#i just. don't have the self-esteem for it and my brain immediately sabotages even just idle fantasy scenarios | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gale-in-space · 24 days

Text

Alright, I'm feeling open and uninhibited for no particular reason, so I'm gonna go for it. What the hell.

I highly suspect that I have npd, or narcissistic personality disorder to the uninitiated. Or at the very least, I feel like I definitely have traits of it.

I think a lot of people don't really understand what npd is. I didn't, for sure. I think initial gut reactions to npd tend to be ones of disgust and fear mainly, which are often colored by people's impressions that npd is nothing more than the following: 1) excessive self-absorption 2) a massive superiority complex and 3) utter disregard for others.

It's really a lot more complex than that. A lot of this stuff, at least in my experience, stems from trauma. In my case, it's maladaptive thought patterns and behaviors that maybe served me as a kid trying to survive in an abusive household, but no longer benefit me as an adult. These tendencies have even sabotaged a lot of relationships I've tried to build over the years. It's a very isolating experience.

Let me break it down a bit:

Anecdotally speaking, the excessive need for praise and admiration often seen in typical npd profiles appears to be related to a significant lack of such things in the formative years of one's life. Feeling like you're fated for something greater, like you deserve better than these idiots around you, that you're special somehow and if only other people could see that - that's a trauma response. It's like a form of escapism. As a kid, I fervently wished I could be swept off to a magical land where I was the "chosen one" destined to save its denizens. I used fantasy as an avenue for finding meaning for myself. Really, I just wanted to know that I mattered, especially when my family and classmates and teachers made me feel like I didn't.

Npd, at least to me, also comes with tendencies towards debilitating perfectionism. This can manifest in a few ways. Avoiding situations in which failure feels like a certainty is one such example. For me, this would involve dropping out of anything that I wasn't immediately good at, or was awkward in, or made somewhat of a minor embarrassment of myself (by virtue of being new and also, you know, a human who messes up sometimes. Which is what we humans do).

Directly dovetailing from that: A lot of us narcissists deeply fear being perceived or exposed as a failure. It's like our horrible secret, that we're actually worthless creatures that are only ever capable of ruining things, and that we don't actually deserve anyone's precious time. Or at least, that's how it feels for me. And in some way, I feel like that is my unconscious brain's way of being like "hey, if I shrink my self-esteem down a bunch so that I appear very humble and modest, I'll get more affection and praise and compliments insisting that I'm better than I say I am."

And I eat that shit up. It's like fuel for me. The problem is, it's not sustainable.

It's a really tricky thing to balance, and as of yet, I've not come up with a great solution for dealing with it. My self-esteem is devastatingly low, despite my embarrassingly entitled attitude towards receiving compliments. I think another thing that throws a wrench into the works a bit is (if my theory is correct) the fact that growing up with trauma makes happy memories a bit more slippery to hold onto. So any kind of genuine praise I get is almost immediately forgotten, disappearing into a black hole that is desperate to be filled.

I think something that might help is keeping a record of compliments that people give me. Writing them in a journal, keeping them in a document of some sort, etc, etc. People can't always give all-positive feedback all the time. That's just not how feedback works. But for the days when I'm feeling low and like I don't know who I am or why I'm even here, I can refer to my records. I can use this as evidence. And hopefully, this will provide a foundation for me to build a more robust sense of self.

Anyway, I've rambled on long enough. If you've read this far, thanks! And if you haven't, well, you haven't.

Yeah. Anyway. Later!

#i'm not making this rebloggable because i'm scared lol #in fact i'm not sure i'm gonna keep this up at all #it's a very scary thing to admit tbh #i just hope that. idk. maybe by talking about it someone else will feel seen. and like they aren't alone #or something like that #because it is a lonely experience for sure #so i want to extend all my love to people who feel this way too #anyway this has been sitting in my drafts since yesterday #i’m posting this like i’m throwing a grenade and then running away forever goodbye!!!!#the self-hatred has been a lot lately. like more so than usual so #idk i just feel like i need to talk about it or else i’ll explode

6 notes · View notes

magical-agatha · 7 years

Text

Don't read this. Keep scrolling i need help this is a terrible way to go about it. Please just keep scrolling. I know i could post this privately but i won't and that surely says a lot about the nature of this post and the purpose of it. Don't read this post. Don't reply to it. Definitely do not message me with practical advice. I'm already seeing professional help. I don't kghrn. Don't read this.

No matter what i do i can't keep my glasses completely clean and it is legitimately upsetting. This is not a goof. It's messing with my ocd and it's hard to explain? It kind of hurts?? And it's like. I can't solve this problem so I'm just gradually getting more and more upset. And there's all this emotion building up that i don't know how to express because I'm all fucked up in other areas. If you ever meet me in person and we have an argument I'll have a really hard time because I'll start to panic and struggle to respond because I'm scared of saying the wrong thing because if i do you'll just pick it apart and use it against me. So I'll panic more and say something dumb and then you'll use it against me and I'll panic and say something cruel or something that's unfair, so that you'll get upset and leave. Because if you keep pushing me I'll just get more panicky and it'll get harder and harder to think clearly. And it'll end badly. I'd never hit another person but there's a dent and a hole on my bedroom wall, where my mum has attacked me and I've panicked and my stupid brain has told me it's fight or flight time but there's nowhere to run so i either hit myself or the house. It doesn't happen often but i feel like scum when it does. I always try to hit the door frame because i know i can't damage it. I've got to stress that it's not anger. I'm not angry. I'm usually terrified and crying. Because I'm a crazy person who's inherently broken inside. I'd never ever hurt someone. I hate violence. I get upset when someone squashes a spider. I mean I'd probably punch a nazi or someone who really deserved it. But i hate it when i panic like that. It makes me feel like I'm less than human. That if i hit a wall or break things, i always try to do it to worthless things like paper or sometimes I'll bite my hands. If i do those things i could hurt a person who didn't deserve it. I'm so scared of hurting someone. I can't convey how much it scares me. It comes down to my feelings on life. Life is special in a very specific way. If you take a life you can't give it back. From that we can also say that hurting someone is a reprehensible thing, because while it's often possible to recompense the victim, you can't return what you took or broke. And something somewhat relevant. I struggle to understand other people who self harm. Everyone else seems intent on being found out or caught. They cut their arms and legs, or some will even burn themselves with matches. I don't understand why you'd let yourself be caught like that i. It's probably just me. I'm scared of having discussions that go too deep because I've been hurt by that before. My mind is constructed in regard to and follows several core rules I've learnt from what I'm realising lately was years of subtle and not so subtle abuse at the hands of my mother. Of course I'm scared of calling abuse because What If She Heard Me Say That???? But i guess that's what it is. I also struggle to call her abusive because while she fucked up in a lot of ways raising me, she's broken too, and she was also raised by an abusive mother who was trying her best as well, but was still broken. Basically I'm 3rd generation and that makes it hard to place blame. But part of me wants to hate her. Does having good intentions excuse you if you fuck up?? There's a saying I'm fond of. "Save us from good intentions" and also "hell is paved with good intentions". But one of the rules hardwired into my brain is that if i ever show a weakness or let myself be vulnerable someone will use that weakness to hurt me. Part of that is that i can't make mistakes or I've Failed and I'm worthless. But this rule tells me that if i were to cut someone would either ask questions, use it against me, or pity me. Despite a lot of things and a lot of logic i am both incredibly proud and have almost no self esteem. So when i self harm i do invisible things. I bite my hands, especially the loose skin on the joints of my fingers and that bit of skin between the thumb and forefinger. And I've learned how to flex muscles in a way that hurts a lot. Not over stretching them or anything. It's sort of a combination of tensing conflicting muscles and then you do this thing where you tell the muscles to move but also stay still?? Hard to describe. That was a lot of rambling. I'm trying to determine something. Am i actually worthless? Or more specifically. If I'm miserable and struggling, and i want to give up on something until I've overcome certain other things. Specifically I've been doing a game design course for four or so weeks now. It should be my dream course. This is what I wanted. But there's a number of factors which are ruining it for me and exacerbating my misery. The travel is awful (5hrs a day 5am start 7pm home), and i had to start almost a month late because someone else fucked up, so I'm struggling with the work enormously, i can follow along and mimic what everyone else is doing but i don't understand how the code I'm typing works. But my brain is telling me i HAVE to enjoy this course and i HAVE to excel. But this conflict between struggling with the course, unrelated misery, and unreasonable unrealistic even cruel expectations i have of myself. The part of me that's in the background and just is, the same part that's dictating those rules, is convinced i have to be incredible at anything i do or I've failed and should mentally punish myself. It doesn't listen to reason and i can't argue with it or even ignore it. If i try and I'm not amazing i feel guilty. I feel miserable and like I've wasted everyone's time. It tells me I'm pathetic. And the hard part is that nothing is good enough. And the bit that makes me want to laugh the same way some who has just condemned themselves laughs?? The way you laugh before they take you to hell and install you in some greco styled sisyphean torture??? Nothing is ever good enough!!! I'm chasing infinity!!! I cannot succeed!!! EVERYTHING I DO RIGHT IS UNDERMINED AND DISREGARDED!!!!!!! AND I'M THE CULPRIT!!! I'M RUINING MY OWN LIFE! MY BRAIN WANTS ME TO DIE MISERABLE AND ALONE. IN MY LASTS MOMENTS I BET IT WOULD SEND ME A THOUGHT AND I'D FEEL THAT I WAS PATHETIC. I COULD HAVE DONE THIS OR THAT BETTER. LOOK HOW PATHETICALLY I'M DYING. The deranged sode effect of this is that ninety nine times out of a hundred i give up without starting or never really try. Why should i bother. WHY SHOULD I BOTHER. Why fucking bother. If i can't ever succeed!! It's just pure cruelty. You know i always tell myself I'd never commit suicide. After all my greatest fear is entropy. Time passing, wasting time. Living with limited time and not using it perfectly. So of course since i don't believe in an afterlife despite really trying to get religious. Of course I'd never waste the only life i have. Surely being miserable is better than not existing. Of course. But i was waiting for a train, and i started looking at the tracks and thought about it. Immediately i corrected it to thinking about how can i step into traffic or in front of a train without dying. Because i have no other capability or capacity to tell people just how sick i am. But for a second i really wanted to die. Which terrifies me. What terrifies me more is that i have to force myself slightly not to give up. That part of me is so ready to give up totally. I can't think about that moment any more. If you read this i don't have much to say to you. This is my only way to say how unhappy i am. Because i can say that no one will read this. This is safe. But it's difficult. If someone does read this and sends me a message or something it's difficult. Because i lack the capacity to really admit I'm not okay. If you message me I'll just explain it away or reassure you I'm fine. This is in simplest terms a cry for help. I could and maybe even should just save this as a draft or post privately. This is my message in a bottle. I can convince myself for long enough that no one will reply. Even if they do, so what. There's only so much a kind person's kind words can do. I'm too good at shutting myself off. And no one here knows my real name except for maybe one person who i used to be close with. But he knows me by some old iscribble username. He probably doesn't remember my real name. Point being that even if you reading this want to help, you can't do enough. I'm too smart for my own good. I've found a way to call out for help, but I'm also intentionally sabotaging myself. It's ridiculous. That's what's it's like living in my head. I can't ask for help because then I'll be vulnerable and if I'm EVER EVER vulnerable something BAD will happen. I've explained it to a psych before, or tried. My brain never specifies the threat it says exists. It's always just something bad, but the kind of thing where you know that means so bad it can't be imagined or put into words. It could be death?? It could be everyone you ever meet or know hating you and laughing at you?? It could be always being a pathetic failure?? It could be anything!! It's genius! I don't even know what the threat is!! And my brain never has to worry about whether the threat is realistic because it's not specified! What a nightmare. What a convoluted mess i am. The most ingenious and sadistic torturer couldn't devise something like this! Design pales in comparison to the sheer stupid thoughtless luck of something created naturally without a goal in mind. Now i sound like I'm bragging so I'm nervous about that, that someone will discredit this entire post and send me a hurtful message. Or something WORSE! Now I'm trying really hard to hold onto my frustration and not let anxiety take over. Look at this! I'm such a fucking joke!!! Thank goodness i don't believe in a god. If i did believe in one what would that make me? If intelligent design is real and a man in the sky controls everything, what do i make of that? For one I'm the greatest practical joke ever told, and another this god clearly doesn't care about us. Or worse, he does care but he's powerless to help us. But that's potentially even more terrifying!! Who or what is more powerful than a supposed god??? I'm so tired of all of this. This revolting nightmare of self hatred that lives in my head. Could you really blame me for wanting to give up, or for wanting someone to save me? I guarantee if you living in my head you wouldn't function. If you had this trash suddenly thust on you with no warning and no time slowly learning to cope. I don't want to sound like I'm being edgy. I'm nervous about this paragraph and scared i sound like I'm bragging. Goodness gracious I'm sick of all of this.

#hashtag blogging with aggy

1 note · View note