#i think i subconsciously equated memory and nostalgia. and i dislike the feeling of nostalgia so i avoided so many memories

[oatbugs]

thinking abt that psychology lecture where they taught us how thinking about good memories makes your life obiectively better over time

#personal #i think i subconsciously equated memory and nostalgia. and i dislike the feeling of nostalgia so i avoided so many memories #i asked the masters student if every love song he listens to is about philosophy and he said everything is #everything is about the thing you love if you love it enough. i saw a star through the london light pollution (caught in an eternal nightly #daylight) . i was with a friend and another friend who had just gotten an unexpected diagnosis #we told her congratulations you're autistic and that means you may now explore a revolutionary depth #inside yourself. and it was all still about philosophy. (you sent us back a letter in said in capital letters #THE UNIVERSE IS GOING TO CATCH YOU.) one day i grabbed my friends arm and we jumped over a rusted metal fence #the soap-beaten bleach-eaten clothes i was wearing at the time still smell like rust and metal #for a brief moment i sympathise with the rusted case of a computer i saw when i was 5. i wondered if it had died #violently. i am spending my life protecting their ability to learn. and each time i ask a neural network what led to its choice of #planetary object it gives me the same blank stare of a young child which is in truth a black box to drown in. #when i was too young and i used to think of death too often i imagined my body was a machine. i imagined #liquid gold around my joints. i could never hurt a machine. i could never hurt a body that was a machine. #my neuroscience professor paused after a long lecture and told us #your body is not a computer，it is a flawed and gooey and imprecise mechanism. your nervous sytem is an intricate machine. #is every song about philosophy? is every song about the way machines learn? on the weekend i ignore the parts of him that have #rotted and pull the passion right out of his nerves. he told me he needs a way to kickstart critical periods so that he may learn well agai #and i told him taking every drug on the planet wont make a clever brain cleverer. he confessed he didnt plan #on making it far enough for it to matter. i checked his pulse and i told him that his body is a liquid imprecise delicate machine. #sometimes you become terrible but you are not an exception to being a winged thing. if you hold me you will smell like metal for the rest #of your life.