#i think he only ever rlly treated me as a friend because he valued the other girls in the same group as us

[kougyokuseyeshavemeweak]

Hello hello! I hope u are doing well! I hope you do not mind a request for a scenariou, if u prefer headcanons, u can go with that tho!

So we can all agree that Judar is good material for enemies to lovers ( or… enemies AND lovers, but I shall request that later >;) )

It’s a modern au ( specific: university/college au ) ( if u don’t mind. If u do, u can choose whatever timespace u want <3 ).

I was thinking, here is this sweet fem s/o, very cottagecore-ish. She’s very adorable ( not in a childish way tho ) just like a sweet fairy. Very smart also and with good moral values.

Since she’s never afraid of speaking up, I imagine that she does start an argument with Judar, the main reason is Judar being Judar, maybe bullying poor Aladdin, ofc s/o is taking Aladdin’s side, tries to put this * cough * menance to society * cough * to his place and she DOES WIN THE ARGUMENT, leaving him speechlese, cuz she knows how to reply to everything, anytime ( at this point, this is a semi-representation of me but let’s ignore that — I can’t help it ). Just because I’m evil, I also imagine that a lot of people were listening, oh, poor dark magi!

So just because he’s a lil brat — I mean, Judar — he will always try to insult her, start an argument with her, making it a competition or just his way of revange. Since s/o is very good at handling men like him, she never shuts up ( both Judar and s/o are the type of persons that are like: I NEED TO HAVE THE LAST WORD ). At first it was fun for everyone but they started to argue, make fun of each other everyday, like EVERYDAY WITHOUT EVEN A BREAK — people got used to it and it became their thing. Their routine.

And here begins the drama: maybe they do catch feelings and they both hate it ofc, but can they rlly ignore each other? Even if they only fight. They both ask themselves before going to sleep: how can I like a person when at first I’ve only seen their imperfactions? How to fall for somebody when u used to only see the bad parts? There were moments when they don’t argue ( after an argument ofc ) when they help each other ( asking again why they did that tho ) or have a silent moments together when nobody is watching ).

But plottwist, s/o is actually very fragile and sensitive when it comes to her heart, even tho she knows how go argue, arguments do hurt, and arguments between her and Judar start to hurt more. Why can’t he treat her nice like he does SOMETIMES with Kougyoku? Why is he so mean? She wants to keep talking to him but she hates the insults but she can’t help it.

Judar, one day, insults her very bad ( I don t have an insult in my mind, but u can come up with one if u would like ) and he makes her cry. Here is the scenario: what is his reaction when she admits that she’s hurt and she’s in love with him and he actually won? he’s a damn bastard and she hates the fact that such a spoiled brat like him touched her heart. She opens her fragile soul to him.

I think that this man needs a s/o that is sweet ( his type, canon ) but can also put him in his place. He will never ever have the guts to say “ Women are boring “ ( he said that in manga, I’m crying😭 )

Anyways, I hope this isn’t too much for u! As I said before, I love ur blog and excuse me for my english, not my mother tongue :(.

Thank you! Your English was great so no worries. I have been watching Hunter x Hunter (2011) lately so my writing might seem a little similar to the narrator in the anime. Might do a part two because I didn’t get everything.

Warning(s:) Mentions and acts of bullying, a bit rushed near the end.

There he stood. She had hoped she would avoid him but in this case, she was glad to be here. Judar appeared to be picking on one of the new students named Aladdin as some other students merely watched. She noticed Aladdin’s other friends that always seemed to be at his side weren’t around at the time. Knowing that Judar decided to bully Aladdin and when he was alone absolutely sickened her.

Walking up, (y/n) got the attention of the two which also gained the attention of the other’s who were staring. “Stop it Judar. What do you gain from hurting others?” The black haired individual stepped up to the girl a bit “Oh come on. I shouldn’t have to explain myself.” He said with an air of confidence. She desperately wanted to show her anger and yell at him but knew that would only bring him amusement.

“I think you should. Bullying isn’t allowed so unless you have no choice but to-which I highly doubt-then please leave him alone.” Judar scoffed and quickly countered “You think you’re the boss of me or something?” As he was noticeably getting annoyed. “No actually but I know better than you since I’m not the one picking on others” the girl retorted. “Why you..” The man started but was interrupted by Aladdin’s friends quickly coming into view.

“Aladdin!” Alibaba shouted. “Where were you?” The blonde and the small woman with him ran up to their friend. Judar began to walk away as he no longer wanted to waste his time with this. “Got nothing else to say?” The voice of that girl let out. He could tell there was smugness to it and it irritated him. He turned to face her with a smile.

“Wow, you must really be an idiot if you think that” he said as his smile slightly grows. A look of hurt grew in (y/n)’s eyes but she quickly hid it. He would not get the best of her. With her hands clutching her top and a barely noticeable whimper, she responds “If you refuse to acknowledge and work on your faults then the real idiot is you.” Judar becomes quiet with shock that turns visible.

(Y/n) cringes in guilt at what she said but she can’t take that back and especially not around him. “Whatever.” Judar let’s out as though the word itself had a disgusting taste. He leaves all while shaking in anger as (y/n) could only imagine what he’s thinking. As she walks home, she grips her bag in desperation as to not let any tears slip when she thinks about what happened that day.

It had been days since the ‘incident’ and Judar doesn’t seem like he has let it go. He acts as though it doesn’t matter but when his actions consist of following (y/n) around and throwing insults at the poor girl whenever he has to leave the area, it is quite troubling. She wonders if it’s her words that day that have caused this to go on farther than it should have. They would bicker occasionally when (y/n) would get tired of his hovering but nothing seemed to work. No one had ever stood against her for this long and it only served to confuse the woman to no end.

As for Judar, he was all the more confused. To think someone who dresses in flowers and looked as though she was on the verge of tears whenever he were to throw a simple, little insult her way could think she had the right to stand up to him. He at first found her persistence amusing but now he couldn’t stand it. He had decided to start taunting her with hope that she’d realize her supposed ‘place’ but all it did was seem to make her cry as she miserably failed to cover it up. He wondered why this brat was stuck in his head to begin with though he refused to think to much on it.

Days continued to go on with the occasional arguments that never seemed to end as well as the constant picking on only caused by a certain man. He couldn’t seem to understand his need to focus his attacks on her though he often found his mind drifting to thoughts of the girl. Judar was getting rather impatient to know why she was seemingly targeting his mind so he decided that it was enough and headed towards the very woman who had caused all this trouble. Getting her attention yet again, he was about to bring up more words but she quickly beat him to it.

“You know you can stop right?” Was the question she brought up. “Why should I? You’re just so fun to mess with you know.” Judar replied with slight amusement. She countered, “Doesn’t matter. I swear, you’re starting to act like a little boy with a crush.”

To (y/n)’s surprise, Judar did not respond. She turned to face him in a want to know why but she only found him deep in thought and she believed that now was a good a time as any. “Hey Judar?” He seemed to snap out of it by giving a ‘What?’ In return. (Y/n) suddenly appeared a bit timid as she looked down while playing with the end of her dress. “I’m sorry for what I said that day.” “Huh?” Judar said suddenly due to not understanding or knowing the reason behind her sudden shyness.

“When I called you- no why I called you an idiot. That was wrong.” She elaborated. A small glimpse of shock made itself shown on the man‘s face though it was quickly replaced with one of no care. “Oh. Honestly, I forgot about that.” “Oh” she struggled to let out as a feeling of awkwardness crawled its way into her being while she quickly and desperately attempted at finding a way to change the subject.

“Hey. You’re free to hangout tonight right?” Judar asked casually. “Um. What?” (Y/n) responded in obvious shock and slight terror at what just came out of Judar’s mouth. “Don’t make me repeat myself” he sighed dramatically which caused the girl to hesitantly answer that she was free.

“Good. I’ll see you tonight then!” He said, voice getting louder as he walked away. She cringed at the knowledge of other’s hearing as his figure disappeared from view by turning down a hall. She wondered if his sudden question was brought due to her accusation of a crush but decided to not think much of it.

#judar magi #judal magi #magi scenarios #magi: the labyrinth of magic #magi: the kingdom of magic #magi

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

Okay, so, I've been reading your TPWP fic for a while, and I rlly like it! But something has been bothering me

In one of your ending notes, you said that Mondo kinda knew Taka had a crush on him, and they already started the sexual stuff at that point

So, wouldn't that make it kind of manipulative? Because from basic logic, the more they do the sexual stuff, the more Taka will fall in love with him and want to be with Mondo, but Mondo didn't show any clear signs of it being mutual for Taka to see, which would only hurt Taka more... I might be exhagerating but that doesn't sound really healthy :/

Also, Mondo never really apologized for his behaviour, not a proper apology at least, one that Taka really deserved.

I still enjoy your fic a lot, don't get me wrong! But some of Mondo's actions and portrayels seem a bit off and not very healthy in a relationship, platonic or romantic...

(please don't get mad sorry :') have a good day!)

Hey! Thanks for the ask!! And don’t worry, I don’t mind answering questions, especially if it’s bothering you with the story! I completely understand what you mean, so let me try and explain it the best I can.

Just a warning, in order to discuss your problem, I had to go over some other things too, and it’s a bit long and rambling since I wasn’t entirely sure how to explain it all. Just letting you know. :-)

(Explanation under a read more to prevent spoilers for people who don’t want them. It also gets pretty long, since... duh, it's me, ha.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway. I’m going to first answer your not-quite-a question about if their relationship is healthy or not, since I think that’s a better to place to start than Mondo’s supposed manipulation. And as for if it is healthy or not, I will say that… no. No, it is not. Nothing about Taka and Mondo’s relationship is healthy, and I did that on purpose. But it’s not in the way I think y’all might be thinking.

See, Taka and Mondo are too codependent. They rely on one another a lot; constantly around the other, clinging to them and taking comfort from them, etc. And that’s not necessarily bad, right? It’s good to take strength from a partner or friend, and it’s good to lend your strength to them in return.

The problem that arises with Mondo and Taka is that they don’t ever talk about it. About their relationship or their anxiety/insecurity. They cling to the other, taking and giving strength, but they never try and work out what’s wrong. I’ve had Taka try many coping mechanisms in this story, right? Push it all down, allow himself to feel everything he’s feeling, live moment to moment, etc. etc. But I’m sure y’all noticed how none of them worked long term. And that was done by design.

See… Taka is going through a lot, you know? He’s dealing with his grief for his mother, he’s trying to come to terms with the abuse he dealt at the hands of his classmates (and it was abuse, okay? Bullying is abuse), not to mention his crippling loneliness and anxiety and the neglect from his father. But he never fully acknowledges any it. He pushes it all down, shoves it aside, and never looks at it. When he realized he was in love with Mondo, he did the exact same thing. Conceal, don’t feel, and all that jazz.

But, guys… that’s unhealthy. And it led Taka to cling to Mondo, to make him an emotional crutch, without ever questioning why he feels how he feels. And without talking to Mondo about it. This is unhealthy and no matter how well Taka seems to be doing, the only thing that will help him (and Mondo, since he has a similar problem)? Is to talk to Mondo about it. To acknowledge his problems, acknowledge his love, and confront it head on. Until he does that, he will always be miserable and he will be dependent on Mondo to make him feel even slightly okay, which is unfair to both of them.

Basically…they rely on one another too much and it’s bad for their relationship, either platonic or romantic. It’s unhealthy no matter what way you look at it. Again, it’s not bad to lean on a partner or a friend, but you need open communication to be able to do that without putting unnecessary strain on both yourself and your partner. However, this is something that can be fixed, so just because it’s unhealthy doesn’t mean their relationship is bad. They just need to learn how to communicate. Which (spoiler alert)…… they eventually do, ha.

(Just a warning, this next part goes into some minor spoilers for the next chapter, as well as TPWM. Mostly about Mondo’s headspace and things like that. Just a warning.)

Now, onto the manipulative part… see, while I can understand why you’d see it that way, I don’t for one main reason. And that reason is because Mondo is going through the exact same problems Taka is, but even worse somehow, because he refuses to take any strength from Taka. He thinks he must be strong at all hours, must be able to handle everything just fine on his own, but he honestly can’t. Not only is he going through his own problems and grief, but he’s also kind of going through Taka’s, too. He’s giving a lot of himself to Taka, being the pillar that Taka needs, but he’s not really getting any feedback in return. Like…

Okay. So, I mentioned that Mondo knows Taka likes him, right? And he does. Taka is kind of obvious about his feelings and Mondo is a perceptive person. But the thing is… Mondo doesn’t actually think the feelings are real. Or, more accurately… he doesn’t think they’d be real if Taka truly knew Mondo.

I’ve been trying to write about this for ages, because I know it’s not been portrayed all that well in TPWP, but Mondo, like… straight up hates himself in this story. And I mean he hates every single aspect of himself. He hates his anger, he hates his weakness… he even hates his kindness, not because he thinks kindness is weakness, but because he doesn’t think it’s real. Like… Mondo was abused in this story, right? He was abused and neglected, and that kind of alters a person’s view of the world. Yes, he had Daiya, but Daiya wasn’t exactly perfect himself. Not to mention he is currently dead, which also really negatively affected Mondo.

I go over this in TPWM a lot, but Mondo doesn’t think himself capable of being kind and gentle. He thinks all he’s good for is being cruel and violent. He wants to helps people, but he doesn’t know how to do it properly. So, instead, he helps by beating up would be rapists or muggers, by stealing from corrupt businesses and giving that stuff to those who need it, things like that. He wants to help people, but he thinks the only way he can do it is by being cruel and violent. He doesn’t think he’s capable of being kind.

He wants to be kind for Taka, though. He wants to be kind and gentle and soft and loving. He wants to be the kind of person that Taka could love and wants to be worthy of loving Taka in return. He wants it so, so bad.

But…

But he doesn’t think he can. He doesn’t think it’s something he can possibly be. All the kindness that we see him do with Taka? The way he soothes Taka and helps him with his problems? He doesn’t think it’s actually real. He thinks it’s an act. Something he’s doing for Taka’s benefit only. And oh, he wants it to be real, wants that so bad, but he can’t allow himself to think it’s real. Because, to him… he’s not allowed to be kind and soft and gentle. Those are things he can’t possibly feel. He’s not allowed.

He knows, objectively, that Taka loves him, but in Mondo’s mind, it’s not him Taka loves. It’s the act Mondo is putting on. It’s the fact Mondo was his first friend and was the first person to treat him kindly. It’s the fact that Taka is a wonderful person and can look passed the horrible things Mondo has done and even possibly see something of value in him. But Taka doesn’t actually love him. Taka can’t, because he doesn’t know who Mondo truly is. And if he did… well.

(Also, just a note, but he also doesn’t think it’s actually love. He’s thinks it’s more like… puppy love or a crush. Not the kind of love Taka actually feels. He doesn’t quite realize how deep Taka’s love runs, because he doesn’t think himself worthy of that love.)

Additionally, a big thing that I explore in TPWM is that Mondo is absolutely convinced that Taka will leave him one day. That Taka will realize that he’s too good for Mondo and will leave Mondo for better pastures, as it were. And Mondo… Mondo is okay with that. Don’t get me wrong, the thought it hurts him terribly and it breaks his heart, since he truly does love Taka, but he knows it’s for the better and that it’s what Taka needs. Taka could never achieve his goals if Mondo were beside him. Mondo knows this and he is willing to back down if that’s what Taka needs. He’s willing to be a stepping stone if it helps Taka advance.

And, as y’all can prolly tell, this isn’t healthy. At all. Mondo has put Taka on so high of a pedestal in his mind that Taka is almost godlike, with Mondo an unworthy worshiper on the ground. And that’s super unfair to both of them. Mondo lifts Taka up by putting himself down and it just furthers the divide between them.

But the reason why Mondo doesn’t leave Taka himself is because he wants to help Taka. He wants to get Taka to see how perfect he is, that his insecurities don’t matter. He wants to build Taka up and help him grow. He doesn’t know how, is struggling a lot, but he wants to help Taka if he possibly can.

And now, back to the manipulative thing, finally… with all of this in mind, I don’t think Mondo can really be seen as manipulative, you know? Because manipulation needs to be conscious. It has to be a person thinking “hm, I want something from this person and I’m going to do whatever I can to get it, even play with their emotions.” But that’s not what Mondo is doing. Not at all.

When Mondo does sexual things with Taka, it’s very complicated in Mondo’s mind. There’s a reason why he freaked out the first time they did it, and it was because he thought he took advantage of Taka. Mondo had been having unwholesome thoughts about Taka for ages and when he and Taka did what they did, Mondo thought that he’d taken advantage of Taka’s naivety and trusting nature. He hated himself so much in that moment, hating what he just did to Taka, certain that he’d just betrayed Taka’s trust entirely. In fact… he prolly thought himself manipulative in that moment, thinking that he’d manipulated Taka into doing that with him. When Taka said he didn’t, that it was okay… well. Y’all know what happened then.

Honestly, I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this… this is a really hard thing for me to write about, since it’s all about emotions and things and a lot of it is based on how I view the world. It’s one of the reasons why I’ve been struggling so much to explain it, oof. I’ll try to keep going to see if I can’t get something intelligible out.

Anyway. The reason Mondo kept on doing sexual things with Taka despite his misgivings was for two reasons. One that he allowed himself to acknowledge, and one that he kept hidden away, ashamed of it. The one he acknowledged is that it helped Taka relax and learn to not be so uptight, which was always a goal of Mondo’s. He wanted to help Taka and let him see that it’s okay to want things like that. It’s even okay for Taka to be gay, like Mondo was nearly positive Taka was.

His second reason was a lot more selfish, and it’s obviously because Mondo wanted it, too. At first he denied that in himself, pretended that he couldn’t possibly want Taka like that, that he only did it to help Taka. But as time went on, and once everything that happened in the kitchen happened… Mondo realized that he did want it. Want Taka. He hated himself for it, but he couldn’t deny it any longer. He wanted Taka.

But more than that… more than that, Mondo realized that he lovedTaka. More than as a friend or brother. He was in love with Taka and that just… it was so hard for Mondo to acknowledge because he still doesn’t think himself worthy of it. Of loving Taka. Of being loved by Taka. He cannot view Taka as a potential love interest because he doesn’t think he deserves it.

By having him and Taka go on their ‘not-a-date date,’ Mondo was kind of testing the waters. He was trying to see if a relationship between him and Taka could work out. If such a thing were possible. He didn’t ask Taka out, since he knows he has problems with that, and also… it would have made it so much harder for him, having it be voiced like that. It would make it real, a real thing they’re doing, and the pressure would have destroyed Mondo. Completely and fully.

In fact, that’s why Mondo ran at the end of the last chapter. By having Taka say “I’m in love with you,” suddenly everything became real in a way Mondo couldn’t handle. He was doing his best to go through the date without freaking out, without panicking. But then Taka kissed him, said he loved him, and for the first time Mondo allowed himself to acknowledge that oh god, Taka actually means this, he honestly thinks that he’s in love with him, it’s not just puppy love for him, and that just… it was too much. He couldn’t handle it and everything he was trying so hard to keep down came back up again. His self-hatred. His lack of self-worth. He didn’t deserve Taka’s love, he felt. He didn’t deserve to have Taka view him positively. He didn’t deserve to have Taka, period.

He spent their entire friendship dreading the day Taka would leave him, and for the first time… Mondo had to deal with the thought that maybe Taka wouldn’t leave. That maybe Taka was content with staying for the rest of his life, if possible. And that scared Mondo so much, because he knows what he’s like. And he knows that he’d find a way to ruin it. That even if Taka doesn’t want to leave now, Mondo would ruin it and hurt Taka, and Mondo… Mondo couldn’t do that. Couldn’t hurt Taka, not on purpose. Not even on accident. He couldn’t bear the thought of hurting Taka, but he knew that he would if he stays with Taka.

When he ran, that wasn’t out of malice or a desire to hurt Taka. Instead, that was Mondo’s way of protecting Taka from the panic Mondo could feel building inside of him. Panic that he knows from experience turns all too easily to rage. He didn’t want to hurt Taka. He never wanted to hurt Taka, but he could feel it building up and he knew he couldn’t stop it no matter how hard he tried. So, he fled, knowing that running was the only thing he could possibly do to make things even somewhat better.

There’s a lot more I could write here about what happens next, but y’all won’t understand it without context, ha. I did write it down and I will be posting it with the next chapter, so look for it on my blog then if you want to know more about that.

But the main thing I want to get across here is just that… that Mondo wasn’t being manipulative, because manipulation needs to be conscious, and because Mondo never really thought that Taka truly loved him. He couldn’t think that. He thought he was giving Taka what he wanted by being sexual with him, not realizing Taka needed more. Mondo had no idea that Taka loved him so much, didn’t think such a thing was possible. Also, Mondo wasn’t trying to get sex out of Taka. He didn’t go into the whole thing thinking “heh, I’m gonna use Taka’s feelings to get off, no care for how he feels about the matter.” Mondo legit wanted to do everything with Taka and was doing his best to be what Taka needed. He just… didn’t realize that Taka needed more from him. And by the time he did, he didn’t know how to give it.

Sometimes people who have mental illness or trauma they are struggling with can look manipulative from an outside perspective. But manipulation needs to be conscious. Or it has to be deliberately done to get something. Mondo wasn’t trying to get anything from Taka. He was trying to be selfless and give Taka what he wanted. It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t know what Taka wanted, since Taka never told him. This goes back to my first point, in that the main problem Taka and Mondo face is that they don’t communicate. While we all know that Taka loves Mondo, and Mondo knew Taka at least had a crush on him, it’s not quite as obvious how deep that love ran. Not from an outside perspective. Mondo thought it was Taka loving the idea of him. Or loving the kindness Mondo showed him. Mondo didn’t realize that Taka was able to see all of his flaws and love him regardless. And that’s not really his fault.

Ultimately, the main thing I wanted to show with this story is that neither Taka nor Mondo are perfect. They are flawed people, but they still deserve to be happy. They deserve to make it through their struggle and come out the other side happy and together. Mondo has some pretty bad flaws with his anger, but it doesn’t make him a bad person. Having anger issues doesn’t mean you are inherently bad or abusive. It just means you have to be careful and conscious of your problems. And Mondo is trying, guys. He really is. It’s just hard for him and he slips up sometimes. Y’all will have to keep this in mind for the next chapter, because… yeah. It gets bad.

~~~

Anyway, I hope this kind of went over your concerns! I know it was a lot more than what was asked for, but y’all know me. I never do anything by halves 😅 Feel free to ask any further questions if this didn’t explain what you wanted it to!!! I never mind explaining things, even if I’m not always the best at getting it across. I think this all will be explained better in TPWM, though I’ve not actually written any of the sexual chapters from Mondo’s perspective yet. I’m still writing the companion to chapter 18, which was the bathhouse chapter, oof. One day I will get to finishing TPWM. Even if it takes me years. Which I’m hoping it won’t, but honestly… who knows anymore. -.-

(Oh! I also wanted to talk about this earlier, but didn't know where to fit it in. But you mention "basic logic" in your question. My answer to that part is... what part of either Taka or Mondo's actions in TPWP are at all logical?? 😅😅😅 These are two dumb, emotionally stunted teenagers. Logic doesn't really factor into their actions as much as it should. Taka tries to be logical, but he fails at it a lot, ha. It's easy for people outside to think "well, this is what would be most logical," but remember that in the heat of the moment, logic doesn't always apply. Especially for teens.)

(Also! I forgot to address the other part of you ask, about the apology thing. And yeah, that is something that I failed to add to this story, but a lot of it is due to the apologies not really fitting into the flow of my writing. A lot of the things Mondo has to apologize for are things that he did in the beginning of the story, and bringing that up in later chapters would stop the story dead and it would just... it was awkward whenever I'd try writing it. But I always imagined that Mondo did apologize for that stuff, I just never was able to write it organically. Maybe one day I'll write a one shot about it, if I ever have the time, ha.

Now, if you meant for things that happened after they became friends... I'll admit that I'm not entirely sure what Mondo has to apologize for. He apologized for what happened on Halloween and-- more than that-- he showed through action that he was going to change. And if there are other times you think Mondo should have apologized but didn't... can you let me know, so I can either explain why I didn't have him apologize, or see if I can add an apology in there if it works? It's late and I'm trying to remember if there is another time when Mondo messed up... there was chapter 20-22, but that was a complicated situation, and I believe I had Mondo apologize there? Not a big apology, but it was something... I think??? Like I said, it's late and I'm exhausted, so let me know if there is a part you want clarification on, since I've been trying to have Mondo not seem like too big of a jerk, ha.) Thanks for the ask, though!!! I hope I didn't seem unhappy with the question at all, ha. Like I said, I like clarifying things if they're unclear in the story. :-)

#Ask Answers #Oof this became a lot longer than I intended #I hope it makes sense #Let me know if it doesn't!! #I know Mondo can be a jerk in this story #But I don't want him to come across as uncaring or hurtful to Taka #Not on purpose #Not since they became friends at least.

[isazulabaeorwhat]

Rachel Amber, The Broken Angel Who Demonized Herself

Fair warning, please bear with this probably incredibly **longass** (I’m not kidding it’s rlly long) analysis of one of the fandom’s most controversial disliked characters, Rachel Amber. This is just my attempt to analyze her character based on observation from BtS to LiS so by no means do you have to accept them. Productive discussions are obviously very welcomed :D

In LiS, when we asked about Rachel around campus, most of them had nothing but compliments and praises for the missing girl. She was essentially an honorary Vortex Club member who socialised with the snobs, yet she also hung out with the skater stoners and was friendly with those at the bottom of the social hierarchy. Then we see those graffiti around where it hints at Rachel’s promiscuity, debts and conflicts with other people. That’s the first sign we see that Rachel Amber isn’t as perfect as everyone was making her out to be. Afterwards we discover that Rachel was a stoner herself and into whatever drugs there were, partied harder than anyone else, promiscuous, entered a relationship with local drug dealer Frank Bowers while having a secret relationship with Psycho teacher Mark Jefferson— all while maintaining a 4.0 GPA in her studies and being considered perfect and adored by practically everyone in her school. The girl’s incredible, obviously, or maybe scary for someone to be so spread out in everything.

Rachel was a straight A student with a 4.0 GPA, an administrative assistant to the Principal, beloved by students and faculty alike, literal goddess beauty, had ambitions to be a model and study international law, daughter of the DA and was the closest to perfection anyone would ever be— so what went wrong? What made her romanticise the idea of running away from a town where everyone loves and adores her?

Because of the above.

Yes, it may sound whiny and dramatic to feel tired of being loved and being the center of attention all the time, but there’s no point to it if it’s not you who they adore, but the person you’re pretending to be— (“I was feeling angsty and reckless. Tired of living up to the perfect image everybody expects out of me.”) —especially when you have to do so much just to maintain the lie.

Throughout LiS and BtS, Rachel’s ability to get along with everyone was always mentioned. At face value she was akin to a social butterfly. She hung out with stoners regardless of their social status (skaters or the vortex club), was friendly with anyone regardless of their place in the social hierarchy (eg; Daniel/Evan/Steph/Drew/Nathan) or even to strangers others usually ignored (Samuel/Homeless lady). Like Evan said, Her friends were her friends. She wasn’t one to let peer pressure affect her relationships so she wasn’t afraid to make all those acquaintances.

However, for those who knew her closely (Chloe and Jefferson), she was referred to as a chameleon, someone who blended in with everyone and everywhere seamlessly. This was an important detail regarding who Rachel was and her intimacy with others. To be able to make that comparison, they would’ve needed to know who the person Rachel actually was underneath the masks she’d created over the years. Chloe was the first to truly see and accept her for who she was. Jefferson was the one who exploited her for it.

For most, being a social chameleon would count as a beneficial social skill if they’re subtle. So long as the person doesn’t lose themselves in the process and is able to separate their personas from their true self, it remains a skill and will be used as such.

The problem with Rachel was that it transcended beyond a skill. A social chameleon was *what* she became, and that led to losing her own sense of identity, to becoming a stranger in her own body.

We see her confiding to Chloe about this feeling in Brave New World: (“Do you think there’s a point when you’ve been acting so much that you don’t even have your own personality anymore? You’re just whatever you think other people want you to be?”) —to which Chloe tells her she does have a personality because she assumed Rachel was talking about herself. But Rachel apparently wasn’t and clarifies she was talking about her father. She then elaborates on how her father doesn’t really exist, that how he was in the principal’s office was a mere performance and then the actual truth— that she’s afraid she’ll end up like him.

No matter how you interpret that scene, the conclusion is that one of Rachel’s fears was becoming like James— someone who’s been so wrapped up in all the lies and manipulation that he no longer seemed recognisable to even his own daughter.

At that point her defence mechanism of deflection and avoidance came into play after Chloe got a little too close to home. We first see this on the train scene when they play Two Truths and a Lie. Rachel gave factual statements as opposed to Chloe who gave facts that elaborated into her personal life. At one point Chloe can ask how Rachel knew about having a distal radius fracture and It’s a very minor detail, but when she explains that it’s because she broke her wrist when she was 10, she says it extremely fast. When Chloe is about to press for more info about something personal no matter what option you choose, Rachel dismissively turns around the conversation from herself back to Chloe again.

The next time we see her deflecting is right after witnessing her father cheating. When Chloe asks about her, Rachel deflects and guilt trips her into somehow thinking she’s at fault for failing to get them wasted and then proceeds to drown her sorrows into alcohol instead of opening up. Afterwards when they find the junkyard, Rachel chooses to isolate herself from Chloe and withdraws to the corner, getting irritated if Chloe chooses to invade her space. When Chloe confronts her about her sudden moodiness, Rachel yet again deflects and shifts the attention to Chloe by essentially telling her she’s self-centred. This scene was classic Deflection 101 brought by Rachel’s defence mechanism to cope with her father’s betrayal.

Rachel uses deflection and avoidance as a defence mechanism, a habit which stems from the dynamics of the Amber family. When you have a Politician as a father whose life work is to manipulate and lie, and a Stepford Wife as a mother who wilfully acts like a servant to her husband out of sacrifice and duty— an environment of deceit and suppression of one’s feelings will be fostered. This is what shapes Rachel to be distrusting and unhealthily altruistic as we see in BtS.

And so Rachel’s deflection is driven by 2 things: mistrust (James) and her unhealthy altruism (Rose).

As a district attorney, James unfortunately carried his work persona into his personal life and can be presumed to lie to even his own family on a daily basis to the point that Rachel can tell when he’s lying: (“When your Dad is the District Attorney, I guess lying is...something you're used to.”) (Why can't you just tell me the fucking truth?! Stop lying! Stop being a politician for one fucking minute! Can’t you just be my Dad?”) What that tells us is that Rachel’s actually used to being lied at and treated with cynicism, so naturally that would make her guarded around others. Not to mention since James often exercised his professional prerogative (just recall how he spoke to Chloe and her comment about his micro-aggressions towards his own family), it’s most likely that he was also cynical towards people in general and carried that mindset forward at Rachel as well.

As for Rose, you have to really observe how she carried herself and her choice of words. A lot of people pointed out how robotic she sounded and blamed it on bad voice acting, but I think that was actually intentional. She was too mannered, too submissive and too robotic as a person. It’s not exactly a bad thing, but a lot of her personality seemed to be too... *political* for the sake of her husband’s political career. It was altruistic in the way that she sacrificed her own needs for her husband’s and was unfailingly supportive (eg; preparing dinner all by herself, *respectfully* asking James for his drink, even going so far as to excuse James for kissing Sera like wtf). Point is, Rose was the stereotypical political wife whose job was to shut up, look good and smile for her husband while he does the talking. At one point in the dinner scene when they start fighting, James even dared to say ‘Rose, let me handle this’ as if Rose’s voice was irrelevant and unimportant to the table (when he literally just got exposed for cheating lmao).

So what happens when your family environment consists of a father who actively lies and uses manipulation to twist facts, expects you to be compliant in exchange for rewards (birthday money), has the ability to read people, and a mother who does too much for someone who does the barest minimum for the family and represses herself for the sake of others? An environment of deceit and suppression will be fostered, and you develop all of their qualities, for better or worse. That’s difficult to change when your own family dynamics molded you to be that way and then reward you for it. If you recall, Rachel’s mannerisms changed completely when in front of her family and if Chloe complained about having to play the goody two shoes formal well-behaved humorless girl, Rachel would say: ‘try doing it your whole life’. So not only was she playing different roles in school but evidently at home as well.

But It’s not as if the Amber family was aware of the toxic environment they’d created. That’s just what their normal was: to be well-mannered, formal, professional, mature and well-articulated.

This is where Rachel’s social chameleon tendencies develops. Social chameleons usually have reasons for blending in when it comes to personal relationships:

1. Being liked is important for them (they value what people think of them).

2. They want to blend in so as to not stand out (they don’t like attention).

3. They’re doing it to make the other person comfortable (the needs of others come first before theirs).

Considering how Rachel was extremely popular, active in all sorts of school activities and enjoyed the attention of being the star, no. 2 is out. She confessed to wanting to stop being a social chameleon and didn’t seem to care much about Victoria’s dislike of her + she also did it to her family so no. 1 is out as well, which leaves us to no. 3— doing it for the comfort of others. In other words, because she *gave too much shit about other people all the time*.

What further supports the point of Rachel’s unhealthy altruism is what she says to Chloe at the junkyard— (“Maybe you should try giving a shit about other people for once.”) —which essentially tells us that she’s been doing exactly that to be able to lecture Chloe into following her own perspective. Another example would be what she tells Chloe during their therapy session: “—Because she was tired of having to give so many fucks all the time.”

One thing however that all *extreme* social chameleons share is the fact that they **loathe** themselves, or at the very least— dislike who they are. Why else would they go all the trouble of creating different personas for everyone to the point of forgetting their own, if they actually liked themselves?

One of the many things that Chloe and Rachel shared in common was their self-awareness in how undeniably shitty they can be, and that they hated who they were. Whereas Chloe embraced that whole part of her down her self destructive road, Rachel tried to cover hers up by playing other roles for people. Both girls played their sides to the ends of the spectrum; Chloe being selfish (causing problems for everyone in general unnecessarily) and Rachel being selfless (posing no problem for anyone in general even if there was a problem). They had no healthy balance and their unhealthy mindset ultimately drove them down a self destructive path.

Rachel knew she was selfish by nature, and that she’d take it out on Chloe in Ep 1. That’s why instead of talking about what was wrong, she chose to drown herself to alcohol and distance herself from Chloe. When Chloe confronts her about it, she either tells her that not everything revolves around her or that she should try giving a shit about people for once. In other words, ‘Other people have bigger problems than you so shut up and don’t make it worse for them.’ That was Rachel’s mentality and in that moment of poor lapse in judgment, she applied that logic to Chloe expecting her to think the way she does— to put others before yourself.

With Rachel, she always had her walls up and couldn’t help it even if she wanted to because it's practically second nature to have her guard up (“I never said how dearly I hold thee; my habit's been to keep my soul well-draped.“). It’s only in her lowest vulnerable moments is when she finally let her walls down because that’s when she’s too tired to keep them up.

Luckily (or unluckily) for Rachel, she recognized her problem. The only thing is that she didn’t know how to solve them. She confided to Chloe about feeling like she doesn’t exist, but then backtracked and clarified she was talking about her dad instead when Chloe got too close to home. Even IF she was genuinely talking about her father, it doesn’t erase the fact that she believed there was a possibility she was going to become like him— because she already saw the signs and made the comparison between them.

Remember her infamous outbursts in Awake? Unlike Chloe, she’s the type who keeps everything bottled in until it’s too much. Seeing her father kissing another woman was the breaking point and that’s why she reacted badly. And then when she kicked that bin, that was equivalent to Chloe smashing up the junkyard. And then that scream. That scream was the result of years bottling her pent up frustration, stress, anger at everyone including herself. Because she did everything to make her family proud, to please everyone to the point that she felt so empty and hollow, only to realize that it was all for nothing because her father was destroying her family. It wasn’t just a betrayal from her father but a betrayal to herself.

And then there’s Chloe Price. The girl who is the total opposite of her, yet who she can somehow still connect with at the same time. While she cared too much about what others thought, Chloe gave absolutely no fucks. That was her most attractive and admirable quality for Rachel. So what does she do? She latches onto Chloe to do exactly what she knows best. Become the ideal version of whoever wants her to be. In other words, the Rachel Amber who would finally give no fucks.

Rachel was the closest to her truest self when she was around Chloe. Just as she brought life and hope back into the girl’s life, so did Chloe for her. Chloe broke the walls she put up, and she’d seen her vulnerable enough times to let her mask slip. Chloe saw her at her lowest, ugliest self even when she wasn’t doing her usual thing of keeping everyone around her happy, yet she didn’t mock or leave her for it. For the first time, she was selfish, and *still* Chloe came back. That was a BIG reason to trust each other for the both of them. And that’s ultimately what bonded them for so long— the fact that they could be the shittiest people on earth, yet still see the best in each other even if they only see the worst in themselves.

Chloe was the first one to see through her social chameleon act because she slipped, and she continued to let her unmask who she was because that night Rachel just didn’t care enough to hold up the act any longer. This detail of Rachel’s chameleon act slipping *only* when something was wrong is a vital part in understanding the context around her. The first time was when she witnessed her whole world crash, the second was when she realized she was becoming like James, and the third was when she discovered what a monster James was. The fourth— when she asked that trucker for a drive out and didn’t bother to be her usual social chameleon self. We may never know what happened, but something wrong was going on in Rachel’s life that she didn’t want Chloe to be a part of— because why would she put the girl who stuck by her during her darkest hours through her bullshit again?

But at the end of the day, that wasn’t enough. Chloe wasn’t enough. And that’s understandable because a teenager truly can’t and shouldn’t have to be responsible for someone else’s happiness. No matter what choice Chloe makes at the end of BtS, the truth inevitably gets out and leads to Rachel having a fall out with her parents. When that happened, she lost a big pillar of her support system which only leaves her with Chloe who’s another emotionally damaged teen that’s on the road to self-destruction. Chloe can’t help others without helping herself first. But still, who else is there to make them feel a little less shitty except each other?

After her fall out with her parents and her father in particular, she seemed to have developed a taste for men twice her age: Frank Bowers (32) and Mark Jefferson (38). Whatever the reason her relationship with Frank was, she still wrote him those letters and seemed to have cared for him to some extent. Not only was he the source for drugs for her very much needed escape, but he was also the man who helped save her life in one of her most vulnerable moments, and a possible lead to find Sera. It’s not that surprising she’d seek comfort and safety in his arms when he already proved himself once. But clearly it wasn’t serious because she was fooling around with Jefferson at the same time (and Frank knew they wouldn’t have lasted anyway).

Now, Jefferson. The devs confirmed that Rachel was in love with Jefferson and honestly, that’s the least surprising thing ever considering how he basically had the female population of Blackwell head over heels for him. Even Rachel wasn’t immune to that psychopath’s charm. He was a well reputable photographer, had the connections to propel her modeling career, was attractive and mysterious and apparently a damaged soul. He was the perfect one way ticket out of Arcadia Bay. He was her photographer and she was his muse. He was basically the perfect solution to her problems.

The girl clearly had deep rooted daddy issues and was ashamed of it herself since she couldn’t even share her secret relationship to the one person she trusted the most despite sharing her other relationships with her (except Frank).

This is where the drugs and partying come in. They’re a way for her to escape the bullshit in her life for a few hours. Chloe was what made her feel real, but the drugs and partying was what made her forget— forget that her biological mother chose drugs and money over her (twice), forget that her own father was so despicable that he was planning to overdose Sera (this is what Chloe said in the silent dialogue), forget that her biological mother may just be dead somewhere because of James, forget that her own family was a lie, forget all the expectations placed upon her, forget that she herself was a lie, forget that she was so insecure that she had to seek warmth and safety in the arms of men twice her age, forget the guilt of knowing the girl who would die for her was still not enough, forget that at the end of the day all her problems is caused by her own mind and that her own fears had come to reality. And she hated herself for that.

But still, Rachel wasn’t a total junkie or outwardly self destructive to the point that she abandoned her studies like Chloe did. She didn’t let the drugs and partying dictate her life, hence the 4.0 GPA. After all, she still had a reputation to maintain. She was still the DA’s daughter, and getting into college was still a way to get out of Arcadia Bay.

BUT SEE, that was exactly Rachel’s problem. She could never choose which to be; The Problematic Junkie of a Disappointment (Sera), or the Golden Child (James & Rose) everyone expected her to be. She wanted to be as free as Chloe, but she also didn’t want to be a disappointment. She was tired of everything but couldn’t allow herself to fall because it was her nature to demand the best of herself for others as long as she could do it. But what happens when it’s your very own nature you’re going against? It gets really complicated. So instead of choosing, she doesn’t and becomes both. That was ultimately the worst decision she ever made.

Make no mistake, Rachel was an absolute idiot for being so indecisive. She could have easily solved her problems if she just finally gave no shit and did whatever she wanted to. But that’s the problem with people who’re labeled as perfect growing up. They eventually believe it and demand perfection of themselves. They care too much about everything because if they have the ability to be perfect, then why would you choose not to be? When someone is seen to be perfect, disappointment is 10x worse. Even Chloe was guilty of idealizing Rachel to be this perfect girl and was disappointed when she realized Rachel was just like everyone else who puts in hard work—(“Rachel's always made being an A student seem so easy. Almost sad to see all this... effort."), but it’s Chloe accepting Rachel for who she was despite no longer being the perfect girl she believed her to be that mattered.

With being seen as perfect usually comes with the assumption that your whole life is. Just as everyone invalidated her problems because she’s Little Miss Perfect with the perfect grades and the seemingly perfect family, so did she.

‘Cause hey, what does she have to be mad about when she’s a rich white girl who’s been given everything she’s ever wanted, right? (James basically said that). At that point the only problem Rachel had was that she was acting as the perfect daughter and perfect friend and perfect student at the expense of her own happiness, and then throw in the sudden slap in the face that it was all for nothing because her father was destroying the family she’d tried so hard to do proud.

But then again even if that wasn’t enough reason to spiral, it really would mess you up if your own father told you that your biological mother chose money and drugs over you, that everything you’ve done so far was all for a lie and worst of all, that your own father was going to kill your biological mother and there’s nothing you can do to change that. I mean really, I’m not a therapist or anything but I wouldn’t be surprised if Rachel’s mental health was suffering by that point.

I mean get this: she abused drugs and partied harder than anyone else and got wasted even though she knew they were wrong (Sera would’ve been a painful reminder), slept around with older men who undoubtedly took advantage and controlled her, continued to act like the perfect student and pretended to be someone she’s not just to keep everyone happy even though it was causing her to question her own existence— it’s almost as if she was punishing herself for continuing down that path.

Ultimately what Rachel was running away from was who she had become in Arcadia Bay. Once she’d be out, she wouldn’t be Little Miss Perfect anymore. She wouldn’t be the DA’s daughter. She wouldn’t have to keep lying. She would be able to start over. She would just be Rachel Amber, the nobody.

She cared too much in contrast to Chloe’s ‘I don’t give a shit’ attitude, and that’s why she still managed to maintain her perfect image even when she was already so broken. Whereas Chloe’s first instinct was to blame others, Rachel’s was to blame herself. Both never had a healthy balance when it came to accepting responsibility and that’s what connected them so well together.

Call it selflessness or selfishness or stupidity or melodrama, but at the end of the day Rachel tried to keep everyone around her happy, just like Max tried to do with her powers except Rachel used lies to do it. She was greedy and selfish, no disagreement to that, but she also tried to be selfless for most of her life. She was her own enemy and she demonized herself for it. And that got her murdered, thrown and buried away like the used rag doll she treated herself to be.

She was Chloe’s angel and Chloe was hers, but she was also her own demon. And there’s only so much two broken angels can do against a demon.

**TL;DR:** Idealizing her to be the Perfect Girl was what made her want to run away. Her family was what broke her. Desperation for escape was what killed her. Her family just *really* suck.

Now, I’m not trying to justify Rachel’s actions but merely rationalizing her character. I acknowledge that she was capable of being a shitty person at times, but just as Chloe had her issues, so did she, and so I choose to see them both for what they tried to be. Good hearted people just trying to make their shitty life a little easier. At the end of the day, Rachel Amber was a deeply flawed, insecure and emotionally damaged girl that pretended like nothing was wrong to forget about her troubles for a little, and was just dealt a bad hand in life. Literally.

After writing all of this, I realize that holy shit this girl was fucking complicated and a single post doesn’t do her justice nor explains her character properly enough. I thought it’d be simple enough to word it out, but then again, someone who was basically a junkie yet still managed to maintain her perfect reputation amongst her peers and the faculty is bound to be this complexed. Also as you can see I got very lazy at the middle of the elaborations and repetition has probably made this unnecessarily long but thank you for reading and finishing this overall confusing and messy essay.

#life is strange #amberprice #chloeprice #rachelamber #analysis #meta #I posted this on Reddit n it got a nice reception #so here it is on tumblr #yk just to stay true to what this blog was supposed to b lmao

[deathvsthemaiden]

wuthering heights or stormlight archive? granada or fgo holmes? tamino or fiona apple?

The SOUNDDDDDD the ongoing SOUNDDDDD of delight and disbelief... I just let out... you know me 🥺🤲🏽 and so expertly used that to hit me right where it was bound to hurt 👊🏽😔 I’m in absolute awe bestie bravo 🤭👏🏽😳💓💝

Ok for WH vs Stormlight: STORMLIGHT!!!!! First of all more content, second of all its ongoing and looking forward to consuming future installments makes life more bearable! At this point in time, we’re only 4 (main) books deep, and it’s projected to be 10! 👀 and then each book has year long gaps between it and the rest and is 1000+ pages apiece, and Sanderson keeps coming up w/ unplanned novellas... like even if The Stormlight Archive were not attached to the greater Cosmere, it is so deliciously vast!! 🍴 Endlessly entertaining in comparison to Wuthering Heights, which I love for very different reasons. Sometimes I think abt how old I’ll be when Stormlight ends and I’m like @_@ insane and dizzying to think about how long it’ll be part of my life... how I will grow and regress as it gets incrementally more and more complete and complex...... 😖!!

Also! It’s fantasy, and not only that but high fantasy, which is probably the first genre I ever fell in love with. That’s partly why the art ppl make for this series is more vibrant and a bit more abundant, I think, (at least when you’re casually scrolling the internet) and Stormlight has a lot more sentimental value attached to it for me than Wuthering Heights does, since it was rec’d to me by a friend and the character development + depictions of mental health in this series has rlly gotten to me at several points... and will probably continue to do so for the indefinite future whsjwnw not to mention how Sanderson established that these characters are indeed of color! And that Kaladin could/would totally look desi! Likeeee I am weak and predictable that means a crazy amount to me (both Stormlight and Wuthering Heights are written by white ppl, and that the fact that some if not all the characters in them are of color is, for various reasons, misunderstood or overlooked by readers is one of the most vexing and unfortunate things abt both books/conversations surrounding them, so it’s very fitting that u pitted them together tbh! 👀)

The Holmes q... you are soooo evil I love u! THIS IS SO... My two favorite Holmeses and ur making me choose... 🥺🤭😖💔🤕 !! gonna say FGO Holmes because he was what kickstarted my interest in Holmes related anything-at-all and I enjoy how he’s true to canon in the best ways, like his priorities and mischief and personality, but his role in the story of FGO and the setting of FGO are more thrilling and creative than his role in and the setting of Doyle’s original stories! I have more bones to pick w/ canon Holmes than FGO Holmes, which means I have more bones to pick with Granada, since it’s such an overall faithful adaptation. Also sometimes I get paranoid abt coming off as an angl*phile or smth for being such a fan of Holmes (😑) but as I’ve said a few times before, no part of British history holds anyyy special charm for me, and I think it’s very unfortunate sometimes how people romanticize the settings of British classics! Like I’m also not one of those ppl who’s obsessed w the concept of a “Victorian dandy,” or whatever... that the anime character I’ve taken such a strong unshakeable shine to is based off of one is incidental 😭😔 !! (It influences some of his more endearing or funny behavior and mannerisms but it’s not like. Integral to his character that he is one imo) This is my long winded way of saying that the way FGO plays fast and loose w/ ACD canon is right up my alley and makes it easier to express appreciation for Holmes as a character without accidentally sounding like I’m also fawning over the settings + aesthetics + symbols he was originally attached to and meant to stand for that I find insufferable. Jeremy Brett did an incredible job but... FGO Holmes is my flexible, spindly 2D doll and I’d love him just as much even w/o the existence of ACD canon, while a large part of Granada’s charm is how good of an adaptation it is (although it stands wonderfully on its own too)

THIS TAMINO VS APPLE Q... the way every prompt gets eviler... crying and screaming !!! The Universal Diabolical Genius strikes again!! 😠🥺🤫

Oh my god Tamino’s voice is so haunting and I adore how he works with The Firka (an orchestra of mostly Iraqi and Syrian refugees) + in so doing deliberately draws on musical traditions from his cultures to enhance his music... but Fiona Apple’s lyrics are truly so genius and charming.... and the ENERGY!! In general I prefer when music excites rather than soothes me, which is not mutually exclusive ofc, but Tamino is what I listen to when I want to feel out of touch, as a treat, and Fiona Apple is... god I can’t even explain it, it’s almost never the wrong time for Apple. Between the two, ideally I’d just choose death? Like these are legit my all time favorite 2 artists but I am at metaphorical gunpoint here and trying not to be a spoilsport so I will say....

😐

Fiona Apple 😔 her discography is currently much larger!! And I listen to her more nowadays 😖 forgive me Tamino 💔

#these were so hard... wtf... U WIN Miss Eve omg.... and I thought /I/ sent stumpers.... what shameful folly what embarrassing naïveté .....😦 #asks #Like Heathcliff is a man of ambiguous color and this flies over ppl’s heads and sanderson did an initially bad job of clarifying that all #the characters were of color in text. I think I went in w the foreknowledge that none of them were white and it’s been years since I’ve read #the first book so I no longer recall just how bad or well he described ppl) #long post

[koolkvat-blog]

       hello  loves  ,   what’s  up  !   i’m  super  excited  to  be  here  &  to  finally  play  my  precious girl  ,   jade aka kool kat   .   i’m  LOLA  ,   use  she / her prounouns  ,   i am NINETEEN  ,   &   i  am  currently  in  the  gmt + 1 timezone  which  means  yes  ,  my  ass should’ve  been  awake  for  intro  posting  but  i  don’t  know  what  time  management  is  and  ended  up  swamped  w/  work  ,  so  !   everything   you  need  to  know  about  about  miss  kat  is  under  the  cut  ,   &  i’m  rlly  thrilled  to  be  apart  of  such  a  wonderful  rp  with  such  gorgeous  muses  .  corniness over  ––   if  you’re  looking  to  plot  sumn  out  ,   just  hit  that   ♥︎    &   i’ll  make  my  way  on  over  to  ur  dms  ,  or  feel  free  to  add  me  up   on  discord  which  i’ll  give  in im’s  if  anybody’s  interested  !   ♡♡♡         tw  :   family issues  ,  body image issues  &  drug mention  ( not  explicit ) . 

001 . SYNOPSIS  . FULL     NAME  .      jade        kikuchi . NICKNAMES  .      kool kat    . AGE  .      twenty - one . DATE     OF     BIRTH  .      twenty  -  seventh     of     september   ,     1993      /     libra . PLACE     OF     BIRTH  .      harajuku ,   tokyo ,     japan .         GENDER  .       cisgender     female . SEXUALITY  .     (  closeted  )  pansexual  . NATIONALITY  .      japanese  ,  now  american  too  after  successfully  gaining  citizenship  . ETHNICITY  .      asian  . OCCUPATION  .       fashion designer at katz designz      ,     former  fashion  design  and  journalist  student  back  in  her  original  timeline  . PLAYLIST  .      here  !  (  +  )     charismatic , enthusiastic , warm , energetic , adventurous , compassionate , animated . (  -  )     deceptive ,  independent ,  emotional , territorial , ambitious , impulsive , temperamental , insecure , sarcastic .  

002 . AESTHETIC  .      wheatgrass  smoothies , 90′s  anime  with  subtitles  , chanel  no. 5, speeding  on  a  desert  road  with  the  windows  down ,  painting  your  toenails  on  the  dashboard ,  neon  prints ,  cat  lazing  on  a  balcony  in  the  sun , black  lace ,  japanese  horror  films  ,  sour  cocktails  with  sugar  around  the  rim , half - smoked  cigarettes ,  stacks  of  fashion  magazines , long  hair  hastily  dyed  different  colours in  a  motel  bathroom ,  thrift  stores   .

003. INFORMATION  .

tl;dr : a flighty, inattentive adventurer: a follower of whims; personable and sociable but lacks the skills to maintain relationships because she’s entirely (and perhaps too) career focused, checks her horoscope daily and entirely relies on the stars when concerning relationships, epitome of a britney spears / gwen stefani stan back in the 2000′s, still owns a (bedazzled) flip phone, collector of vintage fashion (chanel, elle, juicy couture etc.) a subscriber to the Leonardo Da Vinci sleeping method; catch her at 2 am making soufflés or buying plane tickets to shiwei so she can really experience the culture: will tell you she loves you ten minutes after first introduction because she’s high: kind of unintentionally insensitive to those she doesn’t know and closed off but in like a cool, lovable way. 

•    heads up im running on like 5 hrs sleep so sry when this inevitably derails ! ok sweet let’s get into this . 

•    so as aforementioned this is jade kukichi, aka, kool kat. she was dubbed that by her friends due to her unique fashion style and sense of dress, and it’s stuck. lbr nobody other than her friends can use that term so if you do, she’s just going to stare at u for a quick sec before saying ‘it’s jade’. 

•    born in harajuku, tokyo to a cardiothoracic surgeon of a father and a politician of a mother, jade grew up traveling the world and becoming flighty af, never thinking she was going to make long - term friends and kinda being okay with that. 

•    her family has never stayed in one place for very long, though her aging parents eventually settled into a permanent residence in the us around the time she turned sixteen, not soon enough for jade to break the habit of wandering, but thankfully quick enough for her to meet the bratz girls who were just as adventurous and fun - loving as she. she's spent much of her teen life jumping from place to place wherever her interests are that moment, collecting people along the way, but to find friends was the only thing she was missing. jade has a brilliant mind, but she lacks patience and follow through. she needs guidance or she'll jump from idea to idea, job to job, whim to whim.

•    ngl, jade pretty much hated her home life. her parents were an overbearing presence in her life, her mother wanting jade to be a proper lady who also went into a profession like theirs (entirely serious and stifling when it came to creativity, doctor, politician, lawyer etc.) while jade herself wanted to check out the latest trends and go to the mall w her friends – so she turned all of her focus and energy into getting good grades in everything she wanted to do in the hopes that she could be the most successful fashion designer, then leaving town forever. 

•    like she spent 7 yrs in high school graduating w honours but she barely knew what was happening in 9/10 of her classes and sometimes she just slept through classes and then wing her exams which she miraculously did well at. it was just not a good idea to send jade to a public school at 11 after being in boarding school for the rest of her life and then never really enforce any rules :~\ she has trouble with that kind of thing.. as in making logical choices instead of saying "YEAH lets go watch american psycho and smoke weed!" skipping chemistry to do just that 

•    she loves fun and values doing what makes her happy over most things. it's hard to pin her down and she spends most of her life chasing after ideas that don't really follow any sort of conscious order, bc she’s really got that ‘i’ve got dreams and i’m gonna do everything in my power to achieve them’ personality. 

•    according to bratz canon she’s worked as literally everything ? she’s one of those insufferable people who r just. good everything ig and that’s just how it is on this bitch of an earth. jade’s been a photographer, a song - writer and bass player in a rock band (shout out to bratz rock angelz the best movie w the best soundtrack ever), a student studying fashion design, a fashion columnist, a quickly fired nanny, and many other things in between. 

•    so when she appears in toonsville she’s kind of out of it that she’s not doing something w her skills and sets up her own business which she loves ? being her own boss suits her fine (for now) because she’s got a Real Job and she's actually trying rly hard so she can fulfill her dreams !! like suck it mom nd dad haha !!!

•    jade has a lot of weird feelings TM about her body and her looks and struggles a lot with her self confidence :~( she had a shit time at school with boys saying she was too thin and she compensated by acting like she didn't like anyone at all for a while and now she thinks she isn't good enough for anyone when rly she is a cinnamon bun too good for this world too pure 

•    best friend ever she is so good at being a friend if u text her at 3am to go out or cry on her shoulder shes ready to go at 3:15 even if she was sleeping w lots of snacks and treats and love!!! she is sooo extroverted around those she’s comfortable w, she gains so much energy from being around people and she loves being nice and being around ppl she likes 

•    she becomes the mom of groups pretty easily (hence why she’s the leader of the bratz) bc she bottles up most of her own problems to help ppl with theirs!! which is toxic yea but she puts people first always so !! plz help her poor repressed soul!! rip kool kat.. 

•    still super into the stuff of her time so like.. she loves the x files and bad reality tv shows (i want to be a hilton) and reads gossip magazines on the reg because she enjoys that stuff! also very into girl groups.. ginger spice / posh spice is an eternal mood.  

•    anyway yes sweet adult-child of 21 (she is in denial about that tho like she doesn't want to be childish) who is v nice v kind v loyal v baked a lot of time, v passionate v silly. idk what i'm doin hope u like it < 3

004. WANTED CONNECTIONS . 

friends / best friends / ride or dies . jade genuinely loves people, loves talking to strangers and getting into intense conversations with people she’s only just met, learning other people’s way of life and bettering herself for getting. she is, however, incredibly blunt and has never once minced words to keep from hurting someone’s feelings or to ease them into a situation. she’d much rather have a one-time conversation with a stranger than make long lasting relationships. she has three very close friends –  to the point of co - dependence –  and honestly, she’d rather spend all of her time doing things she loves such as her hobbies, sticking her nose into the latest vogue, or searching for cute collars and treats for her cat mica w them instead of making new friends. she's also FUN and she'd be happy to go on crazy road trips or buy out a movie theater for a day or anything that she thinks will her buds happy. she's traveled all over, so she’s v well read and cultured. she loves people but she hates complication and won't deal with any sort of emotional labor. she wants to live in the moment and expects everyone in her life to do so as well. just be chill, y'all. 

frenemies / enemies /  rivals  . please be her enemy, she needs people to antagonize shdhshd. she grew up pretty much affluent so she’s pretty spoiled even if she doesn’t want to admit it, and that rebellious side of her hasn’t died down yet. despite the fact that she is wealthy and in good community standing, she has a hard time letting go of childish grudges. in general she’s got a lot of suppressed feelings and ready to fight everyone who hurts her friends – like an irritated cat – so, honestly, come at her ? she is sometimes a little fickle and flighty and a unintentionally stuck up when it comes to art / fashion and she has definitely said the wrong thing at the wrong time and pissed the wrong people off, she can’t stand anyone underestimating her or thinking she’s dumb bc she’s interested in fashion. like gtfo !

ex’s , fwb’s , possible love interests .  jade is fairly fluid romantically and is the type of person who hates labels but also just wants to be cherished and called cute pet names lowkey. she loves a lot and gives a lot to her relationships, but typically doesn't want to commit to anything important. she’s gone from one disastrous relationship to another, ending up with a boyfriend who constantly ridiculed her image that was essentially the catalyst for her cutting off romantic ties, quite a recent wound before she found herself on the island actually. worst thing is tht she’s convinced herself that she’s been the problem in these relationships –  that she turns good people bad or that she is too much for people to deal with, she’s not sure what the issue is and she doesn’t really want to know. so…. fuck everything amirite ? anyway, she’s a strong independent woman who don’t need no (wo)man. 

etc . pls give me people jade can give a makeover to, people she shares an apartment w on the island, people who think fashion is girly and vapid.. creatives who love what she’s doing, anything tbh << 3

#cartoons:intro #ngl making jade's playlist was the best part about this

[riahsaur]

someone just asked me why im STILL mad over things that happened 10+ years ago

I wish I had a nice answer for them - all I can really say is like. Imagine - you grow up in a chaotic household where NOBODY is your friend and EVERYBODY is out to get you because youre small and highly emotional and expressive and that makes you a very easy target.

Then imagine that you finally find a small light in the tunnel - you meet a person! Not just *A* person, but the FIRST PERSON EVER to be nice or kind to you. To check on you every day, talk to you, and generally treat you like a normal human. That person means the WORLD to someone like me. They were not ever true in their intentions or love towards me and constantly led me on and put me down to make themself look/feel better but that was what I thought was normal given the other example of a relationship consists of me being beaten down literally and figuratively.

NEXT imagine that you develop a close relationship not only to THAT person but a few more that youve managed to collect mostly thanks to the normal human that has let you tag along in their life up until this point.

Years go by - youre going through shit that you cant tell a soul, dealing with suicide, dealing with self harm, dealing with a budding ED, dealing with just lots of dark dark dark things. However, that small handful of people who seem to like you light up your world like no other. They work as running exampled and help me figure out how I want to get away from my situation by example.

Now imagine - one day you have enough. Youre old enough to realise that those same people really *DONT * care about you. Youre old enough to realise that youre some kind of oddity or joke or whatever it would be for them. That youre some kind of negative metric to judge their own silver-spoon lives by as a confidence boost. Imagine youre falling deeply deeply into drug abuse and alcoholism and self harm and youre not eating AND THEN UR DAD BEATS U UP ONE LAST TIME RLLY RLLY HARD BEFORE MAKING U HOMELESS BEFORE U HAVE A CHANCE TO FINISH SCHOOL :000 AND HE TELLS EVERYONE A FUCKED UP LIE ABT IT!!!!!

You need the help of those friends - you NEED their love. But it has wavered over the years - and you feel embarrassed for wanting it. You feel alone. unloved. You feel lower than dirt - unworthy of anything. Neither your birth parents OR the two people youve managed to keep in your life love you.

and i didnt fucking deserve that. They should have stuck by me and asked me what the fuck i was going through. They shouldve come to me the FIRST TIME i was admitted to the hospital after a suicide attemot. Alex should have fucking told a teacher when i showed her a suicide note i wrote in my own blood on the bus in 7th grade. But naw - they used me as something to laugh at. Something to never be. They looked at me like i wasnt good enough and threw me into the trash without a second thought about me!

I dont hate them but I will forwver be angry with them. I want closure but Its fucked uo because I STILL let myself not feel good enough to talk to them and simply ask wtf so i can hve context or a shred of understanding. The greatest hurt in my life was knowing that the 2 people I held the closest as my confedants and family would just throw me aside when I needed them. I keep thinking yall are evil hearted but i hate the idea of passing an easy judgemebt on you two the same way you did to me.

its just hard to get rid of the anger and betrayal here. Granted ive been going to see a therapist for a very short period of time and will indeed get my day to work on this. For now Im gonna continue to cope ! And finally let myself have friends! And learn to open up and feel safe and like i am okay to ve around others because I have value !

#this ones for u robby #coming for u next #little riah things #@ektheta

[boyjadzia]

omg sara @shinelikeastarlight tagged me to do this super long tag game hlep

tagging: @void-for-president, @the-alexandrian-alchemist, @starboysisko, @magnmite, @yacobeanreign (of course only if y’all want)

last text sent: "cool [thumbs up emoji]”

list three favourite colours: ???? don’t do this to me

what time did u wake up at today: 11am, it’s reading period don’t judge me what were u doing last night at midnight: playing drunk rock band name something you can’t wait for: this godforsaken quarter to be over when was the last time u saw ur mother: over winter break/new year’s one thing u wish u could change abt ur life: the crippling depression/abandonment issues are getting kinda old, I’d like to feel like I have a stable community/family who love and support me whats getting on ur nerves rn: the discourse favourite tv shows: star trek (all of them but esp DS9), idk I’m sort of obsessed with yuri on ice at the moment, those two are the main ones tbh? first best friend: my girl India who doesn’t have a tumblr but we’ve been best friends since we met on the playground at age 5. our moms are also tight. listening to rn: nothing, the sound of my laptop fan straining to keep my computer from bursting into flame

3 fears: never having a group of people I feel I can call family, never being in love, cavities

4 turn ons: self-awareness/humility, being sensitive about & respectful of my dysphoria, trust/willingness to be vulnerable, being honest & vocal about what you like 4 turn offs: being boring, being insensitive/distant, not being conscientious about how you interact with my body (i.e. assuming you can just treat my body the same way you’d treat a woman’s body and that’s a-ok), heterosexuality of any kind sexual orientation: gay tbh senior year quote in my year book: oh god some generic hillary clinton quote about feminism I don’t even wanna remember it first thing i notice in a person: ?? what they look like? shoe size: 7M/9W (US) eye colour: hazel hair colour: brown favourite item of clothing: probably my leather jacket, close runners up are my high-waisted black jeans that look good with pretty much anything and my crop top that says “I got to second base at Jonah’s bar mitzvah, January 7th 1978″ what colour of underwear i’m wearing rn: blue/brown/white stripes favourite season: whichever one has like 60-70F weather, used to be summer but now that’s spring lol how much time i spent on designing my blog: not much I just picked a theme the reason i joined tumblr: this is pretty sad but... I wanted to make friends do i ever get “good morning” or “goodnight” texts: only if I’m like talking to someone right before going to bed when did i last hold hands: don’t remember how long does it take me to get ready in the morning: depends, anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour have i shaved my legs in the past 3 days: LMAO try the last 4 years where am i rn: on my couch do i like music loud or at a reasonable level: reasonable, loud noises are scary 3 things i love: my friends, dogs, idk earth? how i feel rn: I need to gtf to sleep lol something i rlly, rlly want: to feel like I don’t have to radically change my body to be attractive to the people I want to attract 3 things that upset me: feeling like I’m hurting or burdening other people, straight men trying to hit on me, the persistent feeling that being transmasc somehow makes me a bad person what i find attractive in other ppl: appreciating subjects other than your field of study, confidence, ambition, someone who’s accomplished interesting things in their life, being friendly, genuine & not condescending 3 habits i have: staying in bed all day on days when I don’t have to do anything, only eating part of my lunch during lunch time and eating the rest for dinner, carrying off ridiculous amounts of free food from events something i fantasize abt: feeling comfortable and secure in my attractiveness vis a vis how my body looks, and in my presence in gendered spaces something im talented at: singing, memorization, embarrassing myself the blog i give the most notes to: idk, probably sara tbh last person re-blogged sth from me: I haven’t checked my notifications in a while o_0 do  i smoke/drink: I drink with friends my favourite food: I’m a big fan of things with cheese in them. also guacamole. my favourite dessert: it really depends ugh I guess cake? what i did yesterday: had my last day of classes, went to work, went to an award ceremony/opening gala for an integrated DNA technologies sponsored exhibit at the field museum (it was so fancy I felt so grown up and fancy), went to kat’s birthday party number of kids i want: ???? number of siblings i have: none something thats constantly on my mind: trangst (trans angst)

last person i messaged on tumblr: teddy (void-for-president) can i drive: nope :/ what state or part of the world do i live in: Chicago, from Brooklyn am i in school: 3rd year undergrad do i get grossed out easily: not generally, but certain specific things will do it (ex. dead animals especially FISH) somewhere i would like to visit for a week: hm maybe go back and see Alaska again? check on that mountain biking trail I helped build in 10th grade i’ll love u if: make an effort to spend your free time with me/take the initiative in telling me that you value my being in your life last show i binge-watched: I binged legend of korra over winter break, probably that what words upset me the most: idk I guess people telling me I’m wrong for existing in the spaces that I occupy? what words make me feel best abt myself: when people tell me they value having me in their lives and that I make them feel good about themselves a wish that i’ve wished for repeatedly on 11:11: that’s not a thing that I do :/ who i would switch lives with for a day: idk maybe someone who’s already gone on T and sings just so I could get a sense of what the voice change is like for a singer? or like. a famous celebrity or something. my favourite ice cream: green tea I think? allergies: minor allergy to raw eggplant I think, every time I eat undercooked eggplant my mouth starts to feel like it’s swelling up, not like my throat is being blocked off but just my mouth starts to hurt quite noticeably sexiest person to come to mind immediately: alskdjfsldk this is really hard uhh uhhh ok see my first thought is like star trek characters but I can’t say that ok let’s go with john boyega he’s gorgeous and seems like a ray of sunshine my childhood career choice: biologist! one of my insecurities: that being transmasc nonbinary and still participating in some women’s spaces/not letting go of some aspects of womanhood makes me a bad person and specifically is harming transfeminine people how many blogs am i following: just over 100 I think how many tabs/different windows do i have open at this very moment: 2 windows, this is the only tab open in this window because my internet sucks and tumblr is a monster website, the other window has 13 tabs coke or pepsi: not super into either, I guess coke although my aunt used to work for pepsi so I should be loyal tea or coffee: tea movie or book: movie probably, I don’t actually read that much it’s embarrassing, although frankly I don’t really watch movies that much either a sense i would be willing to lose: none omg! I guess if I had to pick taste? since taste is mostly smell anyway quote i live by: I don’t really? type of accessory i wear the most: does the leather jacket count? otherwise none last awkward situation i found myself in: I kept trying to pet eva’s dog today but I just ended up scaring her what time is it rn: way too late

a song that made me cry: hallelujah by leonard cohen, not actually, just like made me v emotional (yes I’m thinking abt that yiddish cover) first song u ever sang at karaoke: are we talking like legit karaoke at a karaoke place or like hanging out in my best friend from middle school’s basement singing along with her CD of karaoke tracks for the hottest hits of the mid-2000s bc I don’t remember the former but the latter was definitely sk8r boi

#randy rambles #long post #tag games