#i think i aint got crippling anxiety for everything and then i realize i cant do like 85% of things | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lthu · 7 years

Text

august 3 2017

I shouldn’t really be pushing my hands to do much work but either way if i write or type it’ll still hurt. not the point but i need to remember this when i am better (mentally)

all my life i’ve been writing about my depression and how it’s been inflicting me and amusing me simultaneously . there is so much to know about it, it’s not entirely the same for everyone. sure being “sad” is a straight forward synonym of depression but it really isn’t. i mean, i wish i was just sad from time to time because that’d be a hell of a lot easier than carry this stupid burden called depression. oh! and how can i forget about this..you get the whole package too. anxiety. anxiety is so broad too so broad. most anxieties might be common than others some might be rare.. i understand that much, i don’t think i fall into the category of rare anxiety but i’ve learn to understand most of my anxieties and i believe that is one of the hardest disorders to manage. ( i know i am wrong but i am talking about myself) i actually found out not too long ago that i was depressed since i was 13 years old. I actually had no clue until not too long ago. i had some of middle school friends come to my place i brought some notebooks we used share and write our thoughts i guess it was away to survive our awkward stage of life and stay close at the same time. they wrote so many funny things and when it came to me..i just wrote the most depressing shit in the world..i used words no 13 year old should really use (cant explain) but it was hella awkward they just said “wow you are dark” and what can i say? i said “yeah i still am, time hasn’t change me ha ha” but in my head i was like “wow i had depression and i had no clue what that was back then, now it makes so much sense” it really did actually, i felt like such a weird kid ( i liked and hated it) anyway i am 24 now i remember telling myself when i was 17 or 18 that i wouldn’t have depression once i turned 24 or 27 but i still do.. and i keep telling myself that i wont have it when i am 30. i know this is a lie but sometimes it feels good to believe.

i’ve never been completely open about my depression until recently (i’ve seen some people come out and express to the public) ..and i guess that sort of encouraged me because it’s really nothing to be embarrassed about. ACTUALLY i’ve never been open about my medication until recently..actually like today i mean. i posted this photo on my instagram

i had to think about it for awhile, i love this photo a lot because it explains everything that i am currently experiencing with having depression and anxiety.. and well taking medication for it. maybe someone found it too personal but it really isn’t. not anymore hah. i call it (no)rmal. i’d like to explain this further.

I’ve been on medication for about a year an a half or perhaps 2 years..fucking time flies..i’m too oblivious of time. anyway same time i started seeking therapists both a psychologist and psychiatrist..it’s ok..i can talk about that later or another day ...that’s another whole fucking topic.

i hate and love being medicated.

i’ve come to terms with this and i have accepted medication as an integral part of my life. ( i hope not permanently ) i’ve come to terms with what i can do and what i cannot do, when i can go to bed and when i cannot drive. it sucked at first..knowing that a little pill would have some authority in your life. i accept this i accept this.

i was so blinded by my changes when i started taking them. it took months for me to react to them. i changed i really did and i just noticed this. i was..normal............

and i didn’t even realize it! i thought i was better..functional.. i was able to talk to people in a banal matter, my life was just that, didn’t go further than that. yes, my moods improved but i don’t know how i feel about this. these changes.

(NO)RMAL

thats why i say no to normal. this wasn’t me this isn’t me. i think i am having a

it’s been about what? a year or a little less than a year that i’ve been experiencing this crisis. its a crisis that i face everyday and to go along with that my anxiety barges in so it gets really intense..but it’s not just any anxiety its..

so it’s a lot of layers of disorders and bullshit. how do i deal with them? i just stay quiet, ignore plans, hide, exchange a few typical boring words to co workers (for survival rly), draw, look at pics of dogs, relate to memes (oh i need to bring this up later)

my security is to just stay quiet when i’m around people i don’t wanna talk to. i just instantly feel uncomfortable cos i’m in a personality crisis mode. it shuts me down. it cripples my speech. i get clumpsy. i get sweaty. i stutter. i forget english. i forget spanish. i’m oblivious. i have racing thoughts. i mean thats what

is. Anyway because i am in this state i don’t know who i am, i am constantly trying to think and remember who i was, and when i do it was when i was deeply depressed. My depression did defined me back then and i did like it (and didn’t obviously) and i felt different definitely not normal. depression gave me the opportunity to think differently, it helped me with my poems and my art sometimes. it gave me so many strange thoughts that kept me questioning about life and myself, i believe it gave me some kind of wisdom. depression takes you to some really weird places.. mentally and physically. depression has also guided me to horrible horrible places. i wrote a letter to my depression early on a sunday morning, it was a bad morning

to sum up, briefly, what depression makes me feel when it hits me 10x stronger. somedays i am just numb. sometimes i miss my depression no matter how bad it got, i just felt like i was someone at the same time. i know this is no good..and that i must find “myself” a better “self” but how, i dont wanna be normal, i don’t wanna face things expectedly i don’t wanna have dull conversations. i wasn’t like this before, it was too different.

anyway i am not depressed right now, i just had a moment of clarity earlier. i was thinking how i am not as open about my depression (only with my friends that are depressed or suffer from anxiety know because why not we are connected with this disease) so you gotta have a

although we don’t talk about it like before anymore..before we use to just laugh about it laugh about our depression and how it mocks us..sometimes it wasn’t funny and one of us had to run away and just well..laugh alone.

depression is so common..why do we act as if it’s something to be embarrassed about or hide it? i know it aint easy but for me it did feel like that.. as if it’s an excuse to let your life be the way it is and it really shouldn’t be. right? but we have no control. i know i loose control almost all the time.

my meds are helping me (sometimes) but theyre expected. i know ill fall asleep i know my mood might be neutral or balanced. not always but most of the time.

& when i find depression, i find an old friend.

#depression #anxitey #weird #thoughts #personality crisis

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