#i won't lie but they are sooo boring. where is the mess? where is the freaky nature? where is the substance?!

[isabelleisashethem]

of how a playlist came to be

i'm posting this here, because I need this story to be told. (also, all the sad girl posts are abt him, sooo)

April 12, 2021

Haie, so, this girl just went through heartbreak and decided to create a playlist to cope. lol.

and here's the story of that playlist.

Listen to the playlist here.

(I'm sorry if the rain sounds were overpowering,I was scared of copyright lol)

This year was difficult. With the pandemic, and online classes, and family problems. Honestly, at some point, I didn't think that I would last and reach 2021. I was under so much stress and anxiety and was slowly losing my mind (as we all were).

But, despite all the mess, I managed to push through. You can ask me why because I'll tell you.

Someone was there for me. Despite not even knowing me last school year, he was the first to ask me how I was after I threw all my rants on Twitter. He was the first person that cared for me enough to see how I was doing. He is the reason why I'm still here.

Because he was essentially a stranger, I found myself telling him my problems, and he was always there for me. He was there for every breakdown, he was there whenever I lost my mind, he was there for me during my darkest days and he was there for me if I needed to ground myself.

He was there to make me laugh, and make me smile. He was there for the small victories and the accomplishments.

We became friends. Whenever we had a problem, we would tell each other about it. Whenever we see one rant on Twitter, we talk about it. We spent so much time talking to each other, to the point where I started to catch feelings.

A thing about me is, whenever I started catching feelings, it won't be intense. I'll only feel some butterflies, or the occasional "kilig", and when I knew that they liked someone else, I wouldn't mind, at all.

But then he came.

He made me feel alive, for the first time in a long time. His words were symphonies and his voice was a song. He made me feel extraordinary whenever he talked to me. For once in my boring life, he made me feel special (no, that is not a kpop reference, lol) when I thought that I was ordinary.

With him, suddenly love songs made sense, rom-coms were real, and hope was everywhere.

He would send me songs about love and give me anime recommendations. He would join me if I wanted to watch a movie with him. We would play tic-tac-toe or Pictionary and even among us online, he even taught me how to play chess once. He would stay with me at the end of google meets so we could talk more without other people; talk with just the two of us.

This boy made me overthink so much and made me feel such extreme feelings that he would sometimes be the reason why I lost my mind.

As we talked more, I felt myself start to fall. So I told him. I told him so I can clear things in my mind. I told him because I didn't want to hope for anything. Still, after I told him, everything felt more blurry, everything more unclear.

I still liked him.

His comforting words still meant the world to me. He was still the most important person in my life. Even when I tried to "uncrush" him, I couldn't, because I was really falling for this guy.

I also had this other friend. She was the person that I would run to whenever I had problems with him (lol, that is really funny now) because he tended to lead people on. I told her mostly everything because they were close too.

We became the closest among our friend group of 5.

I think you can see where this is going.

We would have jam sessions on discord, and we would chat on our group server. They would usually talk to each other and I would lay low most times (by lay low, I mean as they talk to each other with the microphones, I would react on the chatbox lol). There were also times where I caught them laughing and having inside jokes that I wasn't a part of.

I only truly saw their chemistry when we had the chance to see each other on our graduation pictorial. I noticed how extremely close they were with each other. I saw how cute they were together (because they really were). I saw how they light up when they were talking and how they were low-key inseparable.

That day I decided that I should get ahold of myself. It was clear that I wasn't gonna be that person for him. I felt the hope fade slowly,

but hope was still there.

When the day was over, and everyone was leaving, we decided to commute together because we had the same route home. All the rides were full, so we walked.

That walk was a bad idea. Commuting together was a bad idea. Being alone with him was a bad idea.

We started to talk, about life, and other things. Eventually, the conversation led to the fact that I liked him.

I told him about how he was different from my other crushes, and how strong my feelings for him were. He also knew how I never had anything remotely romantic happen in my life.

so he made me hold his hand,

and I did.

For around 10 minutes, maybe less, our hands were intertwined, and my sweaty palms were against his. For that short interval of time, I felt myself hope again, and I finally admitted to myself that I fell in love with this person.

I FAKEN FELT LIKE THE MAIN CHARACTER FOR THE FIRST TIME.

only for it to be taken back a few days later.

I assumed that I was the person he liked, because why would he do that if I wasn't. Why would he hold my hand after telling him how strong my feelings were for him?

Why did he feel the need to take a moment from me?

Surely he liked me too, right?

I found out that he liked my friend, not me.

That was the first time he was actually clear about the person he liked.

I was devastated, at the same time excited. I was really happy for them.

But I can't deny the fact that I was hurt.

The night I found out, I wanted to chop my whole arm off. I wanted to scrub the skin that held his hand off my body. I wanted to erase all the memories that I had of him

All the words that he told me, all the things that made me fall for him was a lie.

His words that once felt like symphonies were out of key. All the moments I had with him darkened. Everything was a fabrication of what I hoped it was.

That night, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that two people found their way to each other, while I was in so much pain.

I realized that everything meant nothing to him,

but his nothing meant everything to me.

I realized that I was led on from the beginning. I realized that maybe I was just a way to get to her.

He made me fall for him, as he was falling for her.

It broke me for a couple of days, but at the same time, I was extremely grateful.

Yes, I did fall for him and became a clown to his ways, but at the same time, I was also learning how to love myself.

I already saw how he treated me from the beginning. I already saw how much he led me on, and I saw his red flags. At the time, I was still stupid so I ignored them, but I've always told myself that I was worth more than what he was making me feel.

I learned to know my worth, and I eventually learned how to love myself, even on bad days.

I like to think that this heartbreak was given so that I could at least experience a broken heart before the right person comes into my life.

And I know that they will eventually come.

Now, we're on good terms, more or less.

We would still talk from time to time, and I really am incredibly supportive of their relationship.

Yes, it still hurts seeing them together, but why should I be the roadblock to their happiness?

What he did to me was not okay, and it never will be, but I learned that forgiving him was the best way for me to finally heal.

Also, even though most of what I thought of him was a lie, our friendship was still real. I'm still really grateful to have him in my life because he was the person I could trust with my secrets, and he was the person who pulled me back to reality when I was losing myself.

To this person, lol, if you are reading this.

Sorry for breaking my promise (lol kaso u broke my heart, char), and thank you for the lessons and for being there for me.

To anyone who happens to stumble along with this playlist, I want you to know that you are strong.

I want you to know that your feelings are valid, and this pain that you may be feeling is okay.

Even though you weren't in a relationship, what you felt was real, and I think that it's wonderful. It's wonderful that you were able to feel this much for them.

I know that someday, you're going to find somebody who is right for you. Who will never make you feel like an option, and will never let you down.

Someone who will care for you, as you cared for the person you are thinking about right now. Someone who will hold your hand, and have it mean something. Someone who can make you feel special, and loved.

But as we wait I hope you know that

you are valid, and you are always worth it.

xoxo

(here's the Spotify code lol)

#heartbreak #crush #unrequited love #playlist #idk why i fell for him but he was literally the bare minimum lol #i became gay after this HAHAHAHAHA #he was also leading another girl on while leading me on while pursuing his crush sooo #story