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ranty9000 · 7 years

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A chronicle of me watching the film "white chicks"

okay so It started with two black fbi agents disguised as racist Mexican stereotypes. They failed a bust regarding ice cream bent code for cocaine and busting actual Ice cream guys

Why do comedies with little to no white characters think they can be even more racist than the white people they accuse of doing so

It’s like “the nutshack” all over again.

Here’s the “chief getting mad at the cop hero’s incompetence” trope. He’s Gonna put them on assignment in Iraq cuz their fuck up. Another duo consisting of a white dude and an ambiguously light Brown guy make fun of them with bad ice cream incompetence.

The girlfriend the one of them (I don’t know which one because I barely know either of them or even their names and so far their both bland as unflavored oatmeal) is upset because he was two minutes late to getting home and thinks she’s cheating on him.

“What could I possibly do anything so fast in those two minutes?”

She gives him a stare implying that’s how fast he is in bed with her, and no sound of laughter passes my lips.

This overbearing girlfriend and beaten down boyfriend cliche isn’t done to death At all. Oh and this ones name is Marcus

More ice cream jokes from the antagonist duo, our “heroes” make a “joke” about holding each others balls when they pee (what? That’s not what you hold when you go pee) and which one wipes (wouldn’t it be the other guy while one is on the John? This joke is bad in premise and execution)

The antagonist duo is working on the “Socialite kidnapping” case where someone has threatened to kidnap the daughters of the head of a local college. The “hero’s” are volunteered to pick them to set up a trap

Why is this a comedy again?

Oh Marcus called other one who’s name they haven’t said yet “blackie-chan” (WHAT-)

Oh Marcus is lactose intolerant, that totally isn’t a checkovs gun

So the girls arrive and despite being in their early 20s they greet the agents by saying “we already gave to the United negro fund”. I’ve never heard a rich young white chick call a black man a “negro” in the 21st century. I get they’re trying to make them shallow and shit but that’s unrealistic- oh now they gave the dudes the bags after they said they were going to the girls to the car.

Girls like this aren’t THIS kind of racist!

They can’t be from silicone valley and have the values of a stereotypical Texan yokel! They don’t fit!

Oh good… they have a Pomeranian…..

I’m only 15 minutes in? Oh good Lord. I’ll keep to highlights now.

The dog is out the window now oh no

Oh no they didn’t die from being hit by a truck

They just narrowly survived a horrible accident let’s make it humerous

She’s going to a self proclaimed bitch fit

They keep the girls in a room by saying they wouldn’t want anyone to see their “scars” (a light scratch on ones nose and the others lip), but they cant get them to the area where the trap is

Marcus says he is going to hang himself before the chief gets to him, sadly he doesn’t follow through.

The one that isn’t Marcus is lying to the chief over the phone coz one more screw up and it’s off to Iraq. The one that isn’t Marcus grabs marcus’ balls to stop him from admitting the truth

No laughs here

Okay so the disguise team (i think? They don’t say is gonna make them look like the girls now

I’m glad it’s more than sticking paint on their face and melons in their shirt but the guy freaked out when he felt the fake tits being put on him for some reason

“He’s right, make em bigger” says the head guy as i slowly die inside.

Oh Wait no it IS painting them white okay

The make up is somewhat decent, but here is where the “real humor” starts. So put on your hazmat suits.

The antagonist duo has to watch over the “girls” disguised as hotel staff and they take advantage of this by “mistaking” the ambiguously light brown guy for Mexican. Are they just racist to mexicans?

Haha their boobs are so big and knocking over things ha ha ha

They use plastic surgery to excuse their masculine facial features as well as make excuses for fake crabiness, actually decent writing here.

This is fleeting as guys are already planning to tap dat ass

Is that the chick who played lindsay in arrested development?

Are we doing a “your mother” competition right now. This film is sucking the humor out of me.

Another groin shot and mexican bashing.

Oh no one is getting attracted to the black publicist.

Oh good toilet humor and fart humor thanks chekovs gun

Lactose intolerance doesn’t work like that my family has two that are

Terry crews why are you here no….

“That’s what I’m talking about, a skinny white girl with a black ass”

Terry please no

Terry please god no

TERRY PLEASE NO

Did they do a “king king/ gorilla” joke to Terry and think since it’s really a black dude it’s okay.

Oh no

“Making my way downtown, walking past, and I’m home bound BENNA BA BENNA BA BENNA”

OBLIGATORY N-WORD AND RAP JOKE I REPEAT IT’S A CODE 19 EVERYONE GET DOWN.

Oh good dressing up tiiime and sex jokes greeeeaaat.

What is happening right now

I have no words, i think the Movie is having a stroke?

Oh no wait i think it’s me?

The antagonist duo is talking about what which older celebrity they’d bang as they keep an eye before they come back

And now not marcus Is trying to get her purse back coz it has the badge and gun, she ran fast and got it cuz I guess chicks like that can’t run fast???

There’s a subplot involving the guys that wanna tap that a girl looking like a she’s on cocaine coz Nose powder that’s all you need to know.

I wanna die

They’re doin the auction girl for charity thing and TERRY IS BACK OH GOD WHY

Oh wait it’s marcus wife and not girlfriend? Wtf

Oh good a sleepover

The black guy as a white girl is giving one girl corn rows OH NOOOO TUMBLR ALEERRRT

Oh good sex humour with dildos

I’m dead inside, like there’s nothing left… and there’s still another HOUR?! Children I’m not gonna make it…..

Oh good back to the dudes and banging celebs that have yeast infections- OH GOOD THE KIDNAPPING FROM BALD LACKIES oh they’re just strippers acting like kidnappers

“It’s part of their act”

Sadly it’s statistically a common kink of women for some reason

Beach scene now

Haha he’s actually black and throws football’s hard

Terry is too oiled up I’m scared OH GOD THAT’S HIS BULGE

“Swartzinegro”, that is all

Romance subplot with the publicist or whoever she is again no one cares and nothing super horrible or unfunny

AND ANOTHER SUBPLOT WITH THE WIFE THAT’S THE NAGGY BLACK GIRL TROPE AGAIN THAT’S GREAT

TERRY CREWS BEING ROMANTIC TO MARCUS WITH SAXOPHONE

TERRY LIKES THE SONG! MAKINH MY WAY DOWNTOWN, WALKING FAST, FACES PAST AND I’M HOME BOUND BADA BA BADA BA VXAGBCSG

STOP SINGING I’M THE DAD OF THE SWAMP CASTLE NOW

Oh good he did

I’m going to cry silently while this foot fetish shit is going on

Oyster is metaphor for pussy

More bland romance with not Marcus with awkward humor that’s just awkward

Same for Terry and marcus

Oh no mean doggo. Doggo mad. Doggo bite. Doggo please kill

Terry please stop I’m eating a carrot I’m gonna vomit

Oh he’s a basketball player OF COURSE HE IS

AND MORE FART HUMOR THANK YOU FOR THAT I STILL HAD A SHRED OF SANITY LEFT

More bland romance with not Marcus.

Make it end

She called the dog “nigga” as it’s funny coz it’s a black chick

Antagonist duo being creeps and finding out they’re dudes.

Drinks named after sex.

Terry putting drugs that arent roofies in the drink and my psychotic break is now complete

She switched them and pulled a “princess bride” tho

Eye candy skank sexy dance off I’m going to die this suddenly turned into a those dance movies with the cheerleaders and is just to fill time and the smut quot

Lol all black dudes can break dance you guys and it’s totally not stunt doubles

It’s 1 am right now and terry is high and ready to rape

Girl is spilling her guts litteraly and figuratively

High dog fucker and high Terry crews, wait wasn’t that shot from “it’s always sunny” with the glow sticks

Terry and high guy fucked

Marcus wife Subplot is back oh no.

Koolaid joke hahaha kill me

Why are the wives of black couples in comedies always so mean? I feel like that’s a stereotype that no one has acknowledged and is it’s just as bad as other tropes

The antagonists thought the real sisters were the fake and they were stripped and they were punched and it’s funny and the cheif knows and fired them and marcus is rightly leaving cuz is friend is an ass but he’s apologizing so let’s do the stupid plan and the identity of the bad guys is shown but I don’t remember who they are supposed to be.

The “heroes” are bringing the antagonist duo in cuz they were fired too and the “who’d you rather fuck” thing ISN’T FUNNY

TOKEN FLAMBOYANT GAY GUY RUNNING FASHION SHOW WHO IS CONFIRMED GAY HAHAHAHAHAHA THAT WASN’T OLD EVEN BEFORE THE GAY REVOLUTION NOT AT ALL

FAUX MEANINGFUL MUSHY GIRL SHIT

THE WIFE OF MARCUS AND HER FRIEND WITH NO NAME ARE STILL HERE.

TERRY GO AWAY

SWITCHAROO HUMOR HAHA

IT’S THE SWAN DRESS BOIIIIII

PRATFALLS AHAHAHAHA

The two bad mean got red paint splattered on them and it’s seen as visionary while they are embarrassed.

Oh good china is in the mix of racial insensitivity

Oh boy theyre fighting the bad guys now and she said you hit like bitch

The wifes friend calls backup their names are keisha, nay-nay, and laquonda

Yes really

Oh the dad of the mean girls is the bad guy okay

Is terry dead

Terry only cared that marcus wasn’t white and he goes “negro please”. Did they use up their n-bombs?

The romance plot wraps up (“this some jerry springer shit”) and both duos get their job back cuz it’s a cop movie trope.

Why does Marcus want this chick again.

“And they all stayed friends the end”

It’s been a two hour movie and i lost all sanity but the late time is also a factor

Let this be a warning not to let history repeat itself

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