#i haven't had a nostalgia attack for early 2014 since probably late 2014 lol

[eggmeralda]

oop just unlocked 2014

#terrible idea #it's a really long story but basically i was massively obsessed with the clash in the first half of that year #and since then it was always seen as the most sacred hyperfixation of my life #so i never wanted to think about bc that era of my life was too good i couldn't even handle it #for the first time since then i am ascending to the clash and it's giving me an existential crisis #god i had such a solid identity in 2014 where did it go #i always split my ages as if they were separate people who i used to know #like deep down i know I'm still my 14yo self and she's still my 18yo and she's still my 3yo self etc. but i can't accept that? #some ages i can accept more than others? but some are almost off limits #''19 was too perfect don't touch it or you'll ruin it'' ''12 was too long ago you're not her anymore and you never will be again'' #but 14 #oh my god #i haven't had a nostalgia attack for early 2014 since probably late 2014 lol #I've never delved into that year #possibly bc i knew exactly who i was and i was aware of my existence but wasn't really bothered? #by the end of that year i started questioning everything but the start i was just vibing? #and if i think about my 14yo self i have to think about the fact that i am still her #which means i have to acknowledge my own existence #which is literally horrendous and also terrifying and i might die in the process #fuckfuckfuvkfuckfuvkvikvufivuccuvidifjdifisifjsisjdjfbsjfishdufysi #i just wanna go back in time and have a really long chat with my 14yo self and all my past selves #not about anything in particular we just talk about songs we like and who our fav characters are etc. #but they all die every new year to make way for a new age who will be having a completely different existential crisis to the previous one #what the fuck am i talking about #I'm literally still listening to the clash if my 14yo self could see me now she'd probably agree but she's dead rip :/ #ramble #sjdbsofbs #sjdbsufhsufudsnndefjfjaai #Kvuajdhcahduyahdcyuz #hell yeah boys i reached 30 tags