#and i’ve been feeling weird and disconnected for a while now and nothing seems to interest me anymore | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

harlowsbby · 11 months

Text

Good Off You

You’ve been feeling empty within your relationship with Jack as of lately all it seemed like the two of you did was argue about the same things.

It was always about Mia she was one of his close friends from Atlanta he swore up and down like a sailor that she wasn’t someone you had to worry about but if that was the case how come you felt as if you needed to worry.

This relationship was starting to feel very much one sided or that there was a disconnect and that disconnect was coming from Jack, you weren’t sure how you were going to fix your relationship with Jack or if it was even worth saving at this point.

————————————————————————

“What’s going on with you two? According to Nemo, Jack’s been at his house all week.”

You called Neelam earlier that day telling her you needed to get out of the house you didn’t care where the two of you went you just needed time away from that house.

“Did he lie and say that I was the one that kicked him out the house?” Neelam was quiet you chuckled and rolled your eyes. “You see what I mean he’s always playing this pick me role and acting like I’m the problem when it’s really him.” You defended yourself.

“What’s even going on? I don’t even know the full story.” The last you wanted to do was bring everyone into your relationship you hated having people in your business but you trusted Neelam.

“You know Mia right?” She nodded her head. “Yeah I know Mia.”

You sighed heavily, “Lately I just don’t.. I don’t know he’s been talking to her a lot more and you know I’ve always had weird feelings about her from the start and Jack always told me I didn’t have to worry about her but now.” You paused. “I’m starting to worry about her.”

You didn’t want your relationship with Jack to end this way you didn’t want to be the one being cheated on. You thought he loved you at least that’s what he said and made you believe and feel. You always had this feeling that deep down Jack wasn’t really yours like that because he always had Mia.

“What was your last argument about? If you don’t mind me asking because he told Nemo that you kicked him out.” You huffed and looked at her. “About Mia.”

A few days ago

“Why is she texting you at Damn 2am in the morning huh? That’s all I want to know and you’re beating around the fucking bush with your answer dammit!” It was 2am in the morning and while you’d much rather be fast asleep in bed instead you were up arguing with Jack.

“I told you it’s nothing just drop it already would you.” He snapped back and snatched his phone from your grasp. “No I won’t just drop it because it doesn’t make sense as to why she’s calling you this fucking late.”

He ignored you and kept texting away on his phone probably responding back to Mia no doubt. “Are you even listening to me?” He scoffed and looked up at you his blue eyes that you once fell in love with were now filled with what seemed to be hatred and irritation. “You’re talking aren’t you? You know I can’t deal with this tonight Y/N.”

You scrunched your eyebrows together wondering where he was going. “Where are you going?” You watched as he got up and grabbed his keys and wallet. “Jack? Where are you going.” You walked over to him and grabbed his hand trying to pull him into you but he shook you off.

“I’m going to Nemo’s for a bit I think some time apart will do us some good.” He stated with no emotion whatsoever. “Are you kidding me right now?” You scoffed and shook your head at him.

“Honestly I can’t believe you right now you’d rather walk out than just tell me the truth.” He raised his eyebrows. “The truth on what? I told you nothing is going on better Mia and Myself, I’m sorry you’re just so insecure and can’t handle the fact that I have female friends.” He spat.

You were taken back by his response never in your entire time of being with Jack has he ever said something like that to you or even spoke to you that way. “Fine just go.” You whispered and hugged yourself and looked down at the ground, you knew if you were to make eye contact you’d break down crying instantly.

“I’ll see you around Y/N.” When the door was closed you finally let your tears fall you cried the entire night till you cried yourself to sleep.

Current time

“He said all that to you? I can’t even believe it.” Neelam was in disbelief she never thought in a million years would Jack ever talk to someone he claimed he loved like that.

“Yeah he said all of that and I haven’t heard from him since. I just hate the way I know he’s sleeping with her but he won’t admit it.” You just wanted him to be honest with you even if the truth hurt.

The two of you decided to sit at the park you on one swing and Neelam on the other, the two of you sat on the swings just watching the sunset.

“What should I do? Do I just break up with him or do I stay with him.” You mumbled and fiddled with the hem of your hoodie.

“I’d hate to see the two of you break up but you know what sometimes you gotta make a decision that breaks your heart but gives you peace.” Neelam told you.

You knew this wasn’t going to be easy because you loved Jack you were honestly afraid to find a new love after Jack because you felt as if all guys were going to be the same.

————————————————————————

“Let’s go Y/N the Uber is already outside waiting on us!” Neelam yelled from the bottom of the stairs the two of you were going to Ace’s rooftop party he was celebrating the release of his newest solo project, you knew Jack was going to be there so you decided to dress up a bit tonight just to show him what he was missing.

You twirled around a few times making sure your outfit looked good. You grabbed your purse and headed downstairs where Neelam stood. “It’s about damn time the guy was threatening to leave.” You put your hands up in defense. “Sorry I had to make sure I looked good.”

“Whatever let’s just get going before Urban and Sunni eat up all the food.” The car ride to the hotel was fairly short so you made it under 10 minutes.

When you made it to the top of the roof you immediately when to the edge of the building and took in the beauty of Downtown Louisville at night, there was a few fireworks going off in the distance and a few people down below just laughing and having a good time but the moon is what caught your eye.

“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” You rolled your eyes open hearing that familiar voice. “It is beautiful now what do you want.”

“Can you at least look at me.” You took a second trying your best to prepare yourself you turned around slowly and was met face to face with Jack. He licked his lips as he looked you up and down. “You look good as always baby.”

“Thanks.” You both stood there awkwardly you didn’t really know what to say I mean the last time the two of you tried talking it resulted in a argument. “Look I’m sorry for what I said what I said was wrong.” “You think? You hurt my feelings Jack.”

He licked his lips and sighed. “I know I did and I’m sorry baby I don’t wanna lose you I promise I’m done talking to Mia.” You raised your eyebrow at him. “Oh really? And what made you stop taking to her.”

“Because I’d rather have a life with you than live a life without you.” He stated. “Really?” You whispered and sniffled which made Jack laugh.

“Don’t tell me you’re getting all soft and shit now.” He stuck his arms out and you quickly ran into his arms, he grinned and wrapped his arms around you tight and started swinging the two of you back and forth.

“I love you so much baby.” “I love you too Jack.”

You both pulled away from each other and Jack looped his hands with yours. “Let’s go enjoy tonight yeah?” You smiled and nodded. “Let’s do it.”

Halfway through the party a majority of the people there ended up passing out on some of the chairs or couches Ace had gotten for the event. Jack was a bit tipsy himself he laid on the couch with a drunken Urban laying next to him, you couldn’t find your phone at all so you needed to use Jack’s.

The music was still going though considering a good majority of people were still dancing and eating.

“Jack, let me see your phone I need to call my phone.” You rushed him he took his phone out his pocket and handed it to you. “Here babe you know the password yeah?” He asked.

“Yeah I know it I’ll be right back.” He nodded and you stepped off to the side and unlocked his phone you went to press the call button next to your contact when you noticed Jack had about 25 missed texts and 3 missed calls.

You looked behind you making sure he was still on the couch before clicking onto the messages.

“What the hell.” You frowned seeing all the messages were from Mia, all of them saying how she misses him and wonders when he’s leaving the party soon.

“So he wasn’t with Nemo.” You mumbled to yourself you looked back over at Jack who was now dozing off on the couch you shook your head and bit your bottom lip to stop it from trembling, you looked back down at the phone when it buzzed again.

Mia 💘

‘Did you tell her you’re breaking up with her yet? She needs to know the truth’

You knew texting her back and making her believe that you were Jack was wrong but you needed to know what truth she was talking about.

Jack 🩵

‘What do I even say’

Your heart started beating when you saw the three little dots appearing on the screen but then they disappeared again.

“Fuck I knew she wasn’t gon-.” You stopped talking mid sentence when she texted back.

Mia 💘

‘Just tell her straight up that I’m pregnant and that you’re leaving her to raise a family with me obviously, your kid needs you Jack.’

You knew it even though you knew that he was cheating on you with her it still hurt it hurt even more that she was having a baby with a man you once loved, with the man you swore you were going to spend forever with, with the man who told you that she wasn’t anybody to worry about but turns out she was somebody to worry about.

#jack harlow #jack harlow concepts #jack harlow imagine #jack harlow x reader #jack harlow x y/n #jack harlow x you

243 notes · View notes

legally-allowed-to-slime · 4 months

Text

Fic about Scar after Secret Life? I noticed that he got the same task again after winning and it got me thinking. Apparently Martyn had the same idea but I swear I didn’t get it from him it was just me

I did get the idea of going insane from him but the rest is me

***

Scar normally detested routine, but now he was craving it and there was nothing to be done.

It had been five days. Five days since he’d pressed that succeed button, five days since the last ghost had left the game.

He’d tried to leave, just after pressing.

He couldn’t. It was as if there was some virtual barrier that was stopping him from disconnecting every time he tried.

Then, he’d tried dying.

Just as he’d thought of it, the fail button was no longer there.

He’d grabbed at the thin air where it used to be, then pounded his fist onto the hard stone beneath it and screamed until his hand bled and his throat was sore.

He jumped into the ravine. He stood in lava. He plunged underwater and didn’t hold his breath.

What had happened was that there was all the pain that came with dying but none of the final relief, of seeing that death screen and the pressure lift up. He’d looted some golden apples, devoured them just to stop the pain.

His hearts just wouldn’t go down.

Normally he couldn’t stop them from going, but now, just when what he wanted to do most was to die, the Secret Keeper wouldn’t let him. It was a cruel joke.

“I’ve already won!” He yelled at it. “I’ve already won, let me leave!”

He’d pressed the reroll for hard, but he just got the same “Win Secret Life.” book over and over again. The succeed button merely gave him more hearts and flashed “You have succeeded.” at him, as if taunting him.

Now, on the fifth day, he didn’t know what to do. He hadn’t eaten at all, and his hunger bar stayed empty, but his hearts wouldn’t go down.

He leaned against the side of the Keeper, his stomach hollow and his head aching.

The sun was particularly piercing today, but he stared at it stubbornly, not caring if it would make him go blind. It hung in the air, resolutely staying but not helping at all.

He wondered what it would be like if everyone else was here.

Surely, they would all love him and congratulate him on his win. He’d wake up with a smile on his face, pop around to the Mounders and have a chaotic breakfast, then maybe go off to practice archery at Grian’s base, probably have some joking banter with Scott. Then…

It hurt to think about it.

He’d already buried them all.

Jimmy and Mumbo had long been buried, and Lizzie’s final resting place was the void, of course, but he’d gathered up everyone else.

He’d cleared the leaves at the Heart and laid Skizz, Tango, and Bigb to rest. The Scotts and Tots were likewise given a simple grave at their base, and Etho and Cleo at theirs. Mum and Dad.

He’d killed them, laughing, all towards the goal of winning, and in the end he was left alone in an empty world filled with dead bodies. All his previous grudges seemed unimportant now.

He’d buried Grian at Sunflower Valley, near the mess of blocks that used to be Trader Scar’s.

It seemed selfish but there was no one around to judge, and he still recalled the whisper of his ghost that day.

She’s dead, Scar. You won.

It was just words. He hadn’t won.

Winners were supposed to be happy.

He’d found Mumbo’s grave by the patch of fresh grass by the man’s own mound, and put Bdubs and Joel next to him. He couldn’t bring himself to bury Pearl at first, but leaving her in the ravine seemed like letting the Keeper win, so he’d done it as well.

Letting the Keeper win. As if there was still a game to play.

It had felt weird at first, burying his friends. But after a while he didn’t feel any sorrow when burying them. They were all dead anyway.

He was going to be dead anyway, if not by the Keeper’s hand then by his own. He anticipated the day the Secret Keeper would get bored and just kill him off.

But there was nothing to do now.

And sitting by the Keeper, on the brink of death yet forbidden to tip over, Scar laughed.

He laughed and laughed, unsure if it was the heat of the sun, or the unrelenting silence of the Secret Keeper, or maybe the despair of his own mind that was making him do it.

Win Secret Life. Win Secret Life. Win Secret Life.

He hadn’t won. He never would, and he would never finish this last task, left to rot, alone, in the world that he had created for himself by killing and killing until there was no one left to kill but himself and he couldn’t even give himself that mercy—

It occurred to him that he might go insane. Or maybe he already was.

What did it matter? He was alone anyway.

#secret life #secret life smp #trafficblr #life series #traffic series #traffic life #traffic life series #life smp #life series smp #slsmp #goodtimeswithscar #gtws #traffic life smp #traffic smp

57 notes · View notes

anatthema-art · 2 years

Text

Tumblr Men Taxonomy

Ever since the rise of the Spamton fanbase i’ve been seeing a lot of debate on if spamton should be considered a Tumblr Sexyman or not and i think everyone saying he’s NOT is correct, but i’ve been talking with some friends and have realized a pattern in what i’d like to lovingly call a new “branch” of tumblr men/people because it’s an exceedingly common character archetype i feel us as a userbase need to acknowledge and treat separate from your oncelers and the like.

These guys? they’re all classic Tumblr Sexymen right? well, by consulting the primary sources talking with my friends who were on the website and in the fandoms during the golden age of tumblr men, i’ve realized a massive part of sexyman culture people FORGET is that their appeal doesn’t just come from them being lanky bastard twinks. (we’ll get to sans later)

Their main appeal from a fandom perception is their actual or perceived HUMANITY. That sounds a little weird considering half these characters arent even human, but hear me out. Characters like the onceler and komaeda from dangan ronpa are just... dudes? Like they’re fucked up dudes, but they’re just GUYS. Sans too, even though not a human person, is still a very ORDINARY guy underneath the fandom-imposed angst. the appeal of these characters came from people seeing a spark of relatability and normalcy underneath all their Issues(tm) and fanwork, while portrayed as the “I can fix him” mentality came from a genuine place of exploration into what these people could BE

characters who AREN’T human, like bill cipher, wheatley, and dare I say the goddamn clock from DHMIS were QUITE LITERALLY humanized to explore a potential reality where they COULD be more of... PEOPLE despite their human nature. If they had become popular in THIS day and age, dare i say they fall into our SECOND category more (and as these interpretations of them are fanon i dare say they DO double class considering the disconnect between these common fan headcanons and fans which prefer the source material versions)

and then you get to characters like alastor or jack frost, who were once entirely human, then becoming inhuman entities, and that small bit of something left in there provides intrigue to explore them as people beyond their fun personality exteriors.

Now, here’s where I’d like to propose the divide. Some of these characters gained less fan notoriety than others (especially because toby fox seems to be the main supplier of these guys) but they have often been labelled TSMs when I see a pretty distinct through line between them, with a little bit of wiggle room

The name i’ve been lovingly calling these guys is Disney Channel Eldritch Horrors. I am very open to new propositions however as the name implies that they are both from the Disney Channel and eldritch horrors which isn’t always correct. I haven’t found a similar name that conveys the same VIBES yet, so if anyone has any ideas for a better name i’d love to hear it. basically, the gist of this trope is that we have some weird little guys who are probably inhuman nightmares who’s appeal comes from sheer force of personality. this is where you get your weird little clown men and goofy loveable abominations. (i feel like some homestuck characters might fit this bill but i know absolutely nothing about any of them)

some of them MAY have some sort of tragedy involved in their backstory (spamton, flowey) but the main appeal of liking the character i’d argue comes more from the sheer strength of their characterization, rather than that stuff. Spamton is the closest to breeching this, but i feel for spamton fans i see way more posts about how people wanna throw him in a microwave than discussing the deep ramifications of his backtory (plus, he wasn’t ever a human person either.) Flowey on the other hand, the fandom has split asriel and him SO far as to be entirely separate characters despite the divide being less of a thing in canon, and people who are fans of just flowey tend to focus less on his backstory.

now you’ll see i’ve also included discord in here, which is to demonstrate that i don’t think the body type for these guys has to exclusively be “some little shaped dude”, because discord tows that line, but his appeal still stays in that sheer force of personality, and he’s also very much NOT a human being. as mentioned earlier, the canon versions of wheatley and that stupid clock also probably fit this bill more. Bill Cipher is where i see this divide the strongest, between the canon character and fan reactions and he’s such a popular character that his fanbase CAN be split between these two camps i think.

disney channel eldritch horrors i think, can be classified more on creator intent with their existence rather than fan reaction like a classic TSM. some of these characters gained more popularity than others but there’s a very specific crowd who forms to liking these characters over the TSM variety.

now, one last proposal in taxonomy, is that the twink body type vs lil shaped guy is an indicator of which category a character may fall into but it is not the primary factor and can be overridden by personality

sans is a weird lil guy in classic toby fox fashion, but i think his status as a Tumblr Sexyman should not be questioned since his fandom was the closest thing to the replication OF the onceler fandom and his appeal was very steeped in his more darker aspects of the character. fizzarolli on the other hand, is very much a lanky beanpole dude, but he also is a stupid chaotic jester man who’s sheer VIBES overpower his body type and his popularity is for that personality. this is a rare phenomenon, but i realized it to be the case through some friends’ OCs, as calling some characters “tumblr sexymen” felt incorrect the deeper i thought about it

so uh... thank you for coming to my ted talk? i have a weird fascination with fan culture around these two specific camps of characters and i felt that i wasn’t able to express why i loved my weird jester men so much until now, as i felt my attachment to them felt a little conflated with a different TYPE of fan culture, and so i spewed my word vomit into something somewhat coherent.

#tumblr sexymen #tumblr men #sexyman #the onceler #sans #spamton #bill cipher #alastor #deltarune #undertale #disney channel eldritch horrors #this is the stupidest thing ive ever made

1K notes · View notes

the-sappho-of-lesbos · 1 year

Text

big TW

Honestly at this point I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I’ve said this all a million times before but it feels different now. These feelings feel stronger and more permanent. I haven’t felt this way about these things before.

My suicidal ideation is in a weird spot. I think I’m feeling more actively suicidal then I ever have before - but at the same time I feel least at risk to myself because after seeing first hand what my death could lead to for others I just refuse. I refuse to put that on people. It genuinely feels like it nots my life to take. But I can’t stop thinking about it or fantasising about it or hoping something happens so I can die but it won’t be my fault.

I feel so foggy and disconnected and out of it. More so then ever before. I’ve thought about going and admitting myself into hospital but then I’m like no, I’m not in any real danger and the hospital won’t fix anything. I’ll go in a lonely lesbian and come out a lonely lesbian and the community and world I live in will be just the same. The only difference is I’ll be forced to go some days without my iPad. Which just doesn’t seem worth it.

I don’t want to feel this way about myself. I don’t want to hold such contempt for my sexuality. I don’t want to be so triggered by other lgbt people. But I am. I just am. I went somewhere on the weekend and probably saw more lgbt people irl just out and about then I have for a long time and I had a breakdown over it. I couldn’t handle it. And I hate myself so much for it.

I don’t want this to be my life but I can’t control other people. People say what they say and do what they do and have things done to be and now I have PTSD and I can’t change any of that. It just is. And I hate it.

I don’t have someone to hug right now. I don’t have someone to smile at. I don’t have someone to share things with. I don’t have a job. I don’t have the motivation to do next to anything. I wake up, feel miserable for myself, hate my circumstances, hate myself, and go to sleep. The fear my sexuality has created around my life is so infuriating. It makes me terrified of being alone. It makes me terrified of being near other people. It’s makes me jealous and bitter and triggered by the most random of things. I don’t want to be this way but at this point that feels as futile as saying I don’t want to be human. Like great! Okay! I don’t want to be it, now what. I’m still stuck like this. Literally nothing is going to change.

I’ve gotten to the point where I’m too depressed and out of it to even self harm. And I’ve never felt that way before. I’ve never been so upset that the mere effort of self harming is enough to make me tired and think “what is the point of anything anymore”. I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t know what to do with myself when I’m the most suicidal I’ve ever been while simultaneously being the safest simply because I don’t feel like I’m allowed to do anything. Not because I want to live. Not because of scared of death. Not because I’m holding out hope. Simply because I don’t want to be the first domino to fall and ruin everything for everyone else.

But I’m just full of all this anger. I don’t want to be this obsessed with finding a partner. It’s not healthy, it doesn’t help anyone, and it’s honestly gotten to the point where even if I ever found it I would probably still be all screwed up.

Even my distractions are based on it. I can’t help the fact that I just primarily enjoy romance based stories. That’s just what it is. That’s what holds my attention most of the time. But It just adds to the cycle. I see it, I read it, I want it, I don’t have it, I feel sad. Repeat repeat repeat.

It’s selfish and stupid and childish and I have nothing to offer anyone anyway. I have the audacity to not find someone attractive despite being ugly. I have the audacity to be uncomfortable around someone despite having a shit personality and literally NOTHING to offer anyone. I wish I could just feel what I want to feel towards whoever but I can’t. I’m picky and I’m gay and I don’t want to lie about my sexuality. So I’m stuck here. In this limbo.

I can’t draw, I can’t write, I can hardly read, I get upset around everyone, I’m sad, I’m ugly and I’m so damn lonely.

This pain I’m in causes my body to hurt. I have tingles and tightness all over my body because of it.

Not to mention it makes me irrational. I just internally shut down what anyone says to me if they have a partner. I almost cried at the dinner table the other night because my sister and her boyfriend where there and I felt so lonely. I felt so lonely knowing no one looks at me like that and no one will.

I just sit here cursing myself and my sexuality and just feeling so angry at myself. I’m bubbling over with so much contempt for myself. I feel tired of trying. I feel tired of waiting. I’m tired of living. I’m tired of being me.

This world isn’t one I want to be in. I want to leave so unbelievably badly. But I wholeheartedly feel like I don’t have a say in the matter. That I’m just stuck. And that time moves so slow and so fast all the same time. I get exhausted thinking about how many more years I have to be here. Just as a person. Just as me. With the way everything is. But I also feel so anxious when I look at how much time has passed and how little I have to show for myself.

I feel guilty for how little I do. But I think I’m reaching a point in my depression where I just don’t care either. It’s like fine, I’ll be here if I have to, but I’m sleeping and not contributing and just taking the money from the government and falling into the cracks of society until I kick the bucket. I’m not trying. I’m not adding anything. I’m not helping anything. I’ll just take it and not care anymore.

That level of not caring and feeling like I’ve thrown in the towel and I’m just here is growing stronger and stronger too.

I feel like I’m quickly becoming someone I don’t even recognise just because of how absolutely done I am. I’m so tired. I’m so done. I’m so over it.

Nothing will ever change. And honestly even if it does, I’m tired of waiting. I’ve given up. But this pain won’t just go away. This heavy overwhelming pain of loneliness and resentment and jealousy and anger at myself. It’s genuinely suffocating and I don’t know what to do. I just want the feelings to go away. I want it all to stop. I want to die and be free of these feelings. But I can’t. I’m stuck here. I’m stuck in hell.

#trigger warning #tw

5 notes · View notes

elliethesuperfruitlover · 2 years

Text

Tw/venting

Question for my mutuals:

how do literally any of you all cope with the fact that you Aren’t Normal and never will be

because like….maybe it’s a “I stayed in the house during the pandemic longer than other people” or maybe it’s a queer in the south thing, or maybe it’s a ND thing.

but I feel this immense pain and sadness (with some anger) when I realize how much I don’t fit in with people. especially in school and things.

I don’t experience huge emotions normally, I panic whenever I feel a smidge of attraction for another person. I can’t do sports because I’ve never done them and I would feel like I’m just doing it to do it and have a “normal” high school experience.

I’m probably not going to homecoming, mostly because I’m probably not getting invited, and I don’t know if any of my friends are going either. And it’d just be weird. Because being in a room full of sweaty people while I’m stuck in my head about everything I do isn’t really fun.

Feeling like(scratch that, knowing that) I’ll never truly fit in, even though I really don’t want to because it’s boring, hurts a lot. It starts making me feel unloveable. Because I see everyone else doing normal stuff, like having relationships. And I just feel so disconnected. And jealous. And also extremely insecure because one thing I’ve learned recently is that school society only views you as one of two things. Smart, athletic, or pretty/handsome. And I’m the smart kid. There’s a line of -50 people waiting for me to waltz them into a stupor. And it makes me feel so ugly and gross and unattractive and like I will never find someone who’ll actually like me beyond my intelligence. Because I feel like people find me too weird because of my interests already, so I might as well just be funny to cover up that whole problem.

like forced conformity is killing the kids but so is having them be in a world where anything that isn’t perfect and the same is rewarded with disgusted looks and “that’s weird”.

I know it’s all a confidence problem for me, and I’m trying to work on it but sometimes it gets defeating to feel out of place all the time.

and school is varying in degrees of fun-ness for me as well. Because yeah it’s fine. I’m almost failing APUSH but that’s fine and normal. But I’m just stuck in a system that doesn’t care about me or how I am. And when I go into the workforce, more often than not, it’s going to be the same thing.

and school just squishes all creativity I feel like I have. I do my work, come home, do fun things and take pity on myself for not being normal, go to sleep, repeat. And my teacher on Friday, after fussing at us for failing his class, told us about an experience he had at a competition. He brought his best kids, and they got absolutely wiped. The other kids’ SAT scores were above 1200, and they were from high-performing areas that don’t have a high-poverty rate.

and I didn’t think over it too much then (because other things were stressing me out) but now it just makes me feel so much worse. Am I truly not good enough? Is my intelligence that I barely pride myself in because of how fucked up the gifted program made me, really nothing in comparison to other people. And I get you’re not supposed to compare yourself to other people. It’s not good. But will other people always think “oh she’s just another black kid from a low-income city from the south. And is also queer and ND.” And just leave it at that. Because truly, nobody cares beyond that.

everything in this world just seems so fucked up, every system feels like it’s been tainted beyond belief, and that the people who understand that, and realize that everything sucks just have to deal with it. Because the majority just don’t realize it and don’t care. And even if they’re not in the majority, they still control everything, and still don’t care.

anyways yeah. will people every truly and actually appreciate me for the things I find cool, and will it get better for people who don’t fit in or do I just have to suck it up.

#yeah I’ve been struggling this weekend lmao #I’m so sleepy and upset but I have an assignment to do so I don’t fail #I need a hug

2 notes · View notes

feelingunfulfilled · 1 year

Text

Well I just spend a good amount of time lying in the dark on the floor next to my cat, while also crying and almost sobbing out loud. But it was in that weird depressed way of crying. Like aftershock before the catastrophic event even happens. Where if I took the time to think deeply about it, I would bawl. But if I looked at my surroundings, I would instantly stop crying and feel nothing again. Almost as though the crying never happened

I remember hearing about that kind of on-and-off grief in one of doodlevloggle’s videos on YouTube. I think she discussed it briefly in “yeah ow (sept)”. But I’ve never experienced it before until now. Perhaps it’s a sign that my depression might be more that moderate at this point…

According to this source I found, the lack of feeling emotions (mainly that of happinesses) is called social anhedonia? Often associated with depression, social anhedonia causes a lack of ability to feel pleasure when engaging in social interactions. You often feel the need to fake emotions, since your feeling of enjoyment is unresponsive/diminished. This often results in social withdraw and lack of care for your loved ones. That would explain why I feel so detached from emotions and social situations, finding myself zoning out all the time. But I’m not sure if that term is dated or not. And it doesn’t have any correlation to the on-and-off crying, so I’m still not sure what that’s about

But this isn’t mean to be about depression terms. This is about spending time with my cat. Maybe the final moments I’ll get to have with her aside from the brief moments tomorrow. Yesterday I was able to get her to purr again when I pet her, but tonight she was silent. It’s unreal how quiet she’s become, when just last month she was still her talkative self. I don’t understand how things changed so quickly, and why my parents faced such sudden urgency with putting her down. They say it’s because (even though we received medication for Nia last week, so we haven’t even given it enough time to determine if the effects work in the long run) the medication only helps numb her pain rather then help her get better. It’s not going to help heal her, and her condition has already debilitated her and can’t be reversed or stopped from growing. I don’t think I’ve come to terms with that idea, what do you mean we are just giving up on her? I know logically it makes sense to put her down before things get worse and the pain becomes unbearable, but…I don’t want to say goodbye. I don’t want to feel like I’m giving up on the chances she could recover (even though it’s impossible with her tumors)

As I’m writing this its getting late, but I don’t want to go to sleep. Because that means I’ll wake up to see tomorrow. When my cat (Nia) will be put to sleep. And I’ll have to bear witness to it. And I’ll most likely feel nothing…and that would kill me internally. I’ve been so disconnected from this situation ever since the news plagued me last week. And I don’t like how unemotional I am about this terrible situation. I should be feeling terrible. But I’m not. Even though I grew up with this cat, even though her brother already died so now that she’s gone we won’t have anymore cats around. She’s the only sister I’ll ever have. And yet….I don’t feel like I’m feeling anymore or any less then I did weeks prior. It makes me seem as though I’m being dismissive to the severity of the situation. I’m NOT TRYING to be. If I could, I would choose to feel all the sadness and pain that comes with experiencing death. Even though it’s awful to feel those things, at least I’d know I actually care. That her death holds significance to me. Maybe then I wouldn’t think I’m so cold or emotionally broken

I want her to know I love her, and that I will miss her. I want my family to recognize that I share their grief. But if I don’t shed any tears, or feel sad for days on end, how can they know? The last thing I want is for my Dad to question me about it. Ask stupid things like “don’t you feel bad about it?” when that’s a given already. I know he doesn’t mean ill by phrasing words like that. But last week, he wouldn’t stop shoving the older photos of Nia in my face and saying “this is how she looked in her prime” when he knows I was THERE. I already know that she has been suffering recently. I know she was in better health when she was younger. It’s almost like he thinks I have a terrible memory and forgot about it?? I know that my attentiveness has been lacking because depression, but that doesn’t mean I have a faulty memory. It seems like, by mentioning Nia’s condition over and over, he wants an emotional reaction out of me…some acknowledgment or confrontation that I feel sad about it. Or perhaps it’s just his own way of grieving and coming to terms with how things are in the present. I know it must be really hard for him, being reminded of Niko’s passing while also loosing Nia. Both of them had tumors which spread throughout their bodies. And now Nia is going to be put to sleep tomorrow as well. But at least this time, we will be there for when she passes. I’m terrified if witnessing her go limp and stop breathing. This is the first time I’ve witnessed death in person, despite having been surrounded by it in the past

And I hate how I’m making this all about me and my parents rather then Nia. The center of all of this. Maybe later on I will write a proper memoir/tribute to her life, and give her death the significance, compassion, and respect deserved. While remembering her life and reminiscing on how many memories we shared. But as of now I don’t know what the proper corse of action is. I still haven’t even written a proper goodbye for my cousins passing. I don’t know if I’d be able to write such an emotionally charged tribute without lacking. I get that it’s the thought that counts, but even so, I don’t want to be doing it for the sake of doing it. I want it to come from genuine heart and give myself time to compose my thoughts in a meaningful way. So most likely I’ll hold off from it

It makes me somewhat anxious how I’m only a few more hours away from tomorrow. Only a few more hours away from a final goodbye. And still, even after writing all of this, even after crying on the floor next to Nia and petting her fur, I remain unmoved. Resistant to accepting reality. So detached from the situation that I don’t know how I’m meant to react. I’m scared. Terrified even. None of this feels real. I hate goodbyes. I hate how incomplete all of this feels. And yet again, I made it about me. Fuck

#cw death #cw animal death #cw tumor #cw cancer #cw depression #cw vent #vent

0 notes

silverdelirium · 3 years

Text

SWEET TOOTH | J.P

SUMMARY ➠ ice cream man!james fucks you in his ice cream truck

WARNINGS ➠ fingering, dirty talk, semi-public sex, praise kink, humiliation (?), pet names, bit of a breeding kink, not proofread

WORD COUNT ➠ 2.0k

A/N ➠ the long awaited ice cream man james smut ;) oh and this is for @hellounicorn <33

———

you were in that stage between dreams and reality when you heard it.

the small tune that you memorized since you started living in this neighbourhood— he always passed by in summer; and god, were you craving something cold and tasty to munch on when it was a thousand degrees outside.

you hummed in content as you lifted yourself from your bed, stretching your lips and rummaging through your closet in an attempt to find a comfortable and decent attire to meet james; as weird as it sounded, you wanted to impress the ice cream man and it was safe to say that you had developed a small crush— james had always been so nice to you, going as far as giving you free popsicles in exchange for a brief conversation.

the tip of your nerves went on fire as you stepped outside; spotting him buckling his belt. he was wearing a tight fit white shirt that had you drooling and shuddering.

——

“there you go, kiddo” chuckled james after delivering a chocolate ice cream to the last kid of the big crowd that had formed earlier.

he sighed in disappointment when he realized that you still hadn’t come out yet— he had purposely parked the van a few feet from your house, just so you could maybe pop by and have a nice chat with him.

truth is that james missed you. he hadn’t seen you since last summer and it had already been a shitty weather day, he knew you would be the only one to lift his mood up with that bright smile of yours.

james went back to the driver’s seat and as he finished buckling himself up he heard a small scream of his name upfront.

holy fuck— thought james.

you were wearing a small cute sundress that accentuated your figure in the best way possible, and when he let his eyes travel down to your chest, he caught a glimpse of your peebled nipples. leading him to get into the conclusion that you might only be wearing panties underneath that dress. his cock ached at the thought.

he stepped on the pedal lightly and drove closer to you, until the truck was right in line with your home.

“hi there, sweetheart!” he greeted, unbuckling his seatbelt and going into the back— where he was met with your face through the open window.

“hello james” you giggled “long time, no see, huh?”

“damn right you are, honey— i was starting to wonder if you moved out, what took you so long?” he spoke in a querying tone.

the tip of your ears and nose grew hot as you remembered struggling to find something cute for him. “oh— uhm, i was just— looking for my shoes you know?” you awkwardly chuckled, staring down at the five dollar bill in your hand as if it was the most interesting thing in the planet.

he gave you a bit of an amused look before shaking his head “whatever you say, pretty girl” your tummy fluttered as the nickname dripped from his lips like sweet honey.

“what would you like today, hm?”

“oh just— something sweet and creamy, like an ice cream popsicle” you shrugged, not noticing the effect your words had on james.

“i know something of yours that is sweet and creamy” he murmured under his breath. “what was that?” “oh, no nothing” he gave you a tight lipped smile, his cheeks dusting pink.

“right well uhm, the ice cream”

“oh shoot yeah— what uh” he paused to clear his throat “what flavor where you thinking of, petal?” and his sweet flirty persona was back on, as if the thought of having a face full of your pussy wasn’t replaying on his head over and over again.

“i don’t know” you groaned, almost embarrassed at your sudden indecisiveness.

“you can come in you know? take a look at the flavors and see which one catches your attention more” he offered, sparing you a small smile.

“won’t you get in trouble for that?” you cocked your head to the side. “i don’t mind” he shrugged, the corners of his lips still quirked up as he opened up the back door for you; already holding both of his hands out to help you climb in.

what a gentleman, you thought.

“there we go, honey. take your time.” spoke james as he patted your waist twice, sending a buzz of excitement all throughout your body that almost made you shudder on the spot.

the variety of flavours seemed so appetizing you started wishing you would’ve brought your whole wallet to buy all of them at once, but a peach flavoured ice cream would do.

as you went to give james the money he only chuckled and said “you know i wouldn’t charge a pretty little thing like you, your presence is enough” before handing you the sweet and throwing you a wink as he rested his back on the frame of the window.

the way his muscles flexed as he crossed them over his chest had you questioning whether you should’ve asked for his cock instead of a fucking popsicle—

and god… that damn shirt had your core clenching around air as your mind wandered about him fucking you in every position possible, he just looked so elegantly inviting.

“you done staring, sweetheart?”

shit. you didn’t even realize.

“oh my god, i am so sorry, i should probably leave” you nervously laughed, heading towards the back doors, only to have a large hand around your abdomen stop you.

holy fuck. james potter’s body was pressed against yours and you almost let out a moan as his breath fanned over the side of your petrified face.

“you can’t just leave me all alone in here, sweetie” his hand traveled lower down your mid drift. by now, your stupid peach flavored popsicle was long gone somewhere on the floor, melting. almost as much as you were against james’ hefty chest.

you swallowed thickly, blinking a few times to collect yourself as you turned your head to the side, it was hot breath against hot breath now; if only one of you made the first move—

“oh fuck this” he growled, disconnecting his palm from your pelvis and instead linking it with your jaw to have more access against your lightly chapped lips.

the lip-lock was vulgar and enticing since the start, both of you feeling the luscious sparks that it sent to your sex.

“i’ve been way too fucking patient” you heard him mumble as he took your lower lip in between his teeth, coaxing a whine as you felt your core drip with arousal. “bet you think about me when that pretty cunt is begging for relief, huh?”

“yes jamie, i do. i fucking do” you heaved, impassionedly grinding your bum against his bulging crotch. “i’m gonna fuck you nice and long today, baby. until all you can do is beg for more”

his words went straight to your sopping cunt as he waddled you forward, his mouth still on yours, to the window.

his lips detached from yours. “there we go baby, stay nice and loud for me, yeah? want the whole fucking neighbourhood to know who’s stuffing you full.”

your fingers gripped the edge of the window tightly as james nipped at your neck, his left hand bunching up your dress while the right one’s simultaneously prodded at your swollen button. “you came all bare for me, honey? bet you wanted me to fuck you good once and for all” he groaned, not giving you a warning as he slipped two fingers at once, leaving you a gasping mess as your knuckles turned white from holding on to the frame of the aperture you were leaned on.

“james!” you cried out quietly, rocking your hips back onto his fingers as the ones from his free hand made a path to your throat, lightly squeezing the sides.

his digits made wonders to your contracting insides, juices already making a sticky mess on your thighs as he curled them upwards, caressing your g-spot in a mouth-watering manner; the pad of his thumb made way to your clit, soothing it in tight figure eights as your legs shook, pulling small wails after wails from you.

feeling the thrill of the enticing orgasm building up, you brought one of your hands back to tangle itself on the male’s dark curls, only to have him tut at you as he removed his drenched fingers.

“wha— no! please!” you shamelessly begged, not giving a shit about anything else besides the ache on your heat.

james did nothing besides giving you a wicked grin as he let go of your neck, now focusing on lowering down his trousers— which quickly had you shutting up as you stared in fascination.

he was definitely the biggest you have had so far. a nice length with a thickness that would make a barbarous stretch feel so fucking delirious.

“i’m not sure if i can fit in that tiny hole of yours, precious. maybe i should just leave you like this” he fake pouted, a hint of amusement lacing his features as your bottom lip trembled at the thought of not having him inside you in the next fifteen seconds or so. “no! it’ll fit! make it fit” you mewled, rubbing your pooling cunt against his grith.

“so impatient” he chuckled, stabilizing your hips with his hands before forcing himself into you in one single unforgiving push, making you let out a small scream as your eyes shut tight.

james gave you a few moments for you to get comfortable before you rocked your hips backwards into his as a sign of consent. his hand travelled upwards to grope at your breasts as he thrusted deeply.

“my god, you feel like absolute heaven” he grunted, and even though you couldn’t hear him, the strain in his voice gave away that he was probably with his head thrown back, abs clenching and biceps flexed as his chest heaved, a sight for sore eyes truly.

your mouth stayed agape as his tip kissed your g-spot. your vision clouded with small black stars that had you genuinely question whether they were really painted in your house or not.

james started with a brutal speed since the start, the smacking of your skin against his was filthy and loud, you could only hope mr. benson wouldn’t go for a walk today.

the van rocked and lightly squeaked with every thrust of james’ and you tried your best to contain every loud moan and cry that might alarm the whole block. james had other plans though. “say my name baby, don’t hold back, i want to have your pretty moans fucking memorized”

you complied, throwing your last fucks out of the window and chanting his name like a prayer as your eyes rolled to the back of your head, his strong arms moving to hold you up by the bending of your elbows, causing your spine to arch in a perfect C as james continuously grunted in your ear.

“you’re gonna be absolutely cockdrunk after i’m done with you, honey” he groaned, speeding up the push of his hips and biting down on your shoulder as he brought you both closer to the edge.

“james! i’m gonna cum so hard, don’t stop please, don’t fucking stop” you sobbed, moaning uncontrollably as the coil in your stomach unravelled without any form of forewarning.

“there we go, cream my cock so nicely baby” whispered james, still fucking your quivering pussy through the orgasm with an aggressive pace. “oh fuck, this tight cunt is gonna milk me dry, yeah?”

you could only answer him with a whimper as your legs almost gave out on you if it wasn’t for him holding you up, a few more sloppy thrusts and he was spraying your fluttering walls with his cum, whines escaping his lips.

a breathy moan passed through your mouth as he pulled out, his load slowly flowing out of your puffy folds.

“you look so hot when you’re stuffed full of my cum, sweetheart.” rasped james, peppering your cheeks with soft kisses.

———

i’m tagging the people who clicked “all” in my taglist, dm me if you wish to be removed.

🏷: @selenesheart @siriusblackwifeeey @alohastitch0626 @remuslupinswhore @caosfanblr @memorycharm @abbott27 @elizabethrosedarling @samaraaaaa @malfoyspov @ildm4ev @kieracass4lyfers @acciodignity @methblinds @adrianscumslut @wh0re4blaise @dracomalfoys-wh0re @dlmmdl @lolooo22 @darlingmalfoy @littlemissnoname13 @riddleswh0rekrux @lostaurorax @alexavolturisblog @marauderswh0re1 @black-rose-29 @emma67 @mypainistemporary @mauvea @teenwolfbitches28 @lissa-duh @paniicing @alohastitch0626 @caosfanblr @memorycharm @youreso-golden @malfoyspov

[check your privacy settings if i wasn’t able to tag you ]

#james potter #james potter smut #james potter au #james potter fluff #james potter one shot #james potter fic #james potter x reader #james potter x you #james potter x y/n #james potter fanfiction

1K notes · View notes

skyeet-the-writer · 4 years

Text

The Love Among Us

Chapter 1-- I’d Never Snitch On Daddy

so i haven’t seen many corpse husband x reader stories on here, so i decided to upload one myself. i’ve been watching jacksepticeye’s among us videos and when i heard corpse talk for the first time, i was like, “hol up” and now i’ve been obsessed with him. also, go stream his music on spotify, it’s amazing. enjoy! x.

corpse husband x female!reader

summary: while playing among us, y/n watches corpse kill felix in o2. when his body is reported, however, she doesn’t tell who killed him.

word count: ~3.6k

warnings: swearing, mentions of death (not real death), mentions of murder (not real murder)

EDIT: before i wrote this and after i published it, i did not know that corpse did not like to be referred to as “daddy”. had i known this, i would have not even thought of posting this. and since i know now, i won’t refer to him as such in the future. thank you. (10/19/2020)

EDIT 2: this is the first part to my corpse x reader series. i will be adding chapters as we go!

next>

4 rounds before the incident

“I was in coms with PJ!” Sean exclaims.

“He is doing the liar voice!” Felix shouts with a laugh.

“I’m not,” Sean tries to say, but everyone talks over him and the voting time ends. Everyone left alive, though it was only four people, had all voted for him and he yells at them as he gets ejected.

stinky was not the imposter

2 imposters remain

The round ends and everyone unmutes themselves.

“Lizzie, you saw Felix kill me and you did nothing!” Roomie yells as soon as the round ends and the imposters are revealed.

“Yeah, because I was the other imposter.”

“Oh. Okay, well that makes sense.”

Everyone laughs and Ken starts the round again.

“Wait, can I invite y/n to play? She’s doing her twenty-four-hour stream and she just finished playing Monopoly with Mark, Bob, and Wade,” says Lizzie, looking down at her phone as they all appear back in the waiting room.

“Yes,” Corpse blurts out and there are a few laughs and chuckles.

“You were quick to answer, Corpse,” Sean teases.

“Shut up,” Corpse mumbles and there are even more laughs.

Lizzie smiles and taps into her phone. “I’m gonna invite her.”

“I can’t believe that you actually made that deal, y/n,” Wade is telling you after ending the second round of Monopoly that you’ve played with them.

You smile and cross your legs on your chair. “Look, I was going bankrupt and it seemed good at the time. Besides, Mark was going to win anyway, he owned half of the board.” Your phone buzzes beside you on your desk and you pick it up. “Lizzie texted me.” There’s a sound effect that plays in your headset and you look up at your screen and smile. “Thanks to _lorieplays _for donating a hundred dollars, that means a lot. Thank you so much.”

“Do you want to play another round?” Marks asks.

You shake your head, reading the text from your friend in England. “No, I don’t want to lose to you again.” You laugh. “Nah, Lizzie wants me to play Among Us with her and a few others. It was fun playing with you guys.”

“It was even though you took all of my money,” Bob snaps.

You laugh. “Yeah, yeah. See you guys later.”

“Bye,” says Mark.

“See y--” Wade begins but you cut him off when you disconnect from the call.

“Oops.” You put a hand over your mouth and laugh. “Sorry, Wade. Okay.” You straighten up and glance over everything, making sure it’s all working properly. “I have to pee and I think my roommate ordered pizza, so we’ll be back after this short break. Enjoy this live feed of my pet rats.” You giggle and switch the stream over to a view of your two rats in their cage where you have a camera set up. You take your headset off and head out of your recording room.

Every two months, you have a twenty-four-hour livestream where you play games with your friends from all around the world. Despite being only twenty-five, your Youtube channel had grown exponentially in the past three years and you’ve had the chance to meet lots of other Youtubers like Markiplier, PewDiePie, and your close friend, LDShadowLady.

Currently, you’re on hour twenty of twenty-four and you’re beginning to feel the effects of not sleeping for a whole day. You had been drinking coffee and energy drinks for the past four hours and that seemed to perk you up for two hours max. But your roommate had ordered pizza and that would hopefully wake you up.

After going to the bathroom and grabbing an entire box of pizza, you return to your recording room and sit down. You put your headset back on and eat a slice of pizza before switching the views back to you. “And we’re back. I hope you guys enjoyed my rats because I don’t. They keep me up at night.”

You read a comment while loading up Among Us and laugh. “No, they’re not dead. They’re sleeping. They do that a lot when they’re not fighting.”

When you finally get into the game and entire the code, you spawn in. You also quickly join the Discord chat and wince when nearly ten voices hit you at once.

“y/n!” exclaims Lizzie and the other voices die down for a moment before rising to greet you.

You wince again but laugh. “Jesus, you guys are loud. Hey, Lizzie.” You move your character to the customize tab and go to try and switch your color. But then you frown and realize that you’re stuck with being dark blue. “Damn, I wanted to be white.”

“Do you want to switch?” Corpse asks.

Your eyes widen you your stomach flips. You hadn’t noticed Corpse was in this game. Immediately, your chat became flooded with keyboard smashing and lots of “omg my shipp” and “y/n rlly said ‘anna oop-’”

“Uh, yeah, if you don’t mind,” you manage to stutter out and take a bite of pizza as Corpse’s player comes over and the white option becomes available. You select it and also select the goggles in the hats menu.

“How’s your stream going?” asks Sean.

You shrug. “Pretty good. I’m super tired, though. I literally almost fell asleep while playing Monopoly with Mark, Wade, and Bob.”

“You went to college, right?” You’re pretty sure that’s Roomie.

“Yep,” you affirm with a nod even though they can’t see you. “You’d think that those all-nighters writing papers and studying for finals would make me able to do this.”

There’s a laugh in the group and the round starts.

3 rounds before the incident

You scratch your eyebrow and sigh in relief when you’re the crewmate. You mute yourself and slide up in your chair.

“I like being the crewmate,” you say, heading towards admin as a habit. “It’s a lot less stressful than being imposter.”

After doing your tasks in admin and fueling the engines, you stumble across a dead body in the lower engine and a vent closing.

“Oh,” you say, and press the report button. You unmute yourself and begin with, “So I saw a vent close but I didn’t see who went in.”

“Who died?” asks Lizzie.

“Felix,” says Sean.

You smirk. “It’s always yellow that dies first.”

“Where was the body?” Ken asks.

“Lower engine,” you reply.

“I was in medbay with Corpse doing the scan so it wasn’t him,” PJ says and Corpse makes a noise of confirmation.

This makes your cheeks heat up and you smack a hand over your mouth. Your chat explodes again but you decide to ignore it.

“And I was doing wires in cafeteria,” Lizzie says.

“Sean, where were you?”

“I was in reactor doing the simon says thing,” he answers.

You sigh. “I hate that one. What about you, Ken?”

“I was with Roomie in electrical doing the power thing. You know, the one where you have to divert it somewhere else.”

“So do we skip then?” asks Lizzie.

“No one is super sus, so I’m going to skip,” you answer.

When no one is ejected, you mute yourself again. “I dunno why, but Sean seems pretty sus. Because I didn’t see him on the way down from upper engine. But I guess he could have gotten there in time.” You shrug and run over to the trash chute in the cafeteria. “RIP to Felix, though.”

After doing the trash there, you head down to storage, running into Corpse doing the wires in there. You wait there to clear him and once you do, you run a few circles around him to get his attention and he follows you over to the trash in storage and watches you do that. After that, the two of you head over to electric together and do wires there.

Suddenly, there’s a body reported and you unmute yourself.

“Sean just killed Lizzie in front of me!” exclaims PJ.

“PJ killed Lizzie,” Sean retorts, flipping the blame. “I watched it, he didn’t realize I was there and murdered her.”

“I watched PJ do the scan in medbay, he’s cleared,” Corpse says and you find yourself smiling for no reason. “Sean, you killed Lizzie.”

“I knew he was sus,” you say, grabbing another piece of pizza. You look at the box and your eyes widen. Had you really already eaten half of it?

“Wait wait, how am I sus?” Sean asks.

You take a moment to swallow. “Because when I was doing fuel earlier, I was running down from upper engine and didn’t see you in reactor. Sure, maybe you could have gotten there earlier, but it was super weird.”

The discussion time ends and PJ immediately goes to vote for Sean as well as you, Corpse, and everyone else still alive. Sean ends up getting ejected.

stinky was an imposter

1 imposter remains

“You’re such a detective, y/n,” Sean says when he gets ejected.

You laugh. “I just play this game too much.” You then mute yourself and smile. “I am a genius.”

You end up finishing your tasks quickly after that and then stand in the cafeteria and eat another piece of pizza and read some of the chat.

“’ What am I going to do after this?’ I don’t know. I might play some Minecraft. Should I have a poll on Twitter? I’m stuck between public Among Us games, Minecraft, and taking random quizzes on Buzzfeed.” You smile and hear another sound effect and something pops up on the screen. “Thank you to coochie man for donating a hundred dollars, that means a lot.” You laugh at their name. “I love your name, by the way.”

There’s some rattling in the cage behind you and you turn around to see one of your rats drinking water. You turn back to the chat and read another comment. “’ Do you have a crush on Corpse?’” You blush and smile, biting your lip. “I mean, his voice is hot. I’ve never met him since he lives in San Diego and I live in h/t, but yeah, I guess I do. I’ve been listening to his music for the past few days and it’s really good, you guys should go check it out.”

You look up and unmute yourself when a body is reported. “Who died?” you ask. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Are you already done with your tasks, y/n?” Corpse asks.

God, even the way he says your name is making you blush. “Yeah, I get them done quick.”

“She does that,” says Lizzie, “She always gets her tasks done quick.”

“Ken is dead by the way,” says Roomie and your snort, smacking a hand over your mouth. “I found him in the hallway by navigation. Where was everyone else?”

“I was in cafeteria doing nothing,” you say, leaning back in your chair and spinning around just a little. “I think I saw PJ downloading while I was in there, but I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Yeah, I was downloading,” says Ken.

After more discussion, Corpse points out that Jaiden had been following him and it looked like she had been faking tasks.

“No I haven’t,” she says.

“That sounds like something the imposter would say,” you hum with a smirk. “That’s pretty sus, Jaiden.”

Everyone else agrees and you all end up voting Jaiden out.

jaiden was the imposter

0 imposters remain

You cheer as the round ends and a blue victory screen pops up for the crewmates. “Good game, guys,” you say and play again, waiting for the host.

1 round before the incident

“Oh my god, I’m imposter again?” you groan and sigh when you spawn back in. “I was just imposter, I don’t want to be it again. I’m so bad at it,”

After another short round of you and Felix losing to the crewmates, you all agreed to play two more rounds before Sean had to leave. So you move your character to admin where PJ is and fake the card swipe before moving over to the admin security thing where you could see who was around where. Luckily, no one appeared to be near admin, so you quickly kill PJ and escape through the vent and come out through medbay.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,” you whisper over and over, running down to storage. “That was clean.” You fake getting fuel and go back up to the upper engine.

When PJ’s body is reported, you see that your fellow imposter, Sean, had reported it. You stay silent for most of the round and only say that you were in the fuel area when it was reported.

“Yeah, I saw her run past electrical earlier,” Corpse says. You blush and glance at your exploding chat and shake your head.

After everyone skips the round, you mute yourself once more and head towards navigation. “I hate this.” You drag the last syllable and watch Lizzie enter the room. You wait a moment before walking towards her and killing her, jumping into one of the vents. You let out a sigh and flex your fingers. “I’m so stressed.” You exit out of the vent into shields and your heart stops when you see someone else in there but you realize that it’s the other imposter, Sean, and you relax.

You run past him and go to the trash compartments and pretend to unload those. And that’s how the rest of the round goes. You kill someone, someone reports it and you vote someone off. Eventually, you and Sean do a double kill and end up winning the round.

You unmute yourself.

“Let’s go!” Sean exclaims and you smile.

“I can’t believe you killed me, y/n!” shouts Lizzie. “I thought we were friends.”

You laugh. “There are no friends in this game. I’m not loyal to anyone in this game. You could be my best friend and I would fucking murder you.”

“That’s cold,” says Roomie as everyone else spawns back in.

“Yeah,” you nod.

“Wait, PJ disconnected,” says Sean, and you all end up waiting for him to rejoin.

In that time, you look at your chat and say, “Hey, do you guys have any questions for who I’m playing with. I’m asking you, chat.”

“I swear if someone asks about my hands, I’m leaving,” Corpse says and everyone laughs.

You laugh louder when you read a comment and read it aloud, “_Ironlady _says that you should be a hand model, Corpse.”

“Okay, I’m leaving,” you hear Corpse say over everyone laughing.

“No, stay!” you exclaim, trying not to laugh. “C’mon, don’t leave.”

He sighs deeply and your brain goes fuzzy. “Fine. I’ll stay for you.”

You beam and your tummy turns. You ignore the whistles and remarks from everyone else and stand beside Corpse. You suddenly wish that the little bean characters could hold hands.

When PJ joins the server again, Ken starts the round and you cross your fingers, hoping to get crewmate.

0 rounds before the incident

You mute yourself and sigh when you’re a crewmate. “Thank god.” You let out a breath and go over to admin with everyone else. You swipe your card and go to the cafeteria to do some wires there.

The game turns out to be rather uneventful. A few people die and two people are voted off before the game gets truly interesting. And that happens when you walk in on Corpse and Felix.

“I’ve had this song stuck in my head for days,” you’re saying, walking from electrical over to O2. “And I can’t get it out of my head. Maybe singing it will help.” You hum the first part. “Don't go in there, you'll become one. Freaky creatures, monster party. Eyes of yellow, scales and feathers, tails in tethers. Turn the lights off. Bend the nightmare, you control it. Artful dodger, easy does it. Shut the closet, get under the covers. Snakes and lovers. Turn the lights off.” You do a little dance for a moment and continue hum the song, glancing at the chat as you go towards O2 after doing wires in storage.

“Like, I know the song, it’s just been stuck in my head,” you explain. “And it kind of annoys me--”

But you stop as you enter O2 and watch Corpse murder Felix. Neither one of you move and you don’t know what to do. “Uhhh.”

Then, without thinking, you turn straight around and make your way away from the scene of the murder. “I didn’t see anything!” you shout to no one. “I suddenly can’t see who murdered Felix.” You smack a hand over your mouth and stand in the middle of a hallway. “Oh my god, what do I do? I don’t want to snitch on Corpse, he’s hot.” You scratch the back of your neck and shrug, continuing on to reactor. “I didn’t see anything.”

You’re in the middle of doing the simon says in reactor when Felix’s body is reported. You unmute yourself and fidget with the sleeve of your hoodie. You know exactly who killed Felix.

“--was in O2,” says Jaiden and you focus back into the conversation. “And I didn’t see anyone around.”

“I saw you heading that way, y/n, but I know it wasn’t you because I saw you do the trash in storage.”

You look at the screen when Sean talks to you and you chew your lip. “I know who killed Felix.”

“Who?” asks almost everyone at the same time.

You close your eyes and swallow. It’s just a game, why are you taking this so seriously? Suddenly, a song lyric pops into your head and your stomach flips. You imagine yourself saying it and no one knows who you mean except for him.

You open your eyes. “I’d never snitch on daddy.”

There’s a laugh in the chat and you blush fiercely, your livestream chat blowing up once again.

“I think we know who it is, then,” says Sean, laughing.

“Yeah,” agrees Lizzie and your eyes widen.

“Wait, what?” you ask, watching everyone vote almost as soon as the discussion time ends. “Wait, hang on, who--”

“We know who you’re talking about, y/n,” PJ tells you.

You vote for yourself and your brain goes blank as you see that everyone voted for Corpse. He even voted for himself. They knew. They all _knew _about your feelings for Corpse.

The round ends with Corpse being voted out and the crewmates win. There’s some talking, but you stay on the victory screen. You’re trying to decide if your mad or embarrassed or both.

“I didn’t know you’d say that, y/n,” Corpse says, effectively breaking you out of your trance. “I thought you were gonna snitch on me.”

“You heard her,” teases Lizzie and you can tell she’s grinning. “She’d never snitch on you, Corpse.”

He laughs and you feel something in a certain place. “Oh my god, I’m gonna die of embarrassment.” You put your face in your hands, listening to your friends tease you in the chat. You suddenly want to jump out your window and run into traffic.

“Don’t die,” comes Corpse’s voice through the onslaught of teasing. “I’ll be sad.”

“Fuck!” you shout and slam your hand on your desk, shaking your equipment and scaring your rats. “I’m so sorry, Corpse, that was really weird, I--”

“Stop.” He interrupts you and the chat goes silent and you look up at the screen even though you can’t see him. “It’s okay. It was funny.”

Your eyes widen and then narrow. Funny? He thought what you said was funny? How could he think it was funny?

But then he speaks again and he sounds oddly flustered. “Uh, I gotta go. Um, it was fun playing with you guys. Bye, y/n.”

“Bye Cor--” but then he disconnects and you’re left talking to no one. “--pse.”

There’s a long moment of silence until Felix breaks it. “I can’t believe you just watched me die and didn’t do anything about it.”

There are some laughs and you smile faintly, rejoining the game. “Yeah, uh, sorry about that.”

“Are you okay, y/n?” asks Lizzie.

You blush and swallow. “I don’t know. God, I’m so weird.” You run a hand through your hair and adjust your headphones

“No, you’re not,” Roomie assures you. “He has a crush on you, too.”

Your eyes widen and you scoot up in your chair. “He does?”

“I mean, he called you pretty once during a game and said that he watches your videos a lot, so maybe.”

You groan and sink in your chair. “I’m gonna go, I need to run into traffic now.”

A few people laugh or chuckle and Lizzie asks you if you’re actually going to leave.

“Yeah,” you tell her. “But not to run into traffic. I’m going to go play Minecraft to soothe myself.”

“Aw.” You can practically hear her frown. “Okay. Bye, y/n.”

“Good luck with your stream,” Ken tells you.

You grin. “Okay, thanks, bye.”

When you exit the game and leave the chat, you scream. You actually scream and it’s loud. Your roommate even knocks on your door, asking if you’re okay.

You look at them and nod. “Yeah, totally fine. Probably about to have a mental breakdown, but I’m fine.”

“Okay,” they say and lean on the doorframe. “But I’m not cutting bangs for you again.”

You laugh and nod. “Yeah, okay, fine.” They leave and you turn back to your stream, feeling like you’re about to cry. Corpse knows you have a crush on him. And it seems like he has one on you as well, but now you’re embarrassed because you called him ‘daddy’ on stream.

You rub your eyes. “Well, now I know what’ll be streaming on Twitter tonight,” you tell the chat.

#corpse_husband #corpse husband #x reader #female reader #corpse husband x reader #corpse_husband x reader #jacksepticeye #among us #ldshadowlady #pewdiepie #fanfic

5K notes · View notes

junova · 3 years

Text

↬ 𝐰𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐛𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 | 𝐬. 𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬

abstract — steve professes his love for you then disappears for three months. what happens when he returns?

pairing — steve rogers x fem!reader

wc — 2.7k

warnings — 18+ DO NOT INTERACT IF YOU ARE A MINOR, heavy smut, daddy kink, unprotected sex (wrap it before u tap it), cockwarming if u squint, cussing, angst, fluff.

[m blabs] — howdy howdy! this is for @chrissquares @drabblewithfrannybarnes , and @amythedvdhoarder hoelentine’s fic swap! sorry this is a day late pls dont come for me and i did not proof read this so i apologize for future readers suffering thank u

my giftee was one of the insanely talented writers on this app — @donutloverxo ! hope you like it berry! <3

It had been months since you’d seen him. An undercover mission taking longer than originally thought left you feeling lonelier to your own surprise. You blamed it how the two of you left things unresolved. Out in the open, all of his feelings laid out on a silver platter for you to take.

All of it. Steve, his love, the moment of words you’d dreamed of him saying — it was too real. Too unimaginable to believe. He always is.

You’d never really had someone you who went out of their way everyday to make you feel loved and Steve did. Truly, you should have seen it sooner. The consistency of his adoration and loyalty blew the limits of platonic friendship. Not until, he was nearly crying, choked up by his own words did you realize just how much it ran deep within him.

The words he spoke to you were still echoing in the forefront of your mind, not letting you breath for a moment. Were you really in love with him just as much as he was with you? It was hard to believe just because Steve was so far out of reach. Especially for you.

Watching his beautiful shade of cerulean, bright and beaming with hope, wanting nothing more than to for you to see him. Leaving him the impression that you didn’t cut the two of you deep. Your answer was hesitant, full of caution. Exactly the opposite for what he was yearning for.

Now, just like you had done for the past couple of weeks, you found yourself waiting in the tower for him. You lingered around no matter how many times Tony told you they would let you know when he was home safely. It didn’t stop you from coming, though.

Even if you knew it would be even longer until you would get to finish the conversation with him, being her helped you feel more at ease. Plus, no one’s besides Tony had the guts to try and make you leave.

Natasha and Sam were the only ones who didn’t really question it. Ever since you met Steve, you were here so often but they just so happened to be walking down the hall when he confessed exactly how wide his affection ran for you.

As they watched you linger in the tower, even if the outcome had been different than Steve wanted or expected, Sam and Nat were starting to see just how much you cared for him.

Natasha was the one to catch you silently sleeping in one of his sweatshirts cuddled up into his sheets. Thankfully, still smelling like him just enough to lull you into a peaceful slumber.

Then, Sam caught you peeking at the framed picture of the two of you sitting on his desk, the only one which did. Admiring the way you let your fingers drift around the wooden frame, endearingly. Internally, continuing to fight this inner battle within you.

“If it makes it any easier, I’m sure he misses you just as much.” You peaked up at the tone of Wilson’s voice, making his presence known. He walked over to you, watching as you continued to look at the photo.

Your smile wide at your college graduation, ball and gown, wearing a dress you knew Steve liked with his arms wrapped around your waist in a truly candid moment, one you’d forgotten about. The picture more than likely buried so deep within your phone with the countless others you had taken of and with him.

“I wish it did, but it doesn't really. Just wish I knew he was okay. I worry a bit too much, I think.” You spoke softly, halfway speaking to Sam but you mostly just spoke to yourself. “I never knew he kept this photo of us here.” Your touch finally disconnects from the sturdy frame.

“He really thinks too sweetly of me.” Standing in his office, surrounded by all of his belongings made it so much harder for you to cut ties like you had originally wanted to do. “Really? Couldn’t tell by how he talks about you constantly.”

“Oh my god, Sam.” You tried to ignore the butterflies erupting in your tummy, but anytime Steve was mentioned it seemed to be an effect he only seemed to pull from you. “What? C’mon, all of us know he was planning on telling you how he felt before Bucky and him left.”

Well, it seemed the embarrassment only seemed to continue.

“All of you, even Tony?” You asked him, even if you knew the answer. You just wanted the attention off you. “Especially Tony. Why do you think he’s been more of a smartass lately?” It made sense, but it did nothing to calm the nerves threatening to boil over.

“I guess I’m just having a hard time believing everyone knew how he felt, but me. I just never thought he would ever feel this way again, about anyone, after Peggy. She was the love of his life and it’s not something I couldn’t possibly measure up to.” You stopped looking at the picture, feeling sick to your stomach.

“With all of what he’s told me, I’ll always feel second best to her because I know just as everyone else if he could still have her he would.” You saw the sketch one time, when he left it open on the counter. It wasn’t really like you to snoop, but you couldn’t help it one day and you did.

Page after page, it was all of Peggy. Any feelings you were harboring for him at the time were thrown to the wind. Because then, you knew. Now matter how important you were to him now, you would always be in the shadow of his first love. The one that got away from him.

“What makes you think that?” Tears were starting to surface and you couldn’t handle it, the worst of your insecurities creeping in.

“Just ask to look at his compass next time you see him.” But you knew what was there. You didn’t need yet another painful reminder of it. “Why would I torture myself like that, Sam?”

“Trust me. You may be surprised.” You highly doubt you would be, so why even try?

The party was in full swing by the tie you arrived. The tower was full with more people than usual as you stepped in, watching as everyone enjoyed themselves. You were hesitant to even come to Natasha’s celebration at all.

You hadn’t been here since your conversation with Sam. Just a little too worried Steve might catch you lingering in his home and sleeping in his clothes. It was something the both of you did, but now with his feelings laying out in the open it seems so much more intimate than before.

Just as you were about to head towards the bar area, where everyone was, you left a large find your own grabbing your attention.

“Hi, sweetheart.” His velvety, smooth voice makes you melt just like it always does. It didn’t register for a second, just who you were talking to and when you did he was in for it.

“Stevie!” You leaped into his arms, too shocked to mask your sheer excitement as your legs wrapped around his slim waist, letting yourself be caught by him.

“I missed you so much, honey.” His words clenching at your heart at the endearing nickname. You felt him sigh into you, one of relief.

“I missed you, too.” You mumbled while you were still clinging onto him like your life depended on it.

“As much as I want to catch up, I feel like we should talk about what happened before I left.” Already, your heart dropped into your chest.

“Stevie, it can’t wait. Don’t worry about it. Okay?” You tried to rub it off because even after all this time you still weren’t certain of the weight in his words.

You let yourself down, off of him, and tried to lead him in the direction of the party but he didn’t budge.

“Please, work with me here. I’m sure they all miss you and want to see you.” Now, you were just stalling and Steve could see it as clear as day.

“Sweetheart, please just stop for a minute.” He felt your hand fall as you crossed your arms over your chest passively.

“Please, Steve.” You pleaded with him and for a moment you just thought he might go with you until those dating words fell from his plump lips.

“I can’t stop thinking about you.” Those words effectively shut you up as Steve stepped closer to you.

“I think about if you love me as much as I’ve fallen in love with you.” You couldn’t find it in yourself to move as he edged closer to you.

“Lately, I’ve been thinking about how much I want to kiss those pouty lips of yours. How much I wanna claim you in every single way.” He was so close to you now, questioning how you were still breathing.

“Just tell me you don’t want this and I’ll go down to that party right now and pretend like this never happened.” When you were silent, looking anywhere but him, he got the hint.

You watched as he walked in the navy clad plants with a button up clinging to his narrow waist.

“Wait!” Even with your heels, you ran to him while he waited for you to catch up.

“Do you still carry your compass on you?” You questioned him with tears in your eyes he hadn’t noticed until now.

And it crushed him.

“Of course I do. Wait...Is this just another crack at how old I really am?” Maybe if you weren’t sure he had just crushed your heart with a single response you might’ve laughed.

“I know this is going to sound weird but can I see it?” Watching him reach for it in his right pocket, you noticed the crimson blush reaching his cheeks.

“I just-, how is this is going to change anything?” Watching him as he awkwardly fidgeted with the object in hand.

“I don’t think it will, but I just need to see it.” He handed it over and you held it for a moment before opening it and nothing could have prepared you for it.

Well, possibly Sam’s words if he had elaborated more.

“I-I know it’s kind of weird. I’m sorry I should have asked when I took that photo but you just looked so beautiful like always and I couldn’t help it. I can take it out if it creeps you out too much.” His words trailed off on a mumbling mess as he was afraid he scared you off.

Even more than before.

“I thought you said Peggy’s photo was in it. Wasn’t it?” This time you were the one getting closer as you pushed back the wet hair away from his face, probably from the shower he’d taken not long after he came back.

“She was, but then I fell in love with you.” He leaned into your touch as both of your hands cradled his face.

“You’re my person. My soulmate. My home. I used to be so angry for so long because I had lost everything I ever loved, but it was all just leading me here. Right in this moment with you.”

You could’ve died happy right then, because the man of your dreams was confessing just on how much he loved you, again.

“Steven Grant Rogers?” You watched as his eyebrows furrowed at the mention of his full name. “Don’t you ever stop loving me. Ever.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He needed nothing more until he was locking his lips with your own. Commanding dominance from the start, causing you to whimper in response.

His skillful tongue sliding into your mouth, causing you to moan even more when he picked you up carrying you into his bedroom.

Before you even realized it, he was recklessly threw you on his bed as he stripped himself down to his boxers. His washboard abs and bulging muscles on full display.

In a flash, he was right back on you worshipping your body, turning you into a moaning mess.

Hiking up your red silky dress until it rested on your hips, your pretty pussy glistening already and he had barely touched you.

Without warning, he slipped two fingers into your warm heat watching as your head flew back. “Oh fuck, daddy.”

The words went straight to his cock as he pumped his finger in and out of you, leaving you begging for me.

“Oh, you like when Daddy’s fucking you with his fingers?” You nodded, unable for anything but moaning his name while he added another finger in you. You're hips moving uncontrollably as he was eye level with you.

Using his free hand, he gripped your jaw forcing you to look at him. “I want you to look at me when you come, princess.” With one swift moment, his thumb rubbed over your clit and you lost it.

Hearing you cry out beneath him as he pushed you over, screaming out his name as he continued to fuck your through the high.

“I need to milk your cock, Daddy. I need you to fill me up with your fucking cum.” He threw his boxers to the wind as he let you maneuver yourself on top.

“C’mon, princess. Let me see you bounce on my cock. Show me how bad you need my cum.” You surely didn’t need to be told twice.

Grabbing his hard cock by the tip, before rubbing over the tip and a few times before letting yourself to sink down until you bottomed out.

“You’re so fucking big. Shit.” But Steve didn’t let you take a breather for a moment until he was fucking up into you. Letting you know who was in complete control.

Until your hands found his hips and you used all your strength to pull almost all the way off of him before sinking roughly on his cock.

“Shit, princess.” As you whimpered you pushed yourself to bounce on his cock, no matter how much pain came with pleasure.

“Look at those tits, princess. You’re so fucking hot fucking yourself on Daddy’s cock. Such a good girl.” But then he flipped over pulling himself out of you before manhandling you on all fours.

Smoothing a hand over your spine, “You’re being such a good girl for Daddy. Let me take care of you.” Wrapping his hand around his thick, cock before finding your slick lower lips.

Rubbing the tip of cock along your folds, watching your body tremble before him. “Daddy, please.” You whined like a spoiled brat, begging for attention.

He’d break you of that later.

But now? He cock was practically dying for a release.

He slowly pushed himself into you, watching as your ass inches towards him more. Then, he was slamming himself into you so roughly you couldn’t fucking breathe.

Grabbing you by the hips, he fucked into you like his life depended on it. Admiring you as you took everything you gave him. The second climax hits you more quickly than you thought.

Steve grabs wraps his arm around you, pulling you up with his cock still thrusting up inside you — chasing his own high.

“I’m going to need you to cum with me, princess.” As he fucked into, your chest against his own and as you heard the slapping of his balls hitting your ass.

“Daddy, I can’t. It’s too much.” You shook your head, but he wasn’t taking no for an answer.

“Milk me, Sweetheart. I’m dying to fill you up baby. Let me cum in this tight pussy.” His fingers finding your clit, sending you over the edge.

“Yes. Jesus Christ. Don’t fucking stop.” He continued to fuck you senseless as you came.

“Shit, baby girl. I’m cumming.” Slamming himself hard than before as continued to fuck you into oblivion, his seed filling you up until you the both of you collapsed falling into his soft sheets.

The two of you just stayed there for a while with his cock buried deep beneath you. Soon, enough he pulled out leaving you empty.

He jumped out of bed before comping with a wet rag to clean you up, before pulling you into his chest.

“Okay, I think I might have a Daddy kink.” Making Steve laugh, slightly.

“Yeah, maybe just a little bit sweetheart, not that I’m complaining.”

#omfg this is so ROUGH #but i havent written in like 2 months #so at least we did it!#heck yeah :')#chris evans #chris evans x reader #chris evans smut #steve rogers #steve rogers x reader #stever rogers smut #steve rogers fan fiction #mcu fanfiction #steve rogers fluff #steve rogers angst #m.writes #happyhoelentinesday2021

576 notes · View notes

talkfantasytome · 3 years

Text

'Twas Never Meant to Be - An Opinion

I have a lot of thoughts about this, and really need to get them out. So, let's talk about Elain and Azriel.

First off, I want to warn you, this post is a beast. Like, over 7.5k words beast. It just kept going. I'm sorry, but I didn't know what to take out and, honestly, I didn't want to spend a lot of time heavily editing it. Tread knowingly. I will not be offended if anyone chooses not to read it, or not to read it all.

Secondly, I want to say that this post is not meant to be a pro-Gwynriel or pro-Elucian post. Regardless of my personal ships, I want to explain why I, personally, do not believe Elain and Azriel would be right for each other. And these reasonings go far beyond "because I'd prefer them with someone else". In fact, these beliefs and feelings are first and foremost in my mind when considering all three of these ships, and any feelings I may or may not have on other ships are always second to my belief that they would not be right together. I will do my best to keep Gwyn and Lucien out of the comparison, unless using them as a way to point to something that would be wrong between Elain and Azriel - versus stating any reason why the other would be right.

The first two reasons I will share are ones I have been holding on to for quite a while, and have only become stronger with more content (Silver Flames). I have, personally, not seen much around these two thoughts, but recognize that they may be out there already, as there is no new thought under the sun. So, here goes:

Step Away From the Characters

Honestly, my first reason really has nothing to do with the characters themselves at all, but it's something I can't get out of my head. It's a personal thing, I know, as everyone might see it differently, but I can't help but feel like the three brothers ending up with the three sisters would be too perfect, too convenient.

I know that it's a shit argument when talking about an SJM book, and the more I read about the series, and the more books that come out within it, the more I recognize this. It makes me sad. But personally, I can't get behind this storyline, this ending that is so perfect it makes my skin crawl. It's not how life works, and it doesn't really make sense. If it were three adoptive sisters, as the bat boys are, it would actually make more sense, because it would stand to reason that you would have a two groups that mirror each other. That one girl who mirrored Rhys, let's say, then befriended to the point of sisterhood ones that mirrored the boys that Rhys befriended to the point of brotherhood. But Nesta, Elain, and Feyre are sisters by blood, not by choice, and so it isn't an automatic that they would be that reflection to the boys. And even though the boys lived together, and weren't fully brought together by choice as much as Mrs. Rhys's mother, they still chose to stay together and be brothers.

We have never, not fully, seen the Archerons make those same choices. These boys live together (or used to), work together, truly share their lives. The Archerons don't. The girls were disconnected before becoming Fae, and they are still disconnected after it. You see it more clearly with Nesta, of course, trying to stay away from the group, stay separate. But you see it with Feyre and Elain too. You see how Elain practically gives up on Nesta, and how Feyre discredits and dismisses Elain as anything more than just a kind soul who likes to garden. You can't, for two seconds, convince me that the Archerons have as similar or as bonded relationships to each other as the bat boys, and that alone tells us that we should not expect them to mirror the boys.

I would also like to note, looking back at the characters for a second, that it has been observed by others how Feyre and Nesta do seem to have similar energies a lot. On top of that, you could argue that Nesta mirrors all three bat boys in one way or another. It's one theory as to why she and Rhys struggle so much with each other, because they're too similar. And, you can't convince me that Az and Nesta don't share a bond because of their own similarities. Nesta's fire was cold as ice. Rhys once observed Azriels rage as an 'icy rage'. I don't think I need to mention how Nesta mirrors Cassian, but it's there too. So, the fact that she would be the sister who ended up with a mate from the Night Court, one of these three brothers, just made a lot of sense. But Elain, who is so different from her sisters, she doesn't have that same energy. It's not a bad thing, but it helps make sense why she would be the one with a mate from outside this Court.

Beyond this, however, I still struggle with the three and three come together concept. And that's coming from someone who actually has, within her family, a story of two brothers marrying two sisters - my great grandparents (or great great, I can never remember). So, I know stuff like this does happen, though admittedly my only experience is with two and two, and naturally I do believe that the likelihood of the full group being with the full other group goes down with each additional number. Regardless of that, though, it is an author's job to tell a story that we can connect to, and having such convenient and perfect endings makes it difficult to do just that. Because life isn't like that.

So I struggle with the concept of this. Like I said, the more I get to know these books, this series, the more I understand that this is not a great argument for why Elain and Azriel aren't endgame considering how other things have played out, but I still think it's a good argument for why they shouldn't be. However, I would also say that the argument that they will end up together because it's three brothers and three sisters is completely off base and illogical, for reasons I've mentioned above. What is the purpose of that? How does that drive the plot and the story and world? How does it connect us to them better? It doesn't. All it does is be just a convenient little bow that has no true purpose, unless there is true purpose as to why each sister ended up with each brother. And I don't really see a purpose as to why Elain would end up with Az except that they're both the last sibling, and that they currently like each other. But that doesn't mean they're right for each other, and I don't see how them being together will spur the story and the world forward the way Feyre and Rhys did, and the way Nesta and Cassian can and/or will.

As someone who dabbles in writing, I have thought about these types of things, and I'm always adjusting plans and thoughts when I realize I've gone into that too perfect la la land, and I'd like to believe that all writers do that. SJM has had some convenient endings, but I will say I've not yet felt like any ending was just too perfect. The closest was, of course, ACOWAR. But even then, you still had threads, misunderstandings, questions, and things you weren't happy about. Yes, the ending felt a bit perfect, but we still lost the Bone Carver, Mr. Archeron, the Suriel, etc. There were still things that made it less than completely perfect. And much of what was done in the ending did move this story forward, and provide the opening for what we are now getting. And, in the same vein, I like to think that SJM would recognize how this would be too much. But, I don't hold out a lot of hope on this reasoning alone, it's really just something I had to get off my chest.

Share Life With Me

This next point is huge for me, in my mind. Again, it is based off of my own personal opinions of some characters, as well, so I do understand that some people may not agree with this argument. That's fine, but you will not sway me.

It all comes down to one thing. What does Az want?

In the Az POV chapter we are finally told, out right, that he does want Elain. But, my question - does he really?

I have been thinking about this since long before Silver Flames, since we all knew Az had a crush, but it wasn't as cemented until Silver Flames came out, and we saw how Nesta and Cassian would develop as a couple. Because, and here's the kicker, I don't believe Az actually wants Elain.

Yes, you read that right. I know he thinks he wants Elain. I know he believes she's kind and beautiful. And I recognize that there was a sexual tension there - I'm not blind. But I don't believe that Elain is the end goal Azriel is actually looking for.

I believe that she is a representation of that end goal.

This mostly comes down to his conversation with Rhys, his belief about the Cauldron:

"The Cauldron chose three sisters. Tell me how it's possible that my two brothers are with two of those sisters, yet the third was given to another." He had never before dared speak the words aloud.

Okay, first - Az, please see point above. Also, I can't help but feel like SJM put that in here almost to show that this isn't actually a valid argument.

Second, let's dissect that argument for a moment. Now, perhaps Az is just trying to find what he considers a more 'objective' reason for why Elain should be his, why they should be together. However, if that were the case, then why would he have never dared speak those words aloud? Most likely because he knows it's not a solid argument, and logical Az knows this. But this is 2 AM, you just stopped me from kissing the girl I fancy Az, and he definitely is not being his most logical self.

It's also not a logical or good argument because of one simple word. Given. "…the third was given to another." Az, you're better than this. I truly want to believe you're better than this. I understand that the mating bond is weird, and inherently at least slightly sexist, but that doesn't give any male the right to really look at it that way. Especially when you consider the explanation that the mating bond will be present between two perfect equals. This is seen in ACOMAF when Feyre can't believe Rhys would be her mate, because that's what it would mean, that she's his equal. This also paints Elain as an object, which, no matter what anyone's feelings are toward the character, is not okay. She is a person. A fictional one, but still a person, she cannot be given unless she chooses to give herself. The Cauldron simply dictated who it believes is best for her, and vice versa. I'm not saying the Cauldron was right, or that she and Lucien would be good together, but that's what the mating bond is. To argue that the Cauldron was wrong because two brothers got two of the sisters, but the third was given to another is inherently wrong, because Elain cannot be given away.

It also shows that maybe Az really isn't truly seeing Elain for who she is, if he is thinking of it this way. I do believe that Az is a feminist, or, at least, more of a feminist than most of the males in Prythian (which, sadly, doesn't seem to be saying much). So I don't believe this is a comment based on a sexism in Az we haven't seen yet, I truly don't. I believe that it is a comment made by someone whose judgement is clouded, and who is, as I stated earlier, using Elain as a representation of what he's really looking for. He seems to idolize her, put her on a pedestal, believe that she is all light, all good. (Az, please see my previous post on that little nugget.) He objectifies her not because he truly believes she is an object, but because she has become a symbol in his mind - she is not the person Elain to him. She is the one he should have, the one who will bring him what he wants. Note I didn't say the one he wants. Whenever a person puts another on a pedestal the way Az has with Elain, whenever someone idolizes them, or believes that said person will fix all of their woes, they are subconsciously objectifying them. That being is no longer seen as a true person, with all the flaws and struggles and ugly parts. They are something else. And those types of feelings about another person never end in a good relationship, because at least one side is always expecting too much from the other, and they rarely learn to cope with what they didn't expect. And, for the record, you should never really be 'coping' with your partners flaws, but that's a conversation for another day.

Beyond being not a truly logical argument, and showing us how Azriel has actually objectified Elain in his mind, I also believe this statement gives us insight into what Az actually wants. He could have said a number of things to express a belief (or desire) that the Cauldron was wrong. He could have talked about his feelings for Elain. About how he thinks their personalities are too compatible for them to not be rightfully mates. Pretty much, he could have said something about Elain, and how they are right together because of who they are.

But he didn't.

Instead, Az brought up his two brothers and their mates. How they each got one, so surely the third should be his. And why did he do this? Again, maybe 2 AM Az who had lost his logic just thought this was an objective reason. But I think there's more to it than that. I think he brought up those other relationships as a way to point toward what it is he really wants. Because that's what's on his mind. It's not that Elain is perfect for him, that she is everything he could have ever hoped for in a female. It's that she is the sister of his brother's two mates, and he wants what his brothers have. So, clearly, that must mean that it's Elain who can give him that.

Again, Az, please read my first point. Because that's not a guarantee just because they're related.

Now, I imagine most people are saying, "Well, duh. We all know he wants what they have. He said so earlier on in the chapter." And he did:

Azriel couldn't stop it. The envy in his chest. Of Cassian, and Rhys.

So, it's not new. But, this argument he provided highlights that so specifically. He wants what his brothers have. Not a mate, per se. No. What they have.

But, wait, a mate is what they have. What are you saying?

Yes, a mate is what each of them have. But, as we know, not all mates are perfect for each other. Rhys and Feyre, and Cassian and Nesta are both examples of how right the mating bond can be. But, let's instead look at what they both have, in points, instead of just saying they have a mate. Here are, from my interpretation, the main common aspects of these two relationships:

Love. Sure, Nesta and Cassian hadn't said it yet. But, yes, they love each other, they're just both stubborn and scared and maybe not ready to say it.

Heavy sexual attraction and chemistry. This may not always be the most important piece of a relationship, but it's blatant in both of theirs, and it's clear that Az wants that as well. Which is fair.

Friendship. It's hard to see it at times, because these books are so much about the romance, but I do believe that both couples are truly friends who like to spend time together. Who can have fun together. We don't get to see this enough - and I do wish we saw more of it - but it is there. It's there when Cassian throws his head back laughing at something Nesta said. Or when Rhys is thrilled when sassy Feyre appears. And yes, it is in part the mating bond, making them want to be near each other, but they still enjoy that time together. Mates who aren't right for each other wouldn't.

True partners. In these two relationships, they are more than just each other's mate, lover, friend. They are and/or are becoming partners. In their relationships, Rhys and Cass have found a female who they can share their lives with. Completely and fully. In Feyre, Rhys has found a High Lady, a female who is his true equal, who can rule the Court with him. They work together, plan together. And Rhys can come home at night and tell her everything about his day. In Nesta, Cass has found someone who, I believe, will grow to command with him. Likely female units, but she is still mirroring Cass in that way. She may not become his true equal in terms of being Commander of the Night Court, but she would still be his partner. He will still be able to strategize with her, the two working together to determine where each unit will go. He will command the Illyrians, and by his side she will command the Valkyries. And he can come home, at the end of the day, and tell her everything about his day.

It's this last piece that I want to really dig into, because that is what separates Rhys and Cassian's relationships from others we have seen, in my opinion, and thus that is what Az wants. It's not just a mate, he wants what his brothers have, a true partner who he can fully share his life with. Because that is what makes their relationships so special.

And, in the end, I do not believe Elain can be that for him.

I am not trying to discredit Elain, or say that she is simple, or that she can't do anything but garden and be a housewife. No. That is not my point. I do think, however, that what it would entail to be a true partner to Az is something she does not want to do. And that is okay! It is okay for her to want to garden and bake. It's okay to not wish to be involved in all of the plotting and planning and little missions and quests that the Inner Circle does. It's okay to not want to train. To be happy as you are.

But she can't do both. She can't be a true partner to Azriel and remain as she is. Now, perhaps she does want more, and I have misread her. It's possible, I am not infallible. However, she hasn't ever truly shown us anything that tells me otherwise. And, no, I don't believe her offering to find the Dread Trove in Silver Flames counts as I don't believe she offered to do so out of the goodness of her heart or because she wanted to do it. I believe she wanted to prove Nesta wrong. (Again, you can see this in my previous post.) So, to be a true partner to Azriel, she may have to change everything that she is. And that's not fair to her.

And, even if I am way off on a lot of this. Even if she does want to do more for the Night Court. There is one thing that we have learned about Elain:

She does not wish to fight, she does not wish to train.

I'm sorry, you can't convince me otherwise. Not when she has had ample opportunity to do so in the year, year and a half since Hybern, and still hasn't. It was different with Nesta, who was dealing with a lot of other things, but Elain has been, for the most part, fairly healthy. Her not training is her choice because of who she is.

Again, this is okay! I am not insulting Elain for this, not at all. I get it. I don't particularly love working out - the main exercise I get is from rock climbing twice a week, that's it. So I get it. However, you cannot work with Azriel and not be trained, not know how to fight. Even if Elain could be silent, or infiltrate courts easily, and learn secrets, you need those skills, even if it's just a fallback to ensure you can escape should something go wrong. But it also helps to understand these types of things, to understand battle and politics and everything else. It's not about whether she can do this, it's about whether she wants to do this, and I'm not sure she does. So she would either have to change who she is, and be unhappy to become Az's partner, or she wouldn't be able to be that. And, admittedly, if she were unhappy, he still wouldn't have what his brothers have.

However, on top of that, I also don't know if Azriel would let Elain be his true partner. Think about when they're at dinner, talking about how Nesta needs to scry, and how they'll have to rely on Elain if she doesn't - what Azriel says.

“There is an innate darkness to the Dread Trove that Elain should not be exposed to.”

Sidebar - I've not seen anyone talk about how Cassian was absolutely in the right for defending Nesta. So I did. You can see my soap box here.

Now, back to the point. This is one example of how Az is constantly trying to protect Elain from, well, kinda everything. So, even if Elain did want to do all of those things, would Az even be okay with it? He obviously can't stop her from training or anything like that - and if he tries should she ever want to, he's dead to me. But, would he really share his life with her? Tell her about those 'unspeakable things that sullied his hands far beyond their scars'? I don't believe he would. I don't believe he could truly handle her working with him because, again, he has put her on this pedestal of beauty and grace and goodness (that she may not have). And the things he does are not good, at least not by his standards. He wouldn't be able to truly include her until he started to look at her as her own person again, which I also don't see happening. And, even then, he still wouldn't want to share with her all he'd done, believing her likely to judge those things, to be too pure to even hear about them. Regardless of whether that is true or not about Elain, it would hinder him from being able to have a true partner in her. When Azriel comes home at night, he would not tell her everything about his day.

Love Yourself, Az

This, I know for a fact, is not a new revelation. I have seen a lot about this, and have seen some posts that even helped me along with this as well, but I can't not address Az's shadows. I would link to the first post I saw about this but, admittedly, I can't find it. So, just know, I'm not the only one thinking this, and I recognize that some of this may come off as similar to others, but I couldn't not talk about this because it just feels so important.

Elain sucked in a soft breath that whispered over his skin. His shadows skittered back at the sound. They'd always been prone to vanish when she was around.

It wasn't until the Azriel POV chapter that I fully understood what lay behind the fact that Az's shadows would retreat around Elain, when we get a direct comparison to how they react to Gwyn's breath:

"How was the party?" Her breath curled in front of her mouth, and one of his shadows darted out to dance with it before twirling back to him. Like it heard some silent music.

Before this, I didn't realize how bad a sign it is, for his shadows to retreat. I just thought they did that when he was around someone he was attracted to, almost as a sense that the other person lightened him up. But, with this comparison, and in general what we see from Az when around Elain, I see just how wrong I was. His shadows hiding isn't a sign of him lightening up - no, it's a sign of him retreating more into himself, trying to be something that he isn't around that person, in the hopes that they'll accept him if he is.

In the end, it's toxic.

He can't be who he truly is around Elain. That's not something that will lead to a healthy, happy relationship. He may have the girl he thinks he wants, but he won't have the relationship we all know he is desperate for. Whereas, around Gwyn, we see his shadows reach out to another person, jump out, dance with her breath, sing to her. He is able to fully embrace who he is around her. He will be able to be himself with her, love himself with her. And whether or not Gwyn is the right person to him, what this tells us is that Elain can't be that person. That she, like Mor, would be toxic to Az.

On top of that, I can't not point out the word usage here.

While I did observe this on my own, I am not the first to point it out - pagesofmoonlight talks about this in detail, about the usage of the term 'skittered' in regards to how the shadows retreat from Elain. It's not just a general hiding, or even a 'lightening' of Az, as I once thought. It's a gut reaction to her, her breath. They run from her. When I read that word, I literally picture a wave of something, and the shadows seeing it and running from it in fear.

Similarly, in comparison, with Gwyn's breath, the shadows 'darted' out to it. That, also, is not just a general they reached out to it for warmth or contact. Now, they darted - that is a very quick move, often done with a need or desire to get to where you're going as quickly as possible. The shadows needed or wanted to be with that breath, so they darted to it.

Like I said, this post isn't meant to be promoting one ship over Elain and Azriel. But what Gwyn provides here is a comparison, is a sign of what could and should be, whether with her or another person. Even if she isn't endgame, she shows us this problem between Elain and Azriel.

Home is Where You Shine

This entire post, which has become MASSIVE, has been very focused on Azriel, and why Elain is not right for him. But I want to touch on a reason why Az isn't right for Elain.

Azriel is a part of the Night Court. It is his home. It is where he belongs. He fits here, it is right for him. He can and does fine here. I don't think anyone can deny this. But Elain - she does not.

First, let's look at when Nesta is in the Spring Court.

Nesta’s throat constricted, and she surveyed the swaying cherry blossoms overhead. Elain would love this place. So many flowers, all in bloom, so much green—the light, vibrant green of new grass—so many birds singing and such warm, buttery sunshine. Nesta felt like a storm cloud standing amid it all. But Elain … The Spring Court had been made for someone like her.

I'm not saying Elain will end up in the Spring Court, but I do believe it is telling that Nesta would think about another court this way. We've not, to my recollection, really ever seen another character think about how well someone would fit in a different court. Feyre did, if I remember correctly, mention enjoying other courts at times, thinking they were beautiful, but never did she think about how right someone within her court would be in a different court. Because no one else in the Inner Circle would fit so well in another court. For whatever reason it is, everyone else is perfectly suited for the Night Court, and they can handle it.

It takes a lot to be a part of the Night Court. The masks they all wear, the reputation they have, the responsibilities that fall on their shoulders. It's not an insult or an attack on any character to say that they may not fit there, that they may be more in tune with the beauty of Spring, the warmth of Summer, the light of Day. And Elain, who is gentle and kind and not one to pretend to be what she isn't - likely because she's never felt the need to - I can understand how it would be hard.

Secondly, and I know it's a point of contention, and a well-discussed piece of Silver Flames, but I do want to talk about the Solstice Ball, and Cassian's observations.

Elain in black was ridiculous. Yes, she was beautiful, but the color of her long-sleeved, modest gown leeched the brightness from her face. It wore her, rather than the other way around. And he knew the cruelty of the Hewn City troubled her. But she hadn’t hesitated to come. When Feyre had offered to let her remain home, Elain had squared her shoulders and declared that she was a part of this court—and would do whatever was needed. So Elain had let her golden-brown hair down tonight, and pinned it back with twin combs of pearl. He’d never once in the two years he’d known her found Elain to be plain, but wearing black, no matter how much she claimed to be part of this court … It sucked the life from her.

I will try not to go too far into the information about Elain in the black dress, as it's been discussed a lot from both sides, though I do think it is telling, because Cassian isn't just saying it's the one dress. It's very specific about how Elainin black was ridiculous, not that dress. It may seem shallow, but in the end, black is a crucial color in the Night Court, and that type of symbolism is often used to depict things just like this. It would not be the first time, and it certainly won't be the last that a writer uses color this way. However, I have seen a number of posts about this, on both sides, and I do understand both arguments, even if I disagree with one because I don't think it's meant to just be a skewed POV.

I would like to note, however, that the main argument I've seen is that there was once another time Elain was described in a dress that did little to complement her, but it's a very different description. That other time, it's mentioned specifically that the dress and color/shade of the dress did little to complement her 'sallow skin'. First of all, this is specifically discussing how the color didn't work with her skin, not how the color 'drained the life out of her'. Secondly, I would say it is very important to note that 'sallow' means "of a sickly, yellowish or lightish brown color". It is not discussing her skin as it typically is, but how it is when she was in the midst of her own depression after becoming High Fae. It's not that the dress didn't complement her, it's just that it didn't help make her skin look better than the sickly state it was currently in. Whereas, in this reflection, Elain is healthy, and still the black is draining her. Not the dress, not the shade - black. Point blank.

It's also important to recognize that this isn't meant to insult Elain, I believe it is a symbol of how she doesn't shine in the Night Court, how this court could potentially 'suck the life out of her'. Yes, it's just a dress. Yes, there's a chance they wanted her to look plain, but I don't believe that.

They were always going to have Nesta dance with Eris, and they all knew that, despite Elain's beauty, and no matter how lovely she looked, Eris would gravitate to Nesta. He'd already shown interest in her, he'd already become intrigued. He looked at Elain first, I believe, to get a look at his brother's mate. Because he wasn't looking at Elain with interest. No, it was an 'assessing gaze'. There was no reason to make Elain look plain. In fact, there was every reason to make sure she looked just as beautiful as Nesta. Think about what Cassian said just before this:

Both sisters wore black. Both walked behind Rhys and Feyre, a silent indicator that they were a part of the royal family. Had mighty powers of their own. They’d planned it that way, wanting Eris to see for himself how valuable Nesta was.

Why would they want her to look plain, considering this? They wanted Nesta and Elain to walk in the procession behind Feyre and Rhys, as a sign, a symbol. Yes, they wanted Eris to see and understand how valuable Nesta was, as it is said, but they didn't want Elain to look any less valuable. First, doing so would have made Nesta look less valuable by comparison. But, on top of that, I highly doubt they had any fears that Eris would prefer Elain - if they believed Eris about Lucien, then I think they'd believe that Eris wouldn't wish to take away his brother's mate. In fact, I imagine Eris would more likely help Lucien with Elain - but, that just be my Eris stan status coming out.

What is clear is that it was purposeful that they put both Nesta and Elain in black, as a symbol that they are a part of this family. My guess is that they found a dress for Elain that did her the most justice, and that she was comfortable wearing but, in the end, black just doesn't work on her. And is that fact not telling when that is the color of the family?

While this was in draft mode, I also found this post from yazthebookish, who goes deeper into this, and how it wasn't just Cassian who observed how ridiculous Nesta looked in black. So, for those who want to talk about how it is a skewed perspective, there were actually three that made this observation, and I absolutely agree that SJM wouldn't shove this in there solely to say that they purposefully tried to make sure Nesta outshone Elain. As they pointed out, Nesta is gorgeous in her own right. Cassian met her and Elain together, and he was instantly drawn to Nesta. As I mentioned earlier, Eris has been intrigued by her since long before this - see the High Lords meeting in ACOWAR. Helion would gladly get into her leathers, and while I'm aware that's not saying much, his focus on her is slightly higher than you see it on others he would also slide into bed with. She doesn't need Elain to dull herself down to shine.

I also think the one observation about how the black 'wore her' matters. It makes me wonder more about this court, both the general Night Court, and the people in the Inner Circle. Is the court wearing her? Is it sucking the life out of her? Is this why we don't see as much spine from Elain? We got some in this book, but it was all in an attempt to prove she belongs to this court. Something she feels the need to do, as we see in Cassian's reflection:

When Feyre had offered to let her remain home, Elain had squared her shoulders and declared that she was a part of this court—and would do whatever was needed.

…but wearing black, no matter how much she claimed to be part of this court … It sucked the life from her.

First of all, just quickly, I want to mention the ellipses before it says 'it sucked the life from her', and what came right before that. Is Cassian talking about the black? Or is he talking about being a part of this court? I don't have the answer, just food for thought.

I can't help but notice that Elain seems to feel the need to constantly prove, declare, and claim that she is part of this court. She has to push her way through, and while I know it's in part because so many people try to protect her, I think it's more than that. I believe Elain wants to be a part of the Night Court, but in the end it's not suited to her, and so she has to force her way in, when even Nesta, who everyone has been so displeased with, manages to fall in much easier. It's not because they don't like Elain, that's obvious. I believe it's because, in the end, they all see it.

It reminds me a lot of Tywin Lannister's quote from GoT (TV series, I won't read the books until George RR Martin finishes them):

Any man who must say, "I am the King", is no true king.

Could you not adjust this to: "Any person who must say, 'I am part of this court', is not truly part of this court."

I don't think Nesta has once said that. Feyre, maybe, but not in the same way as much as in letting certain people outside the court know. But, to have to say that within the court - it signifies that either you, yourself, don't believe yourself part of the court, or that maybe you aren't truly. Or that you are, but you recognize that maybe it's not the right fit, even if you really want it to be.

In the end, while I don't think Elain can't fit or find a nice life in the Night Court, the final point is that she doesn't shine in the Night Court. And that's not the same as saying she fully doesn't belong. But, shouldn't home be a place where you shine? Where you can be everything you are, and it is absolutely right? Isn't that what Nesta found in Silver Flames, in the House, with Cassian, and Gwyn, and Emerie,…and the House? She didn't have to be anything other than who she was, with any of them, and she still found a place that not only provided her comfort, but where she could truly shine. And she's found it in the Night Court, as well.

Elain hasn't. And maybe that's just because we haven't seen her story play out yet. I'm not so stuck up to believe there's no way I could be wrong. In fact, what bugs me the most about a lot of posts around these different beliefs is the use of 'when' instead of 'if', because no one wants to admit that, at this point in time, no matter what side you're on, it very much is an 'if'. None of us know what SJM has planned. All we can do is use the information we've been given to make as educated a guess as possible. This is mine, and SJM may prove me completely wrong, and that's okay. She may end up giving Elain a more similar arc to Nesta, and show how she develops and grows into someone who flourishes in the Night Court with Az by her side, and should she do that, I hope it's in a way I can understand and not something poorly developed and difficult to grasp.

A Mate is A Mate is A Mate

I won't talk too much about how she and Azriel aren't mates and how that automatically means they couldn't work. It could, in concept. I won't address the theories about her ending up with multiple mates. I do not agree with these theories, as they conflict with the canon we have. Until SJM puts out canon information that can explain a contradiction to what we've been given, any theory that truly contradicts the canon provided I will not consider, whether I like it or not. Multiple mates is not a thing. Being able to sever the mating bond so that someone can have a new mate is not a thing. I do recognize that females can reject the mating bond, and I am not saying whether or not I think Elain should or shouldn't do this with Lucien. Nor am I saying that having a story where someone does reject the mating bond to see how that plays out wouldn't be great.

I will point out, however, that it is often discussed as a thing females do. Females reject the mating bond. Males who have a female that rejected the mating bond grow incredibly uncomfortable, and they truly struggle.

...there will always be a ... tug. For the females, it is usually easier to ignore, but the males ... It can drive them mad.

I'm not going to include all the stuff about males thinking their mate belongs to them. Grow up, Prythian. Get with the program. But, considering this, considering the other pieces we get, I do not know if a male can be with another person, truly, in a loving relationship if he has a mate. Maybe one day, years and years and years after the rejection. Or maybe, if his mate doesn't fit his preferences - if that is a thing (and honestly, we don't yet know the status of same-sex mates, but if they are a thing - please let them be - then I have a harder time believing that those who have specific preferences would end up in a mating pair with the wrong gender).

I am not saying this to say that Elain and Lucien should be together. I am saying this because, considering all these things, right now, canon information essentially tells us that, should Az find his mate, he will go to her, need to be around her. Think about Cassian when Feyre asked why he bothers with Nesta:

Because I can't stay away.

Think about how Lucien couldn't help but try to find Elain, despite direct orders of being told not to. Or about how the second Rhys heard Feyre say 'no' in her mind to Tamlin, he was there to take her away. They just can't help it. The mating bond has a stronger pull on males.

And, maybe Az would be able to deny the bond. To reject it himself, who knows. But, based on everything we've been told, that would be incredibly difficult. And, considering how much he wants what his brothers have, would he want to?

Obviously, there is reason to believe Az does have a mate, and we've met her. And I know some people disagree with this. I would be interested to hear any theories about why he and Gwyn aren't mates, so long as they don't involve Elain. It's not that I have anything against her, it's just that those arguments don't actually point to Gwyn and Az not being mates, just that the person believes Elain and Az belong together regardless, which is not an argument for why they're not mates. But if there are any reasons or signs found in the books and canon information that distinctly point against Gwyn and Az being mates, then I'm open to hearing those points. And, as I mentioned, I do not entertain any canon-conflicting theories, such as the multiple mates one.

As it stands, though, I do think we have been directed toward the idea that Gwyn and Az are mates, and can believe that the mating bond will snap into place. Once it does, I have a hard time believing Az will actually be able to stay away. And that, even if Gwyn ends up rejecting that bond, I don't know that he'll be able to be with Elain after it, knowing Elain isn't his first choice.

Final Thoughts

Like I said earlier, I'm not against Elain rejecting the mating bond, or anyone doing so. I will say this, though - how much more powerful would it be to have someone reject the mating bond not because they wish to be with someone else, but just because they do not wish to be with that person? Is it not more empowering to see a female (or male, if they can do it) choose to be single, and live their life as they are solely because they just do not wish to be with that person? Instead of it being more of an, 'well, it's just, I'd rather be with him'. Sadly, I do not think Elain is set up to be that person. Gwyn could, potentially, be, though I'll admit I don't believe it, considering the attention Gwyn pays to him. But I do think it's worth noting that, in my opinion, the mating bond can be rejected even if there is not another male in the picture.

However, despite all the questions and uncertainties, until we get answers, this is my personal view, based on what I've seen in the books, and how I've interpreted it. I personally feel that, regardless of who I hope ends up with whom, SJM has placed a number of clues and hints to show that Elain and Azriel aren't meant to be together, that they wouldn't be right together. And that, if they were to be together, the relationship would likely be unhealthy, and potentially toxic.

---------------------

This post is also not meant to insult or attack Elain in any way, nor Azriel. Nor am I trying to insult or attack those who ship them together. We are all welcome to our own opinions. I promise to respect yours, please respect mine.

#acotar #acomaf #acowar #acofas #acosf #sarah j mass #azriel #elain archeron #nesta archeron #cassian #feyre archeron #rhysand #gwyn berdara #lucien #gwynriel #elucien #anti elriel

187 notes · View notes

leejihoonownsmyheart · 3 years

Text

The Dugout

Summary:

While at a baseball game with your friend, you make an unexpected acquaintance.

Warnings: Creampie, no protection, degradation, spanking/ hitting of certain body parts

“Well, what do you say sweetheart? Go out on a date with me?”

You flinched as the boy in front of you took you by your wrist, tightly pulling you closer to him. You could smell the distinct aroma of pizza on his breath, and it made you regret leaving your seat at the game.

You had known better than to leave Jeonghan’s side when you went to a game with him at an rival school. The boys at this school were known for being a bit less friendly when it came to talking to girls, and you had known that. But Jeonghan had pissed you off when he told you that you “weren’t allowed to leave his side”. What gave him the right after all? You weren’t his property; you were your own person.

So, you had stormed away from him, ignoring his calls after you as you went.

You didn’t need him to escort you to the restroom. What kind of bull crap was that? “Excuse me, I don’t particularly enjoy being ignored.”

“Yeah, how dare you ignore Jeon!”

“Apologize to him you bitch!”

You were jolted roughly in three different directions, your eyes screwing shut.

Maybe next time you set your pride aside. Being safer was much better than getting yourself in stupid, easily avoidable situations like this one.

“Sorry, I just-”

You were jolted again, and you felt another one of the groupies fingers digging into your arm and you wished suddenly you were a bit stronger. If you were you could at least fight back.

Lose? Yes, since it would be five against one. But fight back, nonetheless.

You reasoned you didn’t have very many options. You could keep quiet and make a serious attempt to just go along with them and what they were asking of you. Maybe if you did then they would cool down.

Just as you thought that however you felt one of the goons push you down to your knees. You felt your knees press into the hard-concrete ground and you hissed out in surprise.

Maybe nothing would get them to cool down.

You really didn’t have any options now. You had to get out of this situation. You had to stay safe. You felt your nose scrunch in concentration.

“Look,” you mumbled. “You better let go of me… Or.. Or you’re really going to regret it.”

The guy, Jeon, or whatever laughed cruelly.

“Really and why is that?” He asked you, leaning down towards you. He clearly wasn’t impressed. Or scared or intimidated by anything that you had to say at all. You cleared your throat.

“Because,” you replied surely. “I have a boyfriend and he is not going to be happy if he finds out that you did this.”

Falling back on the existence of some sort of man was honestly the most disgusting and degrading thing that you could possibly do. You didn’t need a man to protect you, you really didn’t. But still you knew that reasoning with guys like this would be… Difficult, and the best way to overcome those difficulties would be to scare them with the one thing that could scare them.

Bigger scarier guys.

“You think I’m scared of your boyfriend?” He asked with a laugh. “Is he here? Cause I don’t see him anywhere.”

You were forced back up to your feet, unluckily by Jeon burying his fingers in your hair and pulling you up by the roots. Was it dramatic to say that didn’t hurt as much as your pride at having to lie about this whole boyfriend thing?

You absolutely didn’t have a boyfriend, and it was entirely because you didn’t want one. You hadn’t yet met a single person who treated you the way that you wanted to be treated. People were either too clingy, too protective, or not protective enough.

Yeah you wanted to be cared for just as badly as the next person but people who cared about you to the extent of say… Jeonghan trying to walk you to the bathroom… It was just ridiculous.

“Just make sure to be careful.”

My god, you were always careful. You always took care of yourself. Sometimes people truly could be suffocating.

“Well,” Jeon emphasized, ripping you from your admittedly off-track train of thoughts. “Where is he? Where’s your boyfriend who is going to save you hm?”

You looked around you quickly, your thoughts running through your mind at a million miles an hour. There weren’t a lot of people around. Some guys, some girls. You ignored the girls- they were pretending like you weren’t being attacked- and focused in on the guys. There were a few band kids- no offense to band kids but you knew they weren’t interested in being of any use to you- and then there were two other guys. One on his phone- he glanced at you, and then just as quickly glanced away.

One option. You had one option.

There was a boy standing not far from you, he had large black headphones over his ears, and his hair was tucked beneath a yellow Pledis Academy baseball cap. He was disconnected from the world, clearly occupied by whatever beats were coming from his headphones.

He had on a sweater, navy blue with yellow path work letters sewn on spelling out the word “becoming”. He had on tight white pants, but you could barely see them with how big the sweater was. It made him look even smaller, like a child. Even the palms of his hand were hidden under the sleeves.

He didn’t really look like the kind of guy these people would be scared of but… Lack of options.

Before you could really think it through you pointed at him, hoping to God he was better than these guys.

“Him, he’s my boyfriend!”

The boy, Jeon, coughed, his hands dropping from your body.

“Jihoon is your boyfriend?” He blurted. Your nose wrinkled slightly. So that was his name.

“That’s right,” you agreed, feeling a little more confident. You thought it was odd, the way the people around you all backed away. Was this Jihoon someone that they were scared of? “Should I go get him? Tell him what you guys were-”

Before you could even finish the guys were back on you again. Jeon’s hands were combing through your hair, his expression nervous.

“There’s no need for that,” he assured softly. “After all, you’re fine right?”

“Boss her knees.”

“God are you guys stupid, how could you hurt her like that?”

The boys were brushing the dust off of your clothes, making you look presentable. A girl could get used to that kind of treatment. But a question remained and… Apparently, you weren’t the only one who thought so.

The boy in question, Jihoon, turned his head, his eyebrows raising when he saw the way that Jeon and his dorkwads were treating you. He placed his hands on his headphones and lowered them to hang around his neck. The minute that the other boys realized that he could hear they freaked out.

“Jihoon, I swear it’s not what it looks like,” Jeon assured desperately. “I mean really. We never meant to mess with her. We didn’t realize that she was your girl.”

“Huh?” Jihoon asked. His gaze turned to you, and his eyes were not angry persay. Just…. Confused. Almost… Bored. Maybe that was good for you.

“Sweetheart,” you exclaimed. His eyebrows quirked at that. “I just came to find you before the game. Sorry, I got sidetracked.”

A slow, understanding smile crossed Jihoon’s face. One that honestly surprised you. You thought for sure he would leave you for dead, but instead… He took a step forward. Jeon and his goons all took a step back, as if him getting closer was an actual threat on their lives.

“You know I don’t like to be kept waiting,” Jihoon mumbled. He put a hand in his back pocket and with the other one, quirked a finger. A clear indication that he wanted you to come over.

Maybe if you were smart you wouldn’t have. But… You weren’t smart, so you- without much of a second thought- walked over to him. You wanted this to seem, well, as authentic as it possibly could so you smiled at him as you drew near.

“I missed you,” you offered, your teeth gritting as you said the words. He snorted.

“I missed you too,” he murmured. “My beautiful, beautiful girlfriend.”

He held his hand out and you stopped in your tracks, watching as he trailed his eyes up and down your body. Normally, you wouldn’t appreciate the attention, but there was something about him… You didn’t mind.

“You know, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you that I’ve practically forgotten your name.”

You laughed into the back of your hand.

“Oh, you remember,” you assured. You murmured out your name and he made a huge show, of remembering.

“Of course, of course. How could I forget?” He teased. He reached out to you again, this time clearly intent on touching you. His hand high enough to the soothe your head where Jeon had pulled it but he hesitated. He didn’t touch you without knowing that you wouldn’t mind.

You liked that. You ducked your head forward and put your hands over his wrists. You pushed his hand down until it laid flat on your head. You looked at him with a pathetic pout spread across your lips.

“That boy pulled my hair,” you pouted.

You heard Jeon suck in a horrified gasp at those words.

“I-”

“Does your head hurt?” Jihoon asked you. You nodded once, and it was enough for him. He brushed his hand down your head, caressing you ever so carefully. There was a weird moment in which he just looked at you. You weren’t sure what he was searching for but you could tell that there was something in you he was trying to find.

He looked away from you and nudged you over to his side.

You wondered if he found what he was looking for.

“Jihoon, we’re so unbelievably sorry,” Jeon insisted, drawing your attention back over to him. You covered your mouth as you watched him drop to his knees before the guy. Jihoon snickered next to you, and it made you look over at him. You were surprised when you found that he wasn’t looking at Jeon, but at you with a distinct smirk on his lips. You raised an eyebrow at him and he turned his attention back towards Jeon.

“Get out of my sight while I’m still feeling generous,” he replied pointedly. Without another word, Jeon scrambled to his feet and rushed away. You watched as him and the other guys stumbled off, leaving nothing but dust in their wake. You tried not to laugh too hard as they ran off and once, they were gone all you could do was deflate in relief.

“Well, thank you for that,” you mumbled. You pulled away from him and thoughtfully brushed yourself off. Suddenly, you had an uneasy feeling about being here alone with this Jihoon character. Those girls who you didn’t think could care about what you were doing, were uneasily glancing your way.

You thought about the fear in Jeon’s eyes and you wondered what this boy could’ve possibly be doing that made everyone so scared of him.

But you didn’t wonder too much.

You pushed your hands into your back pocket.

“Alright, nice to meet you, thank you. I should just be going then-” You began to wander away from Jihoon, but before you could make it very fair, Jihoon had scoffed.

“What you think you can just claim to be my girlfriend and just walk away?” Jihoon asked you. He dipped his head a little bit to look at you better, his eyebrows high on his forehead. He murmured your name, it like a whisper on his lips. “I sure would like to get to know you better.”

You felt color raise to your cheeks, but you didn’t bother hiding it.

“I mean, I really out to…” You trailed off nervously. “Get back to my friend… He’ll miss me if I don’t.”

Jihoon stepped towards you once again and held out his hand.

“The game doesn’t start for another while,” he mumbled. “You’re not from around, here right?”

He paused but you knew he wasn’t done speaking. You nervously cleared your throat and shook your head. Unable to explain the sudden fluttering of butterflies in the pit of your stomach. When had you lost your confidence? When had you become so shy of what Jihoon was going to do around you?

After all, you had trusted him to save you from those boys so why were you so nervous now?

“I really wouldn’t mind staying around,” you assured softly, brushing your hair back out of your face, despite the fact that you had been really wanting to hide your face in those strands of hair. “But my friend really would worry. He-”

“Ah,” Jihoon interrupted unsurely. He placed his hands back over his headphones. “I get it. You either have a boyfriend, or you just don’t want to do anything.”

Your mouth dropped and he shrugged.

“I should’ve known. After all you’re too pretty to be single.”

You were surprised that Jihoon was actually going to leave you at that revelation. You watched in pure shock as he began to pull his headphones back over his ears, turning away from you.

You felt your heart skip a beat, something about the way that the two of you had acted together not long ago. Something about the way that Jihoon treated you despite you being a total stranger. He was taking you seriously. No one ever took you seriously.

“Wait-” You called. He paused, shifting his headphone’s slightly so that he could hear you, but not turning his body to face you again. “What if I said I didn’t have a boyfriend?”

Jihoon glanced at you, an eyebrow raising.

“Yeah?” he asked you, a glint suddenly sparkling in his eye.

“Well, it’d be unfair if I didn’t repay you somehow. So, what do you say? You want me to buy you food or something before the game?”

Jihoon stared at you, his posture back to what it had been when addressing those guys before. He was once again making himself seem so much bigger than he was in reality, putting on that tough exterior that you assumed had to be the reason those other guys were so scared ohim.

“You don’t go to Pledis University, do you?” Jihoon observed. You raised an eyebrow at him which he took as answer enough. “So how did you learn my name?”

“I pointed at you and Jeon supplied the rest,” you replied with a shrug. “Why- Should I know your name?”

Jihoon stared at you thoughtfully for a long moment, seeming to access what you were saying. Then after a while he smiled.

“No, you shouldn’t,” he decided. “And I think I have an idea better than just getting hot dogs.”

He held out his hand for you to take, raising a curious eyebrow towards you.

“Tell me, how crazy are you exactly?”

Your lips turned up into a mischievous smile, placing your hand in his without hesitation.

“Lead the way Mr. Jihoon.”

“Oh, I like it when you call me that,” Jihoon stated with a wink.

You looked around the old dugout, your eyebrows raising.

“You know, it’s surprisingly tidy in here,” you commented. “When you said Old Dugout, I was expecting something more like high school. Cobwebs and used condoms.”

“Well, University is different you know? Cleaner- and no one uses condoms,” Jihoon replied teasingly.

You chuckled at his joke and let your head fall to the side with a smile.

“You would think people would be smarter with a higher education,” you mumbled. You let your back fall against the wall, and you shrugged off-handedly. The action made Jihoon’s eyes fluttered down to your breasts. “But I guess some people just can’t be taught.”

Before you could say another word Jihoon was closing the distance between you two. He pressed his hand squarely on your shoulder, pressing you against the brick wall his other hand coming up to your cheek as he pulled you in for a rough kiss.

The action didn’t surprise you, but it did send a thrill of excitement running through your body. You felt yourself hook your leg around Jihoon’s and you pulled him closer to you with fistfuls of your hands in his shirt.

As he kissed you, his mouth rough and possessive over your lips, you felt yourself grinding down on his leg, desperate for more contact then the little bit he was already giving you.

It wasn’t often that you found yourself craving another person’s touch like this but there was something about Jihoon that made you feel like you were empty, and you were hot, and you were horny. And Jihoon was the only cure for your sudden ailment.

He seemed to sense this because he chuckled against your lips. He hooked his thumb into your mouth between your lips and forcefully pushed you back against the wall. You huffed at the loss, but he just looked on at you in amusement.

“Who would’ve known from a glance that you were so...” He trailed off, seeming to try and find the right word to describe you.

“Horny?” You suggested. The corner of his lip quirked up.

“I was going to say impatient,” Jihoon mumbled back. “But horny also covers it quite well.”

You opened your mouth to protest, but Jihoon didn’t mind the action. Instead he popped his thumb from between your lips and gave you a teasing look.

“Undress.”

You didn’t have to be told twice.

As Jihoon took a seat on the bench you pulled your shirt over your head and toed yourself right out of your shorts. You went to remove the rest of your clothes, but a click of disapproval from Jihoon made you pause and look over at him instead.

The look you received at such unwavering attention, sent even more heat through your body. He patted his spread legs and you wandered over to him, carefully positioning yourself in his lap, your hands on his shoulders.

“You are very obedient,” he murmured. You snorted.

“Not always,” you retorted. “I’m just in a good mood today.”

Jihoon hummed at your response, but you could tell he wasn’t really listening to you. He raised his hands to your sides and began to run his fingers along your soft skin. He started from just above your hips. Four of his fingers tracing up your ribs, to the elastic of your bra. His fingers stopped there and followed instead along the cloth of your fabric until he slipped his hands up under your bra.

He cupped your breasts in his hands, pushing your bra up your chest as he did so, giving you a small squeeze. A surprised moan left your lips- an action that made Jihoon’s eyes shot up to yours.

“Do that again,” he said, looking and sounding completely in awe. You rolled your eyes.

“Well, you have to give me-” Before you could finish Jihoon had smacked one of your breasts sharply.

You hissed out a moan, your fingers digging into Jihoon’s shoulders.

“Hey,” you murmured. “What makes you think that I’m into that?”

Jihoon shrugged, his fingers tracing around the breast that he had just smacked, smoothing it over with the pads of his fingers as if to soothe it.

“I just know,” he replied. “I mean am I wrong?”

You let out a disgruntled noise, not really wanting to admit to some guy you had just met that “you enjoyed how rough he was being with you. His other fingers squeezed the tit of your other breasts and he twisted it between his fingers making you whine.

“You’re not wrong,” You admitted. Jihoon hummed at you, but his eyes remained on his hands as they cupped your breasts again. He gave you another squeeze. “Satisfied?”

“Very,” he stated back. “Just wanted to hear you admit it.”

You squinted your eyes at him, and finally he raised his eyes back to yours. His lips had fallen into a thin line of concentration as he had messed with your breasts, but as he looked at you they slowly reformed a smile. His hands crept up your body, brushing past your collar bones and up to your neck, where he tightly wrapped his fingers around your throat.

His thumbs forced your chin up ever so slightly, and he gave you a small squeeze. You sucked in a shocked breath at the action, hating the way that your panties grew damper just at the touch.

“I like it when you tell me stuff like that,” he murmured. “Do you want me to take control? Use you?”

You didn’t waste a second this time.

“Fuck,” you murmured. “Yes, please.”

He leaned forward, his lips brushing yours.

“You want me to hurt you?” He asked.

You sucked in another sharp breath at the question. A question that you never thought anyone would ever ask you. You were so used to people treating you like glass- assuming that the slightest touch would break you.

So, having Jihoon treat you as if that weren’t so in the slightest was both surprising, and a huge turn on.

“Please hurt me,” you murmured back.

One of Jihoon’s hands loosened its grip around your neck and he dropped it down to your pussy. He slipped his fingers under your panties, and pressed a finger into your warm wet heat.

You let out a surprised gasp, prompting Jihoon to tighten his grip on your throat. You choked around his fingers and rolled your hips down on his hand. You thought he might be annoyed at that but instead his fingers loosened around you, and he pulled your face down closer to his.

“So, I’m guessing you already know that I’m planning on fucking you?” He asked you. You rolled your hips down on his hand again.

“And I’m guessing you already know that I’m highly encouraging such actions?”

You cheekily reached up, plucking Jihoon’s hat right from his head. He looked surprised by the action, but you didn’t mind. You put the hat on your head and smiled.

“You’re wearing too much,” you mumbled. He raised his eyebrows.

“I’m already mostly naked,” he murmured despite it not being even remotely true. He grabbed you loosely by your hips and pulled you closer to him. You nearly yelped at the action, worried that he would drop you, but luckily enough he had a good grip on you. “But I’ll admit, you look way better in that hat then I ever have.”

You smiled again, your tongue peeking out from between your teeth, but before you could say anything back to him, he was focused on your body once again. He reached behind your back and unhooked your bra. You let it fall off your arms and onto the floor before grabbing Jihoon’s shirt.

“Take your clothes off,” you insisted with a grumble. Jihoon didn’t complain as you pulled off his shirt and began to make quick work of his pants. Instead he watched in amusement as you climbed off of him to help work him free of the clothing.

Once his pants and boxers had finally fallen to the ground, Jihoon’s fingers loosely knotted themselves in your hair. He tightened his grip and pulled you roughly flush against his body. You gasped but didn’t complain as his cock poked against your leg.

“You’re a little whore,” he said observantly. It felt like it was a little random, but you didn’t mention that. Instead you smiled loosely and let your hand wrap around his cock.

“Maybe I am,” you admitted slyly. “And how do you treat little whores?”

“Just the way that they like to be treated.”

He pushed you down to your knees, gripping your hair tightly. He didn’t give yo ua single warning as he pushed his cock into your mouth. Didn’t even stop halfway so that you could get used to his girth. You splayed your hands over his waist, gagging around the cock hard.

But despite how hard you gagged he did nothing to pull you off of him- not that you signaled for him to do such a thing anyways. No the longer he held you on his cock, the more he triggered you to cough more saliva over his dick the more that you felt heat rushing to your center.

You were embarrassed to admit that already, just being used by this man was a turn on. Jihoon seemed to notice this and he laughed as he pulled you off his cock.

“Did that turn you on?” He teased you lightly. You tried to lean forward and put his cock back into your mouth- as a way to escape his question, but he caught you quickly, shaking his head slowly back and forth as he clicked his tongue.

“When I ask you a question, I expect an answer,” he growled. “When a stranger makes you choke on his cock on a baseball field, do you get turned on?”

You weren’t sure how it was possible that the question had gotten worse after being asked a second time, but you knew for a fact that it was worse.

“Okay, yes, I’m absolutely fucking drenched for you...” You trailed off, batting your eyelids innocently at Jihoon. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Jihoon hummed lightly.

“No... But I think it is what I wanted to feel.”

His fingers wandered down to your pussy, at first just teasing you by dancing around your clit, and your whole. He dipped his fingers between your folds and massaged you there for a moment, still somehow missing the spots you needed him to be at the most.

You grunted.

“You’re such a tease,” you mumbled. “Why don’t you just get to fucking me?”

“Be patient,” Jihoon shushed. “It’s my first time being between your legs- maybe my last. I have to treasure this moment.”

His eyes focused in on your wet pussy, his thumb pulling a side one of the folds further down, probably so that he could see your hole better.

“And your pussy... It truly is gorgeous. You’re already so wet and creamy for me and I have hardly even touched you... How long has it been since you last had sex with someone?” He asked. Then he paused, his head tilting to the side. “No- Actually let’s not talk about that. Let’s just focus on-”

He leaned forward, and finally his warm tongue met your pussy. You whined as he licked a long strip, and he too moaned.

“You taste almost as gorgeous as you sound,” he mumbled softly. You wanted to give him a sarcastic response but before you managed it he had wrapped his arms tightly around your legs bringing you so close to him, that his nose bumped your clit- and he was eating you out.

You had pretty much never been eaten out before.

Especially not by someone who was so good with their tongue. You felt your fingers bury themselves in Jihoon’s long strand, tugging on them hard as he pushed his tongue into your pussy, his moans vibrating against you in a way that was nearly overbearing.

You kept thinking that soon enough his little “pregame” would pass and he would want you back on his cock again, but to your surprise no such thing came.

Instead, one of his fingers lowered to your pussy, probing at your entrance.

At first it seemed like he didn’t think it would fit. Pushing the tip in and then pulling it out a moment later to get some wetness. But he soon seemed to decide that his hesitations were all unworth it. He pushed his finger deep into you alongside his tongue. The digit made you feel incredible. An action you couldn’t believe made you moan the way that it did.

You had never been so completely desperate for another person before in your life. Your thighs trembled as he worked his finger in and out of you, and you resisted the urge to pull on Jihoon’s hair hard enoguh to make him stop.

Cause holy hell, you did not want him to stop. “I need more,” you mumbled between your pants. Jihoon chuckled and the vibrations made you bite out a loud moan.

“You want more?” Jihoon asked teasingly. He slid a second finger into your dripping pussy, and smiled mischeaviously up at you from between your legs. You whined, your hips wiggling at the feeling of his fingers sliding in and out of you. God, he knew that wasn’t what you wanted. You wanted... No you didn’t just want his cock. You needed his cock.

You needed to have Jihoon’s body close to you, you needed to have his cock deep inside of you. You wanted to feel him pound you and treat you like a real whore.

You tugged at Jihoon’s hair, a frustrated expression surely on your face.

“Jihoon-”

“Oh even more then that?” He asked you. He slid a third finger into your pussy and you literaally had to arch your back you felt so close to cumming. Your toes curled and you leaned forward, your fingers tightening in a way you knew that you shouldn’t. You pulled his head up to you and met his eyes.

“Jihoon I need you to fuck me, and I need you to fuck me now.”

Jihoon’s eyes turned dark, and his fingers pulled out of your pussy. You knew immediately that you had made a mistake when you felt him tighten his grip on your hip. You closed your mouth as Jihoon raised his fingers to your lips.

“Open back up you whore, and clean these off for me,” he instructed. You were quick to open your mouth for him, waiting patiently as he slid his fingers into your mouth. You began to lick his fingers clean, moaning as you tasted yourself on his fingers.

“Now, do you think it’s very good behavior to pull my hair and tell me what to do?” He asked, his voice dark. A shiver ran down your spine.

“No,” you breathed.

He nodded slowly.

“So, you were just bad on purpose?”

Your face flamed red, and you opened your mouth, stammering to come up with an answer.

“Not a very good slut are you?” Jihoon asked. He pushed you back on the bench, his hand slapping your thigh sharply so that you would open your legs further. Then his fingers wrapped around your waist, his fingers digging into your side. “You’re desperate, and impatient.”

He leaned down, his lips brushing against your ear.

“I love that about you.”

You screamed as Jihoon thrust his cock into you in one hard thrust. It sent a sharp feeling of pain through your body, but the pain was quickly clouded by the immense pleasure of having Jihoon inside of you.

Jihoon’s eyes rose to you, his smile was downright devious.

“Does that satisfy your needs?” He asked you. You opened your mouth to respond, but before you could get an answer out Jihoon slid himself out of you and thrusted hard back into you. You found yourself only capable of panting and squirming as Jihoon fucked you so hard that the entire bench was squeaking under the pressure.

You threw your arms over Jihoon’s body, tugging yourself closer to him. The feeling of his skin against yours was nearly intoxicating. It made you wish that you could hold him even closer. You wanted so badly to be this close to Jihoon forever.

He thrust hard into you again, making you yelp aloud in surprise. You felt your fingernails digging into Jihoon’s back, which made him grunt out in pleasure.

“F-fuck, please, I need m-more,” you moaned out. Jihoon chuckled.

“God, you little whore, are you really that turned on being fucked in a dugout by a stranger,” Jihoon grunted out. You whined at the names and wrapped your legs around Jihoon’s waist.

“Flip me, I want to ride you,” you murmured. Jihoon didn’t have to be asked twice.

Once you two were situated you wrapped your legs more tightly around Jihoon’s chest, whining at the way his cock sunk deeper inside of you at that angle. You placed your hands on his shoulders and began to slowly lift yourself up on his cock, and then lower yourself back down on it.

Jihoon’s fingers dug deep into your hips, his grip on you so tight that it made you wonder if you were really the one that was in control of your pace at the moment.

You began to quicken your speed, lifting yourself faster and faster, listening to the sound of your thighs slap against his. Jihoon slapped your ass as you fucked yourself, his lips attaching to your neck as he whispered obscenities to you between leaving kisses on your neck.

“Pl-Please don’t leave any marks,” you hissed as he nipped at you near your collarbone. “Jeonghan will kill-”

Before you could finish the sentence Jihoon had flipped you two back over, throwing you back down on the bench so hard you thought for sure you were going to bruise. He pushed his ockc back in your body and began to furiously fuck you again, his pace so fast that you were shocked that you were still feeling so much overwhelming pleasure.

“Ji-Jiho-”

“Talk about a man again while I’m fucking you,” Jihoon warned. As he spoke he lowered his hand down to your cunt, his fingers finding your clit. He pressed down on it and began to frantically rub at it- somehow matching the pace of his own thrusts.

You cried out in pleasure and once again wrapped your arms around him.

“Pl-please Jihoon, c-cum,” you blurted out, not even caring about how angry Jihoon had gotten simply at the mention of Jeonghan’s name. You could feel pleasure coiling in your gut, you were too close to cumming to care about anything but your own explosive pleasure. You needed to cum, and you needed to cum now.

“Inside, cum inside me, I’m on the pill it’s okay just please-”

And before you had even finished talking Jihoon began to cum spurts into you. In seconds you were cumming undone, each thrust of his making you feel like you were starting your orgasm all over again, you felt so good. Your fingers dug into Jihoon’s arms as he fucked you almost relentlessly until he finally bottomed out inside of you, his chest heaving.

“That is a good little slut,” he praised.

He sat there for a few moments, just taking the time to catch his breath. He was sweating pretty hard- not that you were surprised by that revelation at all. Finally, Jihoon pulled out of you, humming softly as he watched his own cum dribbling out from your used cunt.

“I shouldn’t have come inside of you,” he mumbled softly.

“Yeah, you shouldn’t have,” you agreed. “But I wanted it so bad, and it felt-” You leaned forward, your lips brushing against Jihoons. “So good.”

Jihoon groaned, and pulled away from you.

“I don’t have time to fuck you again before the game,” Jihoon mumbled as he began to redress. You pouted.

“What so you’re just gonna use me like some kind of cum dumpster and leave?”

Jihoon snickered.

“Yep.”

You rolled up and grabbed your bra, instinctively turning away from Jihoon as you began to get dressed. You looked back over your shoulder at him and smiled.

“Damn, you really are a dream aren’t you?” You asked, your tongue between your teeth. Jihoon snickered and slid his shirt over his head.

“So, are you still going to the game?” He asked you. You shrugged.

“My friend will kill me if I don’t go,” you replied. He hummed, and replaced his hat over his head.

“Well I have to get back to the field, just... Promise me one thing,” he asked. You turned to him as you pulled your own shirt over your head.

“Yeah?”

“Root for me, won’t you?”

And then without another word he turned and left you alone.

“Where’ve you been?” Jeonghan asked you. “I was starting to get worried.”

You scoffed and held up the lollipop that Jihoon had given you as a parting gift. You could hear his words still echoing through your mind. “Root for me won’t you?” Root for him. A strange way to word it.

“Got sidetracked,” you replied briefly, waving the lollipop through the air and tipping your baseball cap pointedly. He hummed, giving you a slight narrowing of the eyebrows before gesturing down towards the field.

“Well you are lucky. The team is just now coming out.”

You didn’t bother looking down, you didn’t care to see the boys after all. There was a certain sort of euphoria running through your body. A certain excitement at what you had just gotten away with. At the idea of Lee Jihoon.

Oh, how you already missed him. His hands on you, that stupid mischievous smirk. You had never felt yourself so infatuated with someone so quickly and yet… Jihoon, you missed Jihoon.

You heard the crowd cheering as the baseball team came running on and you leaned back, looking at the candy in your hand. It was so sweet, you quite enjoyed the taste.

You looked up finally, and you noticed one of the boys on the field scanning the audience. Everyone else had begun to do their stretches and prepare for the game but one boy, shorter than the rest was looking up. You two made eye contact, and he smiled, and ruffled his hair with his hand putting a little and making a big show of the way that the sun was beaming down on him. You tried not to laugh at the look spread over his face.

Jihoon was on the other team’s baseball team.

“Strange.”

You jumped and glanced over at Jeonghan, your eyebrows raised high.

“What? What’s strange?” You blurted. He didn’t laugh, just stared in confusion at the field.

“It almost looks like Lee Jihoon is looking at you,” he mumbled. “But that’d be crazy.”

“Lee Jihoon?” You questioned, keeping a straight face. “Who?”

“He is famous at Pledis Academy. Short in stature, but scarier than anyone else there. They say that those who double cross him have died. That his father is a mob boss, and that messing with him or anyone in his life is a fate worse than sin,” Jeonghan recounted. The way he said it sent a shiver down your spine and you looked back down at the field. Jihoon was still staring at you, a knowing expression on his face.

“Is that really true?” You asked him, your voice a hushed whisper, afraid to even glance away from Jihoon.

“That’s what they say,” Jeonghan responded. “Being under Jihoon’s radar has to be a death sentence.”

You supposed that when you had seen Jihoon, something in you had known that he was dangerous. You could remember the way he held onto you, how he spoke to you, the way he looked at you. And yet, even knowing that he was potentially dangerous you didn’t care.

Being with Jihoon had been fun, and you could tell that while he may want to hurt you in some ways, it was only the ways that you wanted to be hurt by him.

You wiggled in your seat, and raised your hand to Jihoon in greeting from across the field. Lucky for you, Jeonghan didn’t notice. Jihoon smiled and raised his hand back and then turned to one of his teammates. Jeonghan shook his head in disbelief.

“You’re going to be careful right? It really seems like Jihoon is looking at you.”

You shrugged.

“I’ll be careful, but I doubt there is anything to worry about.”

#Woozi AU #Baseball Player Woozi #Lee Jihoon #lee jihoon seventeen #Lee Jihoon Smut #Woozi Smut #Woozi Fanfiction #Woozi Fanfic #Lee Jihoon Fanfiction #Lee Jihoon Fanfic #Seventeen Smut #Seventeen Fanfiction #Seventeen Fanfic

298 notes · View notes

beyondspaceandstars · 3 years

Text

While You Sleep

Chapter 1

Relationship: Bucky Barnes x Reader Warnings: angst, mention of violence Summary: Soulmate!AU - Throughout life, you're given glimpses of your soulmate through dreams. As you sleep, memories flash in your mind showing you the life your soulmate has lived. Everyone around you raves about how their soulmate reads great books or volunteers in their spare time. But you can't relate as your dreams end up being more like nightmares. Through initial images of death and violence, you come to learn your soulmate is the Winter Soldier. A/N: I had this idea one day and initially it was just gonna be a one shot but then i said screw it. i’ve never really done a full chapter story/series so...? Here I go? I’ve written most in advanced so I know I actually have some sense of where this is going and tbh i think it’s gonna be interesting but i love soulmate!au anyways :)

masterlist | taglist | read on ao3

The nightmares always felt the same.

In your mind, clear glimpses revealed him - the brooding, long-haired man. He typically wore a mask and that same unforgiving yet disconnected look in his eyes. A metal arm would glimmer every now and then and you’d quickly find him wielding guns or twirling knives. The most uncomfortable acts were those of when he’d use just his hands.

You didn’t really know the people he was affecting. Some looked important, some seemed like casualties to whatever bigger fight was being played at, but they all came in quick glimpses. Part of you felt that he didn’t care enough to remember them. He had no connection, just a goal. There was always more of a focus on what he was doing and making sure it was done. You could tell that was what he was feeling, what he was seeing, and frankly, it was of the disturbing kind.

You had grown up hearing friends and family gush about all the wonderful, fascinating soulmate dreams -- because that was what they were supposed to be: dreams. Lovely, lullaby dreams showing one the life their soulmate was living. Giving the other a glimpse at their feelings, their adventures. Hopefully making you want your person.

Your parents loved reminiscing about how they saw each other playing with friends as kids or volunteering at shelters in college. Your friends had been equally fascinated, constantly gossiping about what books their soulmates had read or how their eyes would light up when they played with their dogs.

But you weren’t getting that. Instead of seeing your soulmate read their favorite book, you watched him take down what felt like an army of people. You saw him marching on command as if just a machine.

Part of you thought you were broken. Why were you only getting to see the bad things? Was there nothing good about your person? Had they lived for nothing other than these missions?

It was a weird combination, what you felt towards him. To say you weren’t at least intrigued would be a lie because, at the end of the day, this man was your soulmate. No matter how unnerving or confusing it was, you two were paired. While you didn’t know if he actually knew it, you felt it. You felt the pull in every knife flip. In every stab. In every mission. In every accomplishment.

Even time he was forced to go dormant -- because, yes, you could see the ice. You could see the shocks.

Your soulmate dreams were nightmares. And they ached and pulled at you.

***

You were already awake when sunlight began seeping into your room. This wasn’t a new occurrence -- the sun and you seemed to like to play a game to see who would rise first... You, it was always you lately.

The dreams were distorted memories last night. You didn’t see it all like it was interrupted, but you could tell it appeared to be a past memory. There was just something about the intensity visually this time that was weaker. It was less fresh than previous ones but still held feelings, strength. It was a confusing phenomenon, an old thought transmitting between the soulmate lines, but wasn’t unusual for you by any means.

Sometimes you received memories from your soulmate that dated back to the 70s, sometimes 60s. Things he had seen that weren't even from your decade which raised so many more alarms. It prevented you from getting any sort of age range. Sometimes people received memories their soulmates had learned of, like hearing a story of a wedding and depicting it, but they never lasted. Usually they were one-off casualties but these you had persisted. They had to be from him.

While confusing beyond all means, something you never could think about discussing with others, it gave you a little hope that maybe, just maybe, things had…stopped. Whatever rampage or mission your soulmate was on (had been put on?) was finished. Especially being a memory that came from just a few years ago. For once, maybe there weren't new nightmares for your soulmate to produce.

But you couldn’t get your hopes up. They could be right back at it tonight so you couldn’t allow yourself to ponder it no matter how much it all bugged you. You force yourself to get up and on with the day. Rising as you had watched the sun do so.

You pulled yourself out of bed choosing to ignore the sleep-deprived headache threatening to creep up. Shuffling around your bedroom, you collected your work uniform wherever you had really tossed it throughout the space.

Once dressed for the day, you moved on to making yourself presentable to actually get on with work. While you only just worked in a coffee shop -- not exactly the epitome of luxury -- tips were key and people liked their barista to actually look alive.

You finally got out of the door just moments later, homemade bagel sandwich in tow, all complemented by the fakest, brightest smile you could muster as you made your way down the city sidewalk.

You quite enjoyed the work commute, being able to weave in and out of the people, your mind instinctively wondering if he was here. Was he milling around? Hiding in the shadows? Planning something here or there? What to do next?

You figured most likely not, but you still looked even if the idea of him was enough to make you shake in your boots. Besides, you didn’t even totally know what you were looking for. The eyes and hair only revealed so much. The glimmer of his hand, though, that sure was unique. You could still see it in flashes throughout your mind.

So, you harmlessly let your eyes wander on the street. Checking over the faces, the posture, the appearances of them all but none of them could tug on that part of your heart. Granted, it was sort of ridiculous. Your soulmate had been proven to maybe not be the kindest person in the universe but something had to happen if the two of you were paired. And you were just the right amount of daring to see it through.

You finally made it to the coffee shop after your leisure browsing of the city people all bustling, brain set on getting one place or another. They were just exhausting to even look at.

The bell above the door jingled as you entered. The shop was mere minutes from opening and your coworker was already setting up, nearly ready to bring in the morning rush. She greeted you with a weak, tired smile. You responded with one of your own. Seamlessly, you two fell into it all, moving in silence. Prepping, brewing, cleaning.

Work was going much smoother than normal for the day. You seemed to fall into your tasks with ease as you served the morning crowd. You had your normals’ orders memorized and the new customers wooed at your speediness. Tips were coming in nicely as well, you noted. You and your coworker worked together, as if in a tango behind the counter.

The day seemed that it would continue on just as smoothly as the morning had. Things started to taper off nicely around the afternoon. The shop was mostly filled with college students in between their lectures. They nursed their coffees as they typed away so determined with their homework.

You and your coworker took the brief moment to lull around. She was aimlessly sweeping by the sugars while you cleaned the same spot over and over again on the counter as you watched the television in the corner.

The owner had put in the TV a while ago citing it drummed up service but you never actually found proof of that. Instead, it sat high up on the wall, above the windows, muted at all hours. He at least allowed the closed captioning to be on which was what you were reading as you pretended to clean.

Some midday news program was on. A graphic flashed signaling that they were going into one of their “investigative reports.” You stopped your movements with the rag as you watched the news graphic transition to a portrait picture of a man from the waist up. He...

Something made your stomach drop. Your heart twisted in familiarity while your brain sounded the alarm. Those eyes. That arm. You could feel all of it practically radiating from the television. Letting go of the towel, you let out a gasp at the true shock when it suddenly clicked in your head.

Everything slowed down around you. Customers began staring, concerned. Your coworker was calling your name, asking what was wrong. But you couldn’t do anything. Your eyes were glued to the television. Something crushed in you as it began adding up.

Eyes. Arm. Feelings. Emotions. Eyes. Arm. Feelings. Missions. Scene after scene, you went over everything that had been stored -- forced -- unconventionally in your head.

You read the name on the closed captioning followed by his title. Who he was, what he was.

It fell into place. All of it. It was him, yes. The dreams -- no, no. The nightmares. Your word repeated it over and over again. Him. All him. James Buchanan Barnes. The Winter Soldier.

291 notes · View notes

redrobin-detective · 3 years

Text

Just one single glimpse of relief

TW: OC death, death themes

“Hey,” Sydnee looked up at the sound of the voice. It was familiar, safe, and it stopped her tears for a moment. She can’t remember where she was or what she’d been doing. All she knew was that she was scared and upset and didn’t know what to do. It felt like she’d been crying forever when the voice appeared. “Hey there, it’s Phantom. Can I come closer?”

Sydnee gasped as the town hero, Phantom, approached her slowly. Syd was a bit of a nerd and she couldn’t get enough of those superhero movies. She always tuned in to Phantom’s fights on TV; he was as close as she’d get to a real life Superman or Captain Marvel. She’d never seen him up close before though. He was younger than he appeared on TV, not more than his early teens. Sydnee, almost 24, was hit by a wave of mortification over how they’d described the hunky, we-thought-he-was-older kid on Margarita Night. This day just got better and better, not that she remembered it.

“How are you doing?” Phantom asked quietly, floating near her but not getting too close. He was watching her warily but not unkindly. She saw how some folks treated him, he was probably worried she’d throw a shoe at him. “What’s your name?”

“Sydnee, with an extra e not a y. Uh Tanner, Sydnee Tanner,” she mumbled. Ugh why were words so hard. Her head felt fuzzy and very far away, she thinks she was going to start panicking again. What was she even so upset about? “I don’t know what’s going on. Where are we and what happened. I don’t- I don’t remember anything.”

“It’s okay,” he said soothingly, floating a little closer. The soft glow he emitted brightened up the dark place they were in. Was she in a collapsed tunnel? What had she been doing here? She’d never been claustrophobic but the debris and rubble of the place seemed to close in on her. “Hey, hey, just look at me.” She turned and met his kind eyes, soft and easy. “We’ll walk through it together. What is the last thing you remember?”

“I was late to work,” Syd said, the memory popping up before her. “I um work at the Donut Delights bakery in that strip mall next to the middle school. My cats had knocked over some of my houseplants in the night so I had to clean them up and was running behind. I open the store on Wednesdays - oh it’s Wednesday! - so I knew I’d be in trouble. But I made it, just barely. I was starting up the ovens when.” Syd furrowed her brow and took in the hero before her. The one who was almost never seen outside a fight. “There was a ghost attack, wasn’t there?”

“Welcome to Amity Park,” Phantom said grimly. “I’ve been here a couple times; the jalapeno bacon topped donuts are my favorite. My mom and sister buy them sometimes if they want to bribe me into doing something.”

“You weirdo, only crazy people eat that weird flavor,” Sydnee chuckled. “You have a family?”

“Of course, we all have a family out there somewhere. What about you?” He asked gently. There was something about the soft way he was talking to her, the way his eyes flickered around the dark like he was looking for something. He had news he didn’t want to tell her and she wasn’t ready to hear it. Not yet. Just a few more minutes of denial before she faced the revelation she couldn’t bear to touch yet.

“Yeah, mom and dad and two younger sibs. Folks divorced forever ago, I barely remember them actually being together. Mom is is living it up in Dubai working as a pastry chef in one of their fancy hotels. Dad’s an auto-mechanic down on Maple street, Duke’s Car Services. Pretty sure you got tossed through the window a year ago.”

“I’ve been tossed through many windows but I know the place you’re talking about. So a big family, any friends? Boyfriends? Girlfriends?”

“I have a boyfriend,” she continued on hastily, taking the distraction for what it was. “I like him, a lot and we’ve been dating since high school. Everyone says I should marry him and we’ve talked about it, casually, but I’ve never dated anyone else and wonder if I should see other people first. You know, test the waters before I settle down with my high school sweetheart like my folks did and look how they turned out.”

“Mhmm,” Phantom hummed nodding, encouraging her to continue.

“DeShawn is great though, he’s very supportive and sweet in his own kind of absentminded way. He’s got epilepsy real bad though, I have to drive him everywhere since he’s always at risk of a seizure. Annoying sometimes but its nice, you can learn a lot about a person from a conversation while you’re alone together.”

“Very true, I’m learning a lot now,” Phantom smiled. “What about your siblings?”

“I have a brother and a sister, Kennedy is finishing his sophomore year of college and Janelle will be a senior in high school. She was a surprise baby, one last attempt of my parents to reconcile before the big D. It didn’t help but I got a great sister out of it, she’s a real firecracker.”

“Janelle,” Phantom’s eyes lit up. “She’s the one always dying her hair. I see her in the hallways of Casper, she’s hard to miss. I think she draws too, she won an art award I think.”

“Yeah!” Sydnee said enthusiastically, she reached out and grabbed ahold of Phantom’s arm. It was cold but solid. It reminded her that she really couldn’t feel anything, nothing but him. “Yeah, I swear her hair is a new color every time I see her. It’s a dark purple now, it looks pretty good on her. She was a peachy orange for picture day last year. Mom called her up screaming when she saw the photos.”

“I thought it looked cool,” Phantom grinned, “not that I was there for picture day. Ghost attack, you know. My mom was upset with me too.” They laughed lightly for a minute before it gently petered off leaving them alone in the dark. Sydnee didn’t have any feeling in her toes, in any part of her. She felt light and disconnected and all over out of sorts. She was pretty sure she knew what had happened but she couldn’t face it yet. But talking to Phantom, it seemed a little easier.

“I remember the attack now,” Sydnee stated quietly. “It was a big ghost bear only it was the size of a pickup truck. It rammed into the store there was chaos and screaming. It was so loud, the screaming of the customers, the bear, building coming down on top of us...” her lips wobbled. “We’re still in the store, aren’t we? I haven’t wanted to turn around because... because I know my body is buried underneath the concrete back there.”

“Yeah,” Phantom breathed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t get here in time. Most everyone in the area got out but you and a few others in the store got trapped under the rubble. Mrs. McDaniels who lived on Eustis street and was the first woman in her family to go to college plus Eddie Drake who came down from Chicago to check out the ghost stuff with their boyfriend and was a tattoo artist.”

“Did you talk to them too?” She questioned in surprise.

“Briefly, Mrs. McDaniels didn’t stay long, just long enough to tell me, and I quote, “stop wasting time on her dead ass and get to the others.” She already passed on. Eddie, they didn’t take it well. We talked for a while and I think they need a little more time to accept it, see their loved ones first. I warned them that the longer they delay death, the harder it is and the more you lose yourself. You’re the last, all the way in the back of the store. When you’re ready, I’m going to bring your body out.”

“Thank you,” she whispered before breaking out into hysterical laughter. “God I bet I’m a wreck, I think I put my shirt on inside out I was in such a rush this morning,” she sniffled. “What do I do now, as a ghost? I don’t have to, like, attack people, do I?”

“No,” Phantom sighed. “Most ghosts are just normal people, no one else but other ghosts will see you and you’re not going to be strong enough to interact with the real world for a long, long time. You can stick around a bit if you want, watch over your family but it’s like I told Eddie, you forget things pretty quick. Or you can move on, that part I can’t help you with but I’ve helped a lot of others go that route and I’m told it’s easy.”

“Easy, then why haven’t you?” She questioned angrily, the full weight of the situation crashing over her. She shoved him and he floated back passively. “I’m a freaking ghost and you’re here talking to me like you’re my therapist or something. Who’s gonna take DeShawn to his appointments? Or praise my sister’s creative messes? Or badger Ken into picking major? My life is over and you think you can float there and lecture me about it being easy to move on!”

“I didn’t mean it that way,” Phantom soothed, scratching at the back of his neck. “I’m so sorry Sydnee, I wish I could turn back the clock an hour, two hours, and prevent this from happening but I can’t. I’ve tried to mess with time and it doesn’t end well for anyone. I just want, I just want what’s best for you now. You can stay or you can go but I want you to make the decision that you feel most comfortable with. That’s all I can do for you.”

“I think I’d be sad,” she said, crying again, “being able to see everyone but not talk to them, to watch them cry over me. I don’t want to forget them either.” Phantom watched her, easily and earnestly. “What made you choose to stay? Why didn’t you go?”

“I’m a little complicated but I can tell you, when I’ve done all I need to here, I’m not hanging around a second longer than I have to. Being a ghost has it’s perks but it’s also, it’s being stuck in a place you longer fit, watching the world go on without you.”

“Okay,” Syd hiccupped. “Okay, yeah okay.”

“Okay,” Phantom nodded. “Do you want me to leave?”

“No, please don’t,” she grabbed his hands again. “Please I don’t, I know I died alone but I don’t want to do... this alone. Please stay, ugh, calling you Phantom is weird sorry.”

“I don’t know if it’s any less weird but you can call me Danny,” Phantom, Danny, laughed. It was an ordinary name for a superhero but it fit. There was a special thrill in knowing the ghost boy’s name but it’s not like she was going to be around to tell anyone. It was scary, to think of not existing but also sort of comforting, like a long nap with nothing pressing to get up for.

“Can you tell them that I love them, in my place? I know it’s a lot and I’m sure you’re super busy saving the town and everything-”

"It’s not a problem. I’m sure they know but I’ll be happy to pass on the message,” he smiled and it made him look so young. For a second she was struck by how sad it was that she was relying on a kid a decade younger than her for support. But he was here and he was kind and he was what she needed right now. Maybe one day, he’d have his own person talking him through this last step.

“Okay, Danny, thanks really. For talking, for staying. I’m scared but I, I think I’m ready.” She closed her eyes and squeezed his hands tightly. “Do you, will it hurt?”

“No,” he said, his voice warm despite his inherent chill. “No, Sydnee. No, the hurting is all over now. All you have left ahead of you is peace. Thank you for all that did, you’ll be missed.”

“I’ll see you on the other side. Goodbye.” The world faded to a pinprick, consumed by light. The last thing she saw before she went into it was a stranger’s smile.

XxX

“Here’s the last,” Phantom said solemnly, delicately setting a broken body he’d carried out of the dilapidated building and on the sidewalk next to the others. “This is Sydnee Tanner, she was the only employee in the store at the time. She has cats at home who will need taking care of. Her dad works at Duke’s Car Services along with siblings and a boyfriend.”

“Don’t know how you know all that but thanks for getting these folks out,” Sheriff Newton sighed. “Damn shame. Keep up the good work kid, we’ll save the next ones for sure. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some rather unhappy news to break to several people.”

“Do you mind if I tag along? I have a few messages I need to pass on.”

#danny phantom #me: makes up a random OC for the sake of the story #also me: oh my gawd sydney oh my goodd im so sorry baby Im sorry #the exciting continuation of Robin gets weirdly existential and peaceful about death #just the image of Danny saving the living then going on to talk to and help the dead he couldnt save move on #it fucking gets me okay?#he really is the bridge hero for the living and the dead alike #i love him so fucking much #well now Im emo for the rest of forever #title from Taylor Swifts epiphany #amazing a story title that DOESNT come from the 18-19th century death poem #i must be mad #Im reading it over again and its like way longer than it needs to be bc I kept adding more and more to sydnees story

171 notes · View notes

blackradandmad · 3 years

Text

why blippi is rotting yr children's brains

preface: i literally expect no one to read this. it is an essay length, strong opinion piece critiquing a niche youtube-based children's show that i don't expect most of y'all to even have knowledge of lol. but like, i promise that even if you know nothing about what i'm talking about, in my incredibly, super humble opinion, it's a good piece of writing and interesting nonetheless. anyway if you read this whole thing for some reason yr really hot and we should kiss.

i thoroughly vet everything my child watches before he watches it, episode by episode. and we rarely watch youtube for entertainment; we usually just look up educational videos when he has a question about something and wants more detail than i can provide him. and that's mainly because children's content on youtube is so fucking troubling and distressing. i don't judge parents who give their children a tablet at a restaurant at all bc i've been there and sometimes it's easier on everyone to just put on a video and avoid a giant scene, but i do judge parents who just leave their children alone with youtube kids on autoplay.

take stevin john, a literal millionaire who got famous from dressing up as a silly character called blippi and going on tours of places like aquariums, zoos, construction sites, etc and posting it on youtube. this has branched into a whole empire of blippi videos, hulu shows and specials, live shows and tours (that he outsources to another character actor), merchandise and so on. this 30-something year old man cites his main influence as being mr. rogers, but i question if he's ever even seen an episode of that program.

mr. rogers had no background in early childhood development or media production, but he revolutionized the world of children's media, because he respected his audience and didn't shy away from real world situations, all while creating a show with an enormous heart. mr. rogers begins his episodes by inviting the viewer in, literally changing his attire to be more comfortable, and talking about/doing things he genuinely cares about. whereas mr. rogers calmly and maturely addresses the viewer, blippi puts on a high pitched, contrived voice, interjecting every other sentence with a forced exclamation such as, "teehee! we're having so much fun!"

i don't find it a coincidence that john (blippi) is a veteran, either. his videos are completely devoid of the absurd, abstract, childlike thinking that makes children's media fun, creative, and entertaining. his thinking and process is methodical, devoid of emotion, and very superficial. this line of thinking clearly shows the kind of creative sterilization and emphasis on sameness and conformity instilled in the military. blippi simply observes things and interacts with them in a stale, matter-of-fact way. "this ball is purple! this ball is pink! anyway... what's over there? teehee! a car! vroom, vroom!" objects are colors, toy cars don't do anything but drive, curiosity is simply not encouraged.

he uses the "it's educational!" excuse to hide the fact that his show lacks everything that makes media a valuable resource for children to consume in the first place. further than identifying colors, numbers, and the occasional letter or shape, there is just this total lack of children's need for social and emotional development. when mr. rogers breaks the fourth wall to address the viewer and let them know they're special, it feels authentic and natural, because we've spent the last half hour building whole worlds with diverse characters and unique stories in a pretend neighborhood, learning about and enjoying different musical instruments, being exposed to and making friends with (even if parasocially, it is still a real bond to children when done properly) children who are similar to us in character regardless of physical or environmental differences, feeding the fish, making art together, and so on. when blippi tells the viewer, "you are very special, and i enjoy spending time with you!" it falls completely flat and feels unearned, because the last half hour was spent running around a soft play center pointing at bright, colorful objects, visiting interesting locations like farms or fruit production factories while failing to acknowledge the humanity of the humans actually working there (everything is machine or product focused; the human workers are simply an extension of the machine), learning "fun facts" about elephants that just list attributes of elephants, not taking the opportunity to inform the viewers of elephants' intelligence, or diet, or matriarchal society. it is a loud, sensory overwhelming display of a man so disconnected from the social and emotional needs and desires of children that he assumes they're stupid, easily entertained idiots who only need some silly dances and fast-moving cartoon graphics to give their attention (meaning time and desire to purchase products meaning $$$). john clearly views his audience as a means to gaming the algorithm and ultimately a paycheck by the hollow way he addresses them.

the show is so narcissistic, so focused on all the fun blippi is supposedly having, but he lacks any of the character traits that make individual children's show hosts memorable, so much so that he was able to have someone else who doesn't even vaguely resemble him dress as blippi and impersonate him and host the show or appear at live shows, and it went unnoticed by most of his toddler and child audience. the show is so formulaic and the character of blippi is so unmemorable that instead of taking the blue's clues route of developing a story of the host leaving for college and his brother now stepping in, or making some sort of believable excuse for the change in actors, they can simply swap him out with some random guy and not acknowledge it at all. although a comedy show for older children, the amanda show in no way could or would try to replicate the show with the same name but swapping out amanda bynes with a random teenage girl who is clearly not amanda bynes. it's weird and nonsensical and shows that his character is so much of a farce put on for a paycheck that not even his dedicated audience is affected or even cares when he is replaced by a random, unknown person.

this is completely garbage content made by an opportunist with no experience with children who saw his nephew watching children's youtube content, took it at complete surface level and still hasn't realized that while children's content only looks and feels so easy, entertaining, and enriching because it is so hard to do well. even with outsourcing his music, that aspect of the show still sucks. famous and successful children's musician, raffi, is known for his song describing the life of a little white whale, called "baby beluga." it opens with a calm strumming of his guitar, followed by the lyrics, "baby beluga in the deep blue sea/swim so wild and you swim so free/heaven above/sea below/and a little white whale on the go." is it silly and kind of pointless? yes, but the point is that he is captivating children and showing them the fun of listening to music, dancing, singing, and appreciating art. the "excavator song" featured in an episode of blippi about construction vehicles opens with what sounds like a default garageband loop and the flatly sung lyrics, "i'm an excavator/i'm an excavator/hey dirt, see you later/i'm an excavator." i don't feel i have to meticulously analyze the aforementioned lyrics; the stark contrast should speak for itself.

i have a million more criticisms about both blippi specifically and youtube children's content as a whole, but this is already so long and i doubt many people will get this far anyway. it's an issue i was completely apathetic towards until i had my own child and had to wean him off these kinds of junk food shows because i realized the fast-paced visuals and bright colors and repetitive songs/lyrics were putting him in this spaced-out, fugue state, and he thought he could demand this show or that show whenever he wanted. the moment he started regularly yelling things like, "watch! cars!" or "no! click it!" i knew i had to be a lot more invested in the things he watched even if just for entertainment or as a soothing message. i showed him an episode of mr. rogers yesterday and feared it would be too slow to hold his attention, but he was mesmerized, greeting and interacting with mr. rogers verbally, asking me, "what's that?" to different objects on the screen. since purging this low-brow children's entertainment, he has had a noticeable increase in attention span and concentration, can focus on a task for longer amounts of times, is more likely to "read"/look through books without me initiating it, and doesn't throw a fit when the tv/my laptop is off.

i just know that for me, growing up with so much unsupervised internet access definitely led me to real-world pain and consequences, and it seems like now children are born with an iphone as an extension of their arm. if my child is going to be consuming videos, i'm definitely supervising every second and am going to be highly critical of the videos and the credentials (or lack thereof) of the creators and team behind it. but i also know, from pure observation admittedly, that parents letting youtube kids autoplay parent their children for hours at a time is not an uncommon occurrence. and it worries me that a generation of children are being raised on videos that rely on being as loud and bright and superficially enjoyable as possible. what's the use of a child knowing their colors and alphabet if they don't know how to treat people with kindness and empathy and respect? there is something wrong for a children's show host to plug the spelling of his name at the end of his videos ("well, that's the end of this video. but if you wanna watch more of my videos, just type in my name! can you spell my name with me? b-l-i-p-p-i!") after essentially rotting his audiences' brains for a half hour. there's something so insidious about the prioritization of naming different parts of construction vehicles over honest depictions of and conversations about dealing with feelings, or why someone with autism may act differently than you, or what to do when you feel lonely, or ways to make art and express yrself creatively. also, not to mention the blatant police propaganda and outright worship is seriously jarring; as a black mother to a visibly non-white child, i cannot sit there and watch blippi show kids how to be a bootlicker for the shittiest profession on earth, but that could be a whole essay in and of itself.

anyway, thanks for reading, if yr looking for quality children's content, i recommend, in no specific order: mr. rogers, sesame street, the electric company, molly of denali, daniel tiger, bluey!, blue's clues, the odd squad, word party, trash truck, puffin rock, uhh... that's definitely not an extensive list but that's just off the dome!!! ok bye y'all <333

#lil rambles #long post t #idk why it's formatted like this ig cos i copy pasted from my fb?#whatever anyway idk why i waste my writing skills on shit literally nobody else but me cares abt #blippi #children's television

52 notes · View notes

ms-demeanor · 4 years

Text

Stressed Computer Anon:

Hi friend!

You’ve actually given me the idea for a very helpful book I want to write but it’s pretty clear you’re not going to be okay waiting that long so here’s a very, very basic primer for people in similar situations

SO YOU THINK YOU’RE BEING CYBERSTALKED

If you’re worried about being tracked online by people who have somehow accessed your computer or phone and/or you’re worried about your computer being taken over FEAR NOT! This is VERY fixable!

So the thing is the only way that people can track you like this is by having some kind of network access to your devices. I can’t track your cellphone if it isn’t connected to the cell network (at least not without a pretty serious amount of legwork and a warrant) and I can’t track your computer if it’s not connected to the internet.

The absolute easiest, fastest, most guaranteed way to fix this problem is by disconnecting all your devices. I know that doesn’t seem great because what’s the point of having the devices if they’re not going to be connected, but don’t worry you’ll get this settled and get back online eventually.

What you are going to do FIRST is get on a device that you’ve never used before, get on a computer or phone network you’ve never used before, and you’re going to change your passwords. While you’re at it you may want to get yourself set up with a password manager. Here’s a step by step of the ideal way this would work:

Go to someplace with public-ish computers where you can use the computers for a while (school or public library works well)

Open up a private session of whatever browser is installed on that computer

Create a protonmail email account

(do the rest of the stuff that i’m going to tell you about)

Install a password manager AFTER you’ve sanitized your network and change all your passwords AGAIN using the password manager generated passwords.

Once you have reset all your passwords (steps 1-3) it is time to sanitize your network and your extant devices.

Start by doing a backup of your phone and your computer. This is a FILE BACKUP ONLY, you DO NOT want to restore from backup.

Make sure you’ve got the manufacturer installation discs and activation keys for any software that you have on your computer (or the online equivalent - you don’t use a disc to install MS office these days, you use a Microsoft account and you should have already changed your password for that) because you are going to have to REINSTALL your computer. This means you ALSO need an installation disc for your operating system.

Connect to your router and change the password, select the most secure security settings you router allows.

Reinstall your operating system on your computer and factory reset your phone (make sure you’ve written down all your contacts and saved all the files on your computer or phone to an external device because you will lose them with the reset/reinstall).

(Windows, Mac, Android, iOS)

Make sure that the only things you plug into your computer are things you’ve purchased - remove all wireless dongles for mice or keyboards, make sure the chargers for your phones are all ones that you’ve purchased and not any that were given to you, and only plug stuff back in if you’re 100% sure you know what it goes to.

AFTER REINSTALL/RESET TURN OFF ALL THE WEIRD WIRELESS CONNECTIONS YOUR PHONE AND COMPUTER MAKE. Turn off bluetooth, turn off network discoverability, turn off anything that lets shit talk to your computer or phone.

(This will break/disable things like smart speakers, activity trackers, and a bunch of other IoT tech. If you’re paranoid enough to be doing all of this stuff you should NOT be using those things anyway)

Once you’ve reinstalled your OS on your computer go online and set yourself up with a VPN. If you are feeling EXCEPTIONALLY paranoid you can do this using a mobile hotspot instead of your internet connection. Also if you are feeling exceptionally paranoid you can encrypt your devices.

Now that your traffic is encrypted go back into your router settings and reset your password again. You may want to consider purchasing a better/more secure router or one that has an included VPN (from that list I like the Synology router).

Since at this point your computer should be pretty much completely taken care of you can follow the steps in my other post on the issue to secure your phone.

At this point if you connect to the internet through a secured router and a vpn, and if you are using a VPN on the phone and don’t have any weird mystery apps installed and have shut down app permissions, and if you’re doing all of that carefully and well and you’ve changed all your passwords a couple times, nobody should reasonably be able to snoop your traffic.

That isn’t to say I’d consider this setup safe to plot against the government or anything or to prevent a subpoena to your wireless provider if someone filed one, but for the average weirdo on the internet who wants to creep on your traffic you’ve pretty much locked them out.

After that be careful about what you post online (because a SHOCKING amount of what people think has come from someone spying on their network is actually just stuff that’s reasonably extrapolated from your socials) and if someone approaches you in person about your online activities don’t be alone with that person and publicly challenge them about what they’re saying (maybe take a video of them and post that online). Also do not allow other people physical access to your phone, computer, or router.

Based on the descriptions you’ve given me in your asks it seems reasonably possible that you’re experiencing some upsetting coincidences and that nothing is happening, but there’s also a possibility that someone is remotely accessing your computer. If so, doing everything that I’ve described will close off their access.

If you continue to have these upsetting experiences after going through all of these steps I’d say to have a conversation with a reasonable friend and get a reality check. Unfortunately people are often very scared of computers and because they don’t understand them sometimes innocuous things can be upsetting.

There have been several people who have visited our hacker meetups over the years to beg us to stop the hackers attacking them when there is nobody attacking them or they’ve got things set up in such a way that it would be impossible to do what they think is happening. Fixating on the belief that you’re being attacked and tracked can be very upsetting and can make you more likely to misinterpret nonthreatening happenstance as a cohesive and intentional plan.

I’m not saying that’s what’s happening to you, your circumstance is in a gray area where I don’t want to tell you that someone is watching you and you should be paranoid because that’s not what it sounds like, but the things you’re describing reasonably COULD be because of intruders on your computer so there’s no harm in hardening your network. HOWEVER if you DO harden your network and that doesn’t make you feel any better it’s time to ask for some assistance from people in your life.

IN GENERAL to avoid having people remotely access your computer you should:

Make sure that you are very cautious about what programs you install

Do not open unexpected email attachments and do not click on mystery links

Use unique passwords across your accounts

Do not allow people physical access to your devices

Use encryption on your web traffic through a VPN or a secured router

Do not grant people permission to access your computer or allow people to talk you through the process of setting up access for them (so if someone calls from “microsoft” and says they need access to your computer to fix it just hang up)

Use a strong antivirus program

And in general if you think that something FUCKING WEIRD is going on with your computer you should

document every instance of it being fucking weird

take a photo or video of the fucking weird thing on your phone

think about what someone has to gain by accessing your system

think about the ways that someone could plausibly access your system

check in with someone who knows more about computers than you do (like me - this is the right thing to do! and similarly the people who come to the hacker meetups are doing the right thing! But it’s important to listen to these folks and learn from the conversation instead of dismissing the information they give you - that “what do they gain” question applies here too. I have nothing to gain by misleading you, so it’s very unlikely that I’m lying to you)

And in your life in general:

If you’re scared about something you should ask questions and learn more. Everything is much less scary when you know how to fix it or are able to identify the source of a problem. This is true for computers, it’s true for auto repair, it’s true for plumbing.

So I’m really glad you asked, and good luck. I hope this helps.

#long post

1K notes · View notes