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namuneulbo · 1 year

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week sixty-four

this week. woah. it was......... a lot.

well, to start off... i have a crush on v. i figured this out on monday and since then its gotten so severe lol. monday to friday was spent thinking ab him and also apparently not hiding it very well from l. ill come back to this later but this entire chapter will for sure be ab him and also in sm detail.

ive kind of talked a lot ab him and just my “new friends” in general a lot w l and my mom. i think my mom even has suspicions that i like either d or v (bc i talk ab them the most prob).

i started spamming n, s and t and also i, m and t ab him. i wont be able to cover what i told them all individually but n def received the most detailed info yet only one pic (WHICH WAS A HORRIBLY EMBARRASSING ONE I TOOK ON BEREAL WHEN IT CUT EVERYONE OUT AND THEIR POSES SO IT WAS JUST HIM NOT POSING AAAAA I FEEL LIKE A MOM WHO TAKES PICS OF HER KIDS WO CONSENT TT). i talked A LOT w s ab him too and w t i just spammed quickly on monday/tuesday i think, i cant bother checking. when i told i, m and t they immediately asked for a pic and i was scared theyd bully me lol but they said hes solid WOO! s approved of him too, saying the nail polish and his guitar made him seem very much like my type.

ill give u all who might be reading this a lil description of his pros. i would say a reminder to future me as well but yk maybe we end up together so :* heres what weve got so far:

- hes taller than me.

- has a niiiiiice voice.

- nice sense of style. its like basic as in plain colors (pretty much only black, hell wear white sweaters or super dark colors). it looks so good.

- hes a metalhead (+ we have two bands in common, ghost and polyphia).

- piercingssss!

- hes so talented, like he can play guitar, drums AND piano flawlessly.

- hes funny.

now to his cons: he’s not fully single. so. um. idk if theyre dating or in a situationship or just talking but its something for sureeee.

i dont ever want to like, break them up on purpose or like make moves on him while theyre talking bc im not a fucking douchebag. it is quite sad seeing them together though. i cant help but dislike the girl hes w a bit even though i dont want to, shes really cool and gorgeous and nice im just so O_o

on wednesday we had band class and i was MESMERIZED. he had a concert that same day so he was dressed up in a navy button-up, black jeans cuffed over a black pair of chelsea boots. i had to leave a couple times during practice bc i had to practice harmonies w the singers and i remember literally feeling sad ab not being able to stare at him playing the piano so perfectly.

in the evening i went out to the bar for the weekly music quiz they do. i went w a, c and v at first but later on d and p joined (not dan and phil sadly). i was super awkward lol but it was my first time hanging out w just them and it felt so,,,, new to me. im glad i did it though, ig? i got to see him even if it was awkward. also, i think d has my old backpack that i left to a thrift shop. its a floral pattern w black faux leather details and gold buttons. its quite cute and it fits him really well.

i did eventually warm up a bit but nothing crazy.

i was already comfy around c but after wednesday, i was also comfy around d. he was so nice that i even questioned if i liked him as well but turns out i was probably really desperate TT i tend to never be interested in ANYONE when i like someone and thats really obvious now. even though my chances w v r low, i still deleted all my dating apps and stuff bc i dont have the desire to go on them as of rn.

on friday i had been CRAVING a party to go to all day. i was just waiting for someone to send a message saying “yo, party at vs place!”. we usually party at his place. i literally ranted to my mom ab how bad i was hoping for someone to throw a party and this wasnt even just bc of getting to see v but i was genuinely so socially starved. finally, around 19:30 id say, someone sends a message in the class gc telling everyone ab a party at his place. i immediately message l begging for them to come w me and even saying if they dont, ill go either way bc i want to go so bad. they end up declining and i go to the party myself. i get ready in a few minutes, just fixing my day-old makeup and eating and drinking water and stuff so i wont throw up the second i drink alcohol. i was so quick and i was walking w such speed around the house so i think my mom has probably started to connect the dots now that theres someone i like bc im never that excited ever. i leave along w my mom who took the dog out for a walk. since v lives so nearby she walked w me pretty much the entire way.

id never usually be this confident but i had been talking w s the entire day and she hyped me up SO much. i actually love her sm for that. i arrive there, v throws down his keys from the balcony, i catch them and go up to his apartment. i was a tad bit quiet in the beginning but i really tried to force myself to just relax and look cool and i did after a little while. we blasted metal and one of the first things they did was that everyone of them, c, d and v, went out for a smoke so i joined in even though i dont smoke but i enjoyed the lil passive smoking sesh on the tiny balcony, stuck behind d and v.

(bereal just went off, vs so cute).

anyways, i quite quickly felt more relaxed, i kinda forced myself to sit more,, relaxed and stop fidgeting and i got more included in the convo by queueing songs to play. i first asked v to queue kingslayer by bmth and babymetal and he was super excited ab it so i was so glad he liked it. we listened to it on a party a whileeee ago and i remember being so excited ab the fact that he liked that song too. a had arrived by now and hes v good to have there in that sense that he will make me join in the convo somehow if i havent talked in a while. he made me queue another song and i queued drowning lessons by mcr. i was so caught by surprise and i always get so shit at using tech shit and the internet in front of ppl, idk why, so v started guiding me on what buttons to press TT i hadnt thought of drowning lessons in the first place actually but i just kind of naturally went w mcr for some reason and then ended up choosing my fav song by them. we listened to it and v was like “DID HE JUST VOICE BREAK???” and i was like “oh, maybe? i mean its their first album so the mixing and recording might be a bit shit” and he replayed the part and was like “THERE IS A VOICE BREAK!” and c started explaining to him in distress that its just how u sing punk TT after a while v was like “its still going? how long is it?” and checked and it was right before the outro and i was like “waittt, we havent gotten to the best part yet!” and he leaves it and the breakdown comes and he does a stankface and just looks at me like “oh, a breakdown ending, hell yeah!” and i was so happy haha

last song i queue is taking you out by passcode. as i was typing it v read out what i was typing and kept guessing songs, heh, it was so cute. he asked me ab the band and stuff and then said like “oh, she growls really well for a woman” and the proceeds to elaborate in distress that he didnt mean it in a misogynistic women-cant-growl type of way but in a its-genuinely-harder-for-a-woman-to-do-metal-growls. it was quite cute, he tends to do that a lot, like overexplaining things so ppl dont think hes being a dickhead even though he says very normal things TT its so cute and it really shows that he cares.

i mentioned that i was ab to start learning growling w my vocal teacher and how she also said she wants to get the singer of finntroll to come and teach growling to me (WHICH IS SO COOL???). v was like “oh my god, im also ab to practice growling w my vocal teacher” and then when i told him ab the singer of finntroll thing he got so excited and just “what??? for real??? thats so cool???” and proceeds to be like “omg, when ur w him tell him uve got a friend who wants to have a lesson w him too” and c joins in and says the same. i felt so cool in that moment haha

me, c and d went out to go meet the ppl from school who had been touring all week. before we left i went to pee and literally on the toilet i was smiling sm bc i felt so comfy and happy and all that in that moment like, i was talking to him??? and he was talking back???? and he smiled???? he wanted to talk to me????? i did a lil happy jump sesh after i washed my hands. then otw to school, me, c and d were jumping around and running and yelling. them bc they were drunk, me bc i was so excited abt finally feeling comfy w them + obviously getting to talk to v successfully after crushing so hard on him the past week. i was so happy too bc i finally felt like i kind of belong. i felt for the first time true that like “oh my god, they dont hate me!”. so while meeting the ppl at school i was sooooo happy and like greeting everyone and just smiling and feeling so cool and included and aaaaaaa i was so happy i cant even explain it. c and d r the coolest ppl ever!!!

we went back w s + we left d behind for a bit, sorry d!! now this was when i was truly connecting the dots between s and v. partypooper. i did tag along to the bar w all of them afterwards though. i just went by my place to eat something and get my id.

i arrived to the bar and i sat down next to c at first but later moved next to d so i could sit on the couch. me and c went to buy drinks and then d left to go smoke. there was an awkward space between me and v so i tried to subtly move closer to him and later when d came back he just sat in the spot i sat earlier so i sat between him and v.

more ppl arrived and i ended up becoming squished between d and v. NOW THIS. this changed me as a whole human being. i have been terrified of men all my life and w not specific reason bc the thing is that its not rooted in like, being scared that theyll do something, i just genuinely get more tense around men than women. this moment was so, special to me and not just bc i was squished next to v and our arms and legs were in constant touch but like, i got this kind of realization that, maybe i dont need to be nervous. like, theres nothing to worry ab. i trust d and v. theyre really nice. d i was already comfy w since wednesday and v i just that evening got comfy w. although i am touch deprived i really just,,, felt so happy, safe and relaxed in a group if people, in the middle of two men. i didnt feel the need to fidget out of nervousness and stuff. i was just, calm.

v looks over at me and asks me how drunk im planning to get. he himself says he wants to be so drunk he throws up. i jokingly reply saying i dont want to throw up. he starts showing me a scale w his hands, going down from ten and giving each level its own name so like “this is throw up drunk, this is like this and this is that...” and i end up saying i wanna get slighty above drunk and hes just like “so like a six?” and i nod. he says something along the lines of “thats cool, thats solid”.

later a girl sits next to d and begins talking w her. he starts whispering w v over my lap and i just sit there laughing awkwardly, hoping someone would notice and laugh w me as well. they dont talk for too long but they do this again later and talk for like two minutes straight over my lap and i just use this time to admire vs back and his ear piercings. d apologises and i chuckle and tell him its fine and that i didnt mind (i really did not bc i am truly so touch-starved). d later tells me ab this girl and bc of the music he has to really be close to my ear and talk w me. we talk like that for a while and he says hes glad i understand his situation. long story short, this girl had apparently been trying to flirt w him even though he has a girlfriend. i think he handled the situation really well.

v once again looks over at me, this time as were both kind of resting against the booth, bodies facing each other. he just asked how i was feeling today but it felt so intimate and i was savoring the conversation and eye contact as much as i could. i told him that i was really craving social interaction today so i was really glad i could tag along w them. he acted a bit funnily so i asked him how drunk he was. he said he feels a bit sick. idk why but that convo was so :’) i am TREASURING it.

him and s decided to leave, making almost everyone else leave. i stayed for a bit w a and c and some other unknown ppl but decided to leave after a bit. while me, a and c went out when they went to smoke i saw a bunch of ppl from both elementary and middle school. d, l, n and t. i was kind of hoping one of them wouldve noticed me earlier while i was w v and all the others so they could be like “omg shes sitting next to two guys, i wonder if shes dating anyone of them” or like “omg she has such cool friends now”.

okay, thats all on friday. saturday however, i met up w l for a bit, i tell them ab my crush on v. i sit them down, hold their hands and keep eye contact.

“so on wednesday we had a conversation on tiktok and i talked ab how boy obsessed i am feeling these days, right?”

they continue looking at me, asking me if this is ab e. i dont tell them yet.

“so after i said that, u said ‘well as long as its not d or v bc ik theyre the only friends we have but i assure u there r better alternatives’”

they begin staring at me in shock and yell:

“l! not them, omg! which one is it- no, wait. let me guess... d?”

i look at them for a bit before replying: “its not d.”

“ITS V? L, NO U CANT!” and they kick me as im laughing so hard im falling of the bed.

“IT IS! i have a fucking crush on v!”

we talk ab this for a while and i tell them ab friday and all that and it was sm fun lol

after me and l ahd hung out i went out to a proper party held at school. like dancing-beer-pong-bar kind of party. i met d and some others outside of the enterance and say hi. i then go inside and immediately meet c and c. they bring me to the dance floor and shows me where all the drinks r and everything. i see v playing beer pong. i dont like dancing at all so i join for a bit but leave soon enough. i sit and talk w a for a while. when v sat down on the same couch i was in i told a who was sitting on the other side that she could sit down on the couch properly instead of just sitting on the armrest and so she did and my evil plan worked, i got to move even closer to v. after a while it was finally our turn to play beer pong, we played w just water though. it was my first time playing and i was in the same team as a. she was so good? we played again v and two others. it was so humilating to play against v but my team won thanks to a. she was really awesome. during our last cup, v tried distracting me by hovering his hands over the cup but it literallyt made me aim better bc i could look at his hands TT he only distracted me w his hands and never a.

i left after s arrived to the party bc i got so sad seeing her w v lol but i was overwhelmed by the party anyways lol

sotw: bring me the horizon - alligator blood

#diary #tumblr diary #namuneulbo

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gremlin-named-kas · 3 years

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Do them all. Do it do it

Oh fuck me

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

Absolutely (it's my gf)

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?

Fuck no

3. Have you taken someones virginity?

Yeap

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

Damn right it is.

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

Sadly no

6. What are you excited for?

Eventually moving in with my gf.

7. What happened tonight?

Lol nothing. Came from work. Been watching futurama and random scary shit on youtube. Gonna smoke soon.

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

I wouldn't say disgusting. Everyone deserves to get wasted every now and then.

9. Is confidence cute?

Yes but over confidence is gross

10. What is the last beverage you had?

Arizona Green Tea

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

Not including parents, 1.

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

All my jeans are skinny jeans.

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?

Either be at work, play some video games, or get stoned and watch a horror movie

14. What are you going to spend money on next?

Idk prob food or gas.

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

Why yes. Yes I am.

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

Clothes? Absolutely. As a person hopefully for the better.

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

My girlfriend @septempermental

18. The last time you felt broken?

Truly broken? Several years ago.

19. Have you had sex today?

Nope.

20. Are you starting to realize anything?

Uh no?

21. Are you in a good mood?

Currently yes.

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

Have before. On purpose and on accident.

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

Honestly that's a good question that I don't know. But I don't think so. I think my eye color is unique to my family.

24. What do you want right this second?

I wanna get through all these fucking questions

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

I'd be upset prob.

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

Yes and no. Still got some pink in my hair but covid hair has really tried to grow out the pink.

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

Fuck no.

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

I think today at work. Ill be honest. I got shit memory so I don't fucking know what it was.

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

Oh absolutely. My gf and I are long distance. Miss the fuck out of her.

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

Everybody? No. It always depends on what someone did.

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

Nah, he just got a little too drunk on our first date for me to continue it.

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

Absolutely she does. Love ya babe

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

Nah had a coke the other day.

34. Listening to?

Easier to just link my playlist.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1KWmFBITDwnkXfc8pTEOh8?si=ocglWqFHQKG7FfD-uvlqhA

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1Dh5vWshjAqCEwNXzLyBTg?si=gjsUnjBGSembQLJMVZ_O-g

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

Prob haven't since college.

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

Prob in her bed or in her living room.

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Yes.

38. Who did you last call?

My gf.

39. Who was the last person you danced with?

My gf. But not for long (I was being an idiot)

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

Because I love her.

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

Good fucking question.

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

Nah one live across the country from me. The other has covid.

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

Oh absolutely

44. Do you tan in the nude?

I don't go out of my way to tan. Don't wanna get my tats faded

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

Nope.

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

Not last night.

47. Who was the last person to call you?

A robocaller/spam call

48. Do you sing in the shower?

Nah got roommates.

49. Do you dance in the car?

Dance? No. Belt out singing? YES

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

Yes. Used to go to ren fest all the time.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

A buddy took a portrait of me while we were urban exploring.

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

Nah I love them.

53. Is Christmas stressful?

Can be depending on your situation.

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

Nope.

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

The one my gf makes. It's an apple pie.

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

Pokemon Master, pro skateboarder, pro gamer

57. Do you believe in ghosts?

Absolutely.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

All the time.

59. Take a vitamin daily?

Yeap

60. Wear slippers?

Nope

61. Wear a bath robe?

Nope

62. What do you wear to bed?

Underwear

63. First concert?

Rob Thomas. (Not by choice. First by choice was Foo Fighters)

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

Target

65. Nike or Adidas?

Vans.

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?

Hot Cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

Neither. Can't eat nuts or seeds.

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?

Haven't really listen to Tswift enough to have a fav song. Have seen her live tho. She's really good live.

69. Ever take dance lessons?

Never.

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

What ever makes them happy.

71. Can you curl your tongue?

Yep.

72. Ever won a spelling bee?

Nah too dumb

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

Nope.

74. What is your favorite book?

Perks of Being a wallflower

75. Do you study better with or without music?

With. But can't have lyrics. Lofi and orchestra soundtracks from movies.

76. Regularly burn incense?

Haven't in a while. But used to.

77. Ever been in love?

Currently am.

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

TSSF, NoFx, MGK, Green Day, Rage against the machine, too many more to count.

79. What was the last concert you saw?

Colorado Punk band In the Whale. They are fucking fantastic. Highly recommend them.

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

Cold

81. Tea or coffee?

Coffee

82. Favorite type of cookie?

Sugar.

83. Can you swim well?

Absolutely. Surf every now and then too.

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

Yep

85. Are you patient?

I hope so.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?

Band

87. Ever won a contest?

Nothing major.

88. Ever have plastic surgery?

Nope

89. Which are better black or green olives?

I don't like olives

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

Uh who gives a shit. You do you.

91. Best room for a fireplace?

Living room? Where else would you have one?

92. Do you want to get married?

Yes.

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