. Pretty much I’ve kinda surged into depression again. It takes me so much will power to wake up and get out of bed. My grades have been declining so much and so fast. I used to be an A student with 1 B+ every 2 quarters but currently i have all B and one C and one E. Which is really sending me even further down cause grades have always been a constant in my life. Good grades. Because they make me feel accomplished and tbh the only thing i value about myself.

Also my younger brother might have autism. The doctors say that but have yet to confirm. My parents treat it like it were the plague and it makes me want to riot. Tbh since i was in 4th grade i have wondered myself if i have autism or some form of adhd cause of stuff. And my parents saying that it’s inherently bad makes everything feel awful

Also im a closeted bisexual. Yay! My parents say they aren’t homophobic but :// my mom suspects. She started really observing me a couple months ago and then proceeded by talking to me and saying that “no one should make you feel pressured to change sexuality” aka “doNt LeT yOur Gay FriEnDs tURn yOu GaY!” which was lovely. Being bi i have been dealing with trying to accept myself cause sometimes i think maybe im making this up for attention but then i think back to the girls who stole my heart.

My parents believe in corporal punishment. I used to believe that everyone’s parents hit them and it was only till 5th grade that i learned that wasn’t true. I can’t tell you all the times i had nightmares of my father chasing me down with a belt ready to hit me. My father stopped hitting me around the time i was 8 cause at that point i had been hit so many times that i always followed the rules and i was always being nice and respectful and giving myself over to people. But the hits stopping didn’t keep those nightmares away or the ideology that “if i do smthg wrong i deserve pain” i started hurting myself since the 6th grade. In 5th grade was the first time i seriously considered suicide. There is more to that story but im not ready to expose that part completely.

I have always been skinny. Except when i was born. When i was born i weighed more than all my cousins. But after that i was underweight almost all my life which conciquently meant that all my family members called me names (banana, monkey, carrot, stick, skinny [a negative form of the word in spanish]) and since i was built on a mindset of pleasing people before myself. I ate. This started occurring the first time when i was around 6. But it got to it’s worst in 8th grade when my grandmother visited for the first time and i kept seeing more family calling me these names and poking me and scolding me abt my weight. I started eating so much to the point that i would start vomiting. By the end of that year i gained 15 pounds and crossed the line of underwight to a bit above average. The doctor got worried abt me and so did my mom. My mother is plus size. She pushes her self doubt onto me “being skinny is better than being fat” “fat is ugly” and so on. So after the doctor’s visit i started starving myself and doing a lot of exercise. I developed various stretch marks and scars on my knees and i felt very suicidal. I always wanted to please people bc of the mentality. I lost my childhood in someways.

This is far from my whole story but this is why these months have been so hard. When i think of all this i can only think of wanting to stop everything. Giving up. Thank you to all my friends bc idk where i would be w/o you guys

[mynlov]

i’ve been trying rlly hard to be good abt eating so that i can finally lose weight and satisfy myself/la a.

i was thinking about how some ppl become so comfortable with their body image and spend a lot of time trying to convince other people to love themselves too but i honestly am so tired of thinking about those people because how can they accept themselves? i’m not saying it’s a problem or horrible to be overweight or ugly or whatever but i haven’t even tried to “love the way i look” or “accept my curves” or whatever because my “curves” are there because i’m overweight and i know for a fact that i would look objectively better if i were thinner. those are the facts so when people say “yeah but you’re beautiful now”, aside from the fact that they think they have to say that due to social convention etc, they’re missing the point entirely (those who actually think it). whether or not beauty matters to you, i would be more beautiful if i lost weight. i just would and it’s not arguable and i find it really tiring to skirt around the edges of political correctness or whatever the fuck, saying that “everyone is beautiful”. no, some things are more beautiful than others. a severely underweight person is largely likely to be far more beautiful if they are closer to their optimum weight. someone with raging acne will be more beautiful when their skin is clear. you shouldn’t beat yourself up because of your insecurities but you shouldn’t twist the definition of beauty, flexible as it is, to fit around them either. 

the reasons i want to lose weight and have wanted to lose weight for the past three or four years are:

my grandmother gives me a hard time about it and i want her to stop my mother gives me a hard time about it and i want her to stop i do not like feeling heavy i do not like comparing myself with other girls and seeing that they are prettier than me i do not like thinking about stupid things like g u y s and then feeling even more stupid because every1 is out of my league i am not confident about a lot of things so if i were comfortable with my physical image that would take a weight off my shoulders hahahahsughjsdffkl

you can decide whether or not you care about physical beauty. i know it’s vain and can lead to bad things if you focus on it too much, but i care a lot, and getting older hasn’t made me care less. it’s made me care more, so i’ll keep trying to lose weight and that’s it and i think i can stop feeling guilty now for wanting that. i want it for myself more than i want it for la a. or my mom, even though they have made it so hard for me. i want to prove to myself that i can do at least one thing that i set my mind to.