#i'm not even saying this to be edgy or depressed i made peace with it like aye fuck it

[mishkakagehishka]

But anyway plans for tomorrow: i'll wake up and say i'm gonna study and then i won't, i'll have a breakdown while preparing lunch at 5pm and then try to study english while crying, go to bed at 3am having done nothing.

#damn guys i'm beginning to think i'm the problem #i am tho and that's okay #not everyone's built for this world yanno #i'm not even saying this to be edgy or depressed i made peace with it like aye fuck it #shrugs. i'll suffer and i'll take six years to finish a three year undergrad programme but whatevs. no big deal. #it's gonna be alright #on the bright side if i don't pass syntax i can't take syntax 2 so i'll have less classes to attend and less exams to sit #yknow? positive sides #it'll be alright. what's important is that i don't get myself to an attempt bc that'll make my dad sad and people talk bad about my parents

[bakugouscentedcaramel]

Fuck yeah let's do it

Time to get personal

1) What song makes you feel better?

Honestly a number of songs make me feel either happy or pumped but Goldfish Crackers by Gold Revere and Sunday Best by Surfaces are the sure-fire way to kickstart the serotonin production

2) What's your favorite feel-good movie?

Honestly probably any Disney movie. They just remind me of simpler times

3) What's your favorite candle scent?

Anything that smells like flowers or nature! I especially love scents that remind me of water for some reason. My favorite perfume smells exactly like a lake and I ritually soak myself in it

4) What flower would you like to be given?

It's guaranteed that I will cry if anyone gives me any flower, but my favorites would have to be orchids or lilies

5) Who do you feel most you around?

Honestly my dad, we're pretty much carbon copies of each other and share the same humor so I feel 100% comfortable with him. I even recently came out to him that I was Bi and he was so supportive about it that I cried about it later that night. We're even planning on getting matching back pieces eventually

6) Say three nice things about yourself (three physical and three non-physical)

Oh geez, my self worth is non existent so this took me a while

- my eyes

- my hair (when it's not overgrown like it is now)

- my calves weirdly enough

- my work ethic

- my humor

- my attention to detail

7) What color brings you peace?

Honestly blues and purples make me relax for some odd reason, bonus points if they're iridescent

8) Tag someone or multiple people who make you feel good

Oof obviously @thebo0knerd, @honestcactus, @prussianengel, @americanbeautea, and all of y'all

9) What calms you down?

Just being alone listening to music tends to calm me down, but the binging of Tik Tok and ironically creepypasta/scary story asmr helps too

10) What is something you're excited about?

My laptop! I'm almost able to buy it! It'll probably take a couple more paychecks but here's to an upgrade!

11) What is your ideal date?

Honestly just a trip to the mall followed by binging an anime, I'm a simple girl

12) How are you?

Honestly I've been in the dumps for the past month and a half. I've been working a lot with the public so that's always a fluctuating factor. I think I just need to move somewhere out of this godforsaken town and start somewhere fresh. Without the past constantly bringing me down

13) What's your comfort food?

Mozzarella sticks! In particular Denny's mozzarella sticks. My father would take me to Denny's as a treat whenever he got me for the weekends. He knew how bad it was when I was living with my mother and there's just a lot of comfort in those little artery cloggers

14) Favorite feel-good show?

Honestly a few animes! Right now its Haikyuu, Fire Force, and now Avatar. They're all just so inspiring and funny; they're all a great mood lifter

15) For every emoji you get, tag someone and describe them in one word

🥺 @1a-imagines Direct Ray of Sunshine

🥺 @honestcactus Mood of 2020

💕 @americanbeautea Deity Goals

💕 @awkward-tension Angst Lord

💕 @desperatelittledemon CEO of "Shut Up Val"

16) Compliment the person who sent you this number

All of y'all mean the world to me and I'm always here to listen if y'all want to talk 🥺💖

17) Fairy lights or LEDs?

Why not both? I feel like LEDs are nice but nothing can beat fairy lights above your bed on a stormy day

18) Do you still love stuffed animals?

Of course! I still have most of my childhood stuffed animals and I still mourn my favorite one my mom threw away when I was 9

19) Most important thing in your life?

Oh jeez, I'm not trying to sound edgy or anything but I don't think I have anything important in my life. Obviously I value my sister friends but depression makes shit hard

20) What do you want to do most in the world right now?

Launch all the boomers and Karens into orbit

But honestly I want to start living for myself.

Like I feel like I've only been doing what people tell me to do and going wherever they go and I'm tired of it.

It's time I forge my own path

21) If you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

"Blood doesn't bind you, friendship does"

22) What would you say to your future self?

"Ayo bitch good luck"

Just kidding

"It's okay to give yourself permission, no one is holding you down anymore, it's okay"

23) Favorite piece of clothing?

Honestly nothing yet, all of my clothes are either hand me downs or plain clothes. I'm planning on doing a complete wardrobe change so I can dress how I want

24) What's something you do to de-stress?

I'm an avid gamer so I'm always playing some game, anywhere from PS4 to switch, to phone games. They just help get my mind off of things

25) What's the best personal gift a person could give you? (Playlist, homemade card, etc.)

Honestly anything! I've never really gotten anything that was handmade, Book made me a couple paintings and I treasure them

26) What movie would you like to live in?

Avatar tbh (AND YES IT UNFORTUNATELY COUNTS) just the idea of a simple life with a bit of elemental powers is just appealing to me, I feel like I'd be a water bender

27) Which character would you like to be?

Oof all of the dead ones

I mean

Ms. Kobayashi

A normalish life with dragon waifus? Sign me up!

28) Hugs or hand holding?

Hugs, honestly I'm so touch starved I'd probably cry if I got a genuine hug

29) Mornings, Afternoons, or Nights?

Late nights and early mornings, basically times where everyone else is asleep are just especially peaceful to me

30) What reminds you of home? (Things that remind you of the feeling of home)

I've got a very fucked up idea of home. I was raised in a military household so home was never a location, neither was having long-term friends. Not to mention after I lived with my ex for a year I've got an even more corrupt understanding of home.

But if I had to summarize it just anywhere I feel the safest, which generally means my bed

#valvent #ask val #ask game #yeehaw feelings #man i feel nakey now #like emotionally nakey

[ramblinginsecurities]

DEPRESSIVE RANT WARNING!!!! POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!!!!

********The following is the rant I sent him. Note, this rant contains Self fat shaming, depressive thoughts, and references to wanting to commit suicide*******??

If I had to give my mind an image, then it’s Carnival glass. The type that are in fun houses. Built like a maze. You look in and the image is all distorted. But the edges are sharp and if I touch or fall onto them then I bleed out. I bleed out until I’m too tired to move.

I bump into them all the time. I bleed out all the time. I impale myself on them. I wish for it to end all the time. To die all the time.

The only peace I get is those rare sleeping spells were my mind is blank and black. I know I’m sleeping but I can’t think. My demons can't taunt me then. 

One of the mirrors holds my image. I’m fat and I’m ugly and I want to cry when I see it. I don’t think that’s  illusion, but the reality. The illusion is the me in my mind outside the mirror. So pretty and skinny and cute. And confident. The me in the mirror is scared. And mumbles “I’m fat.” Under her breath constantly. And if I stare long enough then I start to repeat her, but louder. Sometimes they hear me, but they ignore it.

They agree with the me in the mirror. They just are too polite to say it.

I know how to change this. I just need to work out. Walk more, bike more, lift more. Eat better, eat less.

And I try. But then it does nothing. The scale reads heavier. My stomach grows bigger. I'm awash with self doubt and continously ask myself “is this worth it? Is it working?”

“Well you’d be healthier if you lost weight.” I know. I’m trying.

Somedays I contemplate not eating. Some days I have to force myself to eat something, anything. Somedays I have to remind myself that if the healthy food isn’t there that I still need to eat becuse not eating is “worse”.

Somedays I don’t have the will or energy to cook. Somedays I ask others to. On the worst days I’ll beg others to.

Most days I’m told no, there’s food at home, I can do it myself.

Somedays I just want to die.

I don’t focus on that mirror unless I look at a real one. Or get dressed. Hence why I try to avoid them, and change only once a day if I can help it. Sometimes not at all.

Other mirrors pop up randomly in the maze.

Multiple  mirrors reflect my self doubt.

Like my insecurites about how others think of me. They hate me. I’m  annoying.

One of them is for what I do. I’m never good enough. I always do things wrong. It replays my problems, things that I’ve tried so hard to fix, that I’ve made plans on how to “fix” but still failed, on a repeated loop.

I can’t even put Kiddo’s shoes on correctly.

I can’t even do basic math.

I can’t even remember to do basic things. Like switch the laundry. Or do something at a specific time. I’m forever forgetful and an incoveience. Maybe it’d just be better if I was gone, and not an inconvience or an obstacle anymore.

I’ve become so accustomed to self medicating this. Simple repetive tasks. Feeling like I’m acomplishing something. I’m not a fuck up. I can do this.

It’s why I don’t leave work. In the kennels I’m doing something. In the kennels I help the dogs/cats and I get rewarded with love and affection. I don’t fuck up to them.

Some days I get the urge to “fix” things. To clean the rooms that make me want to go sleep. I get a little bit in and stop. I can’t deal with it. I just want to stop. Start over. Run away to somewhere clean. Somewhere with nothing in it. Not even me. Especially not me.

Another mirror is my sexuality. That’s gotten better by stopping the meds. But I’m never sexy enough, I never want sex enough, I never want it at the right times, I always do things that prevent it from being possible for long periods of time. I'm too vanilla, I’m too merciless, I don’t have enough dexterity to try new positions. I never feel enough, I’m always worried I’m faking it. Am I? I don’t know.

“It’s fine.” No, it’s not. I see it on your face and in your eyes everytime I say anything or say no.

“I’m used to it.” The unhappiness radiates from you with each word. I want to scream.  A gutteral, anguished scream. 

That’s why I suggested the open relationship. I want to see you happy. I need to see you happy. I need to know I’m not taking you with me.

The mirror that lurks by this one reflects how much I don’t make you happy. Every moment of anger, every tear. I prick my finger on it and I start gushing out all of my blood. It’s why I get edgy. I’m trying to stop the hemorrhaging. 

I see how you are with everyone else. Happy. Happy to see them. Happy to be with them. No anger. You focus back on me and I’ve fucked up again. You’re disapointed, you’re angry. I get so scared it’ll be the end. The last straw. But I can’t fix it. Sometimes I think we’re doing great and it’s back.

Every time you look at me endearingly I can’t believe it. You’re faking it, you’re lying. To me, to yourself. Jump ship. Leave. It’s drowning anyways. Don’t drown too. You only drown when I’m with you. 

And then like clockwork the problems are back. I’m always waiting with baited breath, the list of how I've failed you again. And that list is different each day.

The other mirror is kiddo. Somedays… somedays all the pain goes away with this mirror. Somedays I hold this mirror tight, never wanting to let go. Somedays, I’m good enough. Somedays, I don’t fuck up.

Most days, it’s a bandage. Most days a smile keeps me from giving up completely.

Bad days, I’m a total fuck up. A horrible mom.

I don’t deserve him. I don’t desrve to live.

Bad days I can’t hold his hand. Bad days he needs to be away from me. It hurts. I want to walk away. If I make him go to you and walk away slowly you’d never notice. I could disapear into the crowd.

Bad days you push him back repeatedly and I want to scream. I’m agitated.

Don’t leave him with me. I'm tainted. I'm poison. 

He’s going to end up fucked up like me.

I distance myself. I try to self medicate by distration. If I can’t think, I won’t feel. I wait for the storm to pass. Some days takes longer than others. Sometimes I need to sleep it off. Others I wait days until it’s gone.

Sleep instead of answer the call to sever the blue jutting out from my skin. Would it hurt? Or would I stop hurting?

I stare at my hands and wrists a lot.

Sometimes I distance myself because it’ll be harder to miss something that you felt was never there to begin with. Maybe it'll be better then.

Somedays I have the energy to try and fix things. It’s limited energy and I know it. I try to fix everything and I stretch too thin. I burn out. Instead of being fixed it’s worse than when I started. So I try to focus on one problem at a time. And then the rest get worse. And very little progress is made. So I alternate and it still doesn’t help.

I ask for help and I’m told sure but nothing gets better. It never gets better. It always gets worse.

Why can’t I just do everything at the same time like a normal person?

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

Maybe I need help? I laugh. Right help. Help when I can’t open up. When I’m afraid of the verdict if I do. 

I can’t lose him. I can’t lose him. I can’t. 

Then I’ll just give in.

 How can I ask for help when no one knows I need it? When I can smile even when I’m dead and numb. When I can fool even myself in to thinking that I’m alright.  I’m doing better.

Kill me. Laugh it off. It’s a joke. It’s a joke.

It’s  not.

I’m too afraid to do it myself. I’ll end up regreting if it takes too long. I’ll change my mind. I cant do it quick because what if I would (change my mind)?

If someone does it for me then it’s for the best. It’s not my choice. It was just deemed better that way.

Just take him to the park. Just throw the ball around with him.

How do you expect me to have the motivation or energy to do those things when I don’t have the motivation or energy to breathe? To existe?

I just want to lay down and die. I just want to forget to breathe.

Autopilot on numb.

Please just kill me.

#suicidal thoughts #suicide #kill me #rant #deprssion #weight problems #fat shaming