#i keep telling myself im only 18 and i'm still figuring out my adhd and unlearning the habits i learned growing up to survive

[buggbuzz]

semi-heavy adhd vent tw 🫢🫢

personally of the opinion that the worst thing about adhd is the subtlety. we joke abt how obvious and silly it is but its barely visible 95% of the time.

& u spend your whole life not knowing if the mental struggle you have doing basic shit is what everyone deals with or if something's wrong. even when you KNOW you have adhd and even have it TREATED you STILL don't know if you're having a normal amount of obstacles.

i've been on meds for two years now and i just spent a whole fucking summer semester not sure if i was having adhd burnout or if my meds weren't working or if i was actually just being lazy. i think its all three, but who knows! and now i have a final tomorrow that i have to pass and i dont know if i can because i could barely fucking do any work all semester.

this happens like every year/semester but this one particularly stings cause it was supposed to be really good this time!! lots of free time, one class to worry about, the best nd-friendly note-taking system i've ever used, lots of flexibility, and friends to spend time with. it was even a science class!! chem, not bio, but better than non-science, right? but apparently, the only way i can ever stay motivated and on the ball is if im chained to a super-stressful and merciless schedule. so i have to choose between my long-term success and my mental health!!

i don't envy neurotypicals for the weird fucking ways they operate sometimes but good lord fucking jesus it sounds nice to be able to do things. i feel like a loaded gun with a busted trigger; i have all these amazing ideas and well-thought-out schedules and all the passion and desperation to follow through, but my brain and body just. won't. do it.

#vent #adhd #im really freaking out ngl but i will pull through because i HAVE to #i did the math and as long as i get like a 50 on this test i will almost definitely pass #but i'd at least like a -B #im just trying to find a way to be productive without destroying myself #cause i tried the insanely busy routine in the spring semester of my senior year of highschool and it worked!! #but i was sickly and exhausted and losing weight and everyone but me noticed #i kinda promised my friends not to do that to myself again #god i hate having adhd sometimes FUCK #i keep telling myself im only 18 and i'm still figuring out my adhd and unlearning the habits i learned growing up to survive #and that a lot of people do stupid shit and struggle in college even WITHOUT adhd #but omg how long is it going to take until i can rely on myself #im really scared im never gonna figure it out and i wont be able to do the things i wanna do #i just wanna sit in a lab all day and research cells or some shit man!! put me in a room full of bugs or worms or something!! jesus!! #this isn't the fun witty adhd stuff i like posting about but hey at least my brethren out there will be able to relate :) #adhd student #adhd struggles #adhd mood #adhd problems #neurodivergent #neurodivergent student #college #stem student #buggie's nerd stuff

[ultra-deepestbouquet]

4/18/2022

I haven't written in forever, just lists and then maybe a sentence or two.

Im procrastinating 2 very simple things... I just realized I really should not be giving blood when im on all of this medicine so its adverted for now. Just delayed.. but I will need to go in soon. I can record the demo tomorrow and go from there.

Alot has happened since my last real update. Palm Springs, Grand Canyon, Amanda and I don't talk anymore and I wanna keep it that way for a bit and thank god she doesn't have my number. I have been trying to make excuses for her and rationalize the friendship but I just feel so irritated with her. She doesn't ever ask me about my life or my trips or my experiences, red flag. She lacks social etiquette, she was embarrassing me on our night out, I will still never forgive her for making us leave the bar in our bridal dresses. Red Flag. When I was ignoring her she was sending me completely nude videos and photos, a desperate ploy to get my attention. Red flag. She doesn't realize we don't need to talk every day and spams me on snapchat like crazy. Red Flag. I know she is dealing with a lot mentally, ADD, ADHD, depression, addiction and just lacking awareness in her opinion of herself and others. She would tell me she got a job then the next day figure our some way that they were wrong and ridiculous not her, always playing victim I cant deal with that. It seems like fucking other people and having orgies is a big part of their relationship and Joel and I are just not ready for all of that yet. It sucks because I am insanely attracted to her and her husband has a huge D but I just need away time.

I've been flirting with Kyle a bit, I got an infected pimple on my lip and went to urgent care, I've been obsessing over my look for Amy's birthday, we went to top golf with Amy and Chris and they got the full story about Joel mostly, we connected with Brett and Andrea and made dinner plans then cancelled, we started a connection and flirtation with Brock and Karen. Joel and I were both super horny for a week and he came every day and then we didn't do anything for more than a week and then it was the best ever. I love when he says how much he misses me while I'm riding him so good, kissing his neck. He just cant help but explode, he cant help but breathlessly whimper and moan into me when he hasn't had me for so long. We definitely have something that is unexplainable, sizzling, full of love and caring about each other. I mean the only reason im really doing all this doctor stuff is for him. I guess me too.

I tried on my look for Amys Bday in Scottsdale and now Im not crazy about it anymore but that is so silly! I know I will look fab, I am styled myself. Maybe the bag was too much idk. May be returning.