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projectalbum · 6 years

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All the best. 200. “Accelerate,” 201. “Collapse Into Now,” 202. “Unplugged 1991/2001: The Complete Sessions” by R.E.M.

After exhaustive touring, a greatest hits disc, and a dud album, the lovable lads from Athens, R.E.M., wisely took some time to figure things out before regrouping.

The four-year absence didn’t register with me, as I was collecting the back catalogue during that break. As far as I was concerned, new material was everywhere I looked, filling up my burgeoning record collection as I finished high school and started making my way through college. By the time Accelerate (#200) burst onto the scene in March 2008, I was a junior in film school, about to attend my first documentary festival. I put aside an extra $15 from my work study job to pick up the CD the day of release— the first time I’d been able to perform that record store* ritual for my favorite band. *(Though I didn’t have access to any record stores at the time, so it was likely procured from the closest Wal-Mart.)

Fast, lean, gritty, produced by a guy who goes by “Jacknife,” this set of songs could not be more of a deliberate course-correction from the overly fussy, mid-tempo Around The Sun. Peter Buck’s skills on the axe, often mixed way down on the previous album, here announce Accelerate's punk-ish purpose in the intro to “Living Well is the Best Revenge,” leading off with a dexterous riff before the drums come trampling in. Stipe spits furiously, with the best use of his full-throated tenor since New Adventures in Hi-Fi, and the rare bar to inspire a Fuck Yeah fist-pump: "Don't set your talking points on me / History will set me free / The future's ours and you don't even rate a footnote.” Recorded and released in the tail-end of the Bush years, there are unmistakable references, drawn in anger and in weariness, to the emotional tolls of that reign.

“If the storm doesn’t kill me, the government will,” Stipe muses at the top of “Houston,” a hair over 2 minutes but suffused with poignancy. It’s an acoustically-driven Western-tinged ballad that hearkens back to “Swan Swan H” or “Monty Got A Raw Deal,” but here the drums are splashy and blown-out, the organ serves a bleating counterpoint to the vocal, and bowed electric guitar bleeds through into the verses, serious as storm clouds. The intriguing production choices are what mark it as the Accelerate twist on familiar R.E.M. tropes. The chorus: “Houston is filled with promise / Laredo's a beautiful place / Galveston sings like that song that I love / Its meaning has not been erased” is stirring, as if to absolve the Lone Star state for spawning the political dynasty that led to 2 disastrous presidencies. "Belief has not filled me / And so I am put to the test” are the last words before distortion drowns out the melody like a fatal wave. The song has never left my head.

“Until The Day Is Done” is a more familiar flavor of the band’s earnest political identity— it even ended up scoring a CNN-produced piece on environmental issues. The lyrics approach the first two verses of Leonard Cohen’s “Everybody Knows” in reflecting a distressing capitalist landscape, and to read them is to find that the “business-first flat earthers” have only doubled-down in the decade since the song was released. But the lack of idiosyncrasies leaves us with a folky protest song, and it has a tendency to become oatmeal to the ear, nestled amongst the bolder sonic moments.

By which I mean the muscular guitar sounds and fast n’ furious arrangements on tracks like “Man-Sized Wreath,” “Accelerate,” “Horse To Water”— the revitalized band blowing up the electronic, art school solemnity of the preceding Bill Berry-less records. I remember I once put on Accelerate during a day of recording drive-by b-roll footage with some new coworkers, who enthused, “We were a little worried when you said you were gonna play R.E.M…. but this is really good!” I just glided past the implied criticism and took the positive note.

In early 2011, songs for their follow-up began to be released on YouTube and rolled out by the pop culture press. I’ll admit I was underwhelmed by what I heard. Accelerate’s novelty, its flouting of the band’s cliches, had me expecting another quantum leap in a wild direction. Collapse Into Now (#201) was feeling more like a greatest hits mashup.

“Discoverer” at times sounds like an interpolation of “Man-Sized Wreath” (compare the chorus of the former to the verses of the latter.) That exultant wordless harmonizing on “It Happened Today” is straight from “Belong” on Out of Time (plus special guest Eddie Vedder.) “Blue,” the closing track, takes equal parts New Adventures’ “E-Bow The Letter” (dark grinding minor key, Beat poetry, plus Patti Smith-voiced chorus) and Out of Time's “Country Feedback” (the chords sound similar, and the aching Peter Buck solo is back). I’d never before been able to identify the sonic inspirations so easily. However, for all my creeping dissatisfaction, as a true fanboy I knew the record would grow on me. The prophecy was indeed fulfilled.

The song that most represented the sound of a modern-day R.E.M. was “Mine Smell Like Honey.” It was unmistakably them, with the inscrutable lyrics, Michael in gravel-throated rock mode, a Mike Mills vocal harmony line designed to carry its own trajectory while lifting up the chorus, Buck with an indelible riff that doesn’t show off for its own sake— but it would fit right on modern rock radio in 2011, if that still existed. I had another one of my Best Buy PA system epiphanies, clicking this track into place, proving sometimes you need some huge speakers with good bass to truly experience certain songs. In a similar mode, “That Someone Is You” rockets by in under 2 minutes; a live-in-the-room ode to the feeling of meeting that exciting new person who'll lift you out of the mud.

The mid-tempo balladry is back as well, diversifying the sound from the previous release. In “Oh My Heart,” a direct sequel to ��Houston,” Stipe croons a New Orleans spiritual with "a new take on faith," while Buck's mandolin comes out of retirement for another sweet, sad melody, and Mills fills in the mournful choir. As with the song’s predecessor, it’s a high-point in the track listing that moves me whenever I hear it.

Before I had warmed to Collapse Into Now, I comforted myself with the idea that New LP equaled New Tour. I could finally catch my favorite band live! They told the press they had no plans to tour behind the record. Odd, but they were an institution, so they could take a pause. I’d recently witnessed Paul McCartney tearing through his hits in person, and he’d already blown past age 64. Then in September 2011, R.E.M. announced they had decided to “call it a day as a band”— a phrase designed to wave away the idea of Beatles-esque acrimony. I was, you can probably imagine, more than a little heartbroken. The previous tour had come within 2-and-a-half hours of my town back in ’08. At that point in my life, that seemed like a hassle: why not wait, see if they made it a little closer next time? Now, I wish I had put in the extra effort.

With this announcement, the sense of Collapse as R.E.M.’s tribute album to themselves came into focus. Stipe is even waving goodbye, for god’s sake, on the first album cover photo to clearly feature the faces of the whole band since 1985’s Fables of the Reconstruction. "It's just like me to overstay my welcome, bless” he sings with sheepish glee on “All The Best.” Shrouded by the spirit-radio-filtered effect of his “Blue” recitation comes his clearest statement of purpose: "I want Whitman proud. Patti Lee proud. My brothers proud. My sisters proud. I want me. I want it all,” and then Patti Lee (Smith), one of his earliest lead singer inspirations, draws the narrative to a close… before the ringing jangle of opener “Discoverer” reprises and concludes. The book’s been closed shut… but the story of the band’s music continues.

There was the inevitable plundering of the vaults. An over-arching Best Of record, finally combining songs from the I.R.S. and WB catalogues (didn’t buy it), with 3 brand new recordings (they’re ok). Two digital-only “Complete Rarities” collections, encompassing hours of b-sides and soundtrack cuts (lotta great stuff, but this week WB removed all of theirs from Spotify, so I’m pretty perturbed).

In 2014, 3 years into my mourning period, they announced Unplugged 1991/2001 (#202), a 2-CD set of their appearances on the MTV show where bands play intimate, stripped-down acoustic sets… you know, in front of multiple TV cameras capturing every angle. Now this got me excited, maybe more than I had been for their swan song record— Bob Dylan Unplugged, Paul McCartney Unplugged, and The Unplugged Collection Vol. 1 had all got a lot of play in my home through the years. Other than my favorite version of “Half A World Away” closing out the Vol. 1 compilation, and a burned, hand-labeled CD-R I had once glimpsed on a coffee table during a realtor’s house tour, recordings of R.E.M.’s appearance on the show didn’t seem to exist until now. I pre-ordered that bad boy.

The set is a snapshot of two very different eras for the band: Disc 1 features them on the cusp of superstardom fueled by Out Of Time’s success, with the classic lineup of Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe and support from Peter Holsapple. Disc 2 finds them down to a three-piece, supporting Reveal, a record that never got its due, with their frequent contributors Scott McCaughey and Joey Waronker filling out the sound. “Losing My Religion” is on both discs, of course, from the bright new hit that pumps up the crowd to a warmly-recieved old friend.

The treat in hearing these shows is also two-fold. There’s the way that familiar tunes get adapted to the setting: “It’s The End of the World...” is transformed into a Friday night Americana hoe-down, while “The One I Love” is slowed down to a gritty lament with a slightly varied vocal melody. After the 2nd chorus and an instrumental bridge in “Country Feedback,” Stipe folds lines from Dylan's “Like A Rolling Stone” into the tune, a goosebump-inspiring moment.

Then there’s the added benefit of songs that I’d once slept on revealing their power in the live arrangements. The 2001 show closes with several tracks from Reveal, and free of all electronic touches, the choruses of “Disappear” and “Beat A Drum,” well, revealed themselves to me, becoming new earworms and spawning a personal reevaluation of the album. “Find The River” had once been a pleasant-enough closer on Automatic For The People, but a step down from the iconic “Nightswimming” that precedes it. Now it’s a new favorite, and I’m prone to singing it loud with embarrassing over-earnestness.

With the band truly well and dissolved (and no cynical cash-grab “reunion tours” planned, those damn jerks and their integrity), the repackaging of older material is the only avenue left for unheard R.E.M. music. The studio albums are greeting their landmark anniversaries with special editions: Automatic’s 25th was recently celebrated with various configurations of physical release, including one with a disc of demos and a 5.1 surround sound Blu-ray that I WILL possess one day, damnit! Just this week, their social media team announced a sprawling set of BBC sessions and interviews, hopefully to be made available on streaming services in addition to the fancy 9-disc set (I know, sacrilege in my blog about physical media, but space is at a premium and I haven’t even COVERED the live DVDs and music video collections I already have of these guys).

There’s even a podcast exclusively about the band! The exceedingly silly interplay between Scott Aukerman and Adam Scott was enough to get me to listen to several eps of their previous U2-centric show (a band that I’m fairly positive towards), so "R U Talkin’ R.E.M. RE: ME?,” in which they go album-by-album through the discography, was appointment listening from the jump. I couldn’t help but sprinkle inside jokes from the podcast into my first entry. Fuckin’ stoked!

It’s hard to articulate how much R.E.M.’s music has meant to me. There’s undeniable power in finding art when you’re young and unsteady. To ally yourself with a favorite band, especially one that clearly creates from a place of conscience and empathy, is to find a solid stone floor that supports you when you’re at your most weighted down. It’s easy for me to hold onto nearly 2 dozen discs because there’s so much variety. They could uplift, interrogate the status quo, offer humor or succor or an outlet for the uncertainty we struggle with. Michael Stipe sang about identity, queerness, nature, hypocrisy, anger, tenderness, artists, politicians, outsiders, expressive freedom, and quiet contemplation. These lyrics came from what he saw and felt but they were conjured by the instrumentals constructed by Peter Buck, Mike Mills, and for years Bill Berry. Jangle-rock or country-western or chamber pop or folk or glam or electronica— they busted through genres with grace and power; immutability was not an option. They couldn’t finish a record until Michael had the words; Michael had their blueprint on tape to fill his ears until the images flowed.

“Here’s a little agit for the never believer / Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah / Here’s a little ghost for the offering,” Stipe sang in his 11th hour, one-take performance of “Man On The Moon.” Now I offer a 20-song Document of the R.E.M. songs that mean the most to me at this moment. It nearly killed me to whittle it down, and your favorite probably isn’t on it. The song I just quoted isn’t even on it! But that’s the power of R.E.M., where the subjective experience rules all.

#R.E.M.#michael stipe #peter buck #Mike Mills #Accelerate #collapse into now #unplugged #mtv unplugged #man on the moon #album cover #cd #cd collection #music blog #rock #alternative #pop #album art

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deansoutros · 7 years

Text

Black [M]

A/N: this one is a little long, sorry :(

characters: dean x oc, zico x oc, crush, rome

genre: angst(ish?), university au

rated: m, alcoholism, stoners(lol), violence, abuse, sexual content(not in this ch)

CH1

chapter 2:

dean let go of me and heoyang immediately ran to him. she grabbed his arm and without hesitation he yanked it back.

“dean…why would you believe someone you met a month ago?! I’m your-“

“leave” dean’s eyes were so cold and she noticed that right away.

“dean..”

“LEAVE” he spat. I didn’t know what to do, I stood there frozen, watching them.

“but dean, please just-”

“what part of LEAVE don’t you fucking understand?! are you fucking deaf?!” he growled at her, everyone was just..watching like me.

“all of you fucking leave, if you don’t live here get the fuck out.” he looked at the crowd of people. christian pushed through them all and took a hold of dean’s arm but again, he yanked it away.

“don’t fucking touch me. get all these people the fuck out of here”

“calm down man, let’s go inside”

“NO, EVERYONE FUCKING LEAVE” he shoved everyone aside and made his way inside to the dj. christian followed him and within seconds the music had disappeared. heoyang began walking towards dean but I grabbed a handful of hair and pulled her back. I got close enough to her, making sure she could smell the alcohol I had in my system.

“get the fuck away from here or I will rip your fake ass lips off your pretty little face instead of just busting them open.” I whispered into her ear. she looked back at me and I pushed her forward. the dude from earlier went to her aid and once she was up, she looked at me, dabbing at her bleeding lip.

“he loves me, not you. I could fuck him over again and he would still come crawling back to me. what? think this is the first time? you know nothing about him. so stop acting like he gives a shit about you sweetheart.” her lips formed a wicked smile and she wrapped her arm around the guy, stumbling her way away from the party. the crowed started whispering to each other and looked at me like they expected me to do something.

“what? what the fuck are you looking at?! leave, ALL OF YOU LEAVE, YOU HEARD HIM. PARTY’S OVER, GO!” I was so confused and frustrated that I started shoving people away until I heard the sound of glass smash inside the boys’ place accompanied by a scream that was too familiar. I ran inside to find sochi covering her mouth with her hands, zico in front of her in a protective stance.

“sochi what’s wrong?!” I ran to her and she pointed in front of her. dean was grabbing his hair, his head was down and blood was dripping off of him. he stood in front of a shattered mirror in the dining room. christian and crush were trying their best to calm him down. he looked up and his eyes met mine, zico grabbed me and pushed me behind him as well.

“what the hell zico”

“you” dean growled. I was so confused as to what was going on until dean rushed to me. zico pushed him back, crush and christian grabbing his arms in attempt to take him away.

“you’re fucking drunk get away from her.” dean ignored zico and looked at me.

“you’re a bitch, you’re no better than she is. you’re just as fake as her. fuck you chaeyeon.” his words pierced daggers through me. I shoved zico off me and grabbed dean’s collar, jerking him forward and looking into his eyes.

“I’m not scared of you. if you want to hit me then do it. I’m sorry that your girl can’t keep her fucking legs closed.” tears had filled my eyes, not because I was sad but from anger. I shoved dean back as hard as I could.

“fuck you too” I walked out, jisu and nayeon rushing to my side. I ignored them and walked home, going straight up to my room. I slammed the door in their faces and jisu knocked.

“chae c’mon open the door. he’s drunk and heartbroken he didn’t mean it. he wouldn’t hurt you.”

“go away.”

“chae, please.” jisu begged.

“I said GO AWAY!” I heard jisu whisper something to nayeon and they both walked back downstairs.

I grabbed my phone and turned it off, I wanted no connection to anyone right now. I just wanted to be alone. I was so angry and I didn’t know if it was with myself or dean. I blamed myself for tonight and in reality, it really was my fault. although I didn’t regret busting heoyang’s face open, I kind of did. I should’ve told dean earlier and that was also my mistake. I understood why he was so upset and that’s what angered me the most. I was mad at myself, not him. the alcohol only made it worse. he was right, I wasn’t any better. I was just as fake as her because all this time I had been protecting her. her words rushed back to me then, and I realized she was also right. I didn’t know anything about dean. I acted like I knew him, what? just because I was always with him? because for the past month and a half I spent every day with him? dean had become my best friend but I realized that I didn’t know him. if I had never gone to tell them to shut the fuck up that first night this would have never happened. everything was so wrong and it was all my fault. no one could deny that.

I sat on the edge of my bed, elbows on my knees and my head hung low. tears had been falling onto the floor. I wiped my eyes and laid back. the alcohol had my emotions on a high and all I was filled with was anger. I knew I was more upset than I should’ve been but I couldn’t control it which angered me more. I stared at the ceiling and my body became heavy. I began to feel the room spinning so I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. before I knew it, I was out.

I woke up with my head pounding. I was still wearing the clothes from last night but I noticed my makeup had been removed. I looked to my side and sochi was asleep. I figured she snuck into my room when I fell asleep and that would also explain my makeup. I rolled out of bed and the moment I stood up, I felt vile making its way up my throat. I ran to the bathroom and gagged in the toilet for a bit before spilling last night’s dinner into it. I unintentionally woke sochi up and she ran to me, holding my hair back and rubbing my back.

after vomiting for what felt like 10 years, I sat back against the tub. sochi rubbed my back and hooked her arms under mine.

“c’mon lets brush your teeth.”

I felt so weak but the disgusting taste lingered in my mouth so I did as I was told. I got up and made my way to the sink with her help. she handed me my toothbrush with a line of toothpaste and I brushed my teeth. I rinsed my mouth out and swallowed the tap water to relieve the trail of vile left in my throat. I splashed my face with water and took a look in the mirror.

“god, I look like shit.”

“I’ve seen worse.” I looked at sochi and chuckled, shaking my head.

“you okay?” she asked.

“yeah, I’m fine.” I nodded and she helped me back to my room. she sat me down on the bed and took a seat next to me.

“how did you get in? I thought I locked my door.” I said.

“you did. you also forgot that I know where you keep the spare key in case you lock yourself out.” her phone dinged and she reached for it. I grabbed the tv control and turned it on, laying back in bed.

“zico wants to take us out for breakfast, do you want to come?” at the mention of his name, last night’s events rushed back to me. sochi noticed and she went back to typing.

“I’ll just tell him we’ll take a raincheck”

“no, no it’s okay. let’s go!” I managed to crack a smile and her eyebrows furrowed together.

“it’ll be just us three but are you sure?” I nodded and she texted him back.

“we have an hour to get ready so I’m going to shower, you should too, it’ll help you feel better.” I nodded and headed to the bathroom. sochi went to the downstairs bathroom and showered as well.

I let the cold water hit me for a while before I actually cleaned up. my head was still pounding and all I could think about was how awkward it was going to be if I saw dean. I was running different scenarios in my head, planning out what I would say in each one. I was mentally preparing for the best and for the worst.

it was hot out so I dressed in short olive overalls with a black crop top under. my hair was in boxer braids and I grabbed my sunglasses before heading out the door. sochi was outside waiting for me with zico.

“hey babe” zico walked over to me and gave me a hug.

“ready to go?” he smiled and looked at both sochi and I. we nodded and he lead us to his car. I hopped in and took a look at the parking lot. one of dean’s cars was missing. the nice sports car wasn’t in it’s usual spot, it wasn’t anywhere in the parking lot.

“where is he” I looked at zico through his mirror. he knew who I was talking about and sochi kept quiet.

“he left early this morning and hasn’t come back.” my face remained blank but he knew that inside I was about to become a ball of anxiety wondering where dean was.

“he’s probably at his parent’s summer home outside the city, he goes there when he’s upset. he’ll be back soon.” I nodded and was slightly relieved.

“so where are we going?” I asked in attempt to change the mood.

“there’s this place downtown that’s really good. it’s a local place called mom’s. you will both love it.”

after breakfast, zico took us to the mall. we walked around different stores and I purchased a couple of tops but I kept falling behind them. all I was doing was looking at my phone. a part of me wanted dean to text me but I knew that I was the one who had been in the wrong and it was my job to apologize but apologizing and admitting I was wrong wasn’t something that came easy to me.

after a while we went back home and I noticed that the car was still missing. we had been out for three hours. zico noticed that I was searching for the car and he grabbed my shoulder.

“want me to text him?” I nodded and he took his phone out. I patiently waited for a reply and once received, zico showed me the phone.

“he’s at the summer home. don’t worry okay?”

“okay” I replied.

“zico and I are going to watch a movie at his place, come!” sochi said.

“it’s okay, I’ll pass on this one. I have a physics exam on monday. I’m going to go study but have fun.”

sochi and zico wished me luck and I went home. I walked upstairs to my room and grabbed my textbook and notebook. all I did for the rest of that weekend was study. I didn’t leave the house so I didn’t know if he was back yet but I dedicated my thoughts to these stupid laws created by these dead people or whatever. it was hard to not think about how he was, especially because I was using his little ticks and techniques to remember things. once Monday rolled around, I headed off to class at around 8:30am and I saw no sign of the car again.

“physics test, physics test” I whispered to myself. I needed to get my head out of my ass. I had a test I couldn’t afford to fail and that’s all my energy needed to be on today.

the week went by and still no sign of dean. I spent my days with zico and sochi instead. we went out for lunch a lot and stayed at the library some nights. zico tried his best to keep me updated but he gave me the same news every time.

“he’s at the summer home, he will be back in a few days, don’t worry.”

that Friday I got my physics exam back. I got the second highest score and I immediately had the urge to text dean. I stood outside my classroom debating whether or not I should do it but my thoughts were interrupted.

“hey ugly” christian gently prodded his finger into my cheek and I smiled.

“hey, what are you doing here?”

“I have class down the hall and I saw you here staring at your phone.”

“ah, yeah, I was just gonna text…sochi!”

“wait is that, let me see that.” he took the stapled pages from my hand and examined the bright red ink at the top of the paper accompanied by a galaxy sticker.

“great job kiddo, I’m proud!” he raised his hand with the most genuine smile plastered across his face.

“thanks” I gave him a high five and grinned as I took my papers back. for once this week, I didn’t feel so alone.

“let’s celebrate tonight! something simple of course. what about a game night?” I nodded and gently shoved him back.

“yes yes okay now go you have 2 minutes to get to class!”

“oh shit, alright I’ll see you later!” he ran off and I turned back to my phone before putting it away.

as I was walking into the parking lot of our home I saw zico running to his car. he was in a hurry and looked a bit worried. when I heard the car engine turn on I ran to him and knocked on the window.

“where are you going, is everything okay?”

“chae- yeah I’m just…going to the library!” he was lying. his smile was fake and his left foot was tapping against the side of the door.

“lie one more time and I’ll rip your hair out pretty boy.” he sighed, hesitating to open his mouth again.

“don’t freak out okay?”

“tell me”

“it’s just, it’s not a big deal it’s just…dean that’s all but he’s fine it’s okay” every bad thought rushed into my mind.

“what about him? where is he?”

“still at the summer home, but I’m going to go get him okay so don -” I didn’t even let him finish before I tossed my backpack in the back seat and got in the car with him.

“ok let’s go”

“no, no you can’t come”

“don’t tell me what I can and can’t do okay. I haven’t heard from him for an entire week now drive or I’ll drag you out of the car and drive myself.” he sighed again, this time cursing under his breath but he listened and drove off.

“why are you in a rush?”

“listen chae, when he gets upset he leaves. he’s never left for more than two days so I’ve been calling him to make sure he’s okay and he’s just been really drunk but today he was saying weird stuff and…I felt the need to go get him.”

“what weird stuff?”

“he’s just not sounding like himself which he isn’t. he’s drunk out of his mind which is why I’m afraid he’ll do something stupid. he was telling me about how he isn’t important to anyone and, fuck I don’t know man, the kid is just acting suicidal.” I listened to every word that came out of his mouth and again, every bad thought filled my head. if something happened to him because we weren’t there soon enough I would only blame myself. my big ass mouth is the real fucking problem here. fuck why do I have to be so nosy.

it seemed like zico was driving for hours but the house was only 30 minutes away. every minute in that car felt like an hour. zico had his hand over mine most of the time in reassurance, he really was the older brother I never had. we finally pulled up to a huge house. it was so modern and this thing was easily worth a million bucks. I was too worried to be in awe though, so I hopped out of the car and followed zico. he pulled his keys out and opened the door.

“dean? where are you? it’s zico bro.” he reached for my hand and I grabbed his. we walked into the living area only to find empty beer cans everywhere.

“dean c’mon man.” he called out again.

“go away” a voice echoed from the kitchen and zico turned around, running towards the counter. I followed him and there he was. he was sitting on the kitchen floor leaning against the counter with a bottle of fireball in his hand. his eyes were glazed and red. I could tell he had been crying. he looked up at me and sat up.

“what are you doing here” he mumbled. at that moment I was filled with anger all over again. tears swelled up in my eyes, as they usually did when I was mad, and I fell to my knees in front of him, ripping the bottle out of his hand. I punched his chest over and over again and he tried to stop me by grabbing my arms but I only hit harder.

“fuck you. fuck you for leaving like that. aren’t you supposed to be my best friend you fucking idiot!” he grabbed my fists and pulled me into his chest. I surrendered to him and let him embrace me but I didn’t hug back.

“you fucking asshole I know I was wrong but you didn’t even give me the opportunity to apologize and then you disappeared and I had a stupid physics exam with no one to help me and I got the second highest score and I wanted to tell you but you weren’t there. I was stuck with shrek and fiona all week do you know how gross that was?! then I came home to find out that you were being a little bitch and saying stupid shit.”

I slipped out of his grip and punched his chest again.

“not important?” my fist met his shoulder and he brought his hand up to rub it.

“then tell me why I was so sad this week, why I was so angry huh?!” I went to hit him again but this time he caught my fist. I was so angry I didn’t know what was coming out of my mouth. dean cracked a smile and a chuckle escaped his lips.

“what are you laughing at you idiot?!”

“you.”

“dean I am going to break your arm.”

“I missed you too” he blurted out.

“listen, I’m really drunk so I’m probably going to talk out of my ass.”

“you do that when you’re sober anyways” I growled as I pulled my hand away from him, wiping the streaks of liquid that had been running down my cheeks.

“you make a good point there. but seriously-” his face suddenly turned a pale green and his eyes fluttered. I knew that signal too well but before I could move, I was covered in puke. I heard zico failing to contain his laughter behind me and I turned around to glare at him. he immediately shut up.

“oh fuck” dean mumbled, grabbing onto the top of the counter for support as he tried to stand up.

“let me get you clothes” he was barely audible. surprisingly, I wasn’t as upset as I thought I would be. zico grabbed dean’s shoulder, turning him to the sink.

“I’ll get her clothes bro. chae can you get some water and give it to him, I’ll be back with some clothes for you, sorry about that.” he couldn’t contain his laughter once he took a look at my shirt and he stopped laughing once my first met his shoulder.

“fuck you zico” I rolled my eyes and he walked off laughing to himself. I opened random cupboards until I found the glasses, filling one with water and handing it to dean who still had his head in the sink. he took the glass and chugged the water like he had been deprived of it for years.

“slow down” I urged him but he had already finished the glass. I grabbed a napkin from the counter and tilted his chin up toward me. he looked at me with half lidded eyes, his cheeks were so rosy and flushed and his hair was a mess. he also reeked of alcohol. his wet lips curled into a smile as he looked at me and I wiped the mixture of water and saliva off his mouth.

“I’m sorry” he whispered. I sighed and pushed his hair back in attempt to fix it.

“you shouldn’t be. I should be apologizing but I would like to talk about this when you’re sober okay?” he nodded in response. we stood there in silence for a moment as I continued to stroke his hair back and he just watched me. I was covered in puke and he was covered in drool and water, it probably wasn’t a cute scene but in that moment it was all we needed.

“come home.” I broke the silence.

“only if you promise me something” he incoherently exerted.

“what?”

“stay with me today. just today. I’ve been alone all week. you can even sleep on my bed, I’ll take the couch in my room.” I contemplated. the girls and I had stayed at the guy’s house til late hours but we had never stayed there since we lived literally 10 feet away. I didn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea but I also wanted to be there for my friend and I wanted to sort things out.

“okay, I promise.” I said. he couldn’t even form a smile anymore. god he was so drunk. zico returned with a large t shirt and handed it to me.

“go change, I’ll take him to the car and meet you there okay?” I nodded and headed to the bathroom to clean up and change.

the whole ride home dean had been laughing by himself and mumbling inaudible things. he got so annoying but whenever I tried to tell him to shut up he looked like a child and I didn’t have the heart to do it. once we arrived home zico practically had to carry him out. thank god his bedroom was the one downstairs or else I don’t know how the fuck we would’ve gotten him upstairs. it was only 4pm so the other boys weren’t home yet. with my help, zico managed to get him to his bed where he knocked out almost instantly.

“I was eavesdropping earlier, so you’re staying right?” he said. I smacked his shoulder in response.

“ow!”

“shut up you’ll wake him up you idiot. I’m going to go home and take a shower and bring some of my stuff so leave the door unlocked you pinhead.”

“pinhead?!”

“yeah that’s your new name”

after I showered I grabbed my laptop and a couple of toiletries before heading back. I also ate a snack because I knew the guys would probably just have hot pockets and bagel bites.

“chae, where you going?” sochi looked at me from the couch as I headed to the front door.

“we uh..well, zico and I brought dean back but he’s drunk out of his mind and I promised I’d stay with him tonight.” her face immediately changed to a sly expression and I knew exactly what she was thinking of.

“I will go over there and punch you sochi.” she raised her hands in defense.

“I didn’t say anything!” I grabbed a pillow from the other couch and tossed it at her before leaving.

when I walked into the boys place they were all in the living room playing ps4. they didn’t even notice I walked in but that wasn’t such a bad thing. I went to dean’s room and he was still passed out. I had left for about two almost three hours but I didn’t expect him to wake up for a few more hours. I grabbed his desk chair and placed it next to his bed. I took a seat and began playing with his hair.

“why would you think that you aren’t important to me. I mean I know we haven’t exactly known each other for long but we became really close really fast. by the second week of school you already knew how to push my buttons and how to make me laugh. which by the way isn’t an easy task.” I continued to play with his hair and laid my head against the bed so I was facing him.

“I’m sorry. I was a terrible friend. I should’ve told you right away. that was my mistake and I’ll admit it. it was a shitty thing of me to do. apologizing fixes nothing but I really am sorry. if I could go back and change my actions, I would. although another part of me wouldn’t because then I wouldn’t be here with you having a moment. you can’t hear but, I like this. talking to you even though you can’t reply. you know I had to spend all week with shrek and fiona. it sucked. I mean they were nice and I didn’t feel like a third wheel but I knew that they would have rather been alone than with me. I missed you, you ugly ass. I went to the farmer’s market on thursday with nayeon and jisu and it just wasn’t the same. they were so lame. all they wanted to do was look at the jewelry and eat the samples. every time I came out of chem lab you weren’t there which means I had to eat lunch from the dining hall. how could you do that to me? you got me accustomed to eating wings after chem and I had to eat some ugly ass pasta with like half a meatball. it was terrifying.”

“fatass” his raspy voice caught me off guard. he kept his eyes closed but his lips soon formed that familiar smile. I sat up and immediately removed my hand from his hair, a whine followed my actions.

“keep doing that it feels good.” he groaned. I chuckled and resumed my position, tugging his hair instead of playing with it. his brows knit together and he squinted his eyes.

“ow, not like that” he swatted my hand away as his eyes fluttered open. his hands rose to his eyes, rubbing them. he groaned again as he stretched.

“how long have you been here for?” he asked.

“like 10 minutes.”

“I’m still a little out of it but I’m better. I can barely remember what happened. I just remember you beating the shit out of me.”

“I did not! what the hell don’t make false accusations!”

“then why do I have a bruise on my chest?” he tugged his shirt down to expose his upper chest. there was a blue bruise forming, splattered across the left side of his body, right over his tattoo. I felt bad but I didn’t want him to know.

“that’s…not even bad okay I’ve had worse.” I pushed his shirt back up and rolled my eyes. I could barely see him now, the room was dark and the sunlight was almost gone.

“you bruise easily chaeyeon, we all know this. crush hit you with a ping pong ball on accident once and you got a bruise.”

“shut up or I’ll give you more.” I growled. he leaned over me, reaching into his drawer. he was so clumsy, a couple of things spilled out of the drawer.

“fuck” he cursed. I shook my head and turned the night stand’s lamp on. I looked down and there were condoms covering the floor and a bottle of advil between them. dean quickly sat up and rushed to gather them all. I could tell he was embarrassed. I had never felt awkward with him but at this moment I did. I mean I knew he had sex, who doesn’t in college? but my best friend having sex in general wasn’t something I wanted to imagine let alone with a girl I punched last week. he struggled to pick them all up but once he did, he shoved them back into the drawer and grabbed the pill bottle.

“uh, sorry…about that” he stuttered out. I laughed, reassuring him that it was fine. he still felt awkward though and I did too just a bit but it really wasn’t something to feel weird about. it’s a natural human thing right?

he opened the pill bottle and as he was pouring the tablets into his hand I stopped him.

“are you stupid? you’re still drunk. put it away, I’ll get you some water instead.” he looked up at me and nodded in agreement. I got up and made my way to the kitchen. the boys were still playing but zico was in the kitchen grabbing a cup of juice. I walked over to the counter and gabbed a water bottle, zico observed me, blocking my way out of the kitchen.

“move or I’ll move you pinhead.” I muttered.

“aggressive.” he replied. I playfully rolled my eyes.

“how is he?”

“fine, he’s still fucked up but he’s in his senses now”

“good. christian is set on having a game night in your honor or whatever so I’m going to grab some drinks and pizza or something. tell the girls so come over at 10ish and we’ll just chill yeah?” I had forgotten about that. I felt kind of bad because I knew dean wasn’t feeling good yet but I felt rude if I said no.

“okay I’ll text them. let me grab some cash before you go though”

“um no way it’s on us kiddo. this is in celebration of you kicking ass in the college of physical sciences! I sound so smart when I say that” I was genuinely amused by his statement. he disheveled my hair before walking back to the living room and I smacked his shoulder on the way out.

“here, drink some water. your head probably hurts because you’re dehydrated” I handed dean the bottle and he sat up, taking a sip. he patted the spot next to him, motioning me to sit. I took a seat and he leaned his head against my shoulder.

“did you hear everything I said earlier?”

“yeah, I did” he took a moment before he continued speaking, adjusting so his head was now on my lap. he looked up at me and I placed my hand on his hair, twirling some pieces between my fingers.

“I want to be honest with you. I was hurt that you would keep it from me more than anything else. I don’t know, I just…I thought you were someone I could trust and at that moment I just felt betrayed. the alcohol didn’t help either. my reaction was still way out of line and aggressive and I apologize for that. you’re not a bitch and you aren’t fake. it still hurts that you chose to keep it from me but it was a mistake and we all make them. I just hope that from now on we can be honest with each other, at least about things that involve both of us. yeah, I was heartbroken and still am I mean I really loved her, for 2 years, 2 fucking years. I guess I just wasn’t enough. she’s done that before but she said she was drunk and it meant nothing so I believed her. now I’m questioning whether she ever loved me back or if I just wasted two years of my life. I don’t know where I went wrong, I always did what made her happy. I know this is probably tmi but you saw the condoms and you probably already assumed it but, she always wanted sex. I feel like that’s all we would do sometimes. for the past year, it barely even felt like I was in a relationship. all we did was fuck and I felt like it meant nothing to her. I’m probably too old fashioned but when I have sex with my partner it’s more than sex but she wasn’t affectionate. she just wanted dick. fuck, it’s so irritating. this girl, was my world and I meant nothing to her, I was just there to make her feel good.”

he poured his heart out to me and for a moment I felt his pain. I knew the feeling very well actually. I hadn’t talked about this with anyone except sochi. she’s the only one who knew the details of my disgusting past.

“it’s not your fault, it’s hers. she knew what she had and she still made the choices she did so fuck her. it was her mistake. I should’ve told you right away even if I didn’t know you.” I felt tears rise to the rim of my eyes and I fought to retain them but he quickly noticed. he sat up and wrapped his arms around me in a half-hug.

“hey it’s okay, it’s in the past chae”

“so? why does everyone think that the past is the past and we shouldn’t look back? just because things happened a while ago doesn’t mean they don’t affect you now. it doesn’t mean that just because it’s in the past it stays there.”

“you aren’t talking about heoyang are you” I turned to look at him. his eyes were filled with sorrow, he had figured it out quickly. I looked down at my hands before speaking.

“two years ago, my first year here, I met this guy. he was so good to me. after a couple of months we started dating and that’s when everything went black. I wouldn’t be allowed to leave my dorm unless I was with him or I had class. he always wanted me to be at his place. he was a junior so he had his own place. for weeks at a time I would stay there because he didn’t want me to leave, he didn’t let me leave. on the weekends we would go out but I wasn’t allowed to drink or do anything, just him. we would get home and he would be….aggressive. when I said I’ve had worse bruises I meant it. I do bruise easily which made things worse. one time I had a bruise that ran up my entire leg and another that covered my thighs and lower stomach. I was too afraid to say anything or to try and defend myself. some days were really good and he made me happy. other days my presence pissed him off. nayeon noticed all my bruises but never said anything until toward the end of second semester when I showed up to lab with a black eye and a gash on my forehead. she tried to talk sense into my dense brain but I was convinced that he loved me and that he didn’t mean to hurt me, it was just his only way of dealing with anger. the last week before finals I decided to surprise him before I had to go back home but he surprised me. I snuck into his house and did the cliché thing with the roses in bed and whatever only to have him walk into my scene with another girl. she was just as surprised as I was. he screamed at me and I prepared for the strike but the girl didn’t let him hit me. she saw how bruised up I was and beat the shit out of him and took me away. she told me that she had been dating him for 8 months. I felt like my world had fallen apart and my heart ached. so I know how you feel. it seems so stupid to be so hurt over “love” but the pain is almost unbearable when you’re going through it. but it isn’t the end of the world. it gets better, a lot better. and sometimes the most terrible experiences give you some of the most precious things in life just like that asshole gave me that girl, he gave me a best friend. he gave me sochi.”

I had just exposed my biggest, most embarrassing secret to him. sochi was the only person who had known all of this up until now. he stayed silent for a moment and pulled me into his arms. by the way he was breathing I could tell he was angry. I wrapped my arms around him as well and leaned into his chest. there were no words that needed to be said. he understood me and I understood him.

“I’m sorry. I promise I didn’t want to hit you, I’m not just saying that because you told me this, I really wasn’t going to hit you that night. I would never hurt you, drunk or not. if I even thought of it I would personally ask zico to push me off a cliff.”

“it’s okay, I’ve learned how to take care of myself and if you thought of hitting me I would probably be the one to push you off a cliff.” he smiled and held me tighter, planting a kiss on my temple.

“so sappy, don’t worry I didn’t hear anything. just that dean wants me to push him off a cliff, which I will gladly do.” zico was standing at the door, I hadn’t even noticed he was there. I slipped out of dean’s hold and scowled at zico. he shrugged and pointed at the door, implying that we should close it next time.

“I’m heading to the store to grab the drinks and then to pick up some pizza’s and wings for tonight. ya’ll want anything else?”

“tonight?” dean questioned.

“yeah, we’re having a game night to celebrate that one’s exam score.” zico pointed at me. I was afraid dean wouldn’t be in the mood to have a little gathering here but he lit up right away.

“fuck yeah. I’m going to shower really quick then.” dean quickly got up, rushing out of his room and dragging zico along with him. and shutting the door behind them. I stayed staring at the door. that was suspicious, he was up to something but I decided to let him have his moment.

the girls got here at 10. the boys had bought pizza and wings and some beer. dean had a special request of weed since he wasn’t in the mood to drink for the 100th time that week. it wasn’t anything special, most of us were in our pj’s. zico, sochi,, jisu, christian and dean sat on the couches, crush sat on a dining room chair along with nayeon and I sat on the floor, between dean’s legs. we had all been talking, drinking, eating and smoking for almost an hour until christian had the oh so brilliant idea to play dare or drink. with some hesitation from jisu and I, we all eventually gave in and agreed. by now, I was crossed. the alcohol had settled in and I kept taking bong hits. we all poured some of our drink into one cup. if the person didn’t want to take the dare, they drank from the cup, that was basically all hard liquor, for 5 seconds.

“christian, you first. trade shirts with nayeon for the rest of the night.” crush said. nayeon was wearing a very small, tight crop top with a razor back.

“oh c’mon I don’t even think I can fit into that!”

“you’ll never know if you don’t try boo.” nayeon teased. christian shook his head.

“give me the cup I don’t want to be responsible for ripping a shirt that’s probably worth more than my entire outfit”

“dude it’s not even that bad of a dare, weak ass!” crush gently shoved christian’s shoulder before passing him the cup of death. we were all amused by his refusal but nonetheless he drank. christian was the only one of us that could handle his liquor well.

“that’s so brave. fuck that cup. christian chose the next victim” nayeon commented.

“alright, alright. I think I’ll be nice and do my friends a favor.” we were all confused by his remark until he turned to look at sochi with a sly smirk plastered across his lips.

“SOCHI!” his eyebrows raised and zico looked at him. sochi’s expression went slightly blank.

“let’s make some room on the couch for nayeon yeah? how about you take a seat right here for the rest of the game.”’ christian patted zico’s lap and blood rushed to sochi's cheeks. she looked at all of us and I mouthed “do it” to her.

“okay,” she nodded. “there’s no way in hell I’m drinking from that cup” she got up and stumbled her way to his lap. zico’s instinctively wrapped his arms around her waist and we all “ooh”ed like children. she hid her face in his chest and he gave christian a thumbs up. we all laughed. they were so cute. it was only a matter of time before they made things official.

“you find this funny chaeyeon?!” she blurted out. fuck, this bitch was about to fuck me up, I felt it.

“I do” I replied, taking a sip of my drink. she leaned over to grab the cup of death, passing it to me. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.

“here, drink it” she said.

“is that my dare?” I chortled.

“no but you won’t do your dare so take the cup”

I scoffed, pushing the cup back to her. everyone was watching us, entertained and curious as to what was so bad that I wouldn’t do it.

“try me” I said. she pointed her cup at dean and he looked more confused than ever but I knew what was about to come out of her mouth.

“kiss him. kiss dean.”

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