#i've never really had what one could call a healthy social life lol

[stellacendia]

I've got a complicated history with the concept of romance. I had a relationship in high school that, while technically romantic, was more or less "I like you the same amount as my other friends except we kiss sometimes." I've always had friendships that were incredibly intense, at least on my end. And when the person on the other end of that friendship was single, I felt that intensity was... more or less returned enough for me to be content. Not everyone values friendships like I do, I get it. Good enough for me.

Then that friend would get a romantic partner, and suddenly it felt like I mattered way less. And, god, I've always tried to be reasonable about it, I've tried to be understanding and nice. Of course my friend wants to spend a lot of time with their partner, especially when the relationship is new. Of course the partner is important too, of course romance is important to my friend. I can't be selfish and deny my friend time with their partner. I should try to be friends with the partner so that we can all spend time together. No, it's definitely not third-wheeling, not when we're all friends with each other!

But yeah, I felt replaced. Also horribly guilty for feeling replaced, but to me.... that friend was the most important person in the world. I'd do anything for that person, no questions asked. Follow them to the ends of the earth, let my entire universe revolve around them. (Is this healthy? Maybe not. Probably not. Did it anyway. Don't know how not to.) And it just fucken sucks when that person simply won't offer the same devotion in return. They'll offer it to their romantic partner, because the romantic partner is always more important than any platonic relationships. They'll offer it conditionally to me, when they're between relationships, only to drop me again the moment they start up another romance.

It's this messy cycle that keeps me endlessly questioning whether or not I'm really aromantic. Cause most of the time I feel like I am! I do not and have never needed romance. And then I catch myself daydreaming about a future where I have a partner that acts in all the ways a romantic partner does and have a mini identity crisis.

And I think, I've figured it out. I don't actually want a romantic relationship. What I want is for someone to finally offer me back the same kind of devotion most commonly found in romantic relationships, the same kind of devotion I offer my closest friends. For once I want to be somebody's most important person, instead of always being second best.

#stella speaks #personal #i need some fucken therapy #i wish it was as simple as 'well just don't sink so much into the friendship then' but unfortunately it's not #i didn't exactly choose to attach myself so firmly to any of the friends i did this with #it's just... kinda how i do friendships. there's one or two people who is Everything to me and everyone else is just kinda an acquaintance #i've never really had what one could call a healthy social life lol #y'know- on a semi-related note- this is why i spend a lot of time reading romance fanfic #i've got several ships where the two characters are utterly obsessed with each other and they're each other's whole worlds #and i do really enjoy the fics that make it a romantic pairing (cause none of them are canon) #but i will admit that it's because trying to find content with characters feeling that way platonically is..... well. near impossible #people tend to look at devotion like that and go 'there's no heterosexual explanation for this' #which of course is perfectly valid #but also.... please give me that intensity for platonic relationships??? somewhere??? #which leads into my next point- which is that i'm doing the classic 'if you can't find it write it yourself' with my original work #my two mcs value each other above everyone else and they are strictly platonic #anyway. that was.... a lot. needed to get that out real quick

[atopearth]

Butterfly’s Poison; Blood Chains (Chou no Doku) Part 6 - Majima Route & Overall Review

I've been wanting to do Majima's route since I first started this game, and I'm still excited for it or maybe even more excited now that we know him better. I still love the innocent and kind him but I'm also curious about the depth of his hatred and the love he has for Yuriko. Ohh how interesting...because Yuriko confessed to Majima, he called off the plan to murder her father and everything? I have to admit though, that dance with Shiba was nice, he may be crude but he's so blunt, I love it lol. It's interesting to see how her parents reacted to Shiba's proposal while they're alive and healthy. Yuriko is really relentless and brave to tell Majima again that the one she likes is him and that's why she doesn't want to get married. Knowing the reasons as to why Majima is pushing her away hurts but it can't be helped. I love Yuriko, she's so relentless, but I honestly don't blame her for not giving up, how could she when Majima told her that he does like her but their social status is just too different and there will be too many problems to overcome? Of course she's going to find a way for it to work out haha. Lmao, Yuriko is so cute, she just found a random cafe and asked them to hire them, and then when they were suspicious, she was like I'm not going home until you hire me, this girl hahahaha! I actually didn't expect her to really run away from home and live with all the other waitresses and start a life here though, like wow girl, she's really determined! Definitely admire her, that's very brave. I'm so glad she met such kind people though, the outside world is tough so it makes me happy to see her thrive as a waitress and actually enjoy her life more than being an aristocrat. It was very sweet to see how understanding everyone at the cafe was when she left with Majima, they really are very very kind. I loved it when Majima appeared to save her and take her home though.

I was wondering why Majima took so long to find her, but it was mainly because he was observing her wondering what her purpose for being a waitress was haha. LMAO when Majima said he can't be her gardener anymore and that's he's going to quit and Yuriko was like since Majima doesn't want to be with her anymore, she's going to go to a nunnery😂 I'm happy that Majima and Yuriko left the manor together but I wanted more confrontation with the parents haha. Oh wow, Yuriko's father personally killed Majima's parents right in front of him and even slashed Majima as well, he just survived because his mother protected him. I see... Majima's biological father saved him and swept everything under the rug so he hates his real parents and Yuriko's father, he hates all of them for erasing the existence of the parents who loved and cared for him and sacrificed their lives for him whilst the ones who gave birth to him protected themselves and their sin so he wanted revenge against them all. Although I really like Majima, opium is a terrifying drug and if I had to say one thing I can't forgive about Majima is how involved he is in spreading opium and ruining people's lives. I always wondered why Majima took so long to carry out his plan since he's been at the household since Yuriko was a teenager, but it seemed like he enjoyed being with Yuriko much more than I thought. He loved her much more than I thought. He knew she was his sister but still fell in love with her at first sight. He chose her birthday party because he hated the idea of her getting married to another man so he wanted to ruin everything. I like their peaceful life, I really do, but I'm still kinda sad that Yuriko never found out that he's her brother and her parents never got to have a bit more of a reaction to everything considering how big of a deal it all was? I mean, I still loved the romance and everything, and I understand Majima wants to keep her innocent and pure forever without knowing everything but..I feel like trash for saying this but I wanted them to fall down together knowing the weight of their choices. Maybe I'll get more in the extra story?

Majima's tragic endings break my heart. Considering that I wanted to pick the "take me with you" option, glad to know that it meant Yuriko would go to Shanghai and forever be Majima's little sister and not her lover as she helped him with his business like his second in command. But I think the other tragic ending was worse because not only did Yuriko suffer so much mentally having killed Saburo to protect herself, but having everyone around her dead or disappear so she had no one but Majima to rely on, so he tortured her by making her sell herself. In the end, he achieved what he set out to do in this ending, but seeing him glad that he achieved it but at the same time feel tormented because he loves Yuriko really hurts my heart. I think Majima's VA really conveyed that pain well because every time I heard how distressed he was, it really felt like I could feel his pain.

The extras are hilarious LMAO. The birthday one where Majima asks Mizuhito which route we're on😂😂 and Mizuhito pretending to be Yuriko happy at his flower arrangement hahaha. The Fujita Special cake sounds very sweet but interesting hahahaa, I need a cake with all those flavours! Lmaooo at Hideo getting influenced by Majima and thinking that Yuriko is going to cook the rare sparrow he's giving Yuriko for her birthday present since she's more about food than romance, and then telling the bird to prepare itself hahahaha. HAHAHA at Shiba's gift, the clock with his voice telling her the time and saying he'll be thinking about her has me dead, definitely a terrible gift😂 Awww Majima turning the trees in the garden to say happy birthday is so cuteee, lmao at Mizuhito saying the garden isn't his🤣 I died when Majima muttered that it's going to get burned later anyway, this guy, technically the whole manor burns down loll😂😂 Majima the Gardener route hahaha. The Butler chapter was so funny too! A clumsy Mizuhito that can't hold anything heavier than chopsticks because he's a recluse lolll, and Majima calling Kyoko a shameless crone for wanting to be served properly welcomed home hahahaha. I loveeee how it jokes about everyone's weird fetishes in their respective endings hahaha, Mizuhito's paintbrush one is certainly one I would have liked to read in the 18+ version of the game hahaha. Majima and his burning down the manor joke kills me every time because it's not even a joke😂 Mizuhito dying in most endings, and Fujita making a dig at Shiba for getting to marry Yuriko but always having a terrible life because she cheats on him or tries to kill him is so funny. I love the fireworks with the thank you very much haha. Legit died when Majima told Saburo to burn down the manor hahaha. Kyoko in Fujita's body is something I never knew I needed, the ohoho killed me hahaha. LMAO when they said Mizuhito's body is infested with STDs😂😂😂 I died when Mizuhito tried to take Hideo's body to the red light district to experience losing his virginity again, the nerve of this guy lmao, I couldn't help but LOL when Hideo was like a cute girl saying he wants his first time to be in a room with a view of the sea😂😂😂😂 The escape passage has an elevator too, I'm dead😂😂😂 I agree with Majima, what kind of house is this hahahaha. I really didn't expect this epilogue sorta thing to be so funny but I thoroughly enjoyed every bit of it!

Overall Review

Personally, I really loved Chou no Doku. It was short but just the right length because it never overstayed its welcome. It set out what it wanted to do and show and achieved it. I really wanted to read something depraved and a forbidden romance and I think it really delivered in all different aspects. It has incest amongst other issues such as SA but I loved how it never shied away from scandalous topics, questionable actions and depraved behaviour. My favourite routes would definitely be from most liked to least liked Hideo, Majima, Shiba, Fujita, Mizuhito and then Kyoko if we can count her haha. I loved how pure Hideo's love was and all the obstacles they had to get through for their love to blossom the most. I enjoyed discovering the depth of Shiba's love and how much he was willing to overlook as long as Yuriko was with him. I loved having a more passive guy like Fujita who was gentle and followed the lead and strength of Yuriko. I loved Majima for both his evil and kind side because they both made sense and I couldn't help but love both sides of him as much as he struggled with his revenge and his love for Yuriko. Mizuhito's route didn't hit me as much as I would have liked sadly and Kyoko is creepy but hot LOL. The game isn't very long but I think it really showcased every guy and their love well along with the different Yurikos depending on who she is dealing with. I liked how bratty she was with Fujita but also loved how witty she was with Shiba, but also enjoyed how sincerely she chased after Majima. I definitely recommend this game as long as you're fine with the TWs because I really enjoyed the variety of tragic endings that gave a lot of life and character to each LI as well as Yuriko. It definitely satisfied my itch for a read that is less pure and more depraved hahaha!

#chou no doku #butterfly's poison; blood chains #chou no doku hana no kusari

[thebibliosphere]

So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After. 

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting. 

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom. 

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man. 

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms... 

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful. 

----

*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual. 

#long post #writing #ethical non-monogamy #relationship styles #relationship models in fiction #also that kindle link is an affiliate link #because fuck giving amazon free recs