#i love depression loveee it love causing problems for myself that i later have to bother other people about bc i can’t solve them by myself

[szczylpierdolony]

life is falling through my fingers more that usually

#i’ve been in a pretty much constant state of panic since january #and it’s gotten worse recently bc of 1. thesis writing (or lack thereof) #2. administrative problems at uni that i caused due to the constant state of anxiety and depression #like whyyyy do things like going to the uni office send me spiraling like nothing else #and i’ve been feeling weird and disconnected for a while now and nothing seems to interest me anymore #like i’m light headed in the worst way and i think if one thing goes badly i’ll genuinely fall down crying #and i can’t seem to do anything productive bc of the anxiety either #ok i checked usos. the administrative problem got more or less solved #oh thank god #i love depression loveee it love causing problems for myself that i later have to bother other people about bc i can’t solve them by myself #esp when you have to admit to them that mental illness is what caused them bc even when they’re sympathetic and nice about it i still feel #like such a pathetic idiot my god #also i’ve been thinking a lot abt how a pattern that repeats in my life is the lack of closure #from silly things to more serious ones #like how i didn’t attend my elementary school graduation nor the hs one #the first one bc of travelling and the second bc of covid #so i just closed my laptop and then went to pick up my diploma after matura results and that was it i never saw any of my teachers or #thanked them etc #and how all my friendships that died out were this kind of sudden drop like nothing happened but we just stopped talking one day and that #was it and idk where we stand #and how i seem to leave loose threads everywhere i go and i can’t tell if it’s just a coincidence or if i do that on purpose but #unconciously so as to not have to deal with things ending bc that scares me #i’ve never felt grounded in any moment and it’s so strange #also yeah yeah weird behaviour meant to save me from abandonment whatever #📓 #niedziela wieczór i humor popsuty co mogę powiedzieć