#i know this isnt how being ordained works but i think it's funny so!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

charmsoloved · 3 years

Text

uninvited.

the past week as been tough to say the least. i've been coming to terms with the fact that kazi's and i relationship is pretty much done. it's hard because this isnt something i planned for nor is something i want whatsoever. but of course, my impatient ass decides its all or nothing because i'm tired of waiting. i'm tired of waiting on forgiveness, i'm tired of waiting on grace. i'm tired of having really wonderful days and thinking it'll all work out only for it to get progressively worse than it was before the wonderful days.

last week i made it a point to be intentional with my healing. i'm having trouble distingushing if i'm doing it as a last ditch effort to save our relationship or if i'm doing it cause i am absolutely sick of myself. safe to say its both. i need to stop taking things to personally. i need to stop letting my emotions get the best of me. but it's so hard when i just want him to realize what we are giving up. it's hard because i feel like this was ordained by god because the moment we met, everything literally just started to fall into place. i've been struggling because i want so badly to say that i wish i never met him, and i want so badly to say it to his face. but i know that isn't the case because he came at the right exact time. and since we have been so blessed beyond measure.

at first, i found solitude in my isolation. i felt it was necessary to sit back and focus on myself and quiet the noise of the world that has been seriously overstimulating me to the fact where you can see it leak on others and i'm overly emotional and reactive and i just cant seem to get it together. i cut out media last week because i was being intentional about the things that were feeding my mind and i didn't want images and lyrics and videos creating a narrative in my head that was unrealistic and not my truth. problem is, i can create that narrative all by myself without having to feed myself with unnecessary distractions. but i was intentional about it and honestly it helped me get through most of the week without wanting a drink. but then the weekend came and i turned on the tv, i veged out, i drank a little with my sister (probably more than i should have with my lightweight ass) but i maintained face but i failed to pay attention to myself once more.

i am learning to slow down. to enjoy the processes and journey of life. journey is the most tortorous part for me. tortue is like picking up a to-go order of wingstop and having to drive alllll the way down alessandro home and not eating it immediately. i love instant gratification. i always say that if i could have a super power, it would be teleportation. funny because i used to commute and hour away and now you cant even get me to drive to taco bell for the drive thru where i dont even have to leave the comfort of my car. it's always the journey that stops me from taking the risk because i cant see the outcome and that's absolutely terrifying to me. i even prefer not to be the one driving because then time is at no fault of my own - i have someone else to blame for why i'm uncomfortable in the journey.

slowing down is something i have to become mindful of. i make mistakes when i'm going to fast - it's always clear every week when i'm invoicing at work lol i'm always trying to make it to the next step to feel that high of achievement, even in the smaller things.

back to this weekend, i found myself *consistently* running to the person who i knew would fill my cup temporarily and give me the attention i need. only problem is, he found someone else to give that attention to. he's still mindful of me and still reaches out to me and hears me out but still - not enough. i'm invited, but i already know the pain of rejection that i am going to feel when i see someone else calling him babe when he's not even mine nor do i want anything to do with him in the current life he is living. but of course, because i was feeding into the feelings to my flesh - i craved that validation and attention.

i started reading uninvited for literally the *6th* time. seriously, why can't i ever finish a damn book?! anyways, first night in and i'm 100 pages in. while quit like a woman taught me things about alcohol and ways to overcome it other than AA, this book is about living loved in the face of rejection. its interesting all the different points of views it points out that we create in our heads. for instance, lysa's story about the girl at the gym who she assumed didnt like her but then was surpised that she smiled at her one day only then to realize that the narrative she created in her head was all her own. she said "we assign thoughts to others that were never their's in the first place" and it really stopped me in my tracks. i've really been mulling over all the ways i've failed in relationships and friendships and how powerful our narrative and thoughts about those things can dictate how we feel emotionally and how we react.

i need to work on my reactions if anything is going to go right with kazi. i need to reframe the way i think about him and take his words for true and trust that he means no harm to me. it's so hard though when i feel so punished by him to the point where he doesnt even come home. but i have i necesarily made this a place he wants to be? have i tried to just give him the space he asks for? no. i certainly have not because i crave the validation and love from him that i once received. because i dont know this version of him, i dont know how to handle when he's hurting. is he even heartbroken? is he feeling the same pain i'm feeling? i dont want this life for us but i honestly dont know if it's saving or even worth saving. all i want is the best for him. i want him to be happy. i want him to thrive. and as much as it pains me to say this, i want those things for him regardless if we are together or not.

i need to un-do the behaviors and trauma that adrian caused me. i need to not associate them together because they are not the same person. i tend to feel like i know it all once i've gone through something once and then assign the similar traits to every other relationship in my life and then the same behaviors emerge from literally OUT OF NOWHERE because i'm in a fight response because i'm feeling less than and less than worthy.

i want to be okay being alone. i want to thrive in it, i want to crave it. i want to feel comfortable in it because FUCK, it is sooooo uncomfortable right now. i feel like i've lost a place to belong. like i've lost half of my heart and it's broken into a tiny million pieces. this is the first time that during heartbreak that i don't try to immediately replace what's broken or cover it up with a band-aid knowing damn well there are pieces missing. this is the first time where honestly i dont want a damn thing from a man ever again in my life. it's the first time i've considered just being single for the rest of my life with my cat. it's the first time i've ever thought about giving up the desires of my heart and dreams because i'm too afraid to move forward. what if it doesn't work? what if we never work it out? who will come next? do i even want a next? last week the world felt full of possibilities without him and honestly without anyone to share my life with. this week, i just want it back but i understand it's something that i have to give to God and i can't try to control anymore. trying to control it only makes it worse. it's almost like creating art and not feeling competent enough to deliever a good piece so we consistely tweak it and adjust until we wished we hadn't overdone it and that it was a masterpiece within itself before we added the chaos.

this time is different because i want to change all the things about me that make me cringe. i want to be rid of the shame. i want my time back. i want my money back. i just want to make better decisions. i'm tired. i'm tired of living the same loop that reveals the same results. the definition of insantity rings true. honestly.

0 notes